Work in Progress
by araeo
Summary: AU/AH: Bella, Edward and the usual suspects are adults living in Seattle. They hit it off after a klutzy accident and E awakens B's ovaries, who never hesitate to voice their pervy opinion in B's head. Rated M for language and lemons.
1. The Meat Sweats

_Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all characters. I secretly wish I owned Rob. My husband wishes neither of them existed._

_This is my first fanfic. I needed some fluff after being a reader for a while, so I created some of my own. I hope I make some people laugh. This one's rated M, folks. Dirty words, situations, and whatever else I dream up._

_ETA 24 June 2010: I'm going through and editing the formatting that FF deleted, and making little edits..so Hi, if you're rereading or anything!  
_

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 1: The Meat Sweats**

**-w-**

"Angela, I really don't think this is a good idea," I stated, trying to be firm. I wasn't sure if it was working.

"Bella, we're really in a bind here. We're already short two Gauchos, and I don't have anyone to call in. There's no way I'm pulling Jessica from the hostess desk. I don't think she has enough brain cells to be handling a sharp knife," she reasoned.

_Think fast, Bella, or you're not going to get out of this one. This is SO not good. _ "You know, sharp knives and my talent for tripping over air is not exactly the best combination. I'm not graceful or remotely coordinated. I'm sure that Jessica can manage –"

"But you serve drinks every night without any problems! I know you can do this," she insisted.

"I'm the _bartender_! I never have to come out from behind the bar. Remember the time you had to drive me to the ER after the lime incident?" I'd almost lost the tip of my middle finger last year in an unfortunate accident, while prepping limes for the _caipirinhas_ - our house drink. Very tasty. However, lime juice and a sliced fingertip are not a good combination. "And who will cover the bar while I'm out there trying not to injure myself or anyone else?" I pleaded.

"Come on, it's just for tonight. I'll cover the bar for you. I promise you'll be the first one cut if it's a slow night."

_That's exactly what I'm afraid of! Or worse yet, what if I accidentally skewer a customer?_

"Angela," I whined, "I'm dangerous!"

"Don't make me pull rank on you, Bella. I _am_ your boss…" _Damn! I was hoping she wouldn't go there!_

"All right, all right - I'll do it. But I'm going on the record here - I will not be held responsible any loss of life, limbs, ears, nose or eyebrows," I said, hoping that I sounded more firm than I had at the beginning of this conversation.

"Duly noted," she replied with a smirk.

"I hope you can keep smiling when we get sued for personal injury," I sniped. I just prayed that that wouldn't actually happen.

**-w-**

"You can do this. You will not accidentally slice off any fingers. You will not trip and skewer a diner."

_Nice pep talk, Bella. Other girls would be primping before their shifts, but you, you're standing in front of the bathroom mirror...talking to yourself._

I'd been working at a Brazilian steakhouse in Seattle for about a year and a half now. For the last 6 months, I worked the bar. It's a pretty great job for a graduate student – the nights weren't extremely late and the tips were substantial. But I've never had to work as a Gaucho – usually it's only the hot guys who walk around with the giant cuts of meat that these places are famous for.

_Have I mentioned the sharp knives used to cut said pieces of meat at every table?_

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My brown hair was twisted into a low bun at the nape of my neck, with a few chunks of long bangs framing my face. The hair didn't look so bad. My eyes, however, looked like I was about to walk naked into a prison cafeteria. Narrowing my eyes, I tried to give myself a reassuring look in the mirror. It didn't work.

"Here goes nothing," I muttered to myself.

To my unending surprise, I made it through the first two hours of dinner service without any major faux-pas, though I did manage to send a piece of sausage into an unfortunate woman's _caipirinha_. I also dropped a sliced piece of _picanha_ in a rather annoyed gentleman's lap. All in all, I was doing rather well so far. After my latest skewer was empty, I made my way back to the kitchen to retrieve my next cut of meat.

"I'm telling you, there there is some PRIME meat out there at table twenty seven…three hot guys..." Great. Jessica was ogling the customers again. I tuned out the rest of her babbling.

"Hey, Bella, I've got some hot beef for you over here," Mike, one of the cooks, yelled. This comment was punctuated with an eyebrow wiggle that I'm sure he thought was sexy. To me it just looked like he was constipated.

I rolled my eyes and said, "Keep it up, Mike, and you're going to get a couple drops of Visine in your drink the next time you hit the bar after your shift." In fact, I thought about doing it anyway for the hell of it. I've heard one too many crude "hot meat" jokes from him in my eighteen months here. If I had to put up with his verbal diarrhea, then he should at least get some real diarrhea in return.

"Come on, you know you want it. Here, come and get my Brazilian sausage," he laughed.

_Oh, yeah__. He's definitely getting the Visine._

I gave him the stink eye, grabbed the skewer of sausages, and stalked off towards the dining room. Unfortunately, since I wasn't exactly paying attention to being careful, I neglected to check and see if there was anyone near the door before exiting to the dining area.

"Ouch!" someone yelped from the other side of the swinging door.

_Uh-oh. Not good, hitting customers in the face with doors. Hey, at least I didn't stab him... _I could tell it was a man that I had just introduced to the swinging door. It was sort of a nice sounding yelp, though, if there is such a thing.

I rounded the door, preparing my sweetest, most profuse apology. "Sir, I am so, _so_ sorry, I didn't see you there…" my words dried up and I blushed even harder than I thought possible as I looked up – and up - into the bright green eyes of my victim. He was pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to alleviate the pain. His face was quite possibly the most perfect male face I've ever seen. That face was enough to make Zeus jealous! My ovaries perked up at the sight. Those perfect features and beautiful green eyes were topped by an unruly head of shiny bronze hair. Sex hair. _Sex!_ My ovaries screamed. _Yes, sex makes babies, and that's what we're going to do with this man!_ I mentally told my ovaries to shut it. Hitting a man in the face with a door is not exactly conducive to sexual attraction.

"… Maybe you can show me where the restroom is," he was saying. His voice was like hot chocolate fixed just how I liked it – with a dash of cayenne pepper and lots of whipped cream. It was smooth and velvety, with a hint of spice. _**Whipped cream**, _my ovaries squealed, **_yes, let's cover him in whipped cream and lick it off!_**

"Huh?" I said, snapping out of my mental dialogue.

"Can you show me where the restroom is?" He asked. He'd stopped rubbing his nose, and I noticed a sexy crooked smile tugging at the corner of his lips. I think he was enjoying my discomposure.

"Oh, yes," I forced out, pointing towards the restroom. "Again, let me apologize. I'll get my manager to see if there's any way I - uh, _we_ can make it up to you," I said.

"No need," he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose again. "I think it was my pride injured more than anything else. No harm, no foul." He treated me to more of that crooked smirk. "Just be careful," he said, as he looked down at my name tag, "Bella. We wouldn't want you to really hurt someone with that meat filled weapon you have there." The smirk was a full fledged grin by this point. He walked past me to the restroom, while I just stood there. I'm sure my mouth was gaping open and I must have resembled a dying fish. My ovaries sighed with joy at the way my name sounded on those beautiful lips.

Eventually, I snapped out of it and began making my way through the restaurant, hawking my giant rack of sausage. The skewer was nearly gone as I approached table twenty-seven. There were five diners at this table, all laughing and ribbing each other.

"We've got to come here more often – like every week!" a loud voice boomed. "Seriously, this is heaven. I just turn over this disc, and people keep bringing me meat – all the meat in the world – and they can't kick me out! Sweet! It could only be better if the dudes bringing me the meat were actually chicks in bikinis..." This last comment earned him a smack upside the head from a gorgeous blonde that must have been his girlfriend. The rest of the party just laughed at his crass comments.

"Emmett, you can't keep eating all night. Remember when we brought you here for your birthday and you had to wear your 'Thanksgiving Pants' for three days? You kept complaining about having the 'meat sweats' and Rose swears your hair smelled like steak for a month afterward."

_Meat Sweats_? I tried not to laugh. Then I realized who was speaking.

_It was the voice. The voice that belonged to the smirk. And the green eyes. And the sex hair._

"Screw the meat sweats, this is worth it," he retorted around a huge mouthful of steak. He was a bear-like specimen of a man with ice blue eyes and closely cropped dark hair.

I forced away my apprehension about seeing Sex Hair again and approached the table. In addition to the big guy and the blonde, I noticed a petite girl with a really cute black pixie cut and another man, a lanky blond. I assumed that they were a couple, based on the bedroom eyes they were giving each other.

"Ladies, would you like to try some Brazilian sausage?" I asked.

Before either of them could answer, the big guy, Emmett – Mr. Meat Sweats - said, "I'll take yours, Rose. You know you don't need any Brazilian sausage when can have mine anytime you want." This earned him another slap. I tried to stifle my laughter, noticing Sex Hair was looking at me with that crooked smirk again, which only made it worse.

"No, thank you," said the pixie. The blonde scowled at the big guy but still declined.

"Gentlemen, would you like to try some?" I asked.

Meat Sweats was the first to speak up again. "Those two don't want any. I, however, am very confident in my sexuality and have no problem eating gigantic amounts of sausage." He then grabbed the skewer out of my hand, slid the rest of the sausage onto his plate, and handed me the empty skewer. The rest of the table burst out laughing. I wasn't sure if it was due to the shocked look on my face or Emmett's actions.

"Well," I stammered, "Excuse me; enjoy the rest of your dinner."

"Wait! Miss –" It was Sex Hair again.

"Yes, what can I do t-for you?" _Oh, crap that was close!_

"Can I request more of the _picanha_? It was wonderful," he said. The smirk was bigger now. I don't think he missed my almost Freudian slip.

"Um, sure. I'll see what I can do about that," I managed. _Wow, Bella – way to be articulate. _I gave the table and Sex Hair a sheepish smile and turned toward the kitchen. _He's so pretty, _I thought dazedly. **_We want to touch the Sex Hair, _**my ovaries sang. Somehow, I made it to the kitchen mishap-free, which was surprising, considering that most of my wits were left back at the table with Sex Hair. Angela met me at the kitchen door.

"Bella – how is it going? I didn't hear any screams or giant crashes while I was at the bar," she teased. "Anyway, I have good news! The night's a little slow, so you can go back to manning the bar."

_Oh, thank you, Lord!_

**_But what about Sex Hair? _**whined my ovaries.**_ We need to bring him more meat! If we don't see him again, how can we make babies?_**

Ignoring my pouting nether regions, I smiled at Angela. "I wouldn't say nothing happened. I did kind of, um, ," I rushed out, hoping she wouldn't be as mad if I just got it over with.

"What? When? Are they okay?" she asked.

"He's fine. I _did _ warn you that I was dangerous." I hedged. "He said I injured his pride more than his nose, which is a really good thing, because it's a very nice nose... and eyes... and sex hair..." I trailed off. _What the hell happened to my mental filter? _

"So he was hot, huh?" Angela smirked. "So, which table is it, so I can go try to smooth things over?" she asked.

"Table twenty-seven," I replied. There was the damn blush again.

"Wow, look at those cheeks, Bella! He must be _really_ hot!"

"Shut it, Angela," I growled, only half-kidding. "If you're done teasing me, I'll get back to my bar now. Oh, and Sex Hair's table requested that we bring by more _picanha. _You might want to send more than one skewer. I'm not sure if there will be enough for the rest of the table if the big guy gets it first."

"Will do, Bella. Why don't you make up a round of _caipirinhas_ for the table? To make up for the damaged pride," she suggested.

I curled my lip at her and headed for the bar, but I did as she asked. It would be good to take out my frustration on some unsuspecting limes. I gathered the ingredients and began aggresively mashing limes and sugar in the bottom of a pitcher. After the mixture was sufficiently pulverized, I added the cachaca and a splash of soda. Angela came up to the bar as I was pouring the drinks into glasses. She had a very strange expression on her face.

"I've never seen someone eat so much meat in my entire life. Not even that time we had that Sumo wrestling team in here... I don't know whether to be amazed or repulsed," she laughed. "He looks like he's in pain, but he keeps asking for more meat! I think the rest of his party is planning an intervention."

"I told you that guy could eat," I replied as I placed the drinks on a tray and handed it to her. "Please tell him again how sorry I am for hitting him with the door," I said.

"Are you sure you don't want to deliver them to Mr. 'Sex Hair' yourself?" Angela asked. She had that damn teasing look again. I gave her a self-deprecating smile.

"No, I think I've used up my daily quota of coordination. I wouldn't want to tempt fate any more than I already have tonight by carrying that tray any amount of distance."

"All right, suit yourself, Bella...chicken," I heard her mutter as she walked away, shaking her head. So what if I was a chicken. Men that beautiful were either gay or wanted someone equally spectacular. I had a healthy amount of self esteem, but that man was off-the-charts on Bella's Scale of Man-Candy. Better than Smarties. Even better than the god of all candies, Russell Stover Pectin Jellybeans.

Shaking my head, I began to clean up the mess from the lime massacre and kept an eye on the television behind the bar, absently noting that the Mariners were losing again. I bet Charlie was mad. My dad was a rabid baseball fan, and he had a love-hate relationship with the Mariners. He loved the team, he just hated that most of the players seemed to suck. I was wiping down the shiny walnut bar when someone stepped up in front of me, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention.

"Hello," he said. He set his full drink on top of the bar. "I didn't get a chance to introduce myself earlier. My name is Edward Cullen." It was Sex Hair himself!

"Hi," I squeaked. _Nice. You sound like you've been sucking on a helium balloon._ "I'm Bella," I said, sticking out my hand. "I really am sorry about earlier... I know one little drink isn't much, but it was made with love." Crap. Cue the blush. _Really, Bella? Made with love? _Great. Apparently the peanut gallery included my bitchy inner self, and not just Angela. He smiled at me and took my hand in his. He didn't shake it, he simply held it for a long moment. My cheeks felt like they were on fire and my palm tingled where it made contact with his.

"I think we're way past the handshake, Bella," he said as he let go of my hand. My hand felt cold with the loss, and I curled my fingers into my palm. "When you've nearly smashed someone's nose into their brain, I'm pretty sure you can skip the formalities."

"What? I thought you said you were okay! I'm so, so sorry-" I panicked.

"No, no, I'm fine," he reassured me. There's that crooked smile again. "It's just so fun to tease you – I get such a nice reaction. I haven't been able to make my little sister blush like that since we were kids." He chuckled quietly, his beautiful eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. "And I certainly didn't enjoy it as much." He look down at his drink; his smile faded slightly and he visibly tensed. He took a deep breath and looked up again. "I just wanted to thank you for the drinks. My friends are really enjoying them. Although Emmett – that's the big eater – refuses to drink it because that would be taking stomach space away from the meat."

I giggled at his comment. _Jeez. I haven't giggled since I was in high school._ "You're very welcome. It's the least I could do, considering I almost broke your nose." I looked around the restaurant, noticing that the place was pretty much empty. I was silent for a few seconds. I knew he wouldn't have any more reason to stay there with me, so I made small talk. "So are you and your friends here celebrating anything special? If you'd like to embarrass one of them, I can get the Gauchos to sing," I said. He laughed and smiled that perfect smile. I needed something to do with my hands, so I busied myself by wiping down the bar again.

"Actually, we're here celebrating an engagement. Emmett, my brother, and Rosalie, the blonde. And nothing embarrasses Emmett. He'd probably join in, with his own very dirty lyrics," he joked. I noticed he was twisting a cocktail napkin in his long fingers. Was he nervous?

"That's probably not a very good idea then," I laughed. "Some of the Gauchos don't know English very well and would probably think it was just a new version they were supposed to sing." A server came up with a drink order. "Excuse me for a moment, Edward."

"Of course."

I prepared the server's drink request and carried it to the opposite end of the bar. As I turned back to Edward, I saw him watching me.

_Was he looking at my ass?_

_Calm down, Bella. That must be your ovaries' wishful thinking._

I blushed anyway.

He sat at the bar, leaning forward on his elbows. One large hand propped up his chin. "So what do you do when you're not bar tending or smashing poor unsuspecting men with doors," he teased. I shot him a mock scowl.

"I'm a graduate student at U of W here in Seattle. I actually just took my last final today. My degree will be in English Literature. I want to be a writer, but most everyone I know seems to think that it might not pay the bills. So here I am, slaving away making drinks every night." I sighed dramatically and tried to look how I imagined a tortured artist would look. My efforts did not go unrewarded, and he laughed at me. "What about you? What do you do when you're not being assaulted by clumsy restaurant staff and watching your friends consume ungodly amounts of meat?"

"I just finished my residency at UW Medical Center. I'm specializing in blood disorders – Hematology/Oncology," he replied.

Well, that was it. Some people had it all – ridiculous good looks _and_ brains? If I didn't feel inadequate before, I certainly did now.

"That must be a very hard job," I said, with not a little sympathy. "Lots of ups and downs."

"That's a different reaction. Most people tell me what a rewarding job I have." He looked uncomfortable. "It's overwhelming sometimes. But I try my best to make even the smallest difference." He sighed, and the tenseness was back. I wanted to put that crooked smile back on his face.

"Well I'm sure you do... for the female patients at least. And the men who play for Team Unicorn," I teased.

"Team Unicorn," he repeated, looking confused. "Oh, now I get it." He chuckled, looking a bit green. Then he brightened. "Why, Bella, are you trying to say you find me attractive? And to think, you almost maimed me today," he added, winking at me.

_Wow. That's dangerous. The Panty-Land Security Threat Level just went up to Orange. Explosion may be imminent._

I didn't want him to know how he affected me – I needed some sarcasm, fast. "No, I'm saying your delirious, drugged and sick patients find you attractive," I shot back.

He winced and leaned back in his chair, pretending like he'd been injured. "You wound me," he groaned.

"Sorry, I call 'em like I see 'em. Someone with your looks needs to be taken down a peg every once and a while," I said. I was surprised at how easy it was to flirt with him. I was not usually this bold or talkative with men, but something was different about this guy. Despite his looks, he managed to make me feel at ease.

"Careful, Bella. Any more of those backhanded compliments and I might actually think you really do find me attractive."

I just smiled at him. I looked beyond his shoulder and saw his friends coming toward the bar.

"E, man, we gotta get going. I need my stretchy pants! Let's roll!" He stopped short when he saw me. "Hey, Gaucho Girl, whatcha doing behind the bar?"

"Actually, I'm the bartender here. I was just helping out because we were short a couple Gauchos tonight," I answered, laughing.

Edward stood up and ran his hand through his hair. I tried not to drool. "This is Bella, guys. Bella, I believe you'll recognize my brother Emmett, and this is his new fiancee, Rosalie." He gestured toward the other couple. "My sister, Alice, and her husband, Jasper."

"Nice to meet you all," I said.

"Nice to meet you too, Bella," they all answered in unison. I couldn't help but laugh, because they all spoke on cue.

"Thanks for those drinks, Bella." This was from Alice, the short chick. She wobbled slightly as she spoke. "Very tasty," she said with a grin.

"Yes, thanks for those drinks. It makes it that much easier for us to take advantage of our women," Emmett said.

"Just ignore him, that's what I do," Edward said, elbowing Emmett in the gut.

"Hey, watch it, there's precious cargo in there!" shouted Emmett. "I hate to pull you away from your precious moments here, but I've got to get on a plane early tomorrow morning. And you all know that Rosie ain't happy if she doesn't get some good lovin' before we go to bed." His comment was met with another slap to the back of his head by Rosalie.

"I need bleach for my ears," muttered Alice. "Why don't we meet you at the car, Edward? Come on, Emmett. It was very nice to meet you, Bella." They all waved goodbye and started for the exit. Edward turned to me and smiled again.

"It was nice running into you, Bella."

"Ha ha. It was nice to meet you, too. Maybe I'll see you here again sometime? " _God, I hope so._

"I think you might," he said and grinned at me. "I guess I'd better get them home. They'll kill me if we're still in the car when Emmett starts digesting all that meat."

"Ugh. Thanks for that, Edward. I might have nightmares tonight."

"We wouldn't want that. Forget I said anything. You can remember smashing me in the face with that door if it helps."

"Oh, yes, that's much more pleasant," I responded.

"Sweet dreams, Bella. I'll see you around," he said, sliding his untouched drink towards me. He gave me that crooked smile one more time and walked to the door.

"Bye," I answered with what I'm sure was a very goofy smile.

I stood there basking in happiness for a few moments after he left, before my bubble burst. _Why didn't I ask for his number? Why didn't he ask for mine? Maybe he was just wasting time until Emmett stopped eating._ Deflated, I picked up his drink and emptied it in the sink. Strange, he didn't even touch it. Maybe he was the designated driver. I swiped the cocktail napkin off the bar and reached to throw it in the trash bin, but the writing on the corner caught my eye. I couldn't believe what it said.

_Sex Hair - 702-555-7489_

_How did he know I called him that?_


	2. Chapter 2 That Was Unexpected

**Disclaimer: I don't own TWILIGHT or its characters. It's just slowly draining away my time and taking attention away from the hubby.**

**A/N: I changed the title, because I decided I hated the other one. Yeah, I can do that, because I'm an artist. **

**Many thanks to KnittingVamp7 for being my beta and sharing my opinion of piccolos. She rocks!**

Chapter 2: That Was Unexpected...

**BPOV**

The next day was the beginning of my weekend. By weekend, I mean two consecutive days off in a row. Since I work in the restaurant business my schedule changed weekly. This week I had Monday and Tuesday off. I planned to spend those two precious days doing absolutely nothing. It's been a while since I haven't had to work, study, or go to class (or some combination of the three). I slept in late because I'd had a little trouble falling asleep. I kept thinking about Edward, his sexy hair, and what it would look like in the morning... or on my pillow... or with my hands in it, somewhere near Panty-Land...

When I finally did manage to get to sleep, Edward was the star of some very hot, yet unsatisfying dreams. Everyone always brags about going all the way in their sex dreams. Why, oh why, can't this ever happen to me? I have never once actually done the nasty in a dream. Sometimes there's some nice foreplay action (and last night it was VERY nice), but I always wake up before the main event. Wonderful. I haven't had a date in years, and when it seems like I might get some kind of action (imaginary though it may be), I find a way to cockblock myself.

I dragged myself from the warm sheets and shuffled to the kitchen, not bothering to make the bed. I told myself I'd do it later, knowing that it was never going to happen. It's a morning ritual with me: I get up, debate on making the bed, then decide that I shouldn't bother. It's not like that bed sees any action other than the solo variety. At least I keep the sheets clean – unlike other people, usually college students and males in general. My roommate my freshman year at UW only changed her sheets once a semester. Ugh. By the end of the year I'm sure those sheets would have lit up like a Christmas tree under a black light.

I'd be willing to bet Edward's sheets were clean.He seemed like the type._ Not that I wouldn't be willing to dirty them up a bit..._ _What the hell is wrong with me? _Meeting Edward must have awakened all my repressed teenage hormones that should have been released in high school. I was not exactly the most sought after person in those days. Shy and clumsy (although I prefer to call it _coordinationally challenged_), I tended to fade into the background (except during my Bella moments). This trend began in Phoenix, where I lived with my mom, Renee, for the first two years of high school, and continued when I moved to Forks to live with Charlie during my junior year.

I've always been content with my behind-the-scenes life; I despise being the center of attention. Although I'd managed to get rid of most of the shyness in college, I'd yet to really put myself out there. A social butterfly I was not. I was friendly with everyone, but my only close friend was Angela – and we'd been friends since high school. I never really felt like I could be myself when I wasn't alone, until last night. I've never been able to have such an easy conversation with people I knew well, let alone with someone I'd just met.

I opened the cabinet, pulled out a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, and proceeded to pour myself a giant bowl. Screw suggested serving sizes. No one ever just eats one serving unless they want to be starving two hours later. I took my breakfast and sat down at the breakfast bar. Since my one bedroom apartment is so small, I could see the TV from my barstool. I turned it on and started surfing channels, holding the remote in one hand and mindlessly shoving cereal into my mouth with the other.

My phone buzzed on the counter. Angela's name was displayed on the screen.

"Hey, Ang, what's up?" I mumbled through a mouthful of cereal.

"Did you call him yet?"

"No, I didn't call him! I don't want to look desperate. Plus I just got out of bed."

"Rough night?" she laughed at me. "Were you too busy fantasizing about his pretty eyes to sleep?"

"It's too early for me to be taking your shit right now, Ang," I groused. "And for your information, I was fantasizing about his hair."

"It's almost noon, Bella. Time to join the land of the living. So are you up for a movie tonight?" she asked.

"Well, I have a whole lot of nothing on the agenda for today, so I guess it depends on what you want to see. Is Ben coming?" Ben was Angela's fiancé. He liked two kinds of movies: action and more action. I was not fond of his movie choices. "Why don't you come over and we can watch something old school? It's been a while since I've seen _Billy Madison._"

"I love that movie! Let me see what Ben wants to do."

"You know he can't say no to his snack-pak! Tell him if he comes over, he can help us shave our armpits," I mimicked.

When she finished laughing, she said, "Uh, Bella, I don't think that will help your cause."

"Then you can tell him it's Nudie Magazine Day!"

"BELLA! Enough, or I'll let Ben pick the movie."

"Okay, okay. I'll stop. I don't want to end up watching _Transporter 3_ or some shit like that." I got up and put my empty bowl in the sink. "I'll see you guys this evening. You want to come over at seven?"

"Sounds good," she answered. "See you later!"

After I got off the phone with Angela, I planted myself on the couch and turned my attention back to the TV. I wasn't really paying attention. My eyes drifted to the messenger bag I'd dropped inside the door after returning from work last night. The Napkin was in there. I'd already programmed his number into my phone, but I kept The Napkin because it sort of smelled like him (if you could ignore the smell of meat). It's sort of stalkerish, I know, but I just had to keep it. I felt a little pervy every time I picked it up and smelled it. Not that I did it that often… only about ten times last night. _ Next thing I know I'll be saving strands of hair and going through his trash_.

_Is it too soon to call? _I wondered. I didn't want to seem too desperate. I didn't want him to _think_ I was a creepy stalker, even if I was one.

_**Call him! Call him!**_

What was that? Oh yes, my excited ovaries. Were they hibernating down there all this time? I'd gone twenty-five years without hearing them once, and then Edward shows up. Do men have to deal with this all the time? Taking orders from the reproductive organs left and right? It was probably easier just to listen to the damn things instead of trying to ignore them constantly. _**Yes**__, _whispered The Girls (they were speaking to me so often lately that I might as well give them a name). _** Listen to us. Call him! Our friends down here are shriveling up from disuse! It's getting pretty lonely down here in Panty-Land… we need some company! **_

So now they're speaking up for the rest of my lady parts? I guess I should be grateful it was only my ovaries that I was having internal conversations with. But just because they were speaking to me didn't mean I had to obey. I was determined to stop thinking about Edward for the moment. I really just wanted to enjoy being extremely lazy on my day off. I clicked through channel after channel, hoping to find something mindless to watch – maybe a rerun of_ 90210_ was on Soapnet. I was a sucker for that show; I could watch it anytime, anywhere. How can anyone hate a show that emphasizes shallow morals to young audiences and still manages to work in a life lesson at the same time?

I continued watching random snippets on each channel until I realized that I'd exhausted all the choices my basic cable had to offer. I sighed in disgust and got up to get a book. I had a pile of trashy romance novels just waiting to be read underneath my bed. Another guilty pleasure of mine. There's nothing like a healthy dose of unrealistic expectations for a relationship to take your mind away from real life. I made my selection and settled in to read. I realized that the universe was conspiring against me when I noticed that the description of the hero was pretty much a dead ringer for Edward.

_Maybe it wouldn't be TOO desperate if I texted him..._

_**Texting is good. Especially if there are dirty words involved. Then it's called "Sexting." Sex. You remember what that is, don't you? **_Damn it, I thought I'd gotten rid of them for now.

Apparently the only way to get rid of them was to give in.Just this once._ Plus, then he'd have MY number and maybe he would call me._ Ignoring the _squee_ coming from my nether regions, I picked up the phone.

_Hi Edward,_

_How's the nose?_

_-Bella_

I closed my eyes and hit the button to send the message before I could think better of it. _Crap in a box, Bella, that's all you could come up with? What the fuck!?! _I was still berating myself when the phone buzzed in my hand._ Oh please, please let it be him. _I looked at the display with one eye cracked open.

It was Edward.

_Bella-_

_Nose is fine. Thx 4 asking. Injured any1 yet 2day?_

_-E_

Brat. So that's how he wanted to play it. It still made me smile. Now I just had to think up a witty reply.

_E-_

_Not yet. The day is still young. Give me time._

_-B_

That wasn't so bad. Not the best, but I never was very good at the flirting stuff. At least he couldn't see me blushing if he wasn't right in front of me. The phone buzzed in my hand again. I looked down, eager to read the next volley in our verbal - er, text – sparring match.

It wasn't a text. He was calling me!

_**See, we're not desperate, creepy stalkers! He called us! Answer it! We're not getting any younger down here...**_

Effing pushy lady parts.

"Hello?"_Right. Like I didn't know who it was._

"Hi, Bella. It's Edward." _Was it possible that his voice sounded even better than I remembered?_

"Hi, Edward. It's nice to hear from you. I take it everyone made it home safely last night?" _Lame. Bella = flirting fail._

"Barely. I thought Jasper and I were going to have to carry Emmett to his doorstep. Something about his legs refusing to work because his entire blood supply was concentrating on digesting his meal," he chuckled.

"That's what he gets for eating enough meat to feed a small nation for a week," I quipped. I heard his velvety laugh through the line. I smiled as I felt a tingling warmth spread throughout my body in response. _Wow, if just his laugh can make me tingle... _

"He always was a big eater, but last night he gave new meaning to the word gluttony. I was afraid your boss was going to kick us out if we stayed any longer."

"Well, maybe if you warn me the next time he plans on coming in, I can make sure Angela orders an extra side of beef," I offered. _Anything to see you again. _

"I think that can be arranged," he said. "I'd jump at any excuse to see this really pretty bartender that works there."

Oh. My. God. This man is smooth. Really cheesy, but smooth. I didn't mind. Cheese _is_ my favorite dairy product.

"I'm glad you texted me, by the way. I wouldn't have had your number otherwise. I was kicking myself for not asking for it last night." _Screw the tingling. Things are starting to smolder._

That's all it took to wake up The Girls. I swear they were doing backflips and high-fiving each other down there.

"I know this may seem forward..." he paused a moment before continuing. "But I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me tomorrow night." A date? With me? The Girls were now executing a full floor routine complete with triple somersaults and mid-air splits. Hell, I felt like joining them. _Yep, something definitely caught fire…_

"Bella? Are you still there?" He sounded nervous. _Like I'd turn him down! _I realized that I'd been silent for the past few moments. _Cripes! _

"What? No, no! I mean, yes, I'll have dinner with you. I'd love to. Absolutely." I smacked the heel of my palm to my forehead and rolled my eyes. _I don't think you sounded like a big enough dork there, Bella. Maybe you can top that with your next idiotic sentence._

"I'm glad, Bella." Did he sound relieved? "I'm really looking forward to spending more time with you." His voice was so warm... the sound made me feel like I was wrapped in a fleece blanket straight out of the dryer.

"Me too, Edward." I was silent for a moment. "I do have one question for you, though. How did you know that I nicknamed you Sex Hair?"

He burst out laughing at this. "I'll never tell," he teased. "A man's got to have some secrets."

"You don't understand. I really need to know – so I'll know whose ass I need to kick," I said darkly.

"How do you know I didn't read your mind?" I could hear the smirk in his voice.

Now it was my turn to laugh outright. "Come on, Edward. You and I both know the mind of a woman is far too complicated for a mere mortal male to comprehend."

"Bella, surely you must know that I'm not a mere mortal," he drawled.

_No kidding. Mere mortals didn't have faces that could make angels cry or shiny bronze hair that just made my fingertips itch with the need to touch it..._

"Oh, I forgot – you're a _doctor_. I guess your superior memorization skills put you above the rest of us normal folks."

"Ouch. Consider me officially put in my place."

_Not yet, but I'd like to put you there. And by "place," I mean my bed! _ Gah!

"Actually, I sort of like you the way you are," I said shyly. "Truly."

"I feel the same way," he said, his voice slightly rougher than before. "I haven't looked forward to something this much in a very long time."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

We spoke for a few more minutes before he had to hang up and prepare to meet with a patient. He wouldn't tell me where he was taking me for our dinner, but we made plans for him to pick me up at 7:00. I hated surprises, but I had a feeling I'd put up with just about anything if Edward was involved. I felt completely electrified after we ended our conversation. It's hard to describe how it felt, talking with Edward. He made me feel relaxed and on edge simultaneously, like being pulled in two directions at once. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling. It left me feeling pleasurably perturbed. I slouched into the back of the couch, allowing myself a few minutes to absorb all of the warm feelings that still enveloped me. I resisted the urge to jump around and squeal like a deranged fangirl that's just spotted her favorite actor.

The rest of the day dragged on in a haze. Nothing else could possibly be as exciting as my conversation with Edward had been. Tomorrow night. Just a little over twenty-four hours before I would see him. Suddenly a day seemed like a very long time. I needed to keep myself occupied, so I piddled around the apartment, making sure it was presentable enough for company. I ran some errands and picked up some beer and a couple of bottles of wine for the movie night. I got on the computer and checked the FailBlog, because it just wasn't a complete day when I without a good dose of fail – as long as it wasn't happening to me. I was just deciding that I might clean out my oven – _holy mother of God, what was WRONG with me_ – when I realized that I needed to clean myself up before Ben and Angela showed up.

I showered and dressed in what I lovingly dubbed my "house clothes" - soft black yoga pants and a well worn fitted t-shirt. I was going for comfort, since we'd just be lounging around watching a movie. There's really no distinguishing factor between my house clothes and pajamas, but it made me feel less lazy just to call them by a different name. Sitting around in pajamas all day isn't exactly a quality of a responsible, productive adult.

I was uncorking a bottle of red when Angela knocked on the door.

"Hey guys," I said, pulling open the door.

"Hey, Bella." Angela and I hugged while Ben looked at me with a mock scowl.

"You do realize that I'm missing Monday night wrestling for this."

"Well then I guess that six-pack of Stella in the fridge will just go to waste if you're going to complain." I pretended to look put-out. I eyed the brown paper bag he was carrying. "Is that Thai I smell?"

"Did you say Stella? Here, take the Thai. It's yours. Thanks!" Why some guys got so excited over different types of beer is beyond me. I think it sort of all tastes the same. I prefer hard liquor and all its yummy combinations.

"No problem, Ben. Why don't you go ahead and watch what you want for a few minutes. Ang and I will talk about you," I joked; he was already heading for the living room, cold beer in hand. "Don't you want some food?" I heard the loud cheers and music that signaled the beginning of the wrestling match.

"I guess not," Angela laughed.

"I talked to Edward," I said, busying myself with getting out plates and napkins for our meal.

"You mean you actually had the guts to call him? Way to go, Bells!"

"No... I texted him, and then he called me."

"Spill. Now." I couldn't refuse. I knew not to mess with Angela when she used that tone. _Like I'd want to keep this a secret anyway. He's the most gorgeous man I've ever seen. I feel like hanging my head out the window and shouting, "I have a date with Edward Cullen!"_

"He asked me on a date tomorrow night." I might as well spare myself the trouble and just throw it out there.

"You're going, right? You have to! You haven't been on a date in like, years."

"Of course I'm going! And it hasn't been years," I said petulantly, crossing my arms over my chest. _**Liar, liar, pants on fire, Bella...**_ The Girls sang.

"So what else did you talk about?"

"Mostly we made fun of his brother, the one who ate so much," I said. I really didn't want to share the rest of the conversation I'd had with Edward. It was too new, and I didn't know how to describe the feelings he brought to life in me. He made me feel like _myself – _and I didn't know how to explain that to anyone else. Then I remembered. "Did you tell him I called him Sex Hair?" I almost shouted.

"No, I wouldn't say that to a customer!" She sounded serious, but I couldn't be sure. I had to admit, it was a pretty good defense. "I promise," she added, crossing her fingers over her heart. I was pretty close to believing her, but I still wouldn't put it past her to do it in an attempt to rattle me. _How the hell did he know?_

I looked at her with narrowed eyes for a second, and then decided to let it drop for the moment.

"So where is he taking you?"

"He said he wanted to surprise me."

"And you didn't argue with him about that? You must really like him," she said with a shit-eating grin.

"Can we play twenty questions later, please? Let's eat. You can interrogate me again after the date," I said.

We filled our plates and headed into the living room to join Ben at the television. Angela handed Ben his plate while he continued to keep his eyes glued to the show. I've always thought that professional wrestling was like a soap opera for men. Ben and his friends watched it religiously and discussed it like it was a feature of Oprah's book club, so I've heard enough about it to know that it has all the same elements: divas, scandals, cheating spouses, dirty business deals, prominent families with rich patriarchs and even the occasional love story. Take away the soft focus camera and add in giant oiled men in spandex and a couple of folding chairs - they're basically the same. I'd still rather watch Sonny Corinthos killing rival mobsters in Port Charles any day of the week"Are you ready to watch the movie?" I asked. I was mainly speaking to Ben, since I knew Angela wanted to watch wrestling about as much as I did.

"Sure, Bella. The big match won't be on until the end of the show anyway. The movie will be over by then, right? I have to see it – it's the heavyweight title match between The Grizzly and Bone Crusher!" He was way too excited about this stuff.

"Yes, we'll have plenty of time to watch the shrunken testicle fest after the movie," I said.

We settled in to watch Billy repeat every grade in school. I swear that movie is still hilarious every time I watch it. We were laughing and throwing out favorite quotes as it came to an end.

"'O'Doyle rules!'" Ben laughed.

"You're not cool unless you pee your pants!" Angela and I shouted. _Oops, that was loud. Hope the neighbors didn't hear that._ I didn't want to think about the kind of looks I'd be getting in the hallway if they did.

I got up to clear the dishes and refill our drinks. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, and I was starting to feel its effects. Why waste a good buzz when I didn't have to work tomorrow?

Ben had already turned the wrestling back on by the time I returned. The contenders were being announced as I sat down. Bone Crusher was walking down the gangway to some metal song that I didn't recognize. I rolled my eyes at Angela. The guy was apparently a fan of wearing tiny shorts and knee pads. Someone really should tell him how gay that looked. All he needed was a leather vest and studded leather hat and he'd fit right in at the Blue Oyster from those Police Academy movies. He even had the bushy handlebar mustache. He stepped into the ring and began making those trash talking gestures they all seem to make. He looked like a big, gay gorilla. The crowd was booing and taunting him. He looked like he was enjoying it. There's always a 'bad guy' wrestler in these matches. It's a rule or something.

"Ladies and gentlemen, your champion, holding the World Heavyweight Title, The Grizzly!" the announcer yelled. I heard the opening guitar riff of 'Beast and the Harlot' by Avenged Sevenfold. _At least this one has good taste in music.___The lights were low at the top of the gangplank. As soon as the opening notes faded away and the hardcore riff began, spotlights centered on the huge man that appeared at the top of the ramp. He was dressed in loose track pants, a sleeveless white tee and sunglasses. He walked down the ramp to the ring like he owned it. I had to admit, this was getting sort of interesting, if only for the view. I'm just as susceptible as the next girl when it comes to eye candy. This guy didn't rank as high on the scale as Edward, but he might be somewhere on the level of Chewy Runts – just below the Smarties.

He made it to the ring and handed his sunglasses to the referee imperiously, like the guy was his servant or something. His back was to the camera, since he was staring at his opponent. He turned to the crowd and ripped the pants off – they must have been the kind that snapped at the sides. Underneath he wore fitted black pants. Then he peeled off his shirt and threw it out of the ring. He lifted his arms in the air and roared like a bear. _Original. He just dropped a few points on the Scale... maybe down to Starburst level._

He turned to fully face the camera, which was zoomed in for effect.

Short black hair with a little bit of curl. Ice blue eyes.

Holy. Shit. I know that guy! It was Mr. Meat Sweats himself. No wonder he ate all that beef! I began to laugh uncontrollably. Ben was going to crap his pants.

The Grizzly was Emmett Cullen.


	3. Chapter 3 Obligatory Bella Barbie Chap!

_Disclaimer: I don't own TWILIGHT, although I do own an evil cat that may have thumbs (it's the only possible explanation for some of the things he does)._

_Once again, thanks to my beta, KnittingVamp7, for catching my dumb mistakes and thinking that _Spaceballs_ is cool._

Chapter 3: The Obligatory Bella Barbie Chapter

I awoke early the next morning. I just couldn't sleep any longer, because today I was going on a date with Edward Cullen – the ovary whisperer.

He was also the brother of the "most badass wrestler ever to grace the sport", according to Ben. That is, if you considered it a sport and not a male soap opera. I'd had a hard time getting Ben out of the apartment after he realized that I actually had met Emmett. _Apparently someone had a little man-crush._ He asked me so many questions about Emmett that you'd think I was going out with him instead of his brother. Angela finally got Ben out of my hair around midnight. I was starting to wonder if Ben would be more upset than me if this date with Edward didn't go well.

I got out of bed, resigning myself to the fact that I would not be going back to sleep. I had work to do today – shopping.

I'd spent the last six years of my life in jeans, sweats, and my various work uniforms. When you're a college student on a limited budget, you make do with what you have. It's not that I didn't care about my appearance but there were other things that were more important, like food, rent, and, occasionally, alcohol. I'm ashamed to say that on those occasions where alcohol was involved, I'd rationalized my less than stellar wardrobe with the thought that if there was _enough _alcohol, no one would notice my lack of clothing variation. After all, I had a nice figure and I looked good in jeans and tight t-shirts.

But Edward was no college boy with beer goggles. I wanted to make him speechless. I had nothing in my current wardrobe that would do this. I hate shopping, but only because I have expensive tastes. I know what looks good on me; I just can never afford it. I'd made do with my uniform of jeans and tees, promising myself that someday I'd be able to buy the things I wanted. For the most part it didn't bother me much. Tonight was different. I wanted to knock him on his squeezable behind. I was graduating in a few days and I was jumping feet first into this transition from my work in progress of a life to who I really wanted to be. I considered this the beginning of the next phase of my life, the phase where I would be more confident and outspoken, where I would see what I wanted and reach for it.

It's too bad that I wasn't really sure who that person was... but I was starting to get some ideas.

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

I was on a mission. I was also painfully aware of my one and only credit card in my pocket. _I'm only for emergencies,_ it warned. _Charlie would be so __disappointed by you using me for frivolous impulse purchases. _ Apparently my ovaries were not alone in their ability to annoy me.

I ignored the killjoy in my pocket. I deserved this. I was going to buy something spectacular and if it cost me my firstborn, then so be it. I walked straight into the high end anchor store and walked to the BCBG section. Nobody designed flirty and feminine better than Max Azria. That was exactly the look I was going for. I took my time browsing, debating if I wanted a dress or just a skirt and pretty blouse.

There it was. On the wall in front of me was a beautiful deep blue strapless dress with a brushed velvet band in the same color at the tiny empire waist. The skirt was flowing and hit just above the knee. I looked closer and saw that the deep blue was made up of a barely discernible houndstooth pattern. There was a subtle shimmer to the fabric that would add depth to the skirt as it flowed around my legs.

"That's a great dress; it would look wonderful with your skin tone."

I was so absorbed in the dress that I jumped. I turned around, only to recognize Alice, Edward's sister.

"You're Bella, from the Brazilian restaurant, right?" she asked. "I'm Alice, remember?" She reached up to hug me. _Wow. She's an affectionate one._ I returned her gesture with one of those one-armed, "I don't really know you, but you're hugging me and I have to reciprocate" kind of hugs.

"Yes," I replied. "It's nice to see you again, Alice."

"Are you buying a dress for your date with my brother tonight?"

_Edward told her? That must be good, right?_

"Um, yes... actually." _And there's the blush again_. "Edward told you we were going out?" I asked.

"Not in so many words, but you'll soon find out that I know _everything_, Bella," she laughed. "I could tell by the way he was looking at you that he wanted to ask you out. I just didn't know if he would. He's a little rusty in the date department." For a moment her eyes seemed sad, but the look was gone as soon as I'd noticed it. _Edward, rusty in the dating department? _I didn't have a clue how that could be._ He's probably got women falling at his feet. _I wanted Alice to explain, but I didn't know how to prompt her to continue. Any chance I had to ask disappeared as she grabbed the dress from the rack and thrust it at me.

"Try this on. I already know it's perfect for you, but I need the full visual. Then we'll get to work picking out the shoes and accessories!" She said excitedly. Her whole body seemed to vibrate like a hyper child that had gotten her hands on a bag of candy. I was tempted to put a helmet on her and harness her to a jungle gym like that Hyper Hypo kid Mike Meyers used to play on SNL. Somehow I knew arguing would be futile, especially when I'd already decided that this was the dress.

A few minutes later I was staring at my reflection in the dressing room mirror. I had to admit, I cleaned up rather well, especially in this dress. It showed just enough cleavage to tempt him to look, but not enough to be tacky. I turned around to check out the rear view. The dress left half of my back exposed and fell smoothly over my backside.

"Bella! What are you doing in there, fixing the national debt?" She was a pushy little thing. "Let me see!" I could see her shadow moving under the door. _Does she ever stop bouncing? She's a human perpetual motion machine._ At that thought, I had a vision of one of those desk toys with the silver balls that bounced off one another. Once you set it off, it took a while to wind down again.

"Coming, Alice," I said as I stepped out of the little room. I did a little pirouette for effect. _Uh-oh. Bad idea! _I promptly lost my balance, staggering into the rack that held the dressing room cast-offs. _Oh God_. I landed on my butt underneath the clothes, silently thanking the universe that the rack hadn't tipped over. I felt a blush of gigantic proportions coming on. I heard a stifled giggle from outside of the wall of clothes I was currently hidden in before a tiny hand poked through.

"Whoa there, Grace, are you okay? Let me help you up," she said, still trying to control her laughter.

For a moment, I entertained the thought of pulling her down with me. _I wonder if she'd be laughing then_. "Yeah, I'm fine. Happens all the time." I grabbed her hand and let her assist me up. I smiled sheepishly, glancing around to see if anyone else had witnessed my little display of grace. Thankfully, it was a Tuesday and the mall wasn't very busy. Small favors and all that.

"All the time, huh?" Were those tears in her eyes? I knew I should have pulled her little laughing ass down.

"I'm a little coordinationally challenged," I defended.

"I'm beginning to see that, after Edward told me about you banging into him with the kitchen door at the restaurant."

"He _is _okay, isn't he? He insisted he was fine yesterday -"

"Yeah, yeah, he's fine. He's got a hard head. I should know, I've been trying to break his nose for years," she joked.

I laughed at the mental picture of tiny Alice throwing a haymaker at Edward's face. It was ridiculous. "Alice, why so vicious?"

"You must be an only child. If you had any siblings you'd understand the kind of deep seated need for violence that only comes from having siblings. The things older brothers do to you when they're bored..." she shuddered dramatically. "They put gum in my hair when I was in the sixth grade. I was devastated at first, but then I discovered that I looked fabulous in short hair. I forgave them, but only after throwing a couple of punches. Edward was a gentleman at least and didn't try too hard to block me. But Emmett just planted his meaty hand on my forehead and let me swing away until I got tired. Damn him and his gorilla arms!"

"Okay, I get it," I said. Now it was my turn to try not to cry from laughing so hard. That picture was just too priceless! "I would definitely have to kill anyone that put gum in my hair. You're right, though. I am an only child. It's a good thing, too, because my mom's sort of a... free spirit."

"Oh, really? What, did you guys live in a hippie commune?"

"Um, yeah, for about six months, actually. I was fifteen. One of my mom's boyfriends was really into all that crap. Communing with nature, working the land... I don't think they realized how impossible it would be to 'work the land' in the middle of the desert," I laughed. "I could elaborate, but I'm saving it all for the novel I'll write when I want to punish my mother for subjecting me to such a childhood."

"I'd read that book! And I think my brother would too," she said with a sneaky smile.

"You mean Emmett?" I deadpanned.

"Emmett's practically illiterate," she shot back just as quickly. "The only thing he reads is _Playboy._"

When our laughter died down, she looked me up and down with a critical eye. "This is the dress. Now go change and we'll move on to the accessories and shoes. Let's move! You're still going to need time to get ready after we buy this stuff!"

I raised my eyebrows. _Okay, tiny drill sergeant. _

We continued chatting as I changed and we went to look for the rest of my outfit. I learned that she ran her own event planning firm here in Seattle, and her husband, Jasper, was a history instructor at UW. _Good thing I never had him for any classes. It would have been hard to pay attention to the subject matter. Talk about hot for teacher..._ _Whoa, Bella! Stop!_ I draw the line when I start employing Van Halen titles in my inner monologue.

She helped me pick out a pair of sexy low heeled sandals- even Alice agreed that I shouldn't wear higher heels after the dressing room incident -in the same deep blue as the dress. We also picked out a sixty inch rope of tiny matched pearls. I balked at buying something so extravagant.

"I'll never wear this with anything else, Alice!"

"Bella, this is the epitome of versatile. It's like you get twenty different necklaces in one! You can loop them, tie them in a knot, wear them as a belt, twist them into a bracelet, a choker--"

"Okay, Bubba Gump! I get it." I laughed at her enthusiasm. "So how am I supposed to wear this thing tonight?"

She looped the strand two times around my neck and tightened it, leaving a long loop hanging down my back. Then she tied a loose knot about halfway down the long end. From the front, it looked like I was wearing a three-stranded choker. I had to admit, it was a good look. "Okay, Alice." I held up my hand, Girl Scout style. "I shall never doubt your fashion advice again."

"Damn straight, Bella. Edward's going to love this. You'll be all Audrey Hepburn from the front, with your demure little pearl choker. But when he sees the rear view... rawr! It's all Angelina Jolie, baby!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

I'd just finished pulling my hair up into a twist, leaving a few loose strands around my face, when I heard the knock on the door. All of a sudden, my heart sped up and my stomach dropped to my feet. I'd been strangely calm since finishing my shopping excursion with Alice; I knew the feeling was too good to last.

I walked to the door and checked the peephole. Even when nervous, I was still Charlie's daughter. He'd never forgive me if I opened the door without checking it first.

Oh, dear Lord. Sweet Jesus... even in that weird peephole-tunnel vision he was perfect. Taking a fortifying breath, I opened the door.

"Hi, Edward," I said softly. _**Edward!! **_The Girls screeched._** Oh, those clothes look SO uncomfortable... come in and take them off!**_

He looked absolutely delicious in a pair of charcoal grey trousers and a white button down shirt with the top few buttons open. The sleeves were rolled up a bit to expose toned forearms dusted with dark hair. His hair was still rumpled and crazy, but sexy as ever. The light from the hallway caught the highlights in his hair, giving them a coppery shine. I started to reach up and touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked, but stopped myself before he noticed any movement. I hope.

"Bella, you look... beautiful. Actually, that word is entirely inadequate, but my vocabulary is failing me at the moment," he said. He thrust rather large bouquet of flowers at me. "For you."

"They're wonderful, thank you." I couldn't stop grinning. I'm sure my smile rivaled Jack Nicholson's Joker grin. _Tone it down, that's creepy!_ The bouquet was a brightly colored mixture of snapdragons, freesia and spray roses. I closed my eyes and inhaled the sweet fragrance. I looked up and caught him staring at me. I suddenly felt like I was standing in front of a blazing fireplace. His head was tilted slightly forward, and those green eyes were... smoldering at me through his long lashes. That crooked smile was firmly in place.

_Gah. I think I just forgot my name._

_**Silly Bella, we don't need to know names for what we have planned...**_ I heard my unruly companions start to sing "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye. _Zip it!_

Realizing I'd kept him standing in the hallway while I mooned over the flowers and his pretty... well, _everything_, I snapped out of it. "Please, come in while I put these in some water." I turned around and headed for the kitchen, retrieving a vase from the cabinet. When I looked back to see if he was following, I saw him frozen just inside the door, staring at my back with his mouth slightly open. "Edward?"

"Uh, I... that's a lovely necklace, Bella," he stammered. My smile became slightly evil. _Thank you, Alice! Note to self: send her some flowers. Maybe with a big box of chocolates._

"Oh, really? Thanks. I wasn't too sure about it with this dress," I said, playing up the insecurity in my tone. With a small smile on my face, I turned back to the flowers and began arranging them in the vase.

"Somehow I doubt that," he murmured in my ear. His hot breath sent goosebumps racing from my ear straight down my spine. "I think you were very sure about what that string of pearls would do to me."

_Ohmygod. _

_He's even managed to silence the ovaries. He's definitely the ovary whisperer._

"Bella? You might want to breathe. I understand it's essential for survival." He cupped his palms around my bare shoulders and turned me to face him. I swear I could still feel the imprint of his hands when he released me.

"Huh?" There was no blood left in my brain. A cookie to anyone who can guess where it was. He was just too close. I was caught up in some type of "sexytime tractor beam". He reached up with one long finger and nudged my chin up to close my mouth. Then he smirked at me.

I suddenly had full control of my faculties. _That cheeky bastard knew exactly what he was doing to me!_

I smacked his shoulder with the palm of my hand. "You stop that, Edward Cullen! You can't just go around dazzling poor unsuspecting women with your 'sexytime tractor beam' crap." _Oh, GOD! Tell me that I did NOT just say that! _My hand flew up, covering my mouth to ensure that no more idiocy spewed forth.

Edward laughed, and the rich sound flowed over me like milk chocolate. _Jeez! When did my inner monologue start sounding like one of my romance novels? He's doing it again!_ "I'm sorry, did you just say 'sexytime tractor beam'? Who says that?" And once again the spell was broken.

"Apparently, I do," I muttered. "Stuff like that wouldn't happen if you weren't out there raspberry jamming the radar of my internal filter."

"Raspberry jamming the radar," he repeated, looking confused.

"You know, 'Only one man would dare use the raspberry!'" I mimicked.

Still nothing.

"Dark Helmet? Lone Star?" He shook his head, a slight smile curving one side of his mouth.

"You've never seen _Spaceballs_?"

"Um, I guess not." Blasphemy!

"Oh, Edward. You are sadly lacking in your film education. Mel Brooks is a genius," I said. "Don't worry, I'll take you under my wing and bring you up to speed."

"If it means I'll get to spend more time with you, then I'm all for it." He said this with a raised eyebrow.

Direct. Hit.

_**Yes! We all know that watching movies together = making out!!**_

And they're back. I knew it was too good to be true.

"Well, yes, I guess it would involve spending time together... unless you want me to give you movie assignments for you to watch alone. Then you can write me a two page summary so you can prove you actually watched them." I put my hand on his arm. It was very warm and firm. I barely restrained myself from squeezing.

Now that I was actually breathing, I noticed that he had the most amazing smell. Like sandalwood, the woods after a fresh rain, and something uniquely male. I finally understood that impulse dogs had to cover themselves in a scent they found appealing. I wanted to coat myself in Eau de Edward. _Did I just compare myself to a dog rolling in a stinky patch? _I tried to surreptitiously breathe through my mouth so my brain cells could keep functioning.

"I don't think writing papers would be necessary," he said, grinning at me. The grin slowly faded and he became very serious. He brushed a tendril of hair over my shoulder. His hand rested on the side of my neck, his thumb just brushing my jawline. "There's something I want to get out of the way before we leave, if that's okay with you."

"Okay," I sighed. The "sexytime tractor beam" was nothing compared to his hands on my skin. I think I would have agreed to be drawn and quartered at that point, as long as Edward was the one doing it.

He stepped a little closer to me. He tilted my chin slightly, and then his warm lips brushed lightly over mine. Once. Twice. I was still in shock. Then I felt the tip of his tongue swipe across my lower lip. I sucked in a breath, and then his mouth was fully on mine. His tongue stroked inside and I came alive. I whimpered and pressed my entire body against him. His hand slid over my shoulder and down my back, the pearls adding a cool sensation to the warmth of his hand gliding down my bare skin.

I slid my hands up his chest and into that wonderful hair, curling my fingers into the soft strands. He groaned deep in his throat and I met his tongue with mine. He pulled back slightly, scraping his teeth softly across my bottom lip. I followed him, not wanting the kiss to end. I held him to me by his hair as I slid my tongue across his lips. He opened to me with no hesitation. He tasted unbelievable, like sunshine and mint and man. As I slowly pulled away, I pulled his lower lip into my mouth and flicked it with my tongue. _Turnabout's fair play, mister._

_**Nooo! Why are we stopping? Our clothes are still on! Making babies is impossible with clothes on! **_Obviously the girls had no imagination. _I could find plenty of ways around the clothes... No! Have to stop!_

_**But it's our duty to make sure that this man's genes are passed on to future generations!**_

___Wow, they were sort of starting to make sense... NO! Down, Bella!_

We were both breathing heavily when we made eye contact. There was a slight flush spread across the bridge of his nose and his eyes had darkened to a beautiful mossy green.

"Wow. I don't quite think that had the effect I intended," he said, one corner of his mouth lifting. "That was supposed to relieve some of the tension."

"Yeah...it probably did the opposite." I smiled at him. "When can we do that again?" My hands were still in his hair, and his were... on my ass? How had I missed that? _Oh, yeah, his magic lips were distracting me._

_"_I'd say we'd better go to dinner first. It seems like working backwards wasn't the smartest idea."

"Why do I get the feeling that it's a rare occasion when you admit you're wrong, Edward?"

"Oh, it happens, Bella," he laughed, but it sounded forced.

"I'll remember that," I teased. And just because I couldn't resist, I stood up on the tips of my toes and gave him a peck on his soft lips. It took all my willpower to just leave it at that. "So do you want to remove your hands from my butt and get out of here?"

His hands flexed a bit before he yanked them away. His mouth opened then shut again. Then he spoke. "You know, I don't think I'm going to apologize for that." This was punctuated with what I was beginning to consider my very own smirk. "I've wanted to do that ever since I watched you making that drink at your bar."

"I _knew_ you were looking at my ass! Or at least, I was hoping you were."

"Well, I figured that someone who'd nicknamed me 'Sex Hair' wouldn't mind if I ogled her rather nice behind..." he trailed off.

Well. He sure had my number.

"Come on, you perv. I'm hungry," I said. "Show me this surprise you've got for me."

-------------------

A/N: Yeah, I know… obviously, the date will be in the next chapter. That's how I roll. Don't worry, I'm already working on it.

So, when I first started reading fanfiction, I used to say to myself, "If I ever write a fic, I'm not gonna beg for reviews." Well, now I **totally understand how those authors feel. ** So now I'm gonna swallow my pride… Please review! If you want. If it's not too much trouble. Damn it, review! I'll even write you back; it will seem like you have real internet friends!!

Reviews are like that awesome manipulated New Moon poster that's been making the rounds of the Twilighted boards… (insert clip of Homer Simpson drooling here). If you don't know what I'm talking about, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? PM me if you wanna take a look see and I'll send you the link, but don't blame me if you find yourself losing hours of your day just staring at it. Shirtless R-Patz… enough said.


	4. Chapter 4 Dyslexic Heart

**Disclaimer: I don't own TWILIGHT. I do, however, own a TWILIGHT poster in which KStew has a very impressive fu-manchu mustache. And a soul patch.**

**Props to KnittingVamp7 for cleaning up my messes. Yes, I said props. Thanks for your great suggestions! **

Chapter 4 – Dyslexic Heart

Edward escorted me down to his car, his hand scorching the small of my back the entire way. The elevator in my building had never seemed so small before. He stood very close to me; I could feel the heat from his body through the inches that separated us. He smelled _so_ good. Thankfully we stepped out of the elevator before I gave in to the urge to bury my nose in his neck and inhale like a dog. An immaculately clean, dark silver Volvo sat directly in front of the building. Edward walked me to the passenger door and opened it, ready to hand me inside.

"Nice car," I said. It seemed he had unbelievable luck in addition to his drool-inducing looks and doctor brain, seeing as he'd found a parking spot right in front of my building. This is a mathematical impossibility after five o'clock on weekdays. That was part of the reason I'd given up my trusty red Chevy after moving out of the dorms. The other part of the reason was that, well, she wasn't quite so trusty anymore. It was easier to just take the bus or monorail wherever I needed to go. My old truck currently held a place of honor in Charlie's driveway back in Forks.

"Thank you. I'm pretty proud of it actually; I just bought it not too long ago. A little post-residency present to myself." He carefully tucked me inside and walked around to take his seat. _Who does that anymore? This guy's stock must be through the roof._ Not that I was complaining. "So, would you like to know where we're going?" He started the car and pulled out into the street.

"Are you sure you don't want to keep it a secret until we get there? You know, go all out, blindfold and all?" I asked, half smiling at him.

_**Oooh, Bella, great idea! Blindfold... Edward... **_**NAKED!**

Actually, that idea wasn't half bad... I mentally shook my head to clear it of the pervy thoughts. Nothing good could come from agreeing with the girls.

"If you'd prefer it that way, I'm sure I could make that happen for you," he replied. He glanced at me quickly from under his lashes, flashing that crooked smile.

_**YES! YES! Blindfold us, tie us up, we can handle the kink!**_

I was pretty sure that every red blood cell in my body was currently vying for a spot in my cheeks. If he blindfolded me, I might burst into flames on the spot-- and I was afraid my recently sentient companions might scream so loud he would actually hear them.

"No, I'd love to know where we're going. That way I can complain about it if I think I might not like it."

"Do you have a smart aleck remark for everything?" he laughed.

"Pretty much." It was the truth. My first language was snark.

"I used to think my stepdad thought my name was Smart-Ass." He laughed even harder at this. "That's all he ever called me for a good six months – he still calls me 'SA' to this day."

"And you don't mind?"

"I'm proud of that nickname." I grinned. "I'd say we're more like brother and sister than step-parent and child. My relationship with my mom is the same way."

"Yet another interesting fact to add to the mystery that is Bella... well, this is embarrassing. What _is_ your last name?"

"Oh! I never told you? And to think, your palms have already become intimately acquainted with my ass. It's Swan." I just can't resist teasing him; I'm learning fast that teasing him leads to comments that make me blush. I'm a glutton for punishment.

_**Punish us, Edward. We've been bad, bad girls!**__ Oh, for the love of God! Where's a muzzle when you need one?_

"I'm still not apologizing for one of the highlights of my existence." Oh, I was a sucker for that smile. I returned it with one of my own. "Swan... the epitome of beauty and grace," he mused.

I nearly snorted. I sent up a little prayer for not actually having done so. "Hardly!" He was cheesier than a Friday night pizza during Lent but I ate it up anyway.

"Maybe not the grace," he said dryly. "But definitely the beauty." He was giving me that smoldering look again. I looked away. For once, I had no snarky comeback. I couldn't quite believe this was happening to me. I pinched myself discreetly.

_Sonofabitch, that hurt!_ Well, it wasn't a dream, but I'd probably have a bruise tomorrow.

It was then that I noticed how fast Edward was driving. We took a corner at lightning speed. My right foot started pressing into the floorboard. _What I wouldn't give for a passenger brake. _I decided just to stare at Edward; his profile was infinitely better than any road carnage I might imagine if I kept paying attention to his driving.

"Hey, where are we going? You never actually told me." If I could distract myself with small talk, maybe I could keep my inner backseat driver in check.

"It's just a little family-owned place I've been frequenting since I started college. I hope you like Greek food."

"It's one of my favorites," I answered. I tore my gaze away from his face to watch his hands. They looked so capable-- the way those long fingers curled around the steering wheel. Even though his driving was scaring the shit out of me, I had to admit that there was something sexy about the way he handled his car. _I bet he could handle me _very_ capably..._ Great. I knew it was only a matter of time before the ovaries took over my brain. Apparently all it took was ten minutes alone in a confined space with Edward.

"Well, that's good, because I don't think this could go any further if you didn't share my passion for gyros." We'd stopped at a red light, and he turned to look at me, crooked grin in place.

"Thank goodness I'd never turn down a hot meat sandwich, then." _Crap on a stick! I just said "hot meat sandwich."_ He raised his eyebrows, and he unsuccessfully tried to stifle a laugh. (HAHA!)

_**Mmmm... We definitely wouldn't turn down that man meat.**_ Shit! I agreed with them! My rational brain had definitely deserted me. He needed a warning label.

_Caution: exposure to Edward Cullen may cause your IQ to drop below the threshold level of functional retardation. _

I dropped my head down and covered my eyes with one hand. He reached over and pulled my hand away from my face, taking it in his own. He didn't release it; instead he dropped our joined hands to my lap. "I like a woman who eats... meat," he said in a low voice thick with implication. I tried in vain to come up with an appropriately sarcastic comment, to no avail.

A horn blared behind us. Edward floored the gas pedal, sending us flying through the intersection and throwing me back against my seat. Our hands were still joined; I thrust them at the steering wheel, trying to give him his hand back.

"I think you need both of those, you know, so you don't KILL US, Speed Racer!" The threat of imminent death must have restored some of my brain function. He laughed at me.

"Don't worry, Bella. I'm an excellent driver. D-Daddy used to let me b-back his car up and d-down the driveway," he said in a childlike voice, grinning now.

"Huh? You still need both hands if you're going to drive like a maniac!"

"Don't tell me you've never seen _Rain Man,_ Miss Movie Buff."

"I make it a point to avoid anything with Tom Cruise in it except for _Top Gun_. And _Interview with the Vampire _– but only because I love vampires and Brad Pitt. Tom Cruise as Lestat? Give me a break. He's a nutbag. Gives me the heebie-jeebies." I was babbling to take my mind off my fear of our light speed travel. I was tempted to make another _Spaceballs_ joke, but he wouldn't get it anyway.

"Relax, Bella. Trust me, we're almost there," he soothed. His thumb began slowly brushing back and forth in my palm. I would have sworn his thumb was caressing a different part of my body entirely. Yeah, it was that good. I swear the girls started purring. They would have rubbed themselves against his legs if they could. Little hussies. I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes, making an effort to relax, if only so he wouldn't think I was a backseat-driving bitch. Plus, if I closed my eyes, I couldn't see fiery death approaching. The tenseness began to fade from my shoulders, but only because it was migrating to a different area, one south of the border.

His thumb stopped its teasing stroke and he squeezed my hand. "Bella, we're here."

Huh. I hadn't even noticed. Add magical thumbs to his list of mystical attributes.

"Hey. I just wanted you to know how glad I am that you agreed to come with me tonight," he said, looking serious. I didn't know what he'd been smoking before picking me up tonight, but in what universe would I turn him down?

"Well, I did have a hot date with Prince William tonight, but I blew him off as soon as you asked me out," I joked. One corner of his mouth kicked up, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. That just wasn't going to work for me. I leaned towards him and whispered, "He's kind of losing his hair anyway..." I pointed at Edward's hair. "When I compared old Will's hair with the magnificence on top of your head, it was an easy decision."

"I'm serious. Though I do appreciate your um... enthusiasm for my hair."

I smirked at him. "Come on, Cullen. That hair? It's the equivalent of a male peacock's feathers. The crowning glory to attract all the little peahens. Sexual selection at its finest... well, unless something fast is chasing you. Then all that showiness might slow you down." There it was. That crooked smile in all its glory, and this time it did reach his eyes.

"Hmmm, science speak. Are you sure you want to venture down that path with me? It kind of turns me on, talking about sexual selection, life history strategies..." His voice faded out. We were so close our heads were nearly touching. I was surrounded by his smell, which was only intensified in the small space. "You're amazing, Bella. I never know what's going to come out of your mouth," he said. His voice was husky, his eyes were dark, and he looked sad again all of a sudden. I was almost ready to change his nickname from "Sex Hair" to "Yo-Yo Guy," or maybe "Mood Swing Dude."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Nothing. I just don't know what I did to get so lucky. I don't deserve this."

Cue the record scratching. _Back that up a second. _

"What the heck are you talking about, Debbie Downer? Last time I checked, I was the lowly bartender and you were the handsome, intelligent doctor, otherwise known as," and yes, I used air quotes, "a _catch_. What's wrong with this picture here?" I asked, pointing back and forth between us. A humorless laugh escaped him. Then he sighed and pulled back.

"I'm not the paragon you seem to think I am, Bella. There are... things about me that you don't know. Things I'm afraid to tell you because I'm selfish, and I don't want to ruin one of the best things to come along in a very long while. I just want to enjoy being with you," he said. "You don't see yourself clearly at all. So fearless, so real-- and beautiful." He shook his head.

I just looked at him. I had no response for that statement. I knew that what he'd just said should probably send me running screaming for the hills. He might as well have been sitting there with a big, flashing sign over his head that read, "I have ISSUES!"

_**We don't care about "issues." We can fuck the issues right out of him!**_ Ah, the girls, ever optimistic.

Strangely enough, I didn't care either. I just wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to know why he felt that way, and then I wanted to smack him for thinking such things about himself. But there was a time and a place for that, and a first date wasn't it. I put my hand up to his cheek and looked straight into those beautiful green eyes.

"Edward, you didn't drag me out of my apartment kicking and screaming. I happen to be an _awesome_ judge of character. I know people. I observe them for a living," I said with a small smile, referring to my bartending gig. One corner of his mouth kicked up in response. "I like you. I want to get to know you. It's too late anyway. My number was up as soon as you laid your hands on my ass." He threw his head back and laughed loudly. I felt that tingling warmth spread through me at the sound. "You laugh now," I said. "But where I come from, that's as good as a marriage proposal." _Oops. Perhaps that was _too_ much. _

"Bella, you truly are amazing," he said, leaning toward me. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips. It was a kiss of comfort, of connection, and it was over before I had a chance to respond. All thoughts of my stupid comment flew away. "Are you hungry?"

_Not for food._

"You did promise me a meat sandwich." _Shit! Filter? Hello?_

"Far be it from me to deny a woman her meat," he teased. He got out of the car and came around to open my door while I was still fumbling for the handle. He opened the door to the restaurant to usher me inside; he even held out my chair and seated me before taking the seat across from me. A girl could get used to this. Maybe after we ate he could take me back to his place and fan me with palm fronds while feeding me peeled grapes.

I imagined the scene: me, reclining on a chaise lounge, dressed like Cleopatra. Edward hovering over me, wearing only a loincloth, his toned chest and abs gleaming in the candlelight... _Holy cow! _

_**Yes, Bella! Now you're talking... but there's no need for a loincloth! Love slaves don't need clothes.**_

The longer I was around Edward, the more rational the girls started to sound. They were probably getting all the blood that was being diverted from my brain.

"Bella?"

"Uh, yeah?" My cheeks were on fire; if he could read my mind _he'd_ be the one blushing.

"Where did you go?" he asked. "You looked about a million miles away." He leaned forward, taking my hand across the table. "You're not having second thoughts because of what I said, are you?" He looked so tense, so I scrambled for something to say to make him laugh. Might as well be honest, as long as _he_ didn't know it...

"No, no! I was just picturing you in a loincloth," I said with a straight face. Barely. My cheeks flamed even hotter. He looked shocked; then he laughed that wonderful, smooth laugh again. "And no more of that heavy talk. I like you, and that's final. We're going to get to know each other, and there's nothing you can do about it." I punctuated that sentence with a firm nod, just so he'd know that I meant business. He held up both hands in a _mea culpa_ gesture.

"What kind of loincloth?" he asked after a moment, raising one eyebrow. I think he was trying to look sinister, but it was seriously turning me on.

"What do you mean what kind? There's more than one?" Shit, I was giggling again.

"Of course, Bella! There's the Tarzan loincloth, which is usually made of some type of ragged animal skin, and the slave loincloth, made of rough fabric – probably really scratchy on sensitive areas -"

"Stop, stop! I can't handle it!" I was giggling even louder.

"I think you can handle it, Bella." Those damn sexy eyes were shining with mirth. "You started it. If you're going to fantasize about me in a loincloth, you'd better make sure the material feels nice rubbing against what's under it."

I know my mouth was hanging wide open at this point. He was throwing down the gauntlet. I couldn't let him get to me like this; he had too many advantages already.

"I don't think the type of loincloth would matter. You see, the way I was picturing it, you wouldn't be wearing it long enough for it to bother you."

The smirk disappeared and he shifted in his seat. He looked a bit dazed.

The girls dropped to their knees in supplication.

_**We're not worthy! We're not worthy!**_

Now it was my turn to smirk.

Our waiter appeared at that moment to take our orders. I ordered a glass of red wine, while Edward ordered water for both of us and asked for hummus and pita bread as an appetizer. The waiter left us alone for a moment. Edward cleared his throat and shifted again, looking a bit uncomfortable in his seat. Devil Bella sat on my shoulder, poking me with her pitchfork and encouraging me to keep needling him. I leaned forward, trying to copy his smoldering look. Apparently Angel Bella was out sick.

I tried to look seductive. "Something wrong, Edward? You look a little... tense." Of course, then I had to go and ruin the effect by laughing a little on the last word and I snorted as I inhaled.

Crap. Hubris – the crime the gods so loved to punish. _Devil Bella, you're getting the fly-swatter._

Edward narrowed his eyes a bit, giving me a look that clearly said he was on to my games. He got up and sat in the chair to my immediate right, then leaned close and ran the backs of his fingers down my arm.

"Can I interest you in a truce?"

_Truce? Holy Hell, I surrender!_

I was saved by the return of our waiter. He placed our drinks and appetizer on the table and asked if we were ready to order. I immediately took a large swallow of my wine. I hadn't even glanced at the menu.

"Why don't you order, Edward? You know what's good here," I managed.

One side of his mouth curved up and he said, "She'll have traditional gyro." It turned into a full-fledged smirk now. "I'll have the grilled chicken plate." I scowled at him. The waiter observed our little exchange and gave us a strange look before promising to return shortly.

"Grilled chicken plate?" I retorted. "What happened to your love of gyros?"

"Bella, you're even more fun to torment than Alice. It's not sexy at all when she blushes."

"I would hope not. That would be about ten different kinds of wrong. What happened to the truce?"

"I didn't realize you were about to agree before we were interrupted."

"Well, I was thinking about it, but I don't know now." I really couldn't help pouting. He picked up a pita triangle and dipped it in the hummus. How could his hands be so sexy doing such a mundane task?

"I thought we could share everything. There's nothing on the menu that isn't wonderful." He held the pita up to my mouth. "Try it."

I wondered if there was a sexy way to eat hummus. I decided against trying, because I'd probably just fuck it up anyway. I took a bite. It really was delicious. I swallowed my pita and downed the last of my wine. Damn small glasses. _Amateur bartender._ _Why does no one else bother to learn the art of the decent pour?_

"Okay, I accept your truce. No more, um, _provoking_ each other. For now." We shook hands to seal the deal. "So, tell me about yourself. Behind the sexy hair and brooding stares, who is Edward Cullen?"

"What else do you need to know?" he joked. "Well, I'm twenty-eight, and I'm a Chicago transplant. My family moved here when I was a junior in high school. I have two siblings, both of whom you've already met. You already know I'm a doctor, and I work at UW Medical Center. Evidently I have hair that attracts women like the pied piper attracts rats. I'm a pretty boring guy, actually. I'd much rather learn about you."

Even though I had the idea that he'd just given me the "short short" version, I decided to let it slide. I didn't want him to get all emo on me again, at least not tonight.

"Well, we have something in common. I also moved to Washington in the eleventh grade. I'm a Phoenix transplant. The change in climate was the shock of my life." We both laughed. "Let's see... Bella Swan, the _Cliffs Notes_ version. I'm twenty-five, I love movies, and all kinds of books. I love music, but I can't sing to save my life. My dream is to live in a wonderful home on a tropical island and write books, just like Hemingway. Well, except for the suicide thing. And I'm clumsy. I fall down a lot."

"Really, you're clumsy?" he asked, making a show of rubbing his nose.

"Ha ha. Just for that comment, you get to tell me three things about yourself that not many people know."

"Hmm..." he sighed. He had a really cute crease between his eyebrows. It was a sexy thinking face. "I play classical piano, but never where anyone else can hear. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good doctor." He leaned closer to me and took my hand again. "And this week, I met someone who just might change my life."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

The rest of dinner went much like the beginning. We flirted, laughed, and ate excellent food. Edward ate, anyway. I sort of picked at my meal. I was thrown off balance by Edward's third revelation, which led to me having two more of those pathetically tiny glasses of wine. As we stood up to leave, my stomach felt like I'd left it in my seat. _Maybe I _should _have eaten more. _Tiny glasses or not, I think I was little bit tipsy as we left the restaurant.

I was afraid that I felt the exact same way about Edward. I didn't know what would come of our relationship, but I had the feeling that it would indeed be life changing. I didn't want to think about what would happen in the future. Being with him felt so good, so right... but it was also very new. I needed to be somewhat cautious. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

He held my hand as we walked to his car. There was a pleasant warmth in my stomach from the wine, and I couldn't keep the smile off of my face. Again, he was a perfect gentleman, helping me into the passenger seat and closing the door.

"I have one more surprise up my sleeve. Are you game?" he asked.

"You know it," I said. Everything was warm and pleasant, and it wasn't just from the wine. It was him. I didn't even mind his Formula One driving style as he took us to our destination, and the drive was over before I knew it. We stopped in front of a large brick building and went inside. Edward punched the elevator button for the very top floor.

"Is this your place?"

"Actually, yes."

"Pretty presumptuous of you, isn't it? I'm not ready for that kind of surprise." I turned my back to him and acted offended, but I wasn't quite able to quiet my laugh. He pulled me back against his chest, his arms wrapping around my front.

"Silly Bella, we're going up to the roof garden," he laughed softly in my ear. My legs were turning to jelly and my entire body was covered in gooseflesh. He dipped his nose to the junction between my neck and shoulder and followed the curve back up to my ear. _Did he just sniff me?_ "God. You smell like strawberries," he breathed.

"Is that bad?" I whispered. I hoped not. At this point he could presume all he wanted. The girls had gone to slip into something more comfortable. My brain had left the building.

"Not at all. In fact, I believe I have a new favorite fruit."

The elevator doors opened, and he led me through the door marked "Roof Access." We climbed a short flight of stairs and stepped into the garden. It was breathtaking. The city lights of Seattle sparkled in the distance, and white lights covered the large trellis that spanned the length of the garden. I caught the scent of night-blooming jasmine. White flowers bloomed everywhere, the petals seeming to glow softly in the moonlight. A few rough-hewn teak chairs were placed throughout the garden; giving visitors a place to sit just enjoy the view. This garden was like a tiny piece of heaven set down right in the middle of the city.

Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind, leaning down to rest his chin on my shoulder. "Do you like it? It's a moon garden," he said softly.

"I love it," I answered quietly. "It's beautiful." It just seemed wrong to speak above a whisper in this place, it was so magical.

"I don't get much of a chance to enjoy time outdoors during the day. This garden sold me on the building. I come up here whenever I get the chance." He paused for a moment. "It… soothes me."

He held me closer for a moment, and then walked over to a teak table in the corner. It held a small iPod docking station and speakers. After fiddling with it for a second, soft classical music spread throughout the garden. He walked back to me, holding my eyes with his gaze the entire time. He was so graceful. I would have fallen more than once if I tried to walk that far without watching my feet.

He took my left hand and slid his other arm around my waist, pulling me so close that air couldn't even get between us. I just stared into those deep green pools. Did he want me to dance? I was speechless. Snarky Bella, who had a comeback for _everything_, couldn't think of a damn word to say.

_**Yoo-hoo! Bella! Dancing is just like foreplay...**_

___Of course. I should have known THEY'D have something to say. _

I finally regained my ability to speak.

"I take it you're not that attached to your toes?" This was getting too intense. I had to do something to break the spell before I melted into a quivering puddle at his feet.

"I'll take my chances. I've been waiting for this all night." He began to move slowly, back and forth. We were so close that I could feel every shift of his muscles. I laid my head on his shoulder and tried to follow his lead. It wasn't completely mortifying, and being in his arms definitely made up for any awkwardness I felt.

The song came to an end and we stopped moving. I looked up at him, meaning to watch his eyes, but my gaze came to a stop at his lips. I watched him moisten the bottom lip with the tip of his tongue and I lost it. I slid my hands up to his hair and pressed my lips to his. I slid my tongue across that soft lower lip and he opened to me without hesitation. He tasted so good, the faint hint of the meal we'd shared mixing with that taste that was solely Edward. He thrust one hand into my hair, cupping the back of my head. The arm that was banded about my waist pulled me tighter against him, making it hard for me to breathe. He held me like he was never letting me go.

I let my nails graze his scalp and he moaned deep in his throat. He twined his tongue with mine, pressing his lips harder against me. His teeth nipped at my lips, the tiny sting only adding to the pleasurable sensation of the kiss. He started to walk me backwards, aiming for one of the teak chairs, never breaking the kiss. We were a few steps from the chair when I stepped on something soft and heard an awful screech. Startled, I pulled away, looking into his lust darkened eyes.

"Did I just step on a cat? Up here?" He was starting to laugh.

"Yeah, we actually have a stray that lives up here. Poor thing." He shook his head and scrubbed his face with the palm of his hand. "I guess we needed a wake up call, though."

_**Nooo, why? Damn that cat!**_

__I wholeheartedly agreed with the girls, but I was sort of thankful for the interruption. Edward turned and bent down to look under the chair we'd been heading for.

"Come on, baby, it's okay," he crooned. _Whoa. That sounded way too sexy __to waste on an animal. _A very fat cat emerged from underneath the chair. It was white with a calico tail. It looked like someone had stuck the wrong tail on the back end.

"She must get fed a lot," I observed.

"Actually, I think she's pregnant again. She gets around a lot. The little tart was pregnant when she first showed up here. I have no idea how she managed it again, she's the only cat up here."

"She must be really persistent," I laughed. Not only did she interrupt the hottest kiss of my life, she's a little hussy too. I reached over to pet her and received a swat and a hiss for my efforts.

"That's strange; she's never done that before."

"Well, I did step on her. Does she have a name?"

"Yeah, it's weird. No typical pet names for this lady. All the neighbors call her Tanya."

---------------------------------------------

**A/N: So what did you all think? The best incarnation of Tanya in the history of fan fics? :P **

**So obviously, there will be no Edward - stealing Tanya hussy in this fic. I have something better up my sleeve to throw a monkey wrench into B & E's lives... heh heh. You'll just have to wait and see what it is.**

**For all of you who might not know (and I'm totally dating myself here), The title of this chapter is also the title of an awesome song by Paul Westerberg. Yeah, it's totally nineties. I don't care, I'm totally a nineties girl. I thought it fit this chapter pretty well.**

**So............... please review! Pretty please? With Edward in a moon garden on top? **

**...with whipped cream and a cherry?**


	5. Chapter 5 Cat Scratches and Road Rage

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do own a Twilight poster. It's in my cube at work, along with the Rob collage my coworkers made for me. And not a one of us are under twenty-five. It's sad, really.**

**A big thanks to KnittingVamp7 for fixing my mistakes and making this stuff sound prettier. She has the biggest, bestest, shiniest red pen in the world. **

**Thanks also to those who've been reviewing. I love hearing from you guys. It just makes my day when I get those alerts in my inbox. **

Chapter 5 – Cat Scratches and Road Rage

"I'm sorry Tanya scratched you." Edward picked up my hand and held it close to his face to look at the damage.

"I think she just wants you all to herself," I said. "I would if I were her," I muttered under my breath. Edward looked at me from beneath his lashes and brought my hand up to his lips, gently kissing the parallel scratches that marred the top of my hand.

_Oh. My. _

The pain disappeared. Kissing the boo-boo really did make it better, if Edward's lips were doing the kissing.

_**Hellooo, Edward? We have a boo-boo too! It's a bit lower... a little lower...**_

Um, yeah, so I really had no issues with their suggestion. Further proof of the deterioration of my brain cells. This is my brain on Edward Cullen.

"Who wouldn't? You know, I've been told I'm a _catch_." Even air-quotes couldn't make this man look silly. His lips curved into a softer version of that perfect crooked smile. "Come on, let's go downstairs and get you cleaned up."

"No, we don't have to leave yet, Edward. I'm fine. This is nothing compared to some of the things I've done to myself," I protested. I thought of the time I'd grabbed my curling iron by the barrel, thinking, _I wonder if that's hot_? It was. Holy Mother of God, it was_. _I haven't used a curling iron since. "Just check my record at the hospital if you don't believe me. The ER attending docs know me by name. My chart is about three inches thick. It would probably make great reading if you happened to get bored."

"If not for the fact that it would be a colossal HIPAA violation, I would have done it already." He winked at me. "I had some free time today and I barely restrained myself from typing your name into the hospital database." _Aww, how sweet. Edward had stalker tendencies just like me!_ "Bella, we really need to clean it; cats' claws can carry many different microbes that can cause infection."

The man is so sexy he can turn me on by talking about microbes. Freaking bacteria! "Okay, okay. Take me downstairs and you can play doctor." The girls came running with their stethoscope.

_**Remember, Bella - when you put on the examination gown, the slit goes in the FRONT! **_

Oh, man. I was _so_ not going down that road.

Edward's loft was on the top floor. It was very open, with floor to ceiling windows that offered amazing views of the Seattle skyline. At least, I thought they did. I was too busy watching Edward to really look. He led me through a darkened doorway, not bothering to flip on the light as we kept walking. There were large windows here too, and they let enough moonlight in for Edward to see where we were going. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of walking into door frames in good light, and it was only multiplied in the dim apartment. I stubbed my pinky toe on the door. Pain radiated from my foot all the way up my calf and shin. Nothing hurts more than stubbing that stupid, useless toe on the door.

"OW!" _Goddamnshitballsmotherfucker!_ I should just have the damn thing amputated. What is it good for besides hurting like a bitch every time I stub it on something (which happens to be just about every other day)? It's not like I needed it for balance or anything.

Inertia kept the top half of my body moving forward, while the bottom half was stuck at the door. Edward was still holding my hand, so I only had one hand to brace myself.

_This isn't going to end well._ I closed my eyes and prepared my face for its inevitable meeting with his hardwood floors.

The impact never came though. I ended up smashing face first into Edward's chest instead.

Sweet Jesus, that smell. I just wanted to rip his shirt open and lick him.

_**Yes, Bella. Welcome to the dark side. Did you know we have cookies? **_

I give up. Resistance was futile. The girls had assimilated me into their hive mind. Edward was speaking. I knew this because I could feel a delicious rumbling under my face where it was still plastered to his chest. I didn't know what he was saying; his words blended together like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

"WAH WA WAH WAH WAH WA?" His voice was still wonderful, even in the wordless teacher mode, and I didn't care what he was saying. I was too busy _feeling_ it. Forgetting about the pain in my foot, I sighed and took in another deep breath of that wonderful scent. Yes, like a dog. _That's me - Bella, the bitch in heat._

"Bella? Are you okay?" His voice was colored with concern. I peeled my face away from him and looked up. I nodded mutely, feeling slightly dizzy. I swear, if you soaked a rag in that scent, you could use it just like chloroform. Or rohypnol. _Edward was a living, breathing roofie!_ I was rapidly realizing that I could easily become addicted to Edward. I'd eventually need support group meetings. Edward Anonymous. _Hello, my name is Bella, and I'm addicted to Edward Cullen._

As I stared up into his eyes, his look of concern slowly faded only to be replaced with intense heat. His hands flexed against my back, almost like he couldn't help himself. _Well, I know all about that. What the hell_. For the second time tonight, I chucked my old friend common sense out the window.

I wound both fists into his shirt collar and pulled his head down to mine. His lips were already parted and he met me halfway. He didn't bother starting out soft and slow; he kissed me deeply, his tongue rubbing sinuously against mine. His hands slid down to my ass and lifted me tightly against him. One hand slid slowly down my thigh to the back of my knee, leaving a trail a fire that connected directly to my center. He lifted my leg around his hip; and I hopped up to encircle his waist with both legs. Even though I had started the kiss, I was suddenly very aware that I was no longer in control of it. Our hips were pressed tightly together and I could feel the effect I was having on him. I arched against him, trying to find relief from the heat that radiated from deep in my belly. Edward growled deep in his throat and drew my bottom lip into his mouth, nipping none too gently.

He pivoted with me in his arms, and my back met the cool plaster of the wall. One arm remained curved under my backside while the other trailed up my side, his thumb lightly brushing the curve of my breast on its way to tangle in my hair. My skirt had ridden up to my hips and his hand caressed the exposed flesh of my ass, his fingertips tucked under the edge of my panties.

I needed to breathe but I didn't want to stop kissing him. Edward made the decision for me and pulled away to trail fiery openmouthed kisses across my jaw, stopping right below my ear. We were both panting.

"Bella," he groaned, "want you so much. So soft... can't stop..."

"Then don't," I whispered, because I didn't really have enough air to speak louder. My hands were still tangled in his shirt collar. All I knew was that I didn't like his shirt anymore at all. It had to go. It took all my concentration to begin unbuttoning his shirt. Edward's mouth returned to mine, our lips meeting with such force that I felt our teeth knock together. I met every thrust of his tongue with one of my own, so absorbed in the kiss that I didn't realize I'd finished unbuttoning his shirt until I was able to slide both hands inside to touch his warm skin. I pulled back to see what I was touching, just to see if he looked as good as he felt.

_Sweet Lincoln's mullet! _

"Edward," I breathed. He was beautiful. I trailed my fingers over his pecs and the ridges of his abdomen, stopping where our hips met. He ground his cock against me, both of us moaning at the sensation. While he watched me intently with hooded eyes, I reached up and lowered the zipper at the side of my dress. He yanked the top down to my waist with one hand impatiently. Since the dress was so tight at the top, I hadn't worn a bra. I mentally patted myself on the back for that decision when I saw his reaction. His eyes glittered with green flame as he noticed my lack of undergarment. A light flush of desire rode over his cheekbones and across the perfectly imperfect bump on the bridge of his nose.

"So fucking beautiful," he grated. I could feel my inner muscles clenching at his words, the longing in his voice.

_Oh, God. I'm a dirty, dirty girl, because hearing him curse like that just DID it for me._

He dipped his head down to take one nipple in his mouth, palming my other breast with his free hand as I watched. I moaned and fisted one hand in his hair while the other clutched at the small of his back, my fingers fitting perfectly between the ridges of firm muscle on either side of his spine. His hot mouth drew sparks from my core to my breast and back again as he stroked his tongue against my nipple. All I could focus on was the feel of his mouth on my flesh. I was burning alive, and enjoying it quite thoroughly. His mouth left my nipple, leaving a wet trail up to my ear.

"Do you want me?" he rasped at my ear, the sound of his voice and the feel of his hot breath spreading tingles across my entire upper body. He ended the question with a hot, open mouthed kiss at the juncture of my jaw line and ear, sucking strongly.

"Aahh..." I gasped, unable to speak.

"Do you like that?"

"Yes..." Our voices were barely audible above the sound of our uneven breaths.

"What do you want, Bella?" His hand slid up my thigh to palm my ass underneath my panties, his fingers inching ever closer to my center.

"Oh, God," I moaned.

He finally reached my aching core and traced my outer lips, sliding his long fingers along the slick seam. Without warning, he slowly thrust two fingers deep inside, then stilled. I whimpered at his teasing. Didn't he know I was about to explode from want?

"Do you want it, Bella?" His voice was more forceful now. "Do you want me to fuck you?"

"YES!" I screamed. Holy cow, did I _want it_. He grabbed my panties and ripped them out of the way. They were brand new, but I didn't care. _I think I'll frame them. _I reached down to his waistband, flicking open the button and yanking down the zipper. I pushed his boxers and trousers just low enough to free his cock. Cradling my backside in both palms, he lifted me slightly, looking for the right angle. His eyes burned into mine. I could feel the firm pressure as he began to work the head of his cock inside.

------------------------------------

That's when my fucking alarm clock had started beeping away. I'd thrown it against the wall, which earned an angry thump from my neighbor on the other side. Maybe she'd be more understanding if she knew of the terrible offense my alarm clock had committed. It had to die.

Currently I was riding the bus to campus so I could pick up my cap and gown for graduation. I leaned back against the seat, eyes closed; I had set my iPod to shuffle, using the music to block out the noise around me. I was torturing myself by reliving my dream. Consequently, I was sitting on a noisy public transportation vehicle in desperate need of a new pair of underwear. I knew I wouldn't be able to get any relief soon, so I made an effort to concentrate on the music instead of the porno on repeat inside my head.

_...It's true for horses, cows and dogs..._

_Connecticut's for fucking_

_That's all there is to do..._

_I'd love to listen to classic rock and have sex with you._

SKIP. I don't need to hear that one right now. In fact, I was deleting it as soon as I got the chance. I heard the low bass opening of one of my favorite Muse songs. They didn't sing a song I didn't like. Most of their songs were thought provoking and emotional, not sexy, right?

_It's bugging me, grating me_

_And twisting me around_

_Yeah I'm endlessly caving in_

_And turning inside out_

_'Cause I want it now_

_I want it now_

_Give me your heart and your soul..._

SKIP. _Oh, Muse, why must you betray me so?_

_Mucho gusto, me llamo Bradley,_

_I'm hornier than Ron Jeremy..._

Frustrated, I ripped the earbuds out of my ears. I obviously needed to revamp my music library. Free from musical distraction, my thoughts once again turned to last night's dream. I should have known it wasn't real... I definitely wouldn't quote Ron Burgundy in the heat of the moment, even in my head. Well, I probably wouldn't. He did have some pretty sweet exclamation phrases that would have been appropriate for the situation.

It was the most realistic dream I'd ever had. Up until the sexing had started, it was all the same as what had occurred after I was so rudely swatted by Tanya the Slut-Cat. Edward had taken me down to his loft to clean up the scratches; I stubbed my little toe on the doorframe-- I had a very disgusting black and blue toenail this morning --and ended up with my face smashed into his chest. While Dream Bella apparently had balls of steel and took what she wanted, Real-Life Bella had been a pussy. Real Life Bella just turned tomato red and mumbled an apology before peeling herself away from his chest. So instead of both of us burning with lust, my hand had just plain burned while Edward poured hydrogen peroxide on the scratches.

After he had finished cleaning up my hand, we went back up to the roof garden. Edward settled me in his lap as we sat in one of the teak chairs, listening to music and talking about our lives. I learned that he was adopted as a child after his mother had died of leukemia. She was the reason he had become a doctor. He told me about the time he and Emmett had been arrested for ripping boards off a fence on UW property. That night they'd had a little too much Captain in them. He also mentioned a night spent in jail with pink fingernails, which also had something to do with Emmett and the Captain. Who would have thought he'd been such a wild child? He looked and acted so... responsible and doctor-like now. I tried to pry the details out of him, but somehow he managed to divert the conversation to my embarrassing exploits.

Edward was very amused by my tales of living with Renee and her flighty ideas. He found it hilarious that I had spent six months in a hippie commune being shunned by women who refused to shave their legs or armpits. I even told him about my strange obsession with hatching eggs when I was a toddler. If it was an egg, or even resembled one, I sat on it. I had egg on my ass a lot when I was a kid. Now that I think about it, sharing that story might have been a mistake...

By the end of the night, even Tanya had decided I was okay enough to plant her furry ass all over my new dress, leaving my lap covered in white cat hair. I still didn't completely trust the little witch, but it was nice to sit on Edward's lap in the darkness while we both petted the cat. He drove me home a little after one in the morning, and we shared the sweetest kiss at my front door. We made plans to see each other Saturday night after graduation, and then he left. It was the best night of my life.

_**It could have been better! If you'd just listened to us, it would have been **_**our**_** "cat" he was petting... WE have eggs that need to be hatched too, you know.**_

Ah, yes, the girls were very bitter. I didn't blame them.

_**You could have been eating delicious cookies in postcoital bliss this morning, but noooo...**_

I sighed. _Edward. Sex. Cookies._

I was such a dumbass.

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I almost missed my stop. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I barely managed to exit the bus without tripping. I headed for the school bookstore where I picked up my cap, gown, and master's hood. My phone rang as I walked back to the bus stop. I didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?"

"Bella! It's me, Alice!" I wondered if she was ever subdued. I could practically hear her bouncing over the phone.

"Hi, Alice, how are you?" I asked warily.

"Never mind me, how are _you_? Edward sure sounded happy this morning when I called to bug him for your number," she said in a sly tone.

"He did? What did he say? Did he say anything about me?"_ God, I sounded like a sixth grader. I might as well just write a note to Edward and ask Alice to pass it to him in homeroom. _

Dear Edward,

I think you're cute. Do you like me?

Circle YES or NO.

Love,

Bella

Ugh.

"Not so fast. Quid pro quo, my dear Bella," she drawled. _Okay, Hannibal. Let's just make sure they put that face cage on you first. "_Where are you? I'll come pick you up and we can chat. Wait – nevermind. I can see you!" The line went dead.

A bright yellow Porsche skidded to a stop in front of me, tires squealing. The tinted window rolled down and Alice yelled, "Hurry up and get in before I get a ticket for stopping in the bus zone!" Startled, I obeyed, practically falling into the bucket seat because the car was so low to the ground. Alice shot forward as I fumbled to buckle my seatbelt. I think her tires actually left black smudges on the street. Edward drove like my Grandma Swan compared to Alice! I had nothing else to hold on to in the small space, so I clutched the seatbelt over my chest so hard my knuckles were white. _Where's the "oh shit" handle in this thing?_

_**Bella, get us out of here! We're too young to die!**_

"How did you know where I was?" I squeaked. I couldn't wait to get out of this tiny yellow death trap.

"I told you, Bella, I know everything." Her tone suggested that I shouldn't have bothered to ask.

"Where are we going?" I hoped it was somewhere close. Being a passenger in a Cullen's car more than once in twenty-four hours was not a smart idea.

"We're getting pedicures, and you're going to tell me all about your date with my brother." _What was that noise? Oh yes, that would be the screaming lambs._ It wasn't the pedicure that scared me; it was the conversation that went with it. What was I going to tell her? _Oh, Alice, I had the best time and I can't wait to fuck your brother's brains out. My ovaries talk to me whenever he's around; they want to bear his children._

Suddenly a car pulled out into the lane in front of us. Alice swerved to the right to avoid it, not even tapping the brake. She rolled down the window and shook her fist at the driver.

"Are you driving that piece of shit to the dump, asswipe?" she shouted, then muttered, "Motherfucker," under her breath.

I stared at her, not quite believing what I'd just witnessed. I was surprised so much rage could fit into such a tiny package.

"What?" she asked, looking slightly defensive. "He deserved it." I swallowed hard and nodded, deciding that silence was the best option. I didn't want all that pent up aggression directed at me. "Bella, you'd better get my road rage cards out of the glove compartment. I have a feeling I'll need them today."

Prying my knuckles from their death grip on the seatbelt, I retrieved the flip booklet from the glove box. I didn't even know they made these things. They even had the sayings printed backwards on one side so people could read them in a rearview mirror. My attention captured, I flipped the book open to a page that had a picture of a handgun, with _I WISH THIS WAS REAL _printed below it. My eyes widened. I flipped to another page. It read: _I'M FOLLOWING YOU._ Holy shit! She was going to get herself killed with these!

"They're great, aren't they? Edward and Emmett got me those for my birthday." She was back to her happy, bouncy self.

Edward encouraged this type of behavior? Of course he did. He drove like a maniac too, although riding with Alice was a completely different lesson in fear. I felt tears of joy prick my eyes as she swung the little Porsche into the salon parking lot. I staggered out of the car and barely fought the urge to sink to my knees and kiss the pavement.

Ten minutes later, my heartbeat had finally slowed to a normal rate and we were settling our bare feet into steaming, fragrant baths. My little toe stung a bit as I lowered it into the water. I closed my eyes and leaned back into the comfortable massaging chair, hoping that Alice would take the hint that I wanted to be silent.

"Did you and Edward have a nice time last night?" she asked excitedly. Guess she _didn't_ get the hint. "What did he think of your dress and pearls? Where did he take you? How late did you stay out? Did you get lucky? Wait! I don't want to know the answer to that if it's yes. He IS my brother."  
The massage chair began to pound a particularly firm rhythm against my back. It was actually a bit uncomfortable, but I realized I could use that to my advantage.

"C-caaan't t-t-allllk r-iiiight no-oo-w Alllicce. Maa-saaa-ge..."

She sighed loudly and then reached over to grab the massage remote sitting on the arm of my chair. One click of the power button later, my excuse was gone. Feeling put out, I thought about how to answer the entire conversation's worth of questions that she'd thrown at me in five seconds.

"Hmmm... Yes. He approved. A Greek restaurant. The moon garden on his roof. One o'clock. No," I answered in monotone. I tried to grab the remote out of her hand, but the little pixie was too fast for me.

"Come on, Bella!" she wheedled. "I really want to know how it went. I know we don't know each other that well, but I'd like to be your friend. I'd want to even if you and Edward didn't get along. And friends tell each other things like this."

Well, shit. Now I felt guilty. It was probably her plan all along. Alice was completely different from any of my other friends. I already felt more comfortable talking to her than almost anyone, except for Angela. It also didn't hurt that she was Edward's sister, and therefore would be a great source of information about him. I wasn't above stalking-by-sister.

"Boy, you're pretty good with that whole guilt trip thing," I said.

"I have to be. I have two brothers. How else can I get them to do what I want?" she asked, looking totally innocent. I'd have to watch out for this one. Maybe I'd even learn a few things and keep people from walking all over me. "I don't have that many girl friends. A lot of people find me... intimidating or something. Can you believe that? I just know that we'll be great friends, so why waste all this time arguing with me? I want details." She paused for a moment. "Censored details," she amended.

"I don't know why, but I think you're pretty cool too, Alice," I teased. I've always wanted a short little sidekick."

"Hey!" She scowled at me and punched the button on the massage remote, turning it up as high as it would go. It literally felt like someone was punching me in the back.

"OW! My kidneys! I need those!" I stuttered. It was damn hard to speak while I was being pummeled with the massager.

"Bella, please. You'd be MY sidekick."

"Okay, okay! Just turn it off!" I sounded like I was half goat. She raised one eyebrow at me and wiggled the remote in the air, warning me that she could and would turn it on again if she needed to.

The nail techs came to drain our footbaths and get started on our feet. I mentioned my injured toe to the tech to avoid any further injury. I picked out a shiny metallic navy polish to match the bruised nail, and everyone had a good laugh at my expense.

Alice had a bottle of wine brought for us to enjoy together. I began to relax and open up about last night's date. We shared an evil smile when I told her about Edward's reaction to the string of pearls, and she almost spit out her wine when I mentioned my "hot meat sandwich" slip. Talking to Alice about my date with her brother wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. It was just as easy to talk to Alice as it was to talk to Edward, almost like there was a connection there before we met. I wondered if making people feel at ease was a Cullen gift.

"So tell me some embarrassing Edward stories. I want to know the details of the pink fingernail incident."

"He told you about that?" She sounded surprised. In fact, she also looked uncomfortable.

"Yeah, but he wouldn't tell me how he ended up in jail, just that he passed out early and Emmett painted his nails with your polish."

"Well..." she cleared her throat and continued, "It was the Fourth of July of my freshman year. Edward was a junior and Emmett was a senior. We had a party and they'd been drinking all day. Edward passed out around ten. Emmett and I thought it would be fun to give him a makeover, since Emmett said he couldn't hang with the 'real men.' We only got as far as painting his nails before he woke up."

"And? What happened?" I had to know.

"And nothing. He had to spend the night in jail," she hedged. "That's it. If he wants to tell you, he will." Her tone was firm.

I wanted to press for more, but it was obvious that she wasn't going to give it to me. I'd find out eventually. It had to be something really embarrassing, like indecent exposure, even though there's no way that anything involving a naked Edward would be considered a crime in my book.

When our pedicures were over and the polish was dry, we walked back out to Alice's car in those flimsy flip-flops that they hand out to keep you from messing up the polish. As soon as I caught sight of her yellow Porsche, I remembered that I'd actually have to get in that car with her again. I'd never had a panic attack before, but I was pretty sure it would happen if I had to get back in the car with Alice.

"Let me drive," I demanded.

"You know how to drive a stick?" she asked skeptically.

"Yeah, my old truck was a stick." How much different could it be? I decided not to mention that my truck was also from the fifties.

"Okay, since you were such a good sport about today. Just this once." She still looked unsure, but I didn't give a shit. My nerves couldn't handle another trip with a Cullen behind the wheel today. She tossed me the keys and I slid into the driver's seat. I tried to, anyway. I had to move the seat back before I could fit my legs inside.

I stuck the keys in the ignition and the engine started with a rumble that was actually quite pleasing. It had been a while since I had been behind the wheel. I backed out of the parking space and pulled into traffic, enjoying the handling of the little sports car.

"Come on, Bella, stop driving like a granny," Alice complained. "It's a waste of an excellent piece of machinery. It's an insult to my baby to drive her like this."

We had stopped at the light on the highway entrance ramp. I figured it was safe to appease her, since we were getting on the freeway. The light turned green, and I floored the accelerator. I looked in the rearview mirror for a second and I realized that I'd left the other cars in my dust. This car was amazing!

"Holy shit, Alice! No wonder you drive like a crazy person! This car is the devil!" I grinned at her, thoroughly enjoying the ride this time. "Why is everyone else going so slowly?"

Alice laughed and looked over at the speedometer. "Because you're going about 105 miles per hour."

FUCK!

I didn't want to slow down. This was too much fun. But since I was the daughter of a police chief, I knew that if I got pulled over for speeding this excessively, I'd be thrown in jail. I slowed it down to about seventy-five, figuring that the ten MPH rule wouldn't get me in too much trouble. It felt like we were crawling.

I was sad when I parked near my apartment building, and not just because I had to stop driving.

"Alice, I have to tell you, thanks for stalking me today. I had a great time," I joked.

"You're welcome. And it wasn't stalking. It was just coincidence," she said innocently.

"A few of my friends are meeting me at the restaurant after graduation on Saturday. Would you and Jasper like to come? Edward will be there."

"We'd love to, Bella! What time?"

"We're planning on ten-thirty. We'll be able to stay after closing time, so it won't be very crowded."

"Wonderful. I'm really looking forward to it!"

We hugged goodbye and I rode the elevator up to my apartment. I could hear bass thumping as I exited on my floor. Usually that kind of stuff annoyed me, but I was too happy today to let it bother me. I walked down the hallway, thinking about my day with Alice, which led to thinking about my date with Edward.

_What's that smell? _ _Was that...? _I sniffed again, more deeply this time. _Yep, that was definitely weed. I guess it's always 420 somewhere. Heh._

The music got louder as I got closer to my door. So did the smell of ganja. _Surely it wasn't coming from my apartment? _I paused in front of my door. It was definitely coming from my apartment. _What the fuck?_

_I'm in the mood... are you ready?_

_I'm in the mood, come on now yeah, come on_

_Load up the bong, crank up the song_

_Let the informer call 911_

_Load up the bong, crank up the song _

_Let the informer call 911!_

Who in the hell was in my apartment? I weighed my options. I could call the cops and report a stranger smoking pot and listening to music in my apartment. Somehow I didn't think they'd quite believe me and I'd end up in some kind of trouble with the law. Since I didn't think that a criminal would suddenly take up residence in my apartment and have a baking party, I figured it was safe to open the door.

There was no mistaking what-- or should I say _who_ --had planted their stoned ass on my couch. He was in the middle of a pretty impressive bong rip too. The chamber was completely opaque with smoke. I rushed in and shut the door quickly to avoid letting any more smoke out into the hall. I walked over to the stereo and hit the pause button. He waved at me, holding up one finger and pointing back and forth from his mouth to the bong.

Jerking a few times, he tried valiantly to keep it in his lungs. Eventually the smoke won, resulting in a coughing fit of epic proportions. I busied myself with opening a couple of windows to let out the smoke, and then retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge. I went to the couch and sat down, handing him the bottle of water.

I was seriously trying not to explode. Why the hell was he in my apartment getting fucking ripped? Wasn't he supposed to be back in Forks?

"Thanks, Bells," he said when he could speak again. "That's some fuckin' iron lung shit. Want a bong rip?"

"What the hell are you doing here, Jake?"

/////////////////////////////

**A/N: You guys didn't really think I'd let E and B get it on on the first date, did you? They have to wait until at least the second date just like I did with the hubs. LOL.**

**So here are a few tidbits: the Edward getting arrested stories inspired by true events. The fence thing happened with my husband's best friend and our RA at college. The RA got fired. The pink fingernail incident really happened to my brother-in-law. I know it's mean, but how were we supposed to know he'd get arrested that night? Road rage cards are real. I have them, and they're wonderful!! **

**And one final juicy detail: I didn't make that shit up about Bella's obsession with eggs as a toddler. That was all me. I was a strange little child.**

**So let me know what you guys are thinking, and REVIEW. Even if it's just to tell me it sucks and my shit's not funny. Any attention is good attention! :D**


	6. Chapter 6 The Money Shot

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Twilight.**_** I just turned Tanya into a slutty cat and gave Jake a bong.**

**Thanks to KnittingVamp7 for her magic with the red pen! Big thanks to those of you who review. Golden Ovaries to every one of you!**

**Chapter 6 – The Money Shot**

"That's harsh, Bells. I was expecting a nicer welcome," Jake said, puffing out his lower lip.

"Don't try that shit with me, Jake. You know it doesn't work."

I couldn't believe he'd just waltzed into my apartment without an invitation and made himself at home. I stared at all the trash littering the coffee table. He must have been here, eating MY food, for most of the afternoon. An empty bag of Bugles lay crumpled next to a box of saltine crackers that was tipped over on its side. _Who eats an entire box of saltines in one sitting?_ The remains of just about all the food that had been in my apartment were strewn around him. There were crushed Cheez-Its on the floor underneath his feet. The box lay next to him on the couch cushion. _Oh, bitch did NOT eat all my Cheez-Its…_ I grabbed the box and shook it.

Bitch did. He's dead. I could feel my ears start to burn. I pictured myself as one of those cartoon people with steam shooting out of my ears. I could feel heat flooding my cheeks and tears of anger beginning to prick my eyes. I don't know why, but I cry when I'm angry. I can break my leg in three different places at once and not shed a tear, but piss me off and here come the waterworks. It's just another embarrassing Bella trait.

"Geez, Bells. I wouldn't have come up to visit you if I'd known you turned into such a bitch. Dude!" he scoffed. He picked up the remote and switched on the TV. "_The Dog Whisperer_'s on! Sweet! I love this guy." I just stared at him, crossing my arms over my chest. I didn't trust myself to speak yet without yelling incoherently. I concentrated on taking deep breaths.

_Maybe I could make a call to Cesar. I bet he could get Jake to behave. He acts like a dog half the time anyway._

Jake was three years younger than me and the son of Charlie's best friend. He'd been my friend in that annoying little brother sort of way when I lived in Forks, but I hadn't been very good about keeping in touch with him since I'd moved to Seattle. We kept in contact mostly through Charlie. I had no idea he'd turned into such a pothead.

"Well, Jake, if you're through talking to Samson, you wanna tell me how the hell you got in here? And you brought a _bong_ with you? Wouldn't it have been easier to bring something smaller?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"I picked the lock," he said in a matter of fact tone, like we were just discussing the weather. "And I never go anywhere without Optimus Prime," he added, patting the big red monster sitting on the coffee table next to all the food wrappers. "You got anything else to eat?" He pointed to the bag that held my cap and gown. "What's in that sack?"

"And you're here WHY?" I was yelling now. I couldn't help it; I just didn't have the patience to deal with his slow moving brain at the moment. "No, I don't have any more food, because you ATE IT ALL!"

"Damn, Bells. Chill. I'm here to see you graduate," he said, giving me a sickeningly sweet smile.

"Graduation is Saturday. _In three days_. And you were supposed to come up with Charlie."

"Nah, man, I couldn't wait for Charlie. La Push was boring my ass off. I had some time off at the kennel so I thought I'd come up early and visit my favorite hot chick."

_Eww._

_**Bella, we're staying away from him. Potheads have low sperm counts.**_

_No argument from me there. _

"What kennel? I thought Charlie said you were working at the garage?"

"Dude, I quit that stupid garage job. They wanted me to take a piss test. I got a kick-ass job at this ritzy dog hotel. I'm the kennel manager. It's sweet. I just get baked and hang out with the dogs. No piss test either," he said with a wink. I rolled my eyes. "No piss test" was not on my list of essential requirements when looking for a job.

Jake got up and went into the kitchen, looking for more food. I stared at the TV, still trying to figure out how to keep from killing him, when he came back in and plopped down next to me with an old can of almonds. I knew those had been here when I moved in, but I decided not to warn him. It gave me a kind of sick satisfaction to think about how he might pay for eating those later.

"So what are we doing tonight, Bells?" He plunked his giant feet up on my coffee table, kicking trash out of the way. "I'm on va-cay, and you need to show me around this fair city of yours." He popped a handful of almonds into his mouth. I hoped his cotton mouth made him choke on them.

"I have to work tonight, Jake. Something you would have known if you'd _called me before you just showed up at my house!_"

"Come on, Bells, call in sick," he mumbled through the mouthful of nuts. He sure was chewing them for a long time. As I watched, his face started to scrunch up like he was eating a mouthful of aspirin. I smirked.

"I'm not going to call in, Jake. You're on your own for tonight." He looked like he was going to argue with me, but all of a sudden a look of terror crossed his face. He spit the almonds out all over the coffee table and ran for the bathroom.

"Bitter almonds! Shit! Cyanide!! Fuck! I'm gonna die!" he cried.

What the hell was he freaking out about? I heard him gargling and rinsing over and over in the bathroom. I got up and followed him.

"What's the matter, Jake? They're just almonds," I said incredulously. "Was that pot laced with something?"

"Bells, you gotta tell my dad I love him," he half-sobbed. "And don't tell him or Charlie about the weed! Tell them I had a seizure or something." His black eyes were wild with terror and his long black hair was falling out of the leather tie he used to hold it back. Drops of water and pieces of chewed almonds stuck to his chin.

"Jake, you're not dying!" I grabbed his elbows and tried to shake some sense into him. It was like trying to shake a giant tree trunk. The guy was huge.

"Shit, Bells, you gotta listen to me! Cyanide is made from bitter almonds! I just ate bitter almonds! I'm gonna die!"

I couldn't control the laugh that bubbled out of me. _He thought he was eating cyanide because the almonds were bitter?_ I had to step back and lean against the wall, because once I started laughing, I couldn't stop.

"What the hell, Bella? I'm dying over here and you're cackling like a hyena!"

"Jake, you're not _dying_; cyanide only _smells_ like bitter almonds! It's not made from them. You'd be foaming at the mouth and dead by now if it was cyanide anyway," I wheezed. I wiped tears from my eyes, looked up at his face, and began laughing all over again.

"Really? I'm not gonna die?" He looked so hopeful.

"No, you're not going to die," I said. "Those almonds are so old… they were here when I moved in." I led him back to the couch to sit down. I gave him an awkward pat on the back. "Sorry I didn't tell you, but I was pissed," I mumbled as an afterthought. I wasn't really sorry; he deserved it for barging into my place and eating all my food like he did.

"Gee, thanks, Bells," he said sarcastically. "Now my weed is wearing off!"

"I can't believe you smoked yourself so stupid that you thought you poisoned yourself with cyanide!" I started giggling again. It was just too funny. He scowled at me and gave me the finger before crossing his arms over his chest and turning his attention to the TV. "I have to go get dressed for work. Make yourself at home. Oh, wait, you've already done that," I added with snark before I walked to my bedroom and slammed the door.

Jake was still in a television trance when I finished getting ready for work.

"I'm going now. I'll be home around midnight. Behave yourself. And no more weed in the apartment. Take a walk if you need to get high," I added.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, Bells. I'll be good. I'll even clean up the mess while you're gone." _Why is he being nice?_ I didn't get it.

"Good. When I get home, we're going to talk about living arrangements. Because I'm going to kill you if you're staying here the whole time," I was only half-joking.

"Dude, is that any way to talk about your BFF from back home?"

"Ha! Jake, the only reason we hung out is because our dads made us," I said, smiling. It was an old joke between us.

"Ouch, Bells. That's not true. I hung out with you because you have nice tits."

_Asshole. That was NOT part of the old joke._

_**Maybe Charlie can cover it up if we kill him, Bella.**_

_There's an idea._

"Fuck you, Jake. You're such a douche bag."

"Love you too, Bells! Hey, can you do me a favor?"

"What?" I sighed.

"Can you bring me back a doggie bag?"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

I had a fairly uneventful night at work. By uneventful, I mean I managed to make it through my shift with no major slip-ups or injuries. I did accidentally squirt lime juice in my eye while making a drink, because I was distracted with thoughts of Edward. We had a busy night, so I ended up with a decent amount in tips. The extra money would come in handy since it looked like Jake would be eating me out of house and home. An extra trip to the grocery store was not usually penciled in to my budget. I had just finished wiping down the bar when Angela came and took a seat in front of me.

"Are you ready to tell me how your date with 'Sex Hair' went?" I just grinned dumbly at her and began to fix us both a Skinny Captain. I didn't tell about the one I'd already finished right after we'd closed. This was a conversation I was not having without a little liquid courage.

"Must have gone well, by the looks of it," she said. I raised my glass to clink it with hers; we both took a large swallow.

"'Well' is not a strong enough word to describe it, Angela. It was… magical. Have you ever been in a moon garden? A freaking moon garden!" I knew I was gushing, so I took another big drink to occupy my mouth.

"Wait, back up. I need more information here. What else did you do?"

"We kissed before we even left my apartment." It was out of my mouth before I realized I'd said it. As usual, my filter was running on a five-second delay behind my mouth. I looked down at my drink. The Captain wasn't helping that situation, but I was already committed. _Oh well_. I swallowed the rest of it. My tongue was already loose, so more liquor couldn't make things any worse. I began to make two more drinks because I wanted another, and if I was going to have another one, then she was too.

"What? And you still left?" Her eyes were wide. "I applaud your self control," she said with a saucy grin.

"We were in my kitchen, because I was putting away these beautiful flowers he brought me. All of a sudden, he was right behind me, and my brain stopped working! It's like I'm ruled by my hormones. He complimented me on my necklace and I could feel his breath on my neck, and he smelled so good..." God, it was hot in here. I fanned my chest and neck with a stray drink menu.

Angela swallowed hard and downed the rest of her drink, exchanging the empty glass for the full one I placed in front of her.

"So then he says, 'I just want to get something out of the way first.' Then he kissed me." God, I was thirsty. There was only one way to remedy that. _Down_ _the hatch!_

"Ben never does anything like that," she said wistfully. "Can I borrow 'Sex Hair' for a little bit?" I raised one eyebrow at her.

"Hands off. He's mine."

"Don't worry, I was kidding. I wouldn't want to waste a precious spot on my 'List' anyway."

"Your 'List?'" I asked.

"You know, the list of people that the main squeeze can't get mad at you for sleeping with," she answered, looking at me like I was stupid for asking.

"Oh," I said thoughtfully. I thought of my last boyfriend, the hairy poet. I'd met him in one of my creative writing courses and he'd suckered me into a few weeks of dating by writing me bad poetry. I'd been desperate for male attention. What the hell had I been thinking? Let's just say I now know that one of my major relationship deal breakers is being asked to shave my significant other's back. Ugh. He'd looked like a bear with a bad case of radiation poisoning: clumps of hair with bald patches all over the place. I shuddered at the memory. If I'd known about this "List" thing, mine would have been a mile long --as in every other male on the planet-- after seeing that naked back. I raised my nearly empty glass to my lips, draining the glass. My belly was warm and my feet were heavy; having that third drink was probably not my greatest idea ever.

"What are you thinking about, Bella? You look like you just walked in on Charlie cavorting naked with a male prostitute and a Shetland pony."

I couldn't control the gasp that that statement brought forth. While I succeeded in not choking on the drink, I did manage to squirt rum and Coke out of my nose before swallowing.

_Holy fuck, that burns like the devil!_ I swiped my face with the back of my arm.

"Dammit, Angela! Don't ever say anything like that again! How would you like it if I started talking about that time you caught your parents booking tickets to that Furries and Plushies convention? Huh? 'Cause I can send you info on what they do at those things. You won't sleep without nightmares for weeks! You'll never be able to look at the Easter Bunny or a sports team mascot ever again without thinking of your parents doing it--"

"STOP!" she screeched, slapping her hands over her ears. "Oh, Lord, please strike me deaf!"

Satisfied that I'd made my point, I began cleaning my mess off of the bar. Mike walked up with the doggie bag I'd requested for Jake. I hoped some of it had been dropped on the floor. Not that Jake would care; I'd seen him eat food out of the trash can before, _a la_ George Castanza.I grabbed a martini glass and began fixing his usual after work drink while he plopped his skinny ass down next to Angela.

"So who's the sack of meat for, Bella? Are you steppin' out on me?" he pouted. It was not a good look for him; he looked like a child with a bad case of diarrhea.

"Shut it, Mike, or you're not getting your appletini." _What kind of guy drinks appletinis every day after work? _

_**One that's not worthy of being within five feet of our magnificence.**_

_Don't worry girls, I'd sooner commit _Hari Kari_ than let him touch us._

"You really need to grow a pair and try a real drink," I said. I knew I was being bitchier than normal, but The Captain made me mouthy. That third drink had pushed me over the threshold between feeling great to recklessly buzzed, otherwise known as "plain old drunk" to any sober observers.

"If I do, will you go on a date with me?" he asked, leering at me disgustingly.

"No, but I might respect you more." That was a total lie.

"Witch," he muttered. He made a big show of craning his neck around to look all around him.

"What the heck are you looking for, Mike?" Angela asked.

"The freaking flying monkeys that belong to the wicked witch over here," he snapped, pointing at me.

"Wow, Mike. Really original. Are you going to throw some water on me?" I asked, laughing at my own joke. _I am so damn funny sometimes_. By "sometimes," I mean when I'm drunk.

"I'm melting, melting!" Angela laughed.

"Damn, you're such a bitch tonight. You need to get laid. Luckily for you, I'm available." He downed the rest of his pussy drink, and then tried to look manly by slamming the empty glass down on the bar.

I rolled my eyes. "Never going to happen, douche."

Devil Bella tapped me on the shoulder. I think I saw her point to the bottle of Bailey's behind the bar. I grabbed it. The beginnings of something evil were rattling around in my alcohol soaked brain. _Thanks, Devil Bella._

"Are you going to make me a White Russian, baby?"

Ugh.

_**Bella, we are not going to let someone who should be sterilized for the good of the human race call us "baby."**_

_You're getting no argument from me there, girls. Just watch me work my magic._

"No White Russians. Those are made with vodka, dumbass. While they're slightly less girly than an appletinis, White Russians still tell the chicks that you're playing for Team Unicorn. I'm going to make you a manly drink, and you're going to take it like a man," I said.

"Make me one, Bella. I need to prove that I have bigger balls than Mike." This came from Angela, who never could hold her liquor. She was swaying slightly on her barstool. Mike flipped her off. _Ooh, nice gesture for your boss, Mike. _Maybe I'd get lucky and she'd fire him.

"I'm sorry, Ang, but I need to cut you off," I said, leaning toward her and pointing at her nose; I was a bit unsteady myself. I looked in her eyes, trying to convey my plan without words. I shook my head slightly and winked. She seemed to understand my silent message, because she didn't press me on getting the new drink. Mike was oblivious to the whole exchange.

I chanced a peek at Devil Bella; she and The Captain were making out on my shoulder. Angel Bella was watching, and she looked like she wouldn't mind joining in.

_Wait, what? They were drunk too?? I guess I'm on my own._

I reached into the mini-fridge for the sliced limes and set them on the workspace. I poured a generous amount of Bailey's into the short, fat glasses we used for shots. I had to be convincing about this to get Mike to fall for it.

"Alright, Mikey," I said loudly. I got strange looks from the busboys that were still cleaning up. "This is Bailey's. It's Irish cream. It's strong, but it's gonna go down smooth." I plopped the glass down in front of him, a bit of the creamy liquid sloshing over the rim. I grabbed a lime wedge and shoved it into his hand. "You're going to take this shot—all of it—and hold it in your mouth while you suck the juice from the lime wedge. Don't swallow the Bailey's until you get the lime juice. That's what makes it manly," I said with a confident nod of my head.

Angela was staring at me with a look of rapt admiration. She was covering her mouth with her hand to keep from smiling. I had no idea how I was keeping a straight face myself. I checked on Devil Bella again; she, The Captain, and Angel Bella were all holding hands and watching Mike with evil grins on their faces.

"I'll do it if you hold the lime in your mouth, baby," Mike said with a shit-eating grin.

"Not if you were the last man on earth. Now quit being a pussy and drink it." I crossed my arms over my chest and waited. The sides of my mouth began to twitch with the need to laugh, but I fought it the best I could. Unbeknownst to him, Mike had drawn an audience, all of whom were watching raptly with huge grins on their faces. I couldn't look at them; I would ruin it all by laughing if I did.

"T-T-T-Today, Junior!" Angela yelled. I almost lost it right then.

"Alright, I'm about to show you all who has the biggest balls," Mike said loudly, beating his fist against his chest. He picked up the tumbler and emptied the Bailey's into his mouth, and then shoved the lime wedge in, sucking it dry. He looked like a demented clown with green teeth, the citrus wedge stretching his mouth into an ugly grimace. He pulled the peel out of his mouth and threw it onto the bar, raising his hands into that Nixon-esque, peace sign flashing, "I-am-not-a-crook" gesture . All of a sudden, the grin faded from his mouth and his eyes almost bugged out of his head. He turned a sickly shade of green and covered his mouth, looking for a place to gag. There were no trash cans to be had, and I was blocking the pass-through to the bar.

I stood there watching him with my most evil grin pasted on my lips, while Angela and the busboys were doubled over with laughter. Realizing he had nowhere to spit out his mouthful, his eyes teared up. He swallowed the load with a giant gulp, gagging immediately afterwards. I think his soul actually left his body for a few seconds. Thankfully, his soul returned and nothing made a second appearance. I finally let the laughter go.

"What the FUCK was that shit, Bella? Do people really drink that?" Tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes, and he was still trying not to gag. Shit, I was crying too. I was laughing so hard I could barely catch my breath. "It was like… a big mouthful of alcoholic cottage cheese in my mouth!" he cried. He grabbed a few cocktail napkins and started scrubbing his tongue roughly.

"Um, it's called a 'Cement Mixer,' Mike," I said when I stopped laughing. "It was invented by construction workers. You know, really manly guys," I added, immediately dissolving into more giggles and causing the rest of the room to crack up again.

"Seriously? It's the grossest thing I've ever put in my mouth, but I guess I can stomach one every once in a while if it will get me the chicks." He still looked sick at the prospect.

"You know what else it's called?" Angela asked. Mike shook his head. "a 'Cum Shot,'" she snickered.

"What the hell?" Mike yelled.

The Captain and Devil Bella were taking turns poking me with the pitchfork, encouraging me to go one step further. I slowly backed away from the bar, trying to surreptitiously inch as far away from Mike as I could. I knew he would be pissed.

"You took that shot like a pro, Mike. You'd definitely fit in with Team Unicorn," I said. "Good enough for the Hall of Fame! Way to take a load like a man. That will really impress the chicks."

"You're fucking evil, Bella. A goddamn harpy." He stalked off towards the kitchen, no doubt making his escape through the back door.

"I guess he's going to go polish his magic unicorn horn," I said. "I'm out of here, guys. I have a bag of meat to get to an uninvited house guest.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A/N: True confessions time!! Yay!

Cyanide and almonds thing: really happened. To me. I was terrified at the time.

When I was a sophomore in college, we had a big red bong named Optimus Prime.

Ok, Pimping time, cause these fics are good.

**Someone to Watch Over Me** by KnittingVamp7. She's got a hot bodyguard Edward (and Jasper!!) and a kickass Bella. Edward curses. A lot. Yum. And she's my beta, so she rules. On Twilighted and FF(dot)net

**The Thing About Being Everything** by PianoAddict246. Show her some love. It's a really sweet fic. B and E meet as kids, but Edward moves away. Edward moves back when they're in high school and Bella starts to wonder if things might not be better with Edward around. FF(dot)net

(And if you couldn't tell by the summary for my fic, I suck at them. I hope I did my pimped-out fics justice-- apologies to the authors ahead of time!)

Wasn't that fun? Yes? Now REVIEW! Please? I'll give you cookies...


	7. Chapter 7 Graduation Presents

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own them. I do own a new iPhone, though. Aren't you jealous? That means I can go blind reading fanfic in tiny print anywhere!**

**Some thanks: As always, KnittingVamp7 for her fantabulous editing skillz. sprinter1 for reviewing like every chapter and bringing the refreshments to the Edward Anonymous meetings. You're bringing Rob to the next one, right bb? Right?? stavanger1 for starting the brand-spanking new and shiny thread for WIP on the twilighted boards. Link after the goods!!**

**Thanks to all those that have this story on alert or in their favorites. It makes my girls happy. **

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Chapter 7 – Graduation Presents**

Angela called Ben to come and pick us up from the restaurant since we were slightly inebriated and we didn't think it would be wise to ride the bus home. Okay, I was full-on blotto, but who was keeping score anyway? As Ben drove us out of the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of Mike puking his guts out next to his tired old hoopty-mobile. The guy actually drove an orange El Camino with matching velvet curtain things in the back window. All he needed to complete the pimp image was a purple fedora, a floor length mink coat, and a walking stick that had a knife in the tip. Mike was definitely trying to rock the "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" image. It seemed like he didn't realize that the Offspring were making fun of the object of the song.

Angela and Ben were talking quietly in the front seat, and I sat in the back of the SUV watching the lights fly by the window. This was much better than taking the bus home. Ben's truck didn't smell like old lady and stale urine; it smelled like the tree-shaped vanilla air freshener that was hanging from the rearview mirror. I hated those tree things; they gave me the creeps. Every time I saw one it made me think of _Seven_ and the "sloth" murder. All those air fresheners hanging from the ceiling and that scary-ass dude that only _looked_ dead…

I saw the lit up skyline of Seattle and was reminded of the view from Edward's moon garden. I sighed. I'd missed him today. He hadn't called. I hadn't called him either, but it's not the girl's responsibility, is it?

_**Beeelllaaa…**_

_Oh, no. Don't start talking now, not when the Captain has plundered my defenses!_

_**Yoo-hoo, Beeellllaaaaa…**_

_No. Not listening. LALALALALALALALALA!_

_**Call Sex Hair. We NEED him. We want to love him long time.**_

I closed my eyes and dropped my head against the headrest, singing songs in my head to drown out the noise from below.

_I like big butts and I cannot lie, you otha brothas can't deny…_

Great song choice, Bella, way to stick with the classics.

I must have dozed off to the lyrical genius that was Sir Mix-A-Lot, because Ben pulled up to my apartment building in what seemed like moments later.

"Bella, we're here," Angela said, gently shaking my shoulder. "Do you need me to walk you up?"

"Nah, I'm good. Jus' need to get my 'rather nice behind' to sleepy time." _Wow. Did I actually say that out loud?_

"'Rather nice behind?' Thanks for the description," Ben teased. Angela slapped him on the shoulder.

"Edward said it was!" I said, too loudly for the car. I immediately covered my mouth while Angela and Ben covered their ears.

"T.M.I., Bella. T.M.I."

"Shut up, Ben! She didn't tell me that part," Angela said in a loud whisper. I was pretty sure that I was blushing; the good news was that the alcohol flush was probably hiding it.

"Well, guys, thanks for the ride—I'll see you tomorrow, Ang!" I said quickly, grabbing the door handle and shoving it open. I lurched over to exit the car, but I was having trouble. I couldn't seem to lift my butt out of the seat. I looked down and realized that I hadn't unbuckled the seat belt. I quickly released the catch, grabbed Jake's food, and got out of the car. Angela rolled down her window.

"Are you sure you don't need me to go with you? Ben can drive around the block while I walk you up."

"I'm fine, Angela. I think I can manage to get inside my own house without a major cata- catastr-" --_what the HELL was that damn word_—"accident." She just stared at me with wide eyes, looking like Nancy Pelosi right after a date with the Botox fairy. "Night, Ang. Thanks again!" I said.

"Bye, Bells."

I did make it up to my apartment without incident. Well, I dropped the doggie bag a couple of times and I tripped over the lip of the elevator, but I was none the worse for wear by the time I stood in front of my door. So far, it was silent from this side. I unlocked the door and peeked in. The living room was dark except for the blue glow of the television. Jake was sprawled on the couch, his large feet hanging off the side. Lying flat on his back, he was snoring louder than a fat guy with sleep apnea. It was so loud I couldn't believe that I hadn't heard it from the hallway.

At least I wouldn't have to talk to him.

I tossed the food in the refrigerator and then got ready for bed. I flopped on to the bed in my comfy t-shirt and boxer shorts. I lay there, listening to the even rhythm of Jake's seismic-scale worthy snores. My body was ready for sleep, but my mind was busy thinking about one thing: Edward. My phone seemed to glow under the light of the lamp. _Maybe a text wouldn't hurt?_ It seemed to be becoming a theme with me. If he was asleep, it wouldn't wake him. Decision made, I grabbed the phone, only dropping it on the bed once before I had the text application open.

**E- **

_Thinking of u. Sweet dreams. Kthxbai. _

**-B**

_Kthxbai?!?_ What the hell am I, a LOLcat? I guess it didn't matter; it was already sent anyway. I sighed and threw my arm over my eyes. I still felt a little drunk, but at least the room wasn't spinning. Hopefully I'd just have a small headache tomorrow. I was reaching over to turn off the lamp when the phone buzzed next to my head on the pillow.

**B ****– **

_O__ hai. Ur awake?_

**-E**

_Edward speaks LOLcat? Dear God, I am in love with this man._ Grinning, I typed my reply.

**E –**

_No. I sleep text._

–**B**

**B – **

_U might need 2 see a Dr about that. I know a good 1._

– **E**

**E – **

_So do I. He has sexy hair._

–**B**

A few minutes passed, with no response from Edward. Had he fallen asleep? Did he not like my response? _Was he with some other girl?_

_**If he is, we'll snatch that bitch bald!**_

Whoa. Apparently the girls were very hostile when they felt that their territory was being encroached on.

I knew I had to stop that thinking possessive thoughts immediately, lest the girls convince me to follow the path of that crazy Alex chick from _Fatal Attraction_. Not that I would boil pet bunnies or anything. Before I could get any deeper into that moral debate, my phone buzzed again. He'd sent me a media message.

He'd sent me a picture. I swallowed hard. It was a picture of the top half of his face, showcasing that wonderfully messed up bed head and those piercing green eyes. Just looking at that picture caused heat to bloom in my belly; it was like he was right in front of me, staring into my eyes. I was pretty sure I needed a change of underwear. Just because I was curious, I held the phone down lower, near my crotch. I knew it was pervy, but I just couldn't resist seeing what that head might look like between my thighs. It was a wonderful sight.

_Gah. I could die happy now._

_**No, we will not die happy until we see the real thing down here! Now send him a picture of your boobs!**_

No way. That kind of stupidity required _at least_ two more drinks than I'd consumed tonight. I brought the phone closer to my face and continued staring. My thumb pressed the call button before I even knew I'd decided to call him. _Uh-oh._ Drunk dial in progress.

"Hi, Bella." Oh, I'd missed that voice.

"Hey. Nice picture."

"Glad you liked it. It took me a few tries to get it just right." Was it possible to _hear_ someone smirking?

"Oh. I thought you just didn't really know how to work your camera phone."

"You're right, Bella. I have no idea how I made it through medical school."

"Because you dazzled all your teachers." It wasn't a question. I'd give him an A just for the privilege of looking at him sitting in class every week. The rich sound of his laugh filled my ear. It reminded me of sitting in a patch of sunlight on warm grass, of huddling in an electric blanket on a cold night. It reminded me of home.

"If by 'dazzled,' you mean 'slept with,' you'd be right. All my teachers were really hot," he deadpanned. I barked out a laugh and then covered my mouth so I wouldn't wake the freight train in the living room. I didn't really care if I woke him up, but if he was awake, then I'd have to talk with him.

_Wait- he WAS joking, wasn't he?_

"So what are you doing up? Did you just get off work?" he asked.

"Yeah, I just got home about an hour ago. I'm ready for bed, but I couldn't sleep. I actually wasn't expecting you to be up… but I wanted you to know I was thinking about you." I was embarrassed admitting the last part, but it was the complete truth. I hadn't stopped thinking about him since we'd met.

_**Ask him what he's wearing. We wanna play phone sex operator!**_

_Oh, Lord, have mercy. So did I. "Hey, baby. Thanks for calling 1-900-Hot-Babes. Bella the sex-goddess speaking…"_

Between Edward and the girls, it was a wonder that I had any functioning brain cells left.

"Um, Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"You WERE joking, right?"

"About what?" _Jerk. He knew what._

"Er… sleeping with your teachers…" I mumbled, embarrassed.

"Is someone jealous?" he teased.

"No, I'm just concerned for your patients." Oh, I was so innocent. Bambi had nothing on me.

"I promise you, I worked very hard to get through med school," he laughed. "Hey," I said, "That's not really an answer…" It was hard to sound chiding when you were trying not to laugh. "I just bet you worked _hard."_

"I graduated at the top of my class, I'll have you know."

"Because of your brain or your bedroom skills?"

"Definitely because of my brain. As for my bedroom skills… wouldn't you like to know?" he asked in a husky voice.

_**YES!! YES!! WE WANNA KNOW NOW!!**__ When the girls were right, they were right._

"And if I said yes…?" Two could play at this game.

"Then I'd say that I'd love to show you sometime."

I was a goner.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Saturday morning dawned like most others in Seattle. Wet. Gray. Soupy. Poodle- hair inducing. This Saturday was different, though. After tonight, I was no longer Bella Swan, Graduate Student; I would be Bella Swan, Responsible Adult. I didn't know whether to be elated or terrified.

Charlie was coming in today. He was beyond excited to see his only child graduate. Of course, he'd been excited to see me graduate with my undergraduate degree, when I'd become the first in our family to graduate from college. Now, he was just excited that I hadn't decided to become a professional student and live off of Pell Grants and student loans that he'd end up paying for indefinitely.

Now that I thought about it, that idea had merit…

I dragged myself out of bed and walked to the kitchen to mindlessly search for something to eat. I was starving. I opened the fridge and bent down to check out the contents.

It was a wasteland in there… absolutely nothing but a pitcher of water and an ancient jar of Miracle Whip! I shut the door and closed my eyes, shaking my head for good measure, before opening it again. Still nothing! I seriously thought I'd see fog start rolling out of it… then maybe a big ugly demon dog with red eyes would jump out of it and growl, "GOZER."

Heh. If I wasn't so pissed that all my food was gone, I'd laugh at myself.

_I am the Gatekeeper…___I thought to myself, giving in to the urge to giggle.

_**And Edward's the KeyMaster,**_ the girls said in a sing-song voice.

Maybe we could get together and bring about the Destructor. I'd like to see Jake get eaten by the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Jake. I wanted breakfast. I was going to make that bitch go and get it for me. It was the least he could do after mooching off me for the last three days. There was no way he was coming back here after the ceremony tonight. Let Charlie deal with his stoner ass.

I filled a glass with ice cold water from the pitcher. Strolling into the living room, I stood over the giant lump currently inhabiting my couch. He was still wearing the same damn tie-dyed t-shirt he had on when he got here. All that was missing from his ensemble was a leather pouch of Jerry Garcia's ashes around his neck. I expected to see a permanent ass print left on the couch when he was gone, because he hadn't left it for more than five minutes since he'd shown up here. For a second, I thought about holding his nose and trying to drown him with the water, but I really didn't want to go to jail for murder. No matter how tempting it was.

I slowly tipped the glass, letting a steady stream of water hit him in the forehead. His eyes snapped open and he jerked up.

"What the hell, Bella?" He flung a hand out to swat the glass away, and I lurched back out of his reach. I tripped right over his smelly Birkenstocks and fell ass first onto the floor. The rest of the water splashed down my shirt.

_Oh, Lord_! It hurt so badly that I couldn't even curse! This was not a good way to start the day. I was going to have to sit on a doughnut at my graduation! Like an old man recovering from a hemorrhoid operation, or someone that got shot in the ass.

"OWWW! I broke my butt!" I rolled over on my side, rubbing my butt with the heel of my palm.

"Serves you right, Bella. That was mean," Jake pouted.

"It was mean to eat all the food I bought, for the_ second time this week_! I'm hungry, dammit! Go get some breakfast!" I lay there, still rubbing my ass. I looked up at Jake, catching him with a dazed look on his face. "What?" I snapped.

He snickered. "It's kinda hot watching you touch your butt like that. It's mesmerizing," he added, raising his eyebrows. I immediately snatched my hand from my ass and scowled at him. Gingerly, I stood up and took a few steps towards my bedroom, probably walking like I had a stick up my rear. Jake was still staring at me, except now his eyes were focused on my chest.

"What now, asshole?"

"You ever think about entering a wet t-shirt contest, Bells? I was totally right about your tits." I crossed my arms over my breasts. There was only one man I wanted to see those.

_**The KeyMaster!**_

_Yes, girls, the KeyMaster._

"Jake, if you don't take your tie-dye wearing ass out of here and bring me back a bagel, I'm going to eat your tiny nuts for breakfast. I need the protein."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Charlie got into town that afternoon. Currently, he was sitting on the couch next to Jake watching the Mariners game. I laughed to myself when I saw them sitting there. The pothead and the cop. I was tempted to spill Jake's secret.

"Dad, would you like a beer?" I'd sent Jake out to get more food when he got breakfast. I couldn't have Charlie over with nothing to offer him.

"Sure, Bells. You got Vitamin R?"

"No, Dad, I have Schlitz Blue Bull forties," I joked. Jake snickered, while Charlie scowled. I laughed. "Yes, I have the Vitamin R." I walked over and handed him the white and gold can.

"Thanks," he said. That was Charlie, a man of very few words. We got along great.

"Where's mine?" Jake whined.

"Oh, Jake, are you thirsty? I wonder why your mouth is so dry all the time." He looked stricken. Good. Let him stay on his toes. I went back to the fridge. "Catch." I tossed him a beer, and he juggled it a few times before it was steady. He tapped it on the mouth with his fingertip a few times before opening it. Of course, foam oozed out of the opening and into his lap. I smiled and went to my room to dress for tonight. I'd chosen a simple sleeveless black dress that fell just below the knee with a lightweight black shrug to combat the cool late spring air.

Twenty minutes later, I finished getting ready by adding the pearl necklace from my date with Edward. I doubled it once and left one strand long and dangling between my breasts. When I came out of my bedroom, Charlie stood up and tossed his keys to Jake."Why don't you go get the car started? Bells and I will meet you there in a minute," Charlie said.

"Did you bring the cruiser?" Charlie nodded. "Awesome, dude!" Jake ran out of the apartment. I hadn't seen Jake move that fast since he'd gotten here.

While I appreciated the irony of the pothead playing with the police cruiser (Saul from _Pineapple Express_, anyone?), I was not thrilled about riding in a cop car to my graduation. I'm sure I'd feel like a sixth grader that has to get dropped off at school in the parents' beater car.

"Bells, I, ah… just want you to know how proud of you I am," he said sheepishly. He handed me two packages. One was small and very light, and the other was medium sized and heavier than it looked.

"Thanks, Dad, but you didn't have to get me anything," I protested.

"I wanted to. You might not even like them anyway. They're practical." Charlie's definition of practical could mean the gifts were anything from fishing gear to pepper spray. I smiled at him and shook the tiny gift, carefully listening to the contents. Gift guessing is a talent of mine. I heard swishing inside. I knew it.

"Pepper spray," I guessed dryly. He'd given me a new can for every birthday and when I graduated from high school and with my undergrad. I had a collection in a box underneath my bed. I ripped the paper off the box and opened it. "I should have known. You realize I haven't needed to use the first one you bought me?"

"There's always a first time for everything, Bells. And I wouldn't shake the second one if I were you." He looked a bit worried. This could be interesting. Putting down the pepper spray, I tore into the second gift. I saw Charlie slip the can of spray into my handbag and I smiled to myself, pretending I didn't see him do it. I finished ripping the paper off the second box and opened it to reveal a silver metal case. I flipped open the snaps and raised the lid. My mouth dropped open.

_He didn't._

"Seriously? You got me a handgun for graduation?" I couldn't contain the laughter. Only Charlie would think this was a good graduation gift for his daughter.

"You live alone in a large city, Bells. It never hurts to be safe," he defended in a firm tone. Actually, now that I thought of it, this could be fun. I could threaten Jake with it if he tried to come back to my place tonight.

"Thanks, Dad. Are you going to show me how to use it?"

"Of course. And I'm not giving you the ammo until you take a class on firearm safety." I shook my head at him. Like I couldn't go and buy bullets myself. At the uh… where _did_ one buy bullets, anyway? Maybe I should take the class.

"I love you, Dad." I leaned over and hugged him tightly.

"I love you too, Bells," he said gruffly. "Now let's put the firearm away and get going."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Graduation ceremonies are boring. I know it's supposed to be a profound moment in your life, but all you really do is walk across a stage wearing a funny outfit, try not to trip, and grab an empty folder from some pompous old guy. They don't even send you your diploma until months later.

When I did my thing, I heard Charlie and Jake yelling, but I also heard someone else doing that "woof-woof" thing I used to hear on the old Arsenio Hall show. Who in the hell would do that? It's 2009, not 1993. Was that asshole Newton here? I tried to look into the audience as I smiled brightly for the camera, but I couldn't see anyone. I didn't even know where Charlie and Jake were. I gave up and concentrated on walking back to my seat to endure the rest of the pomp and circumstance.

When the ceremony was over, I slipped out of the cap and gown quickly and met Charlie and Jake in the hallway. Charlie enveloped me in a huge hug, showing me more affection than he ever had in my entire life. I guess he was _really_ happy I was done with school. As soon as he released me, Jake was there, leering at me like a perv. He caught me before I could back away and I half-heartedly hugged him back quickly.

"Are you coming to the party at the restaurant, Dad?"

"You sure you really want your old man there, Bells?"

"Yes, Dad! I don't get to see you very often, and I'd like you to meet my new friend, Alice." I didn't mention Edward. I didn't necessarily plan on introducing them, in case Edward thought it was too soon. And Charlie had yet to like any boyfriend I'd allowed to meet him.

_Was that what Edward was? My boyfriend? _

I didn't know, but I wanted him to be.

We agreed to meet at the cruiser after I talked to a few teachers and classmates. After I was done, I was walking down the dark hallway towards the auditorium doors when someone grabbed me from behind and pushed me back against the wall

I drew in breath to scream, but the voice I heard made me want to scream for a different reason. I sighed in relief.

"You know, you looked pretty sexy in that cap and gown… reminds me of all those teachers I slept with…" he murmured in my ear. I laughed, mostly in nervous relief. My heart was beating fast from the scare he'd given me, and from being near him. He was pressing me up against the wall, our bodies in contact from shoulder to feet. "I missed you."

I just grinned at him like the dumbass I am.

"Are you… Are you _speechless_, Bella?" he asked incredulously, seducing me with that damn smirk. "No smart ass comment?"

_**Oh, Edward… you said "ass." Can we touch yours?**_

I just shook my head, still staring at him like an idiot. He raised his hand to my cheek, tapping it lightly.

"Hello… are you okay?"

"Er, yes. I wasn't expecting to see you until the party tonight." It was lame, but somewhat articulate. Only a slight improvement.

"I wanted to surprise you. I thought you'd like it," he said. He sounded a bit unsure.

"You definitely surprised me." _And I definitely liked it_.

_**Oh, yes… we liked it. Next time, do it naked. We like surprises like that.**_

"Good," he whispered. "And you liked it?" I just nodded and hugged him, letting my hands slide up into his hair. I loved touching the shiny, soft strands. I pulled back and stared at him. After a moment, he pressed his lips softly to mine. I relished the soft texture, the gentle pressure. I hummed in my throat and he deepened the kiss, raising his hand to cup my chin. He applied gentle pressure with his thumb, opening my mouth for his tongue. I accepted him readily, stroking my tongue against his, battling him for dominance. I pressed closer; his hand slid from my jaw down to my neck, cupping it in his warm hand. He snuck his hand between the wall and the small of my back, pressing his hips against mine before he pulled away with a moan.

"Do you want to ride with me to the restaurant?" he asked raggedly. Like I would miss a chance to spend time alone with him. I suddenly found my voice.

"I'd love to. Just let me tell my Dad I'll meet him there."

He rubbed his thumb across my lips; I watched his tongue dart out to lick his full lower one. We both took deep breaths, our chests pressing closer together with the motion. "We'd better get going before Charlie starts worrying." He nodded and took my hand, leading me out to the parking lot. "I'll meet you at the Volvo." He started to walk away, but I stopped him. "Can I drive?" I asked with an evil grin.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

**A/N: Come chat with us on the WIP thread at twilighted(dot)net. You know the drill, replace the (dot) with real dots and remove all spaces.**

**http : // www(dot)twilighted(dot) net / forum / viewtopic(dot)php?f = 44&t = 3241&start =0**

**I'd love to hear from anyone. Make that everyone!! Come see half naked men and talk about ovaries or whatever perverted thing floats your boat. Oh, and pics of Rob. It wouldn't be complete without those.**

**Now for Mike Newton style Pimpin:**

**Reluctance**** by irebporti**

http: // www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net /s/ 4867015 /1/ Reluctance

Summary: Arrogant and brooding Edward Cullen meets Bella - a beautiful girl that's different from what he's used to - at a party on Valentine's day. They hit it off, but is everything as perfect as it seems? Slightly OOC, AU, AH, canon pairs. M for obvious reasons

ONE WORD: BEANIEWARD. Ok?

**She also writes Gipsy Passion. The fluff cure all for all heartfail. Check it out.**

**One last thing: Review? Please? I really do want to know what you all think. It makes the girls really excited and talkative! **

**Riiiiight theeerre**

**\/**


	8. Chapter 8 Shake and Bake

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do own the girls.**

**Thanks to KnittingVamp7 for putting up with my crap. You rule. **

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Chapter 8: Shake and Bake **

"You want to drive? _My_ car?" He looked worried; there was the cutest wrinkle right between his eyebrows. But I'd discovered that if I had to ride in a car with a Cullen, it was better to be in the driver's seat. I rested my hand on his forearm, giving it a light squeeze and leaning closer. His nostrils flared slightly as he took a deep breath. I was pretty sure his eyes glazed over a bit.

"Alice let me drive the Porsche the other day," I reminded him. I stayed close to him; he seemed to be easier to influence if my body was in close proximity to his. "Your Volvo isn't even a stick shift," I said in a coy voice, emphasizing the word "stick" purely for my own entertainment. I let my eyes drop below his waist for a split second as my lips formed the words. His breathing sped up incrementally. I could feel his forearm tense under my hand. I let my fingertips trail across the smooth skin of his forearm as I let my hand fall away. "So? Can I?" This time my voice was whisper soft. It was very hard to keep from laughing, because I knew exactly what I was doing to him. I had no idea where it was coming from, but I was certainly enjoying it.

_**AHEM. Bella… Yoo-hoo… You're welcome.**_

_Thanks, girls. I mean it this time._

_**Just remember… there will come a time when we will ask of you a favor…**_

___Great. Now they're going all _Godfather_ on me. I was pretty sure I knew what that favor would be. Fortunately I'd probably enjoy every minute of said favor._

I tried to give him my best pleading look. When I bit my bottom lip, his eyes couldn't help but follow. I hoped I wasn't going overboard here. I put my hand on his side, just above his hip. To the casual observer we probably looked like any other couple having a quiet talk together, but I knew differently. I was the predator tonight, and I had my prey right where I wanted him. I leaned in for the kill, my lips millimeters from touching his ear.

"Please?" I swear I felt a shudder ripple under my hand at his side. He sucked in a breath and cleared his throat nervously.

_I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe it's _working_._

__"Okay?" It sounded as though he was asking me a question. I pulled away and beamed at him.

"Thanks, Edward!" I quickly kissed him on his cheek and turned away so he wouldn't see my evil grin. "I'll be right back," I called over my shoulder as I walked away.

_EDWARD – 0, BELLA – 1 _

Charlie and Jake were standing by the cruiser talking when I reached them.

"Ready to go, Bells?"

"Actually, Dad, I'm going to ride with a friend, if that's okay." I tried not to feel like a teenager asking to go on a "real date" with a boy alone. What happened to all that confidence I had just a few moments ago?

"Sure. I remember how to get to the restaurant."

"Can I catch a ride with you – " Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.

"No, Jake," I said quickly, racking my brain for an excuse. "It's, uh, a two-seater. Unless you want to ride in the trunk… I think we could stuff you in." Charlie looked at me with a skeptical expression. Jake just curled his lip at me.

"Whatever, Bells," he huffed and plopped himself into the cruiser, his weight causing the shocks to bounce. I smirked at Charlie, who returned my look with a long-suffering expression.

"Are you two ever going to quit acting like fighting kids?"

"Sorry, Dad. I can't help it." I grinned and pointed to Jake as he sat in the front seat. He flipped me off. "You might want to make him ride in the back. You know, behind the cage." Charlie just shook his head and turned to the car.

"We'll see you there, Bella." I waved and started towards the opposite end of the parking lot, where Edward was waiting for me. I could see him leaning against the car, hands stuffed in his pockets; obviously he'd been watching the exchange. I smiled at him and made an effort not to run across the lot. He looked so handsome in his light green cashmere sweater and dark washed jeans. I remembered what the sweater had felt like under my hand, so soft and warm from his body, the soft fabric accenting the hard muscles beneath. He didn't move from the driver's side door when I reached him.

"Who's the hippie?" he asked, the smirk beginning to show on his lips.

"A nuisance," I retorted. "He's like a fly that won't leave you alone and you just can't find the flyswatter." He chuckled at that, raising his eyebrow. He still didn't move from his place beside the car door. "Oh, it's just Jake… a family friend." I tried not to make a sour face at the word "friend." Jake had really worn out his welcome in the last few days. "His dad and Charlie are best friends."

"He looks… interesting."

"That's one way to describe him. There's also annoying, gluttonous, and immature-- I could go on."

He laughed. "I think I get the picture."

"Ready to go?" I reached for the door handle, but he put his warm hand over mine and leaned closer, backing me into the car.

"You really want to drive."

"Yes. You Cullens drive like maniacs. I'd like to live to actually get my diploma in the mail."

"I've never been in an accident in my life. I have a perfect record," he challenged.

"Speeding tickets can be fixed," I said flatly. There was no way this speed-demon had a spotless record, unless he'd managed to be pulled over by only female cops. And I was positive that it was impossible that he'd never been pulled over with his crazy driving. I held out my other hand, palm up, waiting for his keys. The brilliant green pools of his eyes bored into mine, virtually pinning me against the car. He turned the full force of the smirk on me, like he knew just how that "I-don't-care" face affected me. It made me want to wipe that smirk right off his face. With my lips.

_**It makes us want to rip his clothes off!**_

_Yeah, okay, so what if they were right?_

"You're _sure_ you want to drive." 

I nodded and took a deep breath, which was a big mistake. He was too close; I was enveloped by that scent of intoxicating man and sandalwood, and I felt my resolve slipping away. So I did the bravest thing I could think of: I went fishing for the keys in his pocket.

_**This works for us. This really, REALLY works for us. Just a little to the left…**_

_Oh, lucky me. The keys weren't in that pocket. I get to dive into the other one!_ The girls were very pleased by this development.

_**Eeeexcellent! **_

Edward froze as soon as I jammed my hand in his pocket; his eyes went wide and his lips parted on a slight huff. He finally regained motion when I yanked the keys out of his other pocket. His hand closed firmly on my wrist, effectively immobilizing my arm. It wasn't a tight grip, but I knew I wasn't going to break free easily. He held my wrist up against my chest and closed the remaining distance between us.

"And you're ready now…" he trailed off, dipping his nose behind my ear.

I nodded weakly. His warm lips pressed just below my ear, sending electricity racing down my spine. Every muscle in my body went rigid at the contact. His lips moved slowly down my neck before pausing at the sensitive juncture between my neck and shoulder to plant a hot, open-mouthed kiss. He suckled hard and soothed the sting with his tongue. Unfortunately for me, at the same time of said kissing, he removed the Volvo's keys from my captive hand. He'd walked me around to the passenger-side door and handed me into the seat before I regained my wits.

_EDWARD – 1, BELLA – 1_

"That was evil. Pure evil. You are Satan's minion," I grumbled.

_**But, Bella… Lucifer WAS an angel first, you know!**_

He laughed and gave me a soft peck on the lips before he walked around to the driver's side. _What had just happened?_ _I'd been doing so well!_ He grabbed my hand and held it in his; our arms rested on the center console as he drove. That arrogant smirk was plastered on his face. I kept silent and scowled at him as I began formulating my plans for revenge.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

When we reached the restaurant, I'd decided on a plan of action. Operation Dazzle was a go. I figured the name for my plan was appropriate, because I planned to turn every single one of his tricks back on him. I was going to drive him nuts in any way I could think of tonight. If he turned on the "sexytime tractor beam," I'd give him my "sex-kitten Bella stare." Every one of his "innocent" touches would be met with one of my own. I planned on giving the girls free reign tonight. _I just hoped I didn't end up regretting it._

When we joined the party in the reserved room, the first thing I heard was Jake's voice. He had Emmett cornered by the temporary bar that had been set up for the party. Ben stood by in awe as Jake went all fanboy on his captive.

"Dude, the way you smashed that guy with the chair in that ladder match… man, you got him right in the face! You had to have at least knocked a few teeth out!"

I leaned close to Edward's ear. "Should we rescue your brother?" I felt his hand tense where it rested on my back. _Hmm… it seems Operation Dazzle has begun_. _This might be easier than I'd originally thought._

_**Yes, Bella. It's all so much better when you just listen to us. Would you like a cookie?**_

Ignoring the girls' gloating, I pointed at Emmett. He rolled his eyes and smirked at the sight. "Are you kidding? He loves it. Watch." He steered me in the direction of the bar, and as we got closer, I heard Emmett spewing nonsense at his admirers.

"You see, I get up in the morning, and I just piss excellence," he drawled in a fake Southern accent. "If you're not first, you're last." Jake and Ben hung on every word and guffawed at Emmett's comments. I looked at Edward with a smile and leaned into his side a bit, my expression mirroring his. His grin faltered a bit when we touched, but he slid his arm around my waist and rested his hand on my hip. His eyes darkened slightly and his lids lowered. _Be strong, Bella. Don't let the tractor beam suck you in._

"Did he just say 'I piss excellence'?" I said softly, so he would have to lean in to hear in the din of the room. "He just quoted Ricky Bobby, didn't he?"

He frowned. "Who's Ricky Bobby?" Now it was my turn for the eye roll.

"We really need to get you out more, Edward." I shook my head at him and his perfect lips kicked up into that crooked grin.

"I have no problem with that, Bella. I just have a few requirements that must be met."

"What, we alternate every funny, awesome movie with some documentary about existentialism or something serious like that?"

"No," he laughed.

"Oh, what about those surgeries they show on T.V., I could watch that. I saw this lady getting a nose job, and the guy practically took a chisel to her face—"

"You sound way too excited about the violence of rhinoplasty," he interrupted, raising his eyebrows at me. "All I ask is that for every movie I watch with you, we'll do something that I pick. No questions asked."

"Sure, okay." I definitely had no problem spending extra time with him. I ignored Angel Bella, who seemed to have a problem with me agreeing to his request so quickly. I mentally knocked her off my shoulder; I think she landed somewhere on top of the bar. I was putting her ass on mute tonight. He gave me a wide, charming grin and his green eyes sparkled at me with something I didn't entirely trust. He was up to something. _That made two of us. Bring it, Edward. I'm going to knock you on your perfect ass_.

He gave me a little nudge towards Emmett with the hand on my hip and whispered in my ear, "Shake and bake, baby." _That sneaky bastard! _My jaw dropped open and I gave him the death stare. He just smirked at me and kept nudging.

_EDWARD – 2, BELLA – 1 _

Damn. I was falling behind.

"Gaucho Girl!" Emmett had turned his attention to me. Ben and Jake had disappeared. "Did you hear me cheering for you?" He then proceeded to make the Arsenio Hall "woof-woof" noise. Everyone turned to look. I should have known it was him.

"Meat Sweats, how are you?" He threw back his head and laughed loudly. "I didn't know you would be there tonight. Thank you for coming." I was friendly and polite even though inside my head I was plotting ways to bring his brother to his knees.

_**It's not like he won't be enjoying every minute of it, Bella. We'll bring him to his knees and then Sex Hair will earn his nickname tonight.**_

My mind quickly flashed to the other night, when he'd sent me his picture. Those eyes… that hair… my crotch… GAH. My cheeks began to flame and I scrambled to think of anything to dampen the blush. All I my incapacitated mind could come up with was snake vomit John Voight from _Anaconda_, one of the worst movies of all time. The snake vomit guy fucking _winked_ at J-Lo, for Christ's sake!

_**We wanna see Edward's anaconda!**_

_Yes girls, so do I, but now's not the time!_ _What happened to Operation Dazzle?_

_**You're the one who started thinking about anacondas…**_

Obviously they were no help any longer. I was on my own.

Emmett's voice brought me back to reality. "Speaking of meat sweats, where IS the meat?" He rubbed his belly. "I haven't eaten in two hours. I'm starving!"

"Is that the only reason you came, Emmett?" I teased.

"Probably," Edward said dryly.

"How do you expect me to keep up this grand specimen of manliness?" He gestured to his torso. "Protein, protein, protein." Emmett looked pointedly at Edward's hand on my hip. "And it definitely doesn't look like you need a wingman, E, so now I'm definitely here to eat." Edward's fingers flexed, pressing into my skin as he pulled me slightly closer to his side. My pulse sped up as he met my eyes for a second before responding.

"No, I definitely don't need a wingman, Emmett. I already found the person I was looking for." I rolled my eyes.

"Edward, they should name a type of cheese after you." He tried to look offended, but I could tell he was enjoying my joke. His eyes sparkled and he really worked to conceal his grin.

"I like this girl, Edward," Emmett whispered loudly. "She sees through all your bullshit."

I laughed; Edward gave Emmett a mock dirty look. "I don't bullshit."

"You're a doctor, aren't you?" Emmett shot back. My hand covered my mouth and I stifled a giggle; surely observing this family dynamic couldn't get any better. Then I saw Edward flip Emmett off. For some reason, that really turned me on. I'm sick. I decided it would be very amusing to fuel the fire.

"Edward… did you learn that in medical school?" I made sure to sound surprised and appalled all at once. His mouth opened to respond, but Alice found us at that moment.

"Bella! Congratulations!" She hugged me hard and I was again surprised by the amount of strength contained in her little body. I was glad to see her; she was impossible not to like and fun to be with.

"Thanks, Alice! I'm glad you could make it." Before we could discuss anything else, Charlie came up to my side, with Jake in tow.

"Dad," I said warmly. "Jake." I tried to keep the disgust out of my voice. "I want you to meet my friends, Alice, Edward and Emmett." I'd decided to introduce Edward as my friend for now, and let him decide how much he wanted to reveal. His hand didn't move from my hip, and I knew Charlie could tell that there was more to the story. I felt elated that Edward was claiming me in front of my father. Alice and Emmett greeted them enthusiastically; Charlie's eyes lingered pointedly on Edward's hand at my waist.

"Don't remember you mentioning an Edward," he said to me. I'd never mentioned an Alice or Emmett before either, but I knew his game. I prepared myself for the concerned father routine. I was prepared to ignore his posturing.

Edward stuck his hand out for Charlie to shake. "Edward Cullen, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you." My heart melted a bit at his politeness. I just hoped he was squeezing the heck out of Charlie's hand; the firm handshake was one of Charlie's litmus tests for acceptable men. No man had gripped his hand hard enough so far, which meant that no one had crushed the shit out of his hand as of yet.

"Edward is a doctor at UW Medical Center," I offered, hoping that would do something to impress him.

"Ah, well, nice to meet you, _Dr. Cullen_." No go. I widened my eyes at Charlie, trying to get him to back off without words. He seemed to take the hint and didn't push anything further.

"What's up, dude," Jake asked sullenly, looking like he wanted to stab Edward with a rusty spoon. This was becoming uncomfortable very fast. My eyes darted around the room, looking for some kind of escape that I could arrange for Edward and me.

"I just wanted to come and tell you that we were heading out, Bells," Charlie said. I stifled a sigh of relief. "Got an early drive back to Forks tomorrow."

"I'm so glad you could make it, Dad." I hugged him hard, letting him know how much I loved him. Charlie wasn't one for big physical displays and goodbyes, so it was over quickly. "Bye, Jake." My tone was flat; I couldn't wait to get rid of the freeloader. Charlie and I had already discussed the plans for tonight; Jake would stay with him so they could get an early start in the morning.

Jake grabbed me, hugging me much longer than I wanted, especially considering that I had no desire to be touched by him at all. I pulled out of his arms with a grimace; Jake was still glaring daggers at Edward. I backed away from Jake and leaned against Edward's arm without being too obvious.

After Charlie and Jake left, we settled into an easy repartee of joking and having fun. Edward and his family were so much fun to be around, and the rest of the night moved much too fast for my liking. Operation Dazzle had been a total bomb; I was still down a point to Edward, not that he had any idea I was keeping score. I gave up and decided to enjoy the rest of the evening, and I was almost sad that it had to come to an end.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_**A/N:**__ Don't kill me. This chapter was epically long. I had to split it. The second half is all ready to go. What do you have to do to get Chapter 9, you ask? I accept bribes. Reviews, gropes, reviews, passion fruit lip gloss, reviews… you get the picture._

_TRUST ME. It will be worth it. The girls will be serving lemon tarts._

_I know you all probably want to kick me in the hoo-ha right now, but I have to recommend some funny shit._

_**The How-To Guide**__ by Stavanger1 and kinolaughs_

AU A more mature Edward meets newly single Bella in college. After a rough start he confides his darkest secret to her. Her reaction? She thinks he's cuckoo. OOC.

_http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/4891214/1/The_How_To_Guide_

_**Emergence of a Pervert! **__by kinolaughs_

Edward reflects on how his perfect control cracked when Bella came into his life unleashing his long dormant perverted inner seventeen year old. Sequel/Prequel to Bye Bye Internal Censor!

_http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/4887349/1/Emergence_of_a_Pervert_

_The Inner Seventeen year-old is the girls' soul mate. They would run away together if they had bodies of their own._

_So, let me know what you thought, even if it's to hurl pitchforks and torches at me for leaving you hanging. You might just convince me to post the new chapter tomorrow morning. Try your best… REVIEW! End epically long author's note._

_THE GIRLS WANT YOU TO CLICK IT!_

O O

\ /


	9. Chapter 9 Lucid Dreams

**Disclaimer: I don't own TWILIGHT. The obnoxious talking ovaries are all mine.**

**Thanks to KnittingVamp7 for taming my use of semi-colons. I'm a semi-colon whore. **

**Many, many thanks to AmryMarie, for letting me use **_**her**_** vision of the girls. I'll never hear them the same way in my head again. **

**Okay, folks – this shizz is going to earn its rating here. If you're not old enough to buy a skin mag, you're not old enough to read this! You've been warned!**

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Chapter 9: Lucid Dreams**

Edward still had the magic parking space luck, as it seemed, because he got another space directly in front of my building that night when he drove me home. We'd spent much of the drive in easy silence, listening to the soft music on the stereo. Suddenly, I was nervous and found myself speechless for about the third time that night. He held my hand in his on the center console as he had on the way to the restaurant. The electric zing that I'd felt upon our hands' first contact had not dissipated during the drive. If anything, I was more aware of my small, delicate hand wrapped inside his large, capable one. The silence became palpable as he shut off the engine. I cleared my throat to break the silence.

"Would you like to–" I began.

"Can I–" he asked at the same time. "Please, you go first."

"Would you like to come up for a bit?" I tried to keep the insecurity out of my voice. "What were you going to say?"

His lips formed that disgustingly perfect smile again. "I was going to invite myself up to your apartment." And in that instant he set off a paradox inside me. The awkward nervousness was gone, yet a different kind of tension had taken its place. _The girls were nervous_. I was pretty sure they were giving themselves a pep talk in front of the bathroom mirror, fluffing up their little boobs and reapplying their passion fruit lip gloss.

"I guess that answers my question, then, doesn't it?" I returned his smile with what I'm sure was a perfectly idiotic grin. He squeezed my hand quickly before getting out of the car. As he rounded the hood of the Volvo to come and help me out of the passenger side, a bit of the awkwardness started to creep back in. _What the heck were we going to do when we got up there? Was I thinking of sleeping with him? Did I remember to clean up Jake's mess before I left? What if Charlie hadn't taken him to the hotel and Jake was UP THERE?? _

I knew the answer to that question. It involved Charlie's graduation present and disposing of a body.

Edward opened my door and helped me out of the car. I don't know if that would ever get old. Maybe unless I really needed to pee and wanted to get out of the car pronto, otherwise, I was perfectly content with his Titanic-era manners. He walked me through the front doors with his hand resting on my back.

I took a deep breath before opening the door to my apartment. I flipped on the light. Nothing. _Thank God Jake wasn't here._ Thank God the apartment was clean. That was one thing to thank Charlie for. I laughed to myself at Charlie's reaction to Edward. I supposed it was typical; he probably didn't think anyone was good enough for his little girl. But Edward? Who wouldn't be happy that a handsome, intelligent doctor was interested in his daughter?

I gestured to the couch, indicating that he was welcome to take a seat. "Would you like something to drink? Water, wine?" He shook his head, looking at me with uncertainty. I never liked to see that look in his eyes, so as usual, I did whatever I could to take it away. I took his hand and led him to the couch, giving him a soft shove on the shoulder so he would sit. "Let's watch _Spaceballs._ He laughed and shook his head, gesturing to the T.V. He kicked his shoes off and leaned back.

"By all means. But I get to pick the next activity. You promised." I waved my hand at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Whatever you want," I said. Then, just to twist the knife a bit, I winked at him. His eyes widened. I turned to the entertainment center and set up the movie, and then returned to the couch. I sat down a few feet away from him, kicking my shoes off and putting my feet on the coffee table. I was trying to make a good show of getting comfortable without him. Edward watched with not a little disbelief as I settled in two feet away from him. He quirked an eyebrow and looked at me through his lashes, setting the tractor beam to full strength. The girls were throwing a temper tantrum worthy of a toddler in Wal-Mart.

_**No, Bella! We want THAT! Want, want, want NOW!!**_

_Patience, girls. If we build it, he will come. And maybe I will, too. _

Hey, it worked in _Field of Dreams_, right? Just not quite the way _I'm_ thinking of coming. I really needed to stop this train of thought before the girls took over. I peeked at Edward out of the corner of my eye; he was still staring at me.

_EDWARD – 2, BELLA – 2 _

_All tied up!_

"Are you not liking the movie?" I asked innocently, looking straight ahead at the T.V. "We can pick another one." I met his eyes, instantly stiffening as every fiber in my body fought against the sexytime tractor beam. I hoped he didn't notice. "Are you comfortable? Cold? Hot? Are you sure you're not thirsty?" Damn. The tractor beam was very successfully pulling a stream of drivel out of my mouth.

"Now that you ask, Bella, I don't think I'm comfortable." I stood up quickly, ready to run and get him anything he needed. My "patience" strategy didn't seem to be working very well.

_**We know how to make him comfortable! Jump him!**_

_Patience, girls!!_

As soon as I reached my feet, he reached out and grabbed my hand, tugging me sideways onto his lap. _Oh, my_. I sat up very straight until he pulled me to rest against his shoulder. My nose was right next to his neck, and I breathed him in surreptitiously. I couldn't see the movie very well, but there was no way in hell that was going to upset me considering my current location.

"Much better," he murmured in a low voice. The rumble of his voice against my hand resting on his chest was divine. I remembered the way it had felt in my dream and warmth began to gather low in my belly.

"Okay… good," I squeaked. He said nothing further, just wrapped his arms around me, resting one hand low on my hip and the other just above it at my waist. We sat in silence as the movie played; I tried valiantly to keep my attention focused on the film, but it was impossible with his hands burning into my skin. Occasionally, his thumbs would stroke slow paths along my skin. He was torturing me.

_EDWARD – 3, BELLA – 2_

_Damn! I'm way out of my league here._

I ended up focusing on his reactions to the movie: absorbing the rumbling feel of his laughter, feeling the play of muscles in his abdomen. Halfway through, I realized I was never going to make it. I was either going to dissolve into a puddle of goo on his lap or be the first woman ever to die from arousal. I closed my eyes and tried thinking of snake vomit man again, but even that didn't work. The girls were watching me with baited breath, chewing their nails in anticipation. They knew I was about to break.

I squirmed a little on his lap, trying to get comfortable; he stiffened, sucking in a breath. His legs widened slightly and I dropped down a bit into the extra space he'd created between them. I could feel him. Down there. _Well, hello there. Where've you been hiding all my life?_

_**MY PREEECIOOOUSSSS…**_ the girls whispered. Then they fainted dead away. How pathetic. I didn't need them anyway. Fat lot of good they'd done me tonight. Operation Dazzle had been utter FAIL so far.

I squirmed again, purposely rubbing my hip against him. His hands tightened, fingertips digging into my flesh. "Bella," he warned, his voice thick and husky. I lifted my head from his shoulder and met his hooded eyes. They were that irresistible mossy green again. _God, was I ever going to be able to look at moss again without becoming turned on?_

"Edward." I tried to smirk sexily at him, just like he did to me. His eyes narrowed and he swallowed before speaking.

"Don't you want to watch the movie?"

"I have it memorized. I can stare at you all I want. You're the one who has a quiz later."

"There's a quiz?" His eyebrow rose and he grinned. "What kind? Essay? True or false? Multiple choice?" _Did I imagine the emphasis he placed on "multiple?"_

I tapped my finger on my chin and pretended to consider. "Definitely multiple."

"Good to know." He grabbed my hands and rested them on my lap. "You know what I learned in medical school?"

"You already told me. That's where you learned all your 'skills' with the ladies," I teased.

"No, not that. I learned that 'C' is the most common correct choice for multiple choice exams."

"Ah," I said, acting impressed. "'C' stands for lots of things." He gave me a weird look. I leaned over to his ear and whispered, "Like… cucumber. Carrot. Candlestick." I could feel him tense with each consecutive word. I almost felt guilty for what I was about to say. _Almost._ "Cock…" _Did I just feel him MOVE down there?_ "…roach."

_EDWARD – 3, BELLA – 3 _

He let out a short laugh and I kissed him quickly on the earlobe before turning back to the movie. His thumb stroked my hand and I tried to ignore the sensation. Suddenly I felt him lean forward and he was whispering in my ear.

"Did you know 'B' is the second most popular choice?" I shook my head, trying to ignore the chills racing down my spine. "'B' stands for many things too. Butterflies…" His lips traced softly up and down my neck. Guh.

_What was the score again? Hell, I couldn't even remember my freaking name!_

_Why do all my plans backfire on me? _His arms tightened around me, pulling me flush against him. "Beauty…" My heart was pounding so fast I was afraid I would faint. What the hell was he doing to me? Was he seriously trying to kill me? His hand stroked up my side, brushing the curve of my breast on its way to cup my chin.

_**Breast! Another B word! Bazoongas! Bubblies! Boobage… Boinking!!!!**_

_Not now, I'm trying not to die here!_

He turned my face to his and leaned me back against his arm. He stared intently at my lips before his head descended to mine. "Bella…" he said against my lips before settling his mouth on mine.

His lips were soft and warm as they rubbed against me, sending shocks of current to every part of my body. The kiss began as chaste and gentle, then slowly intensified. He cupped my head in his palm and traced my bottom lip with his tongue. I opened slightly, not enough to grant him entrance, still possessing enough wits to realize I always got better results when I denied him just the tiniest bit. He pressed me harder against his arm, leaning us against the arm of the couch. I sighed and he nipped at my lips, growling before trailing them down to my neck and giving it the same treatment.

I took advantage of the opportunity to breathe in his scent. His tongue traced tiny patterns across my skin and I clenched my hands in his hair, closing my eyes to better absorb the sensation. I could feel every swipe of his tongue in my nipples and between my legs. While I was all about denying Edward, I didn't quite have that amount of discipline for myself. I tugged his head up to mine, swallowing his chuckle as I became the aggressor. I put everything I had into the kiss, tasting him thoroughly as I slid my tongue across the rough velvet of his.

His hand slid down to cup my rear; somehow he'd maneuvered us so we were lying fully on the couch, his weight pressing down on me, one of his hard thighs pushed between mine. I felt the hard length of him riding against my thigh. His hand ran lightly down my thigh as we kissed, slipping underneath the hem of my dress and gripping the back of my knee. He hitched my leg around his hip and ground into me. I moaned into his mouth as I trailed my hands down his sides to grip the hem of his sweater. I tugged it up to reveal the smooth, hot skin underneath and traced his shifting muscles with my fingernails. He growled deep in his throat and ripped his lips from mine, breathing heavily into my neck. I pulled the sweater up to his shoulders, touching every inch of skin I could along the way. He raised his head and met my eyes.

"Bella, I'm not sure… Are you sure this isn't too fast?"

_Fuck yes, I was sure_. The girls had pumped so many hormones into my bloodstream in their attempt to cloud my judgment that I was long past caring about anything but getting relief. With Edward. Naked. All night long.

"Maybe we should slow down," he said. I pushed on his shoulders, urging him to sit back on his heels. I followed him and quickly yanked his sweater over his head. I took it as a good sign that he let me.

"Do you want to slow down?" I asked, trying not to drool at the sight of him shirtless. I must have been a very, very good girl in a past life. I traced my hand down his chest and over his abdomen, stroking that little trail of hair that disappeared beneath his belt buckle. His eyes blazed at me intensely, glowing like emeralds in his flushed face.

"No, but –"

"Good." I pulled him forward by his belt buckle and kissed him before he had a chance to object any further. He resisted for a second before he responded, kissing me deeply, filling my mouth with his tongue. His hands went to the zipper at the back of my dress and pulled it down slowly, his fingertips tracing my skin as he revealed it inch by inch. I slid my hands along the skin of his waist around to his back, digging my fingers into the hard muscle.

He released my mouth as his hands went to my shoulders, peeling the dress down and away from my chest. His lids were lowered as he looked at my body, but I could see the tip of his tongue as he licked his bottom lip. I wanted to be the one doing that, but I didn't think I'd ever seen anything sexier. I stood up to let the dress fall from by body and I was before him in only my bra and panties. I held my hand out to him and he took it, following me into my bedroom.

He sat on the bed, pulling me to stand between his legs. I ran my hands through his hair, holding him to me as he looked up at me and smiled before planting a kiss between my breasts. His hands were behind me, working the clasp of my bra. He slipped the straps off my shoulders and peeled the cups away. A soft breath escaped him as he cupped my breasts in his hands and the warm feel of his palms against my puckered nipples tore a whimper from my throat. My eyes fluttered shut as he skimmed his palms over the hard buds before cupping me more firmly once again.

"Beautiful," he murmured. "Another 'B' word." My eyes snapped open. _He had the nerve to joke and smirk at me right now?_ My ire was short-lived, however, as he swiped the flat of his tongue across my nipple before drawing it into his mouth. His hands bracketed my sides and his thumbs traced lazy paths along my ribs. He hummed against my skin, creating another layer of sensation to add to the pleasure before he released my nipple. His hands drifted down to my hips, where he gripped me firmly and half pushed, half lifted me to lie on the bed next to him. My head spun with the sudden movement.

He moved to lie on top of me, planting kisses up my neck until he reached my mouth. I bent my knees, letting him settle between my legs as he dropped hot kisses over and over on my lips. I gripped his shoulders tightly, pressing my chest against his. He wouldn't give me the deep, penetrating kiss that I wanted. He sucked first my top lip, then my bottom lip into his mouth, nibbling on each one. I was breathing hard, desperate for him to quit teasing me. He finally relented, slanting his mouth across mine; I took advantage and met his tongue with my own. I dragged my hand down his back and slid it under his jeans, into his boxers and squeezed. _God. I was going to have such a hard time keeping my hands off of his ass now that I knew what it felt like_.

He groaned into my mouth and ground against me, his erection pressing hard right where I wanted him. It felt wonderful, that hard flesh pressing against my clit, even through the layers of silk and denim. He kissed his way down my body, sucking hard enough to leave marks in some places. His tongue dipped into my bellybutton and I felt it in my core.

"Edward," I panted, "come back up here." There was time for that later; I needed him NOW. I tugged on his hair, but he wouldn't budge. He just smiled up at me with heavy-lidded eyes and stroked two fingers up and down the moist crotch of my panties. "Let me make you feel good, Bella," he said, and then he planted a kiss on my clothed clit. My eyelids fell shut and my head hit the pillow as he hooked his long fingers at both sides of my panties and drew them down my legs. I could feel his breath on my center as he spread my legs, wedging his shoulders between my thighs. He spread my lips apart and stroked one long finger down the slick flesh. I drew in a sharp breath and squeezed my eyelids shut.

"Edward Cullen, you'll be the death of me," I moaned. He laughed softly and then pressed his lips to me in an openmouthed kiss. My back arched and my hands fisted tighter in his hair. Then I realized that I was missing out on the visual I had most wanted to see since he'd sent me that picture a few nights earlier. I lifted my head up off of the pillow. He was watching me, his pupils dilated with pleasure, the irises glowing mossy green. A lock of his messy hair fell into one eye; the rest of it stuck up in all directions from my hands. One arm was wrapped around my hip, his palm resting on my lower stomach. I felt the fingers of his other hand tracing my heat, spreading around the moisture. He flattened his tongue and rubbed it across my clit, back and forth. My hips bucked up and he applied pressure to my stomach with his hand, holding me still. My breath shuddered in and out of me as the pleasure tightened into a hot ball in my belly.

He lifted his head and watched as he slid two fingers inside me, more slowly than I could stand. Those long fingers… feeling them was enough, but watching him _watch himself _touch me was almost more than I could stand.

"Is that good, Bella?" he asked against my clit before taking it into his mouth and suckling, flicking the tip of his tongue against it over and over. His fingers curved into me, thrusting in and out slowly, hitting that spot deep inside me that made it impossible to think or speak.

"Yes!" I moaned loudly, pleasure breaking over me in wave after wave. I could feel my muscles clenching around his fingers; he moaned against my flesh, his tongue stroking me through my orgasm until I relaxed against his hold. He placed one final kiss against my wet flesh and slowly withdrew his fingers from me. I lay still, panting, as he kissed his way back up my body until he buried his face in my neck and I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

My hands roamed up and down his back and around his sides to wedge them between us. I reached for his belt buckle and he jerked his hips away from me.

"Bella, you don't have to do that. I think we should wait," he said, his voice strained. "We need to talk about some things, figure out where we want this to go." He lay on his side, pulling my back against his chest. I could feel him digging into my backside, and I knew he was uncomfortable. I wiggled myself around to lie on my back so I could see him. I reached my hand up to his cheek.

"Edward, we don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, but…" I trailed off, not exactly sure how to tell him what I wanted. I tried again. "I let you make _me _feel good, so why won't you let me do the same for you?"

"Bella, just _being_ with you makes me feel good. I'm happier right now than I have been in a long time." He stroked my cheek and placed a warm kiss on my lips. I fought back the sadness his tone drew out of me and snuggled closer to him. _He might be happy to be with me right now, but I bet he'd be even happier if he lost the blue balls_. It was very sweet of him to think only of me, but I wasn't taking no for an answer.

Sliding my hands into his hair, I stroked his scalp as he kissed me. I pressed my lips harder to his and traced his lower lip with my tongue. With a fingertip I skimmed the shell of his ear slowly, following the curve of soft skin to his earlobe. I repeated the motion as I trailed my lips along his jaw to meet my hand. My lips tingled from the slight growth of beard that roughened his skin. I sucked his earlobe into my mouth, flicking it with my tongue softly, eliciting a low moan from the back of his throat.

I let my hand wander over his skin, skimming his neck, across his shoulder and over the hard swell of his bicep. Releasing his earlobe with one last stroke of my tongue, I ran the tip of my nose down his neck, stopping in the fragrant dip between his collarbones. My hands spread across his chest, greedily palming every inch of skin I could reach. I trailed my tongue across his pecs, tasting Edward and salt and a hint of sweat. I'd never tasted anything better.

"Bella…" His voice was pleading. I pressed my palm to his shoulder and pushed; he fell onto his back easily.

"Edward?" I asked, smiling as I continued my path lower and lower. I brought both hands to his waistband again as I chanced a look up, never removing my lips from his skin. His eyes were dark and unfocused as he watched me. I knew I had him. I kept his gaze as I moved lower, releasing the belt and pulling it out of the loops. I threw it behind me and it hit the wall with a clunk. He flinched at the sound, but he didn't stop me. I kissed my way down his abdomen as I unfastened his jeans, paying special attention to the sensitive area underneath his navel. His breathing was coming faster now and his hands had found their way into my hair, his fingers softly kneading my scalp.

I opened the fly of his jeans, catching my first glimpse of him stretching the fabric of his boxers. I ran my fingertips just under the elastic waistband and followed them with my tongue. His eyes rolled back and his head dropped to the pillow. I hooked my fingers under both garments and dragged them down his thighs, letting my nails scrape him slightly as I pulled. His erection sprang out from the fabric, hard and straining against his abdomen.

"Do you want me to stop, Edward?" I asked, letting my breath wash over his smooth, hot flesh. He groaned and his fingers tightened on my skull. _I guess not_. I smiled and ran my lips up and down his shaft as I tugged his jeans further down his legs, helping him to kick them off. Running my hands back up his thighs, I smoothed my palms over his hipbones and up his chest before dragging them back down to his cock. I wrapped my hand around the base as I swirled my tongue around the head, licking at the drop of pre-cum that leaked from the tiny slit. His hips bucked and I took advantage of the motion, opening my mouth and taking him in to the back of my throat.

"Shit," he choked out. "Don't stop." His hands were fisted tightly in my hair now, using gentle pressure to guide me up and down. Looking up past the planes of his chest, I saw that he was watching me once again. I used one hand to complement the rhythm of my mouth as I cupped his balls with the other. I held his gaze as I moaned around his cock and his hips began to thrust up to meet me, his thighs tensing with every stroke of my mouth and tongue.

"Fuck, Bella," he groaned. "Feels so good… I can't…" He began to tug at my hair, urging me to pull away, but I wanted it, wanted all of him. I sucked him harder, taking him past the back of my throat as he thrust faster, his movements becoming more and more erratic. He growled deep in his throat as he thrust one last time. I took everything he gave me before releasing him gently and resting my head on his hip as he lay there catching his breath.

_EDWARD – 3, BELLA – 4_

_YES! I WON!_

We lay in silence for a few minutes before he spoke.

"Come here." He gripped my shoulders and tugged me up to his chest, pressing a soft kiss to my lips. I laid my head on his shoulder, curling into him and absorbing his warmth. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist. "Bella, you didn't have to do that… but I'm so glad you didn't listen to me," he chuckled. I laughed into his neck, resisting the urge to say "I told you so."

_**Yes, Bella, you didn't have to do that! That was a waste of good genetic material. We are very disappointed!**_

_They obviously had no idea what they were talking about. They've been urging me to get in his pants since I met him, and _now_ they complain when I finally do! Ungrateful…_

"Stay?" I asked.

"I couldn't move if I tried."

"That good, huh?" _I am the greatest_.

"Well, yeah. And you're lying on top of me," he teased. I gasped and looked at him, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Then I smacked him on the shoulder. Hard.

_Ego successfully deflated_.

He laughed and pulled me down for a kiss.

"God, I love the reactions I can get out of you," he said when he finished. I shook my head at him and sighed, reclaiming my spot on his shoulder.

"I'm glad I could amuse you. We'll see if I ever do that for you again."

_I was such a liar. It would probably happen before we got out of bed the next morning._

_ _ _ _ _

**A/N**: Lemony fresh enough for you? Sorry I made you guys wait (no, I'm really not).

Come see me on the thread for WIP at Twilighted. I don't bite. Unless you're into that kind of thing. Then I totally do.

The link is on my profile page.

Now, everyone together: REVIEW!

THE GIRLS WANT YOU TO LICK… ER, CLICK IT! (thanks, Stav!)

O O

\ /


	10. Chapter 10 The Morning After

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I am told the girls own me.**

**Big thanks to KnittingVamp7 for the super fast marker job. You are made of awesome.**

**Chapter 10: The Morning After**

I woke up with something heavy covering my face. I was curled into a ball on the edge of the bed, and there was a knee poking into my back. _What the hell?_ I reached up and felt the heavy weight that was pressing on my cheek. It was warm. I patted around some more, my foggy brain unable to decipher why I was in this position in my usually comfortable full-sized bed. I think I felt fingers. Which meant that they were likely attached to an arm. _Edward. Oh my God._

_**Yes, Bella. Oh my God. As in, "Oh my God, I wasted 400 million of Edward's potential children last night!"**_

_Holy shit! I didn't dream that? _I heard soft snoring coming from his side of the bed. _Edward snores?_ _Sex Hair snores! _ I giggled a bit at the sound. His snore was definitely more tolerable than Jake's hurricane-force wind sound. I lifted his hand off of my face and onto the pillow above my head. Turning towards him as much as I was able, I pushed up on one elbow and surveyed the bed. Edward was on his back, spread-eagled with one leg bent at the knee. He couldn't take up more space in the bed if he tried. _Sex Hair's a bed hog, too_. It was slightly annoying, but as I ogled him while he slept, my irritation melted away. It was replaced with a healthy dose of lust.

The comforter rode low over his waist, giving me a great view of that lickable chest and those abs. _Ung_. I wanted to see what was underneath that evil blanket. Of course, I'd seen it last night, but although I'd become, er… _intimately_ acquainted with the object of my curiosity, I hadn't had a chance to _observe_. It was a perfectly logical scientific desire_. Sure it was. _ Keeping an eye on his face to assure he was still sleeping, I picked up the edge of the comforter between my thumb and forefinger and lifted it off his waist.

_Hello, my lovely_.

_**Our Precious... **_

_Were they always going to refer to Edward's junk as "their Precious"?_

_**Yes. Just so you know, for future reference, it's not supposed to go in your mouth.**_

_Oh, Christ_. I shook my head and dropped the blanket, trailing my eyes back up to his face. His features were completely relaxed and his lips parted slightly with every breath. Even the snoring and bed-monopolizing didn't detract from his handsomeness. I glanced at the alarm clock, which read seven-thirty. I knew it was useless to try and get back to sleep; I was too wound up. I crept out of the bed slowly, snagging a t-shirt and yoga pants from the chair in the corner of my room. I took care of bathroom necessities and made my way into the kitchen, trying to decide on pancakes or French toast. Both involved maple syrup, which I was positive would taste very good on Edward's lips.

_**Not to mention other body parts… except for the one that is NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN YOUR MOUTH. **_

I was getting really tired of their bitching. God help me when they realized I was on birth control.

My cupboards were bare. Jake had eaten everything that didn't require some actual effort to prepare, which meant I had no bread in the house. It looked like we were having pancakes. I discovered that I actually had a package of bacon in the refrigerator. Good thing Jake didn't cook, or that would have been gone as well. I set the bacon on low and got everything together for the pancakes. I'd just finished mixing the batter when a knock sounded on the door.

Who in the hell visits someone before eight a.m.? _It had better not be someone trying to sell me something or one of those guys that gives out the fake poppies looking for a donation_. I hurried to the door before they could knock again and wake up Edward. The sight that greeted me through the peephole was right out of my worst nightmares. Much worse than a traveling salesman or weirdo trying to put me on the path of the straight and narrow.

Jacob Black.

_Motherfucker_.

I took a deep breath and unlatched the deadbolt and chain. I'd thought Jake showing up couldn't be any worse. I was wrong. Charlie was right behind him. _Oh, God. Charlie would kill Edward if he saw him here._ I had to get them both out of here as fast as possible.

"Dad, Jake, _what are you doing here_?" My face felt frozen into that plasticized Barbie smile. That wide-eyed, creepy smile that _should_ scare little girls but for some reason never does. It sure scares the shit out of me whenever I see it. Barbie faces remind me of clowns. Clowns are scary as hell too.

"Jake said he forgot a couple things. We thought we'd drop by on our way back to Forks. We brought you some of that fancy coffee you like," he said, holding up a tray of Starbucks cups. _Meh_. I was a Seattle's Best kind of girl. I took the coffee anyway, because it was sweet of him to think of me. Even if he was currently scaring the crap out of me by showing up when there was a _man _in the next room, naked and asleep.

"Hey, Bells! I forgot my _red t-shirt._" His eyes were wide and his eyebrows went halfway to his hairline as he emphasized the words. _Red t-shirt_? I shrugged at him, clueless. "You know, the red t-shirt _Samson_ gave me?

_He's got to be kidding me. He brought my police chief father with him to pick up his BONG? This guy _deserves_ to get caught!_

"Do I smell bacon?" Jake sniffed the air like the dog he was, completely forgetting about the bong for the moment. Charlie elbowed him in the ribs.

"Jake, I told you to cut the crap with those 'pig' jokes. I'm a cop. It's offensive."

I laughed, covering my mouth with my free hand, since I didn't want to be loud and wake Edward.

"No, Charlie, I mean I really smell bacon!"

"Boy, you're going to be riding back to Forks in handcuffs if you don't shut up."

I decided to have mercy on Jake. "No, Dad, I was cooking some bacon. Maybe you'd like some for the road? I'm sure you need to get going, long drive back home and all." _Please, God, let them be in a hurry._

"We can stay a bit," Charlie said. _Shit_. "Aren't you going to invite your Dad in?" he chuckled. _No, actually I wasn't. You see, Edward is buck naked in the next room, and I'd really like for him to live long enough to actually have sex with him! _I stepped back to let them in anyway.

"Just, ah… be quiet… I have really thin walls, and the neighbors get pissed if I make too much noise." I could hear a slight tremor in my voice. I was seriously afraid for Edward's life.

"What are you talking about, Bells?" Jake asked, _fucking loudly_.

"SHHHH!"

"I played loud music in here all the time this week."

"I got complaints. There was a note on my door last night." _There. That was believable, wasn't it? _Jake shrugged and plopped on the couch, right over the permanent ass print he had created this week.

Charlie just shook his head and walked to the breakfast bar, surveying my mess. "Pancakes, huh? You must be pretty hungry this morning."

"Yeah, Dad… starved. Graduating really works up an appetite." I smiled sheepishly and flipped the bacon. _I have GOT to get them out of here!_

"I'll have some," Jake called from the couch.

"SHHHH!"

"Really, Bells," Charlie began, "surely you can talk at a normal volume in your own home. And I'll take a couple of those flapjacks." _Flapjacks? Where in the hell were we, the Old West?_

"Sorry, Dad, I'm just paranoid. I don't want to be a bad neighbor."

This was not looking good. I prayed fervently that Edward was a heavy sleeper. Charlie picked up the gun case from the shelf and opened it on the counter. I poured pancake batter onto the hot griddle and flipped the bacon again. I looked up and Jake was waving at me. He pointed to the floor, where my dress lay in a puddle next to Edward's sweater and t-shirt. _Fuck! Double fuck! _ He grinned at me and began making that "finger – in – the – hole" motion that represented sex to middle school kids. I flipped a pancake right off of the griddle as I stared in shock. _Get a hold of yourself_!

"Crap," I muttered. Charlie chuckled at me as he pulled the gun out of the case and began to rub it with the provided cloth.

"Still klutzy as ever," he said, shaking his head.

"You know me," I said with a nervous laugh. I took the bacon out of the pan and poured more batter onto the griddle. Then I put the syrup in the microwave and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I sat down next to Jake and offered him the water.

"You take the clothes and throw them in the hall closet," I whispered. "Your 'red t-shirt' is in there in a cardboard box. Do it, or I tell Charlie about Samson." He nodded and got up quickly, snagging the evidence and holding it behind his back. Charlie was oblivious, still polishing the gun. I went back to the kitchen to flip the pancakes. Jake crept to the closet in what I'm sure he thought was a stealthy manner, but he looked like an idiot to me. Then again, I thought he looked like an idiot most of the time.

Then it happened.

The door to my bedroom swung open, complete with squeaky hinge sound effect. Edward stepped out dressed only in his jeans with the top button undone. His hair was spiked in every direction, and he was rubbing his eyes in the cutest way. I dropped the spatula on the counter and closed my mouth, trying to prevent myself from drooling. He looked so sexy that I _almost_ forgot my father was sitting right in front of me. My father, who was currently holding a _gun_. My mind sorted through all possible outcomes of this situation; I couldn't come up with a single one that would end well.

He still hadn't fully opened his eyes. "Bella?" he called. I cringed as Charlie stiffened. He swung around, gun in hand. Edward finally looked up and saw Charlie. He blanched, his eyes widening. He took a step back, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace. _Oh, God. Wave goodbye to Sex Hair, girls, because there's no way he'll stick around after this debacle._

The girls began to cry.

"Dad!" I shouted. "Put that down!" I rushed toward Edward and stopped in front of him, pleading with my eyes. "I am so sorry about this… I had no idea they were coming here this morning," I whispered. I spun around to face Charlie, who stood there glaring daggers at Edward. "Put it down, Dad." My teeth were clenched so tightly I thought they might break. My jaw ached.

_**Maybe if you weren't putting things in your mouth that aren't supposed to be there, your jaw wouldn't hurt.**_

_Now? Really? I'm trying to save 'your Precious' here, girls!_

"Chief Swan, ah… It's not what it looks like?" Edward stammered, phrasing it like a question.

"Really, because it looks to me like there's a half naked man in my daughter's apartment!" Edward tried to push me behind him, I assume to protect me from the gun.

"Stop it, Edward!" I hissed. "He won't shoot me, I'm his daughter! Besides, the gun isn't even loaded. Charlie! Put it down!" I was still fighting his efforts to shield me when Jake tried to sneak by with his box. I yanked my hand out of Edward's grasp, accidentally walloping Jake on the back and causing him to stumble forward.

"Shit! What the hell, Bella?" Jake yelped.

The box went flying right at Charlie.

The rest seemed to happen in slow motion. Charlie tried to catch the box, dropping the gun as the box bobbled in his hands. Edward, seeing the gun fall to the floor, dove for it, taking me with him. We ended up sprawled across the floor, me on my back with Edward's hips between my legs. I saw the box slip out of Charlie's hands hit the floor, landing on its side. The flap fell open… and Optimus Prime rolled out, spilling disgusting bong water all over the place. _Son of a bitch! That shit is never going to come out of the carpet!_

I cringed. We were all going to die. I could see the headline now: _Small Town Police Chief Has Breakdown, Murders Three People_.

Edward was still hovering over me, caging me with his body and gripping the gun in one hand. "Are you okay?" he whispered. I nodded.

Jake lay on his stomach couple feet away, his eyes filled with terror.

"Oh, shit. I am fucked, dude!" he groaned.

"What the hell is going on in this apartment?" Charlie roared. He picked up the bong. "Who does this belong to?" I glared at Jake, threatening castration with my eyes alone. He'd better own up to this. He sat up and just raised his hand in a little wave.

"Billy's going to hear about this, Jake. And you're going to have to ride in the back of the cruiser on the way to Forks after all." Edward and I watched the whole exchange, fascinated. _Thank God for that bong_. It was taking all the heat off of me and Edward. I stared at my father and tried to stifle my laughter. The image of Charlie in his Forks Police Department t-shirt, holding a bong, was just too amusing. _Where was my digital camera when I needed it? That would make great blackmailing material._

"And you! Get off of my daughter!"

_Crap._

Edward got to his feet, tugging me up to his side. He wrapped his arm around my waist, hugging me to him. "Chief Swan --" he began, but I stopped him.

"No, Edward, let me. Dad, this is none of your business. You and Jake show up here unannounced, early in the morning, without calling. I am a grown woman. I'm not your seventeen year-old daughter anymore, and you have no say in who I keep company with or who spends the night in my apartment." I took a deep breath. "Now, you've been very rude to Edward. He is my guest. An _invited_ guest. I love you, Dad, but I think it's time for you and Jake to leave. I'll call you later for your apology."

Charlie's mouth opened and closed twice before he answered. I could practically hear the wheels turning in his brain as whatever rodent lived up there finally decided to get some exercise. "We're talking about this later, Bella. Jake, get your ass up and get to the cruiser. Don't make me get out the handcuffs." He glared at Edward as he spoke.

"Can I have Optimus Prime back?" _Oh, Jake. You must be down to your last brain cell._

Charlie turned the death glare on Jake. "What the hell is Optimus Prime? This thing?" He held up the bong and shook it at Jake, the water left in the chamber sloshing around. "No," he ground out. His face was red and I could see a vessel throbbing in his forehead. I caught Edward's eye and shook my head. When Charlie was mad like this, it was best to keep quiet. Of course, he didn't listen.

"Chief Swan, I just want you to know that I would never disrespect Bella. She's a beautiful and amazing woman, and I hold her in the utmost regard." I found myself grinning stupidly at his words. _He may be speaking in the language of nursing-home residents, but it still makes me swoon._ "She's very special to me and I'd like to have a good relationship with her family." I seriously would have dropped to the floor if his arm hadn't been around my waist. He met my eyes and smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. _Did that mean he was going to stick around after this fiasco?_

_**He thinks we're special! He thinks we're special! He wants to give us babies!**_

_Since when did "she's special" translate to "I want to impregnate her?"_

I chanced a look at Charlie; his expression seemed to be softening. I glanced over at Jake, who was waiting by the door. He was rolling his eyes at Edward's statement, making the jack-off motion with one hand. _Fucker_.

"Well, I appreciate that, Egbert, but I still – "

"It's _Edward_, Dad. And it's _my_ apartment. I love you, and I'll call you later. Time to go."

"You take that... thing and put it in the garbage as soon as I'm gone," he said, tossing Optimus back in the box roughly. Jake cringed.

"We'll take care of it, sir." _Sir?_ _Laying it on a little bit thick there, aren't you Edward?_

Charlie nodded once. "Thank you, Egbert."

"It's Edward!" I knew he was doing that on purpose and I didn't appreciate it. I ushered them to the door and quickly gave Charlie a halfhearted hug.

"Bye, Dad. See you, Jake." I waved as they walked down the hallway.

"See you soon, Bells!" Jake called.

"Not if you know what's good for you," I snapped.

I shut the door and banged my forehead against it. "FML," I whined.

"FML?" I heard his warm voice behind me at the same time I felt his hand on my shoulder. "What does that mean? You're always saying things that bewilder me," he chuckled. He pulled me into his arms for a hug. I rested my head on his chest and linked my hands behind his back.

"It means 'fuck my life.' I can't believe this just happened! If you want to leave and never speak to me again, I understand."

He laughed again. "Bella, why would you think that? He's your father; he loves you. I would probably react the same way if I was in his situation." _Was he really going to be this understanding? I think I'm in love… _

_**He said he wants children! We're in love!**_

The girls were really jumping to conclusions today.

"Are you serious? You wake up in a strange girl's apartment, walk out of the bedroom, find a gun-toting police chief holding a bong, and you're not running off?"

"Well, to be fair, he wasn't holding the gun and the bong at the same time," he said with a smirk. "Plus you said the gun wasn't loaded." I burst out laughing. _He was amazing!_ "I didn't wake up in a strange girl's apartment. I'd like to think she's my girlfriend, but I'm not sure what _she_ thinks."

_Whaa? _

My head snapped up and I stared at him in shock. It was then I realized that I must have been dreaming again. If I was dreaming, then I might as well grab as much satisfaction out of it as I could.

"Seriously. Charlie points a gun at you and you ask me to be your girlfriend?" I grinned at him.

"Not precisely because your father pointed a gun at me. You're smart, beautiful, you make me laugh all the time, you're not afraid to 'take me down a peg,' as you said the first night we met -- and you like gyros," he deadpanned. Maybe I wasn't dreaming. Dream Edward wouldn't bring up the Hot Meat Incident, as I liked to call it. I was still smiling goofily at him, replaying his words in my mind. "Bella? Aren't you going to say anything?"

"Yes." He smiled crookedly at me as I nodded. Then I attacked him, standing on tiptoe and pressing my lips firmly to his as I laughed. I nibbled on that sexy lower lip and tightened my arms around his waist as he slid his hands up my back to clench in my hair. I pulled back for a second to breathe, but he dove right back in, taking advantage of my parted lips to sweep his tongue inside. _I didn't need air anyway!_ I moaned, plastering myself against his chest. He walked me backwards until I was against the door, his mouth never leaving mine.

He dragged his hands down my torso and gripped my waist, lifting me higher against the door to make up for the difference in height. I wrapped my legs around him, fervently wishing my yoga pants would just disappear. _This is just like my dream! Now if I can get him to talk dirty… _ He eased away from the kiss, rubbing his lips against mine before pulling back far enough for me to see the hunger in his eyes. His lips curved into that half smile that left me dizzy before he nibbled his way down to my neck, paying special attention to the sensitive spots he'd found last night.

I buried my nose in his hair, breathing in his woodsy scent. Something about it was… off, but I felt his hands inching under my t-shirt and I forgot all about my sense of smell. I could only _feel_. I was pinned to the door by his hips; I could feel him riding against me right where I needed it. His hands traced lightly up my ribs, up and down, venturing higher with each pass. His lips returned to mine and I dug my nails into his back, drawing a low moan from his throat. He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, his hands stilling on my waist.

_**No! No stopping allowed!**_

_I second that, girls._

"I'm hungry," he said. "Did I see pancakes?"

_What the hell? Does the man have ADD? How can he be hungry _now?

"What?!" The hormones in my blood were preventing full sentence formation. Suddenly, an ear-splitting shriek sounded, scaring the shit out of both of us. _The smoke alarm!_ There was a layer of smoke hovering near the ceiling. Then I realized that the "off" smell I'd noticed was actually the stench of burnt pancakes. I ran to the kitchen to survey the damage.

"Holy shit! The pancakes are on fire!" I stared in horror at the flaming hockey pucks on the griddle.

"Have you got a fire extinguisher?"

"Um… no?" I had no idea if I had one or not. I hadn't bought one. The kitchen was one place where I was usually accident free.

"Where's your baking soda? I imagine these things will burn themselves out eventually, but we'll get the smell out more quickly if we get the fire out." _Was he smirking? Of course he was. He smirks at everything, and I just eat it up. _I grabbed the baking soda from the cabinet, thankful I had just bought a new box. I ripped the top off and dumped the contents on the griddle. The flames died in a plume of thick smoke. I coughed and swatted at the smoke, trying to clear it away while Edward opened all the windows in the apartment. Tossing the empty box in the trash can, I grabbed a kitchen towel and waved it in front of the smoke detector. The incessant beeping was driving me insane now that I wasn't preoccupied with saving myself from a fiery death.

_**There's a fire that still needs putting out down here! Hello?**_

The smoke detector finally shut up, and I was left with an annoying ringing in my ears in addition to the girls' whining. It was ten times better than the screeching death-sound from a minute ago. Edward came up behind me and pulled me back against his chest. I relaxed into his hold, letting my head rest against his shoulder and feeling like I belonged there.

"I guess we're not having pancakes."

"I guess not," I laughed. "I'm so, so sorry for all this. My dad, the gun, the fire…" _God. What else could go wrong today? It wasn't even nine a.m.!_

"Bella, don't apologize. You do seem to be a… magnet for unfortunate incidents… but I can handle it. It keeps me on my toes." He planted a quick kiss on my neck. I was immediately ready to resume our pre-fire activities.

"Edward? Why did you stop earlier? I mean, the fire would have put a stop to it eventually, but…" I hated how unsure my voice sounded. I needed to know what was wrong. He sighed.

"Let me take you to breakfast. We'll let this place air out, and we'll talk." I listened carefully to his words, trying to glean any hidden meaning from the tone of his voice. I came up empty.

"Okay. Let me get changed first." I ducked out of his arms and went to the bedroom, where I grabbed my Shakespeare "Prose Before Hos" t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I had just finished putting on a bra and panties when I felt Edward's eyes on me. I whirled around, starting to hold my t-shirt in front of me. _Wait a minute… he's seen more of me than this. _I decided to play the brazen vixen and torture him. I stared him down and stood tall, letting him look his fill. His eyes darkened to that verdant, mossy color and he took a deep breath.

"Need something?" I gave him a half smile to emphasize the double meaning of my statement. He swallowed convulsively.

"My sweater?" He cleared his throat. "I didn't see it out in the living room."

"Oh! I had Jake hide it in the closet, before everything went to hell." I pulled my t-shirt over my head and walked past him, making sure my body brushed his as we crossed paths.

_**Wrong way, Bella. The clothes are supposed to come OFF!**_

Mentally asking the girls if they wanted some cheese with their wine, I paused in front of the hall closet and glanced back at Edward. He was still frozen in the doorway of my bedroom. "Are you looking at my bum, Edward?" I said in a fake English accent. He burst out laughing. I grabbed his clothing and gave it back to him, patting him on the cheek. "Cheeky monkey."

He pulled on his sweater while I finished dressing. I gathered my hair into a quick ponytail and brushed on some mascara, and I was ready to go. He held my hand as we went down to his car. He drove us about twenty minutes away to Macrina Café in Belltown. He'd promised me the best pastries I'd ever tasted. They could be made of sawdust for all I cared, because I would be eating with him.

It was a nice day and we claimed a seat outside at one of the café tables. Edward went inside and came back with a menu, which he handed to me. "So which one is the best? You made some pretty lofty promises about this place."

"The Morning Glory Muffin, hands down. It's like eating cake for breakfast, but it has carrots in it. That makes them healthy," he said with a wink.

"Doctor recommended, huh? Carrots are good for your eyes, so I'll take one. With a vat of coffee, lots of cream and sugar." "I'll see what I can do," he laughed.

I sat with my face to the much welcomed sunshine and waited. The sun was fiery orange behind my eyelids. I had no idea what he wanted to talk about, but it must have been important. For some reason I wasn't worried. I wasn't sure why, but I was positive that we were connected in some way that would be hard to break. It was there in the way he looked at me, the way he touched me. Yet there were other times when he seemed sad and hesitant, almost like he felt guilty for having a good time. Maybe I would finally find out why.

"What are you thinking about?" I jumped, so absorbed in my thoughts that I hadn't heard him sit down. He placed a huge muffin in front of me, followed by an even bigger cup of steaming coffee.

"You," I replied. I couldn't help the blush that followed. He smiled in return, the charming crookedness igniting a slow burn in my belly. He stretched his arm across the back of my chair, his fingertips resting on my shoulder.

"That's good to know. You had such a beautiful smile on your face. I like that I put it there."

I loved hearing these things from him. That didn't mean I wasn't nervous about the upcoming conversation. I knew there was something serious he wanted to discuss. Better to just rip the Band-Aid off than to pull it off slowly and feel every tiny little hair it pulled out of your skin.

_**Get this talking shit out of the way, and then we can get back to the sex!**_

I made a mental note to have my testosterone levels checked because the girls were sounding more and more like testicles the longer they were deprived.

"Edward, what did you want to talk about?" I asked tentatively. He sighed, his head bowed and his brow furrowed. "You can trust me. I'm not going anywhere. You stuck around after my father practically threatened you with a gun. You're stuck with me now." One corner of his mouth curved up, but it didn't last long. I waited, hoping he'd have faith in me. He finally raised his head and met my eyes. They were sad and intense. I put my hand on his leg, offering reassurance in case he needed it.

"Bella… I'm an alcoholic."

****

A/N: So there you have it. The Big Secret. Some of you probably aren't surprised.

Come over to the forums at Twilighted if you want to chat. The link is on my profile page.

GiveUsAKiss413 – you are beyond amazing for pimping this fic in P & P. Like giant piece of picanha amazing. Shots of Patron amazing. Thank you.


	11. Chapter 11 Magnetic Junk

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did I'd be spending all my time trying to convince RPattz to run away with me and I wouldn't be writing this.**

**A/N:** Many thanks to KnittingVamp7 for betaing even though she has finals and a bunch of shit to unpack. She's the beta supergoddess.

Venomousgal, my Canadian friend, the nipples haven't made an appearance yet, but I'm working on it.

I was fail at replying to reviews this time. I promise I'll get better. RL has sucked hard lately, and I've barely been able to write. I apologize.

Enough excuses, you all aren't even reading this anyway, right?

*****

**Chapter 11: Magnetic Junk**

"Bella… I'm an alcoholic."

_Wait. What? Shit! How was this going to work out? I'm a bartender, for Christ's sake!_

I was sure my face was betraying every asinine thought that was flitting through my mind at that moment. I reached for my coffee with my free hand, overestimating the distance from my hand to the cup. I nearly knocked it over, but Edward was there to catch it. Our hands were joined around the coffee cup and I stared at our overlapping fingers. The coffee was steaming hot against my palm, but the feeling of his flesh against mine was almost electric. Right there, staring at fattening coffee loaded with cream and sugar, I knew that I could handle anything he threw at me. He was a good man who had made mistakes in his life, just like everyone else. He was witty, so polite, and sexy as hell. Definitely worth a little work.

_**Bella… isn't there a genetic connection to alcoholism?**_

_Shut the fuck up, girls. You had your chance to run the show last night._

_**At least we know he'll never have that "performance problem" that a lot of drunken guys seem to have…**_

I think they were properly chastised.

He was starting to look a little worried, and I realized I'd probably been staring at him with my mouth open for a little longer than was appropriate in this situation. It was a good thing snark could be relied upon in nearly every situation.

"So that's why you wouldn't drink my amazing _caiphirinas_. Thank God. I was a tad bit insulted, you know," I joked. I saw a ghost of his familiar grin flit across his lips, but it didn't last long. I began to regret my decision to make jokes. "Edward… you're okay, aren't you? You don't drink anymore; I've noticed that." His eyes were downcast, focused somewhere on the table. I squeezed his knee to get him to look up. "Do you really think that matters to me?"

"I wasn't sure," he began, meeting my eyes once more. "To answer your question, I _am_ okay. I'm in recovery. I've been sober for seven years." I quickly did the math in my head. A recovering alcoholic at twenty-one… my heart went out to him. It must have been pretty bad for him to realize he needed help at that time in his life, a time when most college-aged men were competing in Centuries and Cardinal Puff competitions every night.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward. This doesn't change a thing, you know. I still think you're amazing, even more so now that I know what you've worked to overcome." I watched as my favorite grin spread slowly across his face, and I smiled in return.

"You don't know how happy I am to hear you say that," he said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't want to scare you off." He unwrapped my hand from the coffee cup and laced his fingers with mine, resting our joined hands on the tabletop.

I laughed. "Edward, we met when I tried to break your nose with a very heavy door, and you were still interested in me. Let's not forget the incident with my father this morning. If anyone should be scared off, it's you!"

He reached over and dragged my chair even closer to his. I screeched as the metal legs scraped across the concrete and he laughed at me. "Bella, I've told you before, you make my life so much more exciting. I've had more excitement this morning alone than I have in the past year. I never know what's going to happen with you around, but I do know one thing: I'll have fun," he said, his expression earnest. "But I want you to be sure about this."

"Well, I am a little disappointed that I can't have you for a beer pong partner. I guess I'll just have to find someone else to be Barry Badrinath to my Jan Wolfhouse," I teased.

"_Das Boot_," Edward mimicked in a low-pitched German accent.

"You've actually seen _Beerfest_?" I laughed.

"Emmett made me go with him because Rose refused. It's one of his favorites."

"I should have known that movie would be high on Meat Sweats' list."

"Pretty damn close to number one, I think." He looked down at our hands and his smile slipped a bit. _Stupid, Bella! You're doing it again!_

"Edward… yes, I'm sure," I said quietly. "Very sure. I'm sorry about the jokes. I just do it because I want to see you smile."

He leaned closer to me so that our shoulders were touching. "I love that about you. Don't be sorry."

_Did he just say he _loves _something about me_? I fought to keep my surprise and excitement from showing on my face, but I was a poor actress. _Take it easy, Bella. It's just an expression. People say stuff like that all the time._ _Don't read too much into it._ Besides, there were lots of things I _loved_ about Edward, but I wasn't _in love_ with him. I knew it wouldn't be hard to fall in love with him, though. I was pretty damn close to halfway there already.

_**We love his sex hair, and those lips that do magical things, and his body… and that magnificent – **_

_Well, at least the girls had forgiven him for his past transgressions…_

I laid my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me. We were as close as we could get without sharing the same damn chair. I picked at my muffin with my free hand, working up the courage to ask him to talk about his past. "Do you want to tell me about it? You don't have to… but I'll listen if you want to tell me. I want to know all about you." I thought it might be easier for him to speak while we were like this, when he didn't have to maintain eye contact.

He sighed, pulling me against him a little tighter. The wrought iron armrest of my chair was digging into my side, but I didn't care. If he needed me closer to him right now, he was getting it. I couldn't imagine how hard this would be for him.

"Remember when I told you about my mother? When she died… I was lost. She was a single mother, and we had no other family. My dad deserted us when I was a baby. I was thirteen when she died. At first I was sent to live in a children's home. I shared a room with three other boys who were much older than me. I was a scrawny little bastard compared to them," he halfheartedly joked.

_Whatever they'd been feeding him, it sure as hell worked. He isn't scrawny now_.

_**There's definitely **_**nothing **_**scrawny about our Precious!**_

_Now is not the time, girls, even though you're absolutely right._

I tried to picture Edward at thirteen, skinny and red-haired, probably quite different from the other boys. I had no doubt he'd been smarter than most of them as well. My heart ached for that little boy, ripped away from his mother and thrust into a group home. I placed my hand against his heart and rested it there, hoping he'd take comfort from it. I certainly took comfort in the steady thrum underneath my hand.

"I had to make sure I held my own with them, so I did whatever they did. We stole things, vandalized yards, and generally terrorized the neighborhood. When they smuggled in vodka, I drank it. I felt better than I ever had since my Mom died. That's all it took for me to start drinking whenever I could find it. I lived there for about six months before Carlisle and Esme started coming around. I have no idea why they kept coming to visit because I was such a miserable little shit." He laughed sadly before continuing.

"They already had Emmett and Alice by that time, and I got along with them very well. They were all so nice to me, and I guessed it would be better living with them than at the home. The board that ran the home couldn't believe that I actually got adopted. I couldn't believe it either." He sighed and rested his cheek on the top of my head. "I kept it pretty much under control after I left with Carlisle and Esme, but I never quit. I was in college when things really started getting bad.

"I'd go out and get trashed with Emmett on the weekends, and no one thought anything of it. But what Emmett and our friends didn't know was that it wasn't just the weekends that I was going out. I guess you'd call me a functional alcoholic. I kept my grades up and I was a good actor. It wasn't until I got a DUI that they started to worry. That was the night I was in the drunk tank with pink fingernails, thanks to Emmett and Alice."

Oh. It was still a little funny, but… not.

"Because I was only twenty at the time, I lost my license for a year and got six months of probation."

"Is that when you stopped?"

He sighed. "No. It gets worse."

"You don't have to talk about it now, you know," I offered.

"No, I want to. I haven't really talked about it with anyone but my family. I know we haven't known each other for very long, but you're… you're important to me. You need to know if we're going to move forward with this."

"Okay. I want to hear it. You're important to me too." It was harder for me to say than I thought it would be, even though it was the truth. Part of me wondered what he was doing with someone like me, with my lack of ambition and aimless wandering through life. Life before Edward had been filled with class and silly movies and nights at the restaurant. Now, in the span of a little more than a week, I'd finished graduate school and met this wonderful man. When had I passed the road sign that read "Major Life Changes Ahead"? It was a little scary. It was time for me to actually get serious about growing up.

"I had Carlisle and Esme believing that I was fine. They just thought it was a phase I was going through. Alice was more perceptive. She knew there was something wrong, and she watched me like a hawk. We were both home from college over that summer and she caught me stealing Carlisle's car when they were out of town for the weekend." His voice was quiet, as if he wanted to soften the impact of the words. "She got in the passenger side and begged me not to do it. I didn't even have anywhere to go. I was so fucking stupid," he was nearly whispering now, the pain evident in his voice. He cleared his throat before continuing in a stronger tone. "I just wanted to drive. I was drunk. And I drove anyway, with Alice in the car."

He sounded so miserable that I felt my eyes sting with tears just from the emotion he was throwing off. _Everything is fine now_, I told myself, Alice_ and Edward are okay, so nothing happened, right?_ I blinked rapidly to clear the tears away. I didn't want him to notice and take it the wrong way.

"Alice was terrified. She kept screaming at me to stop the car, begging me to stop and let her drive us home. I laughed at her. I fucking looked my sister in the eye and _laughed_. That's the last thing I remember."

_Oh, God_.

"I woke up in the hospital with a concussion and a few cracked ribs. My family came to visit me, but the looks on their faces… it was awful. They looked so disappointed, and that was worse than anything else. Alice was hurt much worse than I was. She had three broken ribs, a punctured lung and severe concussion which bordered on traumatic brain injury. She didn't regain consciousness for three days, and until then they weren't sure she would ever recover," he said. He was silent for a moment, his fingers digging into my arm where he held me.

Lifting my head off his shoulder, I met his eyes, trying to think of something appropriate to say that wasn't a joke or potentially offensive. I had nothing. He dropped his hand from around me and put a little distance between us, hurt flashing in his eyes. He obviously thought I was rejecting him, but I couldn't give voice to what I was feeling. _What a great writer I'd turn out to be_. He focused his gaze on the table and began mangling his napkin.

"So now you know. I wrapped my father's stolen car around a tree and almost killed my little sister," he said sadly. "I'll pay for it the rest of my life. It cost me the trust of my parents, my brother's friendship for a while, and it almost cost me my freedom. It looks like it's cost me you as well."

I grabbed his hand, panicked. I was really blowing this by keeping silent, so whatever nonsense that would come out of my mouth had to be better than this. "No! No, Edward. I just… I don't know what to say. I know you don't want me to tell you that it's okay, because it's not." He closed his eyes and put his head in his other hand, obviously still thinking that rejection was coming. "It's not okay, but I don't _blame_ you. That's not you anymore, is it? I know it's not. Alice is fine now. _You're_ fine now. Look at yourself! You save lives every day and give hope to people who are in very short supply of it. That wreck and your alcoholism are awful things, but they've made you the man you are today. Things happen, and we just have to accept them and learn from them, and use them to make us stronger as people. I can't think of anyone who has done a better job of that than you, Edward."

He raised his head, disbelief and wonder in his eyes. I was pretty disbelieving myself. _When did I start sounding so… sensible?_

"If you want to get rid of me, you're going to have to come up with something a whole lot worse than that. You don't dress up as a clown and use your disguise to lure young boys to your moon garden where you kill them and bury the bodies, do you? You don't kill people and eat them, right?" _Oh, shit. __Did that just come out of my mouth_? He let out a choked laugh and stared at me, and then he laughed even harder.

"No, Bella, I am not John Wayne Gacy or Hannibal Lecter," he wheezed.

"You knew who I was talking about? How do you know so much about serial killers?"

"How do _you_?" he shot back.

"No comment." There was no need to tell my new boyfriend about my interest in the, er, morbidly weird, although he did seem to be knowledgeable on the subject… I shook my head. Another time.

I stood up and plopped down in his lap.

"Ooof," he grunted loudly. _Asshole_. He laughed until I smacked him on the arm.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you _never_ to make fun of a girl's weight?" I growled. He just grinned at me, making me want to smack him again.

"I think you know just how much I appreciate your form," he said, resting his hand on my hip and squeezing. I sighed and had to return that crooked smile. It really was sad that all it took to soothe my ire was one cheesy sentence from him. "Bella… thank you. I've never really thought of it like that. I was sure you wouldn't want to be with me once you knew what I'd done."

I planted a soft kiss on his lips before I answered. "It's in the past, Edward. I'm a little more worried about why you want to be with me. Is it just to prove something? By dating the bartender you can prove that you're stronger than your addiction? If that's the case, you need to tell me now, before…" I trailed off, not wanting to say anymore. _I _wasn't even sure how I felt. Thankfully, he either didn't notice or decided to ignore my slip.

"Of course not! That was more of a deterrent, to be honest. I knew I was attracted to you when you stood there all flustered holding that meat." Of course he smirked as he said it. "Then when I found out you were the bartender, I didn't know what to do. That's why I gave you my number. I mean, you probably get lots of numbers—" I snorted at that "—and you could toss it if you didn't want to see me. It took all the pressure off of me."

"How courageous of you," I said wryly. "You know all you have to do is turn on the tractor beam and any straight female will come running. You'd probably catch a few lesbians too." He rolled his eyes and then kissed me on the cheek.

"There's only one person I want to use the tractor beam on," he whispered in my ear. It sent chills down my back and heat into my cheeks. Unfortunately it also woke up the girls.

_**Pull us in, pull us in! We won't resist!**_

I couldn't help but agree with them, but I had the feeling I was already sucked in.

****

The next weekend I discovered that making a bargain with Edward was akin to making a bargain with the Devil. I'd made a huge mistake. I should have never agreed to Edward's little compromise the night of the graduation party. If I'd only listened to Angel Bella, I wouldn't be standing on the sidewalk right now wearing a brightly-colored cycling jersey and unflattering bicycle shorts. We hadn't seen each other all week because of our work schedules. Phone calls and texting were great, but now that we were together in person there were many other things I'd rather be doing than this. One thing in particular.

"This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen, Edward. There are _holes_ in this helmet!" I protested. His helmet also covered up his glorious hair, which was a crime in itself in addition to its poor brain-protecting abilities.

"They're there to diminish the weight of the helmet and so you don't overheat, Bella. It will still protect you, I promise," he answered, giving me that damn smarmy smirk. It was no longer cute. It was on the same level as a fucking snake-oil salesman grin. I shoved the helmet on my head and he stepped forward to fasten the chin strap. I stared straight at his chest while he did it, which was very nicely defined in the tight cycling jersey. I wanted to grab his pecs and squeeze, and then maybe run my hands down his abs to see if those bicycle shorts were as thin as they looked. That outfit should have been illegal. We both looked like complete pretentious douchebags, but anything that tight on Edward was guaranteed to perk up the lady parts.

_**We can see our precious! **_

_That we can, girls. That we can. _I'd discovered that his eyes were not the only part of him that had the "sexytime tractor beam" powers, and those shorts were not helping matters. My eyes were like a freaking compass and his junk was magnetic north. It was physically impossible for me to tear my eyes away for more than five seconds. He knew it too. He kept catching me sneaking peeks.

When he'd first asked me to go cycling, I'd said I would love to, but unfortunately, I didn't have a bike. Which really meant: _There's no fucking way, and thank God I don't have a bike that you can drag me out on._ Obviously the man didn't realize what kind of danger I could pose to the city of Seattle or the surrounding suburbs on two wheels.

That bastard bought me a bike.

A fucking _Felt _bike. I looked those things up after he'd dropped it off at my apartment this week. That damn bike was worth more than I made in a week. For fuck's sake, it was worth more than I made in a _month_! I'd tried to walk out the door to pawn it three times this morning alone, but I knew he'd be royally pissed. I'd also tried unsuccessfully to get him to take the damn thing back, many, many times. The stupid thing had about three hundred gears and gadgets I'd never use. _Whatever happened to the plain old ten-speed? With my luck, a bike with training wheels would have been more appropriate._

He finished fastening the chin strap and leaned forward for a kiss, resting his hands on my shoulders. I tried to take it further, but the goddamn helmets we were both wearing wouldn't let me press my lips against his as hard as I wanted to. Yet another reason cycling was the sport of the devil. I pulled back with a growl.

"Bella, you'll be fine. I have our route all mapped out and all you have to do is stay right next to me." He squeezed my shoulders and bent down a little to my eye level. "Okay?" He said softly, pinning me in place with the damn tractor beam and that voice that sounded just like bottled sex… _Stop it, Bella! _ I swallowed the drool I'd started to work up and narrowed my eyes at him.

"You make it sound so easy, Edward." I pointed at my chest. "You do realize who you're with, right? The accident magnet?" I asked, giving him my pouting face. It usually worked with Charlie, so I thought I'd give it a try on Edward.

He stroked his hands down my arms lightly, pulling me closer to him at the same time. I was forced to lean my head back to look at him. He linked our fingers together and brushed my wrists with his thumbs, back and forth. Goose bumps spread up my arms and I took a deep breath. _Mistake! God, he smelled good…_

"You don't want to go back on our bargain, do you?" he asked quietly.

"Hmm?" _He's so pretty_.

_**We can **_**feel**_** our precious,**_ the girls sighed. We really were standing entirely too close to each other for a public place, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was really beginning to like those bicycle shorts, on Edward, at least.

He smirked at me again, and I snapped out of the tractor beam trance. I scowled at him before answering, "Fine. I hope you have a first aid kit in that dumb little pouch underneath your seat."

He chuckled at me and shook his head. "At least I'm not wearing a fanny-pack!"

"Edward, if you'd shown up here with a fanny pack on, I'd have to sever all ties with you." I was serious. Fanny-packs were a definite deal-breaker.

"Bella, so shallow!" he laughed, trying and failing to look shocked. "Don't worry, I have band-aids and we're not going far. We'll have fun, I promise."

"Okay," I said grudgingly. I was mostly faking. I was pretty sure he could talk me into giving him a kidney if he tried hard enough.

_**We have something we can donate!**_

_Sweet baby Jesus, save me from my lady parts._

He gave me another one of those infuriatingly light kisses before letting go of one hand and dragging me over to the bike. "Come on," he said excitedly. I couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. He held the bike steady for me as I threw one leg over the bar and settled on the seat. The rock hard, lady-part smashing seat.

"I'm fine, Edward," I said, shooing him away. My eyes were drawn to backside in those tight shorts as he turned his back to me. _Gah_. I was going to need a bib if I kept this up. I wanted to ride behind him the whole way. I'd follow that ass anywhere like a horse trotting after a carrot.

"Ready?"

"Yes," I sighed. "Lead the way, _Lance_," I mocked.

_**Bella! Shame on you! Edward has **_**two**_** testicles… we've seen them, remember?**_

"Ha ha. Funny," he tossed back at me.

****

**A/N:** Yeah, so… sorry if this chapter isn't as funny as the others. It had to be done. I tried my best. Hope you liked it.

Thanks for all the new alerts and favorites, especially since it took me so long to update. I'd love to hear from you (hint: review).

A couple fics I'm obsessed with right now:

**Shadowboxer by nobloodnofoul**

**There Will Be Blood by LaraWinner**

**Venenum by Kyrene**

There was one more thing… what was it? Oh, yeah! REVIEW! Do it for the girls. They were neglected this chapter. They've promised a teaser in exchange for a review (there's also a rumor that there is lemonade in the next chapter). They wanted me to ask for a ridiculously high amount of reviews, but that never works, right? They'd appreciate any attempts to prove me wrong, of course.

O O

\ /


	12. Chapter 12 Operation!

A/N: What's this? Two updates in one week?

Thank you KnittingVamp7, as always, for your awesome track changes skillz and the super fast beta.

Mom: content warning. Read at your own risk.

Come join us on the Twilighted thread. It's fun, and there's lots of man meat and Rob pics. The link is in my profile.

I don't own Twilight.

*****

**Chapter 12: Operation!**

Edward was trying to kill me. Why did he expect me to ride on the _street_? I had to share the road with _cars_? Why? What was wrong with the sidewalk? It was definitely less dangerous! I saw my life flash before my eyes every time a car passed so closely that I could feel the air it displaced. I was convinced there would be no more movie nights with Angela, no more opportunities to make fun of Jake, and no more fish-fries with Charlie (okay, so maybe that one wasn't so bad).

_**No more Precious!**_

They conveniently forgot that _Precious _was the asshole responsible for my impending demise.

I concentrated on sucking every last molecule of air in the atmosphere into my lungs as we rode up every fucking hill in the entire city. I'd been ready to scream obscenities at him for the last hour, but I couldn't spare the oxygen. There was only one thing that kept me going.

Must. Follow. That. Ass. That ass was my happy place.

We rode for days, maybe weeks. The man was a machine. No wonder he looked as good as he did in that ridiculous outfit, because he was definitely in great shape. I couldn't believe that jerk dragged me all over Seattle on two wheels. My butt was numb, my wrists hurt, and the girls were crying because it wasn't just my _ass_ that had lost all feeling. "'We're not going far' my ass," I muttered to myself.

We ended up at Edward's loft. I didn't want to think about how far it was from my apartment. I made it, and that's all that mattered. At least I could leave the devil bike here and maybe I wouldn't have to ride it again. I thrust my leg out like a kickstand, barely holding myself up on the bike in front of the building. Sweat ran down the middle of my back and my hair was plastered to my head underneath the helmet. Miraculously, I had actually managed to stay on the bike for the entire ride. I was busy glaring daggers at Edward's back as I swung my leg off the bike and tried to catch my breath. Either my lungs were about to explode or they'd shrunk to a quarter of their original size.

_**We're dying down here! We need oxygen… make him give us mouth to mouth!**_

I grossly underestimated the strength left in my legs and promptly fell to the sidewalk, scraping my knee. It hurt like a bitch, but I started giggling uncontrollably. I think it was the lack of oxygen I was currently experiencing.

"The universe hates me," I said between bursts of laughter. Edward was there in a second, helping me up.

"I can't believe you made it all this way only to fall as soon as you get off the bike," he laughed.

"Really? _Really_? You don't know me at all."

"Okay, maybe I _can_ believe it," he answered. "Come on, let's get these inside and we'll get you cleaned up."

We left the bikes and helmets in the entryway of his loft. We kicked off our shoes and socks before I stumbled to the couch and flopped over the arm, my knees hanging over the side. I hoped I left a giant sweat stain all over his expensive couch. He came over and knelt by my side to inspect my scraped knee. He was wetting a cotton ball with peroxide and I panicked. My hands shot out and grabbed his.

"No! None of that fizzy crap. Germs are good for you. They build up the immune system." I said quickly. He quirked an eyebrow at me and sat the peroxide on the coffee table.

"Come on, Bella. Don't be a baby." He sighed, doing his best to look put-upon. "Do you want me to blow on it?"

"Yes. Can I have a sucker too?"

_**No more suckers, Bella. There's only one place for our Precious, and it's not in your mouth!**_

_Christ on a cracker, were they _never_ going to shut up about that?_

"Sorry, fresh out." He grinned and tugged on his hand; I reluctantly let go. He gently cleaned the scrape with the cotton. Too bad the devil juice negated his gentleness. I swear I could hear my skin sizzling. I realize I should've been used to antiseptics of all sorts by now thanks to _my_ history, but stuff that fizzes when it touches your blood is just wrong. _Wrong_.

"Are you sure it's supposed to do that? It sounds like it's cooking me!" He just shook his head and blew on my knee, pursing those beautiful lips into a small "o" that I just wanted to nibble on. My teeth closed on my own lip as I watched him, almost forgetting about the sting. He looked up from beneath his lashes and caught me.

"Stop looking at me that way, Bella. I'm trying to do a very important job here. It could save your leg," he said dramatically. "Ever heard of necrotizing fasciitis?"

"Oooh, Edward, talk more science to me," I said in an overly breathy voice, batting my eyelashes.

"As much as I would love to tell you about the joys of flesh-eating bacteria, you might not appreciate the details." One corner of his lips curved up as he screwed the cap back on the peroxide bottle.

"Flesh-eating bacteria? Like, _zombie_ bacteria?" I held my arms straight out in front of me. "BRAAAINS," I groaned, rolling my eyes in the back of my head. He shook his head.

"You're all done," he laughed. He stood and offered me his hand. I took it and he pulled me to stand in front of him, linking his hands behind my back. "You're a difficult patient, you know that?"

"I'm _difficult_? Maybe your bedside manner needs improvement," I said archly. "I wouldn't have to be difficult if you weren't such a high-and-mighty doctor."

"Oh, you think so?" He leaned closer, tightening his arms at the same time. I nodded.

"You're a little bit superior-acting," I said, struggling to keep a straight face. "You should be friendlier."

"Really?" he asked, dipping his head closer. I nodded. "How's this?" He touched his lips to mine quickly and pulled back, smiling.

"Surely you can do better than that." I barely got the last word out before he was on me again, his lips parting mine in a much more explicit kiss. I hummed in the back of my throat and threaded my fingers through his hair. It was still damp with sweat from our ride, which only reminded me of my equally sweaty state. I needed a shower. Badly.

_**Ooh, Bella! Shower sex! We hear that's really hot!**_

_Who were they hearing this from? Had they been communicating with my nipples? If they were communicating, they might be able to take over the world!_

His hands had travelled down to cup my butt while I finished my internal conversation. I needed to put a stop to this and get clean before it went any further. I wanted everything to be perfect, and while sweaty fucking in the living room sounded great, I had higher hopes.

His hands flexed against me and I moaned, trying to remember why I needed to stop, but his tongue was doing wonderful things to mine and he tasted so good…

I finally pulled away, breathing hard. He followed me, but I tightened my hands in his hair, keeping him at bay. "I need a shower."

"Good idea." He bent down and hooked his arm underneath my knees, swinging me up into his arms. I grabbed onto his shoulders for balance as he strode towards his bedroom and adjoining bath.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he sat me down in front of the shower and reached inside to start the water.

"You wanted a shower," he murmured into my ear before pressing his lips to the sensitive spot just below. I tilted my head back and promptly forgot what we'd been talking about. I closed my eyes as he traced tiny patterns on my neck with the tip of his tongue, his hands skimming my ribs before he grasped the zipper of the jersey and drew it down slowly. My hands dropped to his hips, where they fisted in the fabric of his jersey. We were pressed together from chest to thigh, and every inch of him burned into my skin.

His hands slid beneath the halves of the jersey, sliding up the bare skin of my belly to cup my breasts. I couldn't move; I could only feel as his lips made their way back up my neck to coast along my jaw. He nipped my chin, startling me. I gasped and he took advantage, sweeping his tongue into my mouth, sealing his mouth to mine and generally robbing me of all my wits. His thumbs rubbed my nipples in little circles as he pressed my breasts together.

I could barely remember to breathe, the lack of oxygen only intensifying the sensation of his hands on my flesh. He peeled the jersey off my shoulders, letting his fingers graze the length of my arms as he dragged the fabric down. He chuckled against my lips as he reached my wrists, making an effort to tug them away from his hips, but I was gripping them too tightly.

"Bella, let go," he said against my mouth.

"Okay," I sighed as he peeled my fingers away from his hips. The jersey dropped to the floor, and he skimmed his hands up my sides and all the way up my arms, raising my hands above my head.

"Don't move," he whispered, hooking his fingers under the elastic of my sports bra. I nodded as he pulled it up and over my head, the cool air causing my nipples to tighten even further, the sensation almost painful. He trailed his fingertips back down the length of my arms, sending goose bumps erupting in their wake. He finally cupped my naked breasts in his palms as he slid his tongue over my lower lip and nipped the sensitive curve. When he pulled on my nipples, pinching them between his fingertips, my hands dropped into his hair.

The small room was becoming warm, the air thick and moist with steam from the shower. Every sense was dominated by Edward: sight, touch, smell, taste; even my hearing was limited to the sounds he made. He dragged his hands down my sides, delving under the shorts to knead the curve of my ass. My hands clenched in his hair and I tugged on the soft strands. His fingers bit into my flesh and he moaned before kissing me even deeper, exploring every inch of my mouth with his tongue. He ground his hips against me, his cock pressing into my belly hard enough to be painful, but it was the best kind of hurt.

My hands went to the zipper of his jersey and I jerked it down, too lost to worry about taking it slowly. I shoved the fabric off his shoulders and he jerked his lips from mine, both of us breathing raggedly as we stared at each other. His eyes were dark and hooded and his hair stood on end even worse than usual. I felt a little thrill at the thought that I'd made him look this way. I'd caused that look of nearly uncontrollable lust in his eyes. In one swift movement, he jerked down my shorts and panties; I stepped out of them and he shrugged the jersey off his arms. The rest of his clothes were gone in a matter of seconds and he was plastered against me again.

_Was this really happening? Were we really going to do this?_

_**YES, PLEASE!**_

_Okay, now that was really getting annoying. Shut up!!_

His hands were tangled in my hair and he tilted my head back as he planted soft, wet kisses on my neck. He sucked hard just beneath my ear, grazing his teeth across the tender spot before he moved up to my earlobe and I gripped his shoulder blades in response. His hands slid down my spine as he nibbled my earlobe and his breath struck the shell of my ear, causing me to shiver. My knees nearly buckled, but he merely jerked me tighter against him, gripping my thighs and hauling me up against him before walking into the hot shower.

He walked me through the spray until the cold tile pressed against my back. The hot water stung my knee, but it was easy to ignore when I had Edward pressing me against the shower wall. He reached over and grabbed the bar of soap, working up a rich lather in his hands.

"No washcloth?"

He gave me his sexy grin, the tractor beam on full strength. It was completely wasted of course, because there was no way I was going anywhere.

"Why would I want a washcloth? I wouldn't get to feel you that way," he said, cupping my breasts in his soapy hands. He swept his hands all over me, spreading the spicy-scented soap all over before turning me to the spray and rinsing the suds down the drain. I was boneless.

"Best shower ever," I panted. He laughed into my neck.

"It's about to get better," he said. _I don't know if I can handle it._ He kissed his way down my neck and over my chest, licking up droplets of water as he went. His lips closed around my nipple and he sucked strongly, fluttering his tongue against the hardened tip.

"Oh, God," I moaned, digging my nails into his shoulders. He hitched my leg around his hip and pressed me back against the wall. "Don't I get to wash you?"

He released my nipple and leaned back, watching me with that smirk as he inched his fingers up the inside of my thigh.

"You can, if you really don't want me to do this," he said, his voice low and rough. The backs of his fingers brushed between my legs, torturing my sensitive flesh with a touch that was entirely too light. I whimpered and squeezed my eyes shut, bucking my hips to get closer to his hand.

"Edward…"

"Yeah, Bella? Do you want me to stop?" His thumb brushed over my clit, lightly at first, but then he returned with a firmer touch. He plunged two of those long fingers inside me and held still, placing his lips at my ear. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't do anything but breathe and feel.

"You have to tell me what you want," he whispered. He began moving his thumb over me again as he curved his fingers and thrust them in and out. His erection rode against my hip, and he ground against me with each motion of his hand. I just gasped, trying to summon the wits to answer him. "I don't think you want me to stop," he said. "I think you want to cum." He thrust harder and faster, somehow going deeper. I dropped my forehead to the crook of his neck, feeling my walls tighten around his fingers.

"Edward, God… don't stop," I finally gasped as the heat began to boil over inside. Release washed through me in waves and he kept the pace steady before bringing me down slowly. I let my leg fall from his hip; my legs were shaky and I clung to his shoulders to stay upright. He held me with one arm wrapped around my waist, while he cupped my cheek with the other.

"You're so beautiful." It was a soft whisper, really nothing more than moving his lips. I smiled at him and brushed his wet hair off his forehead. His hair was darker wet, shining with reddish highlights from the light above. His eyes were bright in his face, which was flushed from the hot water and desire. He was the beautiful one.

"So are you," I said, going on tip-toe to brush my lips against his. He tightened the arm around my waist, keeping me close to him as he rubbed his nose against mine and reached for the soap. He kissed me softly and let me go; I leaned against the wall, watching him. He was rinsing off when I realized I'd completely missed my chance to have my hands all over his soapy body. "Not fair. I didn't get my turn," I pouted. "You scrambled my brain."

He laughed as he finished rinsing off the soap and shut off the water. I was starting to get cold, and he grabbed a towel off the rack, wrapping it around me and chafing my arms. He wrapped a towel around his hips and took my hand to lead me to the bedroom. I planted my feet on the bathmat and yanked the towel off his hips.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

"I didn't get to wash you, I at least want to dry you off," I said. I crooked my finger at him and he came closer. I could feel the heat radiating off his wet skin.

"I'm not going to argue with that," he responded. I pressed a kiss over his heart and ran the towel across his chest and shoulders, down his arms, and over the ridges of his abdomen. Wherever the towel went, my lips followed. I looked up and caught him watching me, his lips slightly parted. I moved around to dry his back before crouching down in front of him and running the towel from his ankle to his thigh, being careful not to touch where he wanted it most.

"Bella," he growled. I simply smiled and started at the other ankle, holding his gaze as I slowly worked my way up his leg. He bit his lip as I reached his upper thigh. Suddenly, he moved, catching me under the arms and yanking me up his body, covering my mouth with his and parting my lips with his tongue. I let him in, sucking on his tongue and absorbing the taste that was spicy and rich and… Edward.

He swung me into his arms and quickly walked to the bed, tossing back the comforter and setting me down none too gently. He followed, settling himself between my legs and holding himself up on his elbows. His hand cupped my cheek, stroking down my neck and between my breasts, scraping a hint of fingernail over my belly before gripping my hip and pulling me tighter against him. I hooked my leg around his hip and his cock fell right into place, resting against my slit insistently. He groaned and shifted against me, the friction eased by my wetness.

"I can't wait, Bella. Tell me you want this."

_Was he_ serious?

"Yes, Edward. I want _you_," I whispered. He leaned away from me, grabbing a condom from the nightstand. He sat up on his heels and ripped open the packet. I stilled his hand, taking the foil packet in one hand and wrapping my fingers around his erection with the other. His eyes were heavy-lidded, almost shut, only a thin sliver of brilliant green showing through. He was breathing hard and I was momentarily distracted by the shifting of his toned muscles.

I stroked him once, tightening my grip as I reached the head. He moaned deep in his throat and covered my hand with his, our hands stroking him one more time before he squeezed his eyes shut and pulled me away.

"I can't take much more," he said hoarsely. "I want to be inside you when I cum. I _need _to be…"

"I want you, Edward," I said, rolling the condom down his shaft. He pressed me back against the pillows and kissed me, biting and licking at my mouth, threading his hand in my hair, winding it around his fist to hold me still. He tugged sharply, causing me to gasp and open my eyes to meet his lust-darkened ones.

"You don't know how long I've waited for you," he rasped, then pressed into me in deep nudges until he was buried to the hilt. Nothing had ever felt so good. He never moved his eyes away from mine, those green irises marking my soul, claiming it in a way very similar to the way he claimed my body. He pulled almost all the way out, slowly, letting me feel every bit of him. He thrust back in, quick and hard. I was wrong. Nothing had ever felt better than _that_. He reached back with one hand, pulling my leg high against his side and then grabbing my hip in an unyielding grip. He drove into me again and again, setting a pace that had me shaking with pleasure in a matter of minutes.

"Like that, Edward, just like that," I panted, clutching at his shoulders, feeling the muscles in his back flex. My nipples rubbed against his chest with every lunge. He slid his hand on my hip over just the slightest bit, enough to allow him to press his thumb against my clit in perfect sync with his thrusts.

"You feel so good. You're gonna cum for me again, aren't you?" He thrust harder, increasing the pressure on my clit at the same time. I tightened around him and hooked my other leg around his hip, digging both heels into the small of his back. I could feel the orgasm rushing towards me and my walls tightened even further. "Shit," he breathed, "come on, cum for me. Just for me."

My mouth opened in a silent scream as I came, pleasure rushing over me as he quickened his thrusts.

"You're so beautiful when you come for me." He pulled my hips even higher against him and thrust one final time before he shuddered above me, his hips jerking as he moaned my name and buried his face in my neck before collapsing against me. He shifted most of his weight away from me, still keeping me wrapped in his arms and my legs tangled with his. When we both regained our breath, he kissed me on the forehead and pulled out carefully, padding to the bathroom to get rid of the condom.

I lay there letting the thoughts race through my brain. I'd never had an experience that good before. Hell, I'd never had an orgasm that wasn't of the DIY variety. Holy Hell. That was a religious experience.

_**Bella? Where are the little swimmers? We're waiting down here!**_

_Uh-oh. That one was just, er, practice, girls. _ I didn't have the heart to let them know that practicing was all we'd be doing, since they were effectively shooting blanks thanks to the Pill.

_**Practice **_**does**_** make perfect…**_

I grinned and stretched, agreeing wholeheartedly.

"What are you smiling about?" Edward asked as he slid back into the bed, wrapping himself around me and resting his chin on my chest.

"Practice," I said dreamily, without thinking. The mental filter was long gone.

"You think I need practice? First you criticize my bedside manner…" he trailed off, pouting at me.

"You know what they say about practice. I think you might kill me if it gets any better, though." His face brightened and he smiled crookedly. "I changed my mind about your bedside manner. You need to be mean. 'Cause if you do that to anyone else I'm gonna have to kill them."

"Don't worry, that kind of bedside manner is reserved for one special patient," he laughed. "I'd better go call her now." He pretended to try and get up, but I grabbed him by the hair and held him still.

"Hey," I growled. He winked and scooted up to kiss me, nibbling on my bottom lip and coaxing my lips open with a slow swipe of his tongue. _Why was I mad again?_

"You're the only one, Bella," he said against my lips, giving me one final soft kiss before laying his head on the pillow next to mine. I got the feeling that statement was about much more than the joke. I hoped it was.

I played with his hair, scratching his head. He closed his eyes and moaned a little bit, leaning his head into my touch.

"God, that feels good. So much better than doing it myself."

_**That's what she said!**_

_Oh, ever-loving Christ! They did not just say that! Shut up!_

Ignoring the juvenile perverts down below, I sighed and let my hands rest in his hair.

"Would you like something to eat?" he asked. "I'm starving. You wore me out."

"_I_ wore _you_ out? Are you sure it wasn't the one hundred fifty miles we rode today?" I laughed.

"What? Bella, that was barely ten miles!"

I snorted. "Yeah, ten times fifteen!" He rolled his eyes. "It's a good thing I liked the sight of your ass in those shorts or I would have caught the bus back here." _Did he just blush? That was adorable._

"It will get easier, I promise." He pulled me closer and kissed my temple.

_No it won't_, I thought. _That would imply I'm actually getting near that bike again. _

"Let's order some food," he said, sitting up and tugging me with him. He went to his dresser and pulled out a t-shirt, tossing it to me. I tugged it on as he dressed in a pair of jeans and an old Weezer tee. He'd never looked better to me than he did in that moment. The jeans rode low on his hips and the t-shirt was just tight enough to show the cut of his lean muscles. His hair was crazy, as usual. I had the strange desire to take him out in public like that, to hold his hand and smirk at every woman we saw, because there was only one explanation for that head of hair. I smiled to myself and he caught me watching him. "What?"

"You look really hot in that. I approve." He grinned and came over to the bed, pulling me to my feet and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I think you look better. I might never let you go home," he said, that silky voice melting me inside all over again. "So what would you like to eat? I have a vast array of take-out menus in the kitchen."

"What did you have in mind? I eat anything and everything, except Chipotle. That shit is overrated." He laughed and took my hand, leading me into the kitchen.

"I don't know about you, but I could really go for a gyro." Yes, it was definitely possible to _hear_ a smirk.

_It figures_. _I must be rubbing off on him. _

*****

A few nights later it was my turn to pick the activity. I decided to go easy on him for now, because I still hadn't thought up anything that was even close to the amount of torture the bike ride had been. I might have also been just a little soft because of what had occurred after the ride.

_**Heh. That was a ride too.**_

"We're not watching a movie for my turn this time," I said, walking to the hall closet.

"Okay, I'll bite. What are we doing?" He leaned back on the couch, linking his hands behind his head, looking entirely too handsome for his own good. His eyes followed every move I made, and I knew he was going to make this difficult for me. I knew that look. This was going to be fun.

_**Oh, the things we could do with him in that position…**_

_All good things come to those who wait_, I reminded the girls. _Remember how well that worked out for us the last time?_

The girls sighed. They were way too easy.

I sat down next to him and plopped the game I'd bought this afternoon on the coffee table.

"We're going to play a game!"

He stared at the box, grinning like Ralphie with his Red Ryder BB gun on Christmas morning.

"You got Operation? I loved that game when I was a kid." He immediately opened the box and started pulling things out.

"I've never played, so you're going to have to show me what to do," I said, enjoying his obvious enthusiasm. I watched as he set up the game, dealing out the Specialist cards and stacking the Doctor cards on the table. There was a very ugly man with lots of holes on the game board, with microscopic pieces of white plastic in each hole. He looked like a scary clown that had been stabbed about fifteen times. "You can go first, and I'll watch."

_**We like to watch!**_

_What?! Little voyeurs. "We like to watch?" Why do my lady parts have the personality of a dirty old man?_

"Okay, first you draw a Doctor card," he explained, pulling the top card off the deck. "Wish Bone for 300 dollars." He showed me the card and pointed to the corresponding hole on the board. "Then you take the tweezers and pull it out. It's simple," he said with a smirk. There was a gleam in his eyes that I didn't quite understand, but I kept silent and watched him take his turn. He picked up the tweezers and deftly pulled the plastic piece out of its resting place, setting it to the side of the game board. "If I'd missed that, then you would get a chance to use one of your Specialist cards and get the piece, and you would earn double the money. When all the pieces are gone, the game is over. The player with the most money wins."

"That's it?" I asked cockily. "I thought this game would be a little more challenging." Well, shit. This wasn't worth wasting my turn. Dammit. _Wait a minute_… I grinned. "I have an idea! Let's play for real money!"

"Are you sure you're ready to lose your life savings? I was the Operation champion in my neighborhood back in the day." He made a show of cracking his knuckles. I was mesmerized by the length of those fingers.

_**Magic fingers… Very good for touching… Bella, we don't want to play for money! Let's play for sexual favors!**_

"What life savings?" I laughed. "I just got out of graduate school and don't even have a _real_ job yet. Besides, I'm not going to lose."

"I'm open to bartering," he said in a low voice that inspired some very naughty thoughts. "Come on, Bella, give it a try," he cajoled, casually slipping his arm around me. His hand rested near my hip, the heat of him burning through my thin pajama pants. He handed me the tweezers. "Pick a card."

I drew a card from the deck. "Charley Horse for 200 dollars," I read. I located the hole on the board and reached for the little plastic horse with the tweezers. Edward shifted his hand, letting his fingers sweep over my hip slowly. My hand twitched and the implement hit the side of the hole.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed. My heart was about to burst out of my chest. That was the scariest motherfucking sound I'd ever heard. Edward's rich laughter swept over me, but instead of inspiring the usual warm and fuzzy feeling, it filled me with a competitive sort of rage. _That jerk did that on purpose!_ He picked up one of his Specialist cards, showing me the Charley Horse on the back.

"Oh, look. I have that card," he said, grinning smugly at me. "Tweezers, Nurse."

"You're not playing fair," I muttered, shoving them into his waiting palm.

"Who said anything about playing fair? I'm going to get you exactly where I want you."

_**Oh, Edward. We hope you mean what we think you mean.**_

He didn't even look at me as he said it, gripping the tweezers in his fingers and going for the plastic piece. Heat began to build in my belly at his words, but I forced it back. I hated losing. He plucked it out with no difficulty, tossing it to the side of the board before handing the tweezers back to me. I drew another card and flipped it over.

"Writer's Cramp, how appropriate," I said wryly. I held my hand above the appropriate spot and took a deep breath. Edward leaned closer to me as I began to lower my hand to the board.

"Steady hands," he murmured in my ear. His hot breath sent every nerve ending jumping. "You need steady hands to coax the piece out…"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

_Motherfucker!_

"You are SO cheating!" I growled, throwing the tweezers at him. My heart was beating a mile a minute. This was the scariest game I'd ever played in my life. It was the board game equivalent to the boat scene in _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_ where the chicken getting its head cut off flashes on the wall of the tunnel. The thing looked like a massacred clown and emitted the most annoying and startling sound known to mankind. _This was a game for little children?_ I mentally thanked Renee for not believing in "mainstream brainwashing children's games," because this one might have forced me into a catatonic state.

"I am not cheating! I'm merely helping you figure out the game," he said, barely hiding his twitching lips.

"Go ahead, laugh. That will just make it better when I beat your ass." He laughed outright at that. "Draw your damn card, _Dr. Cullen_." Then it hit me. I needed to give as good as I was getting.

He pulled the Funny Bone card. He positioned the tweezers with the cutest look of concentration on his face. I leaned to his ear and whispered, "You're so good with your hands, Dr. Cullen. Such precise movements…"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

He dropped the game piece on the board and pushed me back on the couch, caging me with his body. He straddled my thighs as he dropped his head next to mine.

"What did I tell you about distracting me during the procedure, Nurse?" he asked, kissing his way from my jaw to the corner of my lips. I opened my mouth to reply, but his tongue was there, erasing all thoughts from my brain except for those that were hormone fueled.

I was just about to let Edward round second base when his phone chimed. We both froze, and he sighed.

"It might be the hospital. I need to get this," he said, out of breath. I nodded. He stayed right where he was, never taking his eyes off me as he pulled his iPhone from his pocket.

"This is Edward." His eyes widened and he sat up abruptly. "Hi, Mom."

*****

**A/N:** So are you guys happy? They finally did the deed. Was it good for you?

Huge, huge thanks to AngstGoddess003 for adopting me as her pet guinea pig for her article "Pimpin' Yo Fic: Eljay Style" on _The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster_. Thanks to her, I has a LiveJournal now, complete with kickass graphics! The links will be in my profile, once I get it edited.

Because I know you all don't have enough to read:

**Art After 5** by sleepyvalentina http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5027792/1/Art_After_5

_Summary: All human, OOC, Edward and Bella. Edward is a highly gifted high school senior. Bella is the only person outside of his family to accept him and treat him as her equal._

It's a very good story, and nothing like I've read before. There's a very original twist. Give it a shot.

No flames for hating Chipotle. I can't help it, I have functioning taste buds.

You guys did awesome with reviews last time. Holy crap. The girls want more. They're greedy bitches. Come on, show me how much you love me for that lemon.

O O

\ /


	13. Chapter 13: Take A Hike

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. Shirtless Robward's V owns me.

A/N: Round of applause for the Beta-Queen, KnittingVamp7.

So yeah… I'm nominated for best author at the Razzle-Dazzle awards. Hope that's not the fanfic equivalent of the Razzies. Even if it is, GO VOTE FOR ME. Voting begins June 30, 2009. The link is in my profile.

THANK YOU to WriteOnTime for whoring me out like the hussy I am to everyone who will listen, and to all the reviewers and people who've been putting me on alert/faves. And thanks for waiting so long for this update. Writer's block sucks. More at the end of the chapter. Onward!

**Chapter 13: Take A Hike**

Edward forgot to wish his mother a happy Mother's Day. Perfect Edward Cullen made a major boo-boo. I think it says somewhere on page one of the _Good Son's Handbook_: "Thou Shalt Not Forget Mother's Day Upon Penalty of Endless Guilt-Tripping."

I laughed on the inside. Okay, I laughed on the outside too. Granted, I'd like to think his forgetfulness was because his mind was occupied elsewhere, namely with me and our bike ride.

_**He rode **_**us **_**too!**_

_I really needed that testosterone check. I was pretty sure they had a male personality; it was just the age I was never sure about. They bounced back and forth between old pervert and horny teenager._

"Mom, I am _so_ sorry –" he paused for a moment, listening to whatever hell his mother was giving him. I watched him with my hand over my mouth, trying to hide my smile. My shoulders shook with suppressed laughter and I was sure he could see it. He stood up and began nervously pacing; I watched the show, still sprawled out where he'd left me on the couch.

He was so cute like that; all flustered with his hair flying everywhere from my hands in it after our game of Operation. I could hear snippets of his mother's voice as she continued to lay into him. I felt bad for him, I really did. He looked so pitiful, like a puppy that had just been caught tearing up a very expensive shoe.

"Mom, it just slipped my mind… I don't know! I did?" He paused again, and I listened hard as she began a new ass-chewing. _I really should quit laughing, but this is just too damn amusing._ I heard the phrase "Sunday brunch" and something else I couldn't quite decipher before his eyebrows shot up nearly to his hair. "What was I _doing_?"

I burst out laughing at his comical expression. I was sure his mother had no desire to know what – or should I say _whom_ – he'd been doing.

_**He was doing us!**_

_The girls were masters of stating the obvious._

"I, ah… I had a date," he practically squeaked into the phone. I heard his mother clearly this time as she repeated his sentence, her voice high-pitched and tinny through the speaker. He winced and jerked the phone a foot away from his ear. She was so loud it sounded like he'd put her on speakerphone. I laughed even harder, a tear leaking out of the corner of my eye. Scowling at me, he held a finger up to his lips in the universal "SHUSH" signal.

I kept laughing, clutching my stomach, unable to stop. He grinned widely all of a sudden, his mossy green eyes taking on that indecent sparkle I so loved to see but usually meant some sort of trouble for me.

"Yes, Mom, that _is_ her you just heard. She's laughing at me," he said slyly. My smile faded and I finally quit laughing in time to realize this could be bad. "She'd love to talk to you, Mom. Meet Bella." He had the biggest shit-eating smirk on his lips. I knew I was in for it, but _God_, he was so hot when he smirked like that.

_Damn him for being so fucking sexy!_ My brain was screaming at my legs to get up and run away, but all I could do was lie there as he thrust the phone into my hand. Like the dumbass I was, I took it and held it up to my ear. He sat down on the end of the couch and settled my feet in his lap, staring at me with an eyebrow raised in challenge. _He was so getting it_.

"Hi?" Yeah, it was a question. I was terrified.

_Hi, Edward's mom. Esme, right? Yes, I was busy fucking your son senseless Sunday morning, that's why he missed Mother's Day Sunday Brunch._

"Bella?" Her voice was warm and friendly, and she actually sounded _happy_ to speak to me.

"Yes, Mrs. Cullen?" Even though she sounded perfectly nice, the prospect of speaking to Edward's mother had caused me to regress back to my painfully shy and socially awkward high-school years. _Speak, Bella! Speak!_

"Please, call me Esme. It's so nice to speak to you," she said. "You must be the Bella Alice was telling me about." So far she was all happy rainbows, sunshine, and cute, fuzzy bunnies. Anyone who's familiar with the John Cusack classic _One Crazy Summer_ knows that fuzzy bunnies are the epitome of all evil and _always_ mean trouble for our hero (or in my case, heroine). I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely she was just trying to lull me into complacency before she went in for the kill. I had made Edward forget Mother's Day. That had to be on the top of "The List of Things Girlfriends Should Never Do," right above flirting with your boyfriend's father.

"I guess? Unless she knows two Bellas?" _God. Could I be any more of a dweeb?_ I banged my head on the arm of the couch twice and squeezed my eyes shut. I heard Edward snickering at the other end of the couch. I flipped him off and he laughed louder.

"No, just the one," she laughed. Score a point for Bella-The-Dweeb. She actually laughed. "So when is Edward bringing you over to meet us?"

"I don't know?" _Was I capable of phrasing anything _not_ in the form of a question? _I had a Master's in English, for Christ's sake. Edward was still watching me with that disgustingly hot smirk and I scowled at him. He slowly stroked the arch of my bare foot with his fingertip and I yanked it out of his lap, trying not to laugh. Damn my ticklish feet. He grabbed my ankle and pulled my foot back before holding his hands up to indicate he wouldn't tickle me again. I probably wouldn't have been so quick to trust him if Esme hadn't spoken and distracted me.

"Bella, please don't be so nervous. I'm thrilled Edward is finally seeing someone," she said warmly.

_Cute and fuzzy fucking bunnies!_ _Don't get sucked in! It's what they want! They lure you in with their cute, sweet little faces, and then they drop a bag full of bricks on your head!_

"I can't help it, Mrs. – Esme, I feel so badly about this. I would have reminded him, but my mother isn't exactly your conventional mother and she hates Mother's Day, so it never crossed my mind and I'm so sorry–"

"Bella, dear, it's fine. I blame my forgetful son, not you. You could, however, help him make it up to me…" she trailed off. I caught Edward inching his fingers toward my foot again. I tapped my foot against his stomach to let him know I was on to him. If he kept that up, I wouldn't be so willing to get him back in his mother's good graces. He dropped his hand to my shin with an innocent look.

"Oh?" I asked. "How?"

"Both of you come to dinner at our house Saturday night." Oh, this woman was devious. No wonder Alice was the way she was. I would have admired it if I wasn't a victim of the maneuvering. I knew that I had no plans other than being with Edward, so there was no way I could gracefully bow out. Might as well get it over with.

"Thank you for the invitation, Esme. We'd love to," I replied, watching Edward. His brow furrowed at the mention of "we." I suddenly wondered if I'd made a mistake in agreeing.

_What if he wasn't ready for me to meet his parents yet?_ _What would they have to say about their recovering alcoholic son dating a bartender?_ I tried to shake those thoughts off. He wouldn't have wanted me to talk to his mother if he didn't plan on us meeting one another, right?

"Oh, that's wonderful, Bella. Now tell me, why exactly does your mother hate Mother's Day?"

I laughed. "Well, my mother is a little… strange. She always says that Mother's Day is just as bad as Valentine's Day: another Hallmark holiday created by business executives to produce revenue and boost the retail bottom line." Esme laughed and Edward snorted, rolling his eyes. So my mother was a bit of a kook. I still loved her. As long as I didn't have to live within a thousand miles of her, we got along just fine.

"I'll have to meet this woman someday," Esme said slyly, like she knew something I didn't. I just laughed, because I didn't have an appropriate verbal response. Edward and I had only met a few weeks ago, and it was way too early to begin introducing our parents. Hell, I thought it was too early for me to meet his parents, but considering Edward had been nearly held at gunpoint by Charlie, I owed him one. "Bella, it really was lovely speaking with you. I'm very much looking forward to meeting you in person on Saturday."

"Me too," I said. I really did want to meet this woman who'd taken a big chance on Edward. We both saw the same intrinsic goodness in him. "Can I bring anything? Dessert? A side dish? Paper plates?" I joked.

"No, thank you, Bella. I'll take care of everything. No paper plates needed," she laughed.

"Okay then, Esme. Would you like me to put Edward back on?" I asked, smirking at Edward as he shook his head quickly.

"Yes, please, I'd like to iron out some details about Saturday with him."

"Here he is," I said quickly, shoving the phone at him as he pouted at me for not rescuing him from speaking to his mother again.

I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the arm of the couch as Edward finished his conversation. He sighed as he hung up and set his phone on the coffee table.

"Thanks for that," I said, eyes still closed. He chuckled and moved my feet off his lap, scooting behind me on the couch and pulling my back into his chest. There was barely enough room for both of us and I was in danger of falling off the edge, but I still felt safe with his arms around my waist. I rested my hands over his and just enjoyed the feeling of us lying together.

"I think you handled that fairly well," he said, his breath striking my ear as he buried his face in my hair. "I did enjoy seeing you flustered like that. You deserved it after laughing at me." He knew I was a sucker for his mouth anywhere near my ear. It just made me melt into a giant puddle. It also woke up the girls.

_**We know something else we deserve! Our Precious and its little swimmers! **_

_Thank God they'd kept quiet while I'd been talking to Edward's mother…_ I took a deep breath and tried to ignore them.

"You were cheating at a children's game! I had to retaliate somehow," I said, dissolving into giggles as he started tickling me. "Stop! Stop!" I gasped. I tried to hold his hands still, but it was no use.

"I wasn't cheating," he laughed, not backing off one bit. "I was merely ensuring my victory." His hands found their way underneath my shirt as I squirmed. I was becoming short of breath, the tickling quickly moving past the point where it was amusing.

Just as I was ready to elbow him in the gut, the movement of his hands slowed and he pulled me even more tightly against him. I was finally able to catch my breath and I relaxed into him.

"That's what they call _cheating_ these days?" I asked teasingly. "Christ, there's a euphemism for everything!"

_**We know **_**lots**_** of euphemisms!**_

_God, please no. Please... I walked right into that one. I have only myself to blame._

_**Hot beef injection… **_

_**Parking the beef bus in tuna town…**_

_**Crashing the custard truck…**_

_**Ride the baloney pony…**_

_**Park the pink Plymouth in the Garage of Love…**_

_Holy crap, that's enough! They're definitely adolescent males disguised as female reproductive organs. My ovaries have Gender-Identity Disorder!_

"Admit it, you had fun," he prompted. "At least until my mother called. God, I can't believe I did that."

I laughed at him a bit. "Well, you _are_ a man. Your sex in general tends to forget birthdays and holidays…"

"Does that mean I get a free pass if I forget your birthday? Because I have testicles?" His thumbs were moving slowly across the skin of my stomach, making me feel all tingly and shamelessly provoking the girls. _Like they needed any more incentive to make themselves known._

_**We love your testicles, Edward. They are our soul mates.**_

"I hate my birthday. Please feel free to forget it," I laughed.

"When is it?" he asked. "I need to know when it is before I can forget it." He was whispering in my ear now, one hand inching higher underneath my shirt. I shivered.

"No, you don't need to know. I've given up birthdays," I said weakly. _Surely I could resist? Surely I've known him long enough to build up some kind of resistance to his tractor beam-y ways?_

_**Silly Bella, you don't want to resist and you know it. And don't call us Shirley.**_

"Airplane"_? Really? _

_**Yes, Bella. "**_**Airplane**_**." We want Edward to man **_**our**_** controls. He's our Ted. He does have a drinking problem…**_

_It's official. I am insane. Why am I enjoying it so much? Oh, yes, it must be the sex god behind me…_

"I _do_ need to know, Bella. I'll tell you mine," he coaxed.

"Nope." I shook my head and he pressed his lips just below my ear, breathing on my neck and generally lobotomizing me.

"I know I can get it out of you," he said before nibbling on my earlobe. One of his hands was now resting high on my ribs, his roaming thumb _almost_ brushing my nipple. I sighed and arched my back as his other hand slid lower, the tips of his fingers brushing the skin just under the top of my jeans.

_Go lower. Please. Now._

"I really don't think you can," I said as the competitive side of me came back to life. I pressed back against him and rubbed my ass against his hard-on. I was rewarded by the sound of his harsh groan in my ear. I smiled to myself. Maybe _I_ could work the tractor beam?

His fingers flexed on my belly before his hand moved a little lower, under the elastic band of my panties… and then stopped. I almost whimpered. I pushed back against him again and he pressed himself against me, hard. _Yes_.

"I can always ask Angela," he murmured. I _heard_ the smirk again. _Was it wrong that it made me just that much wetter?_ "She's very informative. She lets all sorts of things slip… like nicknames."

_I knew it! I'm telling everyone at work about her Furrie-loving parents._

"So that's how you knew. I'm going to kill her."

"No need for violence, Bella. I'm flattered. Of course, I think my hair might be too orderly right now… do you think you can fix that?" he whispered in my ear.

"I don't know, Edward. I think I need a little more incentive," I said softly, grinning. He slid his hand down and cupped my sex, pressing the heel of his hand right where I wanted it while fastening his lips on my neck. The hand on my ribs moved up underneath my bra and he rubbed the pad of his thumb over my nipple. "Yeah, that works," I gasped, sliding my hand into his hair and gripping hard. I couldn't help it. He grunted as I tugged on his hair and he continued his assault on my neck, nipping and licking and just… _ung_.

"Tell me, Bella." His thumb stopped moving on my breast and his hand stilled between my thighs. _Oh, he was the devil._

_If I'm going to hell anyway, I might as well enjoy it…_

"Never," I teased, turning my head to meet his while pulling him down to me by his hair. I bit his full bottom lip before soothing it with my tongue, and that's all it took for him to forget all about my birthday…

The girls were pleased. So was I. Of course, it was only practice.

******

I sighed as Edward parked in the small parking lot for the Wetherill Nature Preserve. We were just a mile or two outside his adopted hometown of Hunts Point, where his parents still lived. It was a beautiful little suburb of Seattle with large homes set back from the streets behind carefully manicured lawns. Too bad I wouldn't be enjoying the unusually sunny weather on one of said lawns for at least a few hours.

I looked like I was going on safari. All I was missing was the khaki hat with a neck flap. I kicked the ground uncomfortably after Edward helped me out of the Volvo, trying to get used to wearing the old boots that had been part of the uniform I'd been required to wear at the sporting goods store I worked at in high school. They hadn't actually ever been used for the reason Edward was asking me to do today. At least they were broken in.

We were going hiking. Yay me. Why did I agree to this on the afternoon before I was supposed to meet Edward's parents?

I was seriously regretting making that bargain with Edward for about the hundredth time. Angel Bella whispered "I told you so" in my ear from one shoulder and Devil Bella flipped her off from the other. I couldn't believe I'd wasted my turn on that devil game. We were _so _watching_ Pretty Woman_ for my turn. If I could think of an even more girly flick, even better. Maybe I'd make him go along for a pedicure with Alice and me. Of course, the girls couldn't resist adding their opinions to my insane inner conversation.

_**It got us nookie… Eating the cream puff in the enchanted forest… Saucing the clam… Taking the jism trail…**_

_Yes, girls, nookie is good, but it doesn't make a bit of difference if we're in traction._

I was tempted to roll my eyes, but Edward was watching me. I didn't exactly want him to be privy to my pervy passengers. He might want to commit me to a mental institution.

"What are you thinking, Bella?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow at me. He was looking particularly hot in a pair of long khaki shorts and a long-sleeved t-shirt from last year's Black Diamond Olympic Triathlon in Enumclaw. His hair glinted with reddish highlights in the sun and he had on the sexiest pair of aviator sunglasses. I felt dumpy in my old ratty Offspring t-shirt and army-green khaki shorts. Seriously, what the hell did this man see in me? My boyfriend was practically an Olympic athlete and I was about the least athletic person on the planet. I hoped he realized that before he killed me. The sooner he realized the most he could hope for would be for me to be cheering him on at the finish line, the better for my health.

"Oh, I was just wondering who will take care of Charlie after I break my neck this afternoon and die," I said lightly. He laughed at me. I gave him a huge fake smile back and gestured for him to lead the way. He slung the backpack carrying our supplies over his shoulders and grabbed my hand.

"Bella, it's a gravel trail. I promise, you'll be fine," he said as we started off. The day was perfectly warm and sunny and the sunlight shone in dappled spots through the canopy, lending a cheerful air to the bright green leaves and creamy dogwood blooms that were everywhere.

We walked in silence for a while and I enjoyed the scenery, not the least of which was Mr. Edward Cullen himself. He'd catch me staring at him occasionally and grin at me while I'd pretend I was staring at something just beyond. We both knew that wasn't the truth, but it worked for us.

As we walked further into the woods the trail narrowed and trees grew closer to the gravel path. Moss coated the thick tree trunks and what little bark it didn't cover was occupied by thin, spindly vines. Leaves in clusters of three sprouted every few inches. Wait. Was that –?

I stopped abruptly and stared at the vine. "Edward, is that poison ivy? It is - I just know it." I thought back to the summer I'd gotten poison ivy. I'd just turned ten and Charlie had turned me and Jake loose out in the woods behind the house, and Jake thought it would be fun for me to pick the plant with the pretty white flowers and berries. I hadn't yet learned that listening to Jake was a very, _very _bad idea. Of course, I'd gotten him back when he'd had to go number two in the woods and asked me for leaves to wipe with. Guess which ones I handed him.

It was hell. It itched and oozed like crazy, and Charlie wrapped my arms and legs up like a mummy to keep me from scratching. By the third day I looked pretty scary. Charlie took me to the diner for dinner and the waitress asked if I had "the leprosy." Mortifying. To make things worse, everyone heard about it. The kids in the neighborhood called me "Mummy Girl" or "The Leper" for the rest of the summer. That was when I'd started refusing to come to Forks for the summers. Charlie met me in California for two weeks every summer after that. I didn't set foot back in Forks until I moved there junior year.

I pointed adamantly at the evil vine. "'Leaves of three, let it be!'" I said. I pointed at the roots. "'Hairy vine, no friend of mine.'"

_**Heh heh. You said "hairy vine."**_

_Great. Not only were they horny adolescent boys, they were Beavis and Butthead._

"Come on, Bella," Edward laughed. "I won't let it get you."

"It's looking at me," I said, keeping my eyes fixed on it as we walked away. I was convinced I would break out in a rash just by being within a five-foot radius. Since I wasn't watching where I was going, I promptly tripped over air and ended up pulled against Edward's side. He just laughed and shook his head as we kept going. We headed uphill for a while and I started to see large rock formations interspersed with the trees.

"It's really beautiful out here," I said when we stopped in a little clearing filled with large boulders, turning to watch him. Everything was lush and verdant, the typical green of the Pacific Northwest amplified by the rare sunlight. Edward tossed the pack down in a tiny patch of grass between two of the larger rocks and took out a blanket, spreading it on the ground. I leaned against one of the rocks and took off my boots and socks, digging my toes into the sun-warmed grass.

"Really beautiful." He was watching me with a half smile on his face. He crooked his finger at me and I came closer, rolling my eyes and barely keeping in the snort that threatened to escape.

"Edward, you have got to be the cheesiest guy on the planet," I laughed. He looked sad for a moment, but his eyes soon took on the "Bella's in trouble" glint.

"Oh, you thought I was talking about you?" he asked, then proceeded to laugh so loudly I thought I heard an echo.

_Jerk._

My jaw dropped wide open and I tried to elbow him in the side, but he caught me; I was no match for his strength. He laughed even harder at my pathetic attempt to injure him. Undeterred, I lifted my foot, intending to stomp on his arch. He anticipated that move too, sweeping my foot out from under me and sending me off balance. I yelped as I fell backwards, dragging him down with me. He tried to roll so he took the brunt of the fall, but we both ended up going down hard on our sides. The side of my head smacked the ground.

"Owww." I rubbed my head as we sat up.

"Bella, are you okay? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to knock you down!" He was frantically patting my arms and legs, looking for any further injury.

"I'm fine," I answered, laughing a little. "You didn't knock me down, Edward. I can do that just fine all on my own."

"But I should have never kicked your foot out from under you like that," he said. He noticed me rubbing my head and grabbed my hand, pulling it away so he could check out my scalp. "You hit your head? God, Bella, I'm so sorry…" I sighed, sitting there and letting him poke and prod at me, knowing he'd never stop until he got it out of his system. He spoke under his breath as he checked me out; I ignored it for the most part until I heard him start muttering things that sounded like "monster" and "selfish bastard."

"Hey. Stop it right now," I snapped. He immediately stilled, his hands dropping to his sides. He looked at the ground as he sat there, his jaw clenched. This was about more than the tumble we had just taken. I remembered the expression on his face as he'd told me about the accident that had injured him and Alice; I was seeing a replica right now. I put my hand on his shoulder, and when that didn't get him to look up at me, I put my other palm against his cheek. "Hey," I said, softer now. He finally met my gaze, his green eyes dark with sadness. "Edward, I'm fine. You can't blame yourself; I can trip over dust mites." His expression didn't change. I just wanted to make him feel better, and I had no idea what to do. "Talk to me? Is this about the accident too?" He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Let's just forget about it," he hedged. "Do you want some water?" He tried to turn and reach for the pack, but I wouldn't let him and he didn't try very hard.

"No, I don't want water; I want to know what's wrong." Seeing him hurting like this made me feel awful. "Are you ever going to forgive yourself, Edward?" I shifted position so I was kneeling in front of him and sat back on my heels. "Alice forgives you," I whispered, holding his face in my hands. "Your parents and Emmett forgive you. The only one holding you back is yourself."

"I know, Bella. It's hard… everything has been so wonderful lately. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it, or you," he said. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. He felt like he didn't deserve a girlfriend with terminal klutziness and a job in the service industry? It was laughable, at least to me. I huffed out a breath and leaned forward to press a small kiss to his lips.

Pulling back just a little bit, I said, "Edward, you do deserve it." I gave him a small smile. "All right, maybe you don't deserve to put up with all of my crap, and you definitely didn't deserve to be held at gunpoint by my father…" I trailed off, finally getting a little smirk out of him. As always, seeing him smile made me happy. I only wanted to comfort him when he let me see this side of him, the scared boy that had lost his mother. The little boy that was afraid he'd lose everyone else too. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and tell him everything would be okay, because when he was hurting, I felt it too. He was a good person, albeit a person that had made mistakes, just like everyone else. I hoped one day he'd realize it. I moved closer again and hugged him tightly, breathing in the scent of the surrounding woods and Edward. I started to pull away, but he held tight to my back. My face was inches from his as he stared at me.

"You _are_ beautiful, you know. Inside and out." I felt the heat creep up into my cheeks and my heart sped up at his words. I couldn't temper the smile that formed on my lips. "I could say the same thing about you," I said, resting my hand on his chest. He grinned at me and raised an eyebrow, and I quickly added, "Handsome!"

"That's better," he said, watching my lips. I licked them reflexively and he leaned closer.

"But you're still _beautiful_ on the inside," I whispered when his lips had nearly reached mine. He hesitated for a split second and I closed the remaining distance. He remained frozen for a moment, and then suddenly he was all over me, pulling me so tightly against his chest that it was hard to catch a breath. I slid my hands up into his hair and sighed into his mouth, sliding my tongue against his.

I scooted closer to him on my knees, and when that wasn't close enough, I straddled his lap. His hands were all over me, my back, my breasts, and my bare thighs underneath my shorts. One hand slid up under the leg of my shorts and beneath my panties, palming my ass, his fingers gripping me roughly. I moaned against his lips and he kissed me harder, slanting his lips across mine and filling my mouth with his tongue. I'd never seen Edward this out of control, and _holy hell_, did I like it.

Using the hand that gripped my rear, he ground my hips into his and broke the kiss so we could breathe. His eyes were dark with need and he stared at me like he was dying of thirst and I was a glass of ice water. I suddenly realized that we were in the middle of a public nature reserve, where I was certain it was very illegal to be doing the things I knew Edward was considering.

"I need you, Bella," he whispered harshly. "Edward, I need you too, but–" I was cut off by his lips as his hands snaked around my waist to unbutton my shorts. He nipped at my bottom lip and soothed the ache with his tongue at the same time as he shoved his hand in my underwear, immediately finding me wet and ready for him. I forgot why I was supposed to be refusing him.

"God, Bella," he moaned against my lips. "Stand up." My brain was completely gone, so when he removed his hand from my shorts, I did as he asked. He yanked my shorts and panties down quickly, guiding me to step out of them. Cool air blowing where it shouldn't be woke up some of my brain cells and I realized I was standing in the middle of the woods naked from the waist down.

"Shit, Edward! This is illegal!" I bent and reached for my shorts again, but he tugged me back into his lap.

"There's no one out here," he said, his hands going to my hips and pulling me into him again. I couldn't help the little moan that escaped. He planted his lips just below my ear because he knew all the spots guaranteed to make me lose my mind. "I need you now, Bella," he said again. His hand brushed against my clit as he worked the button of his shorts. The sound of the zipper was harsh in the quiet valley between the rocks. I couldn't believe I was about to do this. I was shaking, half with fear we'd be caught and half with arousal. No one had ever made me feel like Edward did. I forgot the world when I was with him.

I looked down as he released himself from his boxers and I knew I was lost. I'd do whatever he wanted me to. He kissed me hard once and reached into the pack, pulling out a condom. I laughed.

"Awfully sure of yourself."

"A guy can hope," he said, trying to smirk, but he was too far gone for jokes. He quickly ripped open the packet and had the condom on in seconds. He kissed me roughly and gripped my hips, lifting me enough to position himself, and then he was deep inside me. I bucked my hips against his, but the firm grip he had on my hips didn't allow me much movement. "You feel so good," he said against my lips as finally loosened his grip on my hips and I took over, meeting his hips with my own.

Hyper-aware of our surroundings and terrified we'd be caught, I pleaded, "Hurry, Edward!" I dug my fingers into his shoulders and he trailed his lips down to my neck, burying his face in my shoulder. He worked his hand in between us, brushing his thumb against my clit in tiny circles. I purposely clenched my inner muscles around him, intensifying the feeling of him inside me. He groaned against my skin when I did it again.

"You're perfect, Bella," he whispered. He added more pressure where his thumb rubbed against me and I could feel my orgasm building. He scraped his teeth over the sensitive spot where my neck met my shoulder, and I was gone.

"I'm cumming," I gasped. I tried to stifle my moan as I came, clutching Edward's shoulders and pressing my face to his neck.

"So good, Bella, so good." He gripped my hips again and guided my movements, thrusting one last time before he pulsed inside me, groaning my name.

We sat there in between the boulders, wrapped tightly around one another while we caught our breath. He finally lifted his head from my shoulder and I returned his gaze. He brushed my hair back off my forehead and gave me my favorite crooked smile.

I wasn't sure what had just happened. I just knew I'd do anything to make him smile, and I thought about him all the time. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last thing in my mind when I fell asleep. It was a little scary, but when I looked into his eyes I thought he felt the same way.

He helped me up and I put my underwear and shorts back on while he looked for somewhere to dispose of the condom. I had a little laugh at him as he looked around in vain for something to wrap it in so we could get it to the nearest trash can. There was no way I'd just let him leave it there, because that was just gross.

_**What's he doing with the little swimmers, Bella?**_

_Oh, Lord._

_**You know the Lord doesn't like it when little swimmers are wasted…**_

Something about that line struck me as familiar. _Surely they wouldn't… _ Then they sang:

"_**Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate…"**_

_So the girls were Monty Python fans? At least they had good taste. _

As I watched Edward pack up, I knew three things: First, I had talking ovaries with their own distinctive personality. Second, there was a part of me, and I didn't know how dominant that part might be–

_**Very dominant. Just give us a flogger and we'll show him. **_

–that wanted to have Edward Cullen's babies. And third, I wasn't sure if either one of the first two things bothered me.

*****

_A/N: Tune in next time for dinner, _Meet the Parents_ style!_

_My recs for this week (In alphabetical order, 'cause the girls are anal like that):_

**Bad Habit**_** by Amry Marie **__(She's the one who suggested calling E's junk "The Precious," so you know this shit will be funny as hell.):_

Bella has a bad habit. She's been secretly involved and secretly in love w/her friend's brother for yrs. Will they ever admit their love or will misunderstandings, interfering friends & betrayal help them kick the habit? AH/AU/OOC, Rated M

http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5007065/1/**Say It Out Loud**_** by Mombailey**__ (Just read it. Two chapters in and she's already thrown in Psycho, The Shining, and Edward having to sleep on top of the disgusting comforter at a roadside motel in ROOM 1408!!!):_

Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black have reached crossroads in their lives. Unwilling to let destiny run them over, they each have made decisions to face their future head-on. What events will make them open their mouths and say it out loud?

http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5102921/1/Say_It_Out_Loud

_Sorry for the long A/N. Hope you actually read it. You never know when I might stick one in a lemon. Where are you, LadyQE? I miss u._


	14. Chapter 14 Provoking the Precious

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Twilight_. I do own a menagerie of geriatric animals and a husband who's obsessed with mowing the lawn in the patterns found on baseball fields.

**I wrote a one shot for the Age of Edward Contest. I chose 1960s Edward at Woodstock, and it's called "Save Your Love." Check it out (and review, because you know I'm a whore like that). Obviously, the link is in my profile, under My Stories. **

**THANK YOU** to my betas, zetas, omegas and any other letter of the Greek alphabet you want to throw in (In alphabetical order, 'cause you know the girls are anal bitches):

**Isabella303**, Idea Bouncer Extraordinaire and Yellow Highlighter Dominatrix – without her, the girls would have never argued for joint shower privileges.

**KnittingVamp7**, Comma Container and Capitalization Crusader

*********

**Chapter 14: Provoking the Precious**

"God, Bella, you're heavy," Edward groaned when I hopped on his back. _Would the man never learn to quit making comments about my weight? _

After the Attack of Emo Edward in the woods, I wasn't cutting him any slack. He seemed to be feeling better after our lewd and lascivious act in the clearing. Who knew that doing something that was probably a felony in Kansas would be a fix for his emo episodes? I was going to take advantage of his better mood and catch myself a ride. The man was wearing me out.

"Tough titties, Edward," I retorted, hitching myself a little higher against his back. I also may have allegedly tightened my forearm just a bit too much around his neck. Allegedly on purpose. He coughed and I let go. "You're the one who wanted to take a hike today. Then you decided to have your wicked way with me in the woods. Can you blame me for being simply too exhausted to walk the rest of the way to the car?" I leaned my head over his shoulder and caught him smirking again. He just _loved_ to push my buttons.

_**But… he pushes our button so well, Bella!**_

_He really did, but I've agreed with them enough lately. They're getting a little cocky._

…

_Really? Nothing, girls? I left the door wide open there. Huh. Maybe they're quieting down a little, or at least maturing…_

"Come on, it's only fifty feet to the car. You can make it," he said, pretending like he was about to drop me. I held on tightly, like some type of arachnid – slash – primate.

"Nope. I don't think I can." I leaned forward again to whisper in his ear. "My legs are a little shaky… I have no idea why."

"Forgot already, did you? You know, if I didn't have to carry you to the car, we might have had time for me to remind you…" he trailed off, sighing. I reached back and smacked him on his perfect behind. Well, I tried to anyway. I think I might have hit his hip.

"Giddyup, Buttercup," I said. "You're not getting off that easily."

"Buttercup?" he laughed. "Can't I have a more manly horse name? I think I'm insulted."

"Buttercup is a very distinguished name, I'll have you know. Remember Princess Buttercup in _The Princess Bride_?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"Princess Buttercup," he said flatly. "Thanks."

"What about Buttercup the horse in _Half Baked_?" I laughed out loud this time.

"Oh, thank you, Bella. You named me after the farting diabetic horse in a stoner movie!"

"'Hey girl, ya hungry?'" I laughed close to his ear.

"That's it," he growled, running the last few yards to the car. _Guess I'm not that heavy after all._ I slid down his back and stepped back quickly as he whipped around. He looked a little pissed… and a whole lot sexy. I shrugged the heavy backpack off my shoulders and let it drop to the pavement.

"What, Edward? I was just asking!" Oh, I was so tongue-in-cheek.

_**Hopefully it will be Edward's tongue!**_

Of course, I completely agreed.

He advanced on me and I played along, quickly realizing he was herding me up against the car. I went willingly.

"Really, Edward, there are Clif Bars in the backpack…" Teasing Edward always got me results.

"You seem to be operating under the misapprehension that I am female. '_Princess_ Buttercup'. 'Hey _girl,_ ya hungry'?" he mocked, pressing me against the car with his body. I tried to raise my hands to his face in order to calm him down, but he grabbed both my wrists and pinned them to my sides.

"Leave them there." His voice was rough and I sucked in a breath, biting my lip, feeling heat sweep throughout my whole body. His hands moved, one rounding my waist and settling at the small of my back, the other traveling up my torso to encircle my neck. His mouth covered mine, all teeth and tongue and demanding lips.

_Note to self: Call Edward girly names more often._

His fingers were warm and firm against my neck. I trusted him completely with one of the most vulnerable parts of my body. He was pressed against me from chest to thigh as he thrust his tongue in my mouth, his hand cupping my throat, my pulse fluttering against his hand. He owned me completely in that moment. My hands hung at my sides, clenched into fists as we kissed. My fingers itched with the need to touch him and my knees trembled.

"Mommy, what is that man doing to the lady?" I heard, the sound punctuated by the slamming of a car door and laughter. We'd been so wrapped up in each other that we'd failed to notice a car pulling into the parking lot. Edward yanked his mouth from mine and put a few inches between us, his breathing labored. His eyes were the color of the pine forest at dusk and filled with unsatisfied lust.

"Tonight, Bella," he said roughly. "After tonight, you'll never associate me with anything female, ever again." It was a promise that only stoked the fire burning in my gut.

"'Kay," I sighed, licking my lips as he patted his pockets, looking for his keys – the keys that were currently in one of the zippered pockets of the backpack. I suppressed a smile and bent over, quietly removing the keys and walking to the driver's side. Once I was there, I hit the button to unlock the car and quickly slid into the driver's seat. I had the seat adjusted for my size before he realized what I'd done. He tapped on the window, jerking his thumb over his shoulder.

_Oh, he wants me to get out? Fat chance._

I cracked the window. "Get the backpack and get in, will you?" I smiled sweetly as he scowled at me. I waved my fingers at him and he gave up, turning on his heel and stalking to the passenger side. He plopped down in the seat and slammed the door. "Edward! Be careful! You have to be gentle with this fine piece of Swedish machinery," I said teasingly.

"_Be gentle_ is right, Bella! I _never _let anyone drive my car," he muttered, shaking his head.

"Don't worry, Edward, I won't hurt your precious baby."

_**You'd better not, or he won't let us have OUR Precious!**_

I flipped the girls the mental bird.

"Hey, will you get my iPod? It's in the pack somewhere." He rummaged around and found my Nano, and I attached it to the auxiliary cable. He still looked put-upon, and he sighed dramatically. I shook my head and started the car, smiling at the smooth purr of the engine. Those Cullens really _had_ rubbed off on me…

_**One of them has rubbed ON you… and you liked it.**_

_We're back to immature teenage boy again. _

I thumbed through my music library, looking for the perfect driving song. _Yes!_ I pressed 'Play,' cranked up the volume, and threw it into reverse as the car filled with the sound of funky bass guitar.

_Hey man, you know I'm really okay…_

"Bella, you've gotta be kidding me…" he groaned. I grinned at him and began to sing along as I peeled out of the parking lot.

"_The gun in my hand will tell you the same_

_But when I'm in my car, don't give me no crap_

_Cause the slightest thing and I just might snap_

"_When I go driving I stay in my lane_

_Getting cut off, it makes me insane_

_Reach in the glovebox, check inside_

_Gonna wreck this fucker's ride…_

"I love this song!" I yelled over the music.

"I think you should slow down a bit," he said uneasily. We were on the short length of highway between his parents' house and the nature reserve, so I gunned it, just to mess with him. "Bella! You're going ninety-five!"

"So? I've seen you do ninety-five with me in the car," I said as I weaved through traffic. "Which exit is yours?" Oh, I was enjoying this _so_ much. Speed Racer was getting a taste of his own medicine.

"The exit after next," he said tensely. "Bella, please slow down, you're not used to driving this car-"

"Shush, Edward. We're almost there. When we get to your parents' house, you can inspect your precious car," I said patronizingly, glancing at him. When I turned my head back to the road, it was just in time to be cut off by an enormous Jeep. "Shit!" I stomped on the brake and came within inches of rear-ending that sucker. "Sonofabitch!"

_Something's odd… feel like I'm God_

_Stupid, dumb shit, Goddamn motherfucker!_

'Motherfucker' was right!

"Fuck, Bella! Be careful!" he roared. I chanced a glimpse over at him. Edward was using the "oh shit" handle!

_Girls, we have _arrived_! We scared the shit out of Edward with our driving!_

_Oh, fuck. Now _I_ was talking to _them_? Straitjacket, please…_

I decided to focus my attention on the asshole in the Jeep.

"I'm following that jerk," I growled. "Do you have any of those cards that Alice has?"

"No! Bella, we're going back to my parents' place. No following," he told me. "Please."

"Okay," I sighed, clenching the steering wheel so hard my knuckles were white. I might not get to follow this 'tard for long, but I was gonna ride his ass while I could. That would show him.

"You might want to start merging to the right, because our exit is next," Edward said. I grudgingly followed his instructions and took the exit. Fortunately for me, the Jeep was going the same way. In fact, the Jeep was going to exactly the same place we were. I parked the car behind the offensive vehicle in Edward's parents' driveway. Who should step out of the driver's seat? Meat Sweats himself.

"Edward, why didn't you recognize your own brother's car?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"I've never seen it before! It must be new."

"It's official, all three of you drive like maniacs!"

"Then welcome to the family, Love! You're worse than the rest of us put together!"

I gasped in affront. There was _no way_ I was worse than the three of them. I undid my seat belt and got out of the car, using all my strength to slam the door.

"Where the _hell_ did you learn how to drive, Meat Sweats?" I yelled, stalking towards him.

"That was _you_?" he asked. "What the fuck, Edward? You're letting her drive now? Are you _insane_?"

"She stole my keys, Emmett!" Edward protested. I treated them both to the double bird.

_Oh, he _so_ isn't getting any tonight._

_**But, Bella! Don't punish **_**us! **_**Punish Edward! We'll show you how! Remember that flogger we were talking about?**_

_STFU, girls. I mean it._

"I can't believe Edward let you drive his car," Emmett mused, turning towards Edward. "In my country," he said in an exaggerated accent, "we say, 'To let woman drive car, is like to let monkey fly plane. Very dangerous, yes?'" My mouth dropped open. I was _not _prepared for him to quote Borat.

"I can't believe the state issued you a license, driving like that," I yelled. Edward joined me on the lawn, gripping my elbow gently. "Edward, you knock him down, I'll give him The People's Elbow!"

"Oooh, Edward, she's feisty! I bet she's a firecracker in the sack!" Emmett chortled. Edward just smirked and shrugged. I kicked him in the ankle, but he wasn't fazed.

"You are _so_ banned from the restaurant. No more _picanha_ for you!" I said, poking my index finger into Emmett's chest. Edward grabbed me and pulled me back into his chest, effectively pinning my arms to my sides. He was trying not to laugh. _Traitor_.

"Ignore him," he whispered in my ear. "The teasing means he likes you."

"Wait! No, you can't do that, Bella! I need that meat!" Emmett pleaded.

"No more comments like that," I said, "especially in front of your parents, Meat Sweats!"

He held up his hands. "Anything for the _picanha,_" he said, looking relieved.

"Where's Rose?" Edward asked.

"She'll be here in a bit. She had to work late. She's trying to get some new kid she's representing signed by the Mariners." He looked at me. "She's a sports agent," he said.

"Oh, like _Jerry Maguire_?" I asked, smirking.

"Don't mention that movie in front of her if you want to live," Edward warned with a laugh.

"And, _whatever you do_, don't say 'Show me the money,'" Emmett added, looking absolutely serious.

"Why? What happens?" I asked.

"You don't want to know," Emmett said. I looked to Edward, who just nodded his head in solemn agreement.

"Come on, Bella, let's get your bag out of the car and we'll go change." Edward took my hand and led me back to the car.

"Oooh, looky at the lovey doveys," Emmett taunted. Edward flipped him off without looking back, squeezing my hand at the same time. I shot him a sideways glance and caught him looking at me, a smile curving one side of his mouth. My panties were ready to make like a 1929 stockbroker and fly right off of me.

We grabbed our bags out of the trunk and made our way into the house. We just had one change of clothes for dinner, since we weren't staying overnight, _thank God_. I was definitely not ready for an overnighter with the parents.

"Bella! It's so lovely to meet you in person!" Esme said, hurrying towards us. _Oh, God, I hope she doesn't want to hug me! I probably smell like sweat and the sex I just had with her son!_ She swept up to me, arms wide, and I had no choice but to walk into the lion's den. I hugged her awkwardly, hoping against all hope that maybe she'd forgotten what sex smelled like. She did have grown children, after all. As I stepped back and took a second look at her, however, I had little doubt that unless her husband was an idiot or gay, she was more than likely still, er, "popping the lid on the soda can," as the girls would say.

"It's so nice to meet you, too, Esme," I said. I could feel my cheeks blazing, and it was my own fault. The girls were rubbing off on me. My mind was in the gutter and there was probably no hope of digging it out.

_**Just give in, Bella. We'll all be a lot happier.**_

I fought back a sigh. Esme turned to Edward and enveloped him in a tight hug.

"Edward, you don't come home enough," she said, holding him back at arms' length and giving him a good once-over. "You look exceptionally well." I had to remind myself that he was adopted, because I could have sworn he'd inherited his smirk from Esme. It was plastered on her face, and she looked back and forth between the two of us.

Edward grinned at her, winking. I wanted to fall into a hole and die.

"I'm a busy guy, now, Mom, what can I say?"

"I guess I can forgive you. Just this once," she said. "Why don't you two go and change for dinner, and we can chat then? I've got a few things left to get ready, so if you'll excuse me?"

"See you in a bit, Mom," Edward said. I waved, still unable to find my tongue. He led me up two flights of stairs, smirking at me the whole way. "This was my room," he said, opening a door at the end of the hall. "The bathroom is just through there. I'll be in the guest bathroom across the hall."

_**Separate showers? Don't you want to help the environment and conserve water? Tell Edward he needs to be more environmentally friendly!**_

_I couldn't agree more, girls, but I'm not tempting fate twice in one day. Remember the woods?_

I swear I heard them sigh in contentment.

_Wait a minute! Since when do you care about the environment? Shit! I'm talking to them again_.

_**Of course we care about the environment, Bella! The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business. We are helping the environment and the Precious!**_

I had no words_._

"Bella? Where did you go?" _Oh, shit. I _really_ need to stop having these internal conversations. He's going to think I'm batshit crazy. Think fast!_

"I, ah… I went to the woods." _Oh, nice one_. _Idiot_.

"Oh, you did?" Grabbing my wrist, he yanked me into the room and kicked the door shut behind him. "I've been thinking about that, too," he said with a wicked grin. He stepped closer to me and set his hands on my hips, turning the tractor beam on full force. I shut my eyes in the interest of self-preservation.

"Edward, I need to take a shower. Your mother is waiting downstairs. Not a good idea."

"We can always shower together… if I remember correctly, you're quite fond of that," he said, his mouth close to my ear. He was definitely invading my personal bubble. Too bad it didn't bother me in the least. We could form our own joint personal bubble and I'd be happy. Bubble Bella and her Bubble Boy.

_Must. Resist. _

_**No, Bella! Think about the environment…**_

"I _am_ a fan…" I trailed off as he set his lips to my neck and one hand snaked around to my ass. _What was I talking about?_ He dug his fingers in and pulled me against him, trailing his lips up to my mouth. I braced my hands against his chest, trying to keep some distance between us.

"I thought so," he said against my lips. His teasing was enough to break the hold of the tractor beam. I tried to respond, but his mouth was on mine and all that came out was some kind of muffled gibberish.

"What was that?" He asked, barely pulling back enough to speak. I tried to talk again, but he swooped back in, muffling my response once more.

"Mmrrmmph." _Dear Lord, what is this man trying to do to me?_

"I couldn't hear you," he whispered against my mouth, this time not even giving me the chance to try and speak before he closed his lips over mine. I could feel his smirk as our mouths connected. His hands traveled up underneath my t-shirt, pushing up the fabric as they went. The cool air brought me back to reality and I turned my head to the side, determined not to let him win yet again. His lips landed near my ear and he took my earlobe into his mouth, the gentle suction causing my back to arch. He wrapped his arms even more tightly around me, hugging me so hard my feet left the floor.

The next thing I knew, we'd crossed the room and he was pushing me back onto his bed. He reached behind his back with one hand and stripped the shirt off over his head before setting one knee on the mattress to follow me. My brain started functioning again just in time and I backed away quickly, sitting up against the headboard.

Even though I was determined to resist, his persistence was flattering. It was nice to know he wanted me that badly. Lord knows I wanted him in return. I just couldn't let him have his way all the time. I needed to develop a little bit of resistance to the 'sexy-time tractor beam,' or I'd never stand a chance against him.

"Edward! Your family is downstairs. We have plenty of time for this later," I said as he crawled up over the bed towards me, not stopping until he'd trapped me against the headboard.

"I can make it quick," he chuckled, once again nibbling at my ear. I was ashamed that he knew all my major weaknesses so well.

"Oh, well I'm sold, then!" I quipped. He chose that moment to begin rubbing his thumbs over my nipples, nearly sending everything but thoughts of the girls' Precious flying out of my brain. _Nearly _everything. I knew his weaknesses too, and I needed to use them if I was going to come out on top of this little skirmish.

_**Bella, you said 'come'!**_

_Goddamn hussies_. _You're weak! WEAK!_

I really had to quit talking to them.

I moaned for his benefit and pushed on his shoulders, indicating he should lie back on the bed.

_I'm about to scramble _your _brain, Dr. Cullen. Please lie back for a thorough examination._

He flopped back against the pillows, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. I straddled his legs and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, before working my way down to his collarbone. I raked my nails down his chest and he inhaled sharply. I smiled against his skin as I traced a line with my tongue from one side to the other.

"Bella," he whispered, his hands tangling in my hair. I kissed across his pecs as my hands played around the waistband of his shorts. I almost felt bad.

Almost. Then I thought of all the times he'd used that damn tractor beam on me. I unfastened his shorts and unceremoniously shoved my hand into his boxers, gripping his length. He groaned softly and I couldn't resist stroking him. I used a firm grip as I pleasured him; his hands slid from my hair to clutch at the comforter. I couldn't resist reveling in the fact that it was all for me.

The ragged sounds he made were almost enough for me to have mercy on him, but I was feeling evil. I was also feeling selfish. All I could think about was what he would do to me later tonight, when there was no possibility of interruption. It was that thought I kept in my mind as I steeled my resolve.

_**Bella? This is bad; you shouldn't provoke the Precious.**_

_Yes, I should. Believe me, girls, it will be worth it._

I couldn't resist kissing him once more, taking charge this time. I kissed his bottom lip first and then paid the same attention to his top lip. His lips were so soft and warm, and he kissed me back like I was the most important thing in his world. I started to feel guilty again, but I caught myself just in time. I did not want to be caught doing inappropriate things in Esme's house, especially when I harbored secret fantasies of spending time with Edward and his family for the rest of my life. In my fantasies, we had plenty of time to defile Edward's old bedroom. I eased off of the kiss and withdrew my hand from his shorts.

"Tonight, Edward," I said, mocking him. "Tonight, you can remind me of just how… _male_ you are." I hopped up quickly and grabbed my bag, running to the adjoining bath and locking the door. I heard bewildered laughter from the other side and I smiled widely. Giving myself a congratulatory fist pump in the bathroom mirror, I started the water for my shower and stripped quickly. The water was freezing.

The girls screamed.

*****

I stared forlornly after Edward and Emmett as they abandoned me in the kitchen with Esme to play Rock Band in the basement. I wanted to play Rock Band. They were just afraid I'd shred their asses. _I should never have named him Buttercup… Or teased him mercilessly up in his room…_

"Bella, come in, come in! You can help me slice the vegetables for the salad," Esme said with a smile. _Cute and fuzzy bunnies, Bella. Stay on your guard… _ I stepped further into the kitchen and noticed the spicy scent of cumin, garlic, and thyme. It smelled just like the restaurant where Edward and I had our first date. I smiled in spite of my nervousness.

"What else are we having?" I washed my hands and began to carefully slice a bell pepper, keeping my eyes trained on the wicked-looking knife in my hand.

"Oh, I took this wonderful Greek cooking class, and I just learned how to make these great authentic sandwiches!"

_It can't be…_

"They're called gyros. Have you ever had one?"

The knife slipped a bit and I nearly added the tip of my index finger to the salad ingredients. Heat crept into my cheeks as I answered.

"Yes, I love gyros. I actually had one on my first date with Edward." I finished mutilating the green pepper and set down the knife before looking up.

"Really," Esme said, sporting a smile worthy of the _Mona Lisa_. _She's teasing me!_

_I'll kill him. I know Edward had something to do with this…_

Esme handed me a long English cucumber to slice before turning to pull the seasoned meat out of the oven. I fantasized that the cucumber was Edward's dick and began to slice it into perfect rounds.

_**NO! Not the Precious! What did the precious ever do to you besides fuck you senseless?**_

_They're right… it's just the "owner" of the Precious that I was peeved with._

"Edward tells me you two met at your job? The Brazilian steakhouse Emmett loves so much?"

"Yeah," I said, grinning at her. "I hit him with the kitchen door. I thought I broke his nose." Esme covered her mouth with her hand, trying to hide her smile.

"Oh, that is priceless. Did you know Emmett broke Edward's nose in the ninth grade?" she asked. "He hit him with a soccer ball."

"Ouch. But you know… I think it's for the best," I said with a smirk.

"Why?"

"Edward would be way too pretty without that little bump in his nose," I told her. "That nose sort of brings him down to earth."

"Oh, you think so?" she laughed.

"Definitely. I mean, that man is too pretty for words anyway." _Ooops. T.M.I. for my boyfriend's mother?_

Her expression was soft and gentle as she regarded me, her eyes soft and warm. "I'm so glad he's found you, Bella. You're good for him." My cheeks still hadn't cooled from the gyro embarrassment, and I felt them get hotter. For what seemed like the millionth time since I'd met Edward, I found myself without anything to say. I smiled at her and looked down at the cutting board before scraping everything into the salad bowl. I actually didn't know if I was good for him. How good could it be for an alcoholic to date a bartender? I wondered if his parents knew that I tended bar at the steakhouse. His siblings knew and seemed to be fine with it, but I was still afraid his parents wouldn't approve.

However, I knew I was past the point of caring. I wanted to be with Edward. It was time for me to grow up, just as I'd been telling myself recently. I didn't plan on bartending forever. Edward, however… when I thought of him and "forever" in the same stream of consciousness… I wasn't scared. I was hopeful. I honestly couldn't think of my future without him now.

I looked up to see him strolling into the kitchen and my pulse sped up. His warm, verdant eyes met mine easily, sparkling with mischief. I couldn't even be annoyed with him for the gyro conspiracy. I secretly loved that he enjoyed teasing me. It only showed how comfortable he felt with me. Charlie always said, "If a man farts in front of you, it's true love."

_I'm pretty sure hell would freeze over before Edward Cullen farted in front of a woman, but if he's so at ease with me that he could constantly tease me… surely that's the next best thing. Wait a minute… farting is the best thing? That _can't_ be right!_

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders as he stood behind me and dropped a quick kiss on my head.

"How are you two ladies doing?" he asked. "Is dinner coming along well?" He was pressed so close to me that he hindered my ability to form coherent sentences. I merely nodded. The girls had been right. I shouldn't have provoked the Precious. Now the Precious would be provoking me all night.

_**Provoking sounds kind of like "poking." Heh, heh… we want the Precious to poke us**_.

I was seriously considering getting a hysterectomy. Then I wouldn't have to listen to them anymore.

Edward snagged a cucumber round from the salad bowl and popped it into his mouth. "Smells good in here. What else are we having?" he asked when he finished. I looked up at him and caught him winking at Esme.

_I knew it_. I narrowed my eyes at him and he grinned unrepentantly.

"We're having Greek tonight. Don't you remember? You're the one that suggested it." She shot me a smile and I was relieved that they wouldn't be ganging up on me. It seemed like everyone was fair game for teasing in this family, and I finally began to relax. I had a feeling I would fit right in with these people.

"Oh, you did, did you?" I asked, trying to look stern as I looked up at him over my shoulder.

"Only because it's your favorite," he replied smoothly. He looked up at Esme. "She loves meat sandwiches."

He. Did. Not. Just. Say. That.

I couldn't even offer a smartass reply, because I didn't want his mother thinking I had a dirty mind.

_**Bella, your mind isn't dirty, it's filthy!**_

_Pot, meet Kettle. _

"I sure do," I said with a fake smile. Edward burst out laughing and Esme gave us both a funny look. Suddenly, the kitchen door flew open and a tall, blond man rushed in, tossing his briefcase on the kitchen table. He looked up and I got my first full glimpse of his face. Holy hell.

Edward's dad was ten kinds of hot. Of course, he really couldn't compare to Edward, but for the Viagra crowd, he was definitely top notch. He gave Esme a kiss hello and turned to us. That's when the girls perked up.

_**Where have you been all our lives, stranger? Rawr.**_

_Oh, fuck. Girls, no. Just. No._

_**Bella, we need to hedge our bets. That man is hotter than Satan in a sauna!**_

_Oh, God. Girls, shut up._

_**But Bella! We want to let him play bury the sausage with us!**_

I was never going to survive this.

"What held you up, Hon?" Esme asked.

"I had a patient go into labor rather suddenly. Luckily, it was her fifth child, so it went quickly," he explained.

"Dad's an OB/GYN," Edward murmured to me quietly.

_**He specializes in **_**us**_**?? Bella, forget the precious. We want this one.**_

I had to try very hard to stifle the beginnings of a hysterical giggle. That was just too rich.

_Fuck off, girls. I run this ship. Shut up or I'll have him remove you._

Edward released me and took my hand, leading me over to his parents.

"Dad, this is Bella," he said. I caught the look in his eye when he said my name. His gaze was so affectionate, it made warmth gather in my chest and I had to fight to tear my eyes away.

"Hi, Bella." He took my hand and squeezed gently in greeting. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"Likewise, Dr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle. You'll find we're not formal at all around here," he said with a smile. He looked at Esme, and the look on his face was one of the sweetest I'd ever seen. I turned to look at Edward and found him watching me; my stomach dropped into my feet. It was the same look Carlisle was giving Esme. I locked my knees at the wave of disorientation that washed over me.

_Holy shit… I'm in love with him. _

It was fucking scary. I still had dinner with all of them to get through, and the girls were very talkative tonight.

God, give me strength, because the Captain won't be here to help me with this one.

*********

_A/N: Let it be known that my husband must love me VERY much. He also loves prunes. God help me._

_So I lied, dinner is next time. The chapter ran away from me. I apologize. Hope you enjoyed road rage Bella and her attempt at using the tractor beam magic. _

_Thanks to AngryBadgerGirl for reccing my little fantasy world in Apples & Oranges. The girls want the inside scoop from Sk8r Girl's girls, because they need some pointers on successful conception. They're quite jealous._

_Thanks also go to WriteOnTime for pimping out the girls in The Port Angeles Players. _

"_Bad Habit" lyrics belong to the Offspring._

"_The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business" quote belongs to Stephenie Meyer._

**Nominations for the Summer Bellies are open! Go nominate your favorite fics!**

http://www(dot)thecatt(dot)

**Nominations are also open for the Indie TwiFic Awards. Go give some of those awesome lesser-known fics some recognition!**

http://theindietwificawards(dot)

_**Now, my lovelies… REVIEW. Please? Don't provoke the Precious. Teasers for reviews this time! I'm actually prepared! The girls would love 1000 reviews (I know, I'm laughing hard enough to pee my pants too… but that makes me cool in Billy Madison's eyes). **_

0 0

\ /


	15. Chapter 15 Show Me the Money

**I don't own Twilight. **

**Not a whole lot of the girls in this chapter, but I hope the Cullens make up for their absence. **

**This chapter is brought to you by the letter 'B' for BETA! Thank you, KnittingVamp7 for the super-speedy work! And Shelly/Isabella303, Beta-Flogger, how I love your green highlighter and epic chapter notes!**

**This chapter is for Aspenleaf and her RT, who so wonderfully supplied Carlisle's work tale for the evening. **

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 15: Show Me the Money**

We were sent to set the table after I was introduced to the girls' latest obsession. The girls were pouting at being separated from their new love. We were still waiting for Rosalie to arrive, along with Alice and Jasper. I busied myself with the task, sneaking peeks at Edward as we worked at opposite ends of the table. He caught me looking every damn time, my love-hate smirk firmly in place. Right now, I loved it.

I was still nervous as hell, though. Any peace I'd gained in the kitchen with Esme had flown out the window when I'd realized I loved him. I never wanted to be _that_ girl. How long had we even _known_ each other? A month, maybe? Who falls in love that fast?

_An idiot, that's who_.

I needed to keep my mouth shut, or he'd be out of here faster than the fucking Road Runner, and I'd be left with the burning stick of dynamite, just like Wile E. Coyote.

_**Who cares? Then we can go after Dr. Hoo-Ha!**_

Enter the aforementioned burning stick of dynamite. _I'm beginning to think I have schizophrenia. Dr. Hoo-Ha? Really? _

I giggled. Out loud. _Oh, shit_.

"What's so funny, Bella?" Edward asked, raising one eyebrow. The smirk was back to hated status. _Play it cool, Bella. Distract him from your lunacy_.

"Nothing, Buttercup." I concentrated on making sure the forks and knives were placed at the exact same height next to the plate, avoiding his gaze. He came up behind me and spun me around, wrapping his left arm around my waist and pulling me close.

He brushed my hair away from my face with his right hand before he leaned in and _growled_ in my ear. _Growled_.

"You still think that's funny, huh?" I shivered at his words as his hand knotted in my hair. I was ready to jump him right there, parents be damned. They could watch and like it. I swallowed the drool that flooded my mouth and nodded mutely. He kissed just below my ear, his lips soft and warm. "What happened to 'Sex Hair'? I like that one a lot better."

"I'll still use that one," I squeaked as he tilted my head to the side, giving him more room to work with. I hooked my fingers into the belt loops of his jeans, feeling liquid warmth seep into my limbs. It was like being hit with a damn tranquilizer gun. I had a feeling if he let me go right now, I'd stumble around like Frank the Tank, speaking in slow-mo and hallucinating. He trailed his nose up my neck and pressed his cheek to mine. My skin tingled at the rough texture of his stubble.

"You smell like my soap. It's amazing," he whispered in my ear. "It's like I'm all over you."

_Oh, God. He's going to kill me_. All I could smell was him; soap and spicy, woodsy man.

"Edward, we need to finish setting the table," I forced out, using the few brain cells I still possessed that weren't vegetables. His arm tightened at my waist and he chuckled, acting as if he hadn't heard me.

"I can't wait to take you home tonight." Another kiss just below my ear, and this time, he licked me. _Licked me_. "I can't wait to return the little favor you did for me earlier," he murmured. One more kiss, ending with a soft scrape of his teeth. I would have dropped to the floor if he hadn't been holding me. It was like I didn't have a mind of my own.

I was an Edward zombie. I now had yet another Edward-caused affliction to add to my list. I was doomed to wander the earth mindlessly in search of nothing but the Precious.

"Um… can we go _now_?"

"We wouldn't want you to miss your hot… meat."

"Oh, I won't be missing it!" I said fervently. Edward laughed out loud and dropped his forehead to my shoulder.

Screw dinner, screw the family, and once I got home, hopefully I'd be screwing Edward.

"Hey, E – Whoa, what the hell are you doing to Gaucho Girl, bro?" Emmett shouted. I didn't think he knew the meaning of the term "inside voice." I jumped and nearly stumbled backwards into the buffet, but Edward was prepared and grabbed my arm, steadying me. "Stop molesting your little girlfriend in public places," he snickered. I could feel my cheeks begin to flame, probably turning blotchy as hell, as I thought about this afternoon. I shot a look at Edward, who was looking like a cooked lobster.

"Edward! You told him about that?" I shrieked. Emmett burst out laughing and I tried to smack Edward on the shoulder. Naturally, he blocked me. One of these days, I _would_ make contact.

"No, Bella! I swear I didn't!" he promised.

"Well you're both gonna have to explain that one now," Emmett laughed.

"NO!" Edward and I yelled at the same time, causing Emmett to laugh even harder. At that moment, the blonde from the restaurant came through the archway.

"What did I just miss?" she asked, a one-sided smile gracing her beautiful face.

"Well, Rosie, evidently Edward and Bella here have been dabbling in exhibitionism," Emmett supplied. She raised her eyebrow in response, looking from Edward to me and then back to Emmett. I had to put a stop to this right now.

"Emmett," I said through clenched teeth, "_Picanha_." He held up his hands in surrender, and everyone laughed. She strode forward, sticking out her hand confidently.

"Rosalie Hale," she said as I shook her hand. "I'm the brains of this outfit." She jerked her thumb back at Emmett, who shook his head, mouthing "no way."

"Rose, you remember Bella?" Edward placed his hand at the small of my back as he introduced me, giving me a warm smile.

"I know who she is, Edward. I can tell by looking that she's the one who's got you mooning all over the place."

A giggle managed to escape before I pursed my lips, watching as he grinned sheepishly and shrugged. At least I wasn't the only one suffering embarrassment this evening.

"You're still bartending at Emmett's version of heaven?" she asked, a look of worry crossing her face, only to be replaced with a smile that was slightly less friendly than her previous expression. Edward's fingers flexed against my back in a show of support and I leaned into them.

"Right. I'm still looking for that 'responsible adult' job everyone tells me I'm supposed to get after graduate school," I quipped. "It pays the bills." I gave her an encouraging smile, hoping she would be willing to overlook my occupation.

"I remember those days," she said, rolling her eyes. "Alice and Jasper should be here any minute. Would you like to come and wait for them on the porch with me, Bella?" I didn't really want to leave Edward, but I wanted to reassure Rosalie that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize Edward's successful state of recovery. I glanced at him and he nodded almost imperceptibly, his eyes shining with encouragement.

"See you in a bit. Get some more practice with Rock Band, because after dinner, I'm going to wipe the floor with you," I taunted with a smile.

"Never gonna happen," he said, shaking his head and kissing me on the temple before giving me a little shove towards the door.

Rosalie led me to the large porch and we sat on the porch swing in the mild evening air. We sat in silence for a few minutes, rocking back and forth slowly, listening to the evening insects and the occasional car driving down the street.

"Do you know about Edward?" she began. "About his problem?"

"Yes. I've known for about two weeks." I looked down at my feet, torn as to how to make her understand just how much I cared for him, without looking like a silly child that fell in love too fast. "We've talked about my job… he told me it wasn't an issue for him."

"Do you think he'd tell you otherwise?" she laughed. It wasn't an entirely friendly sound.

"Look," I started, looking her in the eye, "I asked him point-blank if dating a bartender was just a challenge for him. I wanted to make sure that this relationship was even appropriate. I just want you to know that I care about him a lot. I wouldn't do anything to mess up his success in recovery."

"Would you quit that job for him?"

"Yes. Absolutely. But there's one thing I want to make sure you realize. Edward is doing so well. He's been sober for seven years. Have faith in him." I swallowed past the lump that formed in my throat when I thought about the strength of Edward's character, about the kind of man he was. "He's such a wonderful person, and sometimes he doesn't even realize it. He needs everyone's support, no matter how confident he seems," I finished, looking at my feet once again.

Rosalie put her hand on mine where it rested on my knee. "That's all I needed to hear, Bella." She smiled softly at me and patted my hand before folding hers in her lap.

"Thanks, Rosalie." I didn't need to say more.

"Please, call me Rose." We were quiet for a moment.

"So, Emmett tells me you're a sports agent?"

"Yes, I babysit some of the biggest pussies in the business," she said wryly.

"Pussies?" I laughed. "You babysit them?"

"Yeah, what else would you call grown men who bitch about how they're not getting paid enough to play a damn game for a living?" She shook her head, grinning. "As for the 'babysitting' term? I have one name for you: A-Rod," she said with a raised eyebrow.

"He's one of your clients?" She nodded, rolling her eyes. _Wow, she really was big time_. "You know, Rose… I kinda have to say you dropped the ball on that one. Strippers, NYC escorts…" _Oh, shit!_ I slapped my hand to my mouth as soon as the words were out. Apparently Edward had damaged my mental filter beyond repair.

Rose let loose with a loud, hearty laugh not unlike Emmett's. I was instantly relieved and let my hand drop to my lap.

"Bella, I like you! You tell it like it is!"

"So, does that mean I can say 'Show me the-" She clapped her hand over my mouth before I could finish.

"I'd hate to have to kill you, Bella. That phrase holds awful memories for me," she said through clenched teeth. I held up my hands in surrender and she let her hand fall from my mouth.

"Come on, Rose, you have to tell me why. You've got Emmett and Edward warning me not to say it under penalty of certain death," I complained.

"You mean, besides being the most over-used, idiotic phrase ever to come out of a movie?" she asked sarcastically.

"And?" I prompted.

"I went out with Tom Cruise a few times," she mumbled. "Before Katie."

"You what?" I yelled, trying not to gag. "That's disgusting! Were you even legal then?"

"Tell me about it," she said. "And I was twenty. In LA, where I grew up, twenty is the new forty. It wasn't a big deal. Anyway, he, um… he yelled it in bed." She cringed as she said it.

Rose slept with Tom Cruise?

She's been infiltrated by the Scientology peen?

My mind was instantly bombarded with mental pictures that would be burned into my psyche forever. Tom Cruise. Crazy smile. Couch jumping. Finally, old Tommy grunting out "show me the money" while doing the horizontal mambo. It was too much.

"Ugh! Oh, God Rose! I'll never be able to have sex again!" I wailed, covering my eyes. I even dry heaved a bit; eternally grateful I didn't have anything in my stomach to hurl onto Esme's porch.

"You're the one who insisted on the full story," she snapped. "I'm not proud of my past. I've put it behind me."

I tried to picture them together. I started giggling, thinking of the tall, statuesque Rose and pint-sized actor.

"You are way too tall for him, Rose!" I managed through my laughter. "Tell me, is _all _of him small?" I was snorting at this point, wiping tears from the corners of my eyes. Rose joined in, her shoulders shaking with mirth.

"Everything," she stated, and we began to laugh even harder, the combined vibrations shaking the porch swing.

We were still laughing when a familiar, lemon-yellow Porsche screeched to a stop at the curb. Alice's husband flew out of the passenger side and bent over, hands on his knees, looking a little frazzled. Alice climbed out calmly, smoothing back her hair as she slammed the door.

"Bella! Rose!" she said happily, hurrying up the driveway.

"Hi, Alice!" I was genuinely happy to see her, as long as I didn't have to ride in the car with her. She was ready with her usual hug for both of us, and I laughed at her exuberance. Alice's husband ambled up the driveway, content to let his hyper wife lead the way.

"Jasper, hurry your sexy ass up!" she chided.

"Now, honey, you know you love it when I take my time," he replied, leering at her.

"Dammit, guys. You have to stop that shit. I'm going to lose my appetite," Rose groaned. Jasper just grinned and pinched Alice's ass. She squealed and I think I heard every dog in the neighborhood start to howl.

"Jasper, you remember Bella, right?" Alice asked.

"Yes, ma'am. How could I forget Edward's meat girl?" While I was annoyed at his words, I couldn't help but smile at his southern accent. I never appreciated being called "ma'am," but I could forgive the transgression when it was coming from a southern boy.

"Right," I said dryly. "Edward's meat girl."

"You'd better get used to it, Bella. That's the way this family works," Rosalie whispered theatrically. Louder, she said, "And holy shit, am I glad I'm not the new girl anymore!" The rest of them had a good laugh at my expense.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up," I retorted.

Rose linked her arm with mine and started for the door. "I'm starving. I hear we're having gyros," she said with a smirk. "I could use some hot meat."

_Edward is a gossiping little bitch_. As we walked inside, I entertained myself with fantasies of how I was going to pay him back for his big mouth.

* * *

Dinner was served without any further hot meat references, thank God. Carlisle had been telling the truth; it was very informal in Edward's family. We all passed around platters of pitas, vegetables and other sandwich fixings, and the room was loud with laughter and raucous comments - most of which came from Emmett. Big surprise there.

I watched in amazement as Emmett filled his plate with four gyros filled to the brim with meat – not a vegetable in sight – and looked down with reverence at his meal. He rubbed his hands together with glee and picked up his first sandwich.

"I'm gonna eat you," he growled in an awful Scottish accent. My jaw dropped open as I watched the sight directly across from me. Edward swallowed back a snort to my left. Rosalie rolled her eyes, and the rest just shook their heads, used to Emmett's antics. He brought the gyro closer to his mouth and paused. "Get in mah belly!" he chortled.

I couldn't contain my laughter; I looked at Edward in bewilderment, unable to believe such a freak of nature actually existed outside of fiction. He was laughing too, shaking his head like the rest of them.

What surprised me most of all, though, was the response from Carlisle's end of the table.

"I ate a baby," he said, in a much better Scottish accent. I dropped my gyro onto my plate in shock and nearly choked. Edward smacked me on the back as I coughed.

**Et tu**_**, Dr. Hoo-Ha?**_

_Ah, so the girls were not impressed with his knowledge of the Austin Powers trilogy_.

They clearly didn't know what they were talking about. I was actually surprised; they'd been relatively quiet since the time in the kitchen. I mentally crossed my fingers that it would continue. I didn't think I could deal with them _and _this insane family.

"You okay, Bella?" he asked worriedly, rubbing his hand up and down my back as I got my breath back. I nodded, taking a huge drink of water to wash down the largely un-chewed food that was making its way to my stomach.

I watched Emmett in fascination as he seemed to swallow an entire gyro whole.

"It's like watching a forty car pileup on the highway, isn't it, Bella?" Jasper drawled. "You want to look away, but you just can't do it."

"That's my baby. I'm so proud," Rose said sarcastically.

Alice spoke up. "You should have seen him as a teen. You know why I'm so short? Emmett ate all the food and stunted my growth," she quipped.

"Yeah, that's why Edward's so scrawny too, compared to me, anyway," Emmett mumbled through a mouthful of food. I snorted; thankful I had no food in my mouth. Eating around this family was hazardous to my health.

"What, you're not going to defend me?" Edward asked in a hurt tone. Oh, no. Don't look at the pout. Don't. Look. At. The. Pout.

I looked at the pout.

"He's definitely not scrawny," I mumbled. Esme caught my eye and smiled widely, before narrowing her eyes and pointing her finger at me.

"How would you know, young lady?" she asked sternly.

_Lord, bring me home now. I'm ready to go._

I had to think fast. I knew she was teasing me, but I felt the pressure to come up with something snarky enough to combat this family's insanity.

"Well, I did ride behind him for ten miles in a really tight cycling jersey and shorts," I answered, shrugging.

Emmett dropped the second gyro to his plate and pretended to gag. "You actually wear that shit in _public_, bro?" He looked horrified. "Those helmets… with holes? How do they even protect your noggin?" he asked, tapping the top of his head as he asked.

"Emmett, considering what you wear in wrestling matches, I don't think you have room to talk," Edward said, glaring at him.

I let my face drop into my palm as I realized Emmett had made the same comment I'd offered about the ridiculous cycling helmets. Either Emmett was smarter than he looked, or I was not as intelligent as I thought I was. I hoped for the former. Edward patted me on the back comfortingly, his hand caressing the length of my spine once before settling at the small of my back. He leaned close to my ear, distracting me as I vaguely heard Alice make a comment about wanting to see Jasper's ass in cycling shorts.

"Are you upset because Emmett voiced the same pathetic argument you had?" he whispered, his hot breath making me uncomfortable in a way that was oh, so good. Unfortunately, his teasing was pissing me off. Pathetic argument? The fucking thing had _holes!_ It went against logic, did it not, to have holes in something that is supposed to protect you from hard surfaces?

I turned to him and caught the tail end of the smirk I currently hated, as he turned his attention back to his food. Time to step up my game.

_**Are we going to provoke the precious now, Bella? Please say yes.**_

I let my left hand rest in my lap for a moment before placing it on Edward's thigh under the table. I watched out of the corner of my eye, as he stopped chewing for a second and sat up straighter in his chair. He shot me a dirty look before recovering quickly, then continued eating as if nothing had happened. I inched my hand up his leg, fighting to keep the sly smile off my face when he tensed under my fingers. I shoved a bite of salad into my mouth and tried to pay attention to the conversation, which had moved on from ridiculous bike helmets and Jasper's ass.

"…so glad I'm not teaching summer school this year," Alice said. "I love my kindergarteners, but I can only watch them pull out those little rugs and complain about napping so many times. Before long, I start wanting to call them ungrateful little bastards and take a nap underneath my desk."

"I never wanted to take my naps either," I offered, flexing my fingers on Edward's thigh before sliding it even further towards the Precious. _Shit. The girls are rotting my brain. I have to stop calling it that._ "If only I'd known how much I'd wish for one of those little rugs and an assigned nap time later on in life."

"Tell me about it," Emmett agreed.

"What are you talking about, Emmett? You work two days a week, max," Edward said, sounding completely normal. I gave up on the subtle inching and moved my hand up as far as it would go, but he trapped my hand under his before I reached my destination. _Sneaky, sneaky…_

"I work _out_ every day," Emmett sniffed. "This kind of perfection takes work and plenty of beauty sleep."

"I don't think you're getting enough," Jasper taunted, drawing loud laughs from everyone at the table. Emmett flipped him off.

"Emmett Cullen!" Esme snapped. "You may be an adult, but I'm still your mother, and I won't hesitate to whip your butt if you do that again at the dinner table."

I laughed out loud, drawing a wink from Esme. _Dear God, I love this woman_.

I wiggled my fingers underneath Edward's hand, trying to rattle him a bit. He didn't budge. I gave up and tried to subtly yank my hand away, but he held fast. _What's his game? This is probably going to backfire on me, I just know it…_

"So, Bella," Carlisle began, "what do you do, when my son isn't dragging you out on bikes or hiking trails… or schooling you at Operation?" I looked at him with wide eyes. Carlisle had the damn smirk too! How was it possible, when they weren't biologically related?

The girls sighed at the sight. They were infatuated.

_**He really is hot, Bella. We want him too. Can we have both of them? At the same time?**_

Edward chose that moment to put my hand right where I'd been aiming for all along. He wasn't unaffected by my teasing. I didn't know whether I wanted to kill him right there or yank him into the bathroom and have my way with him.

_**Bathroom! Bring the good doctor, too!**_

"He cheated," I blurted out.

"I didn't cheat, she's just awful at it," he laughed, pressing my hand tighter against him. I tried once again to pull away, but he just widened his legs and held firm. _Jeez. Firm is _not _an adjective I need to be thinking about at the moment… _

"Oh, come on, Edward, you used to try and cheat at everything," Emmett declared.

"I did not," he scoffed.

"Yes, you did!" Alice responded. "You fed me gallons of Mt. Dew before you taught me to play Operation. My hands shook so badly from all that caffeine!"

"He cheats at poker, too," Jasper grumbled.

"Now, Jasper, just because I took a couple hundred bucks off you the last time we played does not mean I cheat," Edward said smugly.

"Just because I can't prove it, doesn't mean you _didn't_," he retorted.

"I can't help it if you fall for every one of my bluffs." He winked at me and then squeezed my hand before letting it go. _Holy Christ, thank you God_. I curled my hand into a fist in my lap. I clearly need to work on my technique. _I'm still a novice at the arts of the tractor beam, and I'm clearly messing with a master._ My hand burned, not unlike the feeling I get when I've been outside in the cold without gloves on. I needed to retreat to my corner, regroup, and lick my wounds.

_**That's not all you want to lick… not that we condone that sort of thing. It's not supposed to go in your mouth.**_

Alice patted Jasper's cheek and he mumbled something derogatory about Edward that I didn't quite catch. I'm sure it was a completely accurate assessment. He was devious, but I loved it.

"Bella, sorry about getting off topic," Carlisle began. "What did you say you did for a living?" _Shit. I was hoping he'd forgotten about that_. I cleared my throat and gulped the rest of my water before answering.

"I bartend at a restaurant," I said quietly, trying not to cringe as I waited for the response. "I've got my master's in English Literature, so I'm looking for a job where I can actually use my degree." The words seemed rushed to me, and I hoped I didn't sound as nervous as I was. Edward grabbed my hand under the table and I held on tightly. Relief came in the form of Emmett.

"_A restaurant?_" he blurted, affronted. "That place is more than just a mere _restaurant_. It's heaven dipped in butter and wrapped in bacon! It's the Promised Land!" He rubbed his belly and shook his head. The rest of them laughed and the tension was broken. I had a feeling I'd be talking with his parents about this, but now was not the time, and I was grateful.

"I had a rather interesting day today," Carlisle said. Emmett and Alice groaned, while Esme just shook her head. Jasper and Rose looked a little green.

"What did you see today, Dad?" Edward asked with an evil grin on his face. I grinned too, because they were going to talk doctor now. One, it was sexy that my man was so smart, and two, I was just a morbid person and enjoyed any story that was gross and of the medical variety.

"This patient comes in, and the ER resident is off at lunch. There was a new nurse on duty at the triage desk, and why she called me down to the ER, I have no idea," he chuckled. "This man was complaining of having an erection since one a.m. the night before that wouldn't go away, even after sex. Needless to say, he was pretty uncomfortable by the late morning."

Emmett snorted and Rose brought her hand up to smack him, but then she thought better of it and lowered her arm. I laughed at them. Edward snickered uncomfortably, like he knew how the story was going to play out. I guess he probably had a good idea, since he was a doctor as well.

"Carlisle, are you sure this is appropriate for the dinner table?" Esme asked in an irritated voice.

"You can't make him stop now, Mom. He's got us all intrigued," Edward protested.

"Speak for yourself," Rose muttered.

"Agreed," Alice said.

Carlisle rolled his eyes at Edward, as if to say, _Pussies,_ and continued. "He flatly denied using any type of narcotic and only admitted to using marijuana and alcohol regularly. He also denied using Viagra."

Emmett was beginning to look as green as Jasper by this point, and Edward wasn't looking so hot either. Watching everyone's expression was almost more entertaining than the story. I looked from face to face, extremely entertained.

"And?" I prodded. There was no way this story could have a boring ending.

"We thought about giving him a diuretic, but that would have only made it worse, since he couldn't urinate with the erection." Yep, all the men were looking more and more distressed except for Carlisle, who seemed to be enjoying his sons' discomfort. "We had to drain the blood out to relieve the erection."

"Drain it?" Emmett gasped, his hands flying to his lap.

"He got lidocaine first, of course." Carlisle looked so smug that butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

Everyone had pretty much finished eating. Good thing, because Carlisle had definitely ruined everyone's appetite. Emmett looked like he was going to faint. My face ached from smiling and trying to suppress my laughter.

"That's not the best part," he added, looking from person to person at the table, building up the suspense.

"I don't know if it gets any better than that," I joked. Edward shot me a startled look. _Be afraid, Edward. Be very afraid. I'm stranger than you can ever imagine…_

"This is a major HIPAA violation… but I can't resist. The patient's name was BJ."

There was a good thirty seconds of silence before everyone burst into laughter, even Esme.

BJ? Oh, my God.

"Seriously?" I burst out. I clutched my stomach with my free hand, nearly crying with my laughter. I looked at Edward, who was trying very unsuccessfully to pretend he wasn't amused. I squeezed his hand and kept staring at him, enjoying the sight of his happiness. I'd never expected that meeting his family would be one of the most enjoyable nights of my life.

I officially loved this family. We all shared the same three year-old mentality.

* * *

_A/N: WOW. I had more than 100 reviews for the last chapter. Thank you ALL so much. I can't even tell you how happy it made me. Thanks to all of you that put this little piece of insanity on story alert and your faves. Really, I can't even make a sarcastic comment about it. It's amazing. Thank you._

_Sorry this chapter is shorter. Hope it made up for it in funnies_._ Yes, the "payback" is coming. *sings "Anticipation"…*_

_Review? _


	16. Chapter 16: Anticipation

_Isabella303/Shelly is the beta from the heavens, because she turned this chapter around in 5 hours! ILY._

_Lyrics from "Hysteria" belong to Muse._

_**Twilight** belongs to Stephenie Meyer. The girls and Meat Sweats are belong to me!_

* * *

_**Chapter 16: Anticipation**_

"Sit down, Bella, you're blocking my view!" Emmett yelled.

"I can't sit down, Meat Sweats! It fucks with my guitar mojo!" I moved to the side, so I could still see the screen and not obstruct Emmett's view. Sitting down while playing Rock band severely limited my tiny plastic guitar skills. While standing, I could play Expert, but if I sat down, I might as well have been missing two fingers.

I had guitar, while Edward was on bass. Emmett was taking on the drums. I was ready to wipe the floor with both of them. I looked smugly at Edward when I selected Expert. He just gave me that panty-dropping grin and chose Expert as well.

_**He IS very good with his fingers, Bella. You know this**__._

_Okay. They have a point there._

Emmett also picked Expert. Devil Bella tapped me on the shoulder, making a throat-slitting motion across her neck. _Did she mean _I_ was going down? That traitorous bitch. I'll show her._ My fierce competitive rage reared up and I fixed a scowl on my face, looking at each one of them in turn. Edward just arched his eyebrow and wiggled his fingers on the frets of the guitar, making me wish we were leaving immediately.

"Are you constipated, Gaucho Girl?" Emmett snorted. I flipped him off.

"Bella's choice," Edward said smoothly, in his "I can't wait to get you home and seduce you" voice. _Jesus Christ. Focus, Bella! You have asses to kick!_

I chose Pearl Jam's "Alive," because I couldn't wait to smoke them in the guitar solo. It was time for Edward to be drooling at something _I_ could do for a change.

"Are you sure you want that one?" Emmett asked patronizingly. "That guitar solo is awfully difficult…"

"I think I can keep up." I pressed the plus button to begin the song. Edward stepped closer to me. I knew he was going to try and cheat. It seemed like a recurring theme with every game he played. I actually growled at him. Like a dog.

"You look hot with that child's guitar," he drawled, purposefully lowering his voice and drawing me out of my silly thoughts. I bit my tongue to keep from whimpering. It really wasn't fair for him to be so damn sexy. "Keep growling, Bella. It really does it for me. I can't wait until tonight." _Oh, Lord. He was_ such _a cheater_.

"Get out of the way, lover boy." Emmett's loud voice startled me out of my thoughts.

"Thank you, Emmett. He was bothering me," I said primly as I turned my attention back to the screen. It was a blatant lie. Edward laughed and stepped back to his original spot. He knew I was a big, fat liar.

The song started and I tried to focus on the notes. I had a rough start because I kept looking at Edward's magic fingers. That's not a smart idea when you're trying to beat the pants off your boyfriend and his brother at a challenging video game.

_Fuck. Edward. Pants. Off. _Perhaps _beating Edward's pants off_ was not the smartest way to describe kicking his ass.

_**MMM, Edward's ass… But we still wonder what Dr. Hoo-Ha's ass looks like…**_

_Oh, God. Stop! I have to win this! Shut up about Carlisle. You'll take the 'Precious' and be happy. There are plenty of girls out there that are less fortunate than you!_

Looking at the screen, I focused on the game and got into a rhythm. My streak grew and grew, and I began to gain on the boys. Then, I made the mistake of looking over at Edward. The tip of his tongue peeked out of the corner of his mouth as he played, and his brows were scrunched together in the most adorable expression of concentration I'd ever seen. Fuck _adorable_, it was hot.

I broke my two-hundred fifty-seven note streak.

Gritting my teeth, I pictured a pair of blinders to put on and promised myself I wouldn't look at him again for the rest of the song. _Think _competitive rage_, Bella. You will _never _surrender!_

Once I began the guitar solo, I was in the zone. I didn't miss a note; though I was frantically pressing buttons in what I _hoped_ was the right pattern. Halfway through the passage, I noticed quite a few mistakes in Edward's game play. I purposefully bit my lip and he got worse. I grinned and kept on playing like the awesome Rock Band player I imagined I was. I threw my hips into the part, generally hamming it up as I saw his crowd meter dip into the yellow, then into the red. At the end of the solo, I saved him with the overdrive. _I'm such a charitable soul_. There was no chance of him beating me now, anyway. Plus, I wasn't sure how well I could hold out against the pout if I let him get booed off stage. I had the feeling he _might_ be a sore loser.

Emmett and I were neck and neck throughout most of the song, but I had pulled away during the solo. The song came to an end, with me victorious. This seemed like a trash-talking kind of family, so I felt comfortable in dishing out a good amount of taunting.

"I thought you guys said you could play," I said smugly. "Really, I'm disappointed." I yawned for effect.

"I think we need to calibrate the lag," Emmett said, frowning. He made a show of fiddling with the drums. I laughed.

"I didn't have an issue," I offered innocently.

"There must be something wrong with this guitar," Edward muttered, shaking it and giving it a death look.

"What's the matter, Edward? Never lost before?" I taunted, not even bothering to hide my shit-eating grin. He looked at me strangely, his smile charmingly crooked just like always.

"Oh, I've lost some things," he said cryptically. I decided he was just trying to rattle me, so I ignored his comment. I'd get it out of him later. "What do you want to play next?" he asked. I raised my eyebrow at his abrupt change of subject, but I jumped at the chance to pick another song I could trounce them with.

"Let's play some Muse," I said. "'Hysteria.'" Edward grinned even wider and came over to me.

"Perfect," he said in a low voice. He stopped right in front of me and set his lips to mine, swooping right in with his tongue, and I was helpless to resist. His body was completely separated from mine except for our mouths, and yet he still he owned me. He tasted my tongue, my lips, and generally caused my IQ to drop by twenty points.

"Fuck, guys! Stop it!" Emmett bellowed. I jumped back from Edward and covered my mouth with my fingertips, holding in the warmth from the kiss. "I don't mess around with Rock Band, and you guys are seriously turning my stomach," he said, in what could only be his wrestling persona voice. "Press the damned button so I can redeem myself for this dumbass drum set."

I was grateful for Emmett's interruption, because while I realized that the kiss was only one of Edward's many techniques for cheating, it was also working very well. I was breathing hard and once again, I was only thinking about getting him alone and doing wicked things to him.

I glanced at Edward, and heat swept through me at his smoldering look. His green eyes were dark and glinted in the flashing light.

_**Bella, let's go home now. It's our turn to play. You've had enough time. **_

_No, girls. I have to kick their perfect butts and then we can get home and get kinky._

Yes, I was talking to them again, but I was long past the point of caring. I'd decided to embrace my insanity, because Edward didn't seem to notice, or care, that I was operating with more than one person behind the wheel.

I started the next song, picturing my blinders once again. The beginning was heavy with bass, and I resisted watching Edward as he concentrated. I did well up through the guitar solo and only missed a few notes. At this point, I was on autopilot.

Bad idea. I remembered that morning after our date, the morning my iPod had turned against me. The morning of the best almost-sex dream I'd ever had in my life. The lyrics reverberated in my head.

_'Cause I want it now_

_I want it now_

_Give me your heart and your soul..._

_Oh, Holy fuck_. I peeked over at Edward, and he must have been playing from memory, because he was looking at me. My eyes wandered to the neck of the guitar, where his fingers were moving at an insanely fast pace. Those fingers were enough to hypnotize a girl. I bit back a moan and snapped my head back to the game, swallowing hard and narrowing my eyes at the notes as they flew at me.

I released a pent-up breath I didn't realize I was holding, when the song was over. Edward ripped the guitar strap off his neck and tossed the controller onto the floor, but he remained in place, staring me down.

"Hey, E! Be careful with the equipment! How am I supposed to kick ass with broken controllers?" Emmett protested.

Edward didn't acknowledge his comment. He stalked over to me and calmly took the guitar, pointedly staring at Emmett as he gingerly placed the controller on the ground.

"We've got to go, Emmett. I've got an early appointment tomorrow morning," Edward said calmly, returning his gaze to mine. The look in his eyes was anything but calm. The green was so deep and dark; his pupils huge in the dim light, only the outer rim of his irises showing.

He meant business.

Sweet, sexy sock monkeys, I couldn't wait to get his ass home.

"But tomorrow is Sunday," Emmett said, confusion written plainly in his expression.

"Bye, Emmett," I said dazedly.

"What the fuck, guys? Edward, what happened to "bros before hoes"? Bella whipped my ass! I need a chance to come back!" Emmett's voice faded into the background as Edward smirked at me and grabbed my hand, leading me to the basement stairs. I followed blindly, watching his ass in the faint light all the way.

"Edward, slow down! I can't keep up."

We were halfway up the stairs and out of Emmett's sight when he stopped and pressed me roughly against the wall. He leaned in to me, fitting every available inch of his body against mine. I could hardly breathe, but who needed oxygen when you had Edward Cullen holding you up against a wall?

"When I'm done with you, you won't be able to _speak_, let alone walk," he whispered, his lips grazing my neck with each word. Little did he know, I really couldn't speak at that point anyway. Every hair on my body stood on end at the slight touch of his lips. I let out a half moan, half laugh, remembering a school field trip to some science museum, where I'd put my hand on the static-electricity machine. My mother had a picture of me with my hair spread out like a halo all around my face, standing up in all directions. It held a place of honor on her mantle back in Phoenix.

_Why the _fuck_ am I thinking about_ that, _of all things, when I can feel the Precious digging into my hip?_

"Bella, you're laughing?" he chided. "I must not be doing this right." His hands bracketed my waist and slid heavily up to my ribs, hovering there just long enough to make me burn, his thumbs tracing light paths across the undersides of my breasts. He drew his tongue lightly up my neck before fastening his lips on my earlobe.

"Oh, God," I whimpered. Yes, _whimpered._ It was disgusting and very sad how quickly Edward could have me begging and incoherent.

_**Bella! Home! Now! We're ready for the genetically perfect baby batter!**_

_So fickle, those girls. At least they weren't talking about doing Dr. Hoo-Ha. Crap. I mean Carlisle._

I slumped against the wall as his right hand moved down and grabbed my wrist. Suddenly, he was towing me up the stairs. I tripped, my toes catching on the top step, falling right into his back.

_What the hell just happened? This is what I get for all that provocation… _

He pivoted quickly to balance me, swinging his arm around my shoulders.

"You all right there, love?" He asked softly. "That last step is tricky." I shot a sideways look at him as we continued on our way to leave. I shouldn't have bothered. I already knew he was wearing his "smug Edward" face.

We reached the front door and I immediately started looking for the car keys. I wanted to drive again, because quite frankly, I could have used an outlet for my pent-up tension. Edward saw me reaching for his keys in the little basket on the entryway table, and quickly snatched them away. He chuckled; I growled a little bit and curled my lip at him, swiping for the keys in his hand and missing.

_Did his nostrils just flare? I'm not entirely sure I find that sexy. _

I had to swallow back my need for violence when Esme appeared in the foyer.

"Edward Cullen. Are you leaving without saying goodbye?"

"No," he said innocently.

"Yes," I said at the same time.

"Why do I believe Bella?" she mused, crossing her arms over her chest.

"We said 'bye' to Emmett." Esme only raised an eyebrow at him. "What? He's got a big mouth; you would have figured it out eventually," he grumbled. I covered my mouth to shield my smile. I loved it when Esme put him in his place.

"Carlisle! Kids!" she yelled, the echo in the tall foyer nearly making my ears bleed. The woman had some lungs on her. After a minute, they all assembled in the room, lining up like the good little soldiers she'd obviously trained them to be. _She should give classes on child- and man-training_.

"Bye, everyone," Edward said quickly, raising my hand that he still held and waving for me, like I was a child. I yanked my hand out of his grasp.

"Edward, stop it," I said under my breath, embarrassed. It was pretty damn obvious why we were leaving, from the way he was acting.

_**Bella, why are you cock blocking us?**_

_I'm not 'cock blocking' you. Ever heard of delayed gratification? _

_**What the hell do you call this evening? We've been 'delayed' enough! **_

Alice and Rose stepped forward to say goodbye and I abandoned my internal argument.

"It was really great to meet you, Bella," Rose said, hugging me. "Well, meet you _again_," she laughed.

"Me too, Rose," I responded. When we pulled apart, I couldn't resist adding, "I enjoyed our conversation. It was interesting."

"Zip it, Bella," she warned playfully. I tried to wink at her, but since I've never been able to wink, I'm sure it only looked like I had something sharp in my eye.

"Bye, Bella!" Alice squeezed me even harder than Rosalie had. "The three of us will have to do something together soon," she said excitedly. "Maybe another pedicure day?"

I laughed. "Sure, Alice. Let's schedule it this time, okay? No more kidnapping."

"No promises," she answered with an impish smile.

"Rose? Alice? Where are _my_ hugs?" Edward asked, pouting. _Don't look at it, Bella_.

Of course, I looked at it. I was hopeless.

"We don't want to hug you, Edward. You're not nearly as nice as Bella," Rose teased.

"Yeah, I don't want your cold doctor hands on me," Alice retorted.

"His hands aren't cold," I blurted. _Shit, Bella. You need a muzzle_. They were _all_ smirking at me. I wondered for a moment if _I_ would develop a smirk like that if I stayed around this family enough.

Because, if I was honest with myself, I wouldn't mind it. The smirk might annoy me half the time, but I loved the person it was attached to.

It was still weird to think of it. _I loved Edward_.

"It was so nice to finally meet you," Carlisle said, coming forward.

_**You mean Dr. Hoo-Ha isn't coming with us? Why not?**_

"It was wonderful to meet you, too, Carlisle."

"You'll have to come back often," he said warmly. The girls swooned. I ignored them.

"Only if you promise to tell more of your stories," I joked. Everyone but Edward groaned. Jasper and Emmett were green again, trying not to let their hands drift south to guard their junk.

"I have plenty more where that one came from, although you might not enjoy those as much. I don't normally work in the ER, you know."

_Oh. Eww. Maybe not._

"Carlisle, that's enough," Esme came up and lightly pushed him out of the way so she could hug me. He held up his hands in surrender, laughing. I took another second to admire Esme's training skills. _I could learn a lot from this woman. She could work wonders with Charlie. I'd love to see what she'd do to Jake…_

"Come back soon, Bella," she said, enveloping me in a hug so motherly, it made me start to miss Renee's flighty ass. Before she let me go, she whispered in my ear, "Welcome to the family."

I had no idea what to say to that. I looked over at Edward and caught him staring with a slight smile on his face. I tried not to turn beet red as Jasper came up to say goodbye.

"So who won the Rock Band battle?" he asked both of us. Edward jerked his thumb at me while clearing his throat.

"She did," Emmett grumbled, coming over to us.

"Way to go, Meat Girl," Jasper said, holding his hand up for a high-five. Edward and Emmett snickered and I gave all three men an evil look. Jasper's hand hung in the air forlornly as I stared at him with a raised eyebrow. "Way to go, _Bella_?" he offered hopefully. I grinned and high-fived him as hard as I could, smacking the shit out of his palm.

Jasper pretended to stagger back, holding his hand and then shaking it hard. "Damn, Edward, you'd better not piss her off."

"Yeah, she's a little violent, but clumsy as hell. She's easy to dodge," Edward quipped.

"Thanks, Edward. Thanks a lot," I said flatly, exaggerating my ire. He _was_ right.

"Now don't go scaring off my Gaucho Girl, Edward." Emmett scolded.

"Thanks, Meat Sweats." I grinned at him and heard Edward sigh loudly next to me.

"No problem. I don't know what I'd do without your meat connection," he said fervently, using what must have been his wrestling/soap opera acting skills. "Gaucho Girl," he looked back at Rose, who was rolling her eyes, "you complete me."

Everyone laughed at Emmett's bullshit except for Rose. She pretended to gag and then promptly smacked him on the back of the head. _I'd lay big money on the odds that Emmett wouldn't be having sexy times tonight._

"All right," Edward said loudly, "I'm going to take Bella home now. We'll see you later." He gave Esme and Carlisle quick hugs goodbye and we were out the door.

"Wait!" called Alice. "I'll walk you guys to the car." She tucked her arm underneath mine and led the way, shooing Edward ahead. "Bella, thank you. I know we can be a little… overwhelming," she said, her tone apologetic. We stopped walking for a bit so we wouldn't catch up to Edward. I knew he was lagging behind just to eavesdrop, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Alice, really… I had a wonderful time tonight. Everyone was beyond nice and I really like you all."

Her smile was huge. "I'm so glad, Bella. You fit in so perfectly," she sighed.

"Well, thanks, Alice." I didn't quite know what to say. Everything seemed to be falling into place almost perfectly for me. I was afraid to trust it. I was a complete cynic; always looking around the corner for the pile of dog shit I was sure to step in. "You all are quite the family," I finally said. I mentally gave myself a Rosalie slap. _What the hell, Bella?_

"I'll be the first to agree with you," she laughed. "I'll give you a call, okay? We'll get together for that pedicure sometime this week." She gave me another quick hug and then she was off back toward the house. I shook my head at her quick departure, waiting a bit to see if a breeze blew by from the vacuum she must have created by leaving so fast.

Walking over to the car, I caught Edward's eye as he waited for me by the passenger side door. His arms were folded as he leaned on the roof, his chin resting on his arms.

"Look at you, being nice and standing by your door. Are you going to let me drive back?" I asked innocently, grinning hopefully at him.

He laughed, a little too loudly, in my opinion. "There's no way in hell, Bella." I gave him what I hoped was a ferocious mock scowl. "I'm being gentlemanly. I'm over here to open your door for you."

"Oh, thank you _so_ much, sir," I sniped, though the effect was ruined by the smile I couldn't hold back. I rounded the car and stood primly, waiting for him to open my door.

"And I just want to make sure you don't fall in," he added. _God, this man has my number_.

"Way to get in my pants there, Cullen. Keep it up." He calmly opened the door and handed me inside.

Leaning in, inches from my face, he said, "We both know I don't have any trouble getting into your pants, Bella." _What the hell? _

_**Bella, denial isn't just a river in Egypt. **_

_Okay, so it's true, but he doesn't have to be so damn cocky about it!_

_**Mmmm, cocky…**_

_Shut up. Do. Not. Want._

"Yes, you do." _Oh, fuck. Wonderful. Great example of your quick wit, Bella. That's on par with George Castanza and his "jerk store" comeback._

He raised the _eyebrow worth a thousand words_ at me. I wanted to bite it.

"Okay, Bella," he chuckled; fastening my seat belt and shutting the door, after making sure none of my limbs were hanging out. He got in and started the car, backing smoothly out of the driveway.

The ride home from Carlisle and Esme's was tense at first, but it was a delicious kind of tension. I thought about trying to pretend I was sleeping, but Edward was driving even faster than usual. If certain death was coming to me, I preferred to see it. It was a little tough to feign sleep when I was hanging on to the 'oh shit' handle so tightly I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to unbend my knuckles again.

As soon as we'd left the driveway, he'd planted his hand high on my thigh, the firm pressure reminding me of a gesture of ownership. It wasn't far off the mark, actually. I was becoming more and more convinced that Edward owned me, body and soul.

Whenever we stopped at a light, he stared at me like he wanted to eat me alive. It was hard to keep from squirming in my seat with his hand inching ever so slowly up my thigh. The temperature in the car went up about ten degrees for every inch.

We were on the freeway before he spoke again. "Thanks again for coming tonight." I looked over at him as he concentrated on the road. He met my eyes for a second and smiled gently, taking my hand, like he hadn't been trying to grope me seconds before.

"I really did have a great time," I said honestly. "It was like being with a bunch of old friends. I have to admit, I'm surprised it went so well."

"I'm not," was all he said.

"Oh, really? Why?" I asked disbelievingly. _Is he insane? A terminal optimist?_

"I like you, so they like you. Simple as that." He shrugged and smirked, still staring at the road. _Of course. Why the fuck didn't I think of that?_

"Well, that explains everything," I said sarcastically.

"It does for me." _Well, okay then_. He squeezed my hand and rubbed his thumb across the thin skin on the top. It actually managed to help me relax a bit. The fear of dying in a fiery car crash was only in the _back_ of my mind now. However, I was still pretty wound up where the lady parts were concerned.

The girls gave themselves a tiny fist pump.

Soon, we had arrived at Edward's building. Of course, he found a perfect spot. Volvos must contain some kind of parking spot divining rod. _That must be why they're so expensive_, I thought to myself. _Buy a Volvo during the spring sales drive, and get a great parking spot for life! Hurry down to your local dealer; sale ends Sunday!_

I gathered my things and swung the door open, hearing a loud scrape as the bottom of the door met the curb. All the air in my lungs immediately ran for the emergency escape.

_Oh, shit. Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!_

I'd hurt the fine piece of Swedish machinery. I was fucked. Bye, bye Bella.

I looked up in panic, meeting Edward's horror-stricken eyes as he came to open my door.

"What –" he began.

"Oh, my God! I'm so sorry, Edward!" Jumping out of the car, I tried to shut the door, producing a second horrifying crunch as it scraped back across the curb.

Edward made a sound not unlike a dying wildebeest taken down by a pride of lions, and I cringed. He still hadn't uttered a word since I'd interrupted him; he just stood there, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish out of water. His paler than usual skin tone and shocked eyes were worrying me.

"Edward, are you going to be okay?" I asked gently, like one would ask a hysterical child or mental patient. I seriously thought we were walking that fine a line here.

No response. Okay, so we go with the humor. And if that doesn't work, we go with the sex.

_**Try the sex first, Bella! Don't fuck this up for us!**_

_Die, girls. Go jump off a cliff._

"So I guess that's the real reason you always open and close the doors for me, huh?" I asked sheepishly. He blinked and finally met my eyes.

"It will be now," he mumbled, squatting down to run gentle fingers over the marks.

"I'm so, so sorry, Edward. I'll pay for it, I promise. I'll get it fixed; it will be just like brand new!" I was starting to get a little scared. He _loved_ his car.

He remained crouched next to the car, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took a deep breath. That was never a good sign. Then, I noticed his shoulders were shaking.

"Oh, Edward, I'm sorry! It was an accident, I didn't mean to, please! Please, don't cry, Edward!" I dropped rather gracelessly to my knees beside him, placing my hand on his shoulder. I leaned in to him, hoping to give comfort, even though it was pretty damn ridiculous, crying over a car. Granted, it was about fifty grand worth of car, but still…

His shoulders shook harder and he lifted his head to look at me. He was laughing! I relaxed so much at the sound that I promptly fell back onto my butt. He stood and grabbed my hand, yanking me to my feet with a little more force than necessary. I landed against his chest and he grinned down at me, wrapping his arms around my back.

"You are one lucky girl, love. If anyone else had done that, I would've sent Emmett to scare the piss out of them in the middle of the night," he informed me. "In his wrestling tights."

_Love?_

_It's just an endearment, Bella. Don't go reading too much into it. Just because you're stupid enough to be in love with the guy after such a short time, that doesn't mean he feels the same way about you. You just scratched the shit out of his baby. _

"So I'm special, I guess?" I managed, with half my usual flippancy. I really was slipping. The smile he gave me was my favorite; genuine, full and just a bit crooked. In other words, it was perfect. Whenever I got this smile, he usually said something unbelievably sweet and cheesy. I loved it.

"Are you telling me you rode the short bus to school?" he teased.

_Jackass. That was definitely _not_ sweet. Or cheesy. And slightly offensive. Scratching up his car must have damaged his mental filter. _

"I went to high school in Forks for my last two years. All we _had_ were short buses." I said icily.

"So you _did_ ride the short bus!" he laughed.

"No, I drove my truck." Actually, I'd threatened Charlie that if he made me ride the bus, I would take every piece of frozen fish out of our deep freeze and hide them all over the house. I was an excellent hider, and Charlie knew it. The next day, my beloved red Chevy behemoth had rumbled into our driveway.

Edward tightened his arms at my back, bringing me infinitesimally closer. He bent his head to mine until his lips grazed the shell of my ear.

"You _are_ special, Bella. I don't let just anyone drive my car," he whispered. His breath was hot against the thin, delicate skin; sending chills traveling south. I had to apologize one more time, before he melted my brain cells and they began to drip out my nose and ears.

"Edward, I'm sorry about your car. I _will_ get it fixed," I managed to get out. His lips moved lower, barely making contact with my neck, tracing them lightly down to my shoulder and back up to my ear. My knees were just about to buckle when he pulled back and took my hand, taking my bag and heading for the door.

"Don't worry about the car, Bella. I'll get over it," he threw over his shoulder. He opened the door for me and ushered me inside.

_Don't worry about _the car_, Bella? THE car? What's wrong with him?_

Then I had a thought. _Were Edward's _boys_ running the show? _I shook my head to clear it. _Nah. _

I had officially crossed the abyss into batshit crazy.

Edward greeted the doorman distractedly and dragged me to the elevator, jabbing at the button repeatedly. Because we all know that the harder and faster you punch the elevator button, the faster the car comes. Right?

_**Harder? Faster? Yes, please. We'll take some of that.**_

_How much time do I have left until menopause? _

He wound his left arm around my waist as we waited for the elevator, his fingertips delving just under the waistband of my jeans and stroking my hip lightly. It was a bit ticklish, so I tried to squirm away, but he only pulled me tighter against him.

"You're not going anywhere, Bella," he murmured in my ear. "First you tease me before dinner, and _then_ you scrape up my car… you've got quite a debt to pay." The elevator opened with a ding and we were suddenly alone in the small space. I really had no idea how we got there; one minute he was torturing my ear (in a good way) with that gravelly sex voice, then we were in a closed elevator on the way up to his place. "I wonder how you're going to work that off?" he mused, almost as if he was talking to himself.

_**We can think of a way…**_

So could I.

He gently pushed me against the side of the elevator and kissed me, his hands going immediately to my hips. It was a slow, soft kiss at first, with shallow licks and tiny nibbles. I sighed against his lips and tried to respond, parting my lips wider and catching his bottom lip with my teeth lightly. My hands wandered down to the waistband of his jeans, sliding over the fabric to cup his erection. The denim was stretched tautly over him; he pushed himself against my hand for a moment before backing off.

"We're going to do this my way, Bella," he said in a low voice, leaning back just a bit, so he could make sure I was subjected to the full effect of the Edward Cullen Sex Stare. The one that was guaranteed to drop panties within a twenty-foot radius. I nodded, still in a bit of a daze.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, he was towing me down the hallway like dead weight. He had the key out and ready before we were halfway down the hallway. When we made it inside, he kicked the door shut with a bang, dropping my bag at his feet.

He turned me quickly, pressing my front against the heavy wooden door and coming in close behind me, not an inch to spare between us. I turned my head to the side, closing my eyes and shivering at the warmth of him behind me in contrast to the cool wood against my cheek and my palms. He swept my hair away from my neck, sliding his hands over my shoulders and down my arms, finally stopping at my hips. I felt his breath on my skin a second before his lips touched me, soft and hot and electrifying.

He sucked lightly on my neck, using his tongue and nibbling at the juncture of my neck and shoulder. His hands crept to the button of my jeans; he had them open before I knew it. One hand stayed low on my belly and the other crept upward slowly, as he pulled me back against him. His hand covered my breast as he worked his magic on my neck, sucking harder, and my head dropped back against his shoulder. The hand at my belly slid lower, underneath my panties, until he cupped my sex. He trailed wet kisses up to my ear, nibbling on my earlobe and drawing a soft moan from deep in my throat.

"Bella?"

"Yes?" I gasped, almost ready to pass out, my knees ready to buckle from the sensations.

"I told you I wouldn't have a problem getting in your pants," he murmured smugly.

My eyes snapped open and the weak-kneed feeling dissipated.

_My God, how can I want to hurt him so badly, yet want to fuck him senseless all at once?_

"Edward, you are _such_ an asshole!" I shouted. He only chuckled in my ear and pinched my nipple, drawing a moan from me in the next second.

"Payback, Bella," he teased. "You know you love me."

_It's only a figure of speech. Just enjoy the moment._

Suddenly his hands were under my shirt, dragging up the hem. I raised my arms and he stripped it off, before turning me to face him. One arm curved around my waist while he gripped the hair at the back of my neck with his other hand, tugging gently until I tipped my head back. He took advantage of the extra room and set his lips to my neck once more.

I went straight for the buttons on his shirt, nearly ripping them off in my haste to get him naked. When I was done, I flattened my palms against his abs, letting my fingernails scrape lightly across his skin as I dragged them down to the top of his jeans. I fumbled with the buttons for a moment, only getting a few undone before I gave up and slid my hand into his boxers, wrapping my fingers around his shaft. He bit me, his teeth closing hard on the junction between my neck and shoulder, moaning against my skin as I ran my hand up and down. I gasped, surprised when the pain only intensified the pleasure of having his hands and mouth on me.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella! God…" he groaned.

"Looks like I don't have any trouble getting in your pants either," I said, my voice low and throaty. He laughed breathlessly, dropping his forehead to my shoulder for a moment.

"I'd never give you any trouble. Anytime you want."

_Good to know,_ I thought with a smile.

He ran his lips up my neck, dropping a biting kiss on my lips but pulling back all too quickly. Dragging his lips across my jaw, he let go of my hair and shoved his hands beneath my panties, pushing them past my hips. I let him go and placed my hands at his hips, steadying myself as I stepped out of my jeans and sandals at the same time.

Grabbing the backs of my thighs, he lifted them around his waist. I linked my hands behind his neck and gripped him tightly as he walked to the bedroom. Stopping next to his bed, he let me slide down his body until my toes touched the cold hardwood floor. He smoothed his palms over my ass and up the middle of my back, where he unfastened my bra with no effort; I shrugged and let it drop to the floor. I shoved his shirt off his shoulders, letting my fingertips trace the hard curves of his biceps as they followed the fabric down.

His shirt fell to the floor and he lightly pushed me onto the bed. I watched him as he removed the rest of his clothing, smirking as he joined me on the mattress. I reached for him, but he shook his head.

"Nope," he said, echoing my earlier taunt. He turned me away from him so I faced the wall, coming in behind me. His body spooned mine; I shut my eyes, excitement building inside me at the feel of his long body against me. He let out a particularly deep sigh when I moved closer, gripping his forearm at my waist as I ground against him. He took a deep breath, burying his nose in my neck. I reached behind me to grip his erection in my fist, stroking the velvety skin slowly.

"Bella," he murmured, flattening his palm against my stomach as he opened his mouth on my neck, just below my ear. He sighed and hummed sounds of contentment as his tongue played along my skin. His hips flexed gently against me, moving in rhythm with my hand as I stroked the length of him. He let me play a little longer before he groaned into my neck, moving his hips out of my reach. "It feels too fucking good... not yet."

He slipped one arm underneath me and cupped my breast as the fingers of his other hand flattened on my belly and pressed me back against his cock. I could feel his teeth on my neck, scraping and marking, soothing my skin an instant later with the soft rasp of his tongue. I was trapped by sensation as his fingers teased my nipple, the other hand traveling lower, until the tip of his middle finger teased my clit. He slowly traced through my wetness, stroking the sensitive skin with a touch that was more torturous than pleasing. It felt wonderful; it just wasn't enough. I arched into his hand, trying to achieve the firmer touch I wanted.

"Edward, please." My voice seemed too loud for the quiet room. We were cocooned in thick silence; the only sounds were the rustling of the sheets and our breathing.

"Do you want me, Bella?"

God, I should never have teased him… and I _still_ couldn't resist doing it again.

"Nope," I squeaked, earning a growl that turned me on even more, if possible. I couldn't help but giggle, knowing it was a complete lie. He knew it.

"I had all these plans to tease you, but I can't wait," he said in a rough voice.

I smiled and turned my head to the side to look at him. He kissed me hard; pressing my head back into the pillow while he slowly pushed two fingers into me. His fingers curved in and out as he pressed the heel of his hand against me. I stiffened and moaned into his mouth, feeling too much and not enough pleasure all at once. The hand on my breast tightened; his fingers plucking and rolling my sensitive nipple. I felt myself begin to tighten around his hand as he worked between my legs; could feel the first flutter of what promised to be an orgasm that might kill me. Suddenly, his hand was gone, his wet fingers trailing down my thigh.

I moaned at the loss, ripping my mouth from his to complain. "I thought you said you weren't going to tease me!" I panted.

He gripped my knee and hooked it over his leg. I was fully exposed to him now, and I felt the thick head of him at my entrance. His fingers stroked fire back up the inside of my thigh before he placed his hand flat against my mound, spreading me open for him. He pushed inside me in one slow thrust, moaning into my ear as he pressed himself inside to the hilt. I was held at his mercy by his arms surrounding me, his legs holding me open, and most of all by his cock as he moved, the tip of him hitting me in just the right spot.

"Does that feel like teasing?" His voice was low and soft in my ear.

_Does he expect me to answer? I don't think I can remember how to speak…_

"So good," he muttered against my neck. _Good to know at least one of us was capable of speech._ "So fucking wet." His gruff words aroused me even more, but he froze suddenly. "Shit." I could feel his racing heartbeat where his chest pressed against my back. Finally, I regained the ability to speak.

"No stopping," I groaned, reaching back to grab his hip; pushing back against him when he started to pull out.

"Bella, I didn't use a condom." He rested his forehead on my shoulder, his breathing rough and erratic.

"It's okay. I'm on the pill. And I, uh… I don't have anything…" I said, embarrassed. I buried my face in the pillow, waiting for him to move away. He took a deep breath and his hands tightened on me. His hips twitched a bit, like he couldn't help himself.

"Are you sure?" he asked in a pained voice. I knew I had him. It made me feel good, knowing I had just as much of a pull on him as he seemed to have on me.

"God, yes!" I said, nearly suffocating because I couldn't remember how to breathe. He was moving again before I even finished speaking. He fucked me hard as he leaned even further into me, pushing me onto my stomach, his body caging me against the mattress. He gripped my knee, guiding it to the side, bringing his leg up beside mine. I could feel him even deeper inside of me with the shift in position. He licked and sucked at my neck as he brought his hand back to circle my clit with his fingertip.

"I'm going to make you feel so good, Bella," he whispered against my skin. He slowed his pace, going deeper than before, but moving so slowly that I could feel every inch of him as he slid inside and back out again. "Tell me how good it feels."

_Oh, my fucking GOD!_

I could only moan as he thrust against me, so completely turned on by his words that I couldn't speak even if I wanted to.

"Tell me, love," he said urgently. He stopped moving inside me completely; his thumb and forefinger pinching my clit. "Tell me…"

"_Oh, fuck…" _I was frantic, moving against him and trying to make him break, completely floored by his focus. I wanted to overwhelm him. Make him come apart, just like he did to me. "Make me cum, Edward!" I gasped, my voice breaking. He was so passionate, yet so gentle at the same time. He groaned and thrust into me hard, and I reached back and gripped his hair in my hand as he moved his hips against me.

"Bella, Bella…" he whispered over and over, thrusting faster and faster, his wet fingers and cock driving me into oblivion. I let my body relax, allowing him to mold me however he needed, only wanting him to feel pleasure; trusting him to do the same for me.

"Edward!" I screamed as I fell headlong into release, clenching around him.

"Oh, fucking _God_, Bella! Yes!" he grunted near my ear, thrusting hard and losing his rhythm as he came. Hearing and feeling him lose control was better than my own orgasm.

_I_ did that to him. _I_ made him cum. Biting my tongue, I smiled against the pillow as he slumped against me, holding back those three words that fought to escape my lips. I lay there, catching my breath and enjoying the tightness of his arms around me. He rolled to his side, taking me with him. I was boneless as he kissed my neck, his lips hot and soft below my jaw. He pulled the sheet over us and wrapped his arms around my waist, nuzzling his face into my hair. I placed my hands on top of his, interlacing our fingers.

"Good night, Bella," he said softly, just before his breathing evened out, becoming slow and deep. He relaxed against me in sleep, and I smiled. I loved him. I couldn't wait to repay him tomorrow morning.

The last thing I heard before falling to sleep was the tiny squeal of the girls, who were babbling some kind of welcome to Edward's little swimmers. I almost felt sorry for them. Thank God for oral contraceptives.

* * *

****

_A/N: No, Bella will not get pregnant. The girls are for entertainment purposes only._

_Voting begins tomorrow (July 16) for the Age of Edward Contest. I submitted an entry for 1960s/Woodstock Edward. It even includes an acid "Tripping" Bella. _

_http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5131986/1/Save_Your_Love_

_I'd love your vote, but definitely check out all the entries! All of 'em have smut, and I know that's what we all want, right?_

_****_

_If you're looking for a good AU, this one is awesome. Get in on the beginning; it's only 3 chapters in:_

_**Behind the Clouds** by EchoesOfTwilight_

_http://twilighted(dot)?sid=5855&textsize=0&chapter=1_

When it's time for the Cullen vampire clan to leave their home in Chicago, an old vision of Alice's dictates their next move. Six years earlier, Edward Masen had been a patient of Carlisle's: young, innocent, broken, and blissfully unaware of the destiny Alice had seen for him.

Now living in Forks, Edward is haunted, depressed, and consumed by unrequited love. A mysterious note turns up in the pages of a book given to him on the worst day of his life, leaving him more confused than ever about his place in the world. When the meaning of the message becomes clear in a single terrifying instant, Edward must make a painful choice in order to secure not only his own fate, but also the lives of the people he can't exist without.

****

_Thanks everyone for the reviews. As usual, I suck at replying, but they make me happier than the girls were when they saw Edward's little swimmers!_

_Sorry for subjecting you to that huge author's note. I'm ashamed of myself. Really._


	17. Chapter 17 What's New, Pussycat?

_I don't own _Twilight_. I do own the male version of Tanya the cat. _

_This chapter is brought to you by the letters WC. Ladies, thanks for inspiring my competitive rage. _

_Oh, and thank goodness for free wi-fi at Starbucks, or I couldn't have posted this._

_Shelly/Isabella303, my supah betah – you rule. WiPward and the Precious are on their way to your house. He's ready to demonstrate his finger dexterity... by playing RockBand, of course. _

* * *

**Chapter 17: What's New, Pussycat?**

Sleeping with Edward was the most uncomfortable and most enjoyable activity of my existence. It was enjoyable because of the activities that usually preceded said sleeping. These activities usually exhausted both of us, and led to us falling asleep comfortably wrapped in each others' arms. If only we could stay that way. I could even tolerate his snoring, because it wasn't an annoying, elephant-fart kind of snore. It was more of a cute, piglet kind of snore.

What I couldn't tolerate was his absolute monopolization of the entire bed. He slept like he was tied spread-eagled to the mattress. _Come to think of it… that's not a bad idea…_

_**Yes, Bella. We like the way you're thinking. Tie him down, so the Precious is at our mercy!**_

_I _did_ have all that yarn in the closet from that disastrous attempt I made at knitting…_

In retaliation for his bed-hogging, I'd taken to sleeping directly on top of him, drool be damned. I'd gotten over the embarrassment the first time it'd happened. I figured if he wanted the entire bed, _one that was perfectly large enough for two people_, he could expect to get drooled on.

This was how I woke up. Thankfully, if I'd drooled, it had dried overnight. I was laid out on top of him, my nose in his neck. I didn't particularly want to move, because this was where he smelled the best, especially after last night. This morning he was all Edward and sex, and a tiny bit of the lotion I always used. It was the best of both of us, and it was more arousing for me than any scent had a right to be.

_**They're called pheromones, Bella. You can Google them. **_

_Ignore, ignore, ignore… If I ignore them, they will go away. Sort of the opposite of_ Field of Dreams.

I took in another breath of bliss and tried to move, but soon discovered Edward's hand was anchored to my ass. It wasn't an altogether bad discovery. I relaxed again and took inventory. His knee was shoved between my legs and his other arm cupped my shoulder. This was a new development. I giggled quietly to myself as I realized he was hogging the bed without _actually hogging_ the bed. I _still_ didn't have free movement.

I wiggled experimentally, trying to see if I could extricate myself from the Chinese handcuff-type grip he'd wrapped me in. Edward took a deep breath and groaned, his face scrunching up into his "I don't want to wake up" face. I managed to prop myself up on an elbow and look down at him, smiling at his pursed lips, the top one sticking out just a bit more than the bottom. His hair stuck out in all directions, giving Einstein's 'do a run for its money.

Realizing I was trapped until he woke up, I sifted through my foggy brain to decide what would wake him the fastest. While kissing him awake was my preferred choice, I unfortunately had an urgent need for a human moment. So option two it was.

I leaned down to his ear, whispering, "Edward, wake up… your mother is on the phone." I was barely able to contain my laughter. His eyes snapped open, both limbs tensing around me, which did nothing for the precarious state of my full bladder.

"What? I didn't hear the phone. What does she want? We just saw her last night!" He rambled in a sleep-roughened voice.

"Edward," I squeaked, in serious danger of embarrassing myself. _Why do all my plans bite me in the ass?_ "Let go! I need to get up! Now!" My words got the opposite of what I desired. He rolled us over until I was flat on my back, his pelvis pressing into mine in the absolute worst spot, considering the circumstances. His lips were moving slowly on my neck, sending goose bumps everywhere.

"Don't want to get up," he pouted. "Don't want to talk to Mom." The last word was punctuated with a deep sigh, and I thought he was about to fall back asleep. Then he nudged his hips at me, and I discovered the Precious was very much awake.

"Edward, let me up for a second, please," I soothed, knowing him well enough that he needed to be dealt with delicately in the mornings. He was a bit of a grump when it came to getting out of bed. "Please? I have to _go_." I said through clenched teeth. We were talking T minus 10 seconds at the most here.

"Come right back?" he pleaded in a sleepy voice, placing a soft kiss on my neck as punctuation.

"I promise. Now off!" I was desperate. I'd be nice when I was back. He finally rolled away and I sprang out of the bed, racing to the bathroom. I closed the door to the sound of his sleep-roughened chuckle.

I took care of my business, unable to resist his awesome shower since I knew he'd fall right back to sleep. The hot water felt wonderful on my skin, relaxing and arousing all at once. Edward's shower was the best shower ever constructed. As far as I was concerned, it sprayed holy water mixed with fairy dust and sparkles, with a hint of unicorn magic. Of course, that may have had something to do with the christening we'd given it the day of the Devil's bike ride. I used Edward's soap again, hoping I'd get the same reaction I'd gotten the day before. Who knew that something as simple as smelling his soap on me would drive him nuts?

I quickly towelled dry, giving myself a little inspection in front of the mirror while I brushed my teeth. I'd begun to leave the odd toiletry item here and there at Edward's, and he did the same at mine. It made me happy to see our toothbrushes together wherever we stayed. _Yes, I _am_ that much of a sap. I freely admit it._

I leaned forward to rinse out my mouth and caught the little bruise at the base of my neck on the right side. My cheeks warmed with pleasure at the sight of his mark on me. Growing up, I'd always thought hickeys were trashy and pointless. This was by no means a hickey, but it was something; a tender, tiny reddish purple crescent right at the nape of my neck. Right in the space Edward loved to nibble because he knew how much I liked it.

I smiled and looked further, down over my torso, catching the faint shadows of his fingers on my breast. I wasn't tender at all. I continued my inspection, finding similar soft marks over my hip. I trailed my fingers over the faint lavender-colored shapes, feeling no pain, only a sense of satisfaction that his marks on the outside matched those inside of me that he didn't even know he'd made.

The door clicked open behind me and I met his vibrant eyes in the mirror.

"Hi," he said tentatively. "I thought I'd come see what was taking you so long." He shrugged and stepped into the room, his sweet half-grin plain on his face. "You left me hanging."

"You're so impatient," I sighed, smirking at him in my reflection.

"You must be rubbing off on me," he quipped, stretching and scrubbing one hand through his hair. I had to lock my knees at the sight and brace my palm on the countertop to hold myself up.

"Me? I have the patience of a saint," I lied.

He laughed and fixed the Tractor Beam on me, replying, "You're right. I guess I just can't keep my hands off you." He came closer and let his eyes trail down my naked body, the grin dissolving from his face when he noticed the marks at my breast and hip. He came flush against me, his chest to my back as he held my arms away from the affected areas.

"Edward, I'm fine."

"Bella, I hurt you," he said, his voice pained, as he ran his fingertips softly over the marks. I suspected it was more to comfort himself than to assess their severity.

"No, Edward. I'm not hurt at all. I… I like it," I mumbled, blushing fiercely and looking down.

"You're sure it doesn't hurt?" He pressed closer to me, his arms winding around my waist as he set his chin on the top of my head. I looked up to meet his somber eyes in the mirror. Taking one of his hands, I enfolded it in both of mine and brought them to my lips. I kissed his palm tenderly, keeping my eyes on his. My heart sped up as his eyelids fell shut and he kissed my hair. I leaned back against him and laid my cheek into his palm.

"It doesn't hurt, Edward. I love everything we do together," I said quietly.

"I don't ever want to hurt you, Bella," he said into my hair, his breath sending chills skittering down my spine. I turned in his arms and laid my head against his chest, winding my arms tightly around his waist. The tone of his voice, the tension in his muscles, and the fast beat of his heart against my cheek all told more of the story than his simple words.

"You won't." I held his face in both hands and rubbed my thumbs across his cheeks, enjoying the rasp of the stubble that had grown overnight. Standing on tiptoe, I kissed him quickly when he would have answered, using one of his own tactics against him. He finally realized what I was doing, and I felt him smile against my lips. "Besides," I said between kisses, "Meat Sweats might get mad if you do something to screw up his connection… and his meat withdrawals might be horrific."

He laughed and lifted me to sit on the vanity, and I squealed when my butt hit the cold marble.

"Mother of God, that's cold!" I gasped, clinging to him, trying to get away from the frigid countertop. He just held me closer and chuckled, sealing his mouth firmly over mine. I promptly forgot all about the cold, hooking my legs around his waist and arching my back, as he ran his palms up from my hips and into my hair. I sighed when his tongue traced the sensitive inner curve of my bottom lip, tentatively returning the gesture. His hands clenched in my hair and he moaned softly. Of all the kisses we'd shared, this one seemed softer, more intense, and more heartfelt. It was like our first kiss all over again, yet the familiarity we had with one another added a completely new depth.

He nibbled his way down my chin, his stubbly face lightly abrading my skin. I sighed at the prickly sensation he left in his wake as he kissed and licked down my neck. He paused at his mark on my neck, pressing the softest, warmest kiss over the bruise. Letting my hair sift through his fingers, he trailed his fingertips down, mapping a delicate trail over my collarbones. He finally drew them low enough to trace the outer curves of my breasts. I tipped my head back, feeling the damp ends of my hair tickle my lower back. I squirmed at the feather-light touch, inadvertently pressing myself harder into Edward's hands.

His lips grazed the divot where my collarbones met and he exhaled, filling it with his hot breath. Laying a tiny trail of kisses down my sternum, I watched him, running my fingers through his crazy hair and admiring his beautiful eyelashes as they cast sooty shadows on his cheekbones. Guys always got the longest, thickest lashes. Not fair. Drag queens would cut a bitch for Edward's lashes.

_**Let us do our job, Bella, and he can pass those eyelashes on to your daughters…**_

_Absolutely. No. Talking. None. One more peep, and Edward gets a blow job. You'll get nothing._

Dragging his lips over to the underside of my breast, he nuzzled me with his whole face before cupping me gently in his palm. He laid soft, humid kisses on each mark his fingers had left, whispering what sounded like "so sorry" after each kiss. The tenderness of the gesture brought tears to my eyes that I fought my hardest to contain. After he finished, he moved down to my hip and knelt before me, resting his chin on my thigh.

I stroked his hair softly; the repetitive motion helping to keep me grounded in the moment. It was so easy to become overwhelmed with the emotions he so easily pulled from my soul. He fixed his vibrant green eyes on mine, the intensity of his stare daring me to look away, as he kissed each light bruise on my hip. Sliding his hands around to grip my flanks, he pulled me to the very edge of the cabinet and lifted one of my legs over his shoulder.

I licked my lower lip, still staring into his eyes, as he stroked his thumb firmly over the lips of my sex. His eyes finally slid closed when he felt me, a small groan escaping his throat. He trailed the tip of his nose along the sensitive skin where my thigh met my body, sending every nerve-ending in the vicinity into excitement.

"Edward," I whimpered, moments before he licked me, a broad, flat swipe of his tongue that made my hips jerk in response.

"Mmmm," he sighed, pressing his face into me a little harder as he stroked a hand up my ribs to cup my breast, brushing his thumb over my taut nipple. His other hand was busy between my legs, two fingers teasing my entrance, barely penetrating until I didn't know if I could take it anymore. I nearly died when he fastened his soft lips around my clit and slowly pushed inside me. Collapsing back against the mirror, I put my other foot up on the counter, searching for leverage so I could arch into his touch.

He was in no hurry, tasting every inch of me, his soft growls and moans vibrating against my slick flesh. My climax almost took me by surprise, crashing over me so powerfully I knocked my head against the mirror. I didn't care. My world was narrowed to Edward, our bodies, and the way he touched me.

He kissed his way up my stomach as I trembled in the aftermath, stopping to kiss the swells of my breasts and flick his tongue over my nipples. I let my legs fall off the edge of the counter and sucked in a sharp breath, almost too sensitive after my release to stand it.

"I don't know if I can take any more," I gasped, my hands gripping his shoulders. He brought his lips up to my neck, scraping me with his day-old beard as he nuzzled just under my ear, one hand going to my waist.

"Shhh," he breathed. "Relax, love. You can take me. I'll make it good." I had no doubt about that, but I might be catatonic by the time it was over.

"God, you're going to kill me…" He cut me off with his lips, and all thought of speaking was forgotten as I tasted both of us on his tongue. It wasn't unpleasant; it excited me even more, because it rocked me with the memories of what he'd just done. I kissed him back fiercely, following his tongue back into his mouth. He broke away and rested his forehead against mine, looking down as he gripped himself. We both watched as he guided his cock to my slit, pushing inside me in an agonizingly slow stroke. The tendons in his neck stood out as he gritted his teeth, groaning as he pulled back out at the same pace.

"Never… never felt so good," he gritted, snaking his arms around my back and pulling me against his chest. I buried my face in his neck, gripping his shoulders and nibbling on his collarbone as he pumped faster.

"Oh…" I whispered, as he raised his left hand to cup the back of my neck. I wanted so badly to tell him I loved him, tell him there would never be anyone else for me, never be anyone that made me feel like he did. I squeezed my eyes shut and kept my lips pressed to his smooth skin, and if I mouthed the words as he thrust into me, he'd never know. His breath rushed past my ear as he hung his head next to mine, harsh bursts of air interspersed with gravelly moans.

His right hand roamed down my back, then he palmed my hip, holding me steady for his thrusts. Unsatisfied with his leverage, he slid his arm underneath my thigh, holding my knee in the crook of his elbow and planting his hand on the marble countertop. I hooked my other leg around his hip, my heel finding purchase against the back of his thigh. With the new angle, he rubbed firmly on my clit with every stroke.

"Edward… Oh God…" I repeated over and over, digging my nails into his shoulders as I came hard around him, tears burning at the backs of my eyes.

"Oh, fuck," he muttered, groaning and pressing me harder against his chest. "So perfect…" His thrusts became shorter, harder, as he dragged his left hand down my spine, curling his arm around my hips, dragging me even further off the edge of the counter and leaning forward. "Do you want me to cum for you, love?"

"Now, now…" It might have been an unintelligible moan. I tightened my arms around him and dug my heel into the back of his leg. I loved hearing him talk to me when he was this lost, this vulnerable.

"Yeah… hold me tighter, Bella!" I squeezed my inner muscles around him, wringing another curse from his lips. He crushed his mouth to mine, thrusting twice more before moaning into my mouth as he shot inside me.

I couldn't hold back the tear that leaked from the corner of my eye as I raised shaking hands to his face. He lowered my left leg gently so he could hug me with both arms as he released my lips, opening his beautiful pine-forest eyes to look down at me. His face broke into the most endearing smile as he gently brushed the tear from my cheek.

"You all right?" he whispered. I nodded, grinning back at him as a laugh escaped my lips, the only vocalization I could offer at the moment. "Good."

"How about you?" I managed a few seconds later. It was his turn to laugh softly before he answered.

"Never been better in my life."

* * *

After another shower (together, to save water, of course) and an hour-long nap, I sat at Edward's kitchen table as he plopped a huge bowl of Cookie Crisp in front of me. He poured himself an even bigger bowl and sat down, handing me the milk. After adding enough to have the right amount of cookie-flavored milk when the cereal was done, I handed him the jug and dug in.

"So the doctor eats Cookie Crisp, huh?" I asked, shoving a bite of chocolate chip goodness into my mouth.

"Is there any other kind of cereal?"

I didn't know it was possible to smirk while eating candy disguised as breakfast cereal. But evidently, if you're Edward Cullen, lots of things are possible. I snorted and took another bite.

"I figured you'd eat something 'doctor recommended,' like Fiber One or something equally gas-inducing," I responded. His eyebrow rose and he paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth.

_**Bella! That is **_**so **_**unladylike! **_

_Shove it, girls. You're not exactly the epitome of Emily Post._

"Bella, please don't talk about farting while I'm eating. And for future reference? Fart jokes are only funny when told by males," he drawled.

_**Told you so.**_

_Ugh. It's not good for my stomach when he agrees with the girls. _

"Hey, you're the one who said 'farting.' I simply implied that the cereal I thought you'd prefer would be the kind that wasn't easily processed by the human digestive system." I grinned at him as his jaw dropped open, then snapped shut. "Pretty sexist opinion, by the way," I added.

"I can't believe I'm about to say this, considering the topic of conversation..." He paused, shaking his head. "But that brain of yours is so fucking sexy."

I dropped my spoonful of cereal down the front of my t-shirt, and then burst out laughing.

"Seriously," he said, laughing at my attempts to salvage the soggy mini cookies from my lap. I threw them into his cereal bowl. He laughed even harder, making it a point to scoop up my offerings and shoving them in his mouth. "Really! Your ability to spin is remarkable. Dubya could have used a speechwriter like you."

I plunked my spoon into the bowl, milk sloshing everywhere, as I stared at him with a dumb grin on my face. He howled with laughter.

"Ha ha. Just don't call me Carl Rove," I sniped as I got up to get a rag, flicking him in the shoulder as I passed his chair. He smacked my ass and I gave him a dirty look.

I loved it, of course.

As I walked back to the table, I heard a strange warbling noise. It sounded sort of like a miniature Chewbacca on helium.

"What the heck is that?" I froze as I heard it again.

"I have no idea," he answered, getting up and heading for the front door. I followed behind hesitantly, the noise growing louder as we approached. "I don't see anyone out there." He sounded puzzled. When he opened the door a crack, the noise turned into a sweet, pleading meow.

I should have known. Tanya the devil-cat.

Edward threw the door open to reveal the giant feline, but something was strange. At her feet sat a tiny grey fluffball. She had a kitten! She looked down at her baby, meowing plaintively before picking it up by the scruff of its neck and trotting right into his living room.

"Looks like you have a couple houseguests," I joked. He just stared after the cat, shutting the door absentmindedly.

"I can't believe she's still so fat," he muttered. "That kitten has got to be at least two weeks old." He walked over to the rug, where Tanya had deposited her baby. "Look, its eyes are open already."

"Where are the rest of them?" I wondered aloud.

"I don't know," he said. "Maybe she only had the one?"

"But she was _huge_!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms wide apart to illustrate. He snickered at me.

"She still is."

"You've got a point," I conceded, walking closer to the mother and baby. Tanya began growling as soon as I got within a three-foot radius. I backed off, holding up my hands. Edward smirked at me and approached the devil-cat.

The bitch started purring and nudged her spawn toward him. He picked the kitten up gently, his hands dwarfing the tiny thing.

"Want to hold her?" he asked, coming over to me.

"How do you know it's a girl?" I was skeptical.

"I just do. She looks like a little girl." He grinned at me, and I warily stretched out a hand to touch the soft fur. The kitten blinked its sleepy blue eyes at me, its tiny mouth opening in a wide yawn before passing out in a split second in Edward's palm. "She likes me."

"All women like you," I muttered, rolling my eyes. He looked at me under his eyelashes, his eyes glinting at me. I melted a little.

"Well, since I know _you_ like me just a little, will you do me a favor and grab a can of cat food out of the cabinet?" He knew I couldn't resist that look.

"You've been feeding her?" I asked dubiously. He shrugged, then cradled the kitten to his chest. I frowned at him. _Am I really jealous of a baby cat?_ "You realize she'll never leave you alone now. You could probably move and she'd follow you."

"Please? She needs food to feed this sweet little baby," he wheedled.

The fool batted his eyelashes at me.

The girls fainted. A few of my brain cells died.

"You're gay," I grumbled, walking to the kitchen and searching through his cabinets.

"Thank you, Bella," he said sweetly. "It's in the cupboard to the left of the refrigerator."

I flipped him off with a grin and pulled a can of cat food from the shelf. I watched Edward, silly grin pasted on my face, as I got a little bowl for the wet food. Tanya ambled over, threading her chunky body through my legs and purring like I was her very favorite servant. _Of course I am. I have the food_. I watched in amusement as Edward crooned to the little kitten, the soft tone of his voice making me feel mushy.

_**Oh, Bella, listen to him! He'd make such a good father, and not just for his genes…**_

Was it a bad thing that I sort of agreed with them?

_Yes, Bella! Bad! Ignore the evolutionary instinct…_

I took a deep breath, still staring at him as I yanked the pop-tab on the cat food… and promptly sliced the shit out of my middle finger.

"FUCK!" I yelled, dropping the cat food on the counter as I grabbed my finger, blood dripping from my hand onto the marble. Tanya leapt up to the counter as I hopped around.

Greedy bitch was more ravenous than a Hungry Hungry Hippo. I was dying here, and she just wanted her food.

"What happened? Bella, are you okay?" Edward came rushing over, having deposited the sleeping kitten in a snug corner of the couch.

"I think the tip of my finger is somewhere in the cat food," I groaned, still hopping on one foot. Because, honestly, jumping around like a spazz really does alleviate pain in other parts of the body. I knocked into his chest, smearing blood across his t-shirt. Good thing it was black and hid blood well. That wasn't the only good attribute it had, however. He looked fuckhot. My eyes were drawn to the v-neck, and I temporarily forgot about the throbbing pain in my finger. He steadied me, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"Let me see," he said softly, taking my hands in his once I got my footing. He gently pried the fingers of my left hand off of my middle finger, frowning as he observed the v-shaped cut. I gulped when I saw it, trying not to get dizzy. _That does_ not _look good_.

"Will you get me a Band-Aid?" I asked hopefully.

"Bella, you need stitches for this. It won't heal properly without something to close this flap of skin," he explained, pointing to the _giant_ flap of skin hanging off my finger.

Fuck. I _hated _getting stitches. I've had enough thread in me to sew a fucking jacket, but that never made the process any easier or less terrifying. I turned into a raging bitchbot every time, my self-defense instincts flaring up anytime someone came at me with a needle.

"Are you sure you can't just superglue it shut for me? I'll even let you pour the sizzle shit on there."

"No, Bella," he sighed. I stuck my lower lip out at him, yet he remained unfazed. He reached to grab a clean towel from a drawer in the kitchen island, but froze with his hand still in the drawer.

"Hey," I snapped, somewhat snidely (the bitchbot was beginning to make her appearance), "girlfriend bleeding to death over here? I'll haunt you and that damn cat if I die!" I followed his gaze to where Tanya was happily cleaning up the mess on the counter… except she wasn't eating the cat food.

_That cat really is the spawn of Satan_.

She was licking up my blood drops!

_**Bella, we're afraid of the she-beast. Make her go away.**_

"Your cat is a vampire," I said disgustedly. I skirted her warily on my way to the sink; afraid she'd smell me as the source of her delicious snack and decide she wanted more. She already hated me; she'd probably enjoy ripping my throat out.

"She's not my cat," he argued, mopping up the counter, doing an exceptionally good job of avoiding the claws of death as she swatted at him.

"You feed a cat and it's yours forever…" I trailed off. He didn't respond.

The cut stung like fire when I ran cold water over it. The top half of my finger was hanging off. Okay, maybe that was a slight exaggeration. I was still worried about the future function of The Finger. It _did_ have a fairly important role in my life, especially when I got to drive Edward's car or had to interact with Emmett.

When he was finished with the countertop and Tanya was happily eating food from her bowl, he came to me with a clean towel. He laid the towel over my arm before scrubbing his hands, and then he doused my cut with the peroxide that seemed to accompany every sink in his home. I stoically kept my mouth shut, while calling him every dirty name in the book inside my head. Carefully wrapping my finger with the towel, he dropped a quick kiss on my cartoon-sized appendage.

"Let's make sure the cats are good to stay here for a while, then we'll go to the hospital," he instructed, encircling my shoulders and leading me to the couch. The kitten slept peacefully as her evil mother snarfed down her food. "We won't be gone long; I can get you into triage fast… I've got connections." He winked, and I smiled stupidly in spite of the fact that my finger would likely have to be amputated.

_**Will we get to see Dr. Hoo-Ha?**_

I wondered if I could get something to silence the girls while we were there. Perhaps an anti-psychotic?

* * *

Three hours later, we were finally leaving the hospital. Edward's "connections" didn't apply when a thirty person church group visiting the Market became ill with food poisoning.

I stared at my hand, making sure I still had my finger. It was weird, not being able to _feel _it there. I had to glance at it every once in a while, just to make sure it was still attached to my body. I was now the proud owner of three ugly stitches in my middle finger and a lump the size of a golf ball on my upper left arm, thanks to the tetanus shot they'd insisted on giving me. That shot had hurt worse than everything else combined. Now I was tired, grouchy, and hungry. I'd already called in to work tonight, but I'd really miss those tips.

_You can just use your extra time today to look through the want ads again_, I told myself. For the millionth time.

"How's it feel?" Edward asked as we pulled up to his building. I noticed he paid careful attention to the height of the curb this time, drawing a smirk out of me. I held up my right hand, pointing it at him like a foam finger at a sporting event.

"Well, we could paint it in Mariners colors and watch a game… I could save you ten-fifty with this monster," I joked.

"Ha ha, Bella. How does it _feel_?"

"It's still mostly numb, but it's starting to burn a little bit," I admitted.

"That's normal. It's just the anesthetic wearing off. We'll get you some Tylenol when we get upstairs."

He led me to the loft, keeping me stuck to his side the entire way. We opened the door to no obvious chaos, and were pleasantly surprised to find our visitors curled up on the ottoman near the fireplace.

"I'm tired," I yawned, leaning heavily against him.

"It's the tetanus vaccination," he explained. It makes some people sleepy. You might also feel a little achy tomorrow. So you're staying here tonight. I'll call work and see if they've got someone to cover me if you don't feel well." Although the thought of Edward playing Nurse Nightingale made me smile, I didn't want him to miss work. He had such an important job – his patients needed him much more than I did.

"Edward, you don't need to do that. I'm plenty capable of taking care of myself if I get sick. I've done it all my life." Renee wasn't much of a nurse. Her bedside manner consisted of drugging me up with NyQuil until I passed out on the couch with the babysitters known as Monty Python and Cheech and Chong.

He led me to the bedroom and helped me strip down to my t-shirt and underwear. I slid underneath the covers he held back for me, and he tucked them snugly around my form. He sat next to me, stroking my hair back from my forehead.

"I want to take care of you," he said earnestly. "I would love to help you. Let me." I sighed, my eyes drooping.

_**He can 'take care' of us anytime… in more ways than one…**_

_Damn. Why doesn't a tetanus shot make the girls want to pass out?_

"Okay, Doctor," I said with a sleepy smile.

"I knew you'd see it my way. I'll just get you some pain meds." It was definitely possible to _hear_ a smirk. He was back in less than a minute, holding a couple pills and a glass of water. "I'm sorry, Bella, but all I have is Tylenol PM," he said apologetically.

"'S fine," I yawned. "I'm passing out anyway." I sat up and downed the pills and water before flopping back onto the pillow.

"I'll be in the living room if you need me," he told me, leaning down to give me a kiss. I tried to grab his hair with both hands, but using my right hand proved to be difficult for some reason…

_**Bella, your right hand is mummified, remember?**_

_Right._ _Or was that left? I'm an idiot._

He chuckled against my lips and removed my hands from his hair. "Take your nap." He looked at me suggestively. "I want to examine you later," he added.

I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

* * *

I woke later to something warm laying across my neck. I tested all my limbs, finding I had free range of movement, so I knew it wasn't a body part that belonged to Edward. I was in the throes of a Tylenol PM hangover. Zombified, spaced-out Bella was in the house.

Cracking my eyes open, I reached up to touch whatever was growing out of my neck.

It had fur. I wasn't suffocating, so it couldn't have been Tanya.

_Aww. The baby likes me__**.**_

Of course she liked me. Edward and I were the only respectable parents she'd ever known in her short life. Her mother was a fat, whore of a cat. I stroked her tiny head softly, smiling widely when she began to purr. I instantly fell in love.

_**She is **_**not **_**our daughter, Bella. It's a cat. If you want kids, give us more Precious!**_

Edward appeared in the doorway, looking surprised to find me awake.

"Look," I whispered. He gave me my favorite smile and came to lie next to me on the bed.

"I know. I put her in here with you. Tanya wanted out, so she needed someone to cuddle with. You two needed some bonding time," he declared.

"We did, huh?" I giggled. I blamed the Tylenol PM haze for my lack of mental capacity. "Well, thank you. She needs a good role model." I said with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, really?" he laughed.

"Yes, her mother is a tramp. We're the only respectable parents she's ever known." _Why, oh why, did I insist on blurting my insane thoughts to him?_

"Oh, so she's our child now?" He looked at me from underneath his lashes, petting the kitten gently and then stroking his hand down my left arm, threading his fingers through mine. I melted completely.

"Yep." _I might as well brazen it out. If he thinks it's weird, at least I have the Tylenol PM excuse_.

"Well, she needs a name, then. We can't just call her 'cat.'"

"Hmm," I sighed, scrunching up my face with my 'thinking' look.

"She's grey, how about Smokey?" Edward suggested. I considered it for a split second.

"No… that's too conventional for our baby. Plus, it reminds me of Jake," I added. Edward pretended to shudder. I thought for a moment more, through my medicinal haze. "I've got it!" I said loudly, startling the kitten. She just moved around a bit and promptly passed out again.

"Do tell," he prompted, smirking at me. _Maybe I could name her Smirk, after her 'father'…_ No, I had a good one. "Okay. It's out there. But I think it's perfect for our firstborn."

"Yes? T-t-t-t-today, Junior," he joked, making me fall in love with him all over again at his knowledge of _Billy Madison_ quotes. I finished giggling at his joke and took a deep breath.

"How about… Renesmee?"

* * *

_A/N: No epic author's note here, BUT... I personally have to say, I think this is a MUCH better incarnation of Renesmee... _

_My Age of Edward Contest entry is in the second round of voting, which begins July 22! _

_So... less reviews for last chapter. Then again, I didn't give you much time btw updates to catch up. I broke 100 reviews for 2 chapters in a row, then nosedive... sigh. Do I need to make you all look at The Pout? _

_God, I am such a dirty review whore...But seriously, thank you so much to everyone who reviews, alerts, and reads WiP. I'm glad you're still with me through all my nonsense._


	18. Chapter 18 Cougar Rawr

Guess what??!?! I don't own Twilight, can you believe it?? I do own a Wii Fit that tells me I'm fat. I told it to FUCK OFF.

TY Shelly/Isabella303 for being all-around Alpha Beta and fixing my comma deficiency. I don't thank you for kicking my ass at air hockey. I do thank you for showing me the wondrousness that is the Irish Car Bomb.

* * *

**Chapter 18: Cougar... RAWR.**

"Renesmee?" he snorted. I had to wait for him to stop laughing for almost two full minutes (I timed it on the alarm clock) until he wiped the tears from his eyes (yes, _tears_); then he picked up the shovel again and started digging his hole a little deeper. "What the hell kind of name is that? Did they give you a shot of Demerol when I was out of the treatment room?"

The fact that he looked so cute with his face scrunched up might have been the only reason I didn't smack him. Well, if you didn't count my injured hand and the sleeping kitten. One, my finger hurt like hell, and two, parents shouldn't fight in front of their children.

_**That feline is not our child. There's only one pussy Edward should like, and it doesn't make noise. If it does… you've got a problem we can't fix.**_

_Ha. Like they could fix problems. They cause _nothing but_ problems for me._

"No, Edward," I said, sneering at him. "I have nothing but your crappy Tylenol PM and some rapidly fading fido… fidoca…" I paused, frowning. _What the hell is that shit called?_

"You mean lidocaine?" he prompted, making a horrible show of trying to keep his face straight after his laughing fit.

"Yes!" I hissed, startling my little bundle of fur awake. She responded with the tiniest hiss I'd ever heard. "See? Renesmee thinks you should quit laughing at me for bestowing upon her a completely awesome name."

"Bella…" He stifled another laugh before continuing. "I think you should go back to sleep. You're obviously a little out of it." He then had the audacity to unlace his fingers from mine, and then rest the backs of his fingers against my forehead. The jerk was checking me for a fever!

"I am not delirious," I said tightly, trying to give him 'The Look.' It was something that has been passed from woman to woman in my family. I learned it from my Grandma Marie. 'The Look' is supposed to put fear into the hearts of every man or child. Lord knows it had "lit a fire under my behind," as Grandma M. would say, whenever she used it on me.

It was _not_ working on Edward. Maybe, like something straight out of that Medical Mysteries show, my face had gone numb in an adverse reaction to the Lidocaine? Maybe it was the Tylenol PM? _There is no way he's immune to 'The Look!'_ My facial muscles were just not responding to my brain's demands.

He simply ran his hand over my hair before returning it to its original position, entwined with mine.

"Love, are you in pain?" he joked.

_The facial paralysis hypothesis is out the window. He's immune to The Look!_

"I think it's a good name," I defended, huffing out a breath. "I combined both our moms' names. Renee and Esme. Renesmee. Get it?" He smiled softly at me, and my irritation was diffused a lot faster than I would have liked.

"I will never guess what's coming next from that brain of yours, will I?"

"I'll give you however long you want to keep trying," I said, before clamping my lips shut so no more man-scaring, commitment-suggestive drivel could escape. _Tone it down, Bella!_

"It could take a long time," he commented absently, getting under the covers and scooting a little closer to me, so we could lay our heads on the same pillow.

"How long is a 'long time'?" I asked nervously, my mouth suddenly dry.

"A while." He laughed softly as he said it. I snuggled up to him and he laid our joined hands on my stomach. Renesmee twitched in her sleep, tickling my neck.

"Okay then," I said, when what I really wanted to say was: _God, Edward, I love you. My ovaries want to have your children. Can we be together forever and ever in our happy place? I'll wear a white teddy and serve you pitchers of O'Doul's, while a little dude dressed in a cowboy uniform rides by on a tricycle…_

Wait… that wasn't my happy place. That was Happy Gilmore's happy place.

Maybe I did need just a bit more sleep.

"Bella?" Edward mumbled sleepily.

"Uh-huh?" I yawned.

"We can name the kitten Renesmee on one condition: if I can think of a good nickname related to that… that _name_ worthy of a Hollywood celebuspawn, we use that." I thought over his offer. He wouldn't be able to come up with a nickname, so I felt safe in agreeing.

"Okay. But her real name will still be Renesmee?" I didn't want to seem too cocky. Edward was just as competitive as me. He didn't need extra motivation.

"Sure, love." His breathing began to deepen and even out, signaling he was asleep. I let my eyes close on the image of Edward sleeping next to me, not caring if I went to sleep. Lying here with him was enough.

* * *

Edward was an excellent nursemaid. The tetanus shot left me tired and achy the next morning, and I really wanted nothing more than to be a grouch. Of course, that wasn't fair to Edward, so I had to slam the garbage can lid on top of my inner Oscar. I almost succeeded in stuffing away my grouchiness, but then Renee called. I loved my mother, I really did, but there were certain times that I just couldn't deal with her crazy, spacey personality. This was one of those times.

I couldn't even use Edward as an excuse to get off the phone, because the coward had run out of the loft and up to the garden (with the she-beast and the baby furball) as soon as he'd figured out it was my mother. At least _he_ was with the baby; I wouldn't want little Renesmee spending too much time alone with the whore cat and picking up any of her trampy ways.

"So, Bella! Tell me all about your week," she began, and then proceeded to tell me about _every single fucking thing_ she'd done this morning.

It took twenty minutes. It was only ten-thirty a.m.

"How's Edward?" The sing-song voice she used for his name made me long to reach through the phone and slap her. I regretted ever telling her about him, just to save myself the annoyance and embarrassment when they eventually met.

"Mom, do you have to say it that way every time?" I asked, sighing heavily at the end. "You make it sound like we're in the third grade, when 'going out' meant holding hands and chasing each other on the playground."

"Sorry, honey. I'm sure you two are way past the handholding stage by now."

"Yes, Mom. He actually kissed me on the cheek, can you believe it?" I retorted.

"Does this mean I can ask you about your sex life?" she asked excitedly.

"Absolutely n –" I began, but I was cut off. Evidently, she'd only heard the "absolutely." Bad word choice on my part. I only had myself to blame.

"How is it? Is it big? Does he know how to use it_?_" I looked at the ceiling, taking a deep breath to quell the embarrassment. My cheeks flamed. Then it got worse. "I always said that was the one thing I missed about your father," she sighed. My jaw dropped open and black crept in at the sides of my vision, my poor brain comprehending what she was actually speaking about. My lips formed words, but no sound would come out. I could see myself in slow motion as I tried to protest and pull the phone away from my ear before it was damaged forever. "Your father was a big man."

The girls screamed in agony.

I had to fight the urge to claw my own eyes out and jab q-tips into my ears until I went deaf. Thank God, I finally found my voice.

"SHUT UP, RENEE! Or I swear to God, Buddha, Allah, Satan, motherfucking ZEUS, or _whoever_ the hell you worship these days, I will never speak to you again!" I choked out. "You do realize you just caused irreparable damage to your daughter's fragile psyche, don't you?" I demanded.

"Oh, honey, don't be so uptight. Mothers and daughters should talk about everything," she insisted.

"No, Mom, they should definitely not talk about everything. Sex is at the top of the list of things not to talk about. End of discussion."

"Bella?" She sounded concerned. This couldn't be good.

"Yes, Mommy Dearest?" I asked, sort of snidely. Oscar was back in full force, with Devil Bella sitting on his green fuzzy shoulder. I hadn't seen Angel Bella since the night of graduation. I was beginning to fear for her well-being.

"Does your Edward have a small penis? Is that why you don't want to talk about it?"

I couldn't speak. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but telling my mother to fuck off and die didn't seem like the best idea.

_No, for your information, he doesn't. Not that I'll ever be interested in sex again after you killed my libido with that comment about Charlie…_

_**NONONONONO! We're dying down here!**_

_I know, girls. It will be okay. She's dead to us after this._

"No," I growled through gritted teeth. "Can we talk about normal things, please? Like, 'how's the job search going, Bella?'"

"Bella, honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. But I want you to know, it's not the size of the craft…" she began.

"LALALALALALALA," I sang obnoxiously.

"Okay, okay," she conceded. "So when are you coming to visit me? Phil is on the road and I need a buddy to hit the beach with!" It shouldn't have amazed me how fast my mother could flit from topic to topic; after all, she'd done it my entire life.

"I don't know, Mom. I need to find a new job, so I'm concentrating on that right now," I hedged. I really didn't want to plan a trip to Jacksonville. I was having too much fun with Edward. Plus, I had a whole new set of responsibilities now, since little Renesmee had come into our lives.

"Well, you think about it, sweetie. I'm free anytime for my baby girl," she said.

"Okay, Mom. I've got to go. I've got some errands to run," I lied.

"Love you, Bella!"

"Love you, too, Mom." The line was already dead. I sighed and flopped back on the couch, throwing my arm over my eyes. Thirty minutes on the phone with my mother was enough to exhaust me when I was at one hundred percent. I felt like complete donkey shit at the moment. I knew I couldn't put off Renee forever. She might be a space case, but she wouldn't be fooled if I kept giving her the run around.

I knew one thing: I was definitely waiting to have Edward meet her. That was a humiliation I was not ready for. I'd rather spend hours trapped in an elevator with a gassy Emmett.

* * *

By that evening, I was feeling a quite bit better as I flipped through the classifieds in the Sunday edition that Edward had picked up for me. I frowned, realizing there were even fewer prospects for jobs that actually used my degree than I'd originally thought. And to be honest, I hadn't been that optimistic to begin with.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Edward asked as he sat a plate with a delicious-smelling grilled hot ham and cheese sandwich on the coffee table and sat down next to me, pulling my feet into his lap.

"Stupid classifieds. I need a real job… and I don't want to sell cars or be a telemarketer," I grumbled, looking from him to the sandwich and back again. I folded the paper in half and set it on the floor in front of me.

"Are you that eager to quit working at the restaurant?" he inquired. I watched in horror as he picked up a triangle (yes, he'd cut it in half diagonally – the only way to cut a sandwich properly) and ate half of it in one bite. I nearly burst into tears at the thought of the cheesy, salty, buttery goodness that wouldn't be going into my tummy.

"I thought you made that for me," I whined, eyeing what was left in his hand and on the plate.

"Oh, really?" He set down the sandwich half and wiped his fingers on a napkin. What a waste of good butter and bread crumbs. I wanted to lick his fingers clean. "Are you hungry?" he asked, just a hint of the smirk to come showing at the corners of his lips.

"Don't underestimate the lengths I'm willing to go to for processed, salty pork and melted cheese food product," I threatened, digging my heel into his thigh as he picked up another bite. My foot was dangerously close to the Precious. Of course, the girls would drive me to insanity if I injured Edward's junk. Which I would never do, considering it had never once backtalked me or smirked at me.

I lost myself for a moment, staring into space as I pondered the thought of a smart-assed, smirking penis. _What the hell was in that Tylenol PM?_

"So I guess you don't want it?" Edward's voice faded in as I pulled myself out of the talking peen-induced daydream.

"Yes, I want it!" My response was so spastic that I jerked my foot, hitting his hand and sending the food flying. It landed on the hardwood floor with a splat, sending Tanya running from her blanket in the corner. She dragged poor Renesmee a couple feet, who was still attached like a limpet to one of her gigantic cat-nipples. Our feline-child stared after the whore-cat forlornly for a moment, before shaking her head and curling up on the edge of the blanket right where she'd lost her… _grip_.

Satisfied that Renesmee was none the worse for wear, Edward and I turned our attention to the loud smacking noises coming from the she-beast. We stared in awe as Tanya scarfed down the remains of the sandwich half in about sixty seconds. Without looking away from the spectacle unfolding on the floor in front of us, Edward handed me the plate.

"It's yours. I lost my appetite," he said.

"Thank you, Dr. Precious," I said sarcastically.

_Oh, no. I just said that? _ My brain filter needed a replacement, as it was obviously so clogged with all the other junk I threw at it constantly; the pressure must have built and built until it just burst, giving all kinds of embarrassing thoughts a free ride right out of my mouth.

"Dr. Precious?" he repeated. "Why do I have the feeling that you'd be really embarrassed if I ever find out what that means?"

"I have no idea." It was best to try and brazen this out. No good can come of him knowing the girls' nickname for him. I wasn't sure how he'd take it knowing my obnoxious body parts had named his junk after a creepy line from the _Lord of the Rings_. "I couldn't think of anything better to call you right off the top of my head. So that's what came out."

_That's an acceptable explanation, right? Right?_

_**Good one, Bella. Dr. Precious and Dr. Hoo-Ha... sigh.**_

"You really suck at lying, you know that, Bella?" he sighed. "Now you have to tell me what that really means."

_Think, Bella! Deflect, deviate, distract!_

"Hey," I exclaimed. "Want to see my nifty bandage?" I held up my hand, not flipping him off yet, but ready to deploy the bird at any time. He stared me down, turning the Tractor Beam on full-blast. I scowled at him, letting the bird fly, the huge bandage making it just that much more effective. It did in my opinion, anyway. He only grinned at me in response, getting immense enjoyment from needling me, like he always did.

"I'll get it out of you eventually, Bella. You might as well just tell me now," he said arrogantly.

I looked everywhere but his face, pretending like he hadn't spoken. I made the mistake of making eye contact with the she-beast, and I swear I felt every cell in my body trying to turn to stone. _Fucking Medusa whore cat!_ I blinked quickly and shuddered, glad to escape the clutches of the little hussy's evil gaze. I was sure she'd like nothing better than to turn me into a statue, so she and Edward could raise my little nudger all by themselves.

Shaking that horrible thought off, I realized my sandwich was getting cold. Still studiously ignoring Edward, I groaned in delight and closed my eyes as I took the first bite, the comfort food like manna from heaven on my tongue. I licked my lips and opened my eyes to find Edward staring at me, his eyes taking on the warm glow that signaled I might be getting lucky. He absently stroked my shin with one hand and I fought the urge to curl my toes. _Distraction accomplished!_

_**Hurry up and finish that damn sandwich! We don't want to keep the Precious waiting…**_

I finished the sandwich. Not because the girls told me to, but because I wasn't really into sex that involved food. At least I didn't think I was. _I might be into anything if Edward is involved. I might even go Furrie for him. _ The girls made gagging sounds.

I thought about licking my fingers for him, but figured I'd only manage to make it look dorky. I settled for wiping them on the napkin and then deposited the empty plate on the coffee table. He wasted no time in lifting my feet from his lap and scooting closer to me. We moved around awkwardly until we finally found a comfortable position together on the wide couch, his head resting on my stomach so I could play with his hair.

I looked down at him as I sifted my hand through his thick, crazy hair while he retrieved the newspaper from the floor. Somehow, he managed to situate it so we could both look.

"So you're really that eager to leave your job at the restaurant?" he asked, still perusing the classifieds. I watched him in confusion. I could have sworn we were headed for some sexytimes.

_**This is unacceptable. Find a job later. Have sex now. We want to go to our happy place.**_

_Such a one track mind. Completely right, but perverted all the same_.

"I need to find a real job," I sighed. "I can't bartend forever. I don't want to."

"What about the writing you wanted to do?"

"I can still do it, but it will take a little longer since I'd probably be working more hours," I rationalized. "Besides, lately a lot of my writing time is spent with this guy I know." I grinned at him, adding, "He's very demanding."

He dug his nose into my belly, causing me to flinch and laugh as he found my most ticklish spot.

"I bet he's not willing to give any of his time up," he said, his voice getting rougher as he pretended to bite me. I gripped his head and tried to push him away unsuccessfully, and then he took mercy on me, laying his chin on my belly.

"He's such a slave driver," I sighed. "He makes me do all these strenuous things, like hiking and biking… sexual Olympics…" He grinned at me, his eyes shining with laughter.

"Seriously, Bella… I hope you're not looking for another job for my benefit," he said softly, the smile fading from his lips. "I can handle it. There are so many other great things in my life right now." He looked at me intently; his eyes alight with a certain fire that made my stomach flip. "It's not an issue. I honestly don't even think about it." My heart sped up as I was flooded with everything I felt for the man in front of me. I knew I'd do anything for him, compromise on my most important issues, just for him.

"Edward," I began, taking a deep breath to center myself, "I _do_ want to make things as easy as possible for you, but that's only part of the reason. I need to grow up. Get a nine-to-five, be a responsible adult and all that crap."

"Don't sound so excited," he laughed. "Seriously, love. You need to do whatever makes you happy. Life's too short to spend it doing something you don't enjoy."

I sighed at the sound of the endearment on his lips, but as I let his actual words sink in, I knew he was right. It was easier said than done, though. I had a healthy amount of self-confidence, but I felt like such a goof when I compared myself to him. I also knew that it had to be uncomfortable for him when people found out that his girlfriend was a bartender. Maybe not because he was tempted, but because those same people would wonder about his motives for being with me. I wanted to be someone he could be proud of.

"I know, Edward." I let out a long breath, fiddling with the soft hair at his temple. "I still feel like I should give it a try," I said, letting my eyes drop closed as he nuzzled his cheek against my stomach. "Maybe I'll find something I love." _In addition to present company…_ _Maybe I should just tell him_.

_**Don't you dare, Bella! If you fuck this up for us and scare him away, we swear we'll make your life miserable!**_

_Like you two don't already do that?_

_**We'll… we'll make you have your period for two months straight.**_

_**Then we'll sing "The Macarena" and "Feliz Navidad" over and over until you end up in a padded cell.**_

_Okay, girls. Because you'll really get what you want when I'm in a strait-jacket and eating cockroaches off the floor of the psych ward. Bug bits between the teeth are such a turn-on. Then I can sing "Mary Had A Little Lamb" over and over to _you, _in a creepy little girl's voice, like some kind of Child of the Corn. _

_Maybe I can get impregnated by another resident, would you be happy then?_

No response. Good. I'd just have to get firm with them more often.

The thing was, while I'd succeeded in getting them to shut up, they'd succeeded in scaring me out of telling him how I felt.

_I'm being bullied by my gonads_. I had to snap myself out of the craziness, because Edward was speaking.

"I hope you do," he said, moving back to sit up. He held out a hand to me; I took it and curled up against his side, tucking my feet underneath me. "So… find any prospects?" I took the paper and searched for the one lead I'd found.

"This one… it's writing for some type of catalogue." I pointed him to the ad and let him see, watching him as he read. His brow furrowed as he concentrated on the small print and pulled the paper closer to his face.

"'Compile summaries of specimens' physical attributes for placement in the center reference guide,'" he read aloud. "Well, that would be using your degree… but does it sound interesting to you?" He looked at me skeptically before turning back to the page to keep looking. I was distracted by his cute little squint.

"Well, I'm not sure how interesting it will be, but like I said, it's better than telemarketing." He nodded absently and rubbed the little crease between his eyebrows. "Edward?" I asked, waiting for him to look up at me before I continued. "Do you need glasses?" I grinned at the offended expression that immediately took over his face.

"No! I have perfect vision. I have twenty-seventeen vision in both eyes. They said so at my last exam," he insisted. I put my injured hand against his chest. Okay, not very sexy, but my good hand was wedged behind his lower back. I decided to roll with it.

"Edward?" I asked, purposefully lowering my voice a bit, leaning a tiny bit closer. Just enough to mess with him, but not be very obvious about it.

"_Yes_, _Bella?" _I could tell he was trying to act annoyed. He wasn't succeeding. I could tell by the way he tensed next to me and his deeper intake of breath; he was enjoying my silly little game. His thumb moved once against my hip, like he'd forgotten he was pretending to be unaffected. I didn't bother to conceal my sneaky little smile. I imagined it might look something like Edward's smirk, but that term was restricted to anyone with the last name of Cullen.

"How old were you when you last got your eyes checked?" I laid my head on his shoulder, obviously milking it, but I think he enjoyed the attention.

"Seventeen." He paused for a moment. "I guess that _was _close to twelve years ago."

"Yeah," I agreed, barely swallowing back a little snort.

"Crap."

I couldn't hold back the laughter… I tried, I really, _really_ did.

"Don't laugh at me," he griped, but I could tell he was close to laughing too. I gave him loud kisses right below his ear, until he choked out, "It's not funny!" through his laughter.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said, and then a few more laughs escaped. I pulled back to look at him. "You're going to be twenty-nine!" I blurted, suddenly remembering the answer to seventeen plus twelve was twenty-nine. Sometimes I hated being part of a calculator generation. I sucked at fast computation in my head. I could do Calculus (okay, _some _Calculus), but it took me a little bit to add numbers in my head without a calculator.

"Are you calling me old?" he asked, smirking at me. "I'm not much older than you. You're twenty-five; already on the downhill slide to thirty."

My mouth dropped open involuntarily as I sucked in an affronted breath.

_**He said we were OLD!**_

Wow.

The girls were _pissed_. I was afraid they were going to come biting their way out of my stomach, _Alien-_style, and ball tap him.

I reflexively pressed my hand to my abdomen in alarm, but he grasped my wrist, pulling it back to him.

"Come back here, Bella," he said in a cajoling tone. _Smug jerk_.

"You're saying I'm old," I pouted.

"And what am I supposed to think about your reaction to _my_ age?" He laughed in my face, tugging on my wrist lightly.

"Twenty-nine _is_ old." I mumbled, halfheartedly resisting the pull on my wrist. My finger was throbbing from being semi-raised in the air. That's why I gave up. Not because I wanted to get closer to him.

"I prefer the term _experienced_," he said, and I melted like the idiot I am, because I couldn't resist the huge wedge of cheese he was serving up. He kept tugging until I swung my right leg over his lap, sitting back on his knees. His hands rested at my hips, and I laid mine on top of his.

"When's your birthday? You said it was soon?" I couldn't believe we hadn't gotten around to that conversation. It made me feel stupid and a little bit less sure of our relationship.

He nodded. "It's June twentieth," he answered. "What's wrong?" He tightened his grip and pulled me closer, sliding me up his legs until he could link his hands behind my back. I let my hands rest against his chest.

"Nothing," I insisted. I needed to distract myself from the crappy mood that was trying to overtake me, so of course, I made a joke. "All you need to know is you've got over three years on me, you cradle robber."

"Well, I am a successful doctor. I need some appropriate arm candy for hospital fundraisers," he said, looking very serious for about two seconds before he shrugged and let the smirk overtake his face.

"I don't have much time to get you a present," I thought aloud. "It's next Saturday."

"You don't have to get me anything." I raised my eyebrow at him, eyeing him dubiously.

"People _never_ mean that," I said flatly.

"What?" he laughed.

"My mother always used to say that. 'Don't get me anything, Bella. Don't waste your money.'" I gave my best impersonation of Renee. Of course, Edward wasn't as impressed as he should have been, because he had yet to meet my mother. "I didn't get her something once. _Once_. Never again," I said seriously. "She didn't mean it. Mom always gets a present now, no matter _what_ she says. That was ten years ago, and she _still_ won't let me forget about it. I was fifteen, for Christ's sake!"

"Bella, I promise, I will not be mad if you don't get me something."

"But I _want_ to," I insisted. "What kind of shitty girlfriend doesn't get her guy a present for his birthday?"

"Then get me one," he replied, laughing at me again, dropping his head to the back of the couch. "I'm not going to make you return it. I'll love whatever it is, because you gave it to me." I sighed in frustration.

"But _what_ do you want?"

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you what I wanted," he said, irritating the fuck out of me. I growled, failing to find the words to appropriately express how much he was irking me at the moment.

"Why do you have to be so difficult?" I whined.

"Don't you like challenges?" He raised his head back up to look at me, his eyes clearly showing how much he was enjoying baiting me. I should have been disturbed by the fact that it only took one look from him, one glimpse of the happiness on his face, to dissolve my irritation. I realized that even though we hadn't had every conversation we needed to have, didn't know every tiny detail about each other, I _knew _him. He knew me, and that's all that mattered. I let a small smile curve my lips and shrugged.

"You're not a challenge, you're a trial! I'm a pretty lazy girl. I like to have things fall into my lap," I joked.

"I fell into your lap pretty easily," he said, tightening his arms behind me, forcing me to scoot closer. I curled my arms behind his neck.

"Maybe, but I'm in your lap now." _Way to state the obvious there, Bella. You're so suave_.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked softly. I shrugged, wanting to make a joke, but he was looking at me so intensely, the fierce, deep green stealing my voice. His right hand trailed up my back, just his fingertips ghosting up my spine, causing me to tense at the ticklish sensation. He stopped at the nape of my neck, his hand nestled in my hair as his thumb moved in slow sweeps just below my ear.

We simply watched each other, rarely blinking, all soft smiles and little touches. It was familiarity, comfort, friendship… intimacy. He pulled my face closer to his, applying gentle pressure at my neck. His eyes closed before mine, the sight of his surrender to me added a certain tightness to my chest. Warmth built beneath my ribs, spreading slowly to every part of me. We were so close our breaths mingled as they escaped from our slightly parted lips.

Sitting on his lap afforded me a slight adjustment in height, and my face was above his. Letting my eyes fall shut, I closed the distance and our lips met, fitting and sliding together seamlessly. His left hand spread wide on my back, moving up and down in slow strokes. I shivered, but the sensation wasn't limited to arousal. I felt charged, full to overflowing with the warmth he brought out in me, yet my entire body broke out in goose bumps in reaction to his touch.

Although I'd initiated the contact, I let him take the lead. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, running the tip of his tongue lightly across the inner surface. I tightened my arms around his neck, letting all my weight sink onto his chest. When he ventured further and swept his tongue across mine, I met him with everything I felt: joy, hope, excitement… and the scary amount of love I had for him.

My uninjured hand wound its way into his hair, curling into the strands at the nape of his neck. He hummed a husky sound against my lips and I sighed in response, feeling completely overwhelmed. He pulled away, leaving soft kisses on my lips and brushing the hair back from my face. I looked at him curiously, wondering why he'd stopped.

_**What the hell? Attack him! Man all stations! We need him to sink his Battleship… you know where!**_

_Oh, hell. I suddenly pictured them as mini versions of General Patton, ready to slap around any of Edward's little swimmers that weren't living up to their potential._

_I am completely insane. For this man… and probably in the general sense as well._

"You haven't felt well today, and you're tired," he said, his soft, crooked smile firmly in place. "You're here to rest and have me take care of you, not wear you out."

"I don't mind. You can do all the work," I offered with a small smile. He laughed and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips.

"Believe me, Bella. I'd still wear you out," he said, his voice low and suggestive.

"That's not helping the situation, Edward," I admonished, blowing out a heavy breath. I was pouting, but I couldn't help it. I wanted him, and I knew he wanted me… but he didn't seem inclined to take things any further. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. _God, he's not getting bored of me, is he? _

I shoved away the pessimistic thought, hugging him hard, before climbing off his lap and settling at his side once again. He wrapped an arm around me, holding me close as he dropped a kiss on my head.

"Sorry. I can't help it. It's the truth. You make me nuts," he said against my hair. I laughed and ignored the fire that threatened to ignite somewhere near the girls, who were busy getting out the marshmallows and whittling sticks. _Looks like my insanity is contagious… but if I'm turning him into a sex-crazed maniac, where are the cons in that?_

"When are you going to take me home? I haven't been there since Saturday morning. I need to do laundry and clean up before work tomorrow night. And I need some different clothes to wear."

"I like the way you look in my t-shirts," he said, gesturing to his old Weezer shirt that I'd commandeered.

"Oh, this one? This one is mine now. You're never getting it back. I've wanted the "Rock w/Music" one for ages," I teased. Only I wasn't teasing. I was keeping this bad boy.

"Oh, really? Then you've got clothes here and don't need to go back to your place," he argued. "But you're not keeping that shirt."

"We'll see," I returned confidently. "I really need to go check on my apartment."

"Hush. I'll drop you off on my way to work tomorrow. I don't want to sleep without you." The heat flared up again and the tightness in my chest returned. I returned his sheepish grin, wanting to tell him how I felt so badly, because I felt the same way. Even if he hogged the bed and snored – a major concession for me.

We settled into a nice, comfortable evening of stupid reality T.V. and cuddling with Renesmee. Before I'd met him, that type of evening would have bored me to tears. Edward changed all that. Being with him was enough to ensure I was happy. As I fell asleep in his arms that night, it occurred to me that even though we didn't make love, I felt closer to him than ever. Every day I spent with him was better than the last.

* * *

That Friday, officially one week and one day before Edward's birthday (and _still_ no present picked out for him), we were both pleasantly full of the greasy burgers and fries I'd insisted we eat. It was my turn to pick the date, which meant I got to pick the restaurant. Edward had complained about the lack of nutritional value of my chosen meal, but I knew he'd enjoyed every bite. The big complainer had cleaned his plate and eaten half of my fries.

We were driving back to my place to pick up some clothes for me and something special for our evening. I had plans for tonight. I still hadn't told him we were watching _Steel Magnolias_. It was the girliest movie I could think of to make him watch; payback for the hiking and biking. Sure, it was a sad movie at the end, but I wasn't planning on actually watching the whole movie, and I was pretty sure Edward would come through with a good distraction…

All I really wanted was for him to see Miss Weezer in action, because that was exactly how I planned on acting when I was an old lady. Seriously, what was not to like about being a ballsy, brassy, kicking-ass-and-taking-names old lady with a mangy St. Bernard?

_**Hello? When you're that old, we'll be shriveled up and dead!**_

_Oh, holy day… _

I couldn't wait.

The drive to my place didn't take long. We turned down the block to my street within ten minutes, and I gasped in amazement as I noticed the street was packed with cars. I should have taken it for the sign of impending doom that it was, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy getting ready to start needling Edward.

"Holy shit, Edward. There isn't a space for you," I laughed as we passed my apartment building with not a spare spot in sight. He gave me a strange look as he turned at the next block, raising his eyebrow. "You always find an awesome spot," I clarified.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, shaking his head. "Did you sneak in a few beers with dinner?"

"No! You watched me the whole time, silly." He knew I wouldn't drink in front of him. He kept insisting that it was fine for me to have something, but I didn't feel it was fair for me to have alcohol when he couldn't. I didn't need it to have a good time, being with him was exciting enough. "You always find a good spot," I explained. "I was beginning to think awesome parking spots came with the purchase agreement for the Volvo."

"I'll never figure out how your mind works," he sighed, chuckling as he pulled into a spot two blocks away.

"Good. Then I'll always be able to pull one over on you," I teased, getting out of the car and shutting the door. He followed, looking at me smugly over the roof of the car.

"Yes, because your mind doesn't seem to work logically," he replied.

"Fuck you, Cullen!" I laughed and started walking quickly to my apartment, but he caught up to me in no time, my shorter strides no match for his long legs. He snaked his arm around my waist as we walked, his warm body next to mine giving me goose bumps.

"Fuck me?" he whispered in my ear. "Maybe. After I fuck you." I bit my lip and kept walking, determined to ignore his witchcraft. _At least until we get to my apartment. Then I'm attacking him_.

_**Why aren't we boning him right now, Bella? We already did it outside, so don't be shy!**_

"You wish, Edward." I yawned, ignoring the girls and trying to tell myself he was the most boring human being on the planet. _Yeah, right. Maybe if you tell yourself that for the next million years, it might work._

He placed his lips on my earlobe as we walked, his tongue darting out to lick me. My knees nearly buckled, but by some virtue of God, I managed to keep walking.

"_Wish_ would imply I wasn't absolutely certain it's going to happen," he said, his voice low and rough. "And we _both_ know it's going to happen."

I barely held back a whimper. I'd rob a bank for this man. I'd be the Bonnie to his Clyde. I just didn't want to go down in a hail of gunfire. Then I wouldn't be able to molest his beautiful ass for the rest of my life.

"Ditto," I managed to answer. _Way to go, Bella. Bring out the dumbass nineties slang. That will get him all hot and bothered._ His warm laughter resonated through me as we entered the double doors to my building. _Okay, so he's enough of a nerd that he finds my stupid jokes funny… he really is my soulmate._

We waited for the elevator, grinning like fools at each other. Stepping inside the car, he playfully pushed me to the wall as he leaned against the opposite side, crossing one leg over the other and both arms across his chest. I gave him the most seductive look I could manage, using all the restraint I had not to jump him in the elevator.

The car slowed to a stop, leaving my stomach back on the first floor. Edward grabbed my hand and led me to my door, pushing me against the cool wood and crushing his lips to mine. My head hit the door with a muted thump, but I didn't care. Edward was kissing me. I fisted my hands in his hair, pulling hard and pressing the full length of my body against his. Sucking his lower lip into my mouth, I bit him, drawing a moan from deep in his throat. Both of his hands came to my jaw, one thumb pressing firmly against my chin and forcing me to release my grip on his flesh. His knee forced its way between my legs and he slipped his tongue in my mouth. I don't know how long we stood there, making out like a couple of sexually frustrated teenagers frantic to get in a grope before Daddy turned the porch light on.

Neither of us was prepared for the door to swing open. One minute, I was kissing Edward with everything I had in me, and the next, we were both on the floor of my apartment. I opened my eyes and stared dazedly up at my mother, who was laughing hysterically and pointing at us. I sniffed conspicuously, meeting Edward's eyes in shock. The room reeked of marijuana. I heard another laugh somewhere from in the apartment, one that was exasperatingly familiar.

"What the hell is going on here?" Edward whispered to me, his lips twitching as he fought his signature grin. Finally, he gave up and began to laugh, unable to keep a straight face as he kept staring at me.

"Ow," I groaned. Edward immediately got up, kneeling next to me. I looked from him to Renee, wondering what the hell _she_ was doing here. Because she definitely was supposed to be in fucking Jacksonville!

Fuck my life.

"Mom?" I asked, bewildered.

"Are you going to get off of my daughter?" Renee asked through her cackles.

"Stop it, Mom," I whispered, holding my forehead in my hand. "This is Edward."

"_This _is Edward?" she yelled, slamming the door behind her. "Bella, you didn't tell me he was so hot!"

_Oh, Lord. Here we go._

"Mom, can the cougar act. You have Phil and you love him to death," I said. "This one is mine."

_**Yeah, lady. Keep your wrinkled girls away from our Precious.**_

_Be respectful! Those wrinkled girls gave me – and you – life._

"Doesn't mean I can't look at the delicious man-candy," she laughed, eyeing him up and down. I fought the urge to kick her in the shin for leering at my guy. "This one's right up there with those jelly beans you like so much." _Oh, God. My mother stole my Man-Candy Scale. Forget what I said, girls. Say whatever you want about her._ "Look at the size of those feet..." she trailed off speculatively, tapping her index finger to her lips as she eye-raped my boyfriend.

Edward dropped his head into my shoulder, his whole body vibrating with laughter.

"Let me guess," he whispered in my ear. "The infamous Renee?" I nodded, trying not to laugh like a rabid hyena at the absurdity of the situation. Could my life get any stranger?

"Bells! Every time I see you lately you're on the floor with this douchebag," came a deep voice from the living room. The statement was punctuated with the sound of water gurgling, followed by a fit of coughing.

_Of course. Jake was back. With my mother_.

_**Dog boy is back? Bella, we don't like him**_. _**He makes our little follicles shrivel up and die. And you didn't tell us Dharma was coming to visit.**_

_Well, I had to give it to them. They had both Jake and my mother pegged _exactly_._

I looked Renee, who was still grinning ear-to-ear at Edward and me on the floor, then back to Edward as he raised his head.

"Did you put a roofie in my Diet Coke at dinner?" I asked him dazedly. "Maybe you dropped some liquid acid on top of my pizza?" He laughed and shook his head. "No?" I looked at him pleadingly.

"I'm afraid this is all too real," he whispered to me with a wink. He was such a good sport. I, however, was not. I hadn't seen him for two days because of our schedules (he had to make up time for taking care of me on Monday), and I had been looking forward to some much-deserved _quality_ _time_. And by 'quality time,' I meant time that could only be described by listening to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.

"This is not quite the way I planned to have you meet my mother," I said under my breath.

"It can't be any worse than the morning after your graduation," he returned, smirking. I loved the smirk in this situation, because he was smirking _with_ me, not _at_ me. I snorted, giggling as his eyes flashed at me.

"Would you two quit speaking in your lovey-dovey language and close the door, dudes?" Jake complained. He finally walked into view, with none other than Optimus Prime in his hands.

"Crap," Edward muttered. _Awww, how cute_, I thought to myself. _He's picking up my vocabulary._

* * *

_A/N: Sooo... I have plans to reply to reviews tomorrow. I hope I don't make a liar out of myself. Ya'll know I'm a procrastinator by now, right?_

_Again, check out Edward's brain. Link is, of course, in my profile._

_For all of you who've been wanting EPOV, I've posted Edward's version of the first chapter:_

**The Flipside of WiP:**_ Just what you think it is. Select chapters of Work in Progress from Edward's point of view. AU/AH. Rated M for Sex Hair, dirty words, and excessive use of the Tractor Beam._

_And seriously, you need to read _**Bad Habit **by **AmryMarie**_. I know I've recc'ed it before, but I'm Badward's #1 Disciple and he owns me, even if he's a dirty, sexy Man H00r. I'd double-bag it, but I'd do him._

_Are you guys reading _**Behind the Clouds** _yet? Do it. It's by _**EchoesOfTwilight** _on Twilighted. Really. I love it. So much._

_Did you like? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Waiting for the ILY? As Edward says, "Patience..."_

_It's coming. The pun _might _be intended. _

_Seriously, I love that anyone comments on this story. It makes me so happy to read your comments when I'm sitting in the deathcube at work. They inspire me. ;)_

_Thanks to EVERYONE for reading!_


	19. Chapter 19 Sometimes U Have 2 Blow on It

_Thanks to my lovely beta, Isabella303/Shelly. I don't know what I'd do without you. You help me tame the girls and on top of that, you're a great friend._

_Thanks to EchoesOfTwilight for being my pre-reader and yet another awesome friend. Yeah, I know you say it's not a chore, but I still appreciate it anyway._

_Don't forget to check out the Darkward VampFic Contest at www(dot)fanfiction(dot)com/~darkward. I wrote a sample one-shot, if you'd like to read it. It's linked in my profile with all my other stories. Entries will be accepted from Sept. 15 – Oct. 10._

_Yes, you know by now that I don't own Twilight. SM is the obscenely rich chick, not me._

_Just a random question: Do you guys like limes? (That's a hint - NSFW.)_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 19: Sometimes You Have to Blow on It**

"I thought you threw that away, Edward!" I whispered through clenched teeth as he pulled me to my feet. His arm curved around the small of my back and he tucked me into his side as I wobbled a bit, my body a bit stiff from hitting the floor.

"I forgot. And every other time we were here, we were… busy," he explained, just a hint of color riding his cheeks.

"Oh." _Yeah, Bella. OH._ A smile pulled at the corner of my mouth, and I felt my cheeks burn with an answering flush. I dropped my forehead to his chest with a sigh.

"Busy doing what?" Renee asked a little too interestedly, startling me so much that I jumped.

"Shut it, Renee," I growled.

"Playing Operation," Edward said quickly.

"That's sick, dudes. I don't wanna hear your stories about playing doctor," Jake barked.

"Oh, you two are so cute," Renee gushed, clapping her hands together like Mrs. Klump. I half expected her to start chanting, "Hercules, Hercules!"

"Barf." Of course, Jake just had to make his opinion known.

"You know, Jake, for some reason, I thought you were smart enough to know better than to show your stoned ass here after what happened the last time. And do you even _own _another shirt?" The smelly jerk was still wearing the Brian from _Half-Baked_ reject wardrobe.

"Bella! Where are your manners?" Renee chided. I whipped around, knocking Edward's arm off my back. He wisely kept his mouth shut. I loved him about ten times more for that alone. She was scolding me about _manners_?

"Manners? Don't manners dictate that you don't just show up unannounced in someone's home?"

"But Bella, I'm your mother," she said, as if that were an explanation for everything from 'why' to the meaning of life. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, feeling like the top of my head was about to blow off. Another headline flashed through my head as I tried to calm down.

**Seattle Woman has Psychotic Break, Bludgeons Two to Death with Huge Red Bong**.

Thank God for Edward. He put his left hand on my back, rubbing lightly, as he stuck his right hand out for my mother to shake.

"Edward Cullen, Mrs. Dwyer. I've heard so much about you. It's very nice to meet you," he said in his smooth-as-sin, _I'm going to charm the pants off you_ voice.

"Oh, Edward, I've heard _so_ much about you too!" Renee tittered. _Fucking tittered_!

"You've gotta be freaking kidding me!" I muttered under my breath.

"It was all good, though," she purred.

_That's it. I'm committing matricide. Right. Fucking. Now. _

_**Get her, Bella! The cougar is poaching on our reserve! **_

I watched in disbelief as she came forward and took Edward's arm, drawing him further into the hazy room. I had to fight the urge to grab onto his other arm and engage her in a little game of mother/daughter tug-of-war. Edward looked back at me and shrugged, grinning at me when he saw the scowl on my face. I crossed my arms over my chest and stalked after them.

"So, Blanche, what brings you here? And where are Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia?" I teased. If she was going to embarrass the crap out of me, I was at least going to dish it back. Edward looked confused, while Jake outright guffawed. I was quite surprised; I hadn't expected him to be a fan of _The Golden Girls_. Then again, he spent much of his time stoned, watching TV Land, so I suppose I shouldn't have been.

"Isabella Marie! How dare you compare me to that _old_, man-chasing cougar!"

"If the shoe fits…"

She gasped in false affront, her hand going to her chest in an exaggerated gesture.

"Well, I never!" Her Southern accent really was spot-on.

"Dude, you should be glad she called you Blanche, Mrs. Dwyer. She was the hot one," Jake said seriously. Renee and I burst out laughing. "What? She was!" he insisted.

Poor Edward had the most adorable, bewildered look on his face.

"I'm not even going to waste my time asking what you guys are talking about." I laughed softly and came to his other side, putting my hand on his forearm.

"It's okay, Edward. Most of our conversations are incoherent anyway. I can explain later if you want." He shook his head rapidly and I grinned.

The gurgling of water drew everyone's attention to Jake, who was busily filling the chamber of his beloved Optimus.

"Jake! Not now! You'd better get out of here, and take that thing with you, or I'm calling the cops. Better yet, I'm calling _Charlie_, who _will_ tell Billy this time, and God knows what your Dad will do to you," I threatened. Jake immediately coughed out a huge puff of smoke, turning a little green.

"But he can't waste that! It's good shit! I brought it from Arizona!" Renee shrieked, dropping Edward's arm like a fucking hot potato and snatching Optimus out of Jake's hands, greedily sucking the rest of the smoke out of the chamber.

Edward and I stared at her, mouths hanging wide open, and then we looked at each other. "_I'm so, so sorry,_" I mouthed, smacking my hand to my forehead. Edward laughed quietly and gave me a hug.

"You're coming home with me tonight," he whispered in my ear. "There is no way I'm letting you stay with these two tonight."

"Oh, thank God," I mumbled.

"Hey, anything that gets you in my bed for another night is a good thing."

I'm sure my cheeks were flaming, but I doubted Harold and Kumar over there were going to notice. I looked around the room quickly, afraid that Neil Patrick Harris was going to pop out somewhere and start talking about chasing Unicorns.

I stared at Renee and Jake, clearing my throat loudly. Renee blew out a lungful of smoke, looking at me guiltily.

"All right, guys. Tell me what you're doing here, NOW."

"Dude, your righteous babe of a mom let me in." I cursed myself for letting my mother have my spare key. "I just came to get Optimus. I'm headed home tonight, I swear. Did you see my new ride outside? She's sweet!" Jake blabbered. "She's an old VW Rabbit, and she's a chick magnet." He winked at me lewdly and then frowned, licking his dry lips. "Damn, I'm thirsty. Got any beer, Bella? I've got the cotton mouth."

"Jake," I sighed, trying not to attack him with the nearest heavy object, "If I had beer, I certainly wouldn't give it to you. You're incapacitated enough on your own." He flipped me off and turned back to watch the TV. I looked toward Renee, who was watching the patterns of light my lampshade reflected onto the ceiling. I snapped my fingers at her.

"Oh! Huh, Sweetie?" she asked, blinking owlishly at me. Her eyes were bloodshot and hanging half closed. I wondered how many bongrips she'd taken before we'd arrived.

"You. Here. In _my_ apartment. Care to explain?" I asked, trying my very best not to snap. Edward hugged me just a bit closer, and instantly I felt a little more relaxed.

"I missed you, sweetie! And you didn't want to come visit your poor, lonely mother in Florida while her husband was away…" she trailed off, batting her eyelashes at me.

"Don't try and guilt trip me, mom. It's not gonna work," I said flatly.

She grinned at me. "I know, but a girl's gotta try," she said brightly. "Anyway, I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to leave Washington." The woman had the nerve to wink at me. "If I was getting a piece of _that_ every night," she said, gesturing to Edward's crotch, "I'd never leave."

I gasped, shooting a quick glance at Edward, who was sporting quite a blush of his own.

"Uh… thanks?" he offered.

"No problem, hot stuff," she said, winking at him. I wanted to gag, and the girls were busily wrapping their fists in athletic tape; dipping them in honey and coating them with broken glass, straight out of some Jean-Claude van Damme movie.

I groaned loudly. "Okay, Mom. Edward and I are gonna go. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Mom, you can sleep in my bed."

"I hope the sheets are clean," she teased, waggling her eyebrows. I was mortified. I towed Edward to the door, not even bothering to get any clothes for overnight. I'd make the Walk of Shame gladly tomorrow morning. There was no greater humiliation than what I'd just endured. I stopped at the door, pivoting to point my finger at Jake.

"And _you'd _better be gone tomorrow morning. Remember what I said about Charlie and Billy," I threatened, enjoying the way his face paled.

"Whatever, you raging hose beast!" he yelled.

I rolled my eyes and yanked the door open. "See you tomorrow, Mom!"

"Bye, Mrs. Dwyer," Edward rushed out, as I dragged him away from the apartment.

"Bye Sweetie! Bye, _Edward!_" she called as I slammed the door.

*****

"I am so, _so_ sorry about my mother." I slumped against Edward in the elevator and spoke into his shirt. He wrapped his arms tightly around my back and I smiled. I couldn't resist taking a quick sniff, because, let's face it – a whiff of _Eau-de-Edward_ was better than a whip-it, even if I was convinced it killed just as many of my brain cells.

_**Who needs brain cells when you have us?**_

_Yeah. I'm not even touching that one._

"She's certainly… entertaining," he replied. I moaned in embarrassment. "I can see why your first reaction is always to make a joke. It's self-defense!"

"Go ahead, laugh it up." He did just that, but I didn't really mind. I was too distracted by the vibrations I felt against my cheek as he laughed. He tightened his arms around me and dropped a kiss on my head.

"I wouldn't have you any other way, Bella, you know that." Actually, I _didn't_ know that, but it was damn nice to hear. "Well… there is one thing I would change," he said.

"What?" I looked up at him, a bit alarmed, until I saw that damn smirk on his face.

"Your locks," he stated flatly. I nodded emphatically before returning my head to his chest.

I squeezed him back; both of us content to ride the rest of the way down in comfortable silence. My mind wandered again to what I felt for him, which was only strengthened by the calm way he'd managed my mother and Jake.

It was attraction, admiration, adoration… alliteration. _What the fuck am I thinking? Well, the English major in me is alive and well._

_**Who gives a crap about the English major; we want the M.D. in you.**_

_Holy. Hell_.

When we reached the ground floor, Edward led me out of the elevator, one hand resting low on my back, as always. He always managed to touch me, even during the most casual of activities. I loved it. It made me feel safe and cared for, like I was precious to him and he needed me to be within arm's reach at all times. I certainly didn't mind the possessive gesture. I wanted to go around gouging out the eyes of every woman that looked at him cross-eyed. I wanted him to walk around wearing a sandwich-board that read "Property of Bella Swan and the Girls."

"Crap," Edward muttered as we neared the door to my building. I was so absorbed in thoughts of marking him as my property, I'd failed to notice the torrential rain just outside the lobby door.

He sounded so adorable when he used that particular phrase.

"Let's go back up there and get a couple of umbrellas." Edward was already turning and towing me back to the elevator.

"Edward?"

"Uh-huh?" he asked distractedly, pushing the UP Button.

"We're not going back up there." I tugged on his arm, actually managing to drag him back a couple inches. "You realize that if we go back up there, we'll have to spend another hour making inane small talk with Cheech and Chong." I raised an eyebrow at him to get my point across, but it didn't seem to be working.

"It's pouring out there. I don't want you to get wet," he said, looking at me not unlike Charlie used to do, when I'd done or said something he thought made absolutely no sense.

"Edward, we live in Seattle. I used to live in Forks – the wettest place in the continental US. I'm not made of sugar; I won't melt. I'm used to a little rain," I finished, barely resisting the urge to roll my eyes at him. His Charlie-like attitude, on top of seeing Renee this evening, brought out my rebellious teenage side.

His lips quirked into a barely-there smile as he reached out and hooked a finger in one of my belt loops, yanking me closer to him. I pretended to stumble and ran into his chest, sort of on purpose. I'd noticed that he fell for the endearingly clumsy shit all the time. It probably gave him some sort of chivalrous thrill to have to catch me, and – let's face it – how could it ever be bad to be caught by Edward Cullen? There were no losers in that situation.

"Oops. Watch where you're going, will you?" I joked, wrapping my arms low around his back and walking backwards toward the door. I had a moment of surprise when I realized he was actually following me, which he took advantage of and steered me back against the wall. Planting one hand on my hip and using the other to sweep my hair to the side, he bent and took a quick nibble of my neck.

"Hmm," he hummed; his breath hot and humid against my skin. "You taste pretty sweet to me…" Even as I wanted to groan at his terrible line, my knees buckled a little.

_**Oh, Edward, you're so Rico Suave…**_

_Are they fucking _serious? I made a mental note to YouTube that video, so they could see the bloody trainwreck that was Gerardo.

"God, that's horrible." I tilted my head back as far as I could and he lifted his, starting to pout because I wasn't falling prey to his little game. "Come on, Cullen. Admit it. You just don't want to get that hair wet."

He threw back his head and laughed. "You said it, Bella. It's my crowning glory. How would I attract all the little peahens without it?" he asked, his crooked smile fixed firmly on his lips. His hands went to my ribs and I tensed, prepared for him to start tickling the breath out of me.

The girls had tossed aside the glass-fighting gear in favor of mercury-injected boxing gloves at the mention of the "peahens."

_Wait… are they singing LL Cool J?_

"_**I'm gonna knock you out! Momma said 'knock you out!'"**_

"Other peahens, huh? Gonna trade up already?" I tried to sound light, but there was so much underlying insecurity in the words, I knew I'd failed miserably. "Have you ever heard peafowl cries? Sounds like someone's being murdered with a rusty spoon," I said glumly. _Welcome to the party, Debbie Downer! Cue exasperated-sounding trombone accompaniment!_

"Hey," he said gently, bending at the knees so he was more on my level. "Joking? You know, snark? Bella-language?"

I was at a loss as to how to deflect the emo mood that had suddenly descended on me. I had no joke, no distraction, and I felt like a complete moron. I finally smiled weakly and shrugged, but he wasn't fooled. He knew me too well.

"Bella," he began, his hands coasting up and down my upper arms lightly, "why would I need to trade up? You're the most beautiful and graceful of birds. You're a swan."

I blinked at him in shock, my lips twitching with the need to grin, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. After a few seconds, I realized he wasn't joking. He really meant it. I didn't know whether to tear up at the sentimentality or start laughing outright.

"I overdid it, didn't I?" he asked. I nodded, still not daring to speak. The sweet sentiment behind the cheesiness was nearly overwhelming. "I was just trying to make one of your jokes." I let my lips curve just a little, letting him know he was on his way to being forgiven.

"Patience, Grasshopper. You haven't reached that skill-level yet. If we were playing The _Legend of Zelda_, you'd still have the wooden sword, Link."

"You played _Zelda?_" he asked excitedly. I nodded, wondering why he looked so surprised. "The _real Zelda_? With all the weird bushes and x – y axis movement?" I giggled at his enthusiasm and nodded again. "One more clarification: sixteen-bit, old-school Nintendo _Zelda_? The one where you had to blow on the game cartridge to get it working sometimes?"

"Yes Edward. All of the above. What other _Zelda_ is –" I was cut off by his lips. The kiss was quick and hard; over before I really realized what was going on. "What was that for?"

"Just for being you," he said cryptically, one side of his mouth quirking up as he looked at me through his lashes. "Come on, we'll do it your way. I give up on the umbrellas. Are you ready to run?" He eyed my footwear, which happened to be my usual May – August footwear of flip-flops. I simply reached down and slipped them off, holding them in one hand. "Okay," he sighed, running his hand through his hair worriedly.

_He really _didn't_ want to get his hair wet!_ I suppressed a tiny snort as he grabbed my hand and tugged on the collar of his shirt, before stalking to the door like he was heading for battle. I followed, nearly tripping as he took off at a dead run as soon as he threw open the door.

_Cold!_

The girls tried to burrow under my intestines, shrinking back from the rather chilly rain that was pelting us as we ran down the first block. I managed to keep up with Edward, which was a miracle, considering that man's physical prowess. He kept looking back at me as we ran, making sure I wasn't having trouble.

It was no trouble at all.

I just employed the same philosophy I'd used the day of the bike ride.

Follow. That. Ass.

I'd thought he looked good in bike shorts. Of course, I was right, but in wet jeans… words couldn't describe it. It was like seeing the Promised Land after walking for forty years in the desert. It was like a bite of chocolate after a month of self-denial.

_**Yeah, we'd like to take a bite out of that…**_

I certainly wasn't arguing. The wet denim clung to him, shifting and pulling with every step he took. The rain felt even colder against my cheeks, as they heated in response to the amazing scenery in front of me. I was so busy watching it that I didn't notice when we reached his car. I ran right into his back.

"Ow," I mumbled.

"That's what you get for tailgating." His look was knowing… had I been that obvious regarding the object of my current affections?

"Ha. Ha. Oh, my gosh, Edward! Your hair looks terrible!" I joked. Anything to take the focus off of my obvious ass-ogling.

"So does yours," he returned, smirking. It was his frat-boy smirk. The 'yeah, I'm an ass, but you'd still hit it and you know it' smirk. Turning, he hit the button to unlock the car. I grabbed for the handle, but he placed his hand over mine. "Wait a minute. I've got towels in the trunk. For the seats."

"My God… You're like a soccer mom. Always prepared for everything," I laughed. The rain had lightened to a steady drizzle; barely noticeable since we were completely soaked already.

"It's a new car!" he defended. I followed him to the trunk, peeking around him as he grabbed the towels.

"Got any juice boxes in there? Some Capri-Sun? Sunny-D?"

He slammed the trunk lid and whirled around quickly, the towels stuck under one arm, the other snaking around my waist. I was cold, my wet clothes plastered to my body, but once I was flush against Edward, I forgot all about the chilly rain. His hand slid up my back and twisted in my hair, yanking my head back firmly. I gripped his belt loops for balance, the dual sensation of cold, wet clothing at my back and the searing body heat pressed against my front making me slightly disoriented.

"I am _not_ a soccer mom," he whispered, his lips hot on my cheek. I tried to turn my head, searching for his lips, but he kept his grip on my hair, preventing me from moving. His lips traveled to my chin, where I felt the smooth edges of his teeth, before they moved to the corner of my mouth, hovering there and torturing me. "Right?" he prompted.

"Right," I sighed. "Not a soccer mom. Far from it."

"Good." His tone was low and rough. "Now get in the car." He stepped away from me abruptly and handed me a towel. When I didn't move, he physically turned me and swatted me on the ass. I yelped and went to my side of the car; of course, he was there before me, opening the door. I tried to hop in before he could get the towel down, but he was too fast. He chuckled at me as I sat down and pouted. He was going to get it. No more Ms. Nice Bella.

_**Let us get out that flogger, Bella. We'll punish him very well.**_

_We'll see, girls. He might need it._

I shivered in my seat while he walked around to the driver's side, glaring at him the whole way. He meticulously settled his towel over his seat; my fingers just itched to yank it out of the way before he sat down. I clenched my hands in my lap, knowing that if I lulled him into a false sense of security; it would be much easier to take him by surprise when I pounced.

He started up the car and pulled out into the street. I was still shivering; the heat I'd generated while running rapidly dissipating through my wet clothes. We both reached for the temperature dial at once, our fingertips brushing.

"Your hands are like ice," he said, turning the heat on full blast, even though it was June. I shrugged.

"It happens, Edward. It's a little chilly out there, and I'm soaking wet. Although, I have to say, strange things have been happening to me. Tanya bit me the other day, and I've recently developed an aversion to garlic and churches. I now prefer my steaks awfully rare… I don't know what's wrong with me." My lips twitched, but I counted on the darkness in the car to hide it.

He chuckled and grabbed my hand. "Maybe this will help your hand get warm." He laid our hands on his thigh and continued driving. I stole glances at him from the corner of my eye, wondering if I had the guts to do what I wanted.

_**Of course you do, Bella! Like we said earlier, get that MD in you! We're not getting any younger down here.**_

I slid my hand out from under his, inching it up his thigh without looking at him. Up, up I went, the denim becoming tighter and warmer along the way.

_Well, hello there_…

_**Knock knock... yoo-hoo, Edward? Can the Precious come out to play? **_

I heard his sharp intake of breath as my hand covered him, this part of him heating my flesh even faster than his wonderful hands. He was rock-hard and straining against the stiff material. I let my fingers trace lightly over the shape of him as he drove, watching his face as his jaw clenched and the skin around his eyes tightened. The tiniest hint of a vein was visible in his forehead as he turned to look at me while we sat at a stoplight.

His eyes were dark, the deep green of evergreens at dusk. His gaze never left mine as he shifted subtly in his seat, widening his legs to give me better access. I took advantage, covering him fully with my hand; his hips shifting forward and pressing his erection firmly into my hand. He slowly licked his lips before tracing the fingertips of his hand down my forearm and joining his fingers with mine, pressing them harder against him.

We remained like that for the rest of the short drive; the silence thick with delicious tension yet comfortable at the same time. When we pulled up to park at his loft, he squeezed my hand and let me go. His eyes promised we'd finish what I started, and soon. _Oh, yes, Edward. You just wait. You'll be the one with the lobotomy after I'm done with you._

The girls squealed like a couple of preteens at a New Kids concert. _Yeah, I was a fan. How could any preteen girl resist the hotness that was Donnie Wahlberg?_

He helped me out of the car (after gathering up the wet towels, of course – it wouldn't do for the Volvo to start smelling like a men's locker room) and we walked hand in hand through the doors and into the elevator. As the doors slid shut behind us, I planted my hands on his chest and walked him backwards to the rear of the car.

"What are you up to?" he murmured, a soft smile curving his lips.

"Whatever I want," I answered, reaching up to pull his head down to mine. His lips were warm and soft, tasting of rain and mint and _him_, the combination nearly making me forget my plans to bring him to his knees. I raked my hands through his wet hair, dragging them down over his shoulders and chest, until I reached the top of his jeans. Sliding my fingertips just beneath the edge, I slid them back and forth, enjoying the way the muscles of his abdomen tightened at my touch. I heard the wet splat of the towels as they dropped to the floor.

His warm hands came up to cup my face, his thumbs trailing fire over my cheeks as he pressed his lips harder to mine. He drew my top lip between his, the light scrape of his teeth causing chills to erupt all over. Water dripped from his hair onto my face, creating the sensation of warm rain and giving me an idea. I opened my mouth against his, accepting the rough, velvety slide of his tongue as I circled one hand around to the firm curve of his ass, and slowly stroked one fingertip up and down over the soft hair that trailed below his navel. He hummed against my lips and his hands tightened on my head, his hips pressing closer to my abdomen at my teasing stroke.

The harsh ding of the elevator startled me, but Edward didn't seem to notice. I pushed against his hips until he finally tore his lips from mine, his lush green eyes glazed with lust. He blinked at me in confusion.

"Isn't this your floor?" I asked with a sly smile, grabbing his hand and dragging him out of the car. He followed closely behind me as we walked to his door. While he fished his keys out of his pocket, I ran my fingers lightly over his forearm, admiring the flex of tendons, lean muscle and supple male skin. He licked his lips and swallowed hard, and I noticed he was having a tiny bit of trouble fitting the key into the deadbolt.

He swung the door open and held out his arm, indicating that I should enter first. The door closed behind us with a soft click; after checking on Renesmee and getting the requisite death-glare from the She-Beast, I headed for the bedroom to look for dry clothes. Edward was hot on my heels and I almost felt sorry for him, knowing what kind of torture I had in mind.

The girls grinned evilly and twirled the ends of their handlebar moustaches.

I suddenly had the mental image of Edward tied to the railroad tracks like a damsel in distress, the girls rubbing their hands together in perverse delight… Which brought up another, much less funny, but much more erotic image: Edward… tied up.

_**Yes, please! We want! Cowgirl up, Bella! Rope him and ride him!**_

_This idea definitely has merit, girls. I will give it my utmost consideration._

I turned my back to him and stripped off my wet clothes, leaving them in a heap on the tile floor of the bathroom. When I turned around, Edward was watching me with hooded eyes, the Tractor Beam set to full power. I managed to keep my composure by looking at a point just beyond his shoulder as I swept past him, narrowly evading his outstretched arms.

"You'd better take off those wet clothes, Doctor," I teased in a sultry voice. "We don't want you catching anything." He simply stood there, mouth agape, as I turned around and headed for his closet. He didn't follow, so I assumed he was doing as I asked. I borrowed one of his button-downs from the closet; an old, soft checked flannel that felt wonderful against my slightly chilled skin. The hem fell to just above my knees and I had to roll the sleeves a few times to clear my wrists. I fastened the three middle buttons, knowing the glimpses of skin it would offer when I moved would drive him insane. I stole a pair of his boxers and slipped them on, but they weren't visible beneath the shirt.

I searched the high shelf that lined the perimeter of his closet, finally spotting what I needed. There were some reasons to be thankful for his outdoorsy tendencies. By some miracle of God, I managed to tug the sleeping bag down.

He appeared in the doorway just as I was reaching for a light, waffle-weave robe that still had the tags on it. I smirked at him as I held it up.

"Alice?"

"Yes. She apparently thought I needed a robe for Christmas. It's been hanging there for six months."

I thrust it out in front of me, purposefully blocking my view of his lickable body. If I stared for much longer, I'd lose my resolve.

"Put this on," I stated, slipping around him once again. I looked behind me to see him staring after me, looking bewildered. "Come on! I have plans for you." I smiled slyly and crooked my finger before turning and heading for the front door.

"Bella, come back here. Where are you going?" The poor guy was lost. Had I scrambled his brain already? _I must be more talented than I first thought._

"If you want to find out, you'd better hurry up and follow me," I taunted, slipping my flip-flops on at the door.

"You're not going anywhere like _that_," he growled, standing in the doorway to his bedroom, stuffing his arms through the sleeves of the robe and tying it shut with short, jerky movements. I stifled a giggle at his exasperation and opened the front door, waving saucily as I ran out. "Bella!" His shout filtered out the open door as I jogged to the roof access, the sleeping bag tucked under one arm. I heard the door slam as I started up the stairs, praying to God that I didn't trip and knock out a tooth on the steep steps. I didn't think Edward would appreciate the toothless look.

Once I reached the moon garden, I scanned the area for the best spot to set up. I quickly found a secluded corner, softly lit by the white lights and surrounded by the intensely fragrant night-blooming jasmine. The deep green leaves glistened with droplets from this evening's rain, but none was falling at the moment. The air was warm; heavy with humidity and the strong scent of lush greenery and flowers. The path was damp, but I was hoping the sleeping bag was waterproof. I opened it up completely and spread it on the ground, the inside lining facing up.

I looked up and Edward was there, looking like an angry, sexy… dude at the spa. I slapped my hand over my mouth, trying not to laugh, because I could see now why he'd never worn it. I suddenly wondered if Alice had given Jasper one and I felt sorry for him; there was no way _he_ could get out of wearing his.

"What are you doing, Bella?" he whispered harshly, his eyes darting around nervously, as if there was someone up here to hear him.

"I told you I had plans for you," I replied in a loud whisper, needling him just a little bit. I very conspicuously raised my hand to one of the buttons of the shirt and popped it open, letting him see just a bit more of my skin. His jaw tensed and his eyes narrowed, but the rise and fall of his chest deepened as he stepped forward hesitantly and sat down next to me. I grabbed the lapel of his robe and pulled him to me, attacking his lips as I swung one leg over his thighs. His hands went to my hips and gripped hard, before pulling back and looking over my shoulder.

"What if someone comes up here?" he asked worriedly.

This time, I did roll my eyes at him. "Edward, what happened to the man that talked me into fucking in the woods?"

"That was different!" he protested. "If we would have been caught, they'd have been perfect strangers! These people are my neighbors."

I slid my hand inside the lapel of his robe, flattening my palm between his pecs and sliding it down, down, letting my nails drag lightly along his skin, until I reached the tied belt. I pressed my lips to his ear and loosened the tie as I spoke softly.

"I guess you'll have to be very, very quiet, won't you?" I grazed my teeth across the tendon that stood out on his neck and his hands tightened on my hips. My fingers wandered over his abdomen, pausing at his hipbones and stroking the thin skin that stretched over them. He moaned softly as he lowered his lips to the base of my neck, nudging the shirt out of the way so he could nibble along my collarbone.

His hands slipped under my shirt, creeping slowly up my ribs. I stopped him, my fingers curling around his wrists. I could feel his pulse pounding against my fingertips.

"No, no, no," I chided, pushing his hands down. Edward's hands anywhere near my body always turned my brain cells into vegetables. "No touching." I placed his hands on the sleeping bag, just behind his hips.

"Can I at least look?" he pleaded in a rough tone. I pretended to think about it for a second, relenting when he started to look desperate. I smiled, releasing the final two buttons, but not removing the shirt. Instead, I spread the halves of his robe, looking down at his lap for a long moment before bringing my eyes up to his. I licked my lips and placed my palms against his shoulders, urging him to lie back. He was stretched out before me like some kind of delicious man-candy buffet, and I wanted to overindulge.

His hands crept up the outsides of my thighs and I slapped them away, lacing my fingers with his and pressing them next to his head. I leaned over him on all fours, slowly lowering myself on top of him, loving the feel of him hot and hard against my belly.

"I said no touching, okay?" He nodded quickly, looking absolutely dazed.

My tongue swept over his lips before sliding inside, meshing with his slowly. He wasn't passive beneath me; his nature simply wouldn't let him just lie there. His hips thrust up at me, his body flexing and pulling as he tried to control the kiss. I wasn't having any of it, because I knew he could easily overwhelm me and I'd lose my focus. I sat up abruptly, raking my hands down his chest, admiring the bunch and shift of his lean muscles as he caught his breath.

His eyes glittered with lust as he eyed my chest; the shirt had fallen open enough to expose the soft curves. I traced my fingertips lightly down the V that led to his groin and scooted closer to him, so that I was pressed against his sac.

"Shit, Bella," he whispered. "I can feel how wet you are, even through the shorts." I bit my lip and smiled, knowing it made him crazy when I did it. I wasn't disappointed. His jaw clenched and he swallowed hard with the effort of obeying me. I trailed my fingers all around his shaft, coming oh-so close, but never quite giving him the touch he needed. His eyes pleaded with me, but I was waiting until he begged. "Please, Bella. Please touch me." His voice was hoarse with lust and heavy breathing.

"Good boy." I leaned forward and kissed him once more, trapping his cock between us and grinding against him. When I sat up, I held him gently in my hands, lightly tapping my fingers all along his shaft. When I reached the base, I gripped him in my fist and stroked upward, tightening my hand at the head before stroking back down and pulling the silky skin tight.

"Holy shit," he gasped, his hips arching up at me. His eyes were nearly black with desire, the green barely visible as his they moved back and forth from my face to my hand between our bodies. Using my free hand, I cupped my palm around the thick head and rotated it, spreading the slick pre-cum all around the soft, sensitive flesh. "Oh, fuck, Bella!" he moaned, his back arching in pleasure.

His hands had crept back up the outsides of my thighs, his fingers biting into the pliant flesh. I let them remain there; he looked desperate for some kind of anchor as he absorbed the feeling of my touch. I loved making him feel this way. He dazed me and dazzled me constantly, but the knowledge that I could affect him the same way was exhilarating. I wanted to make him feel so good he lost his mind. It was the least I could do, because he made me feel so special, so cherished anytime we were together, no matter what we were doing.

Still stroking just the head of his cock, I wrapped my forefinger and thumb around the base and slid it upward slowly, drawing even louder curses from his lips.

"What do you want, Edward?" I asked, continuing the differing motions with my hands. I knew he was close; the flush rode high across his cheekbones and his hips were moving uncontrollably. I licked my lips, looking straight into his eyes, and his gaze dropped to my hands, then back up to my mouth.

"I want your lips," he grated, gritting his teeth as I squeezed more pre-cum from the tiny slit at his head and smoothed it over his hot skin. I leaned forward, planting one hand next to his head and leaving one hand wrapped around him as I hovered over his mouth.

"Like this?" I whispered, taking his lip between my teeth gently, pulling on it before letting him go. He groaned, his breath fanning against my cheek as he lifted his head, straining to bring his face closer to mine.

"Any way you want, Bella. Just don't stop." His hands slid up my torso quickly, tangling in my hair before I'd realized he'd moved. The sharp tug on my hair drew me down until I met his open mouth, letting him kiss me desperately, hot and wet and deep. I pulled away after a moment, meeting his hooded gaze.

"I said no touching," I murmured, releasing his erection and placing my other hand next to his head. He groaned at the loss of contact, his hands flexing against my skull before dropping to his sides and clenching into fists.

"Bella… I can't help it… you're killing me," he whispered breathlessly. "I…" Whatever he was about to say was cut off by a strangled moan as I kissed my way down his throat and chest, scraping my teeth and tongue over his nipples. I could feel the way he trembled at my touch, and I smiled against his skin. My hands followed, sliding down his arms, over the dips and valleys of smooth, firm muscle.

"What?" I breathed against his skin, making my way down his stomach, stopping to swirl my tongue in his navel. He sucked in an agonized breath, the exhale coming out as a ragged moan. I did it again, and at the same time dragged my hands away from his forearms and down his hips, running my nails lightly down and back up the backs of his thighs.

Rubbing my lips over the dusting of hair that trailed below his navel, I went lower, until the side of his shaft brushed against my cheek. I looked up at him, meeting his glittering eyes as I moved one hand to cradle his sac.

"Is this what you want?"

"Oh, God, Bella… fuck yes, I want your mouth on me," he said in a shaky, breathless voice. I smiled at him, planting wet kisses up the length of his shaft, enjoying his soft moans.

"I'm going to make you feel so good, Edward," I whispered close to his soft, silky skin.

"You always make me feel good… always." I kissed the tip, watching his face as he stared down at me, his eyes soft and desperate. I ran my tongue all around the edge of him, letting him see what I was doing. "Oh, shit… love…" he rambled, unable to form complete sentences anymore. Still teasing him, I ran the flat of my tongue up and down the underside of his shaft while lightly stroking the seam down the middle of his sac with a fingertip.

I loved this. It wasn't an act I'd ever particularly enjoyed before, but the feeling of having Edward at my mercy, begging for release from _me_, was almost better than the complete act. I loved him so much, and even though I couldn't say it yet, I could show him, in this way. I wanted to give to him completely, expecting nothing in return.

I licked my palm and wrapped my hand around the base, sliding my mouth over him and swirling my tongue against his soft, salty skin; enjoying the sensation of delicate flesh over hot, hard iron. I added just the tiniest bit of suction and began to work him, my hand moving in tandem with my mouth.

"Christ," he panted in a strangled voice, his hand coming up to push away the curtain of hair that had fallen over my face. He kept his hand curled around my head, not guiding, just feeling the motion of me bobbing up and down over him. I hummed against him, loving it when he cursed again. "Holy fuck, love… God, you look so beautiful like that."

His gaze was so tender, yet so dark with lust. I knew he felt something for me, but in that one look, I was nearly convinced his feelings were just as strong as mine. I didn't break eye contact as I went a little faster, and his hips began to gently match the rhythm of my mouth. I took him completely into my mouth, letting him hit the back of my throat, once, twice.

"Bella," he moaned, "So close. So fucking good." I released him, sucking strongly on the tip, before wrapping both hands around his base and rubbing the underside of his head on the flat of my tongue quickly, back and forth. "Fuck!" he shouted, exploding into my mouth. I swallowed quickly, putting the unpleasant taste out of my mind, because it was all for him. I loved every part of him.

He pulled me up to lie beside him, burying his face in my neck, his hot breath rushing over my skin as his breathing returned to normal.

"Bella, that was… it was… fucking hell!" he sighed, lifting his head to look at me. His evergreen eyes were tender and intense. "You make me feel so fucking good. Always. I don't even know how to begin…" he trailed off before suddenly getting to his feet and tying the robe haphazardly. He held out his hand and lifted me to my feet.

"Edward, I feel the same about you." I was terrified that the tremble in my voice would give me away, afraid that he would somehow figure out that I was in way over my head with him. "And I love making you feel that way," I added in what I hoped was a sultry voice, to distract him. He looked at me intently for a few more moments, then framed my face with his hands and kissed me fiercely. I was just getting into the kiss when he abruptly pulled away, bending at the waist and throwing me over his shoulder in a fireman's carry.

"Hey!" I squealed, giggling as he patted me on the ass.

"I told you that you weren't going anywhere dressed like that. It's indecent," he growled playfully as he started back to the door to the stairs.

"Says the man dressed in a spa robe and nothing else," I giggled, getting lightheaded from all the blood rushing to my head. He chuckled and kept his hand planted on my ass, giving it a light squeeze. I was euphorically happy, and nothing could ruin my mood: not Jake, not Renee's untimely and uninvited visit…

_**Bella! What did we tell you about things that are NOT supposed to go in your mouth?!? We're so disappointed in you! **_

_Oh. Nothing except Those That Shall Not Be Named._

_Screw 'em. I'm the one in charge. _

"Edward?" I asked, as we reached the door to his apartment.

"Yes, Bella?"

"You weren't very quiet," I giggled, giving him a nice, hard goose on his perfect butt.

"Ow! Stop that!" He jumped and pretended like he was going to drop me on my head. I squealed and latched my arms around his waist, causing him to laugh. I watched the floor as he kept walking, and I knew he was heading to his bedroom. I saw the edge of the bed just before he stopped. "Let go of my waist and I'll put you down," he instructed.

"Yes, sir!" I complied, my hands immediately going to his ass. It was right in front of my face. What else was I supposed to do?

"I'm going to show you a little something I picked up from Emmett," he told me smugly. "I've renamed it the Sex Hair Slam."

"Oh, my God… you're such a dork," I groaned… until he suddenly bent forward at the waist, his momentum slamming me onto the soft mattress. After I got my wind back I lay there, watching him as he laid down next to me, propping himself up on his elbow. He brushed my wild hair out of my face tenderly, tracing his fingertips over my reddened cheeks.

"Impressed?" he asked, his crooked grin still making my stomach flop after all this time.

"Is that all you've got, Cullen? I was hoping something called the Sex Hair Slam would involve a little more… physical contact."

"Just you wait, love. I haven't even begun to show you all my moves," he murmured.

And boy, did he have all the right moves. He also had my heart, and I think he knew it.

* * *

_A/N: This story has been nominated for a few awards. I'm really honored that I was nominated. I'd love your vote, but check out all the nominated fics. The links will be on my profile._

**The Moonlight Awards: http://themoonlightawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com/vote(dot)php**

_Best Humor_

_Best WIP (ha… I should win this one on ironic principle)_

**The Cullen Coven Awards (****http://thecullencovenawards(dot)webs(dot)com/votehereopen(dot)htm**

_Best Comedy_

_Best Teaser Edward_

_Thanks for sticking with me on this one, guys. RL is beating my ass all over the place, so I hope I can keep you laughing. I read and appreciate every review, and thanks so much for taking the time to read. Sorry again for the stupidly long A/Ns... I hope they're not too annoying._


	20. Chapter 20 Imprint?

_Huge thanks to EchoesOfTwilight, my ficwife, for betaing this in a pinch, while Isabella303 is out of town. This chapter is brought to you by Las Vegas, a nose piercing, and a tattoo that my husband hates. _

_Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I just gave Bella talking testicular ovaries._

_I own nothing from _Grandma's Boy.

Dear – I hate your face_ (said in JP robot voice)._

_Sorry to everyone for the multiple chapter alerts. FF fail. Have no effing clue why it had such a problem with this chapter. Let's hope it works this time. _

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 20: Imprint? Uh-Oh.**

I stood in front of my apartment door, trying to prepare myself for any potential catastrophe that could possibly await me inside. I couldn't hear any loud music, which was good. That didn't mean that two of the devil's own minions weren't just on the other side of the door, although one of them had promised he would be gone before I came home.

_**The doggy-boy better be gone, or we're gonna pop a follicle.**_

I shifted from foot to foot and stretched my back, not unlike a runner preparing for an important race. It jostled the bag hanging from my shoulder, and I heard a startled, high-pitched 'mew' from the bag.

_Yeah, so I carry my little feline-child around in a shoulder bag like Paris Hilton. It's slightly embarrassing and a little bit nuts, but I've long-since accepted that I'm not playing with a full deck. I have conversations with my ovaries, for Christ's sake._

Tanya the whore-cat had disappeared early this morning and hadn't come back before Edward had to leave for a rare Sunday shift at the hospital, so we'd decided that I'd take Renesmee with me for the day. She was still tiny, but just beginning to eat solid food, and I was pretty sure she'd do all right until I took her back to Edward's that night. I shook my head at the She-Beast's awful parenting skills. She was neglectful and whorish, and I didn't want my little nudger picking up any of her bad habits.

Poor little Renesmee had not enjoyed Edward's driving any more than I did. I'd had to hold her right up to my neck and sing little nonsense words to her just to get her to stop sounding like she was being murdered. He'd simply laughed at us and proceeded to drive faster.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door, walking in with one eye cracked – like that would've saved me from whatever horrors waiting inside.

Hah. Fat chance.

_**Doggy-boy is still here, Bella. We smell his stink.**_

No sooner had I heard the girls' annoying whisper than I heard Renee's cackling and Jake's brash laughter. I shuffled into the living room to see my mother, Jake, and Optimus settled on my couch watching a movie. Curious as to what was so funny, I turned my attention to the T.V.

'_Dude. You're getting a lion?'_

'_Yeah!'_

'_Why?'_

'_To protect my shit, man!'_

'_Ever hear of a _dog?'

'_Dude, you can get past a dog. But _nobody _fucks with a lion.'_

_My _mom _is watching _Grandma's Boy_? With Jake? Holy crap._

I giggled without thinking, alerting the two stoners to my presence. I couldn't help it. That movie was funny as fuck. Who could resist bumbling stoner video game nerds, J.P. (who thought he was living in the fucking _Matrix)_, and the chick that plays Marie from _Everybody Loves Raymond_? I suddenly had the urge to speak to Jake in J.P.'s robot voice, but I successfully fought it.

"Bells! Where have you been all night?" Jake asked sternly. "We've been waiting up for you, and you missed your curfew by nine hours." He gave me the stink eye and elbowed Renee to get her attention before crossing his arms over his chest and staring at me. I noticed they were both wearing the same clothes from last night. I shook my head, amazed that they hadn't managed to burn the building down without me here to babysit them.

"Oh, hush, Jake. She was getting some from that delicious boy-toy she's got," Renee laughed. My cheeks flamed as I remembered holding Edward at my mercy in the moon garden… and what had happened after he'd started "practicing" Emmett's wrestling moves on me. My eyes nearly rolled back in my head at the thought.

"Mrs. Dwyer, dude, show some concern for your daughter," Jake scoffed. "She's out all night with some douchebag you barely even know, and Charlie pulled a gun on him…" he trailed off, raising his eyebrows dubiously.

"Shut up, Jake," I began, but my mother interrupted me.

"Charlie told me all about that, Jake. He's embarrassed and actually thinks Edward is a stand-up guy, though he'd never admit it to him," she added in an aside to me. Turning back to Jake, she said, "You're just jealous she's not playing hide the sausage with _you_."

_**Oh, HELL no! That would be like mating an ape with a human, Bella! **_

'As if_,' girls. Fuck. Now I'm quoting _Clueless_ to my ovaries. At least I'm not a 'stupid virgin who doesn't know how to drive…' Oh, hell. I hope I'm not the ape… nope. Definitely not._

Jake's flush was obvious, even through his dark skin, but he rolled his eyes to cover his embarrassment. I puked in my mouth a little bit. Bravely, I soldiered on, trying to forget that Jake wanted in my pants. UGH.

"Mom? You and Charlie actually _speak_ on a regular basis? When did that happen?"

"Oh, Bella, we always talk about you. You're our only daughter, and we love you," she said exasperatedly, like I should have been able to read her mind or something. I almost felt a warm, fuzzy feeling at her motherly statement, but that dissipated as soon as she picked up Optimus and took a giant bong rip. I heard Jake complaining because she'd cashed the bowl and there was no more weed left. Poor baby – he'd have to go buy some schwag in Forks when he got back.

I must have jostled the bag again, because I heard my sweet little baby's high-pitched meow.

"You two put that crap away," I said crankily. "And you were supposed to be gone last night." I pointed at Jake, giving him the hairy eyeball.

"Bella, you couldn't expect me to let him drive home as stoned off his ass as he was," Renee chided.

_Who knew Dharma could act responsibly? Wow._

"Don't worry, Bells. I've got to work this afternoon at the kennel, so I've gotta jet soon." Thank. Fucking. God.

Renesmee mewed again, and I gently lifted her out of the bag, cradling her to my neck and enjoying the silky texture of her fur on my skin. She immediately snuggled in.

"Aww, honey, did you get a kitty?" Renee asked, coming over to see my little grey-furred puffball.

"I hate cats," Jake said apathetically, his attention back on the movie.

"_Anyway_," I paused to glare at Jake, "there's this really mean and slutty cat that hangs out over at Edward's place in the roof garden. This sweet little piece of joy must have been from immaculate conception, because that She-Beast is the only cat up there." I handed her gently to Renee, who cuddled her close and scratched under her little chin. I smiled sappily at my mother and her little feline-grandchild, barely resisting the urge to tease her about being a grandmother. "I named her Renesmee. It's a combination of your name and Esme, Edward's mom." Renee grinned hugely and cuddled the little kitty some more.

"Baby, that's so sweet! But the name is fucking weird. You must get that stuff from your father." _What the fuck? Me, get weird stuff from _my father_?_ I gasped indignantly as my mother went back to the couch and sat down, cooing softly at my little girl, but then my heart softened at their interaction. This time, I couldn't contain my grin, and I _may_ have had some happy tears. _I'm so far off my rocker; I'm sprawled out on the fucking floor. And I really don't care…_

The girls flipped me off and rolled their eyes. Screw them. Renesmee was my little baby, and they could suck it.

Jake looked dispassionately over at Renesmee, turning his attention back to the T.V. for a second before doing a double-take. His eyes widened and he took in a sharp breath before sitting up straight and staring at my kitten-child in a way I was not entirely comfortable with. I suddenly felt like calling Chris Hansen from _Dateline's To Catch a Predator_.

"Bella," he breathed, reaching for my baby, "that's the most beautiful, cutest kitten I've ever seen in my life." I scowled at Renee when she let him hold her.

He held her up in front of his face, staring her in her tiny blue eyes that were just beginning to darken at the pupils with shades of green. She blinked sleepily at him before closing them completely.

He laid her on his chest and stared at her creepily, breathing his pot-breath in her face. My fingers itched to snatch my baby away from his tie-dyed chest and run far, far away, making sure that my little girl would never see the weird pedophile again.

He looked up at me, his eyes dazed and darting toward Renesmee every couple of seconds. "Can I keep her? I promise you, Bells – I'll be everything she needs. Her best friend, caretaker, responsible pet-owner…" he trailed off. "I do work in a kennel, you know. I've got connections."

"Jake, kennels are for dogs. Not cats. And you said you hate cats." My voice was flat; my displeasure evident.

"But Bells… This kitten… She's magnificent. Can't you see the connection? She was born to be my pet," he wheedled, stroking her little head in awe. I scowled at him, stalking over and removing my baby from his evil pedophilic hands. His face immediately fell, and I thought I saw some tears gather in his bloodshot eyes. Dude needed some Visine, and fast. He also needed to get the hell out of my apartment, because I couldn't stand the way he was pining away for my feline infant.

"No, Jake. She belongs to Edward and me. She's too young to be completely separated from her mother yet, even if she _is_ a Medusa whore-cat."

"Jacob, you can always adopt a kitten from the shelter back in Forks," Renee offered. I gave her a grateful look of thanks.

"But… But… I want _this_ one. Renesmee is my perfect pet match," he said sadly.

"Jake… you can come visit her. Later. Like in ten years, when she's middle-aged in cat years. When you're invited." I placed special emphasis on the last sentence, since both people in the room seemed to think they could just break into my apartment whenever they fucking felt like it.

"But Bells, she's so perfect…" he whined.

"No. That's just all kinds of icky wrong. Not with my baby," I said with finality. "Don't you have work soon? You need to book it back to Forks. Like now." I raised an eyebrow and shut myself up in my room with the baby to wait until he left.

_**You are definitely changing the locks, Bella. Even **_**we're**_** scared for that cat's virtue, and we don't like her.**_

_What can I say, girls? When you're right, you're right._

***

I did a little dance as I got off the Metro at my stop, not caring who saw me. Renee was gone, and I couldn't be happier. I loved my mother, but only in small doses, and a week was simply too much for me to take anymore. Having her meet Alice, Rose and Esme had been humiliating for me, but it seemed like we all got along rather well.

Of course, Renee had proceeded to tell them every single embarrassing thing about me, including my tendency to call every man with a moustache "Daddy," until I was about five. While that sounds like it should have been more embarrassing for _her_, I was mortified. Renee had used me to pick up men like single guys use dogs to pick up women – and she wasn't hesitant about admitting it. I had been a human fishing rod. _Yay for me_.

She'd gone back to Jacksonville early this morning, and it was like God had smiled on me. The day was sunny, and the grocery store hadn't been a complete nightmare as I shopped for the ingredients to make Edward some birthday Rocky Road brownies. The grocery store usually made me homicidal, but this morning it was like fairy dust had been sprinkled all over every aisle and everything was all pretty and sparkly. People parted in front of me like they were the Red Sea and I was fucking Moses. Today was a good day.

All because Edward was waiting for me back at my place.

'_**Let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about you and me…'**_

_Oh, fuck. Now they're busting out the Salt-n-Pepa?_

'_**Ah, push it - p-push it real good…'**_

_You realize those are not even from the same song, right?_

'_**Not falling in love but I'm falling for your (super sperm)…'**_

_Oh, sweet lord. "Shoop?" I can't believe my mother let me listen to that when I was a kid! Wait a minute… yes, yes I can._

Okay, so they were sexually frustrated. So was I. My mother was the best cock blocker known to man. Edward's rotations at the hospital hadn't helped that situation much either. I had to work tonight, so I was booking it down the block with my purchases, praying to God that we'd have time for at least a little something-something before I had to show up for my shift tonight.

_**It doesn't go in your mouth, FYI, AGAIN. You know, there's a possibility it could give you throat cancer…**_

_Fuck you, girls. Those moves make Edward putty in my hot little hands, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. And that throat cancer thing is a crock of shit. I looked it up on __._

They sniffed and turned up their little noses at me, flipping their hair and acting generally like those chicks from _Mean Girls_. I pointedly ignored them as I struggled with my grocery bags, making it through the front door of my building and onto the elevator without a long wait. I practically bounced during the whole ride, knowing Edward was waiting just on the other side of my door, hopefully dressed in scrubs and nothing else. I loved seeing him straight from his shifts when he worked rounds – there was just something about all that hotness lying directly beneath that thin green cotton…

Breaking myself out of my lust-induced fugue, I found myself at my apartment door. When I turned the knob and pushed it open, it swung back so hard that it dented the plaster on the other side. _Oops. Try not to look _too_ eager there, Bella._

Edward looked up at me from where he was sprawled on my couch… with the fucking scrapbook Renee had insisted we make together during our Mother/Daughter time this week. I quickly flipped through all the items that it contained in my mind, breathing a sigh of relief that The Napkin (my stalkerish souvenir from the first night we'd met) was still tucked in the back of the book, waiting to be attached to a page. I hoped there wasn't anything else incriminating in there, but I only had a few pictures of Edward and me together, so I hoped I didn't seem too obsessed with him… Even though I totally was.

He grinned at me and tossed the book aside as I hefted my grocery bags onto the counter. My skin tingled as he sidled up next to me.

"Hi," he said, his voice all gravel and sex. I tried to return the greeting, but anything I might have said was obstructed by his lips, which was totally fine with me. He dove right in, no preliminary "Hi, how are ya?" kind of kissing for him. Of course, I hadn't seen him in two days, and I reveled in his attentions. His lips were lush, soft, and with just a firm enough edge to hint at his need. Warm hands slid around my hips and up under my shirt, his fingers stroking lightly as he pulled me closer. I looped my arms around his back, his warmth seeping through the thin cotton of his scrubs.

The rough texture of his beard shadow abraded my lips in the most delicious way as I met the soft slide of his tongue, bending my head back under the pressure of his kiss. The muscles in his back shifted against my hands as he stroked my lower back, stealing all my thoughts. He pulled back slowly, placing soft, lingering kisses on my tingling lips, tightening his arms around me in a hug.

"I missed you," he murmured in my ear as we stood there.

"Missed you too," I said dazedly. "That was some hello you gave me, there."

"Well, I'd be happy to give you more, but it seems that there are groceries to be put away." He stepped back and smirked at me, grabbing a half-gallon of milk and gesturing with it.

_Groceries? What are groceries? More kissing!_

Great. Now even my own inner monologue was starting to sound like the girls.

"They _are_ for your birthday brownies, so I guess I shouldn't let them spoil. Wouldn't want you getting food poisoning."

He laughed and shook his head, and we worked together in perfect sync to put away the rest of the groceries. When we were finished, he grabbed my hand and led me to the couch. I smiled, preparing myself for some intense couch nookie before I had to get ready for my shift.

"So tell me about this scrapbook," he said, the smug smirk planted firmly upon his lips. He pulled me into his side with an arm slung around my shoulders and opened the book on our laps. The smarmy bastard knew it was all related to him. I gave him a dirty look as I tried to play it off.

"It's one of Renee's new hobbies. She thought it would be a good way to spend some 'quality' time together this week. So now I'm the proud owner of a pretty unattractive scrapbook." I could make a mean drink and bake circles around Martha Stewart, but I was _not_ the crafty type.

Edward coughed, but I suspected it was to cover a laugh. "I like it. I thought all the extra glitter was a nice touch." He pointed to a picture of us at Esme's house, the day of the hike. A rather large blob of glitter glue had landed on his neck, which I'd unsuccessfully tried to wipe off.

"You like it?" I laughed. "You're all sparkly. Kind of embarrassing for a guy, don't you think?" I smirked at him, nudging his shoulder with mine.

"Ha. Funny." He quirked an eyebrow at me as we flipped through the pages, laughing loudly when he came across the page that contained a printout of the lyrics to "Bad Habit" by the Offspring. "That's never happening again," he muttered. I knew differently. I had a suspicion he'd let me do anything I wanted.

"Sure, Edward. I can be Miss Daisy and you can drive me around everywhere. But I get to sit in the back seat." He gave me sort of a half-pout, half-smirk that did entirely too much to my lady parts. I checked the clock on the DVR discreetly, sighing when I realized we were down to twenty minutes before I had to get dressed and leave.

"I didn't know Mom had taken this many pictures of us. She's shown me a few, but these are some I haven't seen before."

"She gave them to me the other day, when we met up with Alice and Rose." And Renee. I shuddered at the memory, and I wanted to forget it as quickly as possible. I took the book from his hands. "Oh, have you seen the Rock Band one?" I thought that one was sexy as hell. The look on his face… _Holy Lord, come to Momma_. I was also trying to be sneaky and see if The Napkin was there.

"Yeah, I went through the whole thing while I was waiting." I felt my face pale, and my fingers immediately went to the back of the book. The next words out of his mouth were my worst nightmare. "There was an old napkin folded in the back. It looked like it was just trash, so I tossed it."

"What?" I gasped, my voice suddenly morphing into that of an eighty year-old, two pack-a-day smoker. Uncaring for the state of the pages, I pawed through the book, praying it had been some _other_ napkin he'd thrown out.

But it was gone. _The Napkin was gone_. I got up and ran to the trash can, ignoring Edward's bewildered look and questions that I didn't really hear. I pressed the lever with my foot and opened the lid, only to be greeted with a brand-spanking new trash bag.

"Oh, your trash was pretty full, so I took it down to the garbage chute for you." Edward's voice was directly behind me, and I just knew from the tone what kind of look he had on his face. I was positive it was one of those, "_Hon, are you about to start your period? Because you are acting all kinds of irrationally crazy right now,_" looks.

_**What the fuck, Bella? Why are you so upset over a piece of paper? We've still got ten minutes to get it on, so hop on that pony and ride!**_

I ignored the girls as I blinked rapidly, trying to avoid the inevitable onslaught of tears. I knew it was stupid, but I was overly sentimental about that piece of paper. _God, how am I going to explain this to him? Fuck! He's going to know how I feel about him as soon as he finds out!_

"Why would you take out my trash?" I yelled. _Fucking great, Bella. Way to sound like an ungrateful über-bitch._

Edward looked stricken and confused, and I really couldn't blame him… but The Napkin! It was the reminder of the first night we'd met, and I'd never get it back. He'd been so sexily sweet and nice and funny… that piece of paper had been the only good reason to make the dumb-ass scrapbook. Just so I'd have a place to keep it forever.

I stood there staring at him, mouth gaping open, thanking God that my mental filter appeared to be working and that I wasn't yelling random obscenities like I wanted to. The rational part of my mind knew that I really shouldn't be mad at him; how could he know what it meant to me?

_He could have looked at the fucking writing on it, that's how!_ Thus spoke the crazy bitch side of my brain.

I growled in frustration, tears finally falling in fat drops from my lashes.

Edward reached out and pulled me into his chest, while I stood stiffly. "Bella, what's wrong? You're mad at me for taking out your trash?" he asked, the confusion plain in his voice – and I thought I detected a hint of anger there as well. Good. He could get mad, because I was fucking irate – with him, and especially with myself for being such a Goddamn girl.

I spoke without thinking. "No, I'm _pissed_ because you were going through my stuff! What if there had been stuff I didn't want you to see in there?" _Ugh, Bella. You're such an idiot. Bye bye filter_.

"It was lying open on the coffee table!" he said exasperatedly, raising his voice a little.

Oh, my God. We were having our first fight, and it was over something that I knew would sound incredibly stupid to him. _Fuck!_ I shoved away from him, dashing the tears from my face as I stomped to my room to change for work. He followed me, but I ignored him.

"Crap!" I shouted, to no one in particular. I changed quickly, knowing he was right there. Fine, let him see what I'd be denying him for quite a while. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. How could he be so dense?

I heard him come up behind me as I finished dressing. He rested his hands on my shoulders and turned me around, trying the Tractor Beam on me. _Fuck that shit. It's not working right now, mister._

"Love, this is about more than the scrapbook and the trash. Please tell me what's wrong," he said calmly. His rational attitude only infuriated my inner bitch that much more.

"I'm going to be late for work," I said curtly, not looking at him.

"Bella, please, I have no fucking clue why you're mad! Tell me what's wrong, and I'll fix it, I promise!"

He stared at me with those intense, sincere eyes, and I felt my resolve begin to soften. They were such a bright green against the washed-out color of his scrubs, and his hair was all crazy and shiny…

No, no, no!

"Fine! You want to know what's wrong? That napkin you _threw away_ was the napkin from the first night we met! And now it's gone, and I'll never get it back!" I yelled hoarsely, tears falling faster from my eyes. So now he knew, and then he'd get the hell out of this relationship faster than a preppie kid running from a biker bar. _Shit. Now I'm gonna have to sit on the bus looking like a crazy, crying mess. Fuck!_

"Fuck," he whispered, the proverbial light-bulb going off atop his head.

"Yeah, 'fuck,'" I snapped, jerking open the door and waiting for him to pass me. He sighed and stepped into the hall, and I slammed and locked the door behind him.

"Bella, love, I'm so sorry. I didn't know," he pleaded. He tried to hug me while we stood waiting for the elevator, but I brushed him off. I didn't know why I was being such a bitch, because half of me wanted to bury my face in his chest and cry. The other half was more pissed than Oprah was when she found out that dude that wrote _A Million Little Pieces_ wasn't actually a non-fiction writer.

"Just… just go home, Edward. I'm going to be late for work. I'll talk to you later," I said, refusing to look at him.

"Bella," he began, but I held up a hand as the elevator opened on the ground floor.

"Later, Edward. I don't want to be a crying mess on the bus."

"I'll drive you to work. I'm not letting you get on the bus by yourself in your condition," he told me.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm so pissed right now; I could beat the crap out of Emmett. Don't worry about me."

We reached the bus stop, and thank God, it was my bus that pulled up first. I got on, scanning my pass, and went to the first available seat. I smiled meanly as Edward tried to follow me, but was denied access because he didn't have anything but his debit card.

I saw him staring sadly at me as the bus pulled away, and all satisfaction disappeared at the look on his face as it began to rain.

_God… what did I just do?_

_**You just ruined our chance of making genetically perfect babies, that's what! **_

I cried the whole way to work.

***

My shift passed slowly, even with Angela keeping me company. She repeatedly asked me what was wrong, but I was too embarrassed to even tell my best friend. I felt dumb and sentimental and… hormonal. I suddenly wondered if the girls were working extra hard at pumping those damn things into my bloodstream just to punish me.

I trudged my way through the night, screwing up orders and spilling alcohol all over the place. My tips sucked because, to be honest, I couldn't help being morose. Who wanted to sit at a bar with Debbie Downer? I kept thinking about how I could have acted differently; what I could have done to avoid fighting with him. I missed him like hell, and I'd only walked out on him hours ago. He'd even tried to chase after me…

_Ugh, Bella! Stop thinking about it! You fucked up. He probably thinks you're nuts. _

_**Why did you have to do this to us, Bella?**_The girls sobbed. _**We'll never get to see the little swimmers again. All those cute little tails and round, fat heads…**_

After I'd broken my fifth piece of glassware near the end of my shift, Angela came up behind me.

"Bella, sweetie, why don't you go take a break while I clean up here. We've only got about half an hour more, then you can go home, okay?" I nodded and headed for the stockroom, but Angela followed me. "Bella, did you and Edward break up?" she asked gently.

"I don't know!" I burst out, my stupid eyes managing to generate more tears. I quickly dashed them away with my sleeve and sniffed. "We had a fight. He threw away The Napkin."

Angela held up a finger and went around the corner to check the bar, coming back with a damp cloth napkin.

"There's no one out there right now, honey. Now, what's this about the napkin? What napkin?" Her tone was gentle and motherly, making me feel like shit for doing such a crappy job for her tonight.

More tears leaked from my traitor eyes until I was positive I looked just as stoned as Jake always did. I rubbed at my eyes again, causing Angela to chuckle. I scowled at her.

"The raccoon look isn't your best," she said, smiling slightly as she wiped the remnants of mascara from around my eyes.

I sniffed thickly. "Thanks," I muttered. "The Napkin is the one he left for me that first night. The one with his number and "Sex Hair" on it? God, I'm so stupid to be mad over this!"

_**Yes, you are! You're a moron. Complete idiot. Total pussy.**_

_The girls are calling me a pussy? Wait, are they insulting their distant relations? _

_God, will you please tell me how I ended up with testicles where my ovaries should be? _

"Bella, I can see how it would be sentimental to you. Did he know that's what he was throwing away?"

I explained everything to her: the ugly scrapbook, him mistaking The Napkin for trash, the subsequent Bumbling Bella Blow Up, and leaving him standing at the bus stop in the rain.

"Oh, honey… I think everything is going to be fine. It was an honest mistake on his part. Guys are dense like that sometimes. I can't tell you how many times Ben has done shit like that," she said sympathetically.

"I know, Ang! But I was a complete bitch! Why would he want to stay with me after that?" I threw my hands up in the air before plopping down on what I thought was a full cardboard box.

Wrong. The fucker was empty.

My ass was stuck in the box, and I couldn't get out. I wiggled back and forth, letting out my rage, cursing like an angry trucker. Angela laughed at me and my struggles, and eventually I dissolved into giggles myself. She helped me up and gave me a hug before holding me out at arm's length.

"Bella, I've seen the way that man looks at you. You just had your first fight, and every couple has one. Go talk it out with him. Everything will be fine." I let her clean up my face some more, still unsure what I was going to do about Edward. All I wanted at this point was to snuggle in bed with him, but I'd ruined that chance this afternoon with my freak out.

What the hell was I doing? I loved the man, yet I pushed him away for the stupidest reason, because I was afraid he'd find out that I loved him. On the day before his birthday, no less! But what if he loved me too? Sometimes I thought he might. Renee would tell me that I couldn't always make the safe choices in life.

_Wait – am I considering using advice dispensed by Renee?_

I was. If I wanted Edward, and Lord knows I did, I had to take a chance. I snapped out of my ruminations to notice Angela had left me alone to think. I could hear her speaking to a customer on the other side of the wall, and I once again felt guilty that she was doing my job. I wiped my nose a final time and tried to check my reflection in a shiny knife blade, but Funhouse Mirror Bella was staring back at me, which kind of freaked me out. I supposed I'd just have to trust Angela's cleanup job.

When I rounded the corner, no one was at the bar, but Angela was cleaning up the remnants of someone's drink. I looked beyond her to the exit, and I could have sworn I saw a flash of wild shiny hair and a perfect ass. Stricken, I looked at Angela.

"Was that Edward?" I yelled, already running for the pass-through.

"Maybe," she said slyly.

_**He came back for us, he came back for us!**_

I hit the pass-through at full speed, forgetting it was one that lifted _up_, and definitely did _not_ swing out.

_MotherfuckingJesusholyshitcrap! OWWWW! That's going to leave a mark._

Pain shot across my lower belly, right between my hipbones.

_**Watch it, Bella! Are you trying to permanently damage us down here?**_

I ignored them, throwing the pass-through over the countertop and hobbling for the exit. I made it to the door to see a very familiar Volvo exit the parking lot. Crestfallen, I headed back inside, clutching my middle, trying not to cry because I'd just missed seeing his handsome face.

Crap, I really _was_ a mess.

I moped my way back to the bar, giving Angela a dirty look because she hadn't let me know he'd been here. She smiled widely and shook her head, patting me on the shoulder as she passed. I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. She was supposed to be my best friend, she'd just been talking me down from the ledge about fighting with Edward, and she just _let him leave without telling me_?!

"Thanks a lot, Ang!" I snapped. "I really appreciate that." I looked around at the bar, noticing she'd left the empty glass and a napkin on the bar. It must have been his!

Angela wouldn't have served him, would she? I wracked my brain, trying to remember if I'd told her that he was a recovering alcoholic. _Oh, God! Did he relapse?_ Grabbing the glass, I sniffed it, sighing in relief when I smelled nothing but Coke.

Then I saw the napkin it had been sitting on, and I dropped my sixth glass of the night.

_You've already got my number – among other things._

_Love, Sex Hair (Dr. Precious)_

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the (kinda) cliffie. The other one I had written was a lot worse. Also sorry for the shorter chapter, but I've been spoiling you guys with the last few. I figured you'd rather have another chapter now than wait a while for a longer one, right?**

**I'm participating in the Support Stacie Auction. That's right; my hooker ass is for sale! Want some WiPward POV on any of the chapters? I'll write it. Want some girls POV? Done. Want something entirely different? I'll give that a shot too. **

**You can buy me here: ****http://www**** (dot) majiksfanfic (dot) com/phpbb/viewtopic (dot) php?f=115&t=2900**

**The auction starts tonight, Sept. 11, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. **

**I also have to pimp the Darkward Vampfic Contest, because we begin accepting entries on the 15****th****!**

**www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/~darkward**

**Oh, and if you want to leave me some reviews, that's cool too. I love reading them. Yes, you've heard it a million times, I know. I am shameful.**


	21. Chapter 21: Melting the MarshmallowMan

_I don't own _Twilight, Ghostbusters, Star Trek, The Simpsons_, or _Vanilla Ice_._

_Special thanks and kisses to EchoesOfTwilight, who betaed this for me while Isabella303 is out of town (and because I was so damn quick with this chapter). She also gets the credit for The Napkin 2.0 (and other stuff I'll remember later and wish I'd included here). ILY ficwife._

_If you're not reading her fic, Behind the Clouds, the girls are mad at you._

_Thanks to everyone who bid on me in the Support Stacie Auction. Can you believe I went for $170?? o_0_

_You'd better be thinking about you want, rms33… I am at your disposal. ;)_

* * *

**Chapter 21: Melting the Marshmallow Man**

I stared at the floor in shock, amazed that the glass hadn't landed on my foot. Then I looked at The Napkin 2.0 and felt a huge grin stretch my lips.

_You already have my number – among other things._

Did that mean what I thought it meant?

_**Does this mean we still have his little swimmers?**_

_Not quite what I was thinking, girls, but those would be one side benefit…_

My silly smile never left my lips as I floated through the rest of the minor cleanup that Angela had left for me. The Napkin 2.0, or simply – 2.0 – as I had affectionately dubbed it, was tucked securely inside my bra. That sucker wasn't going anywhere. I was having it bronzed and giving it a place of honor in the middle of my future fireplace mantle in my future dream home.

"Need a ride? I've got the SUV tonight," Angela offered, just as Mike planted his flat ass on a barstool.

"Hey Babe," he said, leering.

The asshole would never learn his lesson. The Cum Shot hadn't even lessened his disgusting advances. I didn't have time for that shit tonight; I had someplace to be and, more importantly, someone to apologize to. I discreetly flipped him off, wishing I still had my giant bandage… which led me to remember how Edward had distracted me while removing my stitches.

The girls shivered.

_Holy crap_, that man gave new meaning to the word _ambidextrous_. Those thoughts promptly flooded me with conflicting emotions. I still wasn't sure where Edward and I were headed, and I was sad, excited, and hopeful all at once.

"Where's my appletini?" Mike pouted.

"Sorry, Mike, no drinks tonight. I'm outta here." I smiled tentatively at Angela, who returned my gesture with a huge grin and rubbed her hands together.

"You need a ride?" he asked hopefully. "I just got new curtains in the back of the El Camino and I just burned a new CD full of Vanilla Ice."

"Uh, no, Mike. Angela is giving me a ride," I said, trying not to laugh, and let my imagination run wild picturing the pattern of his new curtains. It was probably those naked ladies leaning against each other that often graced the mudflaps of eighteen-wheelers.

"That means get off the stool, Mike. No free liquor tonight. Get out," Angela laughed.

"Damn, Bella. You're missing out," he bragged, sliding off the stool and pimp-walking his way to the exit. Ang and I ignored him as we locked up and crossed the parking lot to her car, giggling at each other when his car backfired halfway out of the parking lot.

"So, where to?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

***

I waved goodbye to Angela as she pulled away from the curb, staring after her for a bit before turning to enter the building. I walked slowly, my head down and my arms crossed over my chest. My breathing was deep and slow; I was trying to regulate the panic that rose in my chest with every step, escalating even further as I waited for the elevator.

_He wouldn't have left me the napkin if he didn't want me anymore_, I thought to myself.

The notion still didn't keep me from wondering if I was doing the right thing tonight. I found myself listening for any kind of annoying commentary from the girls, but they were strangely silent.

_Wow. First, I decide to follow advice from pothead Renee, and now I'm listening for pointers from the girls. I've lost it. Bring on the Haldol and straitjacket, please._

I started when the elevator's harsh bell dinged. Stepping out into the empty hallway, I walked slowly to the familiar door. I was reaching for the knob when I heard my phone chime with a text. I figured it was just a reassuring note from Angela, but what I saw displayed on the screen surprised me.

It was the picture of Edward's hair and eyes, the one he'd sent me in the very beginning. A huge grin slowly spread across my face, and the phone chimed again.

_Forgive me? – E_

I knew then that I'd made the right decision tonight. I checked the time on my phone as I stepped closer to the door – just after midnight. I decided to knock instead of going with my original plan of just walking right in. Chucking my phone into my bag, I took a deep breath and raised my fist to knock, but the door swung open before I could make contact with the wood.

"I'd know that text chime anywhere," he said softly, standing before me in all his shirtless glory. Wow… I knew the man never fought fair, but this… This was…

I was pretty sure I heard the girls make the Homer Simpson drooling sound. I couldn't blame them, because I wanted to gobble him up faster than Homer could down a box of doughnuts and a case of Duff Beer.

I stared at him for a few more moments, causing him to run his hand through his hair self-consciously as he rocked back on his feet. He looked nervous and extremely sexy, from his rumpled hair and tired-looking evergreen eyes, to the band of the squirrel-printed boxers I could see peeking above the black workout pants that hung low on his hips.

A giggle escaped me as I remembered buying him those silly boxers. Squirrels _did_ love nuts… almost as much as the girls loved the Precious.

I managed to drag my eyes back up his body and saw he was smiling almost shyly at me.

"Happy birthday," I said lamely. I twisted my hands in front of me, afraid to step forward and hug him like I wanted to.

"Thanks," he said, finally reaching for my knotted hands and tugging me to him. He enveloped me in his embrace, and I felt a little better almost instantaneously.

"I'm sorry for being such a bitch," I mumbled, pressing my face into his chest and hugging him tightly, loving the feel of his strong arms as they wrapped around me.

"Bella, you're not a bitch. I would never say that about you. I'm sorry for being such a clueless guy." He rested his cheek on the crown of my head and rubbed my back before releasing me, taking my hand and pulling me into the loft. The door shut behind us with a soft click and I hung my bag on the hook in the entryway.

I looked around nervously, still feeling a bit awkward, unease making my frame tense and rigid as Edward reached for me again and led me to the big leather couch. We passed Tanya and Renesmee's little blanket, where I was greeted with a hiss from the She-Beast that sounded more like she was trying to hock up a giant hairball. Our baby was sound asleep at her side; I wanted to pick her up and have a cuddle, but I preferred to keep all my fingers.

Tanya got up and stretched slowly, her huge belly reminding me of a python that had just swallowed a rather large meal. I never took my eyes off her as she strutted toward the door, her weird tail curling back and forth at the end as she walked. I sat on the couch quickly, kicking my shoes off at her and tucking my feet up next to me to protect my ankles as she went by. She gave me the evil eye all the way, finally sitting her huge behind at the door and meowing plaintively. Edward squeezed my hand and went to let her out, chuckling softly and shaking his head the whole way.

I could hear the girls whispering to each other, making plans on how to off the Medusa whore-cat. I wholeheartedly agreed with them.

"I don't know why you think that's funny," I griped. "That cat would cheerfully murder me in the most painful way if she had opposable thumbs."

He came back and plopped down next to me (how the bastard managed to make even _that_ look graceful was beyond me), tugging me into his side. Kissing me softly on the temple as he slung an arm around my shoulder, he whispered, "She doesn't like you because she knows she's not my number one girl."

I tried to hide my smile from him, because that much cheesiness, sweet as it was, did not need any encouragement. He pulled me closer, rubbing his lips over the top of my ear.

"You said 'opposable thumbs.'" He pressed a soft, warm kiss just behind my ear as he tugged the elastic from my ponytail. "You know what scientific terms coming from those lips do to me."

_Isn't there something we're supposed to be discussing? _

_**No, Bella's brain… Go back to sleep, we'll take care of the rest. Talking is for after we see the little swimmers.**_

I could have sworn there was an important conversation that was imminent, but _dear Lord…_ His lips started traveling down my neck and my eyes dropped closed as his tongue joined the arsenal of tools that made Bella brainless.

_No… wait. I always let him brainwash me._ _This time I'm taking a stand, damn it. _I ignored the girls' whining and took a deep breath, leaning away from him so I could gather my wits.

"Edward… I ah… As much as I'd love to continue this later, don't you think we need to talk about what happened this afternoon?" I was so proud of myself for managing not to squeak when I spoke. He sighed and nodded, scrubbing his face with his free hand and letting it trail up into his hair.

"I know, Bella. I'm sorry. I never would have thrown it away if I'd known how special that was to you. I didn't think. I didn't even see the writing on it." He was so sincere, and it just made me feel even worse for acting the way I had. "That you would keep something like that, because it reminded you of us, it's just… It's really nice," he finished, looking sheepish. I took the hand that was still tugging at his hair and held it, looking into his eyes.

"I know you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt me. I think I owe you an even bigger apology for acting so horribly. I was embarrassed about keeping that napkin," I said, looking away for a few moments before braving his gaze again. "I was afraid you'd think I was crazy or something, and then I went and acted even worse. I'm sorry."

"Bella," he began, but I wasn't finished.

"No, let me say it all, or I never will."

"Okay. You know you can tell me anything. I may be clueless sometimes, and I know I'll never figure you out, but I'm not going to stop trying, ever. Just a fair warning." He gave me an encouraging smile, and I searched for the guts to continue. This was it. Now or never…

_Crap, Bella! Why are you such a coward? _

_Why, hello, inner bitch. Nice of you to join the party, but it's getting kind of crowded in here…_

"Sometimes I can't believe my luck. I know you always say you're not perfect, but to me, you pretty much are," I admitted. "I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and it will be just a dream, like you never existed. The pull you have over me, over _everyone_, with that damn 'tractor beam,' it scares me a little." I paused, licking my dry lips and taking another deep breath. I was stalling. "I guess I'm afraid you're going to wake up one day and realize you could do a lot better than a floundering bartender with a graduate degree."

"Bella," he sighed, shaking his head. "Stop worrying so much. You've got me. I'm not going anywhere."

"But you're so freaking… ugh, you're so damn dazzling. You could dazzle your way into the Queen Mother's granny panties if you wanted." _Oh, God. R.I.P., internal filter. You never did work properly._ Edward laughed loudly and drew me so close I was practically in his lap.

"_You_ dazzle _me_, Bella. And for the record, with all due respect, I do not want to be anywhere _near_ the Queen Mother's granny panties. The only granny panties I want into are yours," he teased. I smacked him playfully on the arm.

"I don't wear granny panties," I said, offended.

"Yes, Bella, you do. I get into them often enough." The bastard winked at me and, of course, he was forgiven. "I think you're underestimating the effect of your own 'tractor beam,'" he said, offering me his lobotomizing, crooked smile. "I think our 'tractor beams' attract each other."

"But wouldn't that be like 'crossing the streams,' Egon?" I joked. I still hadn't broken the habit of using humor to hide my unease. I doubted I ever would. I needed so badly to tell him how I really felt and here we were, joking again. We'd be up all night at this rate.

_**Yeah, up all night, and not in the good way**_, the girls groused.

"Bella, don't you remember what happened when they crossed the streams?" he asked seriously.

"Yeah, it blew up a really creepy looking temple on top of a fifty-story apartment building!"

He barked out a surprised laugh, like he couldn't help himself. "You ruined it!" he managed to get out between laughing fits.

"I ruined what?" I didn't think the situation was particularly funny. "It's true! I've seen the damn movie a million times," I muttered, getting more frustrated by the minute.

"You ruined my cheesy romantic line," he pouted. I was almost immune to that pouting witchcraft by now… If _almost _was defined as immune about thirty percent of the time.

"You were really going to use _Ghostbusters_ as an inspiration for one of your awesome, pathetically cheesy lines? I have to hear this!" My frustration was nearly forgotten at the thought. What was he going to pull out of his magnificent ass this time?

"Nope, the moment is gone." He sighed loudly at the end.

I half expected him to add a "_Ho-hum. Woe is me, Poor Edward_," _a-la_ Eeyore. The sad thing was, I probably would have fallen for that crap too.

"No, Edward, I want to hear it." _Well, he did say I have a tractor beam that works on him…_ I linked my fingers behind his neck, smiling up at him. When he didn't immediately speak up, I added one more level, lightly biting the inside of my lip and making sure he saw it. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. _Almost_… I unlinked my fingers and let them slide into the back of his hair, nails grazing his scalp ever so slightly. _Is he really going to fall for this shit? Anytime I've ever read about girls doing this in books, I always thought it was a load of steaming horse crap. _

"Crossing the streams also generated enough heat to melt a one-hundred foot marshmallow man," he said throatily. _Yes, throatily! Cheeseball_.

I couldn't help the giggle that burst out of mouth. I seemed to giggle a lot around him. "That's got to top anything else you've ever said," I managed. He leaned closer and his arms tightened, pulling me fully into his lap as his smile widened.

"You think so?" he asked, dropping his head a little lower. I nodded, and our noses brushed. He didn't back away. "Really?" he murmured, tilting his head to the side and coming closer, so slowly. My eyes dropped closed and I nodded slightly.

"Uh-huh." The soft press of his lips to mine made me stop moving. I leaned into his chest and he spread his hands on my back. I felt completely surrounded by him, as if I was a part of him and he was mine, all with that simple kiss. I felt it every time his breath brushed my cheek, in the faint sensation of his heartbeat against me.

He pulled back slowly and rubbed my back. I dared to open my eyes and look at him, hoping he could really "see" me. I sat there, letting him see _everything_, my fears, my hopes, and my happiness.

"Bella, I love you," he said simply, bare honesty in his eyes. _Are my eyes stinging?_ "I don't care if the 'tractor beam' works on anyone else, even if it does." _He did_ not _just use air quotes and tell me he loved me in the same sentence!_ "The only one I want to reel in is you."

My heart was pounding, the sound of my blood rushing through my veins like static in my ears. He loved me back!

_Wait, now my eyes are blurry! How many freaking times can I cry today? _

I blinked, and sure enough, tears slid down my cheeks.

The girls asked for a tissue.

"Edward, I love you, too," I whispered, blinking rapidly, as he brought his hands around to gently brush the tears away. "I've loved you for a while now," I admitted. I heard his sharp intake of breath over the sound of my racing heart. He smiled my beautiful crooked smile, and the tension I hadn't noticed before melted from his shoulders; the tightness around his eyes faded away. His eyes closed for a moment as he continued to stroke my cheeks, and when he opened them again, wonder glowed in the lush depths.

And the love there… I wondered how I'd never seen it before. It was so plain, so honest and pure; it was like an exact replica of what I felt for him.

"Bella, you make me want to be a better man. And when I'm with you, you make me _feel_ like a better man." _Stop crying, you're acting like an idiot!_ He wiped more tears from my face before continuing. "I feel more and more whole the more time I spend with you. You're funny, intelligent, loyal, beautiful, and so many other great things; I can't name them all."

I opened my mouth to reply, ready to blubber all over him in happiness like a moron, and he pressed the pad of his thumb over my lips. I didn't try to speak any more, and he removed his thumb.

"One more thing," he said. "I've loved you from the very beginning, I think. I didn't realize how much I was missing before I met you. I thought I was happy; I had my career, and I had a supportive family. But I never felt so alive, so… fucking goofy," he laughed, and I kind of half-sobbed with a laugh in there somewhere. "Until I met you," he finished.

_**Does this mean we're on the job?**_

That was enough to help me get my tears under control.

"Edward, you are a good man. Nobody's perfect. But you're perfect for _me_. I love you."

"I don't think you'll ever realize just how perfect you are for _me_," he whispered.

I leaned in to seal it with another soft kiss, just as innocent, yet just as powerful as before. We came apart slowly, smiling at each other, and I laid my head on his shoulder. I don't know how long we sat there, just absorbing the feel of each other, before he suddenly pulled back.

"Oh! We have to feed Renesmee, since Tanya's gone for the night."

"Can she be gone forever?" I asked hopefully.

"Why, Bella, are you plotting her death?" he teased. I snorted.

"Like she hasn't been plotting mine from our first date, when she tried to trip me." I got up and went over to get the little nudger, Edward following close behind. "Hi, baby," I cooed. She didn't even wake, sleeping the deep sleep of the innocent. I had no idea how she could do that, considering the whore-cat she slept by could roll over at any minute and crush her.

"Let's give her some tuna," Edward suggested, his wicked grin firmly in place. "It's hilarious, the way she starts growling and shaking when she tastes it."

I laughed and agreed. It really was too funny… my little baby got all aggressive over fish, like we were trying to steal it from her. The only downside was that we still had to hand-feed her. Okay, maybe we didn't _have_ to hand-feed her, but I liked to. I thought it deepened our connection and made Edward and me more important to her than the Medusa whore-cat. I cradled her on her back in the crook of my elbow as he got out a fresh can of tuna.

"Now watch, as I illustrate the _proper_ way to open a pull-tab can without cutting off your finger," he teased, getting the fucking thing open with no problems at all.

_**Magic fingers… take us all the way to heaven.**_

_Yes, girls. I know this very well. _

_**But we think we need another demonstration…**_

Renesmee suddenly twitched in my arms as she smelled the tuna, digging her little claws into my boob.

"Ow! It begins," I said as I detached her from my shirt gingerly. Edward smirked at me as he put a bit of the tuna on a plate and the rest in the refrigerator.

"I'll make sure to kiss that one better." His voice was full of my favorite kind of implication.

"Oh, you will?" I asked with an eyebrow raised, as I set the furball on the counter. "What makes you think I'll let you?"

"Bella, we've already had this conversation." He came closer, 'tractor beaming' it up. Distracted by his damn shirtless magnificence, I let Renesmee slip away from my hands and she made a beeline for the plate of tuna. She attacked it voraciously, making sounds that could rival the She-Beast as she powered through the little pile on her plate.

Edward and I watched her, appalled at her lack of manners; it looked like she had managed to pick up some bad habits from Tanya after all. Her tail stuck straight up in the air and vibrated with every bite she took. I went a little closer to pet her little head – and was rewarded with a growl worthy of the Medusa whore-cat herself.

"Wow, she's even worse this time," Edward laughed.

"It's not funny, she picked up that crap from Tanya, not us," I muttered. He just shook his head and followed me, even though I had just gone two feet away from him. I tried to pet her again and she growled before I even touched her.

"Watch out, she's vicious. I wouldn't touch her until that plate is far away from her." He laid his chin on my shoulder and set his hands on my hips. Dear God, it was hard to concentrate when he was in a five-foot radius of me, let alone inches away. "It's gone," he said in wonder.

"She was hungry. The She-Beast hasn't been doing her job." I let my disdain for Tanya color every word. Stupid cat. Teaching my baby bad table manners and not letting her eat enough… Mean, terrible, slutty, Mommy-Dearest cat. Edward reached around me and took the plate while I tried to pick up Renesmee.

She bit me!

My _baby_ bit me! Not just a little nip, but full-on, jaw-locking, snapping turtle, 'not gonna let go until the lightning strikes' bit me!

"Holy crap! Ouch! Renesmee!" I hissed, trying my hardest not to drop her. "Let go!" She finally realized that my finger was not, in fact, more tuna, and let go. I looked up to see Edward laughing at me and shaking his head. "I'm glad you're enjoying my pain, Cullen." I carried her to her blanket, knowing I couldn't be mad at her, because she'd only been following her instincts. She curled up in her usual spot, licking a tiny paw a few times before falling asleep faster than a narcoleptic.

"I told you not to touch her," he said, coming over to check my finger. I stuck my tongue out at him and held it up; half wishing it was my middle finger instead of the index. "Wow. She got you pretty good with those kitten teeth, didn't she?" he mused, already leading me to his bathroom.

"I can do this myself, you know," I offered.

"I know, but I like taking care of you," he said simply. I swallowed compulsively, feeling like a teenager in the throes of her first love. He helped me up to sit on the counter before getting out his little box that had all the first aid supplies inside.

"You should put a label on that box. Call it your Bella box," I babbled, talking my way through the sting as he poured the skin-cooking hydrogen peroxide over the small slice. "I don't know why you've always got to use that stuff on me," I complained. "Do you enjoy seeing my blood bubble?"

"Bella, you _have_ seen her lick her own butt, haven't you?" he asked, giving me _the_ eyebrow and a hint of a smile.

"Good point."

_**That's disgusting. Just another reason why that feline is not our child. She licks herself… down there.**_

I looked around nervously, suddenly feeling a little shy as I remembered what we had done on this very countertop. We'd been together for months, had _been together_ so many times, but this time, it was different. We'd finally voiced our feelings out loud, and it seemed like every glance, every touch, was amplified now.

"All done," he said, his soft, velvety voice seeming loud in the large bathroom. I hadn't even noticed he was finished. Lifting my hand to his lips, he kissed the bandage and helped me hop down. I didn't really need the assistance, but I'd take any excuse I was given for his touch.

He yawned and scratched his head. Not two seconds later, I yawned in response. Damn things were contagious. I poked him in the bellybutton and left him standing in the bathroom to go raid his t-shirt drawer. _God, I am so fucking juvenile_. I wanted to smack myself in the head.

"Oh, no," he warned, coming up behind me. "You're not getting another one of my concert tees. You've already stolen my favorite Weezer tee, and my Rage shirt disappeared last week."

"So? You know where I live," I said suggestively. "You can come and get them anytime you want." He was so close behind me and he smelled so good… _Focus, Bella! Find a good one! Where is it? THERE! _I grinned as I turned to face him, holding up his Downward Spiral NIN tee.

"Not that one, please," he begged, pouting at me. I squeezed my eyes shut against the magnetic power The Pout had over me, feeling the hair on my arms stand up as he leaned closer. I could hear him rustling around in the drawer behind me. I could feel my knees weakening by the second and warmth coiled in my belly as I took a deep breath.

Mistake! He took advantage of my incapacitation (due to Edward nearness) and swiped the shirt from my hand, quickly exchanging it for another one. I sighed and gave up for the night. I'd get it…eventually; the man slept like a fallen log, allowing me plenty of time to snoop through all his drawers.

"I want you to wear this one." His hands went to the buttons of my black dress shirt and made quick work of it. I stood there dumbly, my gaze drawn to his automatically. The look in his eyes was so intense, so clear, and I suddenly felt inadequate. This whole thing felt like a rebirth of our relationship, and despite the prior experience I had with him, I was nervous as hell. The next words out of his mouth didn't help. He leaned in close as he gently pushed the shirt off my shoulders. "But you won't be wearing it for a while."

I dropped the tee, which slid to the floor along with the shirt I had been wearing. His hands were warm as they moved down my back, the slight pressure pulling me closer. Soft lips brushed over my ear, and I turned my face into his neck.

"Tell me again." My voice was barely above a whisper. His arms tightened around me, nearly crushing me to him. I planted my hands on the planes of his chest, digging my fingertips into the grooves just above his collarbones.

"You won't be wearing that shirt for a while," he murmured, his breath hot and humid against the shell of my ear. Stiffening, I drew a big breath to call him an asshole or something equally uncouth, but then I felt his teeth graze my earlobe as he laughed softly. "Not what you meant?"

"No," I answered, but it turned into more of a moan as his hands skimmed around my waist and quickly released the button and zipper of my trousers. He wasted no time, slipping his fingers beneath the elastic of my panties and shoving the whole ensemble off of my hips in one move. My eyes fluttered closed as he trailed his fingertips over my ass on the way up, all the way up my back to knot in the hair at the base of my neck.

I licked my lips, the sensation of my rapid breathing against their wet surface shockingly cool one minute, then blindingly hot as his mouth covered mine. The kiss was slick and rough, full of our newly revealed feelings. We'd shared so many kisses already, but this was new and different, and just… more. He tasted so good, so much better now, so intense and intoxicating and…

I heard the soft moan rumble up from his chest, felt it under my hands that were firmly pressed to his chest. His teeth grazed my lip as he pulled back enough to speak, but our lips were still touching.

"I love you." His tone was rough and warm, soft and perfect. Eager for more of his taste, I licked my lips again as he led me the few feet to the bed. He sat in front of me, drawing me in between his legs so he could drop soft kisses across my chest, the fabric of my bra preventing him from kissing where I really wanted.

"Your bed's not made," I observed dumbly. _Nice dirty-talking, Bella. I'm sure that's a real turn-on for him._

"It will look even worse by the time I'm done with you." _Holy fuck._

I shivered as his hands crept up my ribs slowly, his fingertips delving below the bottom of my bra and pushing the cups up and out of his way.

His lips trailed warm, tingling paths over the swells of my breasts; I dug my fingers into his hair and pressed him harder against me. My head dropped forward until my lips were buried in his soft hair.

"I love you, too," I breathed, the clean scent of his wild hair enveloping me and invigorating every cell of my body. I was alive, electric, vibrating with the sensations curling deep inside me. Every touch was new and overwhelming, yet so perfectly right and familiar. I trembled as his hands traveled slowly down my ribs, his thumbs trailing lazily over my hipbones, before returning to trace feather-light lines on the sensitive undersides of my breasts.

"You're shaking," he whispered, his breath hot against my damp skin. His mouth was so close to my nipple… I arched into him, nearly begging for the contact. "Are you cold?"

"No," I gasped, as he cupped my breasts in both hands and pressed them together; licking hot trails of fire down the cleavage he created. I tried to move closer, but when it wasn't enough I climbed up onto the mattress and rested my knees on either side of his hips. I was bare before him, showing him my body and my soul, yet I wasn't afraid. I trusted him with them – and my heart – completely. Reaching behind me, I quickly unhooked my bra and threw it across the room before returning my fingers to his head.

Finally, his teeth grazed over my nipple before he took it fully into his mouth; I shivered harder at the hot, wet texture of his tongue on my unbelievably sensitive flesh. One of his hands burned its way down my side and over my hip, gripping firmly and pulling me harder into him. I pressed back, loving the rigid feel of him through the layers of clothing. He moaned, adding yet another layer of sensation that drove my desperation.

He kept his hand at my hip, guiding our movements as we ground into each other. I pulled and tugged on his hair, knowing how he liked it, and I was rewarded with the inarticulate sounds I loved to hear from him as he kissed and nipped his way across my chest and up my neck. His mouth returned to mine, and I delved right inside, my tongue sliding deep and tangling with his. My hands dropped to his shoulders and I dug my nails in, unable to help the urge to cling to him with all my might.

His arms went around my back, and we moved – one second I was straddling him at the edge of the bed and in the next, I was flat on my back with him planted firmly between my legs. He took over the kiss, pressing his face closer to mine, our lips and tongues meeting and meshing with increasing pressure. His erection rode in just the right spot, slow and hard, and I thought I was going to cum without even having him inside me.

Then he was gone, kneeling between my legs and pinning me with that intense, burning stare. I was struggling to remember how to breathe, and it didn't help when he slid his thumbs under the pants that hung low on his hips and shoved them down, revealing himself to me in one quick motion. I swallowed convulsively, squirming under his gaze as he remained still, watching me. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore and took a breath to beg him to come back, to fuck the shit out of me, he gripped himself in one hand and stroked slowly, his tongue peeking out to lick his lips before he spoke.

"All those other times," he said, his voice a rough whisper in the tense silence of the room, "I hoped you were mine. It _felt_ like you were mine. To _know it_ now… Fuck, Bella, I can't even tell you how much I want you." His eyes roamed my body as I laid before him, spread out for his pleasure, his love. I reached up and placed my hand on his wrist, stopping his motions.

"I _was_ yours. I _am_ yours. I love you." I knew I sounded hoarse and scratchy, but my throat was so tight with everything coursing through me: desire, need, love…all for him. I tugged on his hand and he came to me easily, threading his arms underneath me and holding me close. My legs wrapped around his hips almost involuntarily; my body took over and my brain took a backseat.

His cock was hot against the thin skin of my inner thigh, but he made no movement to complete our connection other than to rub his lips over mine. My fingers pressed into the muscles of his back, trying to pull him closer.

"I belong to you, Bella. Only you," he breathed against my lips, sealing his mouth over mine as he positioned himself, pushing inside me slow and hard. We moved together slowly, burning, twisting, absorbed in each other. He shifted some of his weight to one elbow, bringing one hand up to stroke the hair back from my face as he pulled away from the kiss. His fingertips skimmed down my throat and his lips followed. Hot breath struck my skin as he spoke and I arched my neck to give him better access. "I've never felt like this, never. Only with you."

"Oh, God," I moaned as his fingers tweaked my nipple before palming my breast possessively. "Edward…me neither." He levered himself up just a bit more, changing the angle of his thrusts, the movements of his hips becoming harder, faster, deeper. My world was confined to this room, this bed, and the man above me… _in_ me. He _was_ my world, and I was his, and we both knew it. I raked one hand up his back to fist in his hair, holding him as close to me as possible.

I fought to keep my eyes open, because I wanted to watch the beauty of him; the fluidity of his lean muscles as they flexed, the slight sheen of sweat made visible by the dim lamplight. He lifted his head to meet my gaze, his eyes darting between my eyes and lips, like he couldn't decide if he wanted to kiss me or simply watch me as we made love. I squeezed my inner muscles around him as he thrust faster, loving the look of utter pleasure that crossed his face.

"Fuck, Bella… I love it when you do that," he said, short of breath and rough with exertion.

His eyes were deep, deep green as they finally dropped closed and his head hung next to mine. I felt his hand slide down between us, felt the swirl of his thumb as he swept it through over us and centered it over my clit. He went hard and deep, his thumb moving in slick circles that drove me higher and higher. His lips were at my ear, his words and voice spurring me on.

"I love making you cum. I love hearing you scream my name, love."

It was all too much: the feel of him between my legs, the rush of his breath against my neck, his whispered words in my ear. I was wound tighter and tighter, relaxed and tense at the same time, letting him take me where I needed to go. He always did.

I called out his name as I clenched around him in release, my hands clutching him tightly, digging into his back and pulling at his hair. He thrust steadily through my climax, every exhaled breath carrying a low moan or my name.

"That feels good, doesn't it, love? Fuck…I love the way you feel around me," he breathed, still not stopping. I could feel his back trembling as he fought his release; could hear the strain in his voice. His thumb swirled around my entrance again and came back to circle my clit, this time slower and harder. He sat up on his heels and I was afraid I might have pulled out a few hairs, but he didn't seem affected. Still inside me, he pulled me up onto his thighs as he stared down at me, both hands now gripping my hips, his thumb still working its magic on the peak of my sex. "I never want to stop…"

I was boneless, trapped by his burning gaze as he pounded into me in short, hard thrusts. He went so much deeper in this position and, amazingly, I felt the tension building again, faster and more intensely than the first time.

"Edward… oh, fuck…" I panted, my hands covering his as I came again, fighting to keep my eyes open to watch him as he finally allowed himself to cum. His jaw clenched as he thrust one final time, groaning loudly as he pulsed inside me. I stared, overcome as I saw the pleasure wash over his face, loving that only I could give that to him. Only me.

Spent, he came down half on top of me and I wrapped my arms around him, caressing his back in long, slow strokes as our breathing returned to normal. Neither of us spoke for long minutes, content to lie there with one another, comfortable in our nakedness in both body and soul.

I ignored the girls as they squealed and screamed like rabid fangirls at what must have been the appearance of the little swimmers. I thought I heard cries of _**'We thought we'd never see you again,' **_and_** 'Oh, we thought we were going to **_**die**_** without you…"**_

"Every time I called you 'love,' I meant it," he whispered. "Every single time." Thank God for Edward's distractions; I was getting sick of the lovefest.

"I hoped you did," I confessed. "I wanted you to mean it. And I think some part of me knew."

"Good." He pressed a kiss to my neck and sighed. I breathed him in, loving the scent him as always, but that – just like everything else – seemed new and special as well. "I was afraid it would scare you away, but I couldn't help it."

I laughed quietly. "And here I was worrying I would scare you off…"

"Why?"

"That night at your parents' house, that was the night I realized I loved you. I thought it was way too soon, and there was no way you could feel the same," I said. "I saw the way that your dad looked at your mom… and then I realized you looked at me the same way. I was done for," I finished with a small smile.

"Well, now you know I did," he laughed, his voice quiet in the silent room. "I knew you were special the first moment I saw you apologizing to some customer you'd dropped meat on."

"Yeah, but I know your definition of 'special' sometimes varies," I joked. "It's not always a compliment." He raised his head and smiled crookedly at me, raising one hand to stroke my cheek.

"But the moment I knew for sure was that day at the bakery… You were so compassionate, Bella. I knew you were the one when you told me that I needed to take my mistakes and learn from them, grow from them. You helped me realize that I was selling myself short. That I could have what I wanted and stop punishing myself. And I knew that what I wanted, more than anything, was you."

I hugged him hard then, whispering, "I love you," in his ear.

"I'm so lucky," he mused, the wonder plain in his voice.

He thought _he_ was the lucky one? What the hell was he smoking?

"If you think you're the lucky one, then I'd better go buy a Mega Millions ticket, pronto. I must be the luckiest girl on the planet." He actually snorted. I was sure he'd picked that up from me. Even a snort from Edward Cullen was attractive. It was disgusting.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Edward?"

"Will you tell me what Dr. Precious means?"

"Never," I laughed, closing my eyes so I couldn't see The Pout that I just knew was forming on his face at that very moment.

"Please?" He planted kisses all over my face and neck, but I held firm.

"Never," I repeated.

"Oh, Bella," he sighed, shaking his head. "You know, 'resistance is futile.' I _will_ get it out of you."

"You can _try_," I said, in my snarkiest tone. "And please, _for the love of God_, please, NEVER quote _Star Trek_ when we are naked again." We both dissolved into laughter and snuggled closer.

We remained there for a few more minutes, with him unsuccessfully trying to charm the meaning of Dr. Precious out of me, until Edward mumbled something about the bathroom. Of course, fucking nature had to call when I wanted nothing more than for us to wallow in our disgustingly happy love.

Neither of us noticed that his pants and boxers were still hanging around his ankles… until Dr. _Graceful_ Precious fell right off the bed.

* * *

_A/N: So there you have it! The chapter everyone has been hounding me for. Was it good for you? _

_So, the next one might take me a while… then again, it might not. Who knows? My brain is weird._

_While you're waiting, I have a rec if you'd like to read about another snarky, confident Bella, and a fuckhot Police-recruitWard. Yum._

Making the Cut by ShearEnvy:

http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5304599/1/Making_the_Cut

When a small town boy moves to the big city to pursue his dreams of becoming a cop and fate places him in the chair of a sexy, snarky hairstylist whose talent has her in high demand, will it be shear ecstasy or split ends? AH/OOC B/E

_Sorry if ffn is still being a giant whore cockblocker. Leave me some love? Thank you all for reading!_


	22. Chapter 22 Six Degrees of the Girls

_Yes, I suck at updating. I know this._

_I don't own _Twilight, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Beavis and Butthead, Carrie_, _The Waterboy_, or anything else you recognize, but the girls and the Precious are mine. I would do that little copyright symbol, but let's face it: I'm writing fan fic. But if you steal my work, the girls will put a curse on your ovaries nothing short of your worst nightmares. I'm fairly certain there is a Voodoo priestess somewhere in my family tree, so I can back that shit up._

_To my wifey and beta, EchoesOfTwilight: I don't know what I'd do without you. _

_To my LoD girls, AmeryMarie and Caren/Nerac: thanks for kicking my ass, the great suggestions, and all the hilarious chats. My husband is jealous of all of you, even if he is a little turned on by the notion of four girls...together...and that's where I will let my typing vomit come to a stop._

_

* * *

  
_

**Chapter 22: Six Degrees of the Girls**

I woke up fast. No slow, deep breathing awakening for me. Today was Edward's birthday, and we had the whole day to spend together. I was determined to make things perfect from the moment he opened his eyes to the minute he passed out in pleasure from my awesome sex-goddess skills.

I knew his favorite breakfast was French toast, so I prayed he had some stale bread in his pantry. When I'd planned for this day, it was with the assumption that we'd be sleeping at my apartment, where there was a perfect loaf of stale French bread just waiting to be dipped in yummy eggs, vanilla, milk, cinnamon, and nutmeg.

But really, how could I be upset at the turn last evening had taken?

_**You can't, Bella. He loves us, and now we're going to make babies. We've had enough test runs. It's time for the maiden voyage…if you know what we mean.**_

_He doesn't love _us_, girls. He loves _me_. You're still on standby. Indefinitely._

I ignored their whining and concentrated on slipping out of the bed undetected. It was easier said than done. I had to take a minute to convert myself into super-secret Ninja mode. Picturing myself covered in a black dojo outfit complete with katana, I inched lower in the bed, trying to get out from under the arm that lay heavily across my waist. Why the katana? Because Donatello was my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

'…_heroes in a half-shell – Turtle Power!_' _Oh, God. I am a million kinds of crazy. Focus, Bella!_

I made it about a foot before he stirred. Ninja Bella froze, praying that he wouldn't wake up.

_Am I talking about myself in the third person? Did I just call myself "Ninja Bella?" And why doesn't it bother me that my nose is stuck in his armpit?_

_**They're called pheromones, Bella. Breathe them in…we like them. They make us extra perky.**_

Dear God. _How many IQ points did he fuck out of me last night?_

Rolling my eyes at myself, I remained still until I was sure he wasn't waking up. I resumed my inchworm-like crawl out from under his arm, only to find myself face-to-face with my favorite part of his anatomy – other than his face. A whimper escaped me when I thought about what I could be doing instead of making breakfast.

_**How can you deny our Precious?**_

I actually growled at myself_. Is this what I've been reduced to? Held captive by a pair of hormone-secreting reproductive organs? I have no idea how men deal with this on a daily basis. _

I was still facing the object of the girls' (and if I was honest, my own) desire when I realized I was free to move off the bed. I just needed the will to step away from the peen.

_Step away from the peen. Hmm…easier said than done_.

I wasn't sure if there was anything I wanted _less_ in this world. The girls cheered me on, getting out their megaphones and pom-poms and holding up spirit signs, but I clenched my teeth and ignored them. They attempted some sort of pyramid, but that was impossible with only two of them… apparently my uterus wasn't willing to participate. At least _that_ body part was still on my side.

Taking one last deep breath of his scent – _holy fuck, _why _am I smelling his crotch_ – I rolled to the side of the bed, falling off and managing to catch myself without too much of a disturbance. Freezing in place, I listened for any signs of movement from the sleeping sex on a stick…proof that I was an idiot for leaving him in that bed all by himself.

My head popped up over the side of the bed like one of those idiotic gopher-in-the-hole games, my eyes darting from side to side to ensure he was still asleep.

_God, that man is beautiful. Look at those lips…and the wild mess of hair…_

Sweet Baby Jesus, those muscles that stretched over his back and shoulders without being huge and gross; just perfect swells of lean muscle that I wanted to bite…

_**Yes, Bella, keep looking at that genetic perfection. We want all his G's, A's, T's and C's. We want to connect with his little swimmers; go all the way and form the spindle apparatus from the centrioles and make sweet Meiosis II with them…**_

_Damn it, girls, shut up! I have plans here, very specific plans, which do not require your assistance._

I shook my head to clear away the residual perviness, at which point Ninja Bella realized her costume was imagined and that she was actually naked.

_I really need to stop thinking of myself in the third person…and as Ninja Bella_. Graceful and quick, I was not.

Judging by the volume of his adorable snores (holy _fuck_, I had it bad if I thought snores were adorable), I was pretty sure I could escape safely. I looked around; taking in the damage we'd done last night. The room was a mess, our clothes strewn everywhere. I was rather proud of our exploits. This room looked just like a movie set of a romantic comedy after 'The Big Night' that came in every single one of those stupid things. It was either that, or a porno. I discounted the porno because usually the chicks weren't wearing as much clothing as I'd been wearing last night, I didn't have huge French-tipped acrylic nails with diamond appliqués, and I didn't own a pair of clear resin platform shoes. My bra was lying across the armchair in the corner of the room, and I prayed to God that '2.0' was still stuck inside somehow.

I nearly cursed out loud when I reached my discarded lingerie and saw no napkin tucked inside the cup. Panicking, I scanned the room desperately, tiptoeing around, trying not to wake Edward. After a few minutes of searching, I finally held my breath and lifted the sheet that covered his ass. I had to clap my hand over my mouth when I saw it was stuck to his right butt-cheek.

_How the fuck did that happen? _I thought to myself.

_Oh. OH!_

Heat flamed over my cheeks and chest as I remembered what we'd done after Edward pulled a 'Bella' and fell off the bed. The napkin must have fallen to the floor when I'd ripped off my bra. I bit my lip to keep from laughing as I reached forward to pluck the paper square from his squeezable butt.

After ensuring '2.0' was safely plucked from Edward's Buns of Steel, I scrambled over to the dresser and slipped on the shirt he'd chosen for me, then I crept out of the room and put the napkin in my bag. As I made my way back to the bathroom, I took a minute to admire the early morning Seattle skyline, which was earning its nickname of "The Emerald City" while the sun rose this morning. _God, I'm pathetic. He tells me he loves me and I turn into freaking Meg Ryan from _Sleepless in Seattle_._

As I finished the necessary bathroom business and turned to leave, I looked in the mirror and caught the glimpse of writing on the back of the shirt. My mouth dropped open when I realized "CULLEN" was plastered across the back.

I rolled my eyes, while the girls sighed and wrote "Mrs. Edward Cullen" over and over in their little diaries. No wonder he wanted me to wear that shirt. _What a caveman_, my inner bitch grumbled. _It would be Isabella Swan-Cullen_. She was about as useful as the girls, so I ignored her.

Truth be told, I thought it was kind of hot that he wanted his name all over me.

That didn't mean I wouldn't call him out. It was one of the best parts of our relationship…that sort of mutual antagonism – which really wasn't antagonism at all, but rather a strange form of affection.

I knew it was a horrible cliché, but it still gave me a wonderful, warm feeling inside. I kind of liked it when Edward went all caveman on me.

_**Caveman…Homo erectus…heh**_.

_Now girls, you_ do _realize that would be impossible, since we are separated from_ Homo erectus _in the Hominid cladogram by almost two million years… _H. neanderthalensis _and or early modern _Homo sapiens_ are usually what 'caveman' refers to. _H. erectus_ likely lived in trees on the African Savanna._

So what if I studied random facts of science and evolutionary biology? It turned Edward on; in my book, that was a very good thing, and worth every bit of spare time I spent learning big, scientific words I could use to my advantage.

The girls were still grunting and laughing like Beavis and Butthead. Hmm…maybe they'd like a new name.

_Keep it up and I'll start calling you Beavis and Butthead, okay?_

Aaah, sweet silence. Just to taunt them, I pulled the neck of my tee-shirt up over my head and stuck up my arms.

"I am the Great Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!"

I realized what I was doing and immediately straightened my shirt. I was a sick, sick woman, apparently with the mind of a thirteen-year old boy.

Stumbling my way to the kitchen, I quietly rifled through his cupboards, trying to come up with something suitable for a birthday morning breakfast.

Captain Crunch, Cherry Pop-Tarts, powdered-sugar mini doughnuts…

_Bubbles? And a Super-Soaker? What the hell?_

I was so busy being baffled by the contents of his pantry that I didn't hear him coming up behind me until he'd grabbed a fistful of my shirt and pulled me back against him. I yelped, glad I'd visited the bathroom after I'd woken up, before I realized it was Edward.

"You scared the shit out of me!" I snapped, trying to act pissed off. It was nearly freaking impossible. He smelled so good and his voice was like liquid ecstasy (not that I'd ever done that – allegedly) in my ear. I just wanted to take off my clothes and rub up against him while we danced together to techno, waving glow-sticks in the dark.

"That's what you get for leaving me in bed alone," he complained, curving his arms tightly just underneath my breasts. "Although the view you were just treating me to was delicious."

"B-But you need breakfast," I stammered, reaching behind me to grab his hips. I whimpered when I realized he was naked, immediately bringing my hands up to pull at his arms. _God in Heaven, how the hell am I supposed to resist him? _ "It's your birthday. I should make you breakfast." It sounded perfectly reasonable to me.

"I don't want breakfast," he replied, bringing one hand up to brush the hair away from my neck.

"Something wrong?" His breath disturbed the hair lying over my ear and I shivered, little shocks racing over my skin.

"Don't you doctors always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day?" My voice was only a _little_ shaky. I felt his lips just behind my ear, barely touching me as he rubbed them up and down. His nose tickled my jaw with the movement, his chest expanding against my back when he inhaled deeply.

"You smell so fucking good," he murmured, the rough timbre of his voice reverberating in my chest and weakening my resolve. My eyelids fell shut of their own accord. "We have plenty of time for breakfast, but right now, there's something – _someone_ – I want much more." His mouth opened against my neck and I couldn't stop the moan that escaped.

Must. Resist. _Remember your plans for later, Bella!_ Unfortunately, knowing what I planned to do to him tonight only made me more susceptible to his advances. I turned my head toward him, opening my mouth to protest.

"Edw -" The rest of his name was muffled by his lips and tongue. I caved, kissing him back fiercely despite the awkward angle created by our difference in height and his position behind me. His hand trailed up over my chest to hold my cheek as his other arm loosened, gently turning me to face him without breaking the kiss. I linked my hands behind his neck and shivered when he drew his fingers from my cheek to the hem of the tee-shirt and slipped his hand inside.

His long fingers curved over my hip and he groaned into my mouth as he squeezed firmly before moving forward to grasp my ass, pulling me roughly against him. Tingling pain spread across my scalp as he wound my hair in one fist, tugging my head back so he could drag his lips down my jaw and over my neck.

I took advantage of the ability to speak. "Edward, we can't. I have plans today, and we need to eat and get ready to go," I whined, then moaned as he grazed his teeth over the juncture of my neck and shoulder. "You don't play fair!"

"What plans?" he asked, shifting his hips against me while he tightened his grip on my rear. "Unless they involve spending the day in bed, I don't want to hear anything about them," he chuckled into my neck. I planted my palms against his chest and pushed, but he didn't budge.

"I'm serious! We're going to the zoo today, and then I'm making you dinner at my place."

"But it's my birthday," he pouted. "I want to unwrap this present right in front of me." His voice took on that deep, wicked tone that went straight to my lady bits – which were already way too excited.

"Believe me, you'll thoroughly enjoy what I have planned for you tonight," I said slyly, raising an eyebrow at him. He lifted his head to meet my eyes, turning on his 'tractor beam' as he ran his hand back and forth over my ass. _God, he drives a hard bargain_.

_**Heh, very hard**_, the girls grunted.

_Well, hello, Beavis and Butthead_, I threatened. I was rewarded with their silence.

He leaned forward to my ear, whispering "I want you now, and I'll want you tonight. In fact, I want you and me, naked, all day long."

"You're seriously making this difficult," I complained, biting back a whimper at the light brush of his lips against my ear.

"Then stop resisting," he said darkly, nipping my earlobe.

"Good things come to those who wait, you know." I slowly drew one hand down his chest – down, down, until I reached between us and trailed the tip of my finger along the length of his erection. A soft, strained moan escaped from his throat and his grip loosened; I used my advantage to push against his chest again, and this time I succeeded. I quickly scrambled to the other side of the kitchen island to put some distance between us. I'd be a goner if he got near me again.

He laughed and shook his head. "And you seriously thought you didn't have some kind of weird sex-fairy magic against me?"

I burst out laughing. "'Sex-fairy magic'?"

"What?" he asked defensively. "I have the 'tractor beam,' you have the sex-fairy magic."

"Ah…okay. Good to know," I said, the smug grin on my face a mile wide. He rolled his eyes and started to round the island, but I moved in the opposite direction to counter his movement. "I'll make us something for breakfast." He hung his shoulders dejectedly, hamming it up and trying to guilt me into giving in, but I held firm. "Why don't you go take a shower…and try to imagine what I've got in store for you tonight," I said seductively. At least, that was the effect I was going for, but I wasn't sure if it was coming across. In reality, it was the last-ditch effort of a woman with no willpower when it came to the cheesy, sweet, hot and _naked_ man I was currently staring down over the expanse of granite countertop.

"Are you suggesting that I take care of my 'problem' in the shower?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, gesturing to his still impressive erection. I shrugged, smiling slightly as I crossed my arms over my chest. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks at the thought of Edward touching himself in the shower.

_**No! You can't let the little swimmers go down the drain! That's worse than the Precious going in your mouth!**_

I ignored them as best as I could while my blush continued to deepen and my lips twitched with the need to grin. Edward's eyes took on that intense glint as he watched me.

"That turns you on, doesn't it?" His voice was honey and sex and fucking dazzling. Brain-melting. "The thought of me stroking myself while imagining what I'd like to do to you?" I have quite a few of those fantasies …" he trailed off, his smirk firmly in place. I was shocked speechless and ready to hurdle the kitchen island. _Fuck the zoo, fuck the dinner, let's trade all that in for just plain fucking!_

_Wait – that was _me_, not the girls? Oh, no…I'm doomed._

My resolve was saved by Edward himself. "I just might do that, Bella." He turned toward the master suite and walked away slowly. "I wonder if you can stay away," he tossed over his shoulder before he disappeared through the doorway. I leaned heavily against the counter, sucking in deep breaths. He poked his head around the corner and went for the kill. "I'll leave the door unlocked." _Sweet Lord of mercy…_

If anyone needed to rub one out right now, it was definitely me.

After a good five minutes of deep breathing exercises, copious mental images of the "Art of Seduction" George Castanza poster and internal pictures of Larry King, I was finally calm enough to whip up some pancakes, which this time I did not burn. I was just pulling the bacon out of the skillet when Edward came strolling back to the kitchen looking completely fucking lickable in an old Clash tee-shirt and a pair of worn jeans that made his ass look amazing. He was still pouting. It made me smile – I enjoyed his frustration, because sometimes I was a bitch like that.

"Please tell me you at least put some of your granny panties on," he said as I turned around to grab the plate of pancakes.

"Nope," I returned sweetly, until I realized he'd said _granny_ panties. "And they're not granny panties," I growled, giving him 'The Look.' He smirked at me as he took the plate from my hands and set it on the kitchen table. I was still amazed that he was immune. According to Grandma Marie, 'The Look' had shriveled the testicles of generations upon generations of men.

_Am I doing it wrong? What the hell is wrong with me? I need to be more forceful_…

"You," he said, pointing at me, "need to go put on some pants, or I can't be responsible for my actions – which may or may not involve maple syrup and the kitchen counter. I'll get the rest of breakfast while you go get dressed." My jaw dropped open and shut several times as I tried to think of something to say.

_He is trying to kill me._

_**Ahh, yes, Bella. He weel keel us…wiz **_**la petite mort, **_**zee leetle death.**_

_They speak French? _I _don't even speak French! And what's with the horrible French accent?_

Wordlessly, I went to the bedroom and stared at the mess. When I found my pants from the night before, I started to put them on, but my snarky side picked that moment to recover from its 'tractor beam' paralysis. Instead, I sifted through Edward's underwear drawer until I found another pair of boxers I'd given him – they were printed with tiny little cats. I quickly slipped them on, pleased to realize that the shirt completely covered the shorts.

Smirking, I strolled back into the living area and sat down next to Edward, casually plopping a couple pancakes onto my plate and dousing them with syrup. I think I heard a growl come from deep in his throat.

"I thought you were going to put on some clothes," he said in a strangled voice.

"I did," I answered flippantly, hiking up the shirt so he could see the hem of the boxers. He swallowed audibly and dropped his head into his hands.

"You're gonna kill me."

I laughed and rubbed my hand over his hair until he looked up at me, his crooked grin firmly in place. "We've got all weekend, Buttercup. I promise tonight will be worth the wait."

"Oh, I know it will," he said, grinning at me before his smile faded. "Stop calling me Buttercup." I laughed and took a few bites of pancake, letting my mind wander as I watched him eat. Then I thought about him in the shower and promptly broke out into a sweat.

"So, Edward…did you?"

"Did I what?" he asked, smirking at me like he knew exactly what I was referring to.

"You know what I mean!" I insisted, pointing at him with my fork.

"No, Bella, I have no idea what you're talking about. Why don't you remind me?"

I squirmed in my seat at the heated gaze he was directing my way. I thought about giving up, but the thought of Edward in the shower…uh, _taking care of business_, as it were, was…_holy fuck_.

"Were you _thinking_ about me in the shower?" I asked through gritted teeth. God, he knew how to push my buttons.

_**Oh, yes he does, Bella. He should have a Ph.D in button pushing…**_

"Hmm," he mused. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He smiled like the fucking Cheshire cat. I huffed and shoved more pancakes in my mouth, rolling my eyes at him.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"You'll never know," he responded in that fuck-me-now voice.

I was thoroughly screwed. I had no idea how I'd get through the day without jumping him in public.

***

We finally made it out of his loft, but not before he cornered me in the bedroom while I was dressing in some spare clothes I kept at his place. Yes, we were at _that_ stage. The girls were ready to call up the moving vans and deposit all my shit here with Edward (and, to be honest, that thought didn't scare me nearly as much as it _should _have). But I did have a few of my favorite snarky tees (today I was going with the Comma Sutra, simply to provoke Edward all day) and comfortable jeans, along with a lacy bra and panties I'd bought on a whim just to torture him. There would be no granny panties today.

He sauntered into the room to grab his shoes just as I finished dressing. Noticing the footwear he'd chosen, I smiled. I loved it when he wore flip-flops. Feet grossed me out, and I certainly didn't want to touch them, but there was just something about seeing him dressed so casually that really turned me on. Maybe it was the idea of easy access? _Yeah, that's definitely it_. He could just kick off those sandals and unbutton those jeans and…_STOP, Bella_!

I watched him as he gathered whatever things were necessary for men when they were leaving for the day – some of which _always_ ended up in my bag – fantasizing about what I was positive he'd done in the shower. He noticed my spaced-out gaze and my lower lip clamped between my teeth and advanced on me. Instinctively, I backed up until my knees hit the mattress and I sat down nonchalantly, pretending to rearrange the contents of my bag.

"Nice shirt," he chuckled, his eyes gleaming intensely as he stared blatantly at my chest. "How can I not have seen that one before? Is it new?"

"Thanks. It cracks me up, even if most people's first reaction is 'What the fuck?' And yes, Angela just gave it to me this week. She saw it when she was shopping and said it screamed 'Bella.'"

"I'm not sure I like the idea of men staring at your chest trying to figure out your cryptic grammar-phile puzzles," he said, his brow furrowing. "But it does fit you _very _well…both in figure and in personality." My favorite gleam appeared in his eyes as one corner of his mouth curved up just the tiniest bit.

"Well, then you can spend all afternoon glaring at everyone and acting like a caveman," I quipped, tensing as he came closer. "I might even let you put your hand in my back pocket, just like a possessive teenage boy!" My grin was wide and teasing in answer to the stern face he was trying to put on – very badly, I might add.

"Hmm…spending my birthday manhandling my woman to mark my territory," he mused. "Not bad." He sat down next to me, his thigh completely plastered to mine as he leaned in to whisper, "But I have a better birthday wish…want me to tell you about it?" His smooth yet rumbling voice sent shocks of electricity racing through me.

"Why don't you make your wish when we blow out your candles tonight… that is, if all those candles don't set the building on fire," I snuck in, biting back a smirk.

He grunted in a sexy way – something only Edward Cullen could pull off – and pushed me flat onto my back, setting my bag to the side before he leaned over me, planting one hand next to my head. I instinctively reached up to grasp his wrist, but it wasn't to pull him away. I needed an anchor.

"You've got such a mouth on you," he murmured, his lips hovering millimeters over mine. "So many uses…" Warm lips covered mine in a short but explicit kiss before he smoothed his lips to my ear. "This birthday wish involves three orgasms, no clothing, and fifteen minutes." His tone had taken on that warm, honey and spice rumble that worked on the girls like a fucking charm. They were busily tossing rose petals all over the place and setting their stopwatches for fifteen minutes.

He was like a snake charmer – leveling his 'tractor beam' on me and bringing the girls out in full force.

The analogy was not lost on me. While a snake charmer was able to lull his cobras into complacency, they were still fucking _cobras_. They could kill you at any time. The girls were no different, only they would kill me with embarrassment.

_**But Bella, we only want to do what we were born to do! How could you deny us our dream, our life's work? It is our duty to make sure your chromosomes do the crossing over dance with his! And we need our Precious to make a donation!**_

_What is with them today? Have they been reading Edward's medical journals while we sleep?_

I finally recovered my ability to speak. "Fifteen minutes, huh?"

"Mmm-hmm," he breathed against my neck, where he was busily torturing me further with those lips, that tongue, and soft scrapes of teeth. Insinuating his knee between mine, he shifted closer, lowering himself onto his elbow and freeing his hand to tangle in my hair.

"Kind of ambitious, don't you think?" I wheezed, as he nipped at the sensitive juncture of my neck and shoulder. He chuckled as he drew his nose back up my throat and over my jaw to hover over my mouth.

"I can back it up right now if you like." His breath was warm and smelled of mint and something that was innately _him_. My lips tingled in response to the faint currents of air as he spoke, his words like slight touches that made my skin prickle with awareness. He was the Devil. I could hear Kathy Bates in my head, in full character as Mama Boucher from _The Waterboy_. "_Dat Edward Cullen is the _devil_, Bella! You stay away from boys like that."_

Thank God for my ability to remember random movie lines at any time. The image of Kathy Bates was enough to knock the Edward haze out of my brain.

"You can back it up later tonight," I promised, my voice only half-squeaking. "We're going to act like kids and go to the zoo and _have fun_! We'll eat ridiculously priced, artery-clogging food and see some wild animals. And I'm going to give you your first present…" I trailed off, hoping to pique his interest.

"Present? At the zoo?" He sounded skeptical, but I could tell he was hiding his enjoyment just to needle me. I nodded and pushed at his chest; he rolled off me easily and sprang to his feet, pulling me with him. "Okay, I'm hooked," he said with a smile, "but on one condition – you have to promise to let me pull you into lots of secluded corners to kiss you senseless."

My mouth went dry at the thought and I nodded mutely. This was going to be one hell of a day.

After grabbing my camera, I tucked it into my messenger bag and slung the strap over my shoulder as we headed toward the elevator. The doors had barely closed before he herded me into the corner, bracing his hands on either side of my head as he went in for the kill.

"Secluded corner number one," he whispered. The kiss started out hard and demanding, but by the time we arrived on the ground floor, it had slowed to lush brushes of lips and tongue. His hands had migrated down over my shoulders and arms to rest at my hips, his fingers digging into the sliver of bare skin between my jeans and shirt. The girls were screaming at me to push the button for Edward's floor and forget about the fucking zoo.

As soon as I began to reach for the button, Edward pulled away, grabbing one of my hands and dragging me out of the elevator. _Oh, he is _good_. He thinks he's going to beat me at my own game_.

_He just might be able to. We'll be lucky if we aren't arrested for lewd and lascivious acts before the day is over._

***

We stopped at my apartment on the way, so I could pick up Edward's first present. He was pissed when I wouldn't let him go up with me, but I was on to his tricks. If we went up there together, we wouldn't be leaving for quite a while. I could resist him as long as we were in public or a moving car. While I was up there, I set out most of the ingredients for his brownies, just so they'd be ready when we got back.

The sunny morning quickly deteriorated on our drive to the zoo. I could feel the humidity even inside the air-conditioned haven of Edward's car, my hair puffing up into a halo of frizz before my very eyes.

"What happened to the sun?" I mumbled grouchily, pissed off that nature was raining on Edward's birthday parade.

"We live in Seattle, Bella. I remember _someone_ telling me it rains more often than not," he answered, smirking at me as he pulled into the fairly empty parking lot. "Too bad that shirt isn't white." He was staring at my boobs again.

The girls got jealous and started crafting a heinous plan to humiliate my tits, straight out of _Carrie_, complete with pig blood and tampon-throwing.

_I really hope I don't have to commit myself to some sort of institution… I wonder if they'd allow conjugal visits…_

Edward smirked at me and popped the trunk before getting out. I knew it irked him when I didn't wait for him to let me out of the car, so I came around to meet him, frizzy hair be damned. I had an elastic tie around my wrist to restrain my unruly hair if necessary.

"I was going to come around and get you," he grumbled, but the grouchiness in his tone was mitigated by the sweet smile curving one side of his lips.

"I know, but I wanted to see what else my soccer mom has hidden away in his trunk," I said, trying valiantly to keep a straight face. He sighed as he dug deeper into the trunk, mumbling something I couldn't understand. "What was that, Buttercup?"

He jerked up quickly, banging his head on the lid of the trunk. "Fuck!" he shouted, dropping whatever he'd retrieved from the depths of the trunk and grabbing the back of his head with both hands. "Ow," he winced.

"Oh my god, Edward, I'm sorry! Are you okay?" I stood up on tiptoe to clutch at his hands, trying to see the damage. He bent at the knees, turning to sit on the bumper of his car, letting me move his hands; I didn't see any blood, but there was a nice bump beginning to form. "Well, you're not bleeding," I said sheepishly. "This is weird, huh? You getting hurt and me checking you out?" I brushed his hair back into place (which was silly, because it was never organized – I just wanted an extra excuse to touch it) and let my fingertips rest on his shoulders.

"You need to kiss it better," he said teasingly. I grinned and bent forward, but he moved at the last second and our lips collided. A few minutes later, he pulled away, leaving me dazed and blinking rapidly as my eyes finally regained their ability to focus. "That's much better," he said, and the snake-oil salesman was back with his smug grin. "It doesn't even hurt anymore." I stared at him, trying to keep the smile off my face, because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. He stood carefully, avoiding the trunk lid, the nature of the movement placing him centimeters away from me.

"That wasn't a secluded corner," I accused, but there was no real anger in my voice. Scanning the parking lot quickly, I was relieved to discover that there were no mothers or young children glaring at me, ready to call me a shameless hussy.

_**That term is reserved for the She-Beast, Bella. But really, who could blame you for trying to obtain genetic material from this fine specimen of man?**_

_What the hell? Their personality shifts are giving me whiplash. How is it possible for them to go from Beavis and Butthead to genetic specialists all in the span of one day?_

Edward grabbed whatever he'd been searching for out of the trunk, handing me a light, water-repellent hooded jacket. Made of basic black, breathable fabric, it would be perfect for the misty weather currently ruining my plans.

"You liked it," he chuckled, shoving his arms into his own jacket before straightening mine. Apparently, I'd put it on without even noticing. I looked down at myself, realizing the windbreaker fit me perfectly. I raised an eyebrow at him, before noticing that he had on the exact same jacket, only in his size.

"Please tell me you didn't buy us matching coats," I pleaded, hoping I was hallucinating or dreaming. Either was better than the alternative: that we were going to be one of _those_ couples.

"Why?" he asked, puzzled. "You never know when you'll need some rain gear, and it was simple to just pick out the same one in different sizes." God, he was so… rational. And _so_ OCD.

"God, you are _such _a soccer mom. If I didn't know better," I muttered, not finishing the thought. It wouldn't do to wound his fragile male ego on his birthday.

He scowled good-naturedly at me as he slammed the trunk shut and took my hand. "Stop calling me a soccer mom," he sniped, bumping me gently with his shoulder as we walked. "And what was that last sentence? I didn't quite catch it. Something about 'if you didn't know better?'"

I refused to tell him all the way to the entrance, while we were paying, and through the first two exhibits we passed. He kept badgering me, setting the 'tractor beam' to full power and using every damn dazzling smile or glance he had in his well-equipped arsenal of tools that turned me into a sex-obsessed zombie.

We were headed to the reptile exhibit when he pulled me close to his side and placed his mouth at my ear. "Tell me…you know you want to. I might have to embarrass you if you don't." His voice was low and gravelly, threatening in that way that made the girls perk up and set my skin buzzing. He guided me up the steps to the reptile house, but quickly redirected me to a small area between a column and the outer brick wall, caging me in. One of his hands drifted down over my hip, while the other slid up to rest against the side of my neck, his thumb urging my chin upward. Warm breath hit my lips a split second before his mouth pressed against mine, just hard enough to make me long for a deeper kiss before he retreated.

"I meant if I wasn't…ah, intimately acquainted with your very masculine anatomy, I might start to think you were a woman," I blurted, wincing as I said the last few words.

_Way to emasculate your man there, Bella. Nice one. You're such a keeper_, my inner bitch griped.

He laughed, dropping his forehead to mine and hugging me tightly. "Please, Bella, stop it with the big words…you're driving me insane."

"In a good way?" I asked, my lips twitching. He _really_ liked it when I used big words. Scientific words especially.

"God, such a good way," he whispered, staring me down. "But you've really got to stop calling me a soccer mom." He furrowed his brows at me and tried to look stern. "And Buttercup. What happened to Sex Hair? I like that one."

"Come on, Edward, wipe that sand out of your vagina and suck it up," I taunted, laughing. The look on his face was priceless. He was actually speechless! My inner bitch high-fived Devil Bella, while Angel Bella looked on in disapproval as I turned to enter the building.

"Oh, you'll pay for that comment," he said in a low voice, tugging me back so I was pressed against his side. I grinned.

I heard children giggling and jerked my head over to see a group of snot-nosed kids pointing at us. I scowled, growling at them, and they ran inside. Edward looked at me strangely, his expression caught somewhere between confusion and laughter. I directed a brilliant smile his way and grabbed his hand, towing him to the entrance.

I never should have provoked Edward's inner caveman while walking through a building filled with more snakes than Forks had people. Throughout the tour, Edward would whisper in my ear about Freud's dream theories and how dreaming of snakes was equated to dreaming about penises according to his versions of dream interpretation. I took one look at the Burmese Python and then at Edward, blushing furiously at the look on his face as he watched me. If his eyes could melt off clothing, I'd be completely naked and likely missing a top layer of skin.

_**We want Edward's python! We want the Python Precious!**_ The girls chimed in. I glanced back at the giant snake, which likely outweighed me by a good fifty pounds. I cleared my throat uncomfortably and quickly walked to the next section.

It was more humid in this building than outside, if that was even possible. It was also about twenty degrees hotter, which made my new windbreaker even more uncomfortable, so I shucked it off. After tucking it between the strap of my messenger bag and my hip, I gathered my hair up off my neck, using the hair band I knew I'd need to control the poodle-puff that was waiting to happen on my head.

"I know reptiles can't control their own body temperature, but does it have to be so damn hot in here?" I complained, seriously considering getting out that water gun and spraying myself.

"I thought you liked the heat, Arizona girl," Edward teased, wrapping an arm around my waist as we walked the circuit of exhibits. His hand dropped lower, resting at my hip. My inner bitch scoffed at the somewhat possessive gesture, but the girls loved it.

_God help me, but I agree with the girls – yet again. _

"I do, but in Phoenix, it's a dry heat," I deadpanned, using the term those tourism boards used to lure poor, unsuspecting Midwesterners to the desert in the middle of August.

"Oh, I see," he laughed, "You're a weakling that can't take the humidity."

"Hush." I reached up to flick his ear, hard, but the bastard grabbed my hand before I could accomplish my task.

"Now, now, Bella, we really need to do something about your violent tendencies."

"They're not 'violent tendencies,'" I argued. "It's called negative reinforcement." I lost the battle with my facial muscles and finally smiled at him, hating it because he was already smirking at me.

"I much prefer positive reinforcement," he said in a low whisper, slowly moving his thumb back and forth underneath the hem of my shirt, causing me to break out in goose bumps in the middle of the ninety degree room.

_Good God…he has magical powers_. Only Edward Cullen could give a woman chills of pleasure while walking amongst hundreds of reptiles in a sauna-like room. _Okay, Bella…need to stop it with this inner dialogue…it's starting to sound like an old episode of that weird show,_ V – _with the creepy lizard people disguised as humans._

_**Of course he has magical powers… The Precious is like the Excalibur of peens**_, the girls sighed.

_Please, someone, tell me why there's a freak show inside my head!_

I shook my head and laughed, leaning my head against his shoulder.

"Ahh, there we go," he chuckled.

"What?"

"The positive reinforcement worked," he said arrogantly. I snorted, stopping in front of the last exhibit, a group of small lizards that were lying there like lumps. Is that all they did? Lie there and soak up the heat lamp while waiting to be fed?

_Hmmm…could be a nice life… _

Then I read the placket next to the glass. "Look, Edward… there are no males! It says here they reproduce by parthenogenesis… no need for males to fertilize the eggs!" I laughed and gestured to the calm lizards, giggling, "It's a utopian society – no fights, no territory disputes –"

"No sex," he calmly interjected, tucking his thumb beneath the waistband of my jeans and spreading his fingers wide, barely touching my butt.

"Oh," I said stupidly. "Well." I swallowed uncomfortably as the girls clutched their hands to their chests, suddenly turning into turn-of-the-century Southern belles and complained of having "the vapors" at the notion of no sex.

I had to admit, when I thought about it that way, parthenogenesis was fucking ridiculous.

Then again, they _were_ lizards. They had no Precious.

"If you're done with the lady-lizards, I'm done teasing you with debunked Freudian theories," Edward joked, leading me to the exit as I nodded my assent, still pondering the insane workings of my mind. I was relieved to see the drizzle had stopped for the moment.

"What would you like to see next?" I asked, wanting to give him the choice because it was his day.

"I picked the reptiles, why don't you pick the next one?" he offered. I was about to protest when I heard Edward's name being called behind me.

"Dr. Cullen! I thought that was you." I turned around to see a tall, blond man with an infant and a young boy walking up to us.

"Garrett, it's nice to see you," Edward said, smiling and sticking out his hand. The man, Garrett, shook his hand awkwardly, as he was balancing the baby in one arm while trying to hold on to two giraffe-shaped helium balloons. "How many times do I have to ask you to call me Edward?"

"Sorry," Garrett said, shrugging. "Habit." I smiled at all three of them, wondering how Edward knew them. When the other man looked at me curiously, I stuck out my hand.

"Bella. The bane of Edward's existence," I joked as I shook Garrett's hand.

"If you only knew," Edward whispered theatrically before laughing. "Bella's my girlfriend," he qualified, meeting my eyes with that warm glimmer that never failed to heat me from the inside. 'Girlfriend' was such a common term, but coming from Edward, combined with the look in his eyes, made me think that it meant so much more. It was almost as if he resented calling me his girlfriend, like the simple word didn't give enough reverence to our connection. Before I could ponder that alarming realization, the boy began tugging on his father's pant leg.

"When can we see the elephants, Daddy? Mommy said she wanted a picture of the elephants," he insisted.

"Soon, Alec. They're the next stop, I promise," he answered patiently. "It's very nice to meet you, Bella. These are my kids, Alec and Bree."

"Hi, Alec." I waved and grinned at him, earning a shy smile before he hid himself behind his dad's legs again. Bree warbled in that sometimes cute way babies did, smiling a grin studded with a few teeth as she bounced in Garrett's arms. I had no idea what to do around babies, so I made what I hoped was a funny face at her and was pleased to get a giggle. "Hello there, Bree." I turned back to Edward, grinning because the baby didn't scream at my pathetically inept attempt to entertain the children.

He was watching me with a small smile on his face, but his eyes were burning with something intense, something I'd never noticed before. It was almost like another version of the needful, wanting gaze I sometimes caught when he didn't realize I was watching him.

_**Tick, tock…tick, tock…tick, tock…**_ the girls sang. _Oh, shit, they're breaking me!_ I saw a flash of myself holding a little baby with dark green eyes and soft tufts of dark hair shining with hints of Edward's unusual bronze glimmer. My eyes widened as my heart raced, and I fought not to show any outward signs of my mini-panic.

_Calm down, Bella. Remember the _Tell-Tale Heart_, from Edgar Allan Poe's story? Didn't the guilty guy hear the beating heart under the floor in the form of a clock ticking? It doesn't have to be a biological clock!_

_Oh, and a beating heart in the floorboards is so much better??_

I wasn't even sure about the crap my brain was spewing at me. The girls were fucking up my literature knowledge.

_**Good, Bella. The only books we want you reading are **_**The Joy of Sex**_** and the **_**Kama Sutra**_**.**_

Thank goodness my freak out was halted by Alec. "Dr. Cullen? Is my mommy going to have to go back and visit you?" he asked in an apprehensive voice.

"My wife, Kate, is one of Edward's patients. She had a bone marrow transplant two months ago," Garrett explained. "She's still not up to getting out much, especially in situations where she could easily catch an infection."

Edward knelt down to Alec's level and patted him on the shoulder. "Only for short visits, buddy. We think she's going to get to stay home for good this time," he said, his voice soothing. Alec gave him a small smile and nodded before tugging on his father's pants again, reminding him about the elephants.

"Well, we don't want to keep you any longer," Edward said wryly. "I know how it is with the impatient ones." I scowled when I noticed he was pointing at me.

"It was very nice to meet you all," I said, waving goodbye to Alec and making one more face at Bree, who promptly scrunched up her face and burst into tears. _Well, that was major fail_. Devil Bella was poking me with her pitchfork in an effort to spur me out of there, and Angel Bella was encouraging her.

I must have missed the rest of the goodbyes, because suddenly Edward was laughing in my ear as we walked away.

"They terrify you, don't they?" he asked, weaving his fingers through mine as we walked. I snuck a look at him through my lashes, absorbing the soft light in his eyes and his easygoing smile.

"Kind of," I admitted. "What about you?"

He eyed me speculatively, as if he were carefully measuring his words. "Sometimes…but I think it would be different if they were my own children," he answered, his voice soft and almost wistful.

_**We're perfectly willing to test that theory out, you know!**_

"Oh," I breathed, my neck and face heating under his gaze.

"Yeah… 'Oh.'" He stopped walking and kissed me gently, saying nothing more on the subject.

_Did he mean me? He might want kids with me?_

_**YES! YES! Let's get to the baby making ASAP! **_

_Hell, no, girls! I'm not ready! I can barely take care of myself!_

And I really didn't want to share Edward with anyone, even a baby we made together… at least not for a long, long time.

"Are you okay?" he asked, pressing one final kiss to my lips.

"What? Oh, yes. Sorry, I'm just having a bit of a 'tractor beam' hangover." Must. Make. Jokes. "You can't expect me to think rationally when you kiss me." I pinched him on the side before we continued on, making the rounds through the zoo, taking silly pictures and generally acting like teenage delinquents. We, meaning _Edward_, fell for the expensive picture scam to get our picture taken with a few animals. It was straight out of Wild Kingdom. A scarlet macaw sat on my shoulder while Edward stood next to me; a cockatoo perched atop his crowning glory. He looked a little worried, and I couldn't blame him – if he was thinking along the same lines as me, he was likely afraid the bird was going to poop on him. I figured with my luck, one of us wouldn't get out of this without some type of animal excrement incident.

I almost drew the line when they brought me an iguana, placing it awkwardly on my bent forearm, but he seemed calm and slow. _As long as I don't move, he can't see me. That's the way it was in_ Jurassic Park, _right?_

Edward's arm was around my waist, holding me against his side, and as ridiculous this picture was sure to look, I knew it would be one I'd keep forever. It illustrated just how crazy we really were.

"Okay, you two, hold still, smile and say 'cheese!'" the photographer instructed.

"Cheese," Edward shouted, grinning.

"Edward," I said at the same time, just as the flashbulbs temporarily blinded me.

"Hey," he protested, laughing as the attendants came up to remove the animals.

"What?" Butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. "You're cheesy. I like to improvise. I couldn't help it."

We laughed at each other as we inspected one another for any bird or iguana droppings. Right about the time we pronounced ourselves poo-free, the photographer came up with a copy of the photo in a cardboard folder. We paid the man and went to wash our hands (and my arms) before taking a look. We both were afraid to see the carnage. Finding an empty bench, we sat down and Edward wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I flipped open the cardboard.

We both cracked up at the sight before us. How we managed to look wary of the animals while smiling, I had no idea, but the result was hilarious. I was leaning away from the iguana and macaw, angling my head toward Edward. He was trying to lean away from the cockatoo, which was impossible since it was literally sitting on his head.

But we were smiling at each other, not the camera. It was one of the most awkward-looking, yet sweetest pictures I'd ever seen.

"That's our Christmas card, right there," he laughed, leaning into me and kissing me on the temple.

Our _Christmas card? Did I hear that correctly?_

Oh, God. I wanted it to happen.

_**Yes!! He wants to have personalized Christmas cards,**_ the girls yelled. _**We're gonna make some babies, we're gonna make some babies,**_ they sang.

How could they relate nearly everything to making babies? It was like they were playing the weirdest version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon _ever_.

Edward apparently didn't notice what he'd said, or didn't care that his words had thrown me for a loop. We eventually moved away from the bench and wandered along the paths, and I quickly found myself thinking only about how much fun we were having. He took every opportunity he had to tease me, both poking fun at me and torturing me with his lips in other, more delicious ways. We got several scowls from disapproving parents before we finally found ourselves in front of the ape exhibit.

"Oh, let's go see the monkeys! Maybe we'll meet some of Emmett's long-lost relatives," I said, grabbing his hand and taking off for the large enclosure as he laughed. "It's time for your first present, Tarzan. Care to take any guesses?" Patting my messenger bag, I winked and sauntered through the glass doors, leaving him smirking after me.

* * *

_A/N:_

_So…I apologize for the two month wait. If you don't know already, I posted my SSA Auction piece, which is Edward's POV of the last two chapters. Check them out if you want. I've also entered my Darkward in the In the Dark Contest. The title is Memory in Blood, if you haven't read it, and you can find the link on my profile. Please go and vote for your favorite entries (until Nov. 13__th__) here:_

_http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2003775/Darkward_In_The_Dark_

_Another reminder: The Darkward Vampfic contest voting ends at 11:59 PST on Friday, Nov 13__th__. Vote for your favorite Dark Vampward here:_

_http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/~darkward_

_To all the readers: thank you for sticking with me on this fic. I'm honored that you're still reading. I appreciate each and every comment, and they make me feel better than you could ever believe. The next chapter is halfway written, and I hope to have it out soon._

_Okay…end ridiculously long author's note, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!_


	23. Chapter 23: Edwina and Biff

_I don't own _Twilight_ or any of the other movies I reference, a list that includes (but is not limited to) _Star Wars, Back to the Future_, or anything directed by Mel Brooks._

_Wow, an update in less than a month? _

_Thank you to my wifey and beta, EchoesOfTwilight, for being just about the best encourager/enabler around. _

_To my Legion of Doom girls: thanks for keeping my mind off the fact that my dream home has turned into a frat house._

* * *

_**Chapter 23: Edwina and Biff**_

I felt Edward directly behind me as I stepped into the glass-lined hallway that wound through the primate house. I pretended not to be affected by the hot hand encasing mine and the burning stare that heated my cheeks. Stopping in front of the chimpanzees, I nearly pressed my nose to the glass as I grinned and watched them play. They swung from the trees and climbed cargo nets, engaging in mock fights and grooming one another.

"I always wanted a chimp when I was a kid," I said, unable to keep from waving excitedly at the animals, hoping they'd be curious enough to come closer to the glass. "I wanted to take him to school with me in his little diaper and teach him to become an art prodigy. Of course, that was during my "weird artist" phase… Let's just say I have a feeling a chimp's paintings would be better than mine," I laughed. "I was trying to be the next Picasso, when I should have been trying to imitate Jackson Pollack. Just splatter shit everywhere."

"I'm sure you weren't that bad," Edward chuckled, slyly reaching around my hip to dig in my bag. I caught him and playfully shoved him away, shaking my head.

"None of that," I warned. "And yes, I was. Even my poor mother couldn't muster the strength to lie about my non-talent."

I jumped when a hand slapped against the glass, turning back to see a chimp grinning toothily at me.

"Awesome," I whispered, waving at my new friend. It puffed up its cheeks, blowing a raspberry on the glass before hopping up and down. Unfortunately, the action drew attention to the fact that chimps at the zoo did _not_ wear diapers. And this one was most definitely male. Edward was laughing loudly at my stricken expression while I stood there, frozen, wishing that what had been seen could suddenly be unseen.

"I think he's courting you," Edward whispered, and I heard the damn smirk yet again.

"No way," I said, waving his comment away.

_**That's disgusting**_, the girls commented. _**Although we think this chimp would be a step up from Mike Newton…**_

"Way," he replied, moving closer to me and tugging me to his side. The chimp screamed so loud I could hear it through the partition and began running back and forth across the enclosure and scaring the other monkeys. Edward and I watched in amazement as we observed the chimp's jealous rage.

_I should_ _probably be worried that a freaking chimp thinks I'd make a suitable mate. _

_**Oh hell, no, Bella!**_ Of course, the girls had to chime in again. I thought I heard them making plans regarding monkey paw myths, five wishes, and the Chinese black market.

We both jumped back as the chimp came rushing up to the glass again, startled by the loud splat of…something hitting the glass. Right where Edward's face had been, was a glob of…monkey poop?

I began cackling uncontrollably, never one to let any kind of toilet humor go ignored.

"He threw poop at you!" I wheezed out between bouts of obnoxious laughter.

"I believe he did," Edward said in amusement, before directing a mischievous look my way, raising his brows. "And who are you? Old Man Clemens?" he deadpanned. "You called the shit 'poop!'"

I laughed harder, loving this man more than I had before, which had been a whole freaking lot. He led us away to a little alcove with a bench and a fake tree, the walls covered with information about the great apes and human evolution. He tugged me down into his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. I easily settled into his chest, our bodies fitting together like the proverbial jigsaw puzzle. It was appropriate, really, considering the jumbled pieces of our lives that had seemed to suddenly organize themselves from the moment we'd met.

"Now, about that present," he prompted, looking at me expectantly. I sighed and rolled my eyes, pretending to look resentful as I dug through my bag.

"One-track mind," I muttered with a grin as I handed him the small box wrapped in black paper with yellow biohazard symbols all over it.

The look he directed at me was smoldering. "I do have a one-track mind, but presents would not be the focus." He shifted subtly under me, giving me a good idea of what he was referring to.

"Stop that! You could get arrested for walking around the zoo with that thing!" I teased. "Open it."

"Nice paper. Should I be afraid?" Curving his lips into my favorite crooked grin, he tore into the paper and lifted the lid off the box. His brows drew together in confusion as he stared at the contents. "You gave me…burlap?"

"No, silly," I laughed, pulling the scrap of rough weave out of the box and holding it up. He still looked at me strangely, shaking his head as I watched him expectantly. "It's a loincloth," I explained with a wink.

"You gave me a _burlap loincloth_ for my birthday?" His lips twitched as he said it, his voice shaking with laughter. I tossed the "garment" back into the tiny box and leaned in close.

"You Tarzan, me Jane," I whispered, letting my lips graze his ear. I smiled at the near-whimper that emerged from his throat.

"But it's burlap," he complained, sounding hoarse and tense.

I placed a kiss right below his ear and went in for the kill. "I do remember promising that you wouldn't be wearing it long enough for that to bother you."

***

After that comment, Edward nearly towed me out to the parking lot. I didn't mind that he'd had enough; it was time to leave anyway if we were going to have time to do everything I had planned for this evening. The misty drizzle had begun once again; it was quite muggy, the increased temperature causing my clothes to cling to me in a yucky combination of rain and the beginnings of sweat. The pace Edward set wasn't helping matters in that department either.

"What's your hurry?" I hoped my heavy breathing due to his fast pace adequately covered the snicker that escaped with the words. Never slowing, he looked at me with one eyebrow raised, his lips barely lifted at one corner. I heard a low, rumbling noise and I immediately turned my head back toward the zoo, thinking one of the lions had escaped and was coming to wreak havoc and eat people in the parking lot before I realized the sound had come from right next to me.

"Did you just _growl _at me?" I asked, my mouth hanging open. "You're really taking this caveman thing seriously, aren't you? You know, it's kind of hot."

"Keep it up, Bella," he said, the humor evident in his voice. "You're damn hilarious."

"Tell me something I don't know." I smiled at his snort of amusement and hurried my steps, because the man was about to pull my arm off at the shoulder. "Growl at me again," I taunted as I caught up, practically running to keep up with him. "Hey, wait – don't growl, do the Tarzan yell," I laughed, right before I ran into him as he stopped short. Fearing I'd finally gone too far, I looked up in panic as he turned to face me, babbling an apology before continuing with my nervous word vomit. "Never mind. You don't have to yell like Tarzan; I'll do it."

Squeezing my eyes shut and drawing a deep breath, I prepared to publicly humiliate myself in what was sure to be the worst attempt at the Tarzan yell in recent history. But instead of warbling like an injured beagle, I only got out one squeak before warm lips covered mine – hard. I froze in surprise, only relaxing when his lips gentled and he drew me closer with the hand that still held my wrist. His other hand came up to my face, lightly tracing my jaw with his fingertips before sliding them into my hair. The kiss became even softer, slower, almost reverent in its gentleness. Loosening his hold on my wrist, he slid his hand lower to lace our fingers together.

I placed my free hand flat against his sternum, taking a moment to feel his pounding heart rate and let the heat of his body seep into my palm. He let out a short, desperate moan before pulling my face closer to his with the hand that was knotted in my hair. I parted my lips, eager to deepen the contact, completely forgetting everything but the heat of our bodies pressed together, the feel of his lips as they moved over mine, and the hot rushes of his breath as they hit my cheek.

The rain was coming down faster, larger drops sliding from the ends of Edward's messy hair onto my face. I moved my hand from his chest up to the nape of his neck, curling my fingers in the wet strands. I could taste the cool bite of rain when I smoothed my tongue across his upper lip and I hummed at the contrast of hot and cold; the polar opposite flavors of fresh, crisp rain and the complex taste of Edward himself overwhelming me.

He pulled back as suddenly as he'd started and I looked up, a little confused and a lot disappointed.

_**Why did he stop, Bella? **_

"Why did you stop?" I asked hoarsely, still breathing heavily from the kiss and the fast walk out of the zoo. _Shit. I just repeated what the girls said! I've officially become their puppet!_

_**Obey your master!**_

_**Master!**_

_**Master of puppets, we're pulling your strings…**_

_They're singing Metallica? What the fuck? I don't even _like_ Metallica!_

Edward was speaking, so I tried to shake away the cobwebs and pretend that I actually had a brain.

"I had to stop because if I'd kissed you for one second longer, I might have done something that would get us thrown in jail and likely branded as sex offenders, considering the amount of children in the vicinity."

_**But we were so close to the Precious**_, the girls whined.

_Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, you little whiners._

Oblivious to my inner battle, he continued. "Besides, it's raining harder and we're at the car." He was smiling in my favorite way, sweet and crooked and completely lickable. I realized I was still just staring at him, surely glassy-eyed and dazed-looking.

"Oh," I said stupidly, letting him lead me to the passenger side. I paused before sitting down, looking at him questioningly. "Do I need to sit on a towel?" I was beginning to recover my wits, so I added, "I'm sure my soccer mom remembered to put fresh towels in the trunk, right?"

"Shit."

I laughed out loud at his obvious consternation. "I could always strip and ride back in my underwear. The windows are tinted, you know."

"Bella, just sit. No more talk of stripping. I can't take it and we have a good twenty-five minute drive," he said before ensuring all my limbs were inside and closing the door.

It was a strained ride, to put it mildly. I was surprised we didn't die in a fiery car crash, because every time I glanced at him, he was staring me down like he was John Candy and I was the Old Ninety-sixer (before he found out he had to eat _everything_ – including the fat and gristle). The windows began to fog up and the temperature climbed at least ten degrees inside the car. Thankful for Edward's sensible yet yuppie-worthy car choice, I took advantage of the passenger-side climate control and cranked up the A/C.

Any questions I asked were answered with short sentences or terse, one-word answers, and I almost began to wonder if he was mad at me. Then I glanced at the tent that was trying to pitch itself in his pants and realized that he wasn't pissed, he was _frustrated_.

_**Heh heh. Sexually frustrated…**_

_Welcome back, Beavis and Butthead. I should have known you were running the show when you started singing Metallica._

They held up their little hands in the rock sign and started to act like they were in a freaking headbanging contest. I pressed a hand to my belly in panic, hoping they would calm down soon.

"Are you all right, Bella?" Edward asked, his brow furrowing slightly.

_Oh, Edward, I'm fine, it's only my headbanging ovaries… Shit, I need to come up with something, fast!_

I shot him what I hoped was a convincing grin as my poor brain scrambled to come up with an excuse that wouldn't label me as a lunatic.

"I'm fine…that corndog I ate in the zoo cafeteria isn't agreeing with me."

_**Great. Now he thinks you have diarrhea!**_

_It's better than him knowing the truth! _

He chuckled before replying, "I should know better than to ask." He shook his head, taking the exit that would lead to his apartment.

"I just have a bit of a sour stomach," I hedged, hoping that would be the end of the discussion. "Hey – we're supposed to be going to my place. I need to get those brownies in the oven and get ready for dinner tonight."

"I need some new clothes," he said, gesturing to his wet attire with a half-grin.

"Really? I see nothing wrong with them," I returned, raking my eyes over the wet cotton and denim that clung to his body. We were stopped at a light and he met my stare with one of his own. The tractor beam was over-capacity, and the girls were banding together to play that strength test carnival game – the one where you used a sledgehammer to ring the damn bell.

_**Ding!**_

I couldn't help the heat that flooded my cheeks, so I stared out the window, trying to hide my goofy smile.

"Well, there is certainly nothing wrong with _your_ clothing, but I have a feeling you might be a little less…cold with dry clothes," he drawled. I gasped in mock offense, looking over to find his eyes focused exactly where I expected them to be.

The girls growled, once again very unhappy with the attention my boobs were getting. I crossed my arms underneath them as I fake-pouted, staring straight ahead, knowing all the while that the movement only made my chest more prominent.

"Goddamn sex fairy magic," he muttered as the light turned green. Of course, he floored it, likely leaving layers of rubber on the pavement as we lurched forward.

"Whoa there, McFly! Last I checked, there isn't a flux-capacitor in this thing," I teased, frowning and pretending to look for one in the backseat.

"It's in the trunk," he said with a straight face. So sneaky, that one…and fuck if I didn't love him for it. "I'm curious: if I'm Marty McFly, who does that make you? Doc? Biff?"

I huffed out an incredulous laugh while I tried to formulate a proper response. _That smug jerk. I'll show him…he knows better than to re-snark the snarker. _

_What the _hell_ did I just think? Re-snark the snarker?! The only legitimate word in that sentence is 'the!'_

"What? No smart little comment?" he teased as we turned into the parking garage.

I scowled at him, narrowing my eyes. "Oh, I have plenty; I'm just trying to decide on the best one." He laughed out loud as he pulled into his assigned spot.

"For your sake, I would hope I'm neither Doc nor Biff. Because that would make you gay," I snapped, trying not to smile. I flipped him off before I hopped out of the car, finally allowing my grin to break through when I heard a satisfying squish from the leather seats and saw the near-anguish on Edward's face in response.

"You're definitely Biff. You're a big bully," he said, coming over to take my hand as we walked to the elevator. "I think that will be your new nickname, since you insist on calling me Soccer Mom or Buttercup." I tried to elbow him and missed before swinging my bag at him and hitting him in the gut. He grunted and restrained me, wrapping both arms around me and picking me up, my back to his chest. I put up a halfhearted struggle as he stepped into the elevator, but I was pretty sure I ruined it by laughing.

"Easy now, Biff," he chuckled before setting me on my feet, but keeping his arms around me. I leaned back against him, enjoying our sparring.

"Shut up, Edwina."

He snorted in my ear, but I didn't mind.

"Edwina and Biff," I mused. "Not bad."

"You are something else, you know that?" he asked with a bewildered laugh.

"Yes," I answered as I pulled him out of the elevator. Turning my head to look back at him, I smiled smugly, not saying anything else. He gave a little roll of his eyes as we started off down the hall. When we approached his door, he spun me to face him as he got out his keys, pressing me against the wood as he unlocked the deadbolt.

He didn't move back when the tumbler clicked, releasing the lock.

"I don't know what I have to do to get you to quit insinuating I'm either gay or female," he sighed, letting his shoulders drop pathetically. I drew in a huge breath to respond, my mouth dropping wide open as my sucker ass fell for his sad act. He saved me from myself by pressing his lower body to mine, illustrating that there was _nothing_ female about him.

_His hair _is_ really soft and shiny…and he smells good_, I thought to myself. _And those Goddamn eyelashes…_ But – sweet baby Jesus in Earth-friendly reusable diapers, he was _all_ man.

I was a fricking spineless lemming. I suddenly had a mental picture of the girls following Edward off a tall, chalk-white cliff. _One can hope…_

_I've been brainwashed by the Precious. If Edward told me to wear navy-blue sweats and white Nikes to wait for our mother-ship to fly in behind the Hale-Bopp Comet, I'd fucking do it. _

_Yeah. I'd drink the mother-effing Kool-Aid too._

"This has to be quick," I mumbled nervously. "We're on a schedule." Edward simply raised an eyebrow and leaned closer, bringing one hand up to the back of my neck, tracing his fingertips through my hairline. "In and out." _Shut up, Bella!_

"You do remember about my birthday wish, right?" God, he smelled so good, and he was so pretty and wet and… I nodded absently, unable to tear my eyes from his lips. "Fifteen minutes," he prompted before closing the minor distance, pressing his mouth to mine.

I whimpered, unable to keep my knees from buckling, grateful for his weight that held me against the door. It was a study in contrasts: our clothes were wet and clammy, but his lips were hot as they moved with mine. As our clothes slowly warmed between us, I shivered, not knowing if it was due to his kiss or the cold wood at my back. He licked at my lips teasingly, and I knew it wasn't the door. Unable to resist, I let him in, my hands clutching the wet cotton of his shirt just above his jeans.

A screeching yowl sounded behind Edward, causing me to jump and break our kiss. He laughed and dropped his head to my shoulder, the warm sound fading into a tiny groan of exasperation at the end. I peeked around his arm, knowing what I'd see.

_Tanya_. She stared at me and hissed before she started growling, fixing her Laser Cat stare on me, trying to burn a hole in my forehead.

"Let's go in," he said hoarsely, stepping back and making sure I was steady before he swung open the door. The Medusa whore-cat sprinted inside, her claws somehow making contact with my ankle on the way. I might have tried to kick her, but that was neither here nor there. Renesmee galloped over, pausing in front of Tanya and arching her back, her tail sticking straight up, freezing in that way only kittens do, before she pounced on the She-Beast's back.

"Get her, Renesmee!" I cheered, dropping my bag on the floor in the entryway. Tanya shook her off easily and sauntered over to her food bowl with another growl. Edward went to get the dry cat food automatically, knowing that if the bowl wasn't full, little (or should I say _huge_) miss devil-cat wouldn't touch it. While his head was stuck in the pantry, I called, "Hey, Edward!"

"Yes?" he answered, his voice muffled. I waited until he pulled his head out and looked at me.

"Dr. Claw called." I pointed at Tanya with a smirk on my face. "He wants his cat back."

***

It was quite a bit longer than fifteen minutes before we finally left for my place. I had escaped to the bedroom as Edward was trying to feed the cats while laughing uncontrollably. Snatching another shirt I kept there along with the last pair of jeans I had, I tried to dress as quickly as possible. My underwear was a tiny bit damp and I silently thanked Alice for making me buy more than one nice set of lingerie to keep at his place. Of course, he walked through the door while I was completely naked.

Edward couldn't have gotten out of his clothes faster if he'd burst out of them like the Incredible Hulk. The girls squealed something about Bruce Banner and not caring whether he was angry, as long as we had an up close and personal meeting with the Precious.

I certainly didn't want to make him angry, but after his initial attack, I _did_ want to make him crazy with want.

As usual, the Precious hypnotized me – and I didn't care one bit. I was completely overcome by the depth of his focus on my body, our connection, and our absolute disregard for anything but the two of us. Laughter, desire and the replete merging of our minds and souls drowned out everything. By the time we were finished, I was left wondering how I'd ever considered myself happy before Edward.

And it scared the shit out of me. It was like being pulled up that first hill of a roller-coaster, when you know you're stuck in that car for the whole ride, no backing out. I was excited and terrified, the fear of falling and the promise of exhilaration that warred with one another settling deep in the pit of my stomach.

As we lay there in the aftermath, I decided it didn't matter. It wasn't Edward I was scared of, it was the ride. I had to remind myself that while the twists and turns and drops of the relationship might leave my stomach at the apex of the hill, Edward was that foamy shoulder harness that kept me from certain decapitation or dismemberment.

What more could a girl ask for?

***

After we gathered Renesmee and her various kitty supplies (and two towels for the wet seats to appease Buttercup the soccer mom), I stole Edward's keys and sped down the stairwell. It was likely an act of God that I didn't fall down the steps, as I was racing the elevator to the bottom floor of the parking garage. I burst out of the smelly staircase and sprinted to the car at the same moment the bell sounded for the elevator. Thankfully, Edward was burdened with our baby's cat carrier and his overnight bag, since he was staying over tonight.

_**We love slumber parties…minus the 'slumber' part. And add in the sexytimes part.**_

Ignoring the girls' sharp, tween-squealing comments; I made it to the car and slammed the door shut just as he skidded to a stop next to the Volvo. After giving me several dirty looks (which only served to turn me on), he stowed the baggage in the trunk and carefully placed the cat-carrier in the backseat and spread out the towel before he buckled himself in next to me. I stuffed the towel underneath my butt after he thrust it at me.

"A fan of grand theft auto, are we?" he grumbled.

"I figured you wouldn't be opposed," I replied coyly, my lips curving at the obvious teasing in his voice. "And it's not really theft when my passenger owns the car."

"Is that right?"

"Yep. I believe it's called carjacking," I deadpanned, barely managing to keep a straight face.

I bit my lip at his raised eyebrow. The girls batted their lashes and sighed.

_Seriously, Bella? The man just made good on his "Birthday Wish Promise" – yes, it deserves capital letters – not more than thirty minutes ago and you're already itching to jump him again? Not to mention it's _his fucking birthday _and you're the one who received two of those orgasms?_

The girls flipped off my inner bitch and shoved her into a locker.

Edward turned in his seat as I put the car in reverse; the bastard was actually making sure I didn't hit anything! I was tempted to back right into the Range Rover behind me, but I was afraid of what he would do, especially since I'd already scraped the shit out of the passenger door.

_**Don't piss him off, Bella! He might deny us the creamy center of his Zinger.**_

_Oh. My. Fuck. They're comparing jizz to snack cake filling? Obviously the girls have no tastebuds, or they'd know that the taste of spooge in no way resembles delicious, fluffy cream filling. The taste is… indescribably undesirable. Sort of like I'd imagine the flavor of the floor of a twenty year-old skating rink. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the quality of the man – all spunk is universally disgusting._

But that feeling of power, of satisfaction that came from bringing your guy to his knees? Completely worth the ick factor. No questions asked._**Well then, what should we call it, Bella? Man Chowder? Boy Butter? Going #3? Not-so-frozen Yogurt? Knob Gobbler Protein Shake?**_

_I thought it wasn't supposed to go in my mouth, right girls?_

_Finally, sweet silence_.

"Ooh, look, Edward! I managed to get out of the parking garage without damaging your precious car," I said smugly, exaggerating my tone and using my nagging voice.

_Yes, I have a nagging voice. Every woman is born with one – and men need to learn to deal with it. End of story._

He grinned at me, looking somewhat apologetic. Okay, he didn't look like he was particularly sorry, but I was a sucker for those lips…and hair…and eyes…

…and the Precious.

"We're not at your place yet, Bella. Don't go getting too cocky." His voice was dripping with smug humor. Without my brain's permission, I growled and swung my arm in his direction, trying to smack his arm. He caught my hand before I could make contact, as usual. When I tried to yank my hand from his, he simply tightened his grip before bringing it to his face and planting a soft kiss on my palm.

I swear to God, the girls exploded like a bag of fireworks in the hands of an irresponsible, drunk teenager with a healthy case of pyromania.

Apparently I was making googly-eyes at him, because he scowled at me, pointing to the street in front of me.

"Eyes on the road, Danica," he teased, laughing as I tried once again to remove my hand from his.

"While I think it's fucking awesome that she drives an Indy Car: _unlike _Danica Patrick, I would _never _do those sleazy adverts for that website…what is it? Who's your Daddy dot com? Is that it?"

"Oh, you mean the ones that end with the camera zooming in on copious amounts of cleavage?"

"Yes, yes! They've got the company logo on their shirts!" I was getting pretty animated as I drove, gesturing with both our hands and trying to point to the correct area of product placement. "So what's the name?" I prompted.

"I have no idea. Someone really should tell those ad execs that guys will never notice the logo when there's cleavage involved," he mused, shaking his head. I'd be lying if I said that comment didn't fuel a tiny bit of possessive rage. I liked to pretend I was a cool girl and didn't care if my guy looked at other boobs, but it was all a lie. _Other women that tell you the same thing are liars too, every single one of them_. I pressed hard on the gas just to rattle him, the car responding nicely and jerking forward.

"Slow down, Bella!" he yelled, holding my hand tightly on his thigh.

"Hey, you're the one keeping me from driving with two hands." He immediately placed my hand on the steering wheel and gave me a pleading look.

"Be careful, please. It's not just about the car," he said softly. I was a goner for his tone of voice alone. But when he added in that sappy, gentle, _fucking hot _look, I melted faster than the Wicked Witch of the West. "There's something in here that's very special to me."

The girls forcibly took control of my foot and made me ease it off the gas pedal, my cheeks flaming all the while.

He sighed as the car slowed to a stop in front of a red light. I chanced one peek to my right and found him shaking with silent laughter.

"What the hell, Edward?" I demanded.

"Sometimes it's just too easy," he laughed. I clenched my teeth and kept my eyes forward, determined to ignore him for the rest of the ride.

_God, that smug fucker is right!_

When I didn't respond to his teasing, he reached over, leaning toward me and placing his hand above my knee. I still refused to speak or look at him, keeping my hands firmly placed at ten and two on the steering wheel.

"Bella, come on," he wheedled, rubbing the outside of my leg with slow sweeps of his thumb. The girls were engaging in full-on guerilla warfare, directing blood flow to certain volatile areas and pumping hormones into my system faster than Britney Spears could drink a Red-Bull. "I can't help teasing you. You react so beautifully."

"Shut up, Edward. You're just digging yourself a deeper hole here."

"I'm sorry, Bella!" He tried to win back my affections with his sexy as fuck smile and swoon-worthy voice, but I refused to be swayed as I sped through the streets of downtown Seattle. His trademark smirk was so huge I could see it out of the corner of my eye. The stupid Space Needle laughed at me as it jutted out of the skyline, its phallic shape reminding me of a giant penis declaring dominion over all residents of the city. I concentrated on taking the fastest route to my apartment, because the sooner we arrived, the sooner I could kick him in the shins.

"I'll make _sure_ you're sorry," I growled as I whipped around another corner. "Goddamn snake-oil salesman," I muttered to myself, every single epithet I knew racing through my stream of consciousness. All thoughts of violence skidded to a halt as he leaned all the way over the console and placed his lips just below my ear.

"Bella," he whispered against my skin, "don't be mad." He rested his forehead against the side of my neck, each wash of his breath warming my already overheated skin. I thought I'd be able to withstand the power of his tractor beam magic, but I was wrong. "Don't you know, love? Even if I'm teasing you, that doesn't mean I don't believe in every single word."

I swallowed hard, using every bit of strength I had just to keep my eyes on the road. I was finished. Done. Down for the count. So far behind that even a blue spiked shell or lightning bolt wouldn't save me. Lost in a sea-full of zombies without a single shotgun left in Raccoon City.

I was royally fucked, and I didn't care.

***

When we got up to my apartment, I sent Edward to the couch with strict orders to plant his not-so-lazy ass there until I gave him permission to move. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time I mixed the brownies.

Renesmee galloped about the room, digging her little claws into my already-abused couch and generally using Edward as a human obstacle course.

Every once in a while, Edward would sigh loudly and go for another round of channel-surfing, doing his best to draw attention to himself without actually asking me to come and focus on him. When he did manage to catch my eye…holy hell. I knew I was in for it tonight. _If looks could kill…_

…_**Or induce screaming orgasms,**_ the girls supplied. _Thanks for that, girls. Because I really need to have his family walk in on us in the middle of an encore performance…_

After a good half-hour of torture, I finally finished stirring in the nuts, marshmallows and extra chocolate chunks and shoved the tray into the oven. Since we were having company tonight, I'd kept my work area relatively clean and there was only the dirty bowl to take care of.

"Are you done yet?" Edward whined, his voice taking on that annoyingly sexy, yet petulant tone that made me want to slap him – right before I mauled his naked body.

"Yes, I'm done," I answered, making sure to emulate that long-suffering note that had always been present when Grandma Marie was giving my mother a talking-to.

_What? _ My grandmother knew her daughter. Renee had never been the matronly, responsible type. She'd saved that role for her teenage daughter.

I wasn't bitter.

_Not completely, anyway_. At least now I had a chance to make up for my less-than-exciting formative years. I had Edward – and he was all too willing to oblige any immature urges I might have.

"Want to lick the bowl?" I asked with a grin, holding it up and shaking it in his direction. He was up and covering the short distance to the kitchen before I could blink.

"I'll never turn down an offer like that." He grabbed the bowl and set it to the side, wrapping his arms around me and covering my lips with his. I almost let myself be sucked in, but when he pulled back and set his forehead to mine, some blood actually returned to my brain. My cerebellum did actually need blood to power those necessary activities such as, oh, breathing and heartbeat and such.

"Does this mean I'm the bowl?" I tried to contain the panting, I _really _did.

It didn't work. Thank God it was covered up by the heavy breaths coming from _his_ chest as well. He laughed, his arms tightening around me as he buried his face in my neck. I swiped my finger through the remnants of batter in the bowl and started to bring it to my lips. Catching my hand in mid-air, he brought my fingers to his mouth and licked the brownie batter away.

There was no denying it – I was completely dazzled. Brainwashed. Gone to the Dark side. A decorated Sith lord.

_**Oh, please, let Edward use his light saber on us!**_

The girls were dressing up in tiny gold bikinis and twisting their hair into huge buns that covered their nonexistent ears. They were anxious to play Princess Leia to Edward's Han Solo.

"Do that again," I squeaked before my brain could catch up with my mouth.

"Liked that, did you?" he laughed, taking my hand and leading me to the couch.

"I thought it was boring over here." Yes, I was avoiding his question. A small snort escaped him as he plopped down, trying to drag me into his lap. "Not yet, couch potato. Just a sec."

"Do you ever rest?" he asked in exasperation as I ran to my room to grab another present.

"That's what tonight is for," I called from my closet. "Sleeping." _Oooh, that will get him riled up_, I thought. Sure enough, he was scowling when I returned to the living room, but he brightened considerably when he saw the package in my hands. I dropped it into his lap and sat down next to him, smiling when he tucked me into his side.

"Where in the heck do you buy your wrapping paper, Bella?" He shook with laughter as he poked at the present with a tentative finger. The paper was made to look like a brown paper bag and was decorated with red and black wires that connected to stopwatches and pieces of dynamite. "Never mind. I don't even want to know. Is this from the Unabomber?" he asked before shaking it gently.

I gasped in mock horror. "Don't shake it!"

"Well, now I'm _really_ afraid to open this."

I laughed and tugged on the red ribbon bow at the top. "Clip the red wire, MacGyver," I whispered, whipping the ribbon off the package and tossing it to the floor, where Renesmee promptly pounced on it with a little growl. He rolled his eyes and tore into the paper. I tried not to fidget as I waited for his reaction.

He pulled the first item out of the box and smirked to himself. "Thanks, Bella. More movies we can end up _not_ watching." The 'not watching' was punctuated with an eyebrow waggle.

"Shut it, Edward. I promise I _will _make you watch all of _Spaceballs_ next time. And you'd better believe we will not be sharing the same piece of furniture during _Blazing Saddles_." He pouted at me and set the complete collection of Mel Brooks movies on the coffee table, reaching for the next item.

"I see a theme here," he laughed, taking out the certificate for a one-year subscription to Netflix.

"I already set up your queue," I said, grinning and trying not to bite my lip nervously. There was only one more gift in the box, and it was the one I was most unsure about.

"This is great, Bella. I always appreciate opportunities to take advantage of you." He leaned forward and kissed me softly, leaving me with no smart-ass retort.

_Why does he think I got him the damn thing?_

"And I appreciate being taken advantage of," I said when he pulled back. His eyes darkened and he leaned forward again, licking his bottom lip before kissing me again. It was slow and deliberate, somehow relaxed yet never losing the intensity that flowed back and forth between us.

I barely noticed when he set the box on the floor before pushing me gently to my back on the soft cushions. He hummed low in his throat as he settled over me, threading one hand through my hair. Hot breath washed over my cheek as he angled his head, and increased the pressure of his mouth, encouraging me to part my lips. Sandpapery stubble made my palms tingle when I brought them to his cheeks, pausing to feel the smooth, subtle flex of muscle and bone at his jaw.

Was I forgetting something?

_**No, Bella! Keep your mouth shut – er – not **_**shut**_**, but keep it occupied!**_

The girls and my thoughts floated away when one hand smoothed over my shoulder and grazed the side of my breast before continuing lower, over the curves of my waist and hip and stopping at mid-thigh. I arched against him, my muscles tightening involuntarily at the slightly ticklish sensation. No longer content to just hold his face in my hands, I grabbed handfuls of his hair, satisfying my need to clutch him in my fingers.

He gripped my thigh tightly and pressed his hips against mine, pulling my leg up over his hip at the same time. I couldn't hold back the moan that escaped me when I felt him pushing against the perfect place between my legs. Breaking the kiss, I arched my neck and sucked in a huge breath as red dots burst beneath my eyelids. I welcomed the burn of whiskers on my neck as he dragged his lips over the tender underside of my chin and fastened his mouth just below my ear.

_Why do I think I'm forgetting something? Why do I care at all? _

I didn't care as his hand slid up the back of my thigh, pausing to squeeze my ass before retracing his path all the way up, hooking his arm under mine so he could brace himself on his elbow. I opened my eyes to see him hovering over me, his lush forest gaze drawing a smile from my lips. We watched each other for a few moments, letting our breathing slow.

"Sorry," he offered, a sheepish, sexy smile curving his lips. The hoarse rasp to his voice made the girls burst into tears as they realized we weren't headed for another conjugal visit with the Precious.

"Make sure it never happens again," I said, unable to keep a straight face.

"Funny," he laughed. "Thank you for today, Bella. It's been the best birthday I can remember." His stare turned serious and he turned onto his side, taking me with him. He kept me securely anchored with a tight arm around my waist, making sure even _I_ wouldn't be able to fall off the couch.

"You're welcome," I whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips before I brushed a stray lock of hair back from his forehead. "And to think, it's not even over yet!" I gasped as I remembered there was one more gift in the bottom of the box. I reached blindly behind me, managing to bang my hand on the corner of the coffee table before I connected with the cardboard.

"You've got one more present in the bottom here." I was barely able to keep the excited tremor out of my voice. I swung my arm up and the box almost hit him in the face.

"Whoa, I need that eye, Bella!" he snickered, catching my hand in mid-swing as I aimed for the side of his head. He let me go and I grabbed the envelope from the box and knocked it to the floor behind us.

"Open it," I urged, grinning like a fool as he lifted the flap.

"Tickets to the symphony?" he asked excitedly before pulling me to him for a quick kiss. "Thank you! It's been forever since I've been able to go." He punctuated his words with more kisses, planting them all over my face indiscriminately.

"Well, you'll have plenty of time to plan…the performance is on Halloween. Look closer," I said. I knew the minute he threw his head back in laughter that it had been the perfect gift. Only one thing could combine his love of music with my fascination regarding the macabre and morbid.

"God, I love you." He was still trying to stop laughing. "Bella, only you would get me tickets to the Seattle Symphony's recital of the soundtrack to _Psycho_."

"You can't go wrong when Hitchcock is involved." I sighed as he hugged me tightly.

"I could say the same thing about you," he whispered in my ear.

The girls squealed and jumped around in circles.

* * *

_Dinner and some Cullen family time up next! _

_Thanks for reading. I know it takes a while for new chapters sometimes. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it._


	24. Chapter 24 Come and Go as You Please

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Boo hoo._

_First of all, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to all of you. I'd intended to get this up before the big day, but FFN is being its normal whorish self and isn't working right. _

_Thanks, kisses and booze, as always, to my wifey/beta EchoesOfTwilight._

_AmeryMarie and LaraIsAwkward are pre-readers extraordinaire._

_Now Go! Read.  
_

* * *

**Chapter 24: Come and Go as You Please**

After about five minutes of refusing to let me go, Edward finally let me get off the couch to clean up the wrapping paper. Oh, I wasn't complaining. Far from it. It was a game we played. I'd try to move a limb, he'd move to block me, and we'd stay in that position for a while. I refused to laugh, but I couldn't help the silly grin I wore. The barest hint of a smirk flitted across his face every time we shifted position, and I decided I'd make it my mission to get him to laugh.

He relaxed, setting the snare for his prey, so to speak. I waited a moment before abruptly turning my back to him. That was the only movement he allowed. He swooped in, lying against me heavily in an obviously fake stretch accompanied by a huge yawn. His heavy arm pressed my head into the cushion, but I was good at evading these sorts of maneuvers. I encountered this type of abuse every night I spent with Edward. _I really need to start dropping hints about one of us getting a king-sized bed (preferably him)._ I clenched my jaw to keep from laughing as he backed off, leaving me free to make another move in our little physical chess match.

_I know. Nerdy but sort of adorable, right?_

I angled my head to catch a glimpse of his face and was rewarded with a very soft, very _fake_ snore.

I wasn't sure if my desire to laugh was more in response to his bad acting, or the way my inner bitch was grumbling about how pathetic I was because his voodoo crap actually worked on me.

It was then I decided my course of action. I reached behind me and went right for his crotch, knowing it would do two things: he would laugh, thus losing the game, and I would get in some shameless groping.

_**Groping, always the groping!**_

_Success!_ As soon as I heard his weird grunt of laughter, I let myself laugh. He let me sit up, grudgingly admitting, "You win."

I let out a little self-satisfied sigh, earning another laugh. "What did I win?"

"A kiss?" He leaned forward, eyes closed, lips overly puckered and looking completely ridiculous and thoroughly fuckable simultaneously.

"Well, that means you get a prize too. How is that fair?"

"Because you're supposed to let me win on my birthday."

"I will never _let_ you win anything," I laughed, patting his cheek and pecking him on the lips before hopping up to carry away the gift-wrap.

"You're ruthless, you know that?" he called after me. I remained silent and grinned, watching him from the kitchen, assuming his question was rhetorical.

_**All's fair in love and baby-making. **_

It was like the girls were reciting the freaking Pledge of Allegiance. They were that serious. _Are the girls hopping on the anticipation bandwagon? Usually they're all about the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am action._

As I was pondering that thought, the timer sounded.

_Every single one of you thought I forgot those brownies, didn't you? Oh, no. Not I._

Today was my allotted day this year where I could pull off a fairly good imitation of Martha Stewart and run a successful little gathering. I'm a fan of all my eggs in one basket. Why do something more than once if you don't have to?

The girls perked up at the mention of eggs and baskets, elbowing each other and making inappropriate comments involving bread baskets and rising time for Edward's dough.

I fought back the need to make the sign of the cross in their direction.

I had to focus and get this thing pulled together because I was in the home stretch. Only one more thing to get through.

What really sucked about it was having an eight-person family…celebration…thing in my apartment. Quite a big deal when one is an only child of only children. I didn't really even know what to call these things – that's what it was like in my family: completely unstructured and poorly planned. Just accidents and causes for embarrassment waiting to happen.

The YouTube-worthy moments that went with them were incredibly high when considered per capita.

So of course I was nervous, but also determined to ensure this day had no kitchen fires or other catastrophes. Plus I was saving a rather healthy fantasy of chocolate-flavored kisses for later and I wasn't about to let those brownies burn.

To ensure the rest of the evening went well, I was embracing the cliché and going with lasagna for dinner. I'd discussed it with Birthday Boy and he'd been pleased. It was easy, served a crowd and was generally something most people liked. I made it a week ahead and kept it in the freezer until I needed it. I didn't want to take any chances with my first larger family gathering sort of thing; I was going to just kick the extra point and go for the tie, not try for two and the outright win.

_Tempting fate to take a steaming crap on me is not a good idea._

So we went with lasagna, garlic bread and salad.

_Take that, Fate_.

*******

_I am an idiot_.

I had forgotten that Edward wouldn't be the only person causing trouble tonight. _Silly me_.

When Emmett and Rose arrived fifteen minutes early, I had just pulled the bubbling casserole from the oven to rest a bit. Edward was setting the table and adding my clichéd Caesar salad (to match the clichéd lasagna) to the salad plates. I'd relented and released him from his couch confinement at the very last minute because he was annoying the heck out of me with his television choices and his random little comments. If he was occupied, that left me more time to make sure everything was ready for the hurricane that would soon make landfall in _Chez Bella_.

He answered the door as I sliced a loaf of Italian bread lengthwise and smeared both halves with butter.

"Happy birthday, _little_ brother," Emmett greeted as he and Edward did that half hug with the single back slap thing men often did. "'Younger brother' doesn't really apply anymore." He didn't bother to hide his snicker as he continued. "One more year, Edward, then you can join the rest of us in the _thirtysomething_ crowd."

"Ouch," I laughed, earning a scowl from Edward's direction. Busying myself with finishing the bread, I added a nice sprinkling of garlic salt before sliding it under the broiler. _Oh, yes, I embrace the slacker's garlic bread, and it is _delicious. _ It tastes wonderful – like butter and laziness and processed seasonings._

From her place in the doorway, Rose playfully shoved Emmett's shoulder, not moving him an inch until he willingly stepped away to give her room.

"Happy birthday." She hugged him as she wished him well, before whispering something in his ear that I couldn't catch because Emmett was closing in on me.

"Meat Sweats," I said happily. "How are ya?" We began most of our conversations this way. I'd come to really enjoy it.

"Oh, can't complain, Bella. I still piss excellence and remain generally awesome each and every day." He sighed in pretend thought. "I recently started rescuing kittens from trees in my spare time. You know, doing stuff for the community," he rambled. "How the hell are ya, Gaucho?"

"I'm very well," I laughed, setting out glasses. I was trying to do everything at once: keep up a conversation with Emmett, finish dinner, and quit staring at Edward. That was just asking for an accident. I'd no sooner completed the thought before I misjudged the height of the cabinet while reaching for the last water goblet – it tumbled off the shelf, narrowly missing my bare toe as it shattered on the floor.

I cursed under my breath. "Of course this happens when I have no shoes on."

"Don't move, accident magnet," Edward ordered, pointing at me and smirking as he left the room.

"Getting the incidents out of the way early, huh?" Rose joked, making me laugh. _I wonder if she knows that's probably the first of many_. "Where do you keep your broom?"

"In the hall closet, just to the right of the front door."

She swept up most of the glass near my feet while Emmett hovered nearby with a paper sack to hold the shards. Most of the mess was gone when Edward came back with a pair of flip-flops for me.

"These aren't the safest option around broken glass, but they're better than nothing."

"Thanks," I returned, offering him a smile as he steadied me while I donned the footwear.

"You're welcome." He placed his lips to my ear as he hooked his arm around my shoulders playfully. "Your closet is a mess," he whispered only for me.

"You didn't snoop around in there, did you?" I demanded.

"No! I had to root around for these things! I'm lucky to come out of there alive."

"Shut up!" I hissed, reaching above my head to try and cover his mouth. Rose and Emmett were laughing at us without reservation. _Why the hell not? I'm here for nothing if not everyone else's amusement._

"Edward, that was _not_ a smart thing to say." Rose was shaking her head, her bare shoulders shaking with laughter.

_Bare shoulders? What the hell kind of description is that? _

No doubt, Rose was hot. In that "wow, I want to hate her on sight" kind of way. Not in the way all the pervs out there (including both of the men in the room) would prefer. Seeing Rosalie in her nice, occasion-appropriate attire made me realize I was still stuck in a smartass t-shirt and jeans.

"Crap, I have to change before anyone else gets here," I thought aloud, trying to organize the last-minute stuff in my head.

"I like what you're wearing just fine, Bella." Emmett leaned forward and squinted at my chest, reading aloud slowly, "Congratulations, you're not illiterate!"

Edward faked a scowl at his brother. "Eyes off her chest, Emmett," he growled melodramatically. I turned toward him with an exaggerated roll of my eyes.

"Nice, Edward. Are you going to fashion togas made of your pelts from the hunt and beat your chest too? Maybe we could, oh, discover fire together sometime?" With that, I pivoted to face Emmett.

I patted him on the head. "Good boy, Meat Sweats. Apparently, you are not illiterate," I called, heading for my room to change. Even the closed door didn't completely dampen their laughter.

Once inside, I decided jeans would still be appropriate and focused on finding something to dress them up. I ended up with a pretty jewel-green roughened-silk strapless top with an empire waist that fell just to the top of my hips. The whole thing was secured with a tie behind my back, which meant no bra. _Score one for the birthday boy_. I didn't dress up for nothing – for me, if it was fancy, it needed to multitask.

I added a shiny black patent leather belt and some matching low-heeled wedges. For a change without fuss, I gathered my hair in a low ponytail at the left side of my neck, letting the curled ends spill over my shoulder. That way I got to use my hair as jewelry. Win-win. The last piece of the puzzle was a huge chunky patent leather bracelet.

I was pleased with my reflection as I passed the full-length mirror on my way out. _So far, so good!_

_So wrong._

The first thing that caught my attention when I came out of the bedroom was the acrid stench of burning bread.

"You guys don't smell that?" I yelled, rushing across the short distance to shut off the broiler. "SHIT! Motherfucking cocksucking sonofabitch!" Black smoke poured upward out of the cracked oven door in a wave so strong my eyes watered.

No one came up to help me out. Muted laughter floated from the other side of the apartment as I madly searched for potholders, finding none. I finally gave up and just slammed the oven shut, hoping the smoke would somehow dissipate before I had to use the thing again.

"Don't all rush over here to help me or anything," I grumbled. Deciding the oven needed to be punished, I gave it a good kick. "Damn it!"

"Bella, it's okay." Edward was coming up behind me, and the laughter was getting louder.

"No, it's not okay," I shrieked, whirling to grab a dish towel to wave away the smoke. "This thing is supposed to be Martha Stewart perfect. Perfectly pretentious. Completely clichéd family fun! Burned garlic bread is not fun! Shit shit shit!" I was rambling, but I honestly couldn't make my lips quit moving as I paced. The laughter was raucous at that point, and I finally realized that there were more voices than there should be. I froze with my back to Edward and he came up to pull my back into his chest.

"You might want to quiet down and take a couple deep breaths," he whispered lowly, his lips right next to my temple.

"Your parents are here, aren't they?" Everyone burst out laughing at my despondent question.

"They got here just in time to hear the motherfucker chorus."

My knees buckled. "Oh, God." Taking a deep breath, I pasted a smile on my face and turned to face the Cullens.

Esme and Carlisle stood in the entryway, Alice and Jasper right behind them. They were still laughing.

_Well, I might as well make use of the situation…_

"So, Esme, Carlisle, has Edward told you about my Tourette's?"

*******

The rest of the evening was surprisingly event-free. We all had plenty to eat even without the garlic bread turned charcoal that still sat in the oven. Every window in the apartment was open and the June night was surprisingly cool, creating a fresh, open atmosphere around the table.

"Wow, Bella, that lasagna was amazing," Alice praised, raising her eyebrow at me.

"Oh, Alice, this was no trouble at all!" I returned with a smirk.

She knew I'd nearly driven myself crazy over what to feed everyone, whether or not I needed to make some kind of fancy "mocktail" (which was an insult to my integrity as a bartender) or just serve water. During one of my panics, I'd ranted about how easy this sort of thing looked in the movies and in books.

"_Alice, they always serve lasagna and salad and everyone loves the meal _and_ the girl because she comes off as easygoing and cool and 'Oh, it's no trouble…'_" Wow. I was out of breath just remembering that conversation.

Alice had simply rolled her eyes and told me to act out the cliché. We all knew that this meal would likely inspire a good amount of, but at least we could do it deliberately. And it had worked! Everyone was satisfied and happy, tossing napkins to the side and rubbing their bellies in contentment.

_Okay, so maybe I'm going just a tad-bit overboard with the clichés_…

As was becoming custom in dinners like these, the conversation turned to inappropriate subjects. Someone would end up telling a particularly gross or inappropriate story and we'd all laugh until we grossed each other out. This evening, it began when Emmett and Rose were discussing rehearsal dinner menu choices for their ceremony in August.

Their _destination_ ceremony, in which Edward was the best man. In Hawaii. On a resort. For a week.

_Yeah, we haven't had _that_ conversation yet. I was happy to make like an ostrich and bury my head in the sand. If I don't think about it, it doesn't exist…until it has to. I'd deal with it then. _

"I think we should have the traditional Hawaiian staples, Em," Rose was saying. "Like pit-roasted suckling pigs and poi." Alice was shaking her head and scowling, looking like someone had just dropped her favorite toy into liquid nitrogen and kicked it, shattering it into a million pieces. "And I want us to wear traditional Hawaiian costumes. You know, the grass skirts and coconut bras?" For someone who was Beverly Hills born and bred, Rose sure was bringing the tacky.

Alice dropped her head into her hands and groaned. I had the suspicion that Rose was playing tacky tourist just to wind Alice up. I looked over to find Edward observing the volleys of this mini battle of wits between the two. He squeezed my hand tightly where it rested with his in my lap, nodding at poor Jasper.

Stoic, long-suffering Jasper, stuck in between two women itching for an argument about decorations and menus and flowers…poor guy didn't have a chance.

"You know, I was watching that _Bizarre Foods_ show the other day," he blurted. "It was pretty cool. This guy drank blood straight out of the cow when he visited the Masai Tribe in Africa." He nodded emphatically.

Luckily for Jasper, I had also seen that episode. Since he'd never tried to bite my head off or anything, I took pity on him.

"Ooh, that's the one where all the children want to eat the giant blood clot that forms on the stirring stick, right?"

"Bella!" gasped Alice, Rose and Esme. _Yikes. Too far?_

At the same time, all four men burst out laughing. "Nice save, Bella!" Jasper cheered.

I tried to look contrite for Esme's benefit. Tried. That effort was out the window at Emmett's next comment.

"Did you guys see the one with the maggot cheese? You know; the one with the _live_ maggots?"

I gagged. I really thought I was going to have to excuse myself.

"Emmett, really, that was just too much," Esme muttered.

"Hey, Bella was talking about eating giant, placenta-looking blood clots!" he whined.

"In all fairness, I didn't describe them in such…detail," I said, trying to backpedal as everyone started speaking at once. "So, does anyone else have an adventurous appetite?" I didn't succeed in keeping the desperation from my voice. "No one?"

I cleared my throat, still not having any luck.

"I ate twelve dozen oysters in a contest once," Carlisle volunteered. This was both good and bad. On the good side, it was a great distraction.

_**Can you imagine Dr. Hoo-Ha's libido after twelve dozen oysters?**_

Behold the bad side.

I kicked them back into the little cage I pictured for them, mentally sealed it with a padlock and tossed the key over a cliff.

All in all, the night went well. I was given the chance to hang back and observe the family dynamic as I cleared the table and stashed the dishes in the sink. I got out little wrapped parcels we were giving as bribes for our guests to hustle on out of here. I'd cut the entire batch of brownies into eight pieces, wrapping up all but one in plain parchment paper tied with twine. Hopefully the packaged nature of dessert would let them know that we wanted to end the night early. If that didn't work, my backup plan was to toss one down the hallway and hope they all chased after it.

All of Edward's gifts from his family had been related to the upcoming Hawaii trip. The lucky bastard had come away with a completely paid-for luxury trip to Hawaii. He'd looked all cute and uncomfortable when opening the various envelopes, sneaking careful glances at me. I gave him a small smile, trying to conceal the pang of insecurity that hit me when I remembered he would be in Hawaii for a week without me around to scare the crows away from my crops.

Soon after the grumbling was over and the mess was cleaned, Edward gave a long, exaggerated yawn.

"Wow, I'm worn out. I think it's way past my bedtime," he said, staring at me with that evil glint in his eye. He stood and stretched for effect, and the other men followed suit before everyone migrated for the door.

"See, it's already starting," Emmett warned me, shaking his head. He jerked his thumb in Edward's direction. "Not even thirty and the old man behavior has begun. In bed and asleep before nine-thirty. What a shame."

"Who said anything about sleeping?" I retorted without thinking. I did my best impersonation of a ketchup bottle when Carlisle covered up his bark of laughter with a cough.

_**We want to "not sleep" with Dr. Hoo-Ha! **_

I pictured them bound in the center of their cage, duct taped to wheeled dollies while sporting the Hannibal Lecter face mask. Like the (sometimes) good little ovaries they were, they didn't offer any more suggestions after that.

"That's right, everyone," Edward said, shoving brownies at his siblings and parents as he ushered them out the door. "Closing time! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

*******

After everyone left, I went to the kitchen to assemble dessert. With a surreptitious glance to make sure Edward wasn't watching me, I reached into the cabinet for the trick candles I'd stashed there yesterday. I quickly nuked the dessert, plopped a giant scoop of vanilla ice-cream on the top and added the candle to the top of the mound. He grinned as he saw me coming, sitting up on the couch and tucking one foot underneath his knee as I lit the wick. It sparked a bit as the flame grew – I hoped it wouldn't give me away.

"Do you want your brownie first or should I give you your last present?" I asked, arching a brow at him when he put on his best thinking face.

"Does my last present involve the removal of your clothes…and the brownie too?" he inquired hopefully. I shook my head _no_ as I sat next to him, feigning regret.

_**Liar, liar, pants on fire, Bella,**_ the girls sang. _Yeah, so what if they're right?_ I thought of Edward wearing my gag gift, which led to me picturing him squirming while wearing the scratchy burlap, further leading to me imagining what would be _under_ the loincloth…

The girls squealed a high-pitched Tarzan yell and beat their tiny chests before swinging around down there, using my Fallopian tubes as vines.

He pouted at me and reached for the brownie. I pursed my lips and tried not to giggle as he took a deep breath and stared right at me, making his wish. His intense green stare turned my bones to jelly and I sank even deeper into the couch cushions at the sight of his triumphant smile as the flame went out. The look on his face when the flame leapt back to life seconds later was priceless. A tiny laugh escaped me, but I thought I managed to pass it off as a cough. He huffed and blew it out again, scowling when it lit itself once more. Laughter bubbled out of my mouth as he turned his scowl on me.

"Did Emmett put you up to this?" he asked exasperatedly, his lips twitching as he tried to prevent the smile that I knew was dying to form on his lips.

"Nope, it was all me. If it was Emmett, that might have been a miniature stick of dynamite," I laughed as he plucked the candle from the brownie and dumped it into his glass of water. "At least I didn't try to shove twenty-nine trick candles into that poor single brownie – and I didn't do it in front of your family."

"I should have known." he grumbled good-naturedly, scooping up a piece of gooey brownie and offering it to me. I waved him off.

"It's your birthday brownie. You should have the first bite," I insisted. He pushed the spoon into my hand anyway before he reclined against the arm of the couch.

"I think you should feed it to me." Rough desire colored his tone as he stared at me, his eyes sparking with evergreen fire, his lips curving in that way I could never resist.

I leaned forward, making the airplane noise as I pushed the spoon to his lips. He raised an eyebrow and smirked at my antics.

"What have I done to give you such an unmanly opinion of me, Bella? Now you seem to think I'm a child. Buttercup, soccer mom, Edwina…" he trailed off, sighing dramatically. "Your insults are giving me whiplash. Pick one and go with it." Laughter added to the playfulness of his words and his smirk was contagious.

"I know you're not a kid, silly." I poked the spoon at his lips, forcing him to take a bite. "If you _were_, right about now Chris Hansen would be asking me to 'Please, take a seat there.'" I mocked, snickering as he pretended to choke. My mirth quickly morphed into lust as he licked a drop of melted ice cream off his lip. I was tensing to leap on top of him, dessert be damned, but he broke the spell by speaking. Not that I didn't enjoy hearing him talk, but I happened to think _my_ plans would be putting his mouth to better use.

"Wait, don't you have to give me a pitcher of margaritas and offer to show me the hot tub before he shows up?" He punctuated his question by shoving another huge spoonful into his mouth. The way he was attacking the bowl was starting to remind me of Meat Sweats and his piles of red meat. Of course I had to do something about that, because thoughts of Emmett were killing my libido. It was dying just about as fast as it had the day Charlie had walked in on me with my first boyfriend, Peter Brady.

_Yes, his last name really i_s_ Brady, and his parents were douchebags who thought his name was hilarious._

Under no circumstances was I allowed to be in my bedroom with Peter when the door was closed. At first, Charlie had been a little naïve in assuming that I'd follow that rule when he was at the station. It was my senior year at school and we'd gotten away with it for a good six months before the shit hit the fan. Peter had my shirt unbuttoned and his hands on my ta-tas when Charlie stormed in, eyes flashing like laser beams and his _Magnum, P.I._ mustache twitching. I remembered how my nipples had tried to retreat into my body, and I'd been terrified that Peter was gonna get a taste of my dad's nightstick.

_**Bella, you do realize…that has two entirely different meanings, right?**_

After that, I never could relax enough to enjoy myself with Peter. I'd eventually given him my v-card, more out of an intense desire not to die a virgin than a true need to have my wicked way with him. It was a lackluster experience and hurt like hell. I was pissed because evidently my vagina had caused him to forget all about my boobs.

_Great! Now thoughts of Meat Sweats are gone, but they're being replaced by something ten times worse!_

I realized I was staring at him like an idiot again and snapped myself out of it. _Thank God he usually thinks I'm staring at him that way because he's dazzling me._

Cocky jerk. A _sweet _one, but still a cocky jerk.

I wouldn't trade him for the world.

_**Might we consider taking Dr. Hoo-Ha for a ride, just to make sure?**_

I pictured them trapped in a cage again, this time being slowly lowered into a pool of lava just like the human sacrifices in _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_. I even conjured up those lacy white saris the blond chick wore in the movie. They whimpered and I didn't expect to hear from them again. I was getting pretty good at shutting them up if I had to.

I shrugged. "Nah, I'm too cheap to buy booze for the adolescent boys I lure back to my apartment. What makes you think I'd spring for a hot tub? And I didn't buy any condoms either," I said, my lips twitching like I was impersonating Jimmy Fallon in an SNL skit.

Edward played along. "You mean you aren't that rich chick I was trading dirty emails with last week?"

I scowled as I tried not to snort my laughter. "Nope. I don't need any gimmicks to sell what I've got." I fell back into the soft pillows of the couch, spreading my body out about as unattractively as I could, even going so far as to shove one hand in the waistband of my jeans Al Bundy style.

He set the bowl on the coffee table with a clank and shifted so he was leaning over me, his right hand planted near my hip and his left braced behind my shoulder. "I'm certainly not arguing," he softly said, his mouth inching closer to mine with every word. His lips were warm and soft against mine and his breath smelled of chocolate. I linked my arms behind his neck as I giggled, wanting to be embarrassed about it, but not really giving a fuck anymore. He nipped the plump part of my lower lip before pulling back a few inches to grin at me. "Now, can we please stop the _To Catch A Predator_ role-playing? It's creeping me out."

"Yes," I laughed. "Thank goodness you're creeped. If you aren't, then that's a huge red flag."

He held up three fingers on his right hand. "Scout's Honor; I am seriously disturbed by _To Catch A Predator_."

Playfully, I gave him a tiny roll of my eyes before sighing as I noticed those pine-forest irises dropping to my lips. _So pretty… Bob Ross would paint happy little trees with that color… Sometime in the very distant future, I want to have an adorable little boy with Edward's hair and eyes the color of happy little trees._

Those thoughts alone made me panic a little. Naturally, I started babbling.

"So did you have an okay day? Were you disappointed we didn't have cake? Was the brownie okay?"

"You are the brownie queen. I've never had better." He licked his lips before continuing, nearly causing me to explode at the sight. "Thank you for being with me today, Bella. I don't remember having a better birthday," he said softly, threading his arms behind my back and reversing our places, pulling me on top of him. "I love you."

I placed my palm against his cheek and leaned closer to whisper my answer, my lips brushing against his as I said the words. I barely had time to suck in a breath before his mouth was sealed to mine – hot, wet, smooth. Soft lips and sharp, yet gentle nips of my lips threw me into a tailspin of sensation. My entire frame of reference was compressed to the feel of Edward against my mouth, his long runner's build tensing beneath me as I hovered over him. Sinking down, I pressed my chest to his while one of his hands curved around my waist and the other slid into my hair, gently removing the elastic that held the long strands at bay.

My hand drifted down to the curve of his jaw as we kissed, the rough stubble of his whiskers abrading my palm in the most delicious way. As I stretched out on top of him, I relished the scratchy burn of his beard growth against my lips and chin. I couldn't help sighing into his mouth as his hand slipped into the back of my jeans and under the stretchy lace of those uncomfortable undies.

But God, the discomfort was _so_ worth it.

"I want you," he breathed, his words mingling with my ragged breaths. "Do me a favor," he continued, squeezing me in his palm and pulling my hips into his. "We get to spend my next birthday indoors. Alone. And naked. All day."

I froze for a second, my heart nearly exploding as I screamed, _"He plans on us being together in a year!"_ over and over again in my head.

"What's wrong?" he asked hoarsely, his breath hot and fast against my lips.

"I just want you, too," I answered quickly, my breathing just as rapid. I started to crush my lips to his, but he gently pushed me to sit up, then followed me. I watched as he stood, tugged off his shirt, and drew me up to stand beside him. His lips descended upon mine, confident and sure of his welcome, his tongue sliding inside and claiming every part of me. Hot trails followed his hands, his palms smoothing over my shoulder blades and down to the tops of my thighs, where he gripped me almost painfully, urging me to wrap my legs around him. My arms wound around his neck as he began to make his way to my bedroom, his tongue intertwining with mine and his rough vocalizations of pleasure drawing me deeper into the place where only Edward and I existed.

He wasn't watching where he was going and we ended up pressed against the wall next to my bedroom door. He continued kissing me, using his chest to pin me to the wall while his hands roamed from my thighs to up under my shirt, his breath catching when he realized I was playing it free and loose.

"That's the best surprise yet." His voice was tactile, rough, causing my skin to flush with heat. I felt his fingers tugging apart the little tie at the back. Leaning back quickly, he tugged the fabric over my head and tossed it away, sending it flying back into the living room.

"Fuck, Edward," I panted, "I need you." He groaned in response and bent his knees, pushing me higher against the wall so he had better access to my chest. Hot, wet suction overwhelmed me as his mouth closed over my nipple, his teeth tugging on the hard peak before he sucked gently, his tongue feathering back and forth.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from the sight of his mouth on my breast; gasping for air as his needful gaze met mine. Suddenly, his hands were just below my waist, deftly unfastening my jeans and shoving them down to my knees so I could kick them off before once again curling my legs about his hips.

"Shit, Bella… those are definitely _not_ granny panties." His tone was reverent as he trailed his fingertips over the last piece of fabric that covered me, leaning back to watch as he taunted me with the heat of his touch, separated from me by the softest lace.

"Happy birthday," I breathed, somewhere between a laugh and a gasp. "Don't get used to it. I've had a wedgie since I put them on. Half of my ass is hanging out of these things." His laugh quickly turned into a groan as he slid his hands around to trace the lacy edges that left the lower curves of my cheeks bare.

"Only you would talk about wedgies at a time like this."

"That's why you love me, don't deny it." My statement started out as playful and light, but became something more, and he knew.

"That's one of the many, many reasons," he replied, a soft smile curving his lips as he hooked his fingers under the lace edge and tugged the underwear down. My brain melted at the way he fixed his gaze on the flesh he was slowly revealing. I lost patience with his slow pace and uncurled my legs, kicking off the scrap of lace.

"More…" He might have been able to physically bend me to his will, but I could still drive him crazy with insistent demands. He laughed darkly at my impatience.

"You want me?" he rasped, fastening his lips to my neck as I raked my nails down his chest to fumble with the waistband of his jeans. I managed to free the button and open the zipper without much trouble, and I shoved his jeans, boxers and all, down over his hips. A desperate moan escaped from me as I felt his erection spring free – the smooth, hot flesh coming in contact with my lower belly; so close to where I needed him, but not nearly close enough.

"Oh, God…yes, I want you." I dragged one hand up and over his shoulders to clench in his hair while I wrapped my other hand around him, forcing a strained groan from his beautiful lips. The vibration against my neck sent chills throughout my entire body. I hooked my toes in the loose denim and awkwardly tugged the jeans to his ankles, leaving the rest to him.

He held me steady, his hands forcefully gripping the backs of my thighs and keeping me from grinding against him as I would have liked while he kicked off his jeans. Hot swipes of tongue and grazes of teeth trailed up to my neck and over my chin, stopping when his lips were level with mine. The weight of his chest pressed me back against the wall, making me deliciously short of breath. His right hand dipped lower, his slightly rough fingertips opening me, exposing the sensitive flesh that was so eager for his touch.

"No one else will ever be right here," he whispered, swirling two fingers around and over the slick skin. An incoherent moan was all I was capable of as I dropped my forehead to his shoulder. His left hand slowly traced up my torso; hot fingers grazed my neck before wrapping around to hold the back of my head. "No one else will ever be _here_… I want to be the only one you think about."

"Oh, God," I groaned as he slipped his fingers inside me, my entire body arching involuntarily, my head knocking his hand against the wall with the sudden movement. "You are." My voice was a pitiful whimper, dazed and short of breath. I brought both hands to the sides of his face, tilting his head back so I could meet his eyes. Leaning in, I told him a secret. "I dream about you." The quiet words fell onto his lips as I spoke, our breath mingling in shallow gasps, and I could feel the self-satisfied smile that pulled at his lips.

"Same here." The whisper was all but inaudible, a low murmur meant for my lips – to feel, to drink it in.

I wanted to cry when he moved his fingers away, my eyes prickling with the sting of tears that I succeeded in fighting. Patience won out again; after a few moments of torment, he reached between us to guide himself inside me.

"Hold on to me," he grated, shifting his hips forward and filling me in one slow, heavy push. I clamped my arms and legs even more tightly about him, afraid he would disappear if I didn't hold him close enough. It was just like the dream I'd had after our first date – so intense and surreal I could hardly believe it was happening. He fucked me hard, his thrusts relentless and powerful as he pressed his forehead to mine. I reveled in his rough possession of my body, knowing that he desired my mind just as much. He threaded one hand between us to press it over my heart. "I'm right here, too, aren't I?" I nodded, grazing my cheek over his on my way to drop open mouthed kisses along his jaw. While his words weren't as explicit as in the dream, they were just as arousing and even more binding.

"I love you so much," I gasped, hitching my legs higher about his waist and bringing my other hand up to grasp his soft, tousled hair. His movements gentled at my words, slowing minutely until he was barely moving inside me. I looked up to meet his intense gaze as our bodies connected, becoming tied together with ethereal strands of nothingness that somehow meant everything. I found myself being carried into my bedroom, his arms wrapped tightly under my thighs, each step seeming to send him deeper inside me.

We stopped next to my bed and he slowly let me slip to the ground, severing our connection as he fastened his mouth to mine, tying me even closer to him than I thought possible. Each kiss seared my soul, melting it into glowing, molten drops that blended with his. Soft fingertips threaded through my hair as he tasted every inch of my mouth before he ended the kiss and brought his hands to hold my face. It was a simple gesture, one he'd done a hundred times, but it never failed to make me feel safe, cherished and, now, loved. I realized the last piece of that puzzle had been there all along, I'd just been too obtuse to see it.

"You're my life," he whispered, but it wasn't simply a sentence. The intensity of his gaze and the heat of his touch told me it was a vow. Before I had a chance to answer, he turned me to face the bed and placed me on the comforter, where he knelt over me. "You are beautiful… perfect… _mine,"_ he breathed, spending long moments simply skimming his hands over my back and hips.

It wasn't long before I felt his lips trailing kisses from my neck to between my shoulder blades while he lifted my hips so I was on my hands and knees. Leaning over me, he covered my breasts with his hands as he pushed my knees apart with his, his erection falling into place just before he thrust hard, sending him so deep inside me that I nearly screamed with the pleasure. I braced myself on my elbows, my fingers digging into the soft blankets.

"Shit…" His gravelly whisper sunk through my flesh, intensifying the fire deep within me. Neither of us moved, save the deep, rhythmic intake of breath. I clutched the bedding even tighter, squeezing my eyes shut, savoring the feel of him all around me. "God, it's never enough."

_No, it never is._

I could feel his hot, humid breath against my skin, sending chills prickling over my back. He licked a wet trail up my spine, ending at the nape of my neck before he shifted, forcing his knees even further between mine. I melted back into him when his arms tightened around me and he sat up, pulling me to his chest. He sat back on his heels, lifting me so we were both sitting upright.

"You're killing me," I forced out, hardly able to speak because of the sensations hitting me from every angle. His lips on my neck, his heat against my back, and his mastery of my body completely destroyed all intelligent processes my brain was capable of. My head dropped back onto his shoulder while he held me there, not moving, keeping me splayed out just the way he wanted me. He was overwhelming, filling me so deeply as he held me in place that I was all too willing to submit to anything he wished.

"Shh," he whispered, his breath heavy and hot as he nipped at my earlobe. "You feel so good..." A tiny nudge of his hips forced a whimper from my throat. "Nothing feels better than this."

I reached one hand behind my head and grasped at his hair, pressing his face closer to my neck. His fingertips grazed my ribs before smoothing slowly down my torso, the motion so infinitesimal that I could hardly tell he was moving. When he reached my sex, he tightened his grip and flexed his hips in a long, slow thrust. All I could do was moan as one fingertip slipped over my wet flesh, lubricating his finger before he flicked it gently over my clit. My toes curled, my spine arching against him as he shifted again, a short, hard movement that seated him even deeper. I grasped his wrist with my free hand, feeling the flex and pull of his muscles and tendons as he worked me.

"Please..." My breath hitched as he hit a particularly sensitive spot, and I gave up trying to talk.

"Hmmm...a wise woman told me the delay makes things that much better," he trailed off, the rough timbre of his voice just as arousing as his touch. I couldn't even be mad at the way he was obviously mocking me. "But I can't wait either – I love watching you come apart." He began moving steadily in short, subtle shifts of his hips, the fingers of one hand pinching my nipples before trailing up to hold my jaw, turning my face toward his. Deft fingertips rubbed tiny, steady circles right where I needed it, building the ball of fire in my belly until heat pulsed through my limbs with every beat of my heart. It was a delicious contrast; the soft, chaste kiss above and the most intimate connection below, his lips as gentle as his fingertips were ruthless. I couldn't hold back my orgasm, my body bowing into his, my fingers pulling at his hair and tightening around his wrist. A soft moan shuddered out of me, mostly muffled by his lips as he moved faster; the kiss changing into something much more explicit, becoming erratic and desperate.

"I want to see you." I needed to face him, to know that I could open my eyes to meet his, or catch him with his eyes closed as he concentrated. I wanted to make him come apart.

He said nothing, but his arms loosened and I slid down off of him, turning toward his kneeling frame. Blazing eyes met mine as he reached for me again, but I gave him a light push – just a slight pressure of my hands against his chest. He understood, stretching out on his back before me, taking my hands and pulling me over him. Positioning my knees on either side of his hips, I sank down, unable to control the tiny smile that curved my lips as he moaned loudly. I leaned forward to press my mouth to his as I began to move, swiveling my hips in the way that always set him off.

As I ended the kiss and raised myself to see him, I took a page from his repertoire, pulling his hands up over his head and holding them there, using our grip as leverage. He was getting close, his harsh breathing, the unrelenting pressure of his fingers against mine, and small moans telling me everything I needed to know. I clenched around him, knowing how it would affect him as I quickened my pace.

"Bella," he groaned, gritty and desperate, "I have to…I can't…"

"Give, Edward. Let me take you there," I whispered, my eyes locked on his as his whole body tensed. His hips jerked once, twice, before he ripped his hands from mine and gripped my shoulders, pulling me down on top of him and burying his face in the hollow between my neck and shoulder. One more fast, abrupt shift of his hips and he froze, a ragged groan escaping him as he came. When he relaxed back against the bed, I gently brushed the hair from his damp forehead, taking the time to study the face of the man I loved while his eyes were closed in bliss. I almost couldn't believe he was mine; I couldn't believe I'd found someone so perfect for me. But I had, and I'd never take him for granted.

"I love you," I whispered as his arms moved down to wrap around my waist. We were upside down on the bed, but I didn't care. I'd stay here for as long as he wanted me to. He shifted a bit and my old television came on.

"So _that's _what was digging into the back of my thigh!" He held up the remote control, waving it above our heads.

I let out a full on cackle at his obvious pride in figuring out the mystery.

"Don't laugh, it was uncomfortable." _Aww…that's my favorite grumble._

"Evidently not bad enough to stop," I teased though my stupid residual giggles.

"There's not much that is."

His grin was sweet and sexy as I pulled myself off of him to go take care of the mess. I pointed at the television as I walked past.

"Oooh, _Criminal Minds_. Awesome show. It has everything a girl could want: serial killers, profiling techniques, and Dr. Reid. He's hot." With that, I continued on my way to the bathroom, ignoring his growl.

When I was finished, I detoured to my closet on the way back to the bed, I grabbed the last present in my arsenal, covered in the third member of the _trifecta_ of offensive wrapping papers. I couldn't wait for the look on Edward's face when he took in the black paper with "Happy Fucking Birthday" printed in brightly colored letters. There were even balloons in the background.

This was the least expensive yet most important gift I had to give. It was simple. And it made me nervous.

As I left the closet, I noticed the TV was off. "No Dr. Reid?" I pretended to pout when he shook his head.

"You've got your own genius right here," he bragged. "And _I've_ got an _MD_. "

I shook my head. "All you "Doctor" types are always trying to claim superiority."

"You like me this way." _I cannot tell a lie…_

I almost tripped as I neared the bed, but tried my hardest to play it off as a sexy sway of my hips.

He snorted.

_Jerk._

Scooting closer to his long frame, I thrust the box at him with a pout. "You make fun of me, yet I still give you presents."

We lay on our sides, facing each other with the box in between us. He shook it experimentally, grinning at the sound.

"Sounds like candy."

"You'll have to open it to find out."

Ripping into the paper, he said, "Promise me you still have some of this gift wrap. You have to let me use some of it for Emmett's birthday."

"I do. The website quit selling it a while ago, and I stocked up before it was gone."

"She's so practical, my girl." He finally opened the top of the box and his face lit up. "Reese's cups!"

"Reese's Peanut _Butter Cups_," I clarified, adding extra emphasis to needle him.

"I don't care. These are delicious." I reached for one and he snatched the box out of my reach. "These are all mine."

Sticking my tongue out at him, I lurched forward to steal one anyway.

"Are you sure that's all that's in there?" I asked nervously, suddenly finding a huge fucking interest in unwrapping and eating the candy.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him dump the contents onto the mattress. I suddenly needed another peanut butter cup to calm my nerves, but I made the mistake of catching his gaze as I reached for the candy and dropped my hand. He was holding the plain white card I'd placed in the bottom and wearing my favorite smile. The one I liked to think of as only for me.

"Really?" he asked, gesturing with the card. I nodded. "Wow."

"Well it's not that much." I didn't see what the big deal was. He hadn't even looked inside the card flap yet.

"Oh, Bella, you've underestimated me," he gloated, holding up the card so he could read aloud. "One freebie date activity, no questions asked."

"Yeah," I answered, saying it slowly so he'd understand I thought he was being dumb without coming right out and saying it.

The smugness emanating from him was so thick I could have buttered my morning toast with it.

His grin shrunk to that sexy, one-sided smirk. "No revenge dates allowed?"

"Revenge dates? What do you mean?" I was lost, probably because about half of my brain cells were still passed out from earlier.

"You can't come back the next time with something you know will be unpleasant, like watching The Notebook together or taking a field trip to the cattle farm to see how they inseminate a cow."

"Wow, those _are_ horrible," I laughed. "Why would I want to punish myself, too? I might find those two more offensive than you do." It wasn't an untrue statement. "Done. No revenge activities."

"No questions asked." I was getting impatient with his interrogation.

"None," I said, repeating it slowly once again. I added in a very non-sexy lift of my eyebrow. While his raised eyebrows could mean anything, I only had two distinct versions: sexy and non-sexy. It was also possible that my sexy version was nonexistent.

"Be ready to say yes when I come up with it." Sly couldn't even begin to describe the way he delivered that sentence. It was almost diabolical.

"Yeah, sure," I said warily, ready for him to find the gift I was really nervous about. The certificate had been more of a joke than anything. _I mean, it's win-win. I get to spend time with Edward. Enough said._

"There's one more thing." _Crap, this was a bad idea...just because he wanted me to get my locks changed doesn't mean he wants a key for himself!_

"Oh," he murmured, lifting the flap. _Too late_.

"You said I should change my locks," I said, awkwardly trying to break the silence. "So I changed them." _Shit. Awkward Bella is awkward_. "That's the spare key. So you can come over whenever you want." I forced myself to nibble on my thumbnail so I wouldn't continue to dry heave lame responses.

He took in a huge breath and let it out slowly, remaining silent for longer than I wanted. "You don't have to move in with me, I just wanted you to be able to come and go as you please. You know…if you want." _Why the fuck do I suddenly feel like I'm fifteen? Did he screw a whole decade off my life?_

"You have no idea just how much I'd like to come and go as I please." His eyes were warm but intense, and I had to admit, the phrase _come and go as I please_ sounded a hell of a lot dirtier when he said it. And a whole lot more fun. I melted.

_God, I'm so freaking easy._

_

* * *

  
_

_A/N: Whew, that was a long one! Hope you enjoyed it or maybe even had a few laughs to get you over that "OMG Imma strangle mah parentz" feeling._

_The response to my little fic here has been amazing. I thank each and every one of you who read. I think it's awesome anyone ever gave this thing a chance anyway. _

_So, until next time, Merry Christmas, Happy Chinese food and Movie day (to my Jewish friends), Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus...whatever. _

_Looking for something new to read?_

Rusted Cars and Court Room Polka _by _LaraIsAwkward

_It's funny, hot and fluffy. She's linked as one of my favorite authors on my profile._


	25. Chapter 25: It's a Peacock Thing

Hello all! I know it's been a while.

I don't own _Twilight _or anything else you recognize, including (but not limited to) _Labyrinth, Ghostbusters II, Dexter _or _Who Framed Roger Rabbit._ All recognizable characters are the property of their respective authors/owners.

This chapter is for EchoesOfTwilight, my beta, the Clarice to my Hannibal, because she's simply amazing. She's claimed WiPward for her own, and he's pretty happy about it. Give her stories a shot – you won't be disappointed.

Special warm and fuzzy hugs to LaraIsAwkward – I'd stuff unmentionable things with cream cheese for you.

To the LoD: thanks for keeping me company in the secret volcano lair, and for telling me to keep going when I was _thisclose_ to finishing this thing and couldn't figure it out.

Grab a snack, everyone...this is ridiculously long.

* * *

**Chapter 25: It's a Peacock Thing**

The restaurant was dead. It was the Thursday before Independence Day, and it seemed like everyone had gotten the hell out of town for a four-day weekend. It was nine p.m., and I'd made a total of twelve dollars in tips – and I'd been here since we opened at four.

It was one of those workdays I absolutely hated: long and boring, with nothing to keep my mind occupied. In result, all I could think of was what I'd _rather_ be doing than working.

I'd _rather _be writing. _That's a given_.

I'd _rather_ be cleaning out my refrigerator. _Not really_.

I'd _rather_ attend a birthday party with scary clowns. _Holy shit!_

_**None of those are pleasant, Bella. You know what we'd rather be doing…**_

_I'm sure I could guess_.

I looked up at the sound of two familiar, laughing voices, just in time to see Rose and Alice waltz in as if they owned the place. And if I wasn't mistaken, they were a little tipsy. Rose caught one of her high heels in the carpet and swayed a bit as she walked.

_Okay, so maybe they're _just_ this side of drunk_…

"Bella!" Alice shouted, skipping over to me. _Oh, Lord…that's dangerous…the tables…drunk Alice!_

"Hi, girls," I greeted with a wry smile. "Can I offer you two a glass of water? I think you might need some."

"We're just fine," Rose said, slapping her palm on the bar and leaning forward. "Come on. We're going out."

"Yes, Bella. We were out to dinner and then we started talking about you, and then I had this great idea that it would be really fun if you were with us, so here we are!" When Alice finished speaking, it took my brain a good two seconds to catch up. _Holy Speedtalker, Batman!_ She spoke faster than that Micro Machines guy.

Rose turned to her, mouthing, "Slow down!"

Wow. This could be interesting. The people-watching – _I mean, a great girls' night out – _wouldbe epic.

"As much as I'd love to join you, I'm closing tonight."

Rose looked around at the obviously empty restaurant. "Looks like you guys are already closed."

"It's a little…slow tonight." I shrugged, getting out two glasses of water for them anyway.

"Can you get off early? Please?" _Tell me Alice did not just say "please" like Roger Rabbit_. "P-bbb-weaze!"

Oh, God. She _did_. I covered my mouth to hide my amusement.

"Come on, Alice, don't start with that shit. Roger Rabbit was cool about twenty years ago."

"Shut it, Kelly McGillis!" Alice shot back, causing me to burst out laughing. "How's L. Ron doing lately?"

Alice and I laughed harder, while Rose silently fumed. I quickly poured her a shot of Patron, giving her top-shelf liquor only because I didn't want to chance receiving some of her ire. She slammed it back before I could even dig out a lime for her, but she waved it off.

"You don't need limes with good tequila," she wheezed, the words coming out in an alcohol-scented rush. Turning to Alice, she said, "I will deal with you at an appropriate time…when you least expect it."

At this point, it occurred to me that they might _need_ me to go with them. As a chaperone.

"Rose, Alice? Can you girls sit tight for a second? I'm going to go ask Angela if I can leave early." I patted both their hands as they settled onto a couple barstools without incident.

"Bella?" Alice asked in an overly quiet voice. "Can you give me a shot of that tequila?"

"I'll make you a deal. If I can get off, I'll go with you, and you'll get your shot of tequila, Alice."

"Sounds great," Rose interrupted, waving me away. Alice just nodded thoughtfully, her hand echoing Rose's movement so perfectly it was kind of creepy. Put Alice in a blonde wig and she could have been Rose's Mini Me.

"Okay," I agreed, drawing out the word. Seriously. It was _that_ creepy.

I found Angela in the back office, doing whatever it was that managers did. I sort of knew, for emergencies, but it had been a while since I'd learned. I figured I'd wing it if I had to. _I'm a rebel_.

"Hey there," I sang, batting my eyelashes at her.

"What do you want?" she asked, rolling her eyes at my exaggerated tactics.

"Rose and Alice stopped by. They want me to go out with them. Tonight. Now." Damn it! It didn't matter that Angela was my friend, I _always_ had trouble asking for things work-related. "I'd like to leave early." _There_.

"Actually, I'd be glad to get out of this office. I can watch the bar."

"Thank you, Angela! You should meet us when you get out of here."

_Crap, I'm such a shitty friend. "Hi, Angela, can you do my work for me while I go have fun?"_

"I can see those wheels spinning back there, Bella," she laughed, standing up to walk me back to the bar. "It's fine. And if you're still out when I get off work, I _will _kick your ass. Didn't you say you were having _company _tonight?" Her eyebrows rose dramatically as she fanned herself. "I'm feeling a little flushed. Doctor? Doctor!" she teased.

The girls took out their syringe of paralytic anesthetic, flicking bubbles to the surface before setting it to the side and gathering their blood slide materials.

_**Does Angela fit the code?**_

Oh, God. _No, girls. No_.

As much as this scared me, it also made me sad. It meant that I'd have to stop watching so much _Dexter_.

I smacked her lightly on the shoulder as we entered the pass-through. Rose and Alice waved from the bar, laughing their drunk asses off at something on the television.

"Hush! You're making me wish I hadn't done almost everything on the closing checklist."

"I can always rescind my offer, Bella."

"Ooh, nice vocab, Ang!" I laughed, pantomiming a high-five from the other end of the bar. I gathered my things and decided I could use a quick stop in the bathroom just to make sure I didn't look weird. This was going to be fun. I'd spend a few really fun hours with Rose and Alice, make sure they didn't go climbing any pool fences or anything, and go home to wait for Edward.

Perfect.

**~*^*~**

My _perfect_ night didn't turn out so well. When I tried to remember how it had gotten this out of hand, all I could recall was ordering one glass of wine. What I'd failed to realize was that my glass never seemed to decrease in volume.

How had I fallen for such an old trick? Those harpies somehow kept my drink full until I was too far gone to care that they were padding my wineglass. It was almost admirable. Before I knew it, I was having a blast, laughing my ass off at Rose and Alice, and pretty close to drunk. Hanging out with these two gave me more information that I ever wanted to know about Jasper and Emmett, and to some extent, Dr. Hoo-Ha.

_Shit. I did not just call him that._

I was amazed at Rose's talent for keeping unwanted lingerers away. I'd never seen so many men in my life. That must be the trick to meeting men: go out and act like guys don't exist and they come _to you_. After Rose dismissed the most recent group with a flippant "Keep on truckin' away from here, my friends" and a wave of her hand, they all turned away, shuffling off like sheep.

"So, Bella," Alice said slyly, leaning toward me. "Have you decided to come to Hawaii with all of us?"

_No. I do not want to talk about this tonight…_

But I _was_ kind of mad that he hadn't said anything to me. Devil Bella poked the side of my head from her perch on my shoulder. I knew what she wanted, and I had just enough wine in me to give it to her.

"Well…he hasn't asked." _There. I said it. Happy now, Devil Bella? Because I'm not!_

"Are you kidding me?" they both asked in a rush.

"No need to squeal, guys," I complained, putting my hands up to my ears for a second.

"I can't believe him," Alice muttered, crossing her arms over her chest and slumping back into the booth. "You ask a guy what he wants for his birthday and he tells you the only thing he wants is to relax with his girl, so you get the family together to pitch in for the girl's tickets to a beach paradise…" As before, my brain needed a couple seconds to catch up with Alice's motor mouth.

"Wait – what?" I demanded, my head stuck on one tiny little part of Alice's rambling mess of a speech. "He really said that?" _And did she just say they bought me a Hawaiian vacation? _

Alice looked at me with a puzzled expression. "Said what?"

"You said he told you that all he wanted for his birthday was to spend time with me?" _Wait a minute...what makes them think I can't afford to pay on my own? I _can't, _of course, but that doesn't matter..._ _Why hasn't the big jerk just _asked_ me?_

"Well, yeah," they both answered. Another Mini Me moment for Alice and Rose. I should have been creeped out.

Half of me was melted goo; however, the other half was jumpier than that river of pink slime in _Ghostbusters II_. Put me in a toaster and play me some Jackie Wilson, and I was good to go. "_Your love keeps liftin' me..."_

Oh, boy. How had I turned into such a lightweight?

I scanned the little dance floor that managed to hold way too many people than I was comfortable with. If I stared long enough, I could make out couples dancing in completely embarrassing ways. Jesus, I even recognized some of the moves Edward had tried on me in the bedroom!

Edward. Bedroom. Time to go!

_Eleven-thirty…shit! Edward will be there by now!_

Before I knew it, my fingers were churning out a text message, and the drunk texting began.

**Be home soon. Was kidnapped by your sister. **

He replied immediately.

**Uh-oh. Need reinforcements? **

_Aww. I love him so much_.

**Not sure. Will let you know. 3 **

_Well, crap. _If I was busting out the hearts, I really _was_ gone.

**Ok. See you soon. **

I waited a minute, trying to break into Alice and Rose's extreme in-depth conversation about their favorite pie fillings. When it was obvious I wasn't going to be able to interrupt anytime soon, I turned back to the phone. With its extra-tempting QWERTY keyboard.

**What are you wearing?**

_I can't believe I did that!_

**Rose, did you steal Bella's phone?**

_Oh, he's gonna get it._

**This is not Rose. Does this look like Rose's cleavage?**

Like the true moron I was, I snapped a quick picture of my rather modest neckline and getting a pretty surprising response.

**I make it a point to ignore Rose's cleavage. **

**Keep those tits covered. Those are for my eyes only. **

_Crude language from a mouth that beautiful…I'm in heaven. Aww, I love him again. _

**Good answer, my love. Now tell me what you're wearing.**

I giggled at the phone on my lap, all thoughts of talking to my partners in crime forgotten. I might have let a tiny squeak escape when it vibrated with Edward's return text.

**Pants. **

_He's so funny. And I am so drunk_.

**Is that all, lover boy? Are you going commando? **

_Oh, shit. Someone please cut off my fingers or at the very least, take away my phone. Cancel my text plan! Anything!_

He was fast with his next response, this one coming almost on the heels of my most recent text.

**I** **think it's time for you to come home, Bella. Tell Alice it's time to go.**

Wonderful idea. _Why didn't I think of that first?_ "Rose, Alice, it's time to go," I said, a little too loudly.

Rose started to agree, but Alice was more stubborn. "No, Bella, we need one more drink." She nodded resolutely, as if her decree was law. _This could be trouble…_ I focused on the phone in my hands, with its ever-shrinking keys. Letters swam little synchronized patterns as I concentrated. The girls asked if they could have synchronized swimmer uniforms.

**Alice doesn't wanna. Help. **

I waited; nervously awaiting his answer like it was the most important thing in the universe. Feeling that eerie sensation of being watched, I looked up into Rosalie's anxious face.

"This is what she _does_, Bella! It's how she always gets me in over my head! She gets drunk fast, but she _maintains_," she stressed.

Edward's answer was now more important than _ever._

_Why the hell hasn't he answered? Crap, what if he's mad? I'm going home, plastered, where my recovering alcoholic boyfriend is waiting for me. _I couldn't think about that. If I let the utter _crappiness _of that reality upset me, I would start bawling like a helpless little baby tucked under Britney Spears' arm.

"Whatchu' two talking aboot?" Alice asked. Apparently, she speaks in a Canadian accent when drunk.

Even though it was _rude_, I pointed at her. "We're talking about you, Sneaky McSneakerson!" – I may have slurred a couple of those "s" sounds – "We are done drinking. Edward says it's time to go." _She is Devil Bella! But if Alice is Devil Bella...does that mean Rose is Angel Bella? She _is_ on my side in this…_

The phone vibrated again. This was it.

**Tell Sis I called J. Where are you?**

I didn't hesitate. Edward was my General and I was following his orders. Okay, that sounded a bit weird…

_**Yes, Bella! Private Benjamin and GI Jane, at your service**__. _

Determined to ignore them, I thought about which order to complete first.

"Where are we, Alice?" I knew we were at some Irish pub in the U-district. Alice said as a Cullen, she should have a few drinks at a proper Irish bar at least once in her life.

My personal opinion, I kept to myself. I had a sneaking suspicion this wasn't the first time she'd tossed a few back in an "authentic Irish setting."

"Umm," she screwed up her face in thought, then suddenly, she was smiling. "The Galway something!"

I searched around the table for a menu, specials list, anything that might identify my location. _I really need to pay better attention to my surroundings. If my life was a horror movie, I'd be dead by now_. Finding nothing on the tabletop to give me any clues, I suddenly noticed Alice's collection of plastic cups. Five pint-sized glasses were lined up in a neat row, and she was nursing a sixth. Each cup represented a pint of Harp. It was impressive. But the most important thing was this: printed right on the side was the name and address. The Galway Arms. _Huh…pretty Irish. Alice can definitely check this one off her list of things to do in life._ I texted him the address and name of the bar, letting him know I'd call a cab.

His next message was immediate, telling me to stay put. Jasper was coming to pick up Alice and Rose, since they lived close to one another. I felt pretty guilty that Edward would be out carting around his irresponsible girlfriend in the wee hours of the morning, but I'd make it worth his while...

_**Bella? It's not even midnight. You still have five minutes**__._

_They can_ tell time? _Watch out, world_…

"Edward is coming to pick me up, girls," I said, drawing boos from Alice and a sigh of relief from Rose. "Jasper is coming to get you two."

"Aww, he sent Jasper after me? Crap," Alice complained, sighing heavily. "Fine. Let's close out our tab." She waved the waitress over and took care of the bill. I let her, because as I reached into my bag to grab some cash, Edward walked in the door.

Wow. Remember that moment when Dr. Frankenstein finally animates his Monster?

"_It's aliiiive_…" _Yeah. That was me_. He walked through the threshold, and I turned into a freaking lightning rod. His jeans were worn and wrinkled, as rumpled as his shiny hair; and just over a day's growth of whiskers shadowed his jaw. He looked like he'd just rolled out of bed – and I was going to push him right back into it. Naked.

"Bye-bye, girls!" I called, waving absently as I slid out of the booth. _I'm going to go have some sex_.

His eyes met mine and I _swear to fucking God_, I couldn't look away even if I'd wanted to. I didn't wait around – I flat out ditched my friends, breaking the friend code, but they'd gotten me too drunk to care. On autopilot, I easily made my way across the crowded floor to stand in front of him and threw my arms around his neck.

"Thanks for coming to get me." I was out of breath, from the alcohol and possibly from the sight of him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he laughed into my hair. I deliberately ignored the decidedly patronizing tone of his voice. It got much easier when he finally wrapped his arms around me and rocked side to side with me in a strange little combination of a hug and a…dance?

"Are we dancing?" We were just on the edge of the little floor, there by chance, somewhere in the middle of where we'd each started.

"Not really. Is your head spinning?"

I pulled back for a second and gave him the stink eye. "No!"

"Do you _want_ to dance?"

I shook my head, a silly smile plastered across my face. "Not if you don't want to."

"We should probably head back when Jasper gets here, but there's no way I'm leaving until Alice and Rose are headed home safely. Dad would put his foot in my ass if I didn't."

I leaned into him, pressing the full length of my body against his. "It's a good thing you're here to keep me in line. I was ready to ditch them. Totally breaks the girl code," I admitted in an exaggerated whisper.

"Who would have taken you for a bad girl?" he asked, a wicked tone coloring his voice. _Holy Harry Clearwater's fish fry in a crunchy cornmeal crust! The man kills me with the _worst_ lines_…

Shrugging, I grinned up at him while I let my fingertips play in his hairline high on the back of his neck, rubbing soft little circles on either side of his spine.

"I'm trying it out. Do you like bad girls?" _Oh, my God, what is coming out of my mouth?_ His lips parted on a gust of air and I swear his eyes bugged out just a little bit. I mentally prepared myself for laughter or ridicule, but then the shock wore off. His gaze got hotter and his entire expression became more firm, somehow.

_**We like this. We like this very, very much.**_

_I will _not _be disagreeing, girls._

He sighed, one hand sweeping up my back to play in my hair. "If you're going to be the bad girl, I'll be happy to play along." A single fingertip trailed through the fine hairs at the nape of my neck.

"That's good to know," I said, sounding like I was being strangled. _What the hell is he doing to me? _ I fell into a tractor beam stupor as he drew his finger over the hollow behind my ear before sliding his hand back into my hair.

I _shivered_.

Praying I didn't look like I was having a seizure, I clenched my jaw…and I might have moaned a little bit. It was that powerful.

_And maybe I'm _that_ drunk. Well, what's that sports motto? "Go big or go home?"_

I was going big.

**~*^*~**

The next morning, I awoke to a rather interesting phone call from Charlie. It left me surprised and pleased; I spent the rest of the morning with a half-smile on my face as I mulled it all over. I thought he might finally be coming around to the idea of Edward and me. And I knew that Charlie's aversion to Edward hadn't been directed at him as a _person_, but at the man who was dating his only daughter.

_**Charlie should be proud that his daughter is going to make babies with such a wonderful specimen**_.

_Whoa – wait a minute, girls. No one is having any babies. I am far too immature to be a role model for a helpless, inarticulate, squirmy, soft-skinned, sweet-smelling, cuddly… Crap! No babies._

In a way, I was glad for the distraction of Charlie's phone call. It gave me something other than guilt to focus on, which worked, for the most part. But when it didn't, I felt like an utter shit for getting trashed and falling all over Edward like I'd done last night. I couldn't let myself dwell on it, though, since it hadn't seemed to bother him. That didn't lessen the guilt. I still wanted him to know I was sorry. Pushing those thoughts aside, I forced myself to roll out of bed.

After getting ready for the day, I wandered to the kitchen to make some coffee. There was a note on the counter; half a piece of notebook paper with Edward's bold, wide scrawl sprawling over pale blue college rule.

_Bella –_

_Want to bring lunch to the hospital at 11:30?  
Please, make an honest man out of me.  
Some people are insinuating that I made you up._

_Love,_

_Edward_

_P.S. – You might want to drink a large glass of water._

That one little note brought me to the bowels of the earth, carrying two delicious sandwiches and two bottles of soda. I wouldn't starve – for a few days, at least. If I rationed my food properly…

Edward's office was in a part of the hospital I'd never visited before. And for all my familiarity with medical treatment, I still couldn't successfully navigate the hospital halls. I was positive it must be harder than making the summit of Mt. Everest. Not that I would know, as I'd never accomplished either one.

Trying to get from one end of UW Medical Center to the other always made me feel like I'd been dropped into Jennifer Connolly's role in _Labyrinth_ – completely lost, afraid of all the weird people, yet strangely attracted to the aloof dude with the wild hair...

_Wait…am I seriously comparing Edward to Jareth? _

Bowie _was_ kind of hot – even with all the eye makeup – for the Goblin King. But who was I kidding? Not even Ziggy Stardust could compare to Edward.

I turned a corner, nearly plowing into a gurney and putting my hands out to stop the impact. My palms landed on something soft…and sort of cold. A ripe odor hit my nostrils and I wrinkled my nose, still not completely knocked out of my _Labyrinth_ day-mare. _This thing must be headed for the Bog of Eternal Stench, A.K.A. the morgue._

_Am I touching a dead person? Gross, yet…cool?_ I yanked my hands away, wiping them on my skirt.

"Bella?" The voice was warm with recognition and surprise, drawing my attention up to familiar deep blue eyes, the color so dark I could barely tell the pupil from the iris.

The laugh lines were new, but the rest of him was all Peter. Same thick, black hair, same medium frame; though he'd filled out since I'd seen him last. Speak of the damn devil. What were the odds of running into him here, let alone now? Covering my dismay, I put on my Bella Happy Face, the one I used at work.

"Peter Brady! How the hell are you?"

He laughed, the sound familiar, yet still somewhat annoying. "I'm well, Bella Swan. You haven't changed a bit, I see. Then again, why mess with perfection?"

"Oh, how I love empty flattery," I joked, awkwardly reaching up to brush a bothersome lock of hair from my cheek, before remembering that I'd possibly touched a dead person. I'd just deal with the itch. His eyes followed the motion of my hand and he laughed when I yanked it down to my side again.

Thrusting his hand forward so I'd be forced to shake it, he said, "It's in a body bag, Bella. And there's enough 'antibac' in this place to sanitize a ball pit at McDonald's. You'll be okay."

"Obviously you haven't been in a ball pit lately," I returned with a grin as I shook his hand.

_**And we're not going anywhere near his balls ever again…**_

_Well, at least they only desire to procreate with male members of the Cullen family. Except for Meat Sweats. The girls must be afraid of Rosalie._

He laughed, this time throwing his head back. "Is that where you're spending your time? You'd better hope Chris Hansen doesn't find out."

I couldn't believe I was discussing _To Catch a Predator_ for the second time in as many weeks. I told him as much, and we shared another laugh. I learned he was a pathologist's assistant in the morgue, which explained the dead person on a gurney. I mentally scolded myself for toying with the idea of asking Peter to take a peek inside the bag before he wheeled it away.

He agreed to show me how to find Edward's office just outside of the BMT unit, but I had to wait in the hallway for him to make his "delivery" before he could act as my Sherpa through the hospital corridors. I didn't have to wait long before he returned, rubbing his hands briskly, the stringent scent of antibacterial gel filling my nose. I got my own palmful of the cold goop as soon as I could, hurrying along behind him as I killed the dead person germs. It was easy to slip back into the old routine, where he would ramble on and I would pretend to listen. That had always been a problem in our relationship. Peter talked enough for the both of us. Mostly about himself.

As we made our way through what seemed like the very bowels of the hospital (in my opinion, hospital employees always took the most asinine "shortcuts"), I concentrated on memorizing landmarks so I could find my way back if I had to. Leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to mark my path was starting to sound like a great idea.

"So, how do you know Dr. Cullen?" he asked, quirking a dark, sort of bushy eyebrow in my direction.

I smirked at him. "He has a key to my apartment. How much further?" I asked, attempting to make him walk a little faster, with no success.

"Does he water your plants, or something?"

"Or something," I laughed. Boy could not take a hint. He never could. "Not that it's any of your business, Peter, but Edward – that's Dr. Cullen – are…um…together." _FUCK, FUCK…I'm making a royal mess out of this!_

"You and the Emo Hemo guy, huh?"

"Yeah, Peter. Me and the Emo Hemo guy," I intoned as clearly as possible. _Not gonna happen, One-Eyed Pete_…

"So this is serious," he said, posing it like the statement it was.

"Yeah." I smiled, recalling the feeling I was blessed with each time I saw him. "Really serious."

"What's serious?" I heard Edward's smooth voice call from behind me and whirled to see him, barely managing to keep my feet from sprinting in his direction.

"Edward, hi!" I fidgeted, panicking when I wasn't sure if it was okay to hug him at work. But I couldn't keep my excitement at seeing him out of my face, and he knew it. He smiled my special, different smile and pulled me close for a hug…right there in front of Peter. _Oh, boy…let the posturing begin._

"Glad you made it," he whispered as we separated, both of us stepping back just a tiny bit.

My eyes were glued to his face. "Me too," I laughed breathlessly, finally glancing at Peter for a second before my attention gravitated back toward Edward. He gave me a knowing look, daring me to keep watching him, even though I was probably being very rude, ignoring Peter in such a blatant way.

"Edward, this is Peter Brady, from Forks. We went to high school together."

Edward stuck out his hand and we both turned to look at Peter, moving in unison like those creepy twins from _The Great Outdoors._ "Edward Cullen. Nice to meet you, Peter."

"Likewise," Peter replied, a slightly strained smile on his face. I peeked at their hands, trying to see if they were squeezing the stuffing out of one another, but it was over before I could tell for sure.

"Your last name's really Brady?" Edward joked, trying not to laugh. His eyes shone in easy, playful amusement as he took a little step in my direction – not nearly close enough to be inappropriate, but I definitely noticed. I suddenly became lost in a _Scrubs_-style daydream where I shoved Peter away and latched onto Edward like a sloth hugged its favorite tree.

"Yep. I know," Peter was saying, "But give my parents a break; they're Russian immigrants. Our name used to be Bradovsky."

"Your parents totally knew what they were doing!" I laughed. "They had a weird sense of humor."

Peter shrugged. "I kind of leave that part out now, Bel. It works better with the ladies."

I raised an eyebrow at him. _He hasn't called me "Bel" once today, and he picks _now_ to use a pet name? _I could almost _feel_ Edward go up a level in his potential competitor warning system. When I chanced a look in his direction, he appeared just fine. _But why the hell is my hair standing on end? _Deciding this conversation needed a U-turn, I began running my mouth. _That never goes wrong, right?_

"They obviously didn't realize what kind of torture he'd get from all the other kids," I said. "It even extended to his friends. Anyone who hung out with him was part of the Brady Bunch."

"Torture? More like extreme annoyance." Peter rolled his eyes and pretended to elbow me, smiling in my direction in a way I wasn't entirely sure I liked.

I turned to Edward and said, deadpan, "He liked his place as the king of the nerds."

Peter leered at me. "It got me you, didn't it?"

This, I definitely did _not_ like.

My eyebrows did not rise. I did not gasp.

_**What the hell is he doing, Bella? Destroy him! He's ruining our chance to make babies with the Precious!**_

My _eyebrow_ twitched. Twitched! The rest of my face was frozen, and I was fuming. Not once had I considered that Peter would start this…this…pissing contest when I'd flat out told him I was with Edward.

Peter's fuckery certainly drew Edward's complete attention. I saw the little crease appear between his brows as he looked from Peter to me. His fingers twitched at his side, as if near an imaginary six-shooter – and he was itching for the trigger.

The girls whistled the theme to _Gunsmoke_, one lonely, echoing time, accompanied by the screech of a red-tailed hawk in the distance. I might have heard one lone, lingering Wilhelm Scream.

"Teenage stupidity," I said flatly in explanation, giving Peter a timid version of Rosalie's Death Glare.

Edward smirked at Peter, angling his body toward me slightly, subtly trying to exclude the other man from the conversation. It made me feel warm and fuzzy, his nearness setting the girls a-buzzing. If I could trust any of those idiotic body language articles I'd read in _Cosmo_, Edward wanted me – bad.

This was a very, very good thing. I was afraid he'd be mad at me. I'd mentioned an ex named Peter, but I'd failed to introduce him as such just now. _Because I'm a 'fraidy-cat. A big, fat pussy_.

I watched as Edward stood a little taller, his normally straight and proud shoulders held back just a tiny bit more than usual.

Edward was jealous, and I liked it. Thank goodness for his inner cave-man.

_How cave-woman of me!_

"So, Bella, what did you bring for lunch?" Edward placed his hand on my upper arm in a touch that would outwardly seem professional and cordial. But to me, it was different, and I knew it was for him, as well. I felt the warm imprint of his fingers long after his hand dropped away.

"Well, I was going to make you something, but I had a bit of a late night."

I didn't miss the quiet, smug chuckle that escaped his lips. "Oh, I know," he said softly.

I paused, clearing my throat in embarrassment and rooting around in my messenger bag. "So I ran by and picked us up a couple sandwiches."

"Only a couple?" Peter pouted.

"Sorry, Pete," Edward said with a grin. "My office is a little cramped, anyway. There's barely room for two in there as it is." He finally leaned forward and took my hand, starting off down the hall to his office.

I waved goodbye to the jerk, smiling when he frowned at being called Pete. I knew he hated it. "Bye, Pete! Thanks for the directions," I called, just as Edward yanked me inside and shut the door. He took the bag from my shoulders and tossed it into the chair opposite his desk. I set up our lunch on the end of his desk, trying not to drop lettuce everywhere while doing it, which was virtually impossible.

I looked around, trying to glean any kind of information from the items Edward kept in his office. _Damn…I've been watching too many episodes of _Criminal Minds_._

"It really _is _cramped in here. I thought you were fibbing."

He smiled, shaking his head. "Unfortunately not."

Edward took his normal seat, eyeing me mockingly as I grabbed a Diet Coke out of my bag. His face fell at first, but when I pulled out a regular Coke, his expression immediately changed to one of joy.

"I love you," he sighed before taking a reverent sip. "You have no idea how much I needed this. I hate getting up at five." His brow creased in a cute little scowl. I moved to sit in the guest chair, but Edward interrupted me. "Come here."

The girls leered at the Precious, inviting him in for "champagne," just like Christopher Walken in "The Continental" sketches on SNL.

"Come where?"

I continued to ignore the girls. _Trust me; you don't even _want_ to know what they said._

"Sit right here." He pointed to the center of the desk and moved the single open chart out of the way. "Hop on up," he urged, and if I wasn't mistaken, he was using just a _hint_ of the sex voice.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little interested in seeing where this might be going.

_**Maybe he'll show us his etchings, Bella**_.

_Etchings? Are they_ shitting _me?_

Mindful of my skirted state, I crossed my legs, tucking the extra linen under me. After ripping his eyes from my calves, he handed me a sandwich with a smirk. He could have been handing me a five dollar tuna salad foot-long and I would have taken it – all because of that look. We ate in silence for what was probably a minute, but it seemed like hours to me. Between the knot of excitement I always felt with him and the slightly traumatized haze I still wore from the meeting of two competitors in the hospital hallway, I felt as twitchy as a chalky-lipped crack addict.

"Now what?" I asked warily before taking a small bite. He moved forward until his thigh brushed my calf and then leaned back in his chair.

"We eat lunch," he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Okay…that's what we're _doing_." I took another bite, chewing and swallowing before he pounced.

"So that's the ex? Peter _Brady?_" He was having a hard time with his serious face.

"Yes," I sighed, sitting there with my eyes closed, waiting for either the third degree or ridicule. I wasn't sure which one I'd prefer. When neither reaction was forthcoming, I cracked open my eyes to find him watching me with an intensity that made me want to squirm in my seat. "What?"

He smirked. "Your high school boy-toy?"

"Edward, please do not say 'boy-toy.' It's just wrong, especially from a man that I regularly see naked. And yes, he was my boyfriend until we went to separate colleges." I took another bite of the sub, my tension dissipating at the rich sound of his laughter. "He was my first, actually," I added as an afterthought, attacking my sandwich again. I hadn't realized it until now, but I was starving. Missing breakfast was never a good idea for me. It made me eat like a pig for the rest of the day.

I was too engrossed in my delicious ham and processed cheese to notice that Edward had been silent for a few minutes. I knew by now that a silent Edward was usually a scheming Edward. When I looked up, there was a speculative and almost predatory gleam in his eye as he stared at my legs.

My stuck-up brain rolled her eyes at his primitive glance, muttering about his barbaric tendencies needing radio-carbon dating.

The girls fluffed their feather boas and reclined on mini chaise-lounges, striking similar seductive poses.

_Sorry, brain…the girls win…this time._

The sandwich had turned into a tasteless ball of bread in my mouth, and I finished the bite with a gulp of diet Coke as he relaxed a bit, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. I raised my eyebrows questioningly, wondering if he was just going to watch me eat my lunch.

"He was your first?" Something was off about this tiny, little innocuous question. _Why is that so important? I'll never understand the male brain._

I nodded, wrapping up the rest of my sandwich to save for later. "Yeah, my first boyfriend. What did you think I meant?"

Edward sat up, tossing the remains of his lunch into the trash. He had to lean past my legs to reach, and I tried not to visibly shiver at the way his chest pressed into my thigh, his face coming _really_ close to a couple of his favorite pillows. I could feel the flutter of his breath through the thin barrier of my shirt as he chuckled softly and stood. He didn't back away, standing so close that I imagined I could feel the heat radiating from his skin.

My eyes were fixed at the top of his shirt, the top button left open. I wanted to put my finger right above that first button, to touch that smooth, warm skin, just because I could. Because he would _let me._

Then I wanted to rip open his shirt to see his bare skin…but he could leave the white coat on.

"Guess," he murmured teasingly, placing his palm just above my knee. My eyes shot to his in surprise, because it occurred to me how my poorly chosen words could be misconstrued.

Or rather, not _misconstrued, per se, _since that particular fact was _also_ true.

"That's not what I meant!" I rushed out. I forced myself to keep my lips shut after that. I wasn't sure I wanted to have this conversation in his office, and I didn't trust my traitorous mouth not to land me in a whole lot of shit. Meeting someone that's slept with your girlfriend is probably never a great thing for a guy. Hell, I could only imagine the rage I'd feel at meeting one of Edward's past girlfriends.

The girls pictured themselves as ova-filled hand grenades, complete with little tags tied to the pins that read, "Pull me."

He leaned forward, planting his palms on the desk at either side of my hips. I swallowed hard, sitting up a bit straighter and uncrossing my legs. Edward took advantage of my nervous movement and stepped right between my knees, close enough to torture me, but not nearly as close as I wanted him.

"So," he sighed, seemingly reading my mind and leaning closer. I could feel his breath on my neck; hear the slow, measured cadence.

"So…" I echoed when he didn't elaborate. "Good thing neither one of us had onions at lunch?" _Snark to the rescue!_

"Nice try, Bella." He murmured this against my neck, the ticklish sensation making me almost feel threatened. I leaned back, resisting the urge to cover my neck with my hands. He looked up, his eyes sharp like green glass and filled with amusement. "So, you mean you haven't seen his Schwartz? He didn't set off the Virgin Alarm?" His smirk was a mile wide.

Laughter bubbled out of me, and once I'd started, I couldn't stop. "Aww, Buttercup, you've been watching _Spaceballs!_"

He growled, and I knew it was because I'd called him Buttercup_._ "Stop. Calling. Me. Buttercup. And I didn't hear any denials," he grumbled, curving his hands around my hips and tugging me toward the edge of his desk. "That fucker didn't look very talented." He continued to mutter and complain under his breath, generally disparaging Peter's manliness.

I couldn't resist baiting him one more time. Plus, it kept me from having to admit it was true. I _really_ didn't want to have this talk right now.

"Edward," I began sweetly, "are you asking me if your Schwartz is bigger than his?"

"So you're admitting it." He tried to look stern, but a smile flirted with his lips. "You've seen his Schwartz." I was thankful he'd given me time to finish eating before diving into this conversation, because I probably would have choked on my Goddamn Jimmy John's at that one.

"Yes…to both. Your Schwartz _is_ bigger." _Great, Bella. Way to blurt it out_. "Why does this matter, Edward? I'm _with_ you."

He shrugged. "It doesn't…not really. Just chalk it up to a peacock thing."

"A 'peacock thing?'" I repeated, arching an eyebrow.

"You know, the peacock doesn't go to all that effort to attract his female for nothing. He's got to _keep_ her, too," he said conversationally, a nerdy gleam in his eye that was entirely hotter than it should have been.

"If the words 'marking territory' even come close to your lips, I might have to smack you," I warned with a grin.

"What if it's in reference to the female marking _her_ territory?" he asked, his voice dropping lower, winding its way around me like a vine and drawing me closer. One hand slid back and encircled my knee, pulling it up around his waist and bringing me right up against my happy place.

I attacked him, grabbing onto his shoulders and pulling my face up to his. He was ready, his open mouth meeting mine eagerly, a clash of lips and tongues that flamed hot before fading to a slow burn. It was leisurely and thorough, warm, soft lips and teasing flicks of tongue that had me digging my nails into his shoulders and arching my back.

I let out a short moan when I felt his fingertips gliding up the back of my thigh. He never faltered in his kiss, muffling all my little sounds and letting me swallow his. A pleased hum tickled my lips as he tugged aside thin satin to make room for his fingers, stroking slowly but not venturing further.

He was driving me insane, and the smug bastard knew it. I kissed him harder, bringing my fingers up to his jaw so I could pull him closer. He played and teased until I was ready to scream, and then his fingers were in me, moving with a confident slide that made me dizzy with want. He was going to make me come, right there in his office, and I couldn't have cared less where I was. Higher and higher, he built the tension until my frame vibrated with the need for release.

Never taking his mouth from mine, he whispered, "Shh…almost there, but you've got to be quiet." Hearing his voice made it even more intense, and as his fingers moved just a bit faster, I broke, moaning into his mouth and drinking in his hum of satisfaction. "Good girl," he said, bringing me down with slow, gentle strokes and soft kisses.

It was a few moments before I could catch my breath and find my voice. Edward broke away and rested his forehead against mine, righting my underwear before moving his hand around to the small of my back. I wanted to thank him, or at the very least, tell him how fucking amazing it had been, but the weight of everything I felt was too overwhelming for me to explain.

When he raised his head, I met his clear green gaze and lost my breath all over again. I could only think of one thing to say, but I was positive it was the one thing he needed to hear.

"It's not the first that matters, Edward. It's the last."

I barely got out the words before it was his turn to attack me.

_God, I hope these walls are soundproof_.

**~*^*~**

"You know, we've spent your whole break in here…no one's seen me. They're still going to think you've got an imaginary girlfriend," I joked, hopping off the desk to help him right his clothes.

"It'll just give me an excuse to ask you for another lunch date," he said, giving me that delicious smirk.

_How does he do it? How does he manage to work such voodoo magic on me all the time?_

"Although, if introducing you to my coworkers will turn out like your reunion with Brady, I'd rather keep you to myself." His voice was low as he leaned in closer.

"Why do they think you're making me up?" I asked, wondering why it would be such a surprise for Edward to be seeing someone.

"They think you're just a smokescreen. Because I don't want them trying to play matchmaker. I'm sort of 'a catch,' you see. A smart girl once told me so," he added in a whisper, his eyes bright with that look that made me so happy it was almost sickening.

At the same time, the girls were busy telling their Dark Passenger to buckle his fucking seatbelt, because they were going hunting for all the single women in the hospital.

"Well, this 'imaginary girlfriend' wouldn't like any other peahens shitting on her lawn." This appeased the girls. Edward, however, was a different story.

"Did you just compare me to your lawn?" he asked, wide-eyed. "Are you still drunk?"

"No!" I laughed. "Well yes – I mean – I'm not drunk, but I did sort of compare you to my lawn."

"I'm going to tell myself to take that as a compliment," he said dryly.

"It is. The way you smell…it reminds me of fresh cut grass, but only in the sense that it's a scent that bursts with summer and home." To my utter mortification, I blatantly sniffed him. "You don't actually smell like grass, though. It's more…" I paused, lowering my voice, "animalistic." I bit my lip, trying not to laugh at my disastrous attempt at vamping it up, but that only seemed to set him off.

_Note to self: Edward is a fan of the lip-biting._

Interesting. _I don't get it, but hey, whatever works is going in the "use again" category._

He moved as close as he could without touching me, hovering on the brink of a full embrace, frozen like an ambush predator just before the strike. In the next second, he was on me, his hands gently gripping my upper arms and pulling me up to his mouth. Though I kissed him back, I couldn't keep from smiling. He felt it and pulled back with a questioning look.

"I don't recall giving you a reason to laugh…" he said, a hint of annoyance mixing with the amusement in his tone.

"I'm sorry…I wasn't expecting that to work. Especially after the lewd acts we just committed _right here in the hospital_."

"It worked well enough for me," he grumbled, sighing and letting me go. I half-expected him to make one of those over exaggerated crotch adjustments, but to my surprise, he didn't. I was very proud.

"So, will I see you tonight, then?" I was pretty much giggling annoyingly at that point. Still suffering from side-effects of the tractor-beam, my brain could only handle so much. "I promise I'll be home," I said sheepishly, staring straight ahead at his chest.

"Bella, as I told you last night – many, _many_ times before you fell asleep," he added wryly, "it's fine if you have a few drinks when you go out with your friends. You were out with my sister, and you were safe."

I sighed heavily, still trying to think of what to say. Giving up, I raised my eyes to his. I felt really guilty about this particular subject, after the fact, of course, and that didn't make it any better. I didn't know if I was afraid that Edward might consider it insensitive, or if I was afraid I might have tasted like wine when I'd thrown myself at him, or… _God, I hate this!_

"Hey." He pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "Forget about it. Besides, there are certain…side benefits of a drunk Bella."

There was the smirk again, topped with those rainforest eyes, and I decided to stop worrying. I'd just make sure to make it a rare occurrence in the future – if at all.

He laughed, dropping a kiss on the top of my head, before threading his fingers through mine and heading for the door. "Of course I'm coming over tonight. Your place is closer to the hospital, anyway."

"And that's the only reason you're coming?"

He pretended to consider it. "Yeah, I guess," he said, the picture of nonchalance.

I tapped his foot with mine, nicely hinting at the full-on kick that would be coming if he kept it up. He continued walking as if nothing had happened.

We slowly made our way back through the hospital, lingering near the main entrance. We were both reluctant for me to leave.

"You don't have to walk me to the monorail. I know you need to get back." I threw my hands around his neck and rose on tiptoe to give him a quick kiss.

"You shouldn't be walking alone," he said when I pulled back. He locked his arms around my back, keeping me from going far.

"That's how I got here, Edward." I shook my head and sighed, suddenly remembering the reasons why I didn't like Edward's inner caveman. It made him kind of bossy sometimes. "I'll be _fine_."

"I'll get you a cab," he pressed, pulling his phone out of the pocket of his white coat. The pocket with the _pocket protector_. The pocket with the pocket protector located right underneath the black embroidered words, "_Dr. Edward A. Cullen_."

Completely unwanted – well, not exactly _unwanted_, but definitely _inappropriate_ – fantasies began to play around in my brain, all centering on me, naked, on top of Edward's desk as he stood above me wearing only that coat…

Then I realized – most of that had _just _happened.

_Goddamn it! Why didn't I have him leave the coat on??_

Quickly, I checked the corners of my mouth for drool, belatedly realizing Edward had already completed the phone call.

"You'll have a cab in ten minutes," he said, his voice so matter-of-fact that it almost passed for smug. Hell, he _was_ smug. No one loved getting his way more than Edward. I let him lead me to a damp bench near the main entrance, but when he sat down next to me, I protested.

"You need to get back to your office!" I shooed, having absolutely no effect on his position.

He shrugged. "If they need me, they'll page me."

I gave up and just leaned into him, deciding it wasn't worth the effort. "What time can I expect you? I'm not closing, so I should be home around nine-thirty."

"I'm off rotation at eleven…for the next seventy-two hours," he said with a blissful smile, raking one hand through his hair. "I'm wondering if I should regret agreeing to be a sub-investigator for this study. It's taking up a lot of my time."

"You don't." I gave him a quick peck on the cheek, expecting him to agree with me. "Do you?"

He smiled ruefully. "Sometimes. It's not as…I don't know…it's not as noble as I expected. It's a big, money-filled business. And the study coordinator – she's a huge pain in my ass," he added glibly.

I quirked an eyebrow at him. "I can't blame her…it's such a fine ass."

"Very funny, Bella."

"Seriously, Edward – a really smart guy told me that life was too short not to do something you enjoy. So when you ask yourself if you enjoy it, don't lie when you answer."

He twined his fingers with mine, resting our hands on his lap. Looking over at me almost bashfully, he said, "Beautiful and smart."

"I always listen when that guy speaks," I whispered, unable to keep the little grin from my face.

"So he's good for you?" His eyes glinted with playful amusement.

"Very."

"He should spend more time with you, then."

I cocked my head, eyeing him. "Got any plans for those much-deserved seventy-two hours?"

"That depends," he whispered, dipping his head closer to mine. "Do you have plans?"

_I_ have _been meaning to talk to him about Charlie's phone call_…

"Actually, I might. My dad called this morning and asked me if we'd like to visit him in Forks," I blurted. "For the Fourth. Want to go?"

"'We?' As in 'both of us?'"

I nodded, fighting hard not to bite the inside of my cheek in nervousness.

"Charlie actually asked _me_ to come with you." His mistrust and disbelief was plain, and I couldn't blame him.

I nodded again. Actually, he'd invited Egbert, but I wasn't opening that can of worms at this point.

"Why are you so quiet all of a sudden?" he asked suspiciously. _Crap! I suck at this_.

"I just really want you to come with me." And _so help me God, if one of us says the word_ come _again, I don't know if I can contain the girls._

They were already rattling their little tin cups against their iron bars, singing, "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen…"

"Okay," he said simply.

"That's it?"

"Sure." This was way too easy.

"There's one more thing… Charlie mentioned the three of us, uh…" _crap!_ "…he wants to go to the gun range. To teach me how to use my gun." I squeezed my eyes shut, just waiting for him to change his mind.

"So he's going to try and intimidate me?"

"I'm pretty sure that's why he insisted I tell you about his plan when I invited you. I didn't want to play into his little childish games, but I couldn't let you go in blind –" He gently held my lips shut and laughed.

"I get it, I get it. Unfortunately, I'm screwed either way," he murmured before releasing me, trailing his fingers down over my chin. "If I don't go, then he thinks I'm a pussy. If I do go, he gets his way and enjoys his role as bad cop."

I snorted, dropping my forehead to his shoulder. "I'm sorry," I managed through the giggles.

"Damn, he's smart," he said to himself. "Would you believe I'm a bit impressed?"

"It wouldn't surprise me. You two are more alike than you think."

"Does someone have Daddy issues?" he mocked.

"You just quoted Dr. Evil," I retorted. We dissolved into laughter and he threw his arm around my shoulders, his thumb moving lazily across the top of my arm. I'd just melted into his side, ready to try and get him to spend the rest of the wait kissing me senseless, but then he had to go and push just a _little_ further.

"You're driving, right?"

"I am?" I asked excitedly, perking right up at the idea of speeding all the way to Forks.

"No," he said in a regretful tone.

"I hate you," I sighed. His chest shook with laughter, causing my lips to curve in spite of my efforts to act mad.

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't." Looking up, I let him see my grin. Over his shoulder, I could see the cab rolling to a stop. "There's the taxi."

We stood, walking hand-in-hand to the waiting car. "I'll see you tonight," he said softly, stopping to hug me close and giving me a kiss that managed, in an all-too-brief moment, to make me blush just as hard as I did when we were doing much more...private things.

His hands kneaded my waist as he pulled away, leaving me frozen and waiting for his lips to return to mine. I opened my eyes to find him watching me with a soft, inviting look on his face, which quickly morphed into his stupid sexy smirk when he saw my disappointment. Not wanting to give him even more of an ego boost, I quickly shook off the tractor beam cobwebs and pushed his face away from mine with my palm – gently, of course.

Edward promptly pretended my hand was a face-hugging alien (from the movie of the very same name), grabbing my wrist with both hands and acting as if he was trying to pry it off. People were staring and the cabbie was glancing at us impatiently by the time he stopped, pulling my hand from his face, but not releasing my wrist. I cleared my throat, my cheeks flaming red from embarrassment and aching from the huge perma-grin I always seemed to wear in his presence. He laughed nervously as he stood a little taller, straightening his slightly-askew white coat as if we hadn't just been rough-housing like children after a candy binge.

"Bye," he whispered, giving me a final, warm kiss on my wrist before he let it slip from his fingers. My skin burned where he'd held me; a warm, buzzing heat encircling the delicate framework of bones. Jesus Christ, I was pretty damn close to making a fool of myself. I was suddenly so fucking happy that my eyes stung with tears in accompaniment to my now thudding heart. I needed to get out of there before I rubbed myself all over him and generally acted like a bigger whore than the She-Beast. Quickly stuffing all my girly feelings into their own lock-box – yes, I had an Al-Gore style lock-box – I backed away.

"See you later. I'll order the 'cholesterol special' for dinner," I promised in a conspicuous whisper before ducking through the door. _Yes! Distract the boy with grease…because getting naked in public is frowned upon._

_**That hasn't stopped you before…**_

_Semantics, girls.._

"Meat lover's pizza…that's my girl." He leaned forward, sticking his head in the car as I seated myself. "Can't turn down some nice, hot meat," he laughed softly near my ear. _God, I hope the cab driver didn't hear that. Edward doesn't realize what kind of trouble that could get me into_.

"Edward, shhh!" I hissed, trying to get my point across. To my relief, he pressed a tiny kiss to my jaw and backed away, tossing the cabbie a twenty as he went.

I rolled my eyes and gave him a little wave as we pulled away from the curb. Giving the cabbie my address, I settled into my seat, trying to resist the urge to turn back and look for him.

_Oh, fuck it. It's not as if he could_ see _me looking_…

To my amazement, the fool was still standing there – and he was waving. I jerked back around to face the front of the cab, ignoring the strange look I got via the rearview mirror.

My cell vibrated in my pocket, startling me. There it was, bright blue on the touch screen: a final parting volley from Edward.

**Made you look.**

Scowling, I texted back:

**No way. I looked on my own.**

_Right. Because admitting my weakness is_ so _much better_. Not even ten seconds went by before he responded.

**I was giving you the mindmeld.**

Oh, whatever.

**Whatever.**

I had to wait a bit longer for his next jab.

**That's what you always say when you know I've won the argument. ;)**

Oh, he thought a _wink_ would earn my mercy? Silly man.

**Don't you have patients that need you?**

Seconds later, I felt compelled to add more.

**You cannot control my mind. :P**

_I am _soooo _mature_.

Edward didn't respond until I was getting on the elevator, so the message had to wait until I was finally in the comfort of my own place, sprawled out over the couch, with Renesmee rubbing her little head all over my face.

**What I control is somewhat further south.**

I snorted, finding and tossing a little fur mouse, sending Rennie (_hey, I might have been a bit hasty in naming her _Renesmee) bounding across the room. With my hands once again free to text, I set to work.

**My lady parts have no autonomy, you know.**

_Well, that's kind of a lie_…

**I love your dirty mind. But I was talking about your heart.**

The man had more sap in him than a freaking sugar maple.

**Heart? Is that a new euphemism? Kidding. I love you, too.**

There was another lull in the war of flying fingers. I changed into my uniform reserved for watching T.V. and afternoons spent writing, otherwise known as pajamas. _Ahh, sweet bliss…I'd wear pajamas all the time if I could get away with it._ As I settled back into the couch once more, my phone buzzed with another text.

**If ****that's your heart, I have a very special key… ;) Duty calls. See you tonight.**

_Shit. He's starting to sound like the girls_, I thought with a sigh as I tossed the phone to the side.

_**Sigh. He's got the **_**master**_** key...he's the Key Master.**_

* * *

_There is no Dana, only Zuul! …Sorry, couldn't resist._

_Anyone up for a trip to Forks? _

_So, this is me apologizing for the update fail…at least this chapter was obnoxiously long, right? I also wrote a little future-shot of our couple around New Year's. It's posted under the title "Completed Work," where I'll be posting other strange little ideas/outtakes for WiP as they come to me._

_I think I'm entering the FML contest – that is, if I get my O/S finished in time. Put me on author alert if you'd like to read it, I guess. I'd love your vote, too (um…if I finish). Do you think I could be any _more _noncommittal?_

_Contest entries are posted here:_

_http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/FML_Contest_Fics/77195/99/0/1/_

_Come on, it's FML…you know there will be some good, ironic shit. Vote for _someone_, at least._

"(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher" – _written by Gary Jackson, Carl Smith, and Raynard Miner._

_I want to thank every single one of you who reads. Thank you so much. I love hearing from all of you and I read every review. I know replies are few and far between, but reading your comments is one of my most favorite things. _


	26. Chapter 26: True Love and Furrie Dreams

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own _Twilight_ or any other copyrighted material herein. No copyright infringement is intended._

_Many, many thanks to wifey/Beta EchoesOfTwilight for catching my silly mistakes and making sure I actually use my voluminous vocabulary. And huge thanks for that epic writing fest yesterday. :)_

_I'll leave the rest for the bottom..._

* * *

**Chapter 26: True Love and Furrie Dreams**

Independence Day dawned with sleepy sex, Edward pawing at me before I was even fully awake. I didn't mind...but it did bug me that I'd slept through even a little bit of his attention. It was pretty tough to get out of bed after that, both of us exhausted and warm, curled together in the middle of the mattress. But as much as I would've liked to sleep in, we had a long drive ahead of us.

The trip to Forks started out a bit differently than I'd planned. We ended up with Alice and Jasper as tag-alongs, since Meat Sweats had apparently come down with swine flu—_oh, the irony_—and ruined their weekend plans. I saw an opportunity for an extra buffer in the form of Alice, hoping she'd help deflect Charlie's attention away from Edward. So after making sure Rennie was taken care of, we loaded up the Volvo and set off for Forks, picking up Alice and Jasper on the way.

Now I just had to find a place for them to stay. _Guess I should have thought of that before I invited them._

~*^*~

I called Charlie on the way, who, by some miracle, managed to find an empty vacation cabin near First Beach for Jasper and Alice. I wished he'd find one for Edward and me. It would be better for all sides, really...sort of a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

Shortly after we'd arrived in Forks, I dragged Edward upstairs after enduring some awkward posturing by my father. He started in as soon as we walked in the door, and that was _after_ I had to deal with Jake—who, now that I thought about it, hadn't been too much of a douche.

Charlie had recognized Alice from the graduation party, and he was almost more excited to see _her_ hop out of the car. It could only work in my favor, though, because it did take some of the focus off of my _other_ guest. Jasper was greeted with a friendly handshake, and I wished it could be that simple between Edward and my dad. But since _Edward_ was romantically interested in me, that automatically made Charlie suspicious.

Jake was picking up some things for the barbecue at La Push later this evening, and he'd offered Alice and Jasper a ride to the cabin, since it was on his way. I didn't envy them their ride in the Rabbit, even though I was pretty damn jealous of their destination. Then again, I hadn't actually _seen_ the place in years...so it could have been just as bad as the old motel out on the 101 that Alice and Jasper had dubbed "The Bates Motel."

After the other couple had left with Jake, my dad tilted his head toward the Volvo and asked, "That your car, Egbert?" At Edward's confirmation, Charlie's mustache twitched in a condescending smile. "I see. Well, come on in, guys. We've got a couple hours before we need to leave, so you can put your stuff in your old room, Bells." He'd pulled me into a hug, awkwardly patting my back.

"His name is _Edward_," I hissed in his ear, returning his hug. "Good to see you, Dad."

I mostly meant it.

"You too," he'd mumbled, releasing me and fixing Edward with a hard, probing stare that was all cop as they shook hands, then entered the house. "Egbert—" _Jesus, Dad!_ "You've got your choice of the luxurious sleeper sofa or the recliner here." He gestured to a clean quilt with two pillows stacked on one end of the couch—though he'd bought it a few years ago, I had no idea how often Charlie thought of vacuuming under the cushions. I was very afraid it was _never_, actually.

The whole situation had devolved into a war of icily polite words between me and my father, which probably embarrassed the hell out of Edward. Which is how we ended up in my bedroom while he finished getting ready for this afternoon, much to Charlie's displeasure. Maybe I was being stupid and immature about it, but all I wanted was for my dad to like my boyfriend. Before, I hadn't given a shit if the Chief liked them or not. Nothing had ever been as serious as this. _I'm in love with the man, for God's sake!_ Maybe I just needed to tell him plainly that I loved Edward and couldn't see myself with anyone else, ever.

_**Just explain to him that we need the genetic perfection of the Precious.**_

I almost whimpered at their appearance, because I was really hoping they'd leave me alone today. I had enough voices to juggle without the ones that represented my out-of-control baby-makers.

"I'm twenty-five," I muttered to myself, slamming the bedroom door and locking it with an audible click. I hoped Charlie heard it. "Surely he doesn't think I'm still a virgin? After that morning you came stumbling out of my bedroom shirtless, in those really hot jeans that hang off your hips?"

"Shh! We don't need to remind him of that! He might be listening."

"I'm just being honest. I'm an adult," I protested, though I lowered my voice.

"Bella, your father is going to kill me if I sleep up here. And we hadn't slept together then!" Edward whispered harshly, his eyes darting back and forth from me to the door. He refused to speak any louder, probably paranoid that the room was bugged. I wasn't amused by my father's Jack Byrnes act. He'd even done the "I'm watching you, Focker" hand motion as I'd glared at him from the top of the stairs. I made a mental note not to leave Edward alone with my dad...I wouldn't put it past him to try out a polygraph.

At least he hadn't been cleaning his shotgun on the front porch when we'd pulled into the driveway.

"Edward," I said, laughing a little, "it sure looked like it!"

He was getting awfully twitchy, and all I could think was how grateful I was that we'd driven here instead of taking the puddle-jumper to Port Angeles. Because if anyone could drive him to scream "BOMB!" on an airplane—besides me—it was my father.

Thank God we were only staying one night.

"I'm sleeping on the couch, Bella. I've got to pick my battles, and I think I'd be better off living to fight another day." _Wow, Edward, you think you could get one more cliché_ _in that sentence?_ "Especially if I don't want Charlie to hate me for the rest of our lives." He plopped down on the bed in exasperation, raking his hands through his hair before flopping onto his back with a sigh. _ Rest of our lives? Oh, wow...wow. _The girls squealed and started discussing engraving options for wedding invitations.

_Oh, shit. Shit. The incessant baby chatter was bad enough, but if they're going to start throwing marriage talk into the mix, I'm fucked.__  
_  
I could understand their desire for reproduction; after all, it was instinctual. But marriage...that was completely made up by man, and therefore the potential for fuckery was exponential. I loved Edward, but did I want to marry him? Just thinking about it scared me. Why mess with what was going so amazingly well?

_There's also the tiny little fact that I've only known him for three months. Three. Months. I'm not that crazy...am I?_

"Let's save this one for next time, okay?" he asked gently. _God, he knows I can't resist that voice._ I frowned at him as I dug through my bag, looking for my special t-shirt for our trip to play with guns.

"Fine," I huffed with a little smile, trying to redirect my train of thought. It _was_ very sweet of him to be respectful of my father's wishes, but I still wondered if I could change his mind. _  
__  
__**We are, 'ow you say, well-versed in zee art of seduction, yes? We weel instruct you.**__  
_  
_Great. Now they think they're Pepe LePew_.

He caught my gaze as he stretched out on the bed, stacking his hands behind his head. We shared an awkward, yet tender moment, with Edward looking up at me, a soft, perfect curve to his lips and eyes warm with affection. He was perfect, framed by the deep purple comforter and set off by the black velvet design.

Charlie had obviously done some preparation in honor of my visit. Gone was the old, threadbare quilt stitched by Granny Swan, which I actually missed. I'd have to ask him about it later. The new bedclothes were almost regal, shiny satin and rich velvet, and way too fancy for my father. I wondered what single Forks woman was trying to impress him this time. The women of this town were suckers for a man in uniform, and my dad was quite the catch, in spite of the 'stache. They had no idea who they were dealing with; my father could be downright diabolical. Today's planned trip to the gun range was proof of that.

I hadn't even been in Forks for an hour and I was already tired of Charlie's antics. First, his abject refusal to call Edward by his correct name was embarrassing. His feigned ignorance was extremely transparent, and would have been even if I hadn't heard firsthand from Renee that my father _did_, in fact, know Sex Hair's real name. Second, after witnessing something pretty similar in the hospital yesterday, I had the suspicion that my father was marking his territory. Which was an absolutely ridiculous and completely revolting thought.

I did _not _appreciate it. Becoming an old lady with twenty-three cats—one of the grouchy ones always yelling at the kids who play in the front yard—was not exactly high on my list of priorities, and that's exactly what would happen if I let Charlie run Edward off. I'd end up the neighborhood spinster, taking care of her senile, retired police chief father, wearing cat applique sweatshirts and making meatloaf on Monday nights.

Half of me hoped this was all some bizarre test to determine if Edward was worthy of dating his daughter. Some kind of elaborate plan to measure his worth as a man. If this visit was one big experiment on Charlie's part, then Edward and I were his guinea pigs. Well, these guinea pigs were going to hide out and fornicate in our cage... _Sweet Mother of effing Pearl, did I _really_ just think that? _

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked softly, breaking me free of my space-out. "There are some times when I'd give anything to know what you're thinking..." _Oh, Buttercup...I'm afraid you'd be terrified. I am, and I live with it every day..._

"Oh, um," I stammered, finally finding what I'd been searching for and tossing it on the bed. "I think I saw this comforter on _Curb Your Enthusiasm_." Joining him, I crawled up his body, lying out flat and stacking my hands over his chest. Just because I could, I playfully rubbed the tip of my nose over his chest, feeling his warmth and inhaling his scent through the thin cotton, before resting my chin on my hands. "It sure is comfy," I joked.

"Oh, am _I _the bedspread?" _Oh, smirk at me again, you beautiful man._ He brought his hands up to sift through my hair, his fingertips kneading my scalp with perfect, gentle pressure.

"No, silly. I just can't resist the urge to sniff you."

"Oh, good. Because that's not abnormal at all," he teased, skimming his hands down my sides in a ticklish slide. He totally did it too...I'd caught him sniffing me more than once.

I rolled my eyes, trying not to squirm at the sensation of his wandering fingers as they slipped underneath my t-shirt. He traced paths up and down my sides and lower back, leaving a wash of skin tingling with anticipation of the next slow pass. The more I tried to ignore the ticklish sensation, the more intense it became, even though I was expecting his touch. But it felt so good to lie down and stretch out after the long car ride; and locking ourselves up here for the rest of the day sounded pretty great to the firing range. "Make love, not war," and all that.  
_  
__**Yes, Bella. There's only one gun WE need, and it's in Edward's pants!**_

_Don't call it a GUN, girls!__  
__  
_He kept tickling, slipping his fingertips under the edge of my shirt, making me grit my teeth to keep from giggling like a maniac.

"Stop it!" I squeaked, squirming and trying to swat his hands with my own, but making a very pleasing discovery in the process. _Is that...yes! __  
__  
__**It's Edward's gun! And we think the safety is off!**_

_Piss off, girls, if you know what's good for you._

I buried my nose in the crook of his neck, planting soft kisses over the warm hollow that smelled better than a fresh Cinnabon...and made me want to lick him in a completely _different_ way. My legs were between his, which didn't leave a lot of room for friction, but the hint of pressure as I rocked my hips on top of his felt so damn good. I couldn't stop touching him; my hands were everywhere, hungry for any part of him I could reach. Pulling him close enough seemed impossible.

"Edward, please," I whispered through the sudden lump in my throat. He turned his cheek into my hair as his arms came around me tightly, causing my shirt to ride all the way up my chest.

"Charlie's going to kill me," he repeated, taking a deep breath and rolling to the side, but keeping me in his arms.

"He's not going to kill you—I'll protect you," I said softly, pulling back to watch him. His eyes were closed, his face free of worry, and he was smiling. "Are you sorry you agreed to come with me yet?" I was only half-joking. There was a tiny part of me that was terrified any minute now Edward could decide to drop my insane ass faster than the tractor beam could drop my skivvies. I knew I didn't have a real reason to worry, but the pessimistic thought still popped into my head occasionally.

"Nope. I'm with you, and I don't have to be back at the hospital for two more days." Soft green irises watched me intently as he skimmed a reassuring hand down my side, stopping just below my hip.

"But, the Chief is being a total ass, and—"

"It doesn't matter, Bella," he murmured, interrupting me. "Moments like this make it all worth it." He pulled me closer, one strong hand at my hip and the other splayed between my shoulder blades. "The worst moment with you is better than any moment without you." He looked a bit puzzled, probably wishing he could rearrange his words.

Laughing quietly at his strange declaration, I ignored my inner bitch and Devil Bella, who were snidely asking if that were really true, then why he hadn't invited us to Hawaii? I would have liked to know the answer to that question myself, but so far, I was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I still held the blind hope that maybe he just assumed I was going, but it would have been nice to know for sure, so I could start scrambling to save money. The truth was, I didn't really want to think about how I'd feel if he didn't have plans for us to go together. I would be too disappointed—so I avoided the situation, like always. Plus, I wasn't sure if the little slip Alice had made might not be a little bit of drunken wishful thinking on both our parts.

"Edward, only you could make me melt with a phrase that sounds like a vague insult," I sighed, resting one hand on his chest and bringing the other up to his face to pinch his cheek.

He laughed, trying to duck away from my fingers. "I know, I have a way with words." He paused, his fingers moving idly on my back. "Charlie can play his little '_Meet the Parents'_ games all he wants, but he's not getting rid of me that easily."

"You caught that, did you?" I asked wryly.

"It was kind of hard to miss. I was afraid he was going to bring out a polygraph down there."

"Oh, that won't be until tomorrow, right before we leave," I said, smiling evilly. Leaning closer, I placed a quick kiss on his chin. "We'd better give him something to find then, shouldn't we?"

"Bella, we're not going to do this right now," he laughed quietly.

"You're no fun." Blinking at him, I put on my best impersonation of The Pout.

"You know your father's probably standing right outside that door, just waiting to come in and shoot me at the first suspicious noise."

"You can be on the bottom. He wouldn't have a clear shot," I promised, patting his jaw. "And you _know_ I can be quiet..." I couldn't resist his lips as they pulled into a wicked grin. He responded hungrily, his actions saying the complete opposite of his words. I could feel his hand knotting in the hair that spilled over my back, pulling me closer even as he backed away from the kiss with a slow swipe of his tongue and a gentle nip on my bottom lip.

"You can _try_ to be quiet, but do you really want Charlie to hear you screaming my name?"

"You're not exactly deterring me, here," I managed breathlessly, all of my thoughts concentrating on one thing: a screaming, Edward-induced orgasm.

"And what happens afterward? Are you going to be my human shield for the rest of the visit?" he whispered, grazing the tip of my nose with his.

"Sure. We can stay in bed the whole time."

"Sort of defeats the purpose of visiting your dad, don't you think?"

"You know, you don't have to be so well-behaved all the time," I grumbled playfully. "You had no problem with trying to have sex in _your_ parents' house..."

"That's because if _my _father caught us, he'd give me a high-five later, not shoot me!"

"Well, how do you know Charlie won't be congratulating me on tapping this ass?" I teased, earning another laugh. I could hear it for the rest of my life and still feel the same way I had the very first time. I'd always feel this pull, this excitement, this need to get as close as possible.

"He _should_ be congratulating you," he said smugly, "but I highly doubt he's going to be happy about his daughter doing dirty things in her old bedroom."

I put my finger over his lips. "Shh...Charlie will hear you."

His lower lip was soft and warm against the pad of my index finger, his lips parting on a soft chuckle as I lightly followed the curve. A bare sliver of murky rainforest green was visible through the sable fringes of his lashes now, and I held his gaze as I lowered my mouth to his.

My finger still stroked his lip, adding a different dimension to the kiss. He gave me more of his weight, leaning into me and threading his thigh between mine. The tip of his tongue swept over my fingertip, followed by the blunt scrape of his teeth. I pulled my finger away with a tiny sound of surprise, moving my hand to the back of his head. He pressed deeper, not letting me back away, his hand at my back pulling me closer.

The feeling of him wrapped around me, the way he held me so tightly, gave me such a feeling of desperate happiness; like I couldn't possibly be happier, but I craved more. More time, more silly conversations, more kisses...more bare skin and hot breath and whispered words.

Just...more. Of everything. More of Edward.

He knew, because for some strange, incredible reason, he felt the same way. I let my hands drift down his back, tugging at the hem of his t-shirt. Lifting his mouth from mine, he quickly pulled the shirt off, tossing it behind him.

His eyes were dark and hooded, shining with intensity as he fixed me with an unblinking stare before laughing and dropping his forehead to mine with a resigned laugh.

"This is quite possibly the most insane idea you've ever had, but I just can't say no," he murmured, grabbing a handful of my shirt and stripping it the rest of the way off. His hands were back on me in an instant, skimming up my ribs, tracing his fingertips over the lace edge of my bra. One arm went around my back, lifting me up so he could place open-mouthed kisses on my neck and chest.

"I'm so glad," I returned saucily, my breath hitching as his lips burned hot paths over my collarbone and lower, licking and nibbling at the tops of my breasts.

"I don't think I can deny you anything," he breathed against my skin, sending chills everywhere, my nipples tightening almost to the point of pain. I clenched my fingers in his hair and arched my hips against his, almost moaning at the feel of him, hot and hard against my hip.

"Works for me. I hate being denied." _Shut up, Bella! Quit making stupid jokes and put your mouth to better use!_

Edward made that decision for me, closing his mouth over mine in a kiss that nearly made me forget _how_ to talk. He nudged my legs open, settling his heavy weight between my thighs and shifting his hips. Clumsier than usual fingers fumbled with the catch of my bra, finally releasing it with a little snap. One hand flattened against my ribs, slipping under the loosened lace. His thumb swept over my nipple, back and forth, echoing the velvety slide of his tongue.

Needing to feel more of him, I let go of his hair, my hands moving over his shoulders and down his back, taking time to appreciate the fluid shift of firm muscle beneath smooth skin as he flexed his hips. I managed to get one hand between us, first fumbling with his belt buckle and then cursing his jeans for not having the courtesy to just open themselves. _Fucking button fly—why do you have to be so hard to open when you're so damn mouthwatering?_

He lifted his hips a bit, giving me more room to work with, moaning against my lips as I managed to get most of the buttons free and shoved my hand beneath the waistband of his boxers. Closing my fingers around him, I swirled my thumb over the tip, loving the feel of his hot, soft skin and the slick trace of pre-cum that collected there.

"Oh, shit," he breathed, breaking the kiss. Leaning on one elbow, he reached down to encircle my hand with his, urging me to grip him harder as he looked on. While he watched our moving hands, I couldn't look away from his face. His color was high, the flush of arousal burning over his cheeks and lips. There was no control here; only two people lost in physical sensation, eager for skin and muscle and bone to melt together.

Eyes dark with forest shadows met mine as he finally released my hand and backed away, sitting up to make quick work of my jeans and the satin and lace beneath. They were gone with two swift tugs, my bra following with a flick of his wrist. When he hesitated, throwing a nervous look over his shoulder, I scrambled to my knees, giving him a playful push. Only he didn't fall back—he grabbed me, pulling me up against him and clamping his arms around my waist.

"Don't say no," I whispered, dropping my face into his hair and winding my arms around his shoulders. I even hooked my calf around his thigh, trying to send him off balance with no success. He roughly grabbed my leg, effectively pinning me against him. The slight pain of his grip was a welcome sensation, if only because it was gone as soon as I stilled. Those moments that signaled a loss of his control were precious, and I loved every one of them.

His lips landed on my sternum in a clumsy brush of breath and heat, dragging a kiss straight down. He stopped just below my breasts, but the current that burned in his path went straight to my feet and back up, pooling between my legs. Turning his head to the side, he traced his nose over the swell of my breast, opening his mouth and scraping his teeth over my nipple before sucking it into the heat of his mouth.

"God, I need to be inside you," he muttered against my skin before lowering me back to the bed. I gasped as he ground his hips into mine, rough denim rubbing over my sensitive flesh.

"Then do it." I hooked my thumbs in his pants, shoving everything as far down his hips as I could reach. He was free with one final push, the head of his cock grazing my clit as he lowered himself against me. I grabbed at his sides, urging him up for a kiss that he eagerly took.

The way he held me, with one arm wrapped tightly underneath my back, his free hand roaming up and down my side, made me feel fragile, breakable. He was gentle but not tentative, passionate and needy, holding me like I was his entire world. And he was mine. I nearly shook in his arms, from nerves and excitement, love and desire and the maelstrom of other feelings that streamed through the backdrop of my mind, but _he_ eclipsed everything. He was heat and light, smooth skin and lean muscle, he was shelter...he was home.

The kiss slowed, grew softer, until our lips barely touched and our breath mingled in short pants. He cupped my jaw with his free hand, sliding down to encircle my neck as he ran the tip of his tongue over the curve of my lip. Next he dragged his fingers over my chest, palming my breast and rolling the peak between his fingers. It was all too much and not enough; I could feel him hot and slick between my legs, so close... I lifted my hips into his, whimpering as he slid over the peak of my sex.

He dropped his forehead to the pillow, burying his face in my neck with a groan as he continued the movement, rubbing steadily against my clit. Twisting, sliding, pushing, pulling; everything swirled inside, building, curling into bright heat until I thought it would come bursting out of me.

Touching my lips to his ear, I let him hear what he was doing to me, giving him every sigh, every catch of breath, and every moan as myriad feelings gathered into a singularity of sensation and he sent me over the edge.

"Love you, Edward," I whispered, because though those words would never be enough, it was the only thing I could say. Tensing and faltering in his rhythm, he slipped a bit lower, inertia sending him sliding inside me in one sudden push.

"Bella," he choked out on the heels of a low moan, his hips already moving as he clutched at my knee and folded my leg up around his waist. Entangled in a sinuous knot of limbs and mussed blankets, I pressed my open mouth at the base of his neck, scraping my teeth over the taut skin and tasting the hint of salt that had bloomed from exertion.

"Can you come for me again?" He was fighting for breath, his voice low and strained with the effort of holding back. "Please, Bella..." One hand crept between us to toy with my clit, which was so sensitive I almost couldn't handle his touch. He'd never really given me a chance to come down, the intensity building and building with every light brush of his fingers and every thrust of his hips. I began to tighten around him, shivering at the feel of his soft laughter on my neck. "Oh, fuck yes...that's what I want," he said in a raspy whisper as I tensed in heavenly agony, arching my back, arms and legs wrapped around him. "Now I'm going to come for you..."

He went harder, deeper than before, gripping my hip and digging his wet fingers into my flesh, finally stilling, his muscles trembling as he groaned softly into my neck. Sinking onto me in exhaustion, he lay heavily against my chest, clutching me to him as he caught his breath, whispering his love into my skin.

~*^*~

"Would you believe I had a dream about this last night?" he laughed a little later, tugging his jeans into place and cinching his belt. I was still lying on the bed, probably displaying a pretty good example of the old Triple F.

_I am __**so**__ going to hell...but holy shit, it's so much fun getting there._

"You did? And you didn't tell me?" I asked, acting upset but still smiling widely. "Is that why you were twitching in the middle of the night?"

"The dream didn't go quite as well," he said, his lips curving in a smirk.

"Really? Did Charlie shoot your butt off with a shotgun?"

He laughed. "Not quite."

I finally gathered the energy to move, frowning when I realized I'd have to sneak down the hall to the bathroom, thus risking discovery by the Chief. He was supposed to be getting things ready for the barbecue tonight, but he was a sneaky bastard. I wouldn't put it past him to be waiting on the other side of my bedroom door.

"What happened? Did you finish too early because you wanted me so much?" I teased as I quickly pulled my clothes on, trying really hard not to make a mess. It was pretty fucking awkward, trying to hobble around the room without leaking all over the place. Edward was thoroughly enjoying it, however, eying me with amusement.

"No...Charlie pounded on the door, threatening to break it down before he turned me into a eunuch."

"That kind of _does_ sound like something he might say. So that's how it ended?"

"Oh, no, it gets worse. You weren't very happy with my..._inability_ to perform," he said wryly, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the door, keeping me from leaving. I giggled at the mental picture of the whole scenario.

"It was awful. I said you were crazy for thinking I could finish after getting caught by your gun-carrying father, and evidently you decided your value as a woman depended on your ability to turn me on again. At which point, you brought out a Furrie costume and told me that if I wanted you, I'd love all of you, including the Furrie side."

"Oh, my _God_!" I laughed, clutching my belly. The girls were appalled. Shocked speechless, thank God. "I can't believe you just told me about that...oh, the blackmail possibilities..."

"Now, Bella," he pouted, reaching for my elbow and tugging me closer to his chest. "If you really want me, you'll love all of me, Furrie nightmares and all."

Even though I knew he was mostly joking, the atmosphere in the room suddenly grew thick and intense as I watched him in silence. Meeting his green eyes, I saw the trace of insecurity I hated, but I took comfort in the fact that I rarely saw it these days. I wrapped my arms around his neck, standing on tiptoe to press a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Silly man...I already do."

* * *

**A/N:**

_Hi again! I know what you're going to say. Just have some patience with Edward, okay? Trust me._

_This chapter was quite a bit shorter than the last one, and I'm going to try to keep it that way. They'll be back to the typical 5-7K size. But, this means you'll get more frequent updates! Good, yes? Yes. I'm going to update weekly for at least the next three weeks, and I'm going to TRY to stick to that until this is finished, but don't make me cry if I can't keep to the once a week thing._

_Last of all, I actually finished my FML O/S, called_ Love Stings**.**

**Summary:** Edward's having a bad day. Nothing is cooperating, not even the weather. When it has him wondering if anything else could go wrong, can he come away from the day from Hell with someone very, very right? Entry for the FML Contest. AU/AH, Adult Content/Lang **http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5749825/1/Love_Stings**

_I'm in the second group of the first round, and voting starts on Feb. 25__th__. I'd really love to win something, JS. I'm not ashamed to admit that. :)_

_Visit the FML profile to vote and read all the entries: **http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2187120/FML_Contest**_

_Next update: 02 March..._

_Did you like? Hate? Meh? _

_I'll be hiding from my brother in law in the secret volcano lair...  
_


	27. Chapter 27: Fun With Guns

_I don't own Twilight or any other copyrighted material herein. No copyright infringement is intended._

_As usual, thanks to EchoesOfTwilight for putting up with my crazy and catching my unintentional, potentially offensive jokes. ;)_

_To the LoD: I love you girls. _

_Hi, all. Look, it's even a little early! See you at the bottom._

* * *

**Chapter 27: Fun With Guns**

"Isabella Marie!" Charlie yelled as I came down the stairs and into view about ten minutes later. I was taking first fire, letting Edward hide up in my room for a few more minutes. I gave the Chief my most innocent daughter look as I rounded the banister. "It was awful quiet up there. You two better not have been doing what I think you've been doing..."

_**We certainly hope you don't think about things like that, Chief...it makes us cry inside.**_

_Uh-oh._

"What? I couldn't find my shirt." Idly, I fished around in my bag for some lip balm, waiting to see what he'd say about my choice of attire. On the inside, I was panicking. _Please...just let him drop it! _Although I'd only intended to annoy him with it, my shirt would definitely be a good distraction.

He gave me the stink-eye, his mustache compressing into a tight line as he read the words. The Chief was out in full-force. "You're not wearing that to the firing range, Bella."

"Why not? I'm ready. All my clothes are breathable, neither too loose nor too tight, and my shirt is bright blue and highly visible. I really don't look good in fluorescent orange."

"I suppose you think that's funny," he said in a dry monotone. _Oooh_. Charlie was not amused.

"Of course I do, Dad. Come on, I see that mustache twitching. You want to laugh, too. Admit it," I cajoled, grinning shamelessly. "I'll be with the chief of police. Surely that carries more weight than something printed on a silly t-shirt."

"Not when my daughter's wearing a t-shirt with 'Guns don't kill people, I kill people' plastered all over her chest!"

"Come on, Dad! You know it's funny."

"I don't know where you got your sense of humor. Must have been your mother," Charlie grumbled, shaking his head as he reached for a trucker hat that was obviously new, the flat bill facing straight ahead. I'd have to tell him to rough it up a little. _That look went out when _Punk'd_ got canceled and Ashton Kutcher "disappeared."_

"Hah!" I laughed, making my way to the kitchen in search of a snack. Finding an apple in the fridge, I set about cleaning and cutting as I spoke through the open doorway to where he sat on the couch. "I doubt it, Dad. Mom's brand of funny is more on the unintentional, WTF side."

_**The cougar is not funny, Bella. She was sniffing around the Precious. We were not amused.**_

_Calm down, girls. She's on the other side of the country. The Precious is safe._

"What the heck is a 'WTF' side?" he asked, sounding confused. I should have known better than to try out internet-inspired slang on Charlie.

"Um...never mind, Dad. It means she's a...free spirit." I think I managed to get that out without laughing. I hoped my father didn't realize that in Renee's case, "free spirit" meant "pothead."

"Your mother always _was_ a little out there," he agreed. _Tell me about it,_ I thought to myself as I joined him on the couch. I offered him an apple slice and he took one before he continued. "Made her real lively in the sack, though."

I screeched like an enraged orangutan. At the very least, a chimp in a killing rage. Anything to drown out the extreme overload of information coming from my father's mouth.

"Dad, NO! No more!" I leapt from the couch, overturning the bowl and sending apple slices skittering along the floor. "That kind of talk is not for my virgin ears!" Sam, Charlie's dog, scrambled after the apples, inhaling half of them before I could pick them up.

Mr. Mustache snorted, leaning back against the cushions and popping the last clean apple slice into his mouth. The jerk knew exactly what he was doing. It was all a ploy to make me uncomfortable about sex, because he refused to admit I wasn't seventeen anymore.

_It's not gonna work, oh father of mine. I'm twenty-five, a semi-responsible adult, and you invited us. _

"I don't know what it is with you and mom and your desire to kill me of embarrassment or shock," I mumbled under my breath, feeding the rest of the dirty pieces to the dog. Damn, someone needed to sweep in here, and it was probably going to be me. _Welcome home, Bella!_

Sam gazed up at me adoringly, just as he did with anyone who had food, but not quite giving me the devoted gaze Charlie got. He was a cute little guy, but not too bright. His eyes were always happy, his tail was always moving, and he always met you at the door. He followed my father around like one of those little fish that always swim with huge sharks.

It was well known around the Forks Police Dept. that Charlie Swan had a weird way with animals. Some of the older officers called him "Dr. Doolittle" behind his back. Sam came to the station with him on long shifts, sleeping the hours away underneath his desk—much of the time as Charlie's footrest. That dog loved him with the fervor of a teenage girl for her first celebrity crush: unconditionally and with a tiny bit of rabid desperation.

For all his talent with the Wild Kingdom, he wasn't very creative when it came to naming pets. Sam was actually Sam number three―that I could remember, anyway. I just didn't get it. _Really, Dad, what's going on here? Do you think your life is a sitcom, and you just re-cast the role of "Swan family dog" when the old one dies?_

I think it was just one of those things I was never going to understand, like Bjork's wardrobe choices, or what the hell happened on the last season of _Lost_.

Edward finally came down the stairs with a nervous smile on his face. "Hi. Are we ready?" he asked, making a beeline for my side. I didn't blame him. With my father, there was safety in numbers. Sam ambled over to conspicuously sniff at Edward's crotch area, making him turn red with embarrassment as he tried to push the dog's head away. I thought I'd die on the spot when Sam started sniffing at me. _That damn dog is going to get us caught with his perverted nose!_

"Yes, let's go," I blurted, tugging Edward toward the front door.

"Took you long enough," Charlie muttered, shaking his head and following close behind. "Bella, it's not a good sign when a man spends more time in the bathroom than you do." I gasped and smacked him on the shoulder. Edward stifled a laugh, probably because my dad was not nearly as agile as he and couldn't avoid my slow and poorly placed smacks.

"Dad!" I growled in warning, wishing I could fry him with some type of laser. _If we'd only brought Rennie...then I might have had a laser cat at my disposal. That is, if she inherited the evil death ray from the She-Beast._

"I'm just saying, he obviously wasn't brushing that damn hair of his." Turning to Edward, he said, "Do you _own_ a comb? It looks like you just rolled out of bed, for Christ's sake." He raised an eyebrow as he said this, his eyes slowly moving back and forth between us. Edward and I stood there frozen like rabbits who'd just caught a whiff of the neighborhood cat. We didn't know whether to stay and hope he didn't notice us, or run for the mother-effing hills.

"I'm sorry, Chief Swan, Bella was helping me find something," Edward apologized, looking entirely too innocent. "I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

Charlie looked him up and down strangely before grunting an assent and turning back toward the living room. As soon as he turned away, Edward smirked at me, leaning in and whispering,"Don't worry, we put everything where it belongs." I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster, pushing him toward the door.

"You kids go on out to the car. I'll be right there," he called as he knelt in front of the gun cabinet. He didn't have to tell me twice, and Edward finally wised up and followed me, leaving my father to gather the extra torture he had in store—because I just knew that's what he was doing.

Edward and I waited by the soccer-mom-mobile while my father was gathering the rest of his stuff. Seeing him bent over the bottom drawer of the cabinet had me a little apprehensive. There was only one gun he kept in that drawer: his fifty-caliber Desert Eagle.

My suspicions were confirmed when he exited the house moments later, the screen door slamming shut behind him as he strutted down the porch steps with an evil grin.

"What are you two doing over there?" He jerked his thumb toward the cruiser. "We'll carpool. Save the environment and all that," he said with a smirk, popping open the trunk to display the wealth of deadly weapons arranged inside.

I heaved a long-suffering sigh, taking Edward's hand and starting for the police car. "Let's just do it. I'll ride in the back." He followed reluctantly, faltering in his step as he saw Charlie's NRA-worthy gun collection.

"Hop in, kids!" Charlie said cheerfully, slamming the trunk, causing Edward to flinch. _Oh, Buttercup...you'd better improve your male posturing...he's going to eat you alive._

I reached for the back passenger door, not waiting for Edward to open it for me.

"Now, wait a minute; it's not polite to make a lady sit in the back," Charlie said with a disapproving frown.

"I've never heard that before," I retorted, rolling my eyes, about ready to beat my head against the roof of the car.

"It's okay, Bella, I'll sit in the back." Ever the negotiator, Edward gracefully opened the front door and waited as I sat down with an apologetic glance.

"I'm sorry about this," I whispered as he bent to check that I was completely inside the vehicle. "I promise, I'll make it up to you."

"It's fine, Bella," he returned, giving me a quick kiss, earning a disapproving grunt from Charlie, who was watching over his shoulder. "It's not like I haven't ridden in the back of one of these before." His grin was back as he shut me inside, quickly hopping in the backseat. I snorted back a laugh as my father slammed the door behind him, while Edward waved and gave him a thumbs up. "Hey, you forgot the handcuffs," he quipped as Charlie plopped into the driver's seat. This earned him a long, serious look via the rear-view mirror, two males assessing each other, clashing in a stare-down of epic proportions.

"Don't tempt me, Egbert," he growled, throwing the car into gear and stomping on the gas, sending Edward's back slamming against the seat.

I sighed, rubbing my temples. _This is going to be a long day._

~*^*~

The ride to the firing range was...interesting, to say the least. By "interesting," I meant tense, embarrassing, mortifying, and _somehow_, borderline humorous. That might have been the one thing that pissed me off the most. _No...that's not it. _I could always appreciate the opportunity for a good joke in most any situation, and even this was no different. But it was probably going to take me a pretty damn long time for me to stop wanting to bake Charlie some Ex-Lax brownies—after I waxed off his stupid 1970s-style Ron Jeremy mustache.

His poor aviator sunglasses would be so lonely without the 'stache. I'd have to put them out of their misery with his nightstick before I tossed it into the wood chipper.

Entertaining fantasies of taking out my frustrations on Charlie's outdated cop accessories almost took my mind off the fact that my father was making my boyfriend ride in the back of his squad car. Almost. It was just _wrong._ That seat was reserved for degenerates and law-breakers and people like Jake.

The range was _busy_. It seemed that shooting guns was the patriotic thing to do on Independence Day in Forks. NRA bumper-stickers decorated many of the rusty and primer-coated fenders, adorning trucks that displayed the scars of obvious hard work. I looked around quickly, wondering if Ted Nugent was going to show up.

We gathered up our equipment and headed for the door of the long, rectangular building. Dad looked like he was moving in, and I wondered if he'd brought every single firearm he owned. I looked pathetic and unprepared with my single gun case; Edward looked even worse, empty-handed as he was. Charlie refused to let him carry anything, so I handed him my piddly little 9 millimeter case with a sheepish grin. He winked and threw an arm over my shoulder, swinging the case back and forth at his other side.

It was sort of like a bowling alley inside, except with targets instead of pins...and lethal weapons instead of...well...bowling balls _could_ be considered lethal weapons...

_**Bowling balls are disgusting...who knows how many people have had their fingers in those holes. Sort of like that girl you went to high school with, Lauren "Molest-Me" Mallory.**_

_Okay...so bowling balls are definitely lethal_. After all, they could kill you in at least two ways: disease and blunt force trauma.

_Concentrate, Bella! It's probably a pretty good idea to be aware of your surroundings when there are_ guns everywhere!

The sharp reports of gun-blasts were audible from outside, and grew even louder as we entered. Through the glass that separated the shooting area from the prep room, I spied with my little eye no less than three mullets: a Kentucky Waterfall and two Mississippi Mudflaps. There was a borderline Neckwarmer in the first lane.

What the hell was I getting myself into?

Luckily, since Charlie was best friends with the owner, we had three lanes ready and waiting, and didn't have to wait for Red Green or any of his buddies to finish.

"Harry Clearwater," Charlie greeted with a smile, clapping the older man on the back. "Making money off the Pale-Faces on the Fourth..." He sniffed the air, which was rife with the pungent, acrid scent of gunpowder and metal. "I can smell the irony."

_Irony smells sort of like brimstone?_ I laughed a little at my joke, drawing a curious look from Edward. "You don't want to know," I whispered, shaking my head.

"Bella! It's good to see you back home for a little bit," Harry said, smiling widely at my shirt.

I gave him a little wave and a grin. "Hi, Harry. It's nice to see you, too." Gesturing to Edward at my side, I looked up at him. "Harry, this is Edward...my good friend...boyfriend...man-friend," I babbled, my cheeks turning red as I cursed a Goddamn blue streak in my head. Charlie's mouth twisted in distaste at the word "boyfriend," which helped to lessen my embarrassment a bit.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Clearwater. I'm Edward Cullen." He released me long enough to shake hands, and then his palm was pressed to mine again as my father looked on in disapproval.

Or constipation. Neither one of them was pleasant.

"You, too, Edward. Call me Harry." He looked like he was about to say more, but Charlie interrupted him.

"Why don't you two go over there and get your headgear. I'll be there in a minute to show you how to load your firearm." He sounded like such a...cop. I waited until we were walking away before rolling my eyes.

"It was nice to meet you, Harry," Edward called over his shoulder. I sighed inside...I loved it when he was polite. _It makes me melt_. It also made me melt when he was very impolite, but in a completely different way.

After we had the required headgear, we sat on the little bench next to the door, waiting for the Chief to finish plotting the demise of Edward's pride and dignity as a man. Edward opened the case on his lap, carefully taking out the gun. He pulled out the magazine and pushed back the slide, tripping little levers and doing whatever people who were familiar with them did with guns.

"Do you know how to use that?" I asked in awe. The little hamster wheel in my brain started spinning.

He looked up at me, a confident smile curving one side of his mouth. "I do," he said simply.

I leaned a little closer, watching his long fingers play with the _firearm_...it was strangely arousing.

"Are you any good?"

"I am." His voice was low and rough and full of complete fuckery... _God, I love this man_. "This is a Beretta 9mm automatic pistol. I'm not sure of the model, but I'd guess it's an F-series. Those are pretty popular with law-enforcement and military types."

My jaw dropped open so far I was afraid I'd have to scoop it off the floor. The girls squealed about his manliness and had fantasies of watching him chop wood on a snowy morning, while they watched him from a frosty cabin window and sipped hot chocolate.

Apparently they were fans of the cover photos popular in Harlequin Romance.

God help me, it was hot that he knew about guns. My slightly left-leaning heart was almost ashamed...but _fuck me! _

He was explaining all the various parts, showing me how to do important things, like turn on the safety and load the magazine. But I honestly couldn't concentrate while his fingers looked so indecent as he demonstrated proper hand-grip technique. I hoped my brain somehow retained the knowledge, because I'd need it to shoot, but right now, I just couldn't think of anything but him.

"How did you learn all this?" I asked, marveling at the wide variety of skills and interests he enjoyed, or had at least tried. I wanted to be more like him—his confidence and courage were two things I admired most about him.

"Carlisle. He was in the Army for four years to put himself through undergrad; that's where he first learned," he explained. "Later, when he thought Em and I would benefit from a little regular father/son time, target shooting was in the rotation."

"What else was in the rotation?" I laughed. "Target shooting is a pretty hardcore family outing."

"Paintball, street-hockey, hiking and other outdoorsy stuff. When we lived in Chicago, we had a sailboat. I'd love to take you sailing on Lake Michigan." He stopped suddenly, looking down with a shy smile.

"Ahoy, matey," I whispered in his ear, dropping a kiss on his cheek. "Anytime."

"Open invitation, huh?"

"Like a one-way plane ticket."

He laughed, a loud, carefree sound that had Charlie scowling in our direction. "I love you, too, Bella." Setting the case to the side with the rest of our things, he stood, reaching to help me to my feet. "Come on...let's thwart the Chief's plans to humiliate me," he whispered, his eyes shining with delinquent joy. He looked happier than a graffiti artist with a brand-new can of spray paint.

"Can I ask you a question?" He raised an eyebrow at me and nodded. "What did Alice do during all that father/son time?"

Smirking, he led me toward the bulletproof glass. "What do you think? She and Mom went shopping."

I should have known.

A few minutes later, Edward and Charlie had me decked out in huge, yellow headphones to muffle the noise, complete with equally large safety goggles. They probably would have put me in one of those bubble-wrap suits like those crazy people wore in _Dude, Where's My Car._

_**Zoltan!**_

_Oh, man...now I'm gonna picture the girls as that chick who plays Chloe in _24...

I tried not to be ticked at the fact that my father didn't have to wear these high school chemistry class rejects, while Edward took one look at me and put his on just to save an argument. I knew they made cooler looking safety glasses than these...I had a pair when I took chemistry in undergrad. At least Edward looked just as weird as I did...even though he _still_ looked pretty damn good.

Okay, moving on to more appropriate thoughts...safety gear, check. _Let's get this show on the road_. I couldn't wait to see the Chief's face when he figured out his plan was shot to hell.

_**Bella...do we need a bulletproof vest? What if we get shot?**___

Wow...what if? Might be nice...  
  
Inside the main shooting area, fresh targets dangled at the end of each lane about fifty feet away, like bait on a fish hook. We were all set: I had my _Beretta F-series—_Jesus, just thinking about that little lesson had my knees a little shaky—Dad had his Desert Eagle, and Edward had one of Charlie's other handguns, which looked very similar to mine, only older.

We reached our assigned lanes and Charlie looked at Edward smugly. "Egbert, you're welcome to listen in on Bella's lesson," he yelled, barely audible over the din. He smirked, and I expected him to start twirling the ends of his mustache at any minute. "Unless you'd like to teach her yourself." With a snort, he faced his target, aiming carefully and firing, blowing a hole bigger than a golf-ball right through the target's head. Looking at Edward, he squeezed off four more rounds in quick succession to empty the magazine, blowing holes in all the major kill-zones. I gulped, hoping my boyfriend was still standing behind me and hadn't hightailed his fine ass to the car.

Saying it was loud would be a major understatement. It was almost deafening, even through my huge yellow headphones. The hard plastic goggles rattled at their joints. My heart stuttered at every shot, resonating with that uncomfortable vibration the high school drumline generated as they marched past in the homecoming parade. I wondered if it was possible to get PTSD from a trip to the firing range.

But right underneath the fear was one prominent thought: _Holy shit, I want to shoot THAT gun._

"'Nice shootin' Tex!" Edward shouted, smirking right back at Charlie. _Oh, Edward...keep quoting Peter Venkman..._ "You got a big enough gun there, Tackleberry?"

"Tackleberry, huh?" He gave Edward an assessing look, and if I wasn't mistaken, I saw a tiny bit of approval in his glance. _Yes!_

Edward shrugged. "Better than Captain Harris, right?"

The Chief actually snorted, a tiny smile trying to break through the brittle line of his mustache. But the look of shock on his face at Edward's next words was priceless.

"And actually, since you asked, I'd love to teach Bella how to shoot. Do you mind?" He even managed to sound sexy when shouting at my father over the sounds of probably twenty discharging guns. Charlie's jaw dropped, his eyebrows almost shot off his forehead, and if he'd been taking a drink of anything, it would have been a definite spit-take. Taking my father's silence for acquiescence, Edward checked the safety on his pistol and then tucked it in the back of his waistband.

I died a little and tried not to drool like one of Pavlov's dogs.

"Now, one of the most important things is having steady footing and a good sense of balance. You want to stand with your feet at least shoulder-width apart, like this." He stepped behind me and moved my feet with his own, and I was positive he was standing a little too close for Charlie's comfort. But really, who cared about Charlie's comfort? I didn't―not when I thought I could feel the Precious graze against my ass.

"You can put one foot in front of the other, or spread them side to side; just do what feels most natural."

Once we had my stance sorted out, he moved on to my grip and aim. Charlie scowled away, watching from a few feet away with his arms crossed over his chest. Disbelief was etched over his face, lending him an even more sour look. _How does that crow taste, Chief?_

"When you pull the trigger, make sure it's an even, steady pull. Don't force it, just apply medium pressure." He retrieved his gun from the back of his pants—_lucky gun— _and showed me once again how to release the lock, turn off the safety, and pull back the slide to move a bullet into the chamber. "Relax. Don't be nervous. Think of the gun as an extension of your hand. Focus, point, and pull the trigger. You can do it."

He gave me that gorgeous smile and then pivoted, taking his stance. I watched in awe, and as he raised his arms and focused on the target, _I swear to God_ my nipples got hard. Mortified, I quickly crossed my free arm over my chest. The girls suddenly realized the appeal of a man in uniform, and I had to agree... Maybe I'd get my wish on Halloween?

_**We'd like to play "Good Cop/Bad Cop" with the Precious... We'll be the Bad Cop.**_

I was beginning to like their style. Sometimes.

Edward squeezed the trigger twice in quick succession, the 9mm punching two neat little holes just above and to the left of the bullseye-thingy.

Oh. My. God. _He _did not _just shoot that target in a perfect execution style! _Two shots that would rip holes in the aorta and left ventricle on a live person. I couldn't stand it. The cave woman in me couldn't ignore the evolutionary instinct to gravitate toward the strong, capable male. Plus, he looked really hot.

My nether regions threw in the towel, waved the white flag, lowered the drawbridge and... _Really?_ Did I have a gun fetish? What the hell was it about watching him go all "Federal Agent" on me, just like Dr. Reid... _I watch too much television_.

Turning back around, he flipped the safety and the gun once again disappeared to the place I'd love to shove my hand. Hurriedly, I checked for drool before chancing a look at my father, who had forgotten to scowl and was staring at the target in dumbfounded admiration. _ Edward just might win him over yet_.

"You try." He smiled at me, his eyes letting me know he knew exactly what he did to me. Coming forward, he took my free hand and drew me up to the little booth. I followed in a haze of barely suppressed lust. If I was a cartoon, I would have floated on a current of air in Edward's direction, my nose following a curling tendril of delicious scent. "Okay, now, remember: lock, safety, slide." Turning to Charlie, he called, "I think she's ready, don't you, Tackleberry?"

I would have laughed at Edward's audacity to give my father a nickname; that is, if I wasn't so busy trying not to kill him for his innuendo. Shooting him a dirty look, I focused on the weapon, going through everything I could remember. _Lock, safety, slide. Feet, shoulder width. Balance. Extension of my hand, and breathe... _(Insert Chevy Chase "Na-na-na-na-na" sound from _Caddyshack). Steady...aim...fire!_

I missed.

By a lot. I think I hit Kentucky Waterfall's target.

Edward and Charlie looked at each other, wearing identical suppressed smiles, holding out for precious few seconds before they both started laughing in that raucous way guys did when around other dudes. _Watch what you wish for, Bella,_ I told myself. _I wanted them to get along so badly... _But it sucked royally that I had to be the butt of the joke to accomplish it.

Naturally, my competitive rage leapt to life, because as a girl and an only child, I'd spent my formative years trying to prove myself.

"Shut up," I grumbled under my breath, blocking out their obnoxiousness and concentrated on the target. I was going to kill this motherfucker.

One head shot, two shots to the chest, one to the gut and a shot to the groin later, they weren't laughing. Secretly, I was just as shocked as they were, and I wasn't sure which one was the fluke: my good aim or the wild shot.

"Can I keep that?" I yelled, pointing to my very dead and mutilated target. This day should be recorded for posterity. I wanted a picture of the target screen-printed on the back of my t-shirt.

Charlie blinked at me, nodding absently. "You just push the button and the chain system brings the target to the front." He did a double take, from me to the target and back again, giving his head a little shake as if to clear it.

"Nice shooting, Bella," Edward finally said, staring at me like I was a piece of _picanha _and he was Meat Sweats. Like I was something very delicious to eat.

I beamed at him in spite of my heating cheeks, loving the look in his eye. _Maybe we can sneak off tonight...risking the cold ocean breeze and sand in unpleasant places would be worth it, I'm positive..._

"Thanks!" I went to him and gave him a quick peck on the lips, laughing when our goggles clicked together. Turning to Charlie, I noted he was back to a little scowl at my tiny public display of affection. "Dad? Can I try shooting the Desert Eagle? Please?" I gave him my sweetest, most innocent little girl smile, the one that always melted his heart, and it didn't disappoint this time, either. He relented and Edward stepped back to let my father teach me how to shoot the big beast.

"This thing's got quite a kick. You need to be prepared for it, or things can get dangerous." His face was very serious, very cop-like, and I wanted so badly to make an inappropriate joke about the size of the gun relative to the danger-potential, but I managed to hold it back.

I got into my now-routine stance, and he made tiny adjustments to my form before stepping back a bit.

"Right before you shoot, lean forward a tiny bit and push your right hand forward. You want to lean into the shot." He paused, waiting for me to practice before continuing. "Now pull back against your right hand with your left. When you're ready, fire."

I took a deep breath, made sure I was braced for the recoil, took my aim, and fired.

Holy SHIT. I nearly stumbled backward from the force of the shot. A ragged hole bloomed in the target's neck right before my eyes, and I looked back and forth between the paper and the fucking _cannon_ in my hand. I started laughing in absolute joy, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I wanted to beat my chest, to roar like a lion; and I had to force myself not to check for newly sprouted testicles.

What a power trip.

Edward was impressed, and looking at me in a way that had me wishing he'd drag me off to the restroom for a little quality time. Since I couldn't do that, I settled for the next best thing, which was taking more shots with the hand cannon.

After a little while, Edward tapped me on the shoulder. "You mind if I give that a shot?" he asked, laughing at his bad joke. _Is he _kidding_ me? I won't survive!_

"I can't let you do that," I said apologetically.

"Why not?"

"I'll tell you later. Just trust me." I raised my eyebrows for effect. _If I see him fire that Desert Eagle, I might spontaneously ovulate, if I haven't already. Hell, I might even get pregnant!_

Now that was a thought I wasn't even going to touch.

_~*^*~ _

"Ready to go, kids?" Charlie asked after my trigger finger was sore and my palm ached. Jesus...it was like doing drugs! What was it about shooting guns that made me feel invincible? I felt like a total badass...like I could take on Steven Segal, drunk, during Mardi Gras, despite the fact I had no self-defense or fighting skills. Shooting that Desert Eagle―combined with watching Edward shoot so expertly, that intense look he had when he aimed―had me riding on a freaking cloud...no, on a fucking magic carpet.

_**"A whole new world...shining, shimmering, splendid..."**___

No, girls. Now is not the time to sing songs from a Disney musical.

Especially when the way I felt was decidedly _not_ G-rated. I had no idea how I was going to keep my hands off him tonight.

Back at the house, we all helped to switch out the gear, trading the gun equipment for party supplies. We finished with a few minutes left to change clothes. I didn't trust myself to be alone with Edward so soon after the orgasmically delicious sight of him shooting a deadly weapon, so I gathered my change of attire and sprinted for the bathroom to change.

Going with an outfit that meant comfort as well as easy access, in no time I was dressed in a white wife-beater style tank and a calf-length, flowing royal blue skirt with intricate beading at the hip-hugging waistline. The beads were my favorite part―I was a sucker for anything that sparkled. Flip-flops were the obvious footwear choice, as we were headed to the beach.

Reasonably pleased with my appearance, I gave myself one final inspection, staring in the mirror and trying to find the guts to take off my undies and shove them in Edward's back pocket. But I was a pussy, and I'd never have the stones to do something so brash..._but I could definitely ditch the panties..._

After changing, we set out to pick up Alice and Jasper. My dad had already headed out to First Beach with the burgers and dogs, and our trunk was filled with various cookies and brownies, plus coolers full of extra ice.

And blankets. Lots of blankets. Sand creeps, you know.

I was definitely jealous of my friends' little vacation cabin and cursed myself for inviting them. The desire to demand that Alice and Jasper stay in my room was strong. After all, _they _were married, so Charlie shouldn't have a problem if they shared a bed under his roof.

They were definitely taking advantage of their alone time, only in a way that was completely unexpected.

I smelled something funny as we climbed the three porch steps. "It smells like Jake out here," I complained, wrinkling my nose. I guess that should have prepared me for the sight waiting behind the closed door.

Edward's dear, tiny, energetic, angelic-looking sister was puffing on a big, fat Marley of a joint.

_Jacob "Half-Baked" Black has struck again._

"_Alice!_ You're a Kindergarten teacher!! You can't smoke weed!" I blinked for a moment as I stopped…something was off about what I'd just yelled.

As if Alice had read my mind, she said, "Hey! Kenny was a kindergarten teacher in _Half Baked! _ Don't tell me I can't 'meet Mary Jane' every once in a while."

I laughed so hard I had to bend over and slap my leg like some kind of obnoxious ass. "That's right!" I cackled. "'I love Buttered-Stuff!'"

To my surprise, Alice took on the role of the police officer, screaming "'It's Butter-CUP! Say it!'" and then dissolving into her own impressive and obnoxious cackle.

My fake sob was ruined by laughter. "'Buttercup! Buttercup!'" _Jesus, I must have a contact high! I didn't think those actually existed…_

_More importantly_, I wondered, _where the hell does Jake get his weed? That shit is dangerous._

My crappy mood was instantly gone and I couldn't stop laughing, until I chanced a look at Edward to see how he was taking this. He was glaring at me as if he could visually tase me and I instantly blushed to the roots of my hair – still trying to swallow my laughter. I held up my hands in a gesture of peace.

"Don't hurt an unarmed woman," I giggled like an idiot.

"Bella, you didn't –"

I didn't give him a chance to finish. He was likely to blurt out something that would likely embarrass both of us. "No, Edward, it's a movie quote, remember?" I tried to wink at him, but we all know how good I am at winking.

Even so, understanding dawned on his pretty, pretty face.

_**We just want to pat that jaw…and lick it…and bite it…nom nom nom.**_

"Bella, do you have something in your eye?" he asked, not even bothering to hide his amusement.

Well. That'll teach me to rescue his delicious ass from embarrassment ever again.

"Yeah, I bet the smoke is bothering me. Guys, if you want a ride to the beach, call us when Jasper gets back and we'll come get you." I tugged at Edward's arm and we started for the door. I was going to kiss that smirk off his mouth when we got to the car.

"Wait!" Alice called. "Jasper isn't gone; he's taking a little weed nap." She was still grinning widely, wiping a stray tear from her red-rimmed stoner eyes.

"Jasper, too?" My eyebrows shot somewhere up near the ceiling. Just then, he stumbled out of the connecting bedroom, scratching his head and yawning. I legitimately snorted when I saw his ratty t-shirt that read: _The Man, The Myth, The Legend._ Below _that_ was an arrow pointing to his crotch.

"Nice shirt, Jasper. Really classy," Edward drawled. To me, he whispered, "Stop looking at that arrow."

_**  
**__**"The Legend?" We'd love to know if that's accurate... **_

_Girls, shh! You're not supposed to say that kind of thing out loud... _

"You shut up, Edward!" I laughed, because I really had been looking.

"Blame your sainted sister for this one, Edward. She bought it," he said, stifling another yawn and scratching his head. "Ya'll think you could be just a little bit louder?" His hair stuck up in all directions, but was so long and curly that it sort of resembled a small beehive.

"I did buy it, because it's true," Alice chimed in from the couch, rushing up to Jasper; practically climbing up his tall, lanky body, licking her palms and trying to flatten his hair.

Edward and I stared at each other, horrified. "Gross," we both whispered, turning back to watch the show. Alice was still spit-grooming away, but soon ran into trouble.

"Mah ton ith sthuck!" This, coupled with the sight of her tongue stuck to her palm—mid-lick—sent Edward and me into fits of laughter. She obviously had a pretty significant case of cotton-mouth.

"Edward, I'm not sure Alice is safe to be around any pyrotechnics or large bodies of water right now," I whispered quickly, leaning close to his ear.

"Maybe so, but take a look at Jasper. He's looking slower than a tranqued-out rhino. He'll be drinking beer on the blanket all night, and he's a clingy drunk. Alice won't be able to get more than a foot from him."

Looking over at Jasper, I saw he'd staggered back to the couch and sat down, Alice hanging onto him like a spider monkey.

"Looks like _she's_ a clingy stoner." I leaned into him and his arm came around my back, his palm coming to rest on my waist. "I guess it's not like we wouldn't be driving them back here tonight, anyway." I sighed. "Are you sure it's smart to let the drunk and the stoned babysit each other? Isn't that a bit like the blind leading the blind?"

"Do you want to sneak off alone, or not?" he asked with a wicked smile.

Oh, yeah. Tonight was going to be fun.

* * *

_Wow...a regular update feels weird, doesn't it? But weird is good sometimes. I screwed up last chapter and deleted my duplicate 21 from one of the FF fails way back when, and all of you who reviewed chapter 25 couldn't review the last one. I'm still trying to answer PMs (okay, I haven't answered many yet, but I've been writing...sigh. I WILL do it. Thank you so, so much for trying to review, sending me messages, tweeting me, and most of all, for reading._

_AmeryMarie tells me I need to add this disclaimer: I mean no offense to any native Washingtonians by my characterizations of the rather colorful characters at the firing range. However, if you grew up in Southeast MO like me, you might want to be offended, because that's where I got my ideas. ;)_

_There's still time for the FML Contest! Voting closes on March 3__rd__. If you'd like to read my entry, _Love Stings_, you can visit the FML profile at:_

**http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2187120/FML_Contest**

_My beta, EchoesOfTwilight, has a super-cute entry as well, called _All the Ingredients for A Good Day. _I'll say it again, EVERYTHING she writes is gold. _

_Like I said last chapter, I wouldn't mind your vote, either. ;)_

_See you all next week...same Bat time, same Bat channel...I couldn't resist. Sorry. And don't be pissed at Edward. I have a plan. Do you trust me?_


	28. Chapter 28: Festival of Fire

_I don't own Twilight or any other copyrighted material herein. No copyright infringement is intended. _

_The reviews last chapter had me laughing my ass off. It appears there are quite a few of you from my neck of the woods. I thoroughly enjoyed every single comment!_

_Many thanks to EchoesOfTwilight for the betafishing. This one seemed to need it much more than the others...sorry. _

_This one's for you, Lisa. _

_

* * *

  
_

**Chapter 28: Festival of Fire**

There was nothing quite like one of Charlie Swan's Fourth of July barbecues. Some of the locals had dubbed it the Festival of Fire, and often joked it was a very good thing that the entire Forks Police and Fire departments were already in attendance.

You see, my father was a closet pyromaniac who wasn't so closeted on Independence Day―there were far too many things to be blown up, like innocent potatoes and iron anvils.

Charlie reveled in flaunting power over his dominion by setting up the biggest and most extreme amateur fireworks show for miles around, often going to great lengths to surprise and impress. Two years ago, he and Harry Clearwater had built a giant mound in the sand and rocks and, under the watchful direction of Billy Black, organized a mock guerrilla battle using plastic army men. That year, Charlie spent two hundred dollars on Black Cats alone. Useless, loud, annoying Black Cats that served only as sound effects for the battle, which was wired with bottle rockets, screamers, mortars, shells, smoke bombs, and God-knew-what-else their drunk asses had managed to twist together in one giant fuse.

Two people lost their index fingers that day, and three hundred plastic soldiers lost their lives in a fiery death. This was all before dusk.

Charlie spent that night in the drunk tank in Port Angeles. He had a long-standing feud with the local precinct of the Washington State Patrol, and his nemesis, Sergeant Pigg (I know, I couldn't believe it either, and I could never face him without giggling), had been waiting on the other side of the Rez border, ready to ticket me for my broken taillight and charge my father with Public Drunkenness as soon as he stepped out of the truck to argue.

Guess who had to bail him out of county at seven a.m. the next morning.

The potential for accidents, fights, injuries, and drunken mayhem was high with every Festival of Fire. Now, one might think this was a bad thing, but I was counting on it working in my favor. The more fuckery going on to occupy the Chief's attention, the better chance Edward and I had of sneaking away undiscovered.

Until then, I planned to stick close to Alice, Jasper, and Edward, since they were newcomers. As such, they were fair game for pranks or ribbing, and they needed someone with my mouth on their side...especially since the Stoner Twins were only operating at half-capacity.

They'd been pretty hilarious in the car, but I could tell they were getting on Edward's nerves. Alice declared she was starving about every ten minutes, alternating between begging Edward to stop by the local McDonald's and pleading with me to call Domino's. Jasper kept wondering aloud about the lack of armadillos amongst the roadkill population. Edward had to keep reminding him that we were in the Pacific Northwest, not Texas, and, I quote, it was "way too fucking cold for armadillos up here." He finally had to tell them to be quiet, because he apparently couldn't hear my directions.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed as we paused at the last stop sign before the beach.

He laughed, taking my hand across the console. "I'm the one who should be sorry...she's _my _sister."

"Yeah, but she was corrupted by Jake, which is my fault."

"Hey!" Alice shouted in an ear-piercing screech. "You two are talking about us!"

"It's not very nice to talk about people, you know," Jasper cautioned. "It's not polite."

"Yeah," Alice huffed.

"We're sorry, Alice," Edward and I chanted in monotone unison, sharing a secret glance of exasperation.

Alice and Jasper reluctantly accepted our insincere apology just as Edward parked in one of the few remaining spots, and the tiff was forgotten in an instant as soon as she spotted the crowd gathered on the beach below. They were off in a flash, leaving Edward and me to carry everything. It took more than one trip, but I didn't really mind.

"Wow...when you said your dad threw a big party on the Fourth, you weren't kidding," he said, taking in the expanse of beach covered in colorful blankets and camp chairs. People milled about, burgers and beers in hand. Children squealed as they played in the surf and waded in tidal pools. Charlie was manning one of those huge grills they always used at bank barbecues―the kind that had to be hitched to the back of a pickup and towed. _Men and their toys..._

_**Girls' toys are much more fun...men think their power tools are entertaining...**_

They had no idea. Not that I'd had much of a need lately for power tools of the...erotic variety. And that reason was probably waiting for some kind of explanation.

"Yeah, sorry about that...it gets bigger and bigger every year. Since the town had major budget cuts a few years ago, this is really the only fireworks show around for Independence day. Dad sets it up, but everyone contributes. It's kind of like a neighborhood picnic for the whole town."

"We had neighborhood picnics back in Chicago, but they were never like this," he said, his eyes glazing over as he took in the sea of people, many of whom were staring right at us.

"Small town," I said with a shrug. "We have to take our entertainment where we get it."

"I can see that," he laughed, ducking to miss a wayward frisbee from a heated game of Polish Horseshoes going on nearby. The longer we stood there, the more heads turned our way. I could see quite a few speculative glances and covert whispers, which could only lead to bad things. It was likely that by the time news of my date reached the other end of the crowd, I'd be pregnant with Edward's test-tube triplets and we were visiting Forks for a shotgun wedding.

"Let's go, before they get really brave and start interrogating you," I said quickly, scanning the crowd for Jasper and Alice, finally spotting them at the edge of the field of blankets and chairs.

On the way back to the car after depositing the first load in a nice spot with our spaced-out tag-alongs, Edward and I celebrated our first minute alone since this afternoon with a long, slow, and very thorough kiss. Within a few minutes, his hands were wandering everywhere, sneaking under my shirt, skimming the curve of my back, and knotting in my hair. I was beginning to think Edward had a thing for outdoor-lovin', but I sure as hell didn't mind.

He dragged his lips across my cheek and left nuzzling kisses along my jaw as he palmed my hip in one hand, pulling me up against him. I could feel the heat of his skin through the thin fabric of my skirt and wondered if this would be the moment he discovered my attempt at playing sex-kitten.

"Why didn't you want me to fire the Desert Eagle, Bella?" he purred―_yes,_ it was a fucking _purr―_and I pulled away in mock indignation, forgetting about my lack of undergarments.

"I should have known this was all part of your interrogation technique," I quipped, making a _tsk-tsk_ sound as I shook my head. "You play dirty." I let my voice lower, giving him a wolfish grin.

_**We play dirty, too, Bella. Dirrrty like Christina Aguilera.**_

_Gross. No. Never. She wears_ way _too much makeup._

"If you think _that_ was dirty, stay quiet. I'd love to try and convince you to talk."

Oh, fuck _me_. If we'd been in a restaurant, it would have been a "Check, please!" moment. My inner cartoon's head spun, flying off my neck and floating away a cloud of steam that escaped out of my neck. Hearts and flowers spun around my head in a little circle and blind Cupid shot me in the ass with his arrow.

_Too late, buddy. I was tagged the minute I set eyes on him._

Arching a brow, I pantomimed zipping my lips, then turned on my heel and sauntered away, pretending to toss the key over my shoulder in his direction. He followed me, slowly, on the prowl like a stalking feline. The girls yowled like female cats in heat, but made sure to let me know they weren't looking for just any old tom.

_**Only the Precious, Bella...or Dr. Hoo-Ha...or Jasper's Legend.**_

_Promiscuous, faithless little bitches._

When we reached the car, he circled around the opposite side, pinning me with a burning stare as I opened the trunk and bent over, deliberately showing him _my _trunk. It didn't take long for him to come up behind me, his hands settling on either side of my hips and yanking me back against him. I stood up with a laugh that shortly dissolved into a moan as he set his lips to my neck. His teeth closed on the tendon at the crook of my shoulder with a gentle sting, which he soothed with a warm, wet stroke of his tongue.

"Ready to talk yet?" he murmured, widening his stance as he turned me in his arms and pulled me to stand between his legs.

"I think I need more convincing," I replied, winding my arms around his neck. He set his lips to mine with bruising force, nipping and sucking at my lips and tongue... I didn't think he'd ever kissed me this roughly before.

Again...I sure as hell didn't mind. Our teeth bumped together in clumsy urgency as I fisted my hands in his hair, pulling his face as close as I could get him, not bothering to temper my sound of disappointment when he pulled away with a smirk.

"Feeling more talkative? I'm warning you, Bella...this is as dirty as I get without fucking it out of you," he drawled, his voice a husky, dark melody next to my ear.

"I'll never be a stool-pigeon! I'll suffer the consequences," I choked out through choppy breaths. My pulse pounded in my ears and...other places. "In fact, I think you should get much, much dirtier." I nodded gravely just to enforce the seriousness of the situation.

_**Yes, Edward...punish us. Use everything in that arsenal of sexy you wield so well...**_

I had to admit, it wasn't the worst suggestion they'd ever made.

Edward was the one to whimper this time. "Bella, you just can't say things like that to me when we're in public," he pleaded, dropping his forehead to my shoulder.

That was how my father found us. I swear, the man had radar for ruining my good time.

"We're waiting on the ice down there, and you two are up here necking like a couple of teenagers! I had to leave Harry in charge of the grill, Bella. You know he won't give up the spatula once he's got it in his sneaky little hands. He's a grill usurper!"

Edward and I sprang away from each other and tried to look innocent, but Charlie wasn't having any of it.

"You two can't even be trusted to carry a tray of cookies," he muttered, grabbing one of the extra coolers from the trunk and stalking off, shaking his head in consternation. "Get your asses down to the beach before I send Jacob over to get you."

"Okay, okay, Dad," I blurted. "No need to pull out the big guns." I wasn't sure if he'd heard me, but I wanted to make sure we got back to the party before he sent Jake on our trail. "Let's hurry. We don't want Jake hanging around us all night."

"Definitely not." He grabbed the other spare cooler and tossed a blanket over the handle as I took the only remaining quilt and slammed the trunk shut. Edward tossed a dirty look at my father's retreating back. "I'm changing Charlie's nickname to Captain Harris, because he's always ruining my fun," he muttered, making me giggle.

_**Yeah, he's a fucking cock-blocker.**_

_He can't be around all the time, girls. We'll just have to make sure he's occupied...or we're hidden well enough that he can't find us._

"Don't let him hear you say that...unless you want to risk waking up tomorrow tied to a tree somewhere in La Push."

"You just don't want him to be Captain Harris because that would make you Sergeant Procter," he teased, causing me to snort.

"'Move it, move it, move it!'" I chortled, tossing him a snappy salute and marching exaggeratedly toward the bonfire with the last blanket slung over my shoulder.

"Isn't that the Chief's line?" he called from behind me. I playfully gave him the finger, to which he replied, "I'd love to, Bella," as he hefted the last cooler and caught up to me.

"You're an evil tease."

"It's not teasing if you plan to follow through," he murmured, zapping me with the tractor beam.

_Oh, Buttercup...I was going to go easy on you..._

"Really?" I drawled, giving him my best searing stare. I even licked my lips for good measure, because men were simple creatures and any little thing could turn them on.

"Definitely." _Come on, give me the smirk, so I can floor you..._

"Good to know...oh, and Edward? I can play dirty, too." He raised an eyebrow and the smirk got wider, because my man was an arrogant ass. And I loved it. Stopping in the path, I waited for him to reach me. I pulled his head down to mine, tangling my fingers in his hair as I set my lips to his ear. "Because I'm not wearing any underwear..." I whispered, and then I took off down the path, with him close behind.

_**Way to go, Bella! We're so proud of our baby girl. She's growing up so fast.**_

"Now who's an evil tease?" he growled, distracting me from the insanity of the girls. One large hand reached out to swat my ass, making me yelp.

"'It's not teasing if I plan to follow through,'" I sang with a smug grin.

"Jesus...I've created a monster..."

I let him stew as we drew closer to the party, the salty bite of ocean air carrying the scents of burgers, hot dogs, and god knows what else the locals had shot or trapped.

For the rest of the way, I sent up a little prayer for everyone's extremities, begging the gods of fireworks, beer and American summer holidays to grant a little mercy for the fire-loving citizens of Forks.

_Although if someone loses a finger due to shooting bottle rockets out of their hands, it's their own damn fault._

~*^*~

As twilight descended on the happy, mostly inebriated party-goers, parents gathered their children from the tidal pools and gradually migrated to their blankets, the sinking sun the standard signal that the show was imminent. I sat in Edward's lap, eating a hot dog. Not because I like hot dogs, but purely because of their phallic shape. I _did_ promise him I could play dirty...

The Stoner Twins sat next to us, chattering away in what I swear was their own secret language. It might have just been that they were both too intoxicated to enunciate properly, but I was convinced some of those words had absolutely no root in any language...anywhere. Jasper lay with his head in Alice's lap, trying rather poorly to conduct the music coming from the stereo a few blankets over. Alice's hands were busy as well...braiding corn-rows into his tangled, curly hair. It wasn't a good look for him.

After finishing my instrument of torture―er, my _hot dog_―I hopped up, wadding up my paper plate for the trash.

"I'm going to raid my dad's fireworks stash. Want me to bring some back, guys?" I asked, hoping that if I plied them with fireworks, they wouldn't notice if―or _when_―Edward and I sneaked off for a while.

"Oh, would you, Bella?" Alice asked, unnecessarily pleading with her huge eyes, blinking at me sappily. "Bring back some good ones," she added, rubbing her hands together―with a lock of Jasper's hair still between them.

"Ow, Babe! You know I have a tender scalp," he protested, gingerly rubbing the top of his head. He scowled, feeling the ridged braids that decorated half of his head. "What the hell did you do to my hair?"

"Don't worry, Hon...I'll fix it before we leave." Her tone was both patronizing and soothing, somewhat like the voice you'd use to speak to a dumb dog or small child. It worked, since Jasper settled right back into her lap and let her continue making a mess of his hair.

Edward rolled his eyes in their direction and hopped up quickly. "Need a hand carrying those fireworks?"

"I always need your hands, Edward," I returned with an evil smile as I turned away. He caught up to me easily, wrapping an arm around my waist as we neared the bonfire, helping me dodge running children and adolescents alike.

"You're mean," he murmured in my ear. I didn't need to see his face to know he was pouting.

"But that just makes it even better when I'm super nice."

"You're never 'super nice.'"

"What do you call this afternoon? And this morning? And last night―"

He playfully clapped a hand over my mouth, stifling my reminders of all the sexy-times we'd had in the last twenty-four hours.

"I'd call it very naughty," he growled, the hand at my waist slipping over the curve of my hip to trace where my undies should have been.

I burst out laughing behind his hand, then licked his palm so he'd pull it away.

"Gross, Bella!" he laughed, wiping his hand on his jeans.

"Hey, you just said I'm _naughty... _Who uses that word, anyway? Besides Santa Claus, that is."

"Santa Claus? I could have sworn we were talking about sex. Santa Claus and sex should _not_ be in the same sentence," he said, looking a bit sick.

"You're the one who _put_ them in the same sentence, not me!"

"See? You're mean _and_ naughty."

"Stop saying that word!"

He put his hand over my mouth again. I licked him―again.

"I'd rather have your tongue somewhere else if you're going to be naughty."

The girls popped up like a jack-in-the-box. _**It doesn't go in your mouth, Bella!**_

_Oh, hell._

"Edward, you planned that one, admit it." If my voice was a tiny bit shaky, it was from laughter―I swear. I wasn't actually turned on by a sentence that contained one of my least favorite words, was I?

"I did," he said smugly.

"You're bad."

"Would you go so far as to say I'm..._naughty_?"

I rolled my eyes, earning a rich laugh as we neared the opposite end of the beach, where the Chief was setting up for the show. Pulling Edward aside before Charlie could see us, I planted a loud, obnoxious kiss on his cheek.

"Why don't you go grab a blanket and find a hidden spot?" I suggested, backing away with my eyes locked on his. Slowly, the sex smirk crept over his face as he followed me.

"But how will you find me?"

"I didn't think of that." I paused, trying to figure out a way I could spare Edward any more hazing from my father. "Well...how about I get the fireworks and you grab some water for us. I'll meet you at the cooler."

"Sounds good," he said lowly, a very _naughty_ gleam in his eye. _Damn it! Bad words! No!_

After wheedling the leftover kiddie fireworks from Charlie (there was no way I was giving serious fireworks to the Stoner Twins), I carried a paper sack filled with snakes, smoke bombs, sparklers, and other wuss pyrotechnics over to the cooler.

Edward was cornered, by none other than Lauren "Molest-Me" Mallory. The girls set their phasers to Kill.

He relaxed visibly as soon as he spotted me, smiling widely in relief.

"You're here with _Bella_?" Lauren asked, hurting my ears with her shrill, valley-girl voice. Disbelief was written all over her face, which really pissed me off. I wanted to punch her for the implication that I wasn't good enough for Edward.  
_  
_He quickly maneuvered around her, wrapping an arm about my shoulders. "Of course," he said, now that he had suitable backup―namely, me. "She's the most beautiful woman here." He looked down at me as he said it, and I had to admit I liked hearing it, even if it was only to deflect the man-eater in front of us.

"Edward, this is Lauren. We went to high-school together," I said cheerfully, thoroughly enjoying the sour expression Lauren couldn't seem to hide.

"Nice to meet you. I hope you'll forgive my not shaking hands," he said politely, gesturing with the water bottle he held. I didn't blame him. I didn't want to shake her hand either. Who knew where it had been? And with Lauren, the permutations were endless.

"Oh, that's no problem at all! So, you're Bella's _friend_ from Seattle?" she tittered, giggling annoyingly and bending forward a bit, showing off her enormous fake boobs. _Wow...is one of them a little lopsided?_ I tilted my head in the direction of the wayward fun-bag, wondering what she'd done to her poor ta-ta...or if she'd just gone the discount breast augmentation route. Like a mismatched implant sale, or something. Buy one, get one half off...literally.

"Friend?" Edward was saying, raising an eyebrow as he pinched me lightly on the arm. I couldn't help it―I'd spent two years perfecting the art of ignoring "Molest-Me" Mallory, and I easily slipped back into the routine even close to ten years later. "I guess you could call her that. She _is_ my best friend." He grinned roguishly and pulled me closer. _God, he's so sweet!_

I could practically hear the rusted gears in her brain start to turn, and while I had every confidence that Edward would set her straight in time, I still thirsted for a more direct attack. Where was Caveward when I needed him? _Maybe Cavella should make an appearance..._

_**Our Precious! Oooga booga!**_

"Well, if you'd like a..._thorough_ tour of the town, I'd be happy to show you around," she offered, sidling closer even as Edward shrank back against my side. That was it.

"Can it, Lauren. I'm sure Edward doesn't want his dick to fall off―" I ignored the girls' horrified screams, "―and God knows _I'd_ be devastated if that happened," I began, my voice rising steadily with the fury of Cavella. "So take your village bicycle ass somewhere else before I give you a flat tire."

Lauren turned white beneath her industrial strength Tammy Faye Bakker makeup, before stomping off toward the bonfire.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side," Edward laughed as we made our way back to Alice and Jasper.

"Edward, don't worry. You'd never be on my bad side, even if you had ten different strains of gonorrhea like Lauren probably does," I said, deadly serious.

"Ten, huh? That's impressive," he mused. "Achieving that level of whoredom must take a lot of work."

"Believe me, Edward. I'd bet money that Lauren's genital warts _have_ genital warts."

He laughed all the way back to our spot.

~*^*~

The fireworks were just about to start when Edward and I finally found a secluded strip of sand hidden between a large boulder and a stand of conifers.

"I thought we'd never get away," I sighed, leaning back against his chest as we sat together on the soft blanket.

"I guess I should have told you my sister wouldn't be satisfied with kid fireworks."

I chuckled again as I pictured Alice's face when she first dumped the sack of fireworks onto their blanket, digging through them like a toddler with a sack of Halloween candy. To say she'd been unimpressed by my selection was an understatement. We'd finally managed to get away when I'd promised to give her anything Charlie had left over at the end of the night.

_If _he had anything...but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

Colors burst in the sky above, signaling the beginning of the show, and we fell quiet for a few minutes. The flashing hues of burning elements and muffled "oohs" and "ahs" of the crowd were comfortable and familiar. Sharp scents of smoke and burned powder drifted in on the breeze, adding to the perfect, patriotic tableau I found myself in.

"I love you," I whispered, somewhat embarrassed at the silly emotions tonight was evoking in me.

"I love you, too, Bella." Such simple little words, but they were enough.

Edward's hair tickled my cheek as he leaned forward, pressing his lips to my neck. I hummed in contentment, tilting my head to the side to give him more room. His arms tightened around my waist, pulling me back against his hips until I could feel him pressing insistently against my ass.

Slowly, his hands crept upward until he lightly brushed his thumbs over my nipples, opening his mouth and blowing hot breath just behind my ear. I tried to turn in his arms, but he held me fast, content to nuzzle at my neck and torture me with light flicks of his thumbs. When I didn't think I could withstand much more, I grabbed a handful of his hair, holding his head in place while I kissed him urgently.

His hands skimmed down my stomach and over my thighs, gripping handfuls of my skirt and tugging upward. After he bunched the fabric around my hips, he palmed the inside of my knee and slowly dragged his hand up until his fingers brushed over slick, impatient skin. I bucked my hips against his hand, and he slipped two fingers inside of me. Groaning softly, his head dropped over my shoulder so he could watch his hand moving between my thighs. His whole frame trembled as he pushed deep and curved his fingers in the way that made me insane.

"Fuck...you're always ready for me, aren't you?" My "yes" was muffled by his lips and tongue, the contact desperate and needy and entirely too brief. Oh, yes...Edward Cullen definitely had a thing for getting it on in the out of doors. I whimpered as he withdrew his fingers, but that was soon forgotten as he turned me to face him on his lap.

"Bella, I want to be gentle, but I can't," he panted at my ear, his breath searing my neck as he licked a hot trail up my jaw. His hand was back between my legs, his fingers plying my sensitive flesh with teasing strokes. I locked my arms around his shoulders and crossed my ankles on the blanket behind him. Once settled, I went to work on the worn flannel he wore over his t-shirt, clumsily shoving buttons through holes that seemed much too small.

"It's okay, Edward," I whispered, spreading the halves of the now open button-down and pushing it off the slope of his strong shoulders. "I want you, always. Any way you come to me..."

His fingers moved to swirl around my clit, his mouth finding mine again for another hard kiss.

Fireworks crackled and burst overhead in a wonderfully cliched metaphor, sending all the shades of the visible spectrum flashing against the backdrop of Edward's pale skin as I pulled the other shirt over his head and loosened his jeans, freeing him from the tight confines. His hair picked up the warm colors, the faint light intensifying the different shades in his already vibrant mane.

"I love you," I breathed against his lips, trying to convey how true those three simple words were, how deeply they went, how they marked me forever. His hands raced over every inch of exposed skin, coaxing moans and sighs from my throat with incredible ease. I gripped his fingers in my own, stilling their restless wandering as I watched him through lowered lashes.

"Let me," I whispered, over and over, leaving the words on his lips, his cheeks, everywhere I could reach.

"Anything, Bella." It was a coarse whisper, gritty and broken and _real_, and as I fell into the abyss of his stormy green eyes, glinting dark and desperate, I could see how much he meant it.

Squeezing my eyes shut against the hot salt of tears, I forced a hand between us and quickly guided him home, loving the blunt, burning pressure as I stretched around him. I _took_ him, because that's what he needed from me, whether he knew it or not.

It was perfect―all hot, rushing breath and insistent, rocking movement; what had begun in a hurried tangle of limbs evolved into a slow, erotic climb that peaked in an incendiary clash of two people who needed nothing more than each other.

Hidden in our secluded little spot, I could hear the drunken laughter of party-goers as they milled around in the aftermath of Charlie's fireworks extravaganza. It was extremely intimate, knowing Edward and I were sharing something so private not one hundred yards away from dozens of drunken revelers.

It brought a smile to my face, and I had the thought that this was how it should always be: Edward and I, together, sharing something secret and special and ours. There was us, and then there was everything else. I knew it would always be this way for me...and I hoped he felt the same.

But as we sat there, breathing hard and wrapped up in one another, I couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't brought up Rose and Emmett's upcoming wedding. A gust of chilly wind blew in off the surf and I shivered with the cold, goose flesh rippling over my bare arms and legs.

"Are you cold?" he asked softly, chafing his palms up and down my arms.

"A little," I mumbled, untangling myself from his embrace, unable to keep the apprehension out of my voice. Rummaging around in my bag for some tissues, I made quick work of the cleanup, lost in my own thoughts. Edward had righted his own clothing, once again wearing his t-shirt, searching for his button-down. I sat with my elbows on my knees and stared at the rolling surf, watching the moonlight glittering off the waves as if it held the answers to all my insecurities.

_Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me tonight? I just had amazing sex, _on the beach, _no less, and I've managed not to get any sand in bad places...yet._

_**Sorry, Bella. Hormones. We're just doing our job. You know, if you just give us what we want, we'll quit bothering you...**_

_Just leave me the fuck alone, girls. I'm trying to get rid of my emo here, not make it worse._

Silence. _Wow, I love it when they listen._

Edward had found his missing shirt and was shaking it with fervor. I managed a little laugh as he came to sit next to me, draping the shirt over my shoulders and wrapping me in a tight hug.

"There better not be any sand in this thing," I tried to quip playfully, but it came out sounding more grouchy than anything.

"Hey, it's a hazard of getting naked on the beach," he whispered playfully in my ear, finally eliciting a tiny smile from me.

"True," I agreed, making him scowl.

"How would you know?" He tugged me closer, a little growl escaping his lips.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Even though I was feeling crabby, I was never one to pass up an opportunity to yank his chain. "And how do _you_ know?"

"Educated guess," he said sourly, sighing as he stared out at the water with an exaggerated pout.

"Movies, Edward."

"What?"

"That's how I knew. You should know that; it's how I come across most of my useful information," I explained, giving him a kiss on the cheek and laying my head on his shoulder.

"Thank God," he sighed in relief. "I was wondering how I was ever going to get you naked on the beach in Hawaii without wondering who introduced you to sandy beach sex."

_Wait...whaaa?_  
_  
I stew over this for two weeks and he just brings it up out of the blue?_

I whipped my head up to look at him in shock. "What did you say? You did _not _just make a nonchalant comment about fucking me in Hawaii when you haven't even _invited me?" _

He stared at me, mouth gaping open like a fish out of water as he struggled for words.

"Shit," he finally sighed.

"Yeah," I agreed, turning my gaze to the glittering ocean, clenching my jaw to try and mitigate my irritation. _ Does he just think I'll follow him anywhere?_ Just because I _would_ didn't mean he had a right to assume... At least, I would if I could swing the plane tickets. That was still up in the air―there was no way I was letting him pay for that.  
_  
I'm a semi-responsible adult...I know how to save for something special...don't I? Crap._ It looked like my credit card was going to get a workout.

"Bella," he began, still searching for words, apparently. "I'm sorry...I just thought..." He growled in frustration, alternating between nervously rubbing his eyebrow and raking his hand through his messy hair.

Though I was a bit ticked with him, I still didn't like to see him flustered because of me, unless it was in a sexual way. _That_ was completely fine. Slipping an arm around his waist, I idly rubbed his side―I couldn't _not_ try to make him feel better, even though his absentminded "man" side was showing.

"I don't know what I thought," he finally said. "I mean, I pretty much stalk you every minute I'm not at work." _Only _I _would find that sweet...maybe because I do the same to him. _"You're all I think about when you're not with me...I just kind of assumed you knew I wanted you to go."

"I may be super awesome, Buttercup, but I'm not a mind reader." He remained silent, absently picking at sand at the edge of the blanket. I watched him, my bitchiness completely dissipating as he sat there looking miserable. I didn't want to ruin what had been an incredible day―in spite of my father's antics and this silly little issue. It wasn't worth it to start a fight. "Hey," I whispered, waiting for his eyes to meet mine. "All you have to do is ask."

A slow smile spread across his face, and he leaned in to press a soft kiss to my lips.

"But I'm paying for my ticket," I rushed out when he pulled away. "_If _you're going to ask me, that is."

"Oh, I'm going to ask," he returned, "And you won't be paying for your ticket."

"Yes, I will. If this hypothetical invitation even comes..." I trailed off, raising an eyebrow.

"You can't buy a ticket that's already paid for." _Oh, Smirky McSmirkerson, how I've missed you in the entire ten minutes you were gone...hah._

"I'm not letting your family pay my way," I insisted, shaking my head.

His brows drew together in a dark frown. "Fucking Alice," he growled, rolling his eyes. "How long have you known about that?"

"Since Thursday night." I looked down at my lap, but he wouldn't have any of it.

"I'm sorry, Bella." He brushed his fingers over my cheek, resting his hand at the back of my neck. "And I'm especially sorry that you heard about it from Alice, instead of from me."

I finally met his eyes again. "Edward, you don't need to apologize. I'm not angry, and it was silly of me to be upset. I could have said something to you, but I didn't. That's my own fault." I smiled, turning my head to kiss his arm. "Now, don't you have something to ask me?"

He grinned, playfully pushing me to my back. I laughed at his sudden shift in mood; marveling at how his demeanor could bounce all over the place like one of those rubber balls I used to get out of the toy machines at the grocery store.

He cleared his throat with a snotty air of importance, making me laugh a little harder.

"Are you quite finished?" he asked in a clipped tone, his voice full of English butler and ice as he looked down his nose at me.

I snorted at his raised eyebrow. "Okay, Mr. Belvedere."

His lips twitched at the corners as he narrowed his eyes at me, waiting for me to stop giggling at him.

"Please, carry on, sir," I said, biting at my lips so I wouldn't smile.

"Isabella," he began, in what I liked to call his "serious" voice. Wow...hearing my full name from Edward was _so_ much better than hearing it from one of my parents.

_**Getting in trouble is worth it if we get to hear **_**that**_** voice...**_

Completely.

"Will you please accompany me to Hawaii for Rose and Em's wedding?"

I pretended to consider. "As your date?" I asked, unable to completely banish the smart-ass inside of me.

"Yes," he answered shortly, not giving up on the butler act.

"Easy there, Smithers," I soothed, looping my arms about his neck.

"Smithers?" he asked in disbelief, derision twisting his lips into a sour little pout.

"Yeah, Mr. Burns' butler."

"Smithers isn't a butler," he protested, finally laughing at my absurdity.

"Yes, he is!" I insisted. He kept shaking his head. "Then what _is _he?"

"I don't know...his assistant?"

"But he _lives _with Mr. Burns. He does butler stuff too."

"Well, don't call me Smithers...he's _in love_ with Mr. Burns," he sputtered, frowning darkly at me.

"Edward," I sighed, reaching down with one hand to pinch his really grab-able ass, causing him to buck his hips. "I _know_ you're not gay, silly."

"Good," he huffed. "Now, why are we having a discussion concerning whether or not Smithers was a butler?"

"You're the one who brought it up," I said, laughing. He started chuckling, which dissolved into full-blown laughter. The wind picked up, sending my hair blowing all over my face. Gentle fingers grazed my forehead as he swept the wild strands away, knotting his hand in the tangled mass to hold it at bay.

"So?" he whispered, looking at me expectantly.

"Yes." My voice was just as quiet. His face broke into a brilliant grin as he reached behind him to take my hand in his, bringing it to his lips. "Wherever will I sleep?" I asked coyly, blinking up at him with a lazy smile.

"Where do you think?" he all but growled, nipping at my wrist before pressing my hand against the blanket next to my head. His eyes were intense as he tried to look stern, but the curve to his beautiful mouth pretty much ruined it. "You're sleeping with me."

_**Eeeeexcellent.**_

"Am I? Lucky me."

"Lucky _me_."

And that was all it took to make me abandon my usual snarkiness as I melted under the heat of his gaze. He was so handsome with the milky light of the moon lighting his face, his hair shimmering with dampened fire. He pressed his lips to mine, blocking out everything but him. I let my eyelids drift closed even as I opened my mouth to his.

He twined his fingers with mine against the blanket, flexing them in a loving squeeze as he nipped at my lips. My free hand found its way under the hem of his shirt, chilled fingers finding heaven on the soft skin of his back, causing him to stiffen and chuckle against my mouth. He pulled away, slowly licking his bottom lip and sighing in regret.

"I think we need to get you out of the wind," he said regretfully. "Come on, Biff. Let's pack up and get out of here. I'm sure it will take a while to convince Alice and Jasper it's time to leave."

"Yeah...and even longer to convince my father," I sighed, taking the hand Edward offered, hopping to my feet and shoving them back into my sandals. Reluctantly, we folded the blanket together, matching our corners and stealing a kiss as we made the final fold.

We held hands all the way back, walking in silence amid the crash of the waves, the sound insulating us from everyone else. It became obvious as we reached the bonfire that the party was winding down. Most of the elderly and parents with younger children were gone, leaving most everyone else to drink themselves into oblivion and the teenagers to try and wheedle liquor out of the very same drunken partiers.

Risky in front of my father, I know. I never said it was a bright idea. Didn't stop me from trying when I was younger, either.

"How is everyone getting home?" Edward asked, eying a couple that was stumbling toward the parking lot.

"Charlie organizes a ride for anyone who needs it. He sweet-talks old Mrs. Cope down at the bus yard into letting him borrow a school bus. Coach Clapp is a total straight edge and doesn't drink, plus he's got a commercial driver's license, so he drops everyone off in front of their homes," I explained.

"Why is that funny?" he chuckled. "Drunks on a bus...that could be a pretty entertaining movie."

"You're insane."

"Hey, they made _Snakes on A Plane,_ didn't they?"

"You've got a point there." I had to agree. Not even Samuel L. Jackson could save that one.

I spotted Charlie slouching in a camp chair a few yards from the fire, nursing a Vitamin R and trying not to nod off. We headed in his direction, weaving through the maze of blankets and chairs that surrounded the blaze.

"Hey, Dad," I said loudly. We hadn't exactly been around for a lot of his fireworks hi-jinks, so I wasn't sure how well he could hear at the moment. He jumped in surprise, spilling a little bit of beer in his lap. "I think it's time to head out."

"Nah, things are jus' getting started," he mumbled, sitting a little straighter in the chair. Squinting, he peered up at Edward and me with a frown. "Where have you two kids been? Necking in the parking lot again?"

_Oh, Dad, you really don't want to know...and I really don't _want_ you to know._

"No, Dad, we were watching the fireworks just like everyone else," I lied, squeezing Edward's hand in shared sex-conspiracy. "But really, it's time to go. I'm freezing, and we're your ride...unless you want to ride the bus home."

"It's still early, kids. Sit down and have a drink."

"Dad, there have to be _some _sober people here," I said quickly, not sure if now was the time to mention that Edward didn't drink. Looking around, I sighed. "And it looks like we're the only ones." Pointing toward the end of the beach, I saw Alice and Jasper staggering toward the fire. Jasper's shirt was now on backwards and if I wasn't mistaken, Alice was wearing the Triple F. I knew one when I saw it...I wore it a lot.

"Hey, Al!" Edward called, flagging them down. "You guys ready to go?"

"Yeah," Alice sang. "I'm tired of all this damn sand. It goes everywhere." She frowned, bending down to shake sand from her shoe, bumping into Jasper and nearly sending them both to the ground. Edward and I shared an amused look, and Charlie burst out laughing at a volume that could only come from someone that was completely shit-faced.

"Come on, Dad," I said firmly. "You know you have to be back out here tomorrow to help with the cleanup."

"Well, shit," he grumbled. "Bossed around by my own daughter. What the heck is this world coming to?" He slowly got to his feet and tilted his head back, chugging the rest of his beer. I reached to take his arm as he started forward, but he must have been even more plastered than I'd originally thought. He stumbled, knocking into me with most of his weight. It sent me careening into Edward's side, but thank goodness he managed to steady both of us.

"Sorry, Charlie," I joked, knowing how he hated that saying.

"She boss you around like that, Egbert?"

"All the time. Here, Chief," Edward offered, throwing an arm around his shoulder under the guise of friendliness. "I'm not sure Bella's up to keeping you on your feet," he chuckled.

"Thanks." Charlie grinned drunkenly at him as we started for the parking lot. "So, how did you kids like the show?"

"Oh, my God, it was so great," Alice gushed. "Our mom hates fireworks. She always said I should just roll up my money and set it on fire." Her face compressed into a cute little scowl.

"Glad you enjoyed it," Charlie returned, puffing up like a freaking robin redbreast. "And your mom's never seen one of _my_ shows yet. That ought to change her mind." I rolled my eyes to myself, concentrating on the path and making sure we didn't walk over anything that could possibly trip the drunks. "Maybe next year."

Okay, I'm not going to lie...my heart went a little crazy when I heard that. A goofy grin took up permanent residence on my face, and I probably would have kept mooning for the rest of the way to the car if not for the sexy distraction next to me.

"How sweet," he whispered in my ear. "They're bonding over pyromania." This sent us both into fits of laughter, drawing my father's attention once more.

Charlie leaned around Edward as we walked. "Don't tell Egbert, but I like him," he whispered _sotto voce_. I shot a look up at Edward, who smirked and winked, but didn't burst Charlie's bubble by acknowledging he'd heard. "He treats you real well. Not that anyone's good enough for my baby girl, but I guess you picked a good one."

"Thanks, Dad." My smile was so big I felt it was going to leap right off my face. I just hoped he remembered this tomorrow.

Everyone made it to the car in once piece, though we had a near miss when Charlie and Jasper decided it would be fun to moon the drunks waiting in Coach Clapp's school bus. Once all pants had been straightened and everyone was loaded in the car, I suddenly remembered the coolers and other supplies we'd all carted down to the beach.

"Dad, do we need to get your stuff?"

"What? Oh, you mean the coolers? Nah, Harry and I packed those up before the show. We're good to go until tomorrow."

I sighed in relief, glad Edward and I wouldn't have to spend an hour tracking down all the odds and ends, risking our drunk charges wandering off in the process.

The three in the back seat were snoring within ten minutes of leaving the parking lot, which made for a fairly pleasant drive. Edward had to carry Alice into the cabin, with Jasper stumbling behind them, leaning on me for support. We just dumped them on the bed in their sandy clothes, because getting them ready for bed was definitely not in the defined duties of designated driving. Plus, Edward and I were still quite jealous of their accommodations. Their very isolated, secluded, and _private_ accommodations.

The Chief was still sawing logs when we returned to the car. I fiddled with the audio as Edward pulled out onto the main highway, scrolling through the music in his library and finding Weezer's Blue Album, much to my delight. I hummed along softly to "My Name is Jonas," holding Edward's hand over the console, as usual, simply enjoying the beauty around me. The forest, the occasional glimpse of coastline through the trees...and Edward.

The music flowed smoothly into the next track, and I was surprised to hear Edward singing along under his breath. He usually made fun of me when I did it...smart-ass. "Who sings this?" was one of his favorite tactics. Of course, I'd always fall for it and name the band, and he'd come back with a smug, "So that means you don't have to, right?"

Smug, snarky, sexy motherfucker...

I sang along with him, and he made a point to look at me during the chorus, giving my hand a little squeeze.

_"I want a girl who will laugh for no one else...  
When I'm away she puts here makeup on the shelf.  
When I'm away she never leaves the house.  
I want a girl who laughs for no one else."_

I gave him a questioning look and a tentative smile, but he never did elaborate. I decided I'd save it for later...because there was definitely something there.

~*^*~

A little while later, after we'd reached the house and carted a _very_ out-of-it Charlie to his bed, Edward and I were settling in to watch some late-night television on the couch.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"'No One Else,' huh?" I smirked. "You _do_ know you don't have a problem there, right? I'm pretty sure I heard Rivers Cuomo say somewhere that the song is about him being a jealous prick when it came to his girlfriend."

He sighed, tucking me even further into his side and dropping a kiss on the top of my head.

"I know, Bella." He paused, thinking for a moment. "Did you know that was the first CD I ever owned?"

I squealed out an embarrassing, girly sound, belatedly covering my mouth, as I'd forgotten Charlie was sleeping mere feet above us. Good thing he was passed out drunk.

"Mine too!" I leaned against him, reaching up to pat his cheek with one hand.

"I knew there was some reason I loved you," he teased.

"Hah. Funny."

"Anyway, 'No One Else' was always my favorite song on that album. I'd listen to it, and think, 'that's the kind of girl I want.' You know, someone with eyes only for me...and I never thought I'd get it."

"Edward," I began, my voice cracking with sudden emotion.

"It only took me one night to figure out you were that kind of girl. I love you so much, Bella. It feels like I've been waiting for you my whole life."

Overwhelmed, I hugged him as tightly as I could, pressing a heartfelt kiss to his lips.

"I love you, too." Smiling softly, I leaned in for another kiss, this one lasting much longer, neither one of us pushing for more, content just being together. When we finally broke apart, I snuggled into his side, resting my head on his chest as he slouched further down on the couch. The long day finally hit me in full force, zapping every remaining bit of energy. I melted against him, my eyelids drooping despite my best efforts to focus on the television. Finally, they drifted shut and refused to open again. The last thing I heard was Edward's slow, steady heartbeat against my ear.

* * *

_I'm hoping to update next week, but the chapter's not done yet. It IS started, though._

_I got attacked by the plot bunny recently. EchoesOfTwilight and I have started a collab piece, called _Kill or Cure_, which we'll begin posting this week. _

Summary:_ A pact between civilized vampires to stop drinking from humans. A scientific breakthrough that will eradicate the risk to mortals forever. Betrayal and temptation are dangerous things..._

_We're really excited about this (obviously) and we've been pre-writing like crazy. The first chapter will post this week (as soon as that stupid three day waiting period is up) under our incredibly awesome collab name, PoeticMosquitoes. Don't ask me why it's awesome, because I couldn't tell you. It just makes our eyes __happy. I hope you'll put PoeticMosquitoes on author alert, because I'm sure this won't be the only collab between me and my match made in fic heaven._

_Also, my FML entry is a finalist in the contest! So...this is me begging, because I want to win something. Please? You can find the profile under my favorite authors. Voting ends March 10. _

_Oh, I almost forgot! Edward finally spoke up! Now you all can quit being mad at him... What did you think? _

_And last, but not least, thank you, thank you, _thank you_ for reading and reviewing! _


	29. Chapter 29:Glass Case of Emotion

**I don't own _Twilight _or anything else you recognize - no copyright infringement intended. SM owns all but the girls and Meat Sweats. The LoD owns my black, black heart.**

**Title is (obviously) taken from _Anchorman_.  
****  
****Thank you to my beta-love and wifey, EchoesOfTwilight for prettifying this chapter. ****  
****  
****I know, it's late. But not too late...more at the bottom.****  
**

* * *

**Chapter 29: Glass Case of Emotion**

---

The next thing I knew, light was streaming through the front window. It nearly fried my retinas behind the measly barrier of my eyelids. Rolling over, I reached out, feeling for Edward beside me, but I was alone ― and in my bed. How the hell had I gotten here? The last thing I remembered was watching T.V. in the living room.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I sat up. My neck protested with a loud crack, but at least I could move it now. The tantalizing, smoky scent of salty bacon drifted up from the kitchen, making my mouth water and my stomach rumble in anticipation.

Since when did my dad know how to cook? Bacon might seem deceptively simple, but cooking it was really an art form that took weeks ― even months ― to master, and even then a lot of people fucked it up. Following my nose, I shuffled down the steps and through the archway, my mouth dropping open in surprise as I spotted Edward slaving away over the frying pan, whisking eggs in between flipping the crackling manna.

"Morning, Bella," he greeted, setting a pair of tongs to the side and sweeping me up for a hug, lifting my feet off the ground. "It's about time you woke up."

"Why, what time is it?" I yawned, extending my arms way above my head while still in his arms. He buried his face in my cleavage, his hair tickling my face. When I opened my eyes, lowering my newly stretched limbs, he grinned up at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners in the relaxed expression I loved most. "Are you trying to hitch a ride on the motorboat?"

His eyebrows rose before he ducked back down, blowing a loud, messy raspberry on my chest. "I'll have to remember that you're okay with that expression," he said, setting me down with a final squeeze. His arms remained locked around my back, keeping the distance between us to a minimum.

"I think you know by now I'm perfectly fine with anything that involves your face and my sweater-puffs," I joked.

_**All men ever think about are boobs**_, the girls complained, stomping off to wherever they went during one of their tantrums.

"So am I, Bella. So am I," he said wickedly, his lips curving at one corner. One hand came up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, and I closed my eyes, pressing my cheek into his touch as his fingers lingered on my face. I never felt as wonderful as I did when Edward's hands were on me. After a moment, he sighed and said, "You were sleeping like the dead. Charlie's been gone for a couple hours. Party cleanup, he said. He should be back soon."

My eyes shot open at the mention of my father, and I was terrified of the things he could have possibly done to Edward without me there to protect him. "Oh, God, Edward; I'm sorry I left you alone with him, even for a minute."

"No, Bella, it's fine," he laughed. "We had a really nice..._talk_...this morning." He let me go after placing a gentle kiss on my forehead and turned back to breakfast.

"Oh, yeah? What did you guys talk about?"

"You," he said simply. I waited for more, but apparently _more_ was not forthcoming.

"Go ahead, keep your little man-talk a secret," I grumbled, plopping down at the table with a huff. Edward simply chuckled, taking his time as he finished making breakfast. I was still giving him the stink eye when he set a plate full of steaming eggs and bacon in front of me. He watched me like a hawk until I scooped up a big forkful of scrambled eggs.

"You're forgiven!" I moaned with the first bite. "How come you never made breakfast before?" The bacon was even better. It was heaven ― paradise wrapped up in a salty, artery-clogging package.

"Because you're always waking up and making it before I get the chance. I guess I wore you out yesterday," he said lowly, pinning me with a searing look.

"I know...you definitely did." I gave him a secret smile, one that let him know I was up for another three-fer day anytime...even though I was afraid my well-used lady parts might object. "But I am really tired this morning. I guess it's just the stress of this trip catching up with me."

After filling his own plate full of bacon and eggs, he sat across from me at the kitchen table. It was a bit strange for me, seeing Edward in Charlie's usual seat. He looked at me for a few seconds, assessing me with what I called his "doctor stare."

"You're still tired? Bella, you don't need to push yourself. After you clean your plate―"

"That won't be a problem, believe me," I interrupted, powering through my breakfast of champions. Screw Wheaties. Wheaties weren't made of pig.

"―Good," he chuckled, shaking his head before continuing. "As I was saying, I want you to go lie down after you finish eating. I can handle packing up the car."

"I'm not going to let you do that. Dad will be back soon, and I don't want him to scare you off," I said, trying to hide the fact that I still harbored a tiny bit of fear that Edward wouldn't be willing or able to put up with Charlie's hazing.

He set down his fork, placing his hand over mine, stopping the restless scrape of my utensil over the porcelain plate. "Bella, it's okay. We really did have a nice discussion this morning. He's all bark and no bite."

"Are you _kidding_ me? He made my prom date piss himself!"

"I believe it," he said, reaching for the back of my chair and tugging it closer, the wooden legs scraping loudly over the worn linoleum. "Don't think I can't tell you're trying to change the subject. You're still going to rest."

I felt the urge to stick my tongue out at him, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. "I can sleep in the car, since _someone_ won't let me drive," I muttered, taking my irritation out on an innocent piece of scrambled egg.

"I seem to remember you mentioning something on the way down here..." He pretended to think, scrunching up his face in a way that was so adorable it was nearly sickening. "Oh, yes. I believe it you said it was impossible to fall asleep in the car while I'm driving, considering how I apparently 'make it my goal to beat the bat out of hell.'"

I shot him a dirty look and purposefully scooted my chair back to its original spot, only to have him scowl at me and yank it right back. I barely managed to snag my plate as I was moved around like a doll.

"Don't be grouchy, Bella," he chuckled, stealing my last piece of bacon.

"Don't touch it," I said through clenched teeth, scowling at him and grabbing his wrist with both hands. I realized my mistake as he suddenly grabbed me with his free arm and yanked me into his lap. "Hey! I had a perfectly good seat there."

"I didn't," he said sweetly, nearly incapacitating me with the tractor beam. _Shit. I should be immune to this by now.__  
__  
__**Not as long as we're running the show, you won't. And you don't really **_**want**_** to be immune, do you?**_

They had me there. I really _didn't._

"This is much more comfortable," he sighed, tightening the arm looped around my waist. I ignored him, finally giving up on getting him to relinquish the piece of bacon he still held. What was that saying? Something about mountains and Mohammed? Leaning forward, I ate the bacon from his hand, nipping at his fingers just because he deserved it.

"Ow! Your teeth are sharp!"

"Let that be a lesson to you," I sniffed. "Don't come between Bella and her bacon." Letting go of his wrist, I went back to eating, cleaning my plate. I snagged a piece of his bacon in retaliation, but before I could get it to my mouth, he stopped me with a gentle hand, staring forlornly at the heavenly, salty food of the gods. Then he looked up, giving me a baleful stare, poking out his lower lip.

The girls made plans to have an entire hog slaughtered simply for the bacon. I guess they figured the way to the Precious was through Edward's stomach.

"You'd really steal my bacon, Bella?" he asked, acting like I'd just kicked his sick puppy. His sick puppy with mange and an E-Collar.

"You stole mine," I accused, but I couldn't help the stupid, sappy grin on my face.

He sighed, letting go of my hand. "I guess I'll let you have it. Never say I don't love you. You're the only person I'd let steal my last piece of bacon." He played it out to the hilt and hung his head, averting his eyes.

"Edward," I called softly, enjoying the way his lips twitched at one corner as he tried to fight back a smile. "Ed-waaard..." He still didn't look up. I tapped the corner of his mouth with the bacon, finally eliciting a smile. He took the whole piece in one bite, sweetly kissing my fingertips.

"See, I don't bite like some people," he said when he was finished chewing.

"Admit it, you like it when I bite."

His gaze turned to dark forest, deep and impenetrable. I didn't know how he did it, but he managed to peel back every defense mechanism and insecurity I had, all with one look.

"You might be correct in that assumption..." His voice was rough and dark, and I had the thought that I wouldn't mind lying down ― if he would join me.

_**Yes! Let the Chief load the car. We have something we want to discuss with the Precious.**__  
__  
__Oh, so _that's_ what it's called? _Discussion?

I leaned closer, pressing my forehead to his, closing my eyes and imagining the picture we made sitting at Charlie's scarred kitchen table.

"You smell like bacon...and Edward," I murmured, thinking it was quite possible that his scent could be bottled and used for mind control or some kind of fertility drug. It was nearly incapacitating ― in a really good way, not a "smells like death wrapped in a mothball and dipped in ammonia" sort of way.

He dipped his nose to skim along the curve of my neck. "I don't know what you smell like, but it's fucking delicious."

"I'll file the patent on that name as soon as we get back to Seattle. I can see the ads now: 'Fucking Delicious...available only at Macy's,'" I quipped, laughing softly in his ear. "But I think you're smelling the bacon, too."

"I don't care, as long as it's you."

"What if I smelled like a garbage can?"

"Even then," he said softly, pressing his lips just under my jaw. My skin tingled wherever it met his, tendrils of warmth unfurling down my spine. Naturally, I babbled, too caught up in his voodoo to monitor my filter.

"What if I smelled like Bigfoot's dick?"

He laughed out loud, pulling back to stare at me. "Bella, you really know how to ruin a moment," he said, shaking his head. "And yes, I wouldn't even care if you smelled like Sex Panther."

My grin was huge and preceded an embarrassing, high-pitched giggle. It was so awesome that Edward could quote _Anchorman_.

_**We're in a glass case of emotion! **_

Apparently, so could the girls.

I planted a big, loud kiss on his lips, grabbing and patting his cheeks. "Aww, Edward. I love you, too! But I'm not sure I could handle it if you smelled like the inside of a fake leg."

"Really? That one's my favorite," he said dejectedly, but his smirk gave him away. "I've seen the gag reel too, Bella."

"Sometimes I think it's the best part of the movie. How could they leave out the fake leg?"

"It's a tragedy, I know. Have you ever smelled the inside of a fake leg?" he asked, wrinkling his nose. I shook my head, biting my lip as I involuntarily snorted. "Believe me, you don't ever want to." His voice was grave, but the corner of his mouth twitched with the beginnings of my favorite grin.

I rested my head on his shoulder and relaxed in his arms with a sigh, closing my eyes as the scent of sandalwood and sunshine and Edward surrounded me. His pulse beat steadily where my shoulder pressed into his chest, giving me a sense of contented security.

The next thing I knew, Edward was depositing me in the middle of my old, full-sized bed. I clung to his neck, my arms wrapping around him like vines.

"No," I mumbled, trying to tug him down beside me.

"Bella," he murmured, laughing softly as he took my hands, removing them from his neck before he pressed them against my chest. "I'd really like to keep my balls, which isn't likely if your father comes home to find us up here."

"What makes you think I want sex? And it didn't seem to bother you yesterday," I pouted, rolling away from him and curling myself into the fetal position. "I'm just here for the snuggles."

He sighed, and I smiled when I heard the muted clunk of his shoes as he toed them off. A second later, he was climbing in behind me, curling himself about my back and pressing his nose against the base of my neck.

"Thank you," I whispered, lifting the hand that rested just under my breasts and placing a soft kiss in his palm. "Best snuggles ever."

I felt his lips rub back and forth gently at the base of my neck, followed by a warm gust of breath as he relaxed with a sigh. We fit together perfectly, whether it was in intimacy or innocence, and I knew I'd never be the same without him. While I'd always considered myself a content, well-adjusted person, these past few months had taught me that despite my independent tendencies, my time with Edward was what made me truly happy.

~*~

A little later on, after my post-breakfast nap, I found the Chief out back near the shed, where he was tossing trash into the burn barrel with enthusiasm. His pyromania was still showing; apparently he hadn't quite come down from his Festival of Fire high.

"We're about to head out, Dad," I called, crossing the lawn quickly. Edward was still loading the car, and I hoped to get this conversation over with before he realized I wasn't still taking a nap.

Sam came bounding up to me, tail wagging and slobber flying. "Hey there, buddy!" He turned up his nose at me and galloped back to Charlie's side when he realized I didn't have any food. "I see how it is, Sam." I didn't miss my father's smirk at my dry comment. He always got a kick out of me getting snubbed by the dog.

"I guess it's about that time," he sighed. "You'll want to avoid all the holiday traffic back in the city."

"Yeah...it's a long drive," I said lamely, wringing my hands together in apprehension. I figured our situation wasn't going to get any easier if we both stood there in silence, so I took a deep breath and steeled myself for combat. "Dad?"

He poked at the fire with the metal end of an old rake, staring into the flames. For a split-second, I wondered if I should start looking into unsolved arson cases in Forks and the surrounding area...

"Yeah, Bells? What is it?"

"I wanted to talk to you. About Edward." I said, my voice cracking embarrassingly on his name. Charlie looked at me, his expression closed and completely unreadable.

"Go on," he grunted, stoking the fire with a few more empty beer cases.

I shut my eyes and forced it out. Because no matter how nervous I was about my father's reaction to my romantic life, it was my business, and Edward deserved respect from my father.

"You need to stop butchering Edward's name," I said firmly, my nails digging into my palms as I stood before him rigidly. "It's really disrespectful."

_**Yeah! He's not Egbert. He's the Precious!**_

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Of course, he'd only be a sperm donor to the girls...but he was so much _more _than that to me.

He was my life. No matter how smug he got, or how much he managed to aggravate me with his teasing tactics, Edward would always be my home. I knew it was hard for Charlie to accept that I wasn't his little girl any more, but I also knew that deep down, all he wanted was for me to be happy.

"Edward," he said slowly, repeating it in an exaggerated voice as he arched a brow at me. His mustache even twitched.

"That's right, Dad. E-d-w-a-r-d."

Charlie snorted at my slow, loud spelling. "I know, Bella."

"Then why do you keep calling him Egbert?" I asked, my voice rising an octave. Sometimes he was so damn frustrating.

Edward would probably say the apple didn't fall very far from the tree.

_**We don't like apples. They keep the doctor away. **_

_Why is my life filled with clichéd references?_

"It might be easier for you to understand when you have an adult daughter of your own," he hedged, averting his eyes and fidgeting with a loose button on his shirt.

_Shit, Dad...don't start talking about kids! _I couldn't even think about having an adult child...I'd be Charlie's age!

_**What about a baby-child? We can get you one of those in about nine months...**_

I pretended they had a mute button. I hit it, then imagined breaking the remote, or taking out the batteries at the very least.

"No, Dad, I don't think it will. I just don't understand..." I paused, searching for the words. "He makes me _happy_. I love him," I finished in a whisper. I had no idea why it was so hard for me to have this discussion with him ― why did I feel like I was somehow betraying my father? _Freud would have a field day with this. _

Faced with Charlie's silence, I knew I'd have to be the one to keep the conversation going. God, I really _was_ just like him. The silent treatment was my preferred method of avoidance as well.

"Do you not...do you not want me to be happy?" I asked in a small voice, knowing that wasn't the case, but I honestly couldn't think of a reason why he was being so standoffish with Edward. And in light of Charlie's drunken confession the night before, I just couldn't comprehend his continued behavior.  
_  
Wait ― could this have something to do with this morning's "chat" with Edward?_

"No, Bells! That's not it at all..." He sighed and let out a frustrated grunt as he started pacing in front of me.

"Then what _is_ it?" I threw my hands out to my sides in exasperation, making Charlie jump. "Dad, I love you, but you can't try to walk all over Edward like that. He takes it just fine, and he doesn't complain, but don't you realize that you're hurting _me_ by disrespecting him?"

"Bella, come here," he interrupted, pulling me into an awkward hug that I wanted nothing to do with. I stood stiffly in his arms, but he refused to let me go. The only thing that kept me from thrashing around was the fact that he was probably just as uncomfortable with this display of affection as I was.

His voice was gruff when he spoke again. "Bells, you're my little girl."

"But, Dad, I'm not―" I interrupted.

"Let me talk," he barked, and I immediately shut up. I knew that tone. It was the tone that reminded me of being told to go out and pick a switch for my own punishment as a kid. The very same tone he'd used to ground me in high school. It was the "Oh shit, Charlie means business" voice.

He let me go, hooking one arm around my shoulders as he led me to the little stone bench at the end of the yard. We sat, both of us staring at everything but each other.

"I know you're an adult," he began, pausing to clear his throat. "And maybe you never really _needed_ me like some other kids need their parents. You always were pretty independent. But now that Edward's in your life, I sort of feel like...I don't know, like you don't need me at all anymore." Then he was silent, staring at the ground as if the dirt was the Oracle at Delphi.

Wow. Who knew Charlie had it in him to lay it out like that? He was always so stoic, my sweet, curmudgeonly father. And then it hit me ― he was afraid I'd disappear, just like Renee. I was the only family he had left.

"Dad...you know that's not true. No one could replace you. You're the Chief," I joked.

He looked at me balefully. "Thanks, Bella."

Crap. Bad Joke Bella strikes again.

"I really do mean it, Dad. I'll always want you in my life. Edward knows that...he just wants to share in it, too," I whispered, bumping him with my shoulder and giving him a soft smile. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I know that, Bells. It's just hard for me to adjust. You should know that," he added with a small twitch of the Tom Selleck-stache. "You're a lot like your old man."

"Don't I know it," I snorted. The moment of levity evaporated quickly, the silence hanging between us like a heavy, opaque curtain. "You know I love you, right, Dad?"

"I do, Bella. And I love you. All I want is for you to be happy, and as much as I tried to deny it, your Edward wants the same thing. If he's what makes you happy, then that's all I need to know."

The girls sighed in happiness, dabbing their little eyes with an embroidered handkerchief.

_**We **_**knew**_** he wanted grandbabies!**_

_He was talking about what makes_ me _happy, girls. Not you!_

I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. He hugged me tightly, awkwardly patting me on the back as I clung to him for longer than he was comfortable with.

"Thanks, Dad," I whispered, trying not to be a stupid, crying girl. After a few minutes, I let him go with a tremulous smile, noting the way he seemed more relaxed. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What did you and Edward talk about this morning?"

Charlie stiffened, his brows angling down in a slight frown. "What did Edward tell you?"

"He wouldn't. That's why I'm asking you." I batted my eyelashes at him and tried to look as innocent as possible.

"I'm not buying the innocent daughter act, Bells," he chuckled, standing and holding out a hand to help me to my feet. "That's for Edward to tell. He will when he's ready." He walked back to the fire barrel and began poking at the flames again.

"What is it with you men?" I muttered. "Usually you can't wait to run your mouths."

Charlie either ignored me or didn't hear my disparaging remark. "Looks like someone's waiting for you," he said gruffly, gesturing toward the back door of the house with his rake.

I looked up to find Edward standing in the doorway, his shoulder resting on the door frame as he stood with his arms crossed over his chest. He smiled when I made eye contact, and of course I couldn't resist returning it. I'd taken a step toward him before I realized I was moving, but I made myself stay where I was for just one more moment. Holding my finger up to indicate I'd be a second, I turned back to Charlie to give him another short hug.

"Thanks for inviting us, Dad. We both had a lot of fun."

"'S no problem," he grunted, a smile trying desperately to make it through the 'stache. "You go finish getting ready, and I'll meet you guys out front in a few minutes."

I didn't need to say anything further. We'd set things straight and come out of it with a better understanding of one another. With a little wave, I pivoted and started off toward the house.

Edward straightened as I came near, raising a hand in Charlie's direction as he put an arm around my shoulders. I looked back to find my father watching us with an almost pleased expression on his face. My smile was instant and huge as Charlie raised the rake in his own version of a wave. Only the Chief could make a friendly gesture look somewhat threatening.

"Come on, I need you to load all the heavy stuff," Edward teased, pressing a soft kiss to my temple.

"You always make me do the heavy lifting," I sighed, playing along. He had everything packed already; that's just the way he was. Always early and prepared for anything...the complete opposite of me. And that's just the way I liked it.

"Just remember to lift with your legs." I rolled my eyes and headed through the entryway, giving him a mock salute.

As Edward and I went into the house, it didn't feel like I was leaving one phase of my life behind while moving to another.

I was simply bringing two very important pieces of my life together.

* * *

**Yeah, it was a little short, but it just...fit. Hope you liked it. It's a bit serious, but Charlie and Bella needed this little talk. Feel free to leave me a comment (hint hint). I fail at replies, but you know this. ****  
****  
****In other news - that is, if you're actually reading this note - my first chapter of the collab with Echoes, **_**Kill or Cure**_**, will be going up on Tuesday. Put PoeticMosquitoes on alert if you'd like to read - and I hope you'll give it a shot and leave us some comments. ****  
****  
****Lastly, I wrote a little something for the AwkWard Contest. You can find the link in my profile. It involves an anonymous judging component, so I'll leave out the title, but it's labeled as an AwkWard Contest entry in the summary. And I still want to win something - JS.****  
****  
****Anyway, that's it for this week. I hope to have an update for you next week as well. Thank you for your reviews and comments, and most of all, for reading.****  
**


	30. 30: In Which Charlie Redeems Himself

_SM owns - no copyright infringement intended. I own the girls. Believe me, you really don't want them._

_Thanks and kisses to my wifey/beta EchoesOfTwilight for translating the wifey-speak.__  
__  
__So, you all think you know what I have planned, hmm? We'll see..._

_  
__  
__

* * *

  
_**Chapter 30: In Which Charlie Redeems Himself**

As I'd predicted, there was nothing else left to pack when Charlie met Edward and me in the front yard. I rolled my eyes when I saw he was still holding the rake from the burn barrel. I supposed there would always be some element of contention between my father and Edward ― on the Chief's part, anyway, but at least he was being civil. At least he was being civil. I was nervous, just waiting for Charlie to fall back into the Egbert game. Childishly, I crossed my fingers, using my eyes to plead with him to behave.

Edward met him halfway, confidently extending his hand as he neared. "Thanks for inviting me, Chief Swan." When Charlie shook his hand with no hesitation, I thought I might die from happiness. Only one thing would be even better. _For God's sake...use his real name, Charlie!_

"Anytime, Edward," he replied, sending my spirits soaring as they finished their male ritual. The girls gave a fist pump, and I was tempted to change their names to Snookie and The Situation.

As I came closer, I noted how Charlie's eyes seemed friendlier, more open, as he regarded Edward. Something seemed to pass between them ― some sort of male understanding that I wasn't privy to ― which once again sparked my curiosity about their little chat. Now wasn't the time, however, since neither of them had been inclined to let me in on their little man-secret.

_**Maybe they discussed your dowry?**__  
__  
__What the hell? _Did they think I was living in a historical romance novel? That Charlie would bestow upon me, and therefore Edward, all his worldly goods at the time of his death?Edward would be ecstatic to find he was in possession of an old, rickety house in Forks and about three million fishing poles._ Dowry? Right. _Although Charlie probably _should_ be paying Edward to put up with me...

"You've been a good sport about all of my shit," Charlie was saying, his voice low, but not so low I couldn't hear him. I got the impression he was trying to make Edward think he didn't want me to hear but, as he met my eyes over Edward's shoulder, I could tell he wanted me to know what was said.

"It's fine, Chief. I get it," Edward answered graciously, his voice warm and genuine.

"I know you do, but that doesn't mean I don't owe you an apology, which my daughter needs to hear," Charlie said, raising his voice as he smirked at me. "I apologize for calling you Egbert...on purpose," he added grudgingly. "The first couple times it was an accident." He shrugged, and I couldn't keep from giggling.

"Your old age is showing, Dad," I teased as I looped an arm through Edward's.

"Then I accept, Chief Swan." Edward had a smirk to match Charlie's, and it was at that point I was convinced the damn thing was contagious.

"Call me Charlie, Edward."

"Thanks...Charlie," he returned, and I'd be damned if my eyes didn't sting with embarrassing tears.

"Well," Charlie began, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he scratched the back of his head. He gestured toward the car with his rake. "You guys better get going if you want to get back to the city before dark." Shooting a pointed look at Edward, he said, "Drive safely. Those shitheads on the highway patrol stalk the freeways around the holidays."

"I'll keep an eye out. Thanks again, Charlie." To me, he whispered, "I'll let you say goodbye to your dad. Meet you in the car, okay?" I nodded, watching him walk the few yards to the car. Straight out of some stupid movie, the sun chose that moment to burn through some of the cloudcover, illuminating the dandelions that always dotted the yard, no matter how many times Charlie tried to poison the suckers.

"He's a good one, Bells. Though, I don't suppose you need me to tell you," he muttered, a contrite smile curving his 'stache.

"No, you don't, Dad...but it feels good to hear it, just the same."

He pulled me into a hug and whispered, "Love you, Bella."

"Love you too, Dad. Thanks." As we separated and he started to turn away, I put my hand on his forearm to still him. "This means a lot to me."

His only answer was a somewhat sad smile, but it was the good kind of sad. It was the smile of a father who realized he was no longer the number one man in his daughter's life, but he was okay with that.

As I returned to the car, catching sight of Edward's bright smile through the glass, the girls sighed, waxing poetic about their newfound love for Charlie and his pragmatic genes.

~*~

The trip back to Seattle was a lot of fun for Edward and me. Not true for Alice and Jasper, who were both nursing the mother of all weed headaches. We had a great time playing loud music and occasionally honking, which scared the shit out of them. For such an expensive car, the Volvo had a really annoying horn. You'd think they would take some of the profits and try to develop something that sounded a little more pleasant. Maybe a spoken warning? Something like, _Excuse me, would you mind getting the fuck out of my way, please?_

In a snooty British accent, preferably.

Eventually they fell asleep, curled together in the back seat and looking too freaking adorable. Edward and I spent the rest of the drive talking quietly, and we were back at my place before dark. Jasper and Alice had been pretty damn eager to get away from us, for which I was extremely grateful. But although Edward and I escaped unscathed this time, I doubted either one of them would forget how we'd tortured them ― and how much we'd enjoyed it.

We'd have to be very vigilant in the coming weeks. According to Edward, Alice could be pretty vindictive when she chose to, and her thirst for vengeance was second only to Emmett's.

Rennie met us at the door, twining her half-grown body around my ankles. Edward took the bags into the bedroom while I stopped to greet my sweet little nudger. She grazed my shin in an adorable little kitty head-butt and meowed her hello.

"Hi there, Rennie," I said happily, bending down to scratch behind her ears. A loud purr, the kind only kittens had, rumbled from her throat and she arched into my fingers. "You missed me, didn't you?" I'd missed her, too.

But as I straightened, she swiped at me in a lightning fast whip of her paw, leaving four stinging furrows across the back of my hand.

"Ouch! Rennie! Bad kitty!" I cried, shaking my hand. "I guess you're pissed at me, huh?" She jumped up on the arm of the couch, curling her puffy little tail around her feet as she looked at me impassively. Her very being seemed to radiate feline indignation and pique as she blinked slowly, then began cleaning her face, effectively shutting me out.

I stalked to the sink to clean my hand, which was itchy as hell and bleeding more than I expected.

"I knew I shouldn't have listened to that bleeding heart veterinarian." Hissing as cold water poured over the scratches, I sent a death glare in Rennie's direction. "It's not too late to have you de-clawed, you know," I threatened.

"Who are you talking to?" Edward asked as he strolled into the kitchen.

"Your cat-daughter," I replied as I roughly turned off the faucet, shook the extra water off my hands, and grabbed a clean towel.

"_My_ cat-daughter? I believe she's yours. Or Tanya's, if we want to be _sane_."

_**She is**_** not **_**our daughter! Why won't you listen to us? We can give you a**_** real **_**daughter...**_

_Here they go again...like a fricking broken record. _

I glared at him, fuming as I saw his smirk. Sort of. I wasn't really angry, but he expected a reaction, and I didn't want to disappoint him.

"Oh, so _I'm_ the crazy one? I ask you, who's crazier? The woman who thinks a cat is her daughter, or the man who willingly chases after her despite the insanity?"

He laughed, causing me to smile unwillingly as he made his way over to me.

Rennie swatted at his ass as he passed the couch.

It was the best part of my day so far, hands down.

"Oh, you think that's funny, do you?" he asked darkly, a disgustingly attractive mock scowl gracing his features.

"What are you going to do about it?" I asked flippantly, carefully drying the scratches, which now had thick welts surrounding them. Why the hell did it itch so badly? I couldn't remember if that had happened the last time I'd been scratched by the Medusa Whore-Cat, a.k.a. Rennie's mother. Wasn't it just supposed to sting? But no, I get stinging _and _itching!

Edward wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back against him, lifting me off my feet. I screeched in surprise, laughing as he flipped me around to sit on the counter while he stood between my legs.

"What's this?" He pulled the towel from my fingers, exposing my screwed-up hand.

"This is what your daughter did to me," I said with a smirk. "I think she's pissed that we left her."

"I think you're right." One hand went to rub his behind in memory.

"You want me to check your hiney for boo-boos, Doctor?" I let my uninjured hand trail down the center of his chest, my fingers tingling from more than just the soft heat imparted by his t-shirt. I wanted to feel his skin against mine.

"As good as that sounds, I think we should check yours first," he said, taking my hand and turning it so he could examine the scratches.

Deja-vu swept over me in a wave, and I wondered how many times this would happen to me in my lifetime. Probably more than I could count. And if Edward was there to patch me up...well, let's just say I wouldn't be disappointed.

His knowing smile sent a thrill flying over my skin, the current originating where his hands held mine.

"I think I'd rather look at your ass," I whispered, shutting my eyes in embarrassment as I felt my cheeks overheat.

_**Way to go, Bella! You're finally getting it.**_

He looked up at me through his lashes as he probed at the back of my hand with gentle fingers. "I never said we wouldn't get to that," he said softly, rubbing his thumb back and forth across my palm as he spoke. My spine seemed to dissolve faster than cotton candy did on my tongue, and I couldn't help the little whimper that jumped out of my chest.

"Oh...good," I managed hoarsely, trying not to just rip his clothes off on that very spot.

There was no way his thumb ― one insignificant, opposable thumb ― should be able to wreak such havoc on my body. Then again, this was Edward's thumb I was thinking about...and I could provide a pretty thorough testimonial regarding his _digital_ talents.

He frowned, tracing a finger over the welts. I hissed, but not because it hurt. The itching was driving me insane.

"Why does it itch so badly?" I asked, and I hoped he couldn't hear the petulant tone I worked so hard to hide. I didn't want to whine like a little baby, especially over something as insignificant as a cat scratch.

"I think you may be allergic to cats. It would explain the welts and itching. I'll be right back." He hurried off to the bathroom, where he'd stashed one of his Bella Bags, otherwise known as a heavy-duty first-aid kit. Seconds later, he was back with antibiotic ointment, sterile gauze, and the biggest band-aid I'd ever seen ― which was saying a lot, considering my medical history.

"Where's the peroxide?" The question was out of my mouth before my brain could tell my lips to shut the fuck up.

"Oh, thanks for reminding me. Don't want any of those kitty litter germs causing an abscess. Then your hand would swell up to the size of a baseball and―" I clapped my free hand over his mouth, because I wasn't sure my stomach could take much more.

"Okay, I get it," I said, slowly returning my hand to rest in my lap. "Kitty litter germs bad, peroxide good. Too bad that shit feels like you're pouring hydrochloric acid all over me."

He leaned forward, that thumb beginning its sensual stroke along my palm once more.

"You know I'll kiss it better, love." I shut my eyes, savoring the breath that washed over my lips like a physical touch.

"Okay," I sighed, as the girls discussed the benefits of hypochondria amongst themselves.

He kissed me softly and chuckled as he went back to retrieve the devil juice. My eyes were still closed in Edward-induced haze as I heard him return.

"You all right, there?" he asked, most likely thoroughly relishing his effect on me.

"Yeah..." I opened my eyes to find him soaking a gauze pad with peroxide as he watched me, those green eyes enjoying my change in demeanor as I scowled at the instrument of my torture. He came at me with the gauze and I yanked my hand behind my back with a little smirk.

"Bella," he chided, his grin a mile wide. He held his hand out, waiting for me to relent and place my palm in his. Never one to give up, he stepped closer to the counter, moving so my legs were on either side of his hips. He sighed as I tried to watch him with a stoic, disinterested expression, but I knew I wasn't fooling him. "It seems we have a little problem, then. What will it take for you to give me your hand?"

I blinked in surprise, because my first thought regarding his comment had nothing to do with him cleaning my cuts.

"Um...? I don't know?" I stammered, trying to backpedal so he didn't notice my strange reaction. Sucking in a deep breath ― which was a mistake, since he always smelled so good ― I said the first thing that popped into my head. _Surprising, right?_ "You'll just have to bargain with me."

_**Nice one, Bella! Make him barter sexual favors!**__  
__  
__I know I'm in trouble when the girls approve of something I've done...shit.__  
_  
"Everything I have is yours," he murmured, his eyes going dark as his lashes lowered and he leaned even closer. I searched his face for any trace of the smirk, and I was shocked to find none.

Then his lips were on mine, soft and warm. He sighed at the contact, his breath coming out in a little hum that I could feel throughout my body as it settled and intensified, finally sitting heavily in my chest. I brought my hands up to his face, needing to feel the lovely contrast of hard angles, soft skin, and sandpapery stubble. He grasped my elbow gently, his fingertips trailing up and down the sensitive inside of my forearm as his mouth opened, the tip of his tongue tracing barely tracing my lips.

Some kind of noise worked its way out of my chest, somewhere between a whimper and a moan, as he grasped my wrist and curled his fingers around in a gentle yet firm grip. When he pulled away, we were both breathing hard, and he watched me for a moment as he lowered our hands. His eyes glinted, intensely green and dark, and I was disappointed when he looked down to fiddle with my hand.

I don't know how long I sat there, taking in the minor shifts in his expression as he worked.

"See, it's never so bad as you think," he said, his voice making me jump, though he wasn't speaking loudly. The corner of his mouth pulled into a small smile, and I couldn't even bring myself to care that it was certainly sort of smug.

"Must be your bedside manner."

"Only with you." His smirk turned into a full-blown grin as he held my cleaned and bandaged hand for me to see. "Now," he said, suddenly turning all doctor-y again, "it's time to get you some Benadryl ― so if you have anything thought-provoking to discuss, let's get it out of the way before you pass out."

I rolled my eyes and laughed as he lifted me off the counter, setting me down gently. "I'm not sure I need the Benadryl. I can barely feel anything now. Plus, I don't want the hangover." I was convinced that the secret ingredient in Benadryl was some kind of schedule I narcotic.

He raised an eyebrow in my direction. "You're sure? It'll stop the itching and make the welts go down."

"I'm fine. I just wondered why it's never happened before."

"It's not impossible to develop sudden allergies. Have you noticed any other symptoms? Itchy eyes, runny nose, sneezing?"

"Take it easy there, Dr. Cullen. While it's very...attractive when you fawn all over me, I draw the line when you start giving me that _clinical_ look."

He smirked, holding his hands up in an unassuming gesture. "Okay, no 'clinical' looks. But you didn't answer my question."

I thought for a moment, heading to the bedroom in search of some clean, comfortable pajamas. He followed close behind, obviously not willing to give up.

"No, I haven't really noticed anything until tonight, although I did get some cat hair in my eye last week...that wasn't pleasant," I added, fighting the urge to rub my eyes. Just remembering it had me itching.

"If it happens again, just take something. Any kind of antihistamine should help."

"Yes, Doctor," I agreed, grinning at him as I went to dig through my closet.

"I'm just trying to help." I jumped at the sound of his voice; he was closer than I'd realized. An arm came around my waist and pulled me back against him as he swept my hair away from the nape of my neck, his fingers lingering on the bare skin above my shirt.

"I know," I said, leaning back against him. He bent his head to place a soft kiss where my neck and shoulder met, and I tilted my head to the side to allow him more room. "And you're definitely kissing it better." His only response was a soft laugh against my neck. We stood there for a while, like the two lovesick idiots we were, before I turned in his arms and linked my hands around his waist.

"I don't want to go back to the hospital tomorrow," he said, his tone becoming weary. "I don't mean that..." Heaving a sigh, he rested our foreheads together before starting again. "I just don't want this long weekend to end."

"Me neither, Edward, but we can't do anything about it. I'm not going anywhere, you know." I kissed his chin and then moved up to his lips. "Do you want to stay at your place tonight? It might be easier...your loft is closer to the hospital. It's okay if you need some time alone," I babbled. I didn't want to spend the night away from him, but if that was what he needed, there was no question that I'd give it to him.

"No!" He looked baffled, his eyes widening as he stared down at me. "I can't sleep for shit without you. After last night on Charlie's couch, I need a good night's sleep."

I took the time to really study his face, noticing the faint circles beneath his eyes. "Edward, please don't tell me you drove all the way back from Forks on no sleep," I pleaded, wondering how I'd missed the signs.

"I got a few hours," he answered, averting his eyes.

Big. Fat. Liar.

"Edward!" I started pushing him back toward the bed, not giving a shit whether he was dressed or not. "Get in bed!"

"If you wanted sex, Bella, all you had to do was ask," he laughed smugly as I ushered him to the other side of the room. I pushed him onto the bed, but he ended up taking me with him.

"I'm talking about _sleeping_," I said with a frustrated sigh.

"Sex helps me sleep. Haven't you noticed how I pass out right after?"

_**We're always happy to take the place of your sleeping pill, Dr. Precious!**_

I lightly smacked his shoulder and dropped my forehead to his chest in exasperation, secretly enjoying the rumble of his laughter. He rolled us over, bracing his weight on his elbows. I could feel his forearms flexing beneath my shoulders as he ran his fingers over my scalp, slowly sifting through my tangled hair.

"Will you tell me what you talked about with Charlie?" I hated the timid tone to my voice, and I grew even more apprehensive when he didn't answer immediately. "Was he at least _nice_ to you?"

"Yes, he was _fine_. Bella, you don't have to worry about me. I can handle your father. Remember what you said earlier? I'm not going anywhere either," he murmured, framing my face as he pressed his mouth to mine in a soft, chaste kiss.

"I just don't understand why you won't _tell_ me if it isn't bad. It seemed like things were good between you and Charlie right before we left..." I sighed and clamped my eyes shut, trying to dispel some of the tension that held me rigid. "I know he's been tough on you, but I _love _you. I told him he couldn't act that way anymore. Because it hurts me," I added in a whisper, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

He didn't answer. I lay there, fixed under his intense gaze, trying to follow all the expressions that flitted across his face. I had no idea what was going on under that mop of sex hair, and all my guesses were negative ― as usual.

"If you didn't want me to talk to him about it, I'm sorry...If you think I've taken it too seriously... Oh, God, I'm so stupid," I choked out, my heart freezing with fear, turning into a cold, stone lump in my chest. I started to look away, but he held me fast, cradling my head in his hands.

"Bella, do you not understand my feelings for you?" His voice was soft and warm, and held just a trace of amusement that matched the tiny curve to his lips.

"I think I do...it's just...I sometimes wonder if I've dreamed all of this. You and me...everything," I whispered, my breath coming out in a huff. "I _love_ you, Edward. I don't know what I'd do if this...thing between us ever changed."

"You think I don't feel just as you do?" he asked, genuinely puzzled.

"I can't help it. It's like I've been handed this perfect life, and it could be gone at any time." I shut my eyes tightly, hoping that my mouth would follow.

"Bella," he murmured, kissing both my eyelids and the tip of my nose. "I love you. It's not going to change. Ever."

Finally, he lowered his mouth to mine in a kiss borne of comfort, but one that quickly changed to something more. His breath scorched my cheek as he angled his head to deepen the kiss, his tongue finding mine as he urged me to open wider. By the time he pulled away, I was wrapped around him like a vine, my fingers tangled in his hair and our legs threaded together amongst the mussed sheets.

I opened my eyes to find his stare no less intense, but it was still gentle. No one had ever made me feel this way, and I wasn't sure anyone else could. All I knew was that I didn't care to find out.

"I told him about the alcoholism, Bella," he whispered softly, his words making my chest ache.

I had nothing to say.

Nothing could even begin to cover how that made me feel. To my utter mortification, tears began to pool in my eyes, so I turned my head to the side, hating it when I felt them drip onto the pillow.

"Please don't cry," he whispered, smoothing a few errant strands of hair away from my heated cheeks.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be." He kissed my cheek, then rested his face against mine, as I still wouldn't look at him.

"I shouldn't have pried," I said through the knot in my throat.

"Bella... Listen to me. He was very understanding. I couldn't be happier with his reaction, truthfully. But the most important thing is that he knows I love you, and I'd never do anything to risk you or your feelings for me." He rolled to the side, pulling me up against his chest. Arms wound tightly around each other, we lay there in silence for a few minutes.

"Look at me, Bella." I was finally able to gather the strength to raise my eyes to his, and the answering smile that curved his lips inspired one of my own. "We make each other happy, right?"

I nodded, still unable to trust my voice.

"That's all your dad wants. It's all I'd want for my daughter...it's all _we'll _want for our children."

I attacked him, landing kisses wherever I could reach. Before long, we were pulling at our clothes in a desperate rush to feel skin on skin. But once we were both naked and entwined under the blankets, mere contact wasn't enough. I couldn't hold him tightly enough as my hands roamed over his back, pulling him closer and closer. It was only when he pushed inside me, his mouth sealed over mine as we moved together, that I finally began to realize that in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.

It was just as Edward had said...we were happy together. What else was there?

* * *

_"Do you not understand my feelings for you?" - belongs to SM. I can't resist twisting those little book/movie scenes to fit my own nefarious purposes, as I'm sure you already know._

_I have a rec for you (actually two!): __**  
**__**  
**__**That's What We Said**__ by AwkwardYoga. Don't read while drinking anything - alcoholic or otherwise - if you value your keyboard._

http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5747299/1/Thats_What_We_Said  
_Two authors, one post-it note, no plans... Your guess is as good as ours. Rated M for language and...lemons? again, we have no clue where this is going, so...maybe?_

Trust me. You'll laugh.

_**Adult Video of 167 Street **__by eye_ree - screenspray warning still stands.__  
_  
.net/s/5836833/1/Adult_Video_of_167th_St

_Bella is desperate to release some tension and goes on a quest for a little battery operated help. Of course, she winds up with more than she bargained for and lube in all the wrong places. AUH. Canon Pairings. Mature content and language._

_  
__If you're still reading this - chapter 4 of the collab with Echoes, Kill or Cure, will be going up on Monday or Tuesday. Put PoeticMosquitoes on alert if you'd like to read - and I hope you'll give __it a shot and leave us some comments. __  
__  
__We've reached the point where I beg you to read my AwkWard Contest Entry. I know, I'm like a dog with a bone regarding that shit. Go and vote just to shut me up, okay?__  
__  
__Finally (thank God, right?!) I'm a judge for the Fun With Your Clothes On Contest, hosted by nerac/carenl and Kassiah. Give us your leg hitches! You can find the contest link on my profile.__  
__  
__That's it. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Until next time, my loves!_


	31. 31: Tapioca is a Deal Breaker

_I don't own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended. __I also don't own thinkgeek dot com– I just think they have some really cool shit._

_Yeah, I missed this week's update by...well, I missed it._

_Thanks to the best beta ever, EchoesOfTwilight, for fixing my silly mistakes, as usual, and for serenading me with 90s grunge this week._

_I know I'm probably forgetting tons of shit, but I'm feeling spacey...so here's the chapter._

* * *

_**CHAPTER 31: Tapioca is a Deal Breaker**_

Something was tickling my back. I pushed my face deeper into the pillow, assuming it was Rennie and hoping she wouldn't decide to use my exposed skin as a scratching post. After a few seconds, the sensation stopped, and I let myself start to drift back to sleep. Just as I was about to slip under, it was back; this time, it came with the soft brush of warm lips at the top of my spine.

A smile formed unbidden on my lips as I sighed in sleepy pleasure and arched my back in a stretch. _Yes, Edward...look and be tempted. _Jesus. That sounded like the girls. Had they traveled to my brain? Were they navigating my body in a tiny spaceship, just like Dennis Quaid in _Innerspace_?

"Wake up, Bella," he whispered, keeping his mouth on my skin, punctuating the words with an open mouthed kiss. His fingers resumed their strange paths on my back, raising goose bumps of awareness in the wake of his touch.

"What are you doing?" I managed, my voice husky from sleep.

_**Who cares? We like it. Tell him to go a little lower.**_

Once again, I had to agree with them. I wondered if I should be worried about our increasingly copacetic opinions.

"Tracing your beauty marks," he whispered, leaving a trail of kisses as he worked his way over to my shoulder.

I couldn't help but giggle. "Beauty marks? Who do you think I am, Marilyn Monroe? They're just moles."

"These are _not_ moles. Moles are hairy and raised and ugly. These are sexy."

"They're also double agents. Secret spies. Traitors."

"Your brain never turns off, does it?" he asked with a weary little laugh.

"Nope. Now say 'beauty marks' again," I teased, giggling into the pillow as he traced over a particularly sensitive spot.

"Not if you're going to keep making fun of me."

"Edward, you should know by now ― I'll never stop making fun of you."

"Don't I know it," he snorted.

"Did you just snort?"

"Bella..." he said, his voice deep and gravelly with warning.

"Okay, okay, carry on," I sighed. I enjoyed his attention no matter what he was doing, and he knew it, too.

"Thanks for your permission," he said wryly, resuming his patterns.

After a few minutes, I got curious. "What do you see?"

"Right here, on your lower back, I can see the Big Dipper."

"Wait ― are you saying I have a back full of moles?" I bristled, suddenly thinking his antics weren't that cute.

"Bella, shut up," he laughed, pressing his lips to the small of my back. "Right here, we've got the Big Dipper," he continued, tracing the recognizable shape with a fingertip. I still wasn't sure I was pleased about him pointing out all the moles on my back ― that is, until he traced the shape with the tip of his tongue.

"Edward? What are you doing?" My voice was embarrassingly squeaky, like fucking Minnie Mouse. Then again, maybe the girls had figured out how to hijack my voicebox. I'd always imagined their voice as this tinny, annoyingly high-pitched squeak.

_**No way, Bella. Only you're dumb enough to question the Precious.**_

"I'm showing you the Big Dipper." He did it again, ending the pattern with a sharp little bite just above my hip. "Also known as _Ursa Major._"

"I knew that," I breathed, squirming in arousal like some kind of flighty romance heroine ― not that I'd ever admit to reading those things, though I had a closet full of regency romances back at Renee's. "What else?"

He placed a line of kisses up my spine and over to my left shoulder. Smoothing my hair away with one slow stroke, he began to trace yet another indecipherable design.

"What do we have here?" he murmured, so softly that I wasn't sure he was speaking to me. "This is _Gemini_, the Twins." His fingers traced another slow, deliberate path. I waited, holding my breath, hoping he'd do the tongue thing again.

Edward never disappointed me.

I _might_ have moaned when he mapped it out with his tongue. Okay, I totally moaned. It was unavoidable.

"Do you know the story of the Twins?" he questioned, moving to press his lips at the base of my neck. I could feel the length of his body stretched out alongside mine, feel every inch of warm, naked skin.

"No," I whispered, arching against him as his hand curved around my hip before traveling slowly up my side. His palm skimmed over my waist and up my ribs, pausing to trace every indentation on its journey. Finally, he reached my breast, gently pinching and twisting my nipple before cupping me in his hand.

"The Twins are Castor and Pollux, who are also known as the _Dioskuroi _in Greek mythology_. _They were half-brothers; Castor was the son of Tyndareus, while Pollux was the son of Zeus," he whispered, rubbing his lips lightly on the shell of my ear. I whimpered when he let go of my breast, dragging his hand down the midline of my abdomen and wrapping his arm low around my waist. He pulled me to my side, my back against his chest, his hips pressed up against my ass, making me shiver at the feel of him, hot and hard against my bare skin.

My mind ran wild as he fell silent. "Castor and Pollux? Weren't they the bad guys in _Face/Off?_

_That's_ all I could come up with? Fuck. I really needed a muzzle.

He chuckled against my neck, opening his mouth over the tender skin below my ear. "This has nothing to do with a horrible John Travolta movie."

"It was a Nicholas Cage movie, thank you," I retorted in a tiny voice, wondering why I was running my mouth while Edward's hands were on me.

"As I was saying," he began pointedly, closing his teeth on my earlobe. His right hand snaked underneath me, wandering over my chest in delicious strokes before settling over my breast. "Castor was mortal, while Pollux, as the son of Zeus, was immortal. When Castor died, Pollux was devastated. He begged his father, Zeus, to let him share his immortality with his twin. Zeus granted his wish, uniting them in the afterlife, where they split their time between Mount Olympus and Hades. When they're at Mount Olympus, we can see them in the heavens, in the form of the _Gemini_ constellation," he finished, one hand dipping lower and lower until he was able to run a finger lightly between my legs.

"Should I be worried that you're sexing me up by talking about twin brothers?" _Oh, my fuck._ Did they have some sort of silencing surgery for people? Something like de-barking for those annoying yappy dogs?

"Is it working?"

"Maybe..." I trailed off, shrugging in feigned nonchalance. The whole act was pretty much ruined by the tremor in my voice.

Edward laughed ruefully, placing a sweet kiss at the base of my neck. "You're supposed to be impressed with my knowledge of mythology," he said, hitching me up higher. His erection fell into place between my legs, but he made no move to push things any farther.

"I'm definitely impressed."

"Is that so?"

I wiggled back against him, grinning when he moaned softly and dug his fingertips into my skin, squeezing my breast as he tightened his arms around me.

"Hmmm," he murmured, the fingers between my legs venturing farther, finding slick evidence that proved I was indeed very impressed. "Why do I get the feeling you're not referring to my storytelling skills?"

"I have no idea." The last word ended on a whoosh of breath as he ran a fingertip over my slit, spreading me open and drawing the wetness up to the peak of my sex. He pressed forward with his hips, the head of his cock slipping inside me.

I tried to push back against him, but he chuckled and held me in place. "There's no rush...I don't have to be at the hospital for a few hours yet. Just feel me." Then he fastened his lips on the insanely sensitive spot on my neck, pulling the skin between his teeth. At the same time, his finger began moving in slow, firm circles against my clit and ― put a feather in my hat and call me Yankee Doodle Dandy ― I think I saw stars.

_Ridiculous, I know, but what can I say? He kills my brain cells._

"Can I ― Oh, God," I moaned as he slid in just a tiny bit deeper and I thought he was going to give me what I so desperately wanted, but he stopped, chuckling against my neck. "Can I feel _more_ of you?" I begged, bucking my hips against his hand as his fingers circled faster.

"You need more?" His voice was gravelly and soft, deep with emotion as he spoke at my ear. He pinched my nipple harder than usual, drawing a surprised moan of pleasure from my lips. His hand curved around my breast, his fingertips digging into the skin with nearly painful force. I smiled, because I knew it meant I was that much closer to getting what I wanted. He was losing control, and it wouldn't take much more to push him over the edge.

"Give me more, Edward." Air rushed in and out of my chest as he pushed farther, but I couldn't seem to catch my breath. "Please." I turned my head back toward his, reaching up and grabbing the hair at the nape of his neck.

He pressed his mouth to mine, sucking on my bottom lip and scraping the underside with his teeth. "Come first," he whispered into my mouth, his fingers working faster between my legs. I could feel the knot of burning pleasure tightening in my abdomen, driving me higher, but I couldn't quite get there. He had me hanging on the brink, my hips jerking under his hold. I tried to throw my leg back over his hip, pushing my ass back against him.

"Leave them closed," he rasped, his gravelly tone going straight to my clit. His hand left my chest, trailing up to encircle my throat gently. Kissing me harder, he swiped his tongue over mine, and I couldn't resist sucking it back into my mouth when he retreated. His hips jerked, sending him almost completely inside me.

I moaned against his lips, loving the feel of his hands ― holding me at two of the most vulnerable parts of my body. He always managed to lay me bare, and easily stripped me of every defense. At the same time, he opened himself to me, every time. At times like this, he was raw and tender, his gentle touch laced with a bit of rough desperation, like he just couldn't help himself. He took greedily and gave generously, and I had no doubt it was an exact replica of the way I felt about him.

I felt his answering groan vibrate against my mouth as he shifted, seating himself fully inside and beginning a rhythm. There was nothing tentative about the way he moved ― hard and deep and deliberate, want evident in the strength of his grip and the tension in his frame. My mouth fell away from his as my head lolled to the side, and he trailed kisses high across my cheek before nuzzling into my hair. My breath froze in my chest, burning pressure curling tighter with every heartbeat, every thrust. It was just enough ― the pressure and the thick slide of him causing my muscles to tighten, sending me headlong into an orgasm that seemed years in coming. As I rode it out, I tried once again to widen my legs, to give him more room to move.

"Keep them there. Don't move," he begged, his voice breathless and deep. "It's even tighter..." His words dissolved into a moan as he thrust faster, his hand still working between my thighs in a rhythm that was almost too much to bear. I let my free hand wander down, covering his fingers and stilling them.

"I can't...please...just take what you want. Just feel me," I whispered, repeating his earlier words. His hips smacked against my ass as he increased his pace, fucking me harder as his hand moved lower. I could feel his fingertips tracing lightly, pressing on either side of his cock, feeling where we were joined.

He dropped his forehead to my temple as he moved in short, hard jerks, his pleasure rumbling out of his chest in a long, low growl as he came.

For a few minutes I lay there, eyes closed in a well-satisfied stupor and a silly grin on my face as I half-listened to the girls arguing about who would get to wave the checkered flag for the little swimmers. Edward's breathing slowly returned to normal, and all the while, he pressed soft, slow kisses along the line of my neck. I could feel him softening inside me as his arms slackened, and he shifted his hips, pulling away slowly and turning me to face him.

"I love seeing you like this," he whispered, sliding his palm down the middle of my chest and over the curve of my waist before coming to rest low on my hip.

Opening my eyes to lush, velvety blurs of green and bronze, I blinked slowly to clear my vision, letting his dear face come into contrast. "Like what?" I questioned, still smiling my lazy grin.

"Satisfied...boneless...speechless," he replied, his voice quivering with suppressed laughter on the last word.

"Ha ha, very funny. I'd pout and try to smack you if I had the energy."

"Good. I don't think I have the energy to evade even _your_ misplaced blows."

"In that case," I trailed off, halfheartedly swatting at his arm. He caught my hand and pulled it toward him, leaning toward me at the same time, our lips colliding. I was sucked back into the limited world of warmth and softness, hushed breaths, and gentle touches, but all the urgency was gone, taken over by comfort and affection. When we parted, he laid his head on the pillow next to mine and looked like he was about to fall back asleep. I pushed the stray hair off his forehead, weaving my fingers through the soft, thick strands I loved to feel on my fingertips.

Remembering our earlier playful talk, I once again thought about the story of the _Dioskuroi. _My curiosity flared again, something niggling at the back of my head. When it suddenly hit me, I felt the most embarrassing, trivial little thrill, no matter how utterly ridiculous my thoughts were.

"Aren't you a Gemini?" I asked softly, unable to stop myself. Something about wearing "his" constellation on my back, though through an accident of nature, was fitting. It excited and moved me more than I wanted to admit.

"I am," he murmured, opening his eyes to watch me through the thick auburn fringe of his lashes. "I was wondering if you'd catch that."

"Do I ever miss anything?"

"You don't want me to answer that," he said with a smug little chuckle.

I flopped over on my back in his arms, hitting him with The Look and a raised eyebrow.

"No need to give me the bitch-brow," he laughed, smoothing a fingertip over the offending crease.

"Then don't be insinuating that I'm spacey," I pouted. He knew I enjoyed his teasing, but I couldn't have him getting a bigger ego than he already possessed.

"That's not what I meant. There are..._certain times _when you're not the most attentive. I'd be happy to prove it, but, alas, I'm a mortal man and need _some_ refractory time."

I burst out in giggles ― _holy shit, what the _fuck_ has he done to me_ ― before I agreed. "Ahh...I suppose I can own up to that."

"I thought you might," he returned smugly, blessing me with the smirk.

_Wait...he _blessed me_ with the smirk? Oh, shit...he's taken over my brain._

_**No, that would be us, Bella. "Ground Control to Major Tom..."**_

God help me, but I was impressed whenever they spouted David Bowie.

"Speaking of signs, what's yours?" he asked, brushing a stray piece of hair from my forehead.

"I'm a Virgo," I answered absently, closing my eyes as his fingertips lingered on the shell of my ear.

"So," he whispered, letting his fingers wander down my throat, stopping at the place where neck met shoulder, one of his ― and my ― favorite spots. "You were born in what? Late August or early September?"

"September thirteenth."

"Finally!" he chortled, placing little kisses along my neck.

"You asshole! You tricked me!" I sputtered, trying to squirm out of his grip.

"I bet it was a Friday. I'm right, aren't I?"

"No, jerk, it was a Thursday, for your information." I huffed a little sigh, turning my head as far away from him as I could.

"Come on, Bella...even _you_ have to admit I was pretty slick. You admire my powers of persuasion."

"Yes, Grasshopper, you've learned well," I grumbled. "But please...just don't advertise it, okay?"

He turned my head back to face him, leaving his palm cupped over my cheek. "Why? There would be no _you_ without your birthday...and that's not something I could live with," he answered, a sweet smile curving his lips.

"Because something awful or embarrassing always happens, that's why! And people want to throw me parties, and make a big deal, and―"

Edward placed a gentle finger over my lips. "Shhh...don't get upset. Tell me. I could use a good laugh before I have to go back to the hospital." I wanted to wipe that smile off his face.

Did it matter if I wanted to do it with my tongue?

_**Yes, it matters...if you **_**don't **_**use your tongue. **_

Of course. In the girls' perfect world, tongue was always necessary. Come to think of it, tongue was necessary in mine as well...

"I'm not upset, it's just...bad things happen on my birthday. I got a kitten once, and Renee ran over it on my birthday. I had two hamsters, and they died! Twice! On. My. Birthday."

"Wait, what? How did your hamsters die twice?" he asked with a bewildered laugh, but his eyes sparked with curiosity, all gleaming green and adorable crinkles.

"I swear, they did! They died in the morning, and I put them together in a shoebox, and Renee and I had a funeral for them and everything...and then Mr. and Mrs. Skirty woke up!" I babbled, feeling slightly traumatized just from thinking of all the pet deaths I'd left in my wake.

_**Hmm...maybe your luck will take care of our little "kitty" problem...**_

_Did they just threaten Rennie? Wait, that means _I_ indirectly threatened her! Oh, God..._

The circular logic was driving me insane. It was probably best to ignore it.

"You had hamsters named Mr. and Mrs. Skirty?"

"I tell you my hamsters died, came back to life, and then _died_ again, and you're questioning my awesomely creative pet-naming skills? They looked like they had skirts! I was nine!"

"You did name our cat Renesmee," he trailed off with a raised eyebrow.

"_Now_ who's got the bitchbrow?" I grumbled, but I had to admit he was right. "Okay, so Renesmee was a stupid name. Rennie is much better, right?"

"God, _anything_ is better than that name. I was calling her 'Ness' in my head from the very beginning," he said smugly, and I knew an _I told you so_ was on the tip of his tongue.

"Okay, okay, enough with the Bella-bashing. I admit, I gave our cat the dumbest name known to man."

"Yeah...I'm pretty sure that's an understatement."

I smacked him lightly on the arm, earning a wide smile and a swift kiss on the lips. _I love him so...he even likes my mild violence._

"Just...please don't go running your mouth about my birthday. I usually like to spend it alone in my room. Things work out better for mankind that way...less injuries, emotional trauma, and embarrassment," I finished.

"Bella...I'm pretty sure the world's not going to come to an end if I celebrate it with you," he said softly, dropping a soft kiss on my lips.

"Can we stay in all day? I mean, if we don't give fate a chance to spite us, maybe it will be okay?"

He laughed, hugging me close. "Sure, but the building could always collapse in an earthquake, or catch on fire..."

"Shut up. It could happen."

"So, this is just a general fear of bad luck on your special day? Not some kind of silly aversion to presents?"

"Are you kidding me? I _love_ presents. Who doesn't?"

"Okay, Miss Gold-digger," he snickered, rolling onto his back and taking me with him.

I snorted right in his face. "I don't see any jewelry on my person," I mused, holding out a hand where we could see it, and then making a show of feeling for a necklace and earrings. "Nope ― no jewelry. Isn't that what gold-diggers want? Jewels and money? Maybe breast implants?"

"You're insane. You don't need breast implants."

"Aww, Edward. You're so sweet. I love you too."

"Does that mean there's an open seat on the motorboat?"

"Always, my love."

_**Vroom vroom!**_

_Yes, indeed, girls. Vroom vroom._

_

* * *

  
_

The rest of July passed quickly, in a blur of job applications and travel preparations. A few days before we were to leave for Hawaii, after weeks of emailing, completing the requisite phone interviews, and submitting samples of my work, I got an in person interview with thinkgeek dot com. I was excited, because the job description was very Elaine Benes ― I'd be describing their products for the blurbs posted on the website. Of course, I wouldn't be describing the Urban Sombrero or some sort of Burmese pottery made entirely of silkworm poo, but I'd have free reign to be snarky as hell, I'd get to test out their goodies and, best of all, I'd get to work from home!

When I received the news, I couldn't wait to tell Edward. If I got this job, it would mean a significant pay hike, which meant I could quit working at the restaurant. I knew he didn't care what I did for a living, but I also knew it wasn't the best situation for us. Edward had become such a major part of my life in the past few months...we deserved the best chance possible, and quitting the bar would give that to us.

So, like the dork I was, I printed out the interview offer and hopped on the lightrail, heading for the hospital. It was a bit easier to find Edward's office this time, and I managed to navigate the halls without any run-ins with Peter.

Edward's office was empty when I reached it, so I decided to make myself at home, propping my feet on his tiny desk. I punched out a quick text to let him know lunch ― meaning_ me_ ― was hot and ready in his office and sat back to wait. Before long, I could hear his voice in the hallway...but he wasn't alone.

"There's this great little oyster bar a few blocks from here...their lunch specials are to _die_ for."

That was definitely _not_ Edward's voice.

"Oysters? F-For lunch?" he stuttered, the obvious anxiety in his voice making me smile.

_**We'll let you give him a blow-job for that one, Bella. The Precious is so faithful, **_the girls cooed. I had to nod my head in silent approval.

"Of course! Nothing stimulates the...brain...better than a platter of oysters," the slattern continued.

_Slattern? Since when did my brain get knocked back into Biblical times? Maybe next, I can call her a harlot! A Jezebel!_

Before I knew it, I'd crept up to the other side of his door, nearly salivating for his response.

"I'm sorry ― I'm allergic to shellfish," he rushed out. I had to cover my mouth to keep from cackling. Edward was even worse at lying than I was. This chick must be a piece of work if he wasn't being his usual charming self. At this point, he sounded about as skilled with the ladies as Steve Urkel.

_**Did we do thaaaat?**_

_Oh, Holy Christ, girls! We do _not_ quote _Family Matters!

They hiked up their pants, showing off their tiny, snow-white socks with black sneakers.

Thankfully, I was saved by the Whore of UW Medical Center.

"Oh, that's too bad," she breathed in a voice I'm sure she thought sounded sexy, but really sounded like an aging stripper with emphysema. "I know they have a _fabulous _menu ― it's not all shellfish."

_Suuuure. You're talking about their menu...if their menu includes a trip to tuna town._

Scowling, I set my ear to the door, wishing like hell I had x-ray vision and could see through the door. I could feel my cheeks and ears heating ― hell, I could feel sweat beading on my spine as my fingers involuntarily curled into fists. Cavella was back. I mentally polished my billy club and straightened my fur pelt. It wouldn't do to show off the boobs when I was kicking some harlot ass.

The girls only fanned the flames. _**Get her, Bella! Grab her by the hair and curb-stomp her, **_**American History X**_**-style!**_

_Oh, Lord...they're going to get me arrested._ God help me, but it sounded like a good plan.

Edward's voice managed to cool some of my rage. "Heidi, I'm sure it's wonderful, but I really can't. I'm meeting my girlfriend for lunch." _Heidi? Does she have two blonde braids, an old grandfather, and live in the Swiss Alps? _

I snickered as I pressed my ear to the door even harder, wishing I could see the tramp's face.

"Oh, Edward," she sighed. _Oh, so he's 'Edward' to her, is he?_ "You don't have to pull out the imaginary girlfriend card with me." Oh, so the voicebox stripper was back. That was enough. Thank God I'd picked out a particularly offensive and appropriate shirt today. Hopefully it would make me a little more intimidating. Straightening the fabric so the "It's Irony, You Dumb Bitch" was front and center, I opened the door, ready to make her eat her words.

Pasting a smile on my face, I said, "I thought I heard your voice, Buttercup!" _Oops...probably shouldn't have called him by the emasculating nickname._

"Bella," he greeted, relief evident in his voice as he snagged me around the waist and tugged me closer. _Maybe he didn't notice..._ He enveloped me in a tight hug and put his lips near my ear. "Thanks for the rescue, but you're going to get it for the Buttercup, Biff." It was low enough that the vulture next to us couldn't hear him.

"It's good to see you, too, Edward," I laughed. Keeping his arm tucked around me, he gestured to the usurper.

"Heidi, this is Bella," he said warmly, never taking his eyes from mine. His gaze calmed the fires of jealousy that had taken up residence in my gut.

_**We still want to meet her in a dark alley somewhere with an iron pipe and some brass knuckles...**_

The girls seriously needed some anger management classes.

I managed to rip my eyes from his for a second, in the interest of being polite. "Nice to meet you...Heidi, right?" I asked innocently. _What? Being both polite and smug is not mutually exclusive! _"I'm the 'imaginary' girlfriend." I was pretty sure the bitch brow was firmly in place, and I didn't even try to rein it in. My feathers were ruffled, and it was time for some posturing.

"Heidi Blattmann," she supplied, holding her hand out to shake. _Dude! She really must be from the Swiss Alps... Maybe I can ask her to yodel._ _Maybe she has a Ricola? _ I grasped her hand, fighting the urge to try to break her fingers. I couldn't resist surreptitiously wiping my hand on my jeans, which, of course, she caught.

Edward caught it too, his lips twitching in a little smirk. "Heidi's the ARNP for the BMT Unit. She's going to be taking over my study duties while we're in Hawaii."

_**Yes, you Jezebel...we'll be cavorting with the Precious on the beach, while you're stuck in this dump! **__**  
**__**  
**_Swear to God, they cackled like the Wicked Witch of the West.

I didn't miss the way her left eye twitched at that statement. Turning to Edward, I grinned. "Two days, then two weeks of beaches and _leis_...I can't wait." Edward almost choked at the extra emphasis I put on the _leis. That's right, Doctor...I wasn't talking about flower necklaces._

"Well, I'll leave you two to your lunch," Heidi said quickly. "See you around, Edward. Bella," she finished sourly. I gave her an insolent little wave, one of those finger wiggles that just screamed "toodles, bitch!"

"Bye," I called brightly as Edward dragged me into his office, laughing softly at my antics. He shut the door, playfully shoving my back against the cool wood.

"Please don't call me Buttercup in public," he chided before rubbing his lips over mine. I could feel his smile as I leaned into him, pressing my mouth to his with more force. Nibbling on his bottom lip, I pulled it into my mouth as I wound my fingers in his hair and tugged. His breath was a soft hum against my lips, tasting faintly of mint as he deepened the kiss. Recognizing that things were beginning to cross the line from a "hello" kiss to a "I'll be stealing your underoos and shoving them in my pocket" kiss, I used my grip on his hair to pull him back.

"A girl has to mark her territory somehow...Buttercup," I teased.

"Right. But I know a much better way for you to mark your territory," he said, raising an eyebrow and jerking his head toward his cluttered desk.

"As much as I'd love to get involved in a little workplace indiscretion, I have news for you!"

"Yeah? Good news, I'm guessing?"

"I got a job interview!" I said, nearly bouncing in excitement.

"That's great, Bella!" He swept me up in a hug, lifting my feet off the ground for a second. "I take it you're excited about this prospect?"

"So excited! I'd be writing website copy for thinkgeek dot com, and I get to work from home!"

"Care to join me in the hospital cafeteria? You can fill me in on the way."

"You want me to eat hospital food? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Safe? Yes," he laughed. "Edible? Sometimes. But don't you want to mark your territory?" He winked, offering me his arm. "Here's your chance to show everyone I'm taken."

I couldn't pass _that_ up. "I suppose I _should_ make an honest man out of you," I said, letting my voice trail off as we stepped into the hallway.

"I can only hope," he murmured, as he locked the door behind us. I ignored the butterflies the statement stirred in my stomach. It made me nervous, but not for the right reason, according to my inner coward.

No, the nerves didn't come from an adverse reaction to the idea of committing myself to him forever. The nerves were due to the fact that the idea didn't scare me nearly as much as it should have.

The hospital cafeteria atmosphere was almost like being thrown back into high school. I froze up as soon as we walked through the big double doors, startled at the sheer size of the place.

"Change your mind yet?" he whispered at my ear, guiding me toward the food line with a hand on the small of my back. He always knew what to say to get me riled up.

"Of course not!" I really did want to change my mind, but it was time to put an end to the talk about Edward's imaginary girlfriend, once and for all. "Do you want everyone to keep thinking you made me up?"

"I don't care," he said simply, shrugging as he picked up a tray for us to share. "I know you're real. What we have is real. Does it really matter what everyone else thinks?"

My cheeks heated to match the warmth in the middle of my chest as I grinned at him. He always knew just what to say to make me melt.

"You just want to take me back to your office for a nooner." This earned a hearty laugh, drawing the attention of several others in the line.

"I didn't know you were a mind reader," he murmured in my ear. Then he pressed a soft kiss to my temple as he sat the tray on the rail and began sliding it down the line.

"I don't have to be a mind reader to guess that sex is the first thing on your mind."

"You'd be wrong, Bella...you're usually the first thing that comes to mind. Sex ― with _you_ ― is the second thing that comes to mind."

"You're such a sweet-talker!" I mock gushed, putting a hand to my heart.

"I know," he said smugly, turning his attention to the institutional spread laid out before us. "What would you like? Over here, we have the ever-famous green jell-o concoction, displayed right next to the delicious tapioca pudding..."

"Gross...tapioca? That stuff is like snot with booger chunks," I blurted, earning a dirty look from the lunch lady. I looked away contritely, scurrying to the next section.

"A woman after my own heart." He came up behind me, reaching around to toss something on the tray. I couldn't find the willpower to pay attention, because he stood so close that I could feel his heat against my back.

"Thank God," I finally managed. "Tapioca is another deal-breaker."

"Good to know," he chuckled, directing me to the most disgusting-looking pizza I'd ever seen outside of the Forks High cafeteria.

"We're going to eat this?" My eyes flicked from the concoction on our tray to his beautiful, smirking face.

"It tastes better than it looks, believe me."

"I'm going to start packing you a lunch every day. Isn't hospital food supposed to be fit for human consumption?"

"You'll pack me a lunch? How very domestic of you, love."

"Don't tease, or I'll pack it in my Rainbow Brite lunchbox," I threatened, poking him in the belly before turning to grab a bottle of lemonade from the cooler.

"You have a Rainbow Brite lunchbox?" he laughed, stopping to flash his hospital ID and pay for our meal. I waited until we were searching for a seat in the packed room to respond.

"Oh, come on, I've seen your Star Wars lunchbox...and those nerdy dolls that take up half of your closet," I said as we found a table empty on one side. Edward slid in next to me, not leaving even an inch to spare between us.

_**Take that, all you sexy nurses and slutty doctors! The precious is ours. You all may wield the scalpels, but we're not afraid to cut a bitch.**_

Such pent-up rage! Truthful pent-up rage, but I was a bit scared of the girls after that.

"I'll have you know, those are priceless collectibles, not dolls," he growled playfully. "Priceless."

"Does that mean I can sell them on E-Bay while you're at work?" To cover up my grin, I took a large drink of my lemonade.

"You wouldn't!"

"I might," I said, pretending to ignore him, spinning the bottlecap on the pitted surface of the table. He snatched it right out of my hands and shoved it in the pocket of his lab coat. I almost legitimately swooned when I imagined trying to fish it out. "Why, is that a deal-breaker?"

"I think I'm finding it pretty hard to consider anything a deal-breaker where you're concerned, Bella," he said softly, pushing a slice of pizza toward me. I blinked, letting the warm shock his words caused resonate through my chest. I hoped this feeling never went away. He always managed to bring forth that feeling of new love and complete devotion. At a loss for words, I filled my mouth with pizza, finding it surprisingly good.

"You were right. It's not as bad as it looks." _Way to go, Bella. Speaking with your mouth full is so sexy._

"I'd rather be eating one of your promised bag-lunches, but someone insisted I show her off for the whole hospital to see." He grinned, bumping me with his shoulder.

I took a moment to watch him eat, taking in his crisp white coat, a wonderful contrast to his messy brown hair with those copper streaks shining in the fluorescent light. He caught me looking at him, his eyes shining with evergreen warmed by summer sun, the golden flecks in his irises standing out in unusual relief today.

"Edward? You know I'd still love you even if you liked tapioca," I said with a shy smile. "I might even be willing to eat it for you."

"If that's not love, I don't know what is," he replied with a grin, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. We spent the rest of our lunch teasing and pretending to eat, wrapped up in each other. All in all, it was a good lunch, despite the terrible hospital food. Edward could make anything fun ― all it took for me was just being with him. We ― meaning _I_ ― made sure to give a good show of PDA, marking my territory to excess. By the time we left, there was little doubt that Edward was very attached. I couldn't have made it clearer had I made him strut down the halls in a sandwich board with my name on it.

The girls were pleased.

* * *

_  
Hi there! I still can't remember what I'm forgetting. Crap._

_Thanks for reading, reviewing, recommending and fav-ing (ahh, making up words is fun)._

_Entries are still open for the Fun With Your Clothes On Contest, hosted by nerac/carenl and Kassiah. Give us your leg hitches! You can find the contest link on my profile.  
_  
_Umm...finally, I've got a rec for you. Warning: it's angsty. REALLY angsty...but I couldn't stop reading after the first chapter. It's also not complete...but I just loved it. Then again, I've got a soft spot for Addictward. It's a sickness.  
__  
__**Stampede of a Thousand Pulses**__ by ss10__: A love so desperate it typifies addiction. "No one else." And he sounds so barbaric; the first sentence that carries no stutter is not sweet or even gentle. "Only me." AH/OOC/Dark._

_http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5676099/1/Stampede_Of_A_Thousand_Pulses_

_Okay, that's it, I think. Let me know what you thought! (I have a secret wish to have at least 1 chapter where I get like 400 reviews...yeah, I'm cackling too.)  
_

_Hawaii's next, I promise. _


	32. You Don't Get Lei'd in Hawaii?

_I don't own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended._

_Grazie to EchoesOfTwilight for being the best betafish in the world. If she was a real beta fish, I bet she'd be one of the awesome red and blue ones. __She's also a kickass fic soul mate._

_So...Hawaii, yes? Enjoy, and more at the bottom if you're interested._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 32: You Don't Get Lei'd in Hawaii?**

The night before Edward and I left for Maui, Jake came up to pet-sit Rennie. As creepy as my stoner friend was when it came to our cat, I knew he wouldn't let anything happen to her. He claimed that meeting Rennie had changed his life, and led him to his true calling: professional pet-sitting. He'd even gone and gotten himself certified and insured, though I did wonder what the underwriter had been smoking when he'd approved _that_ application. I was also pretty sure that, if that was the case, the alleged substance probably came from Jake himself.

Apparently, there was quite a market for pet-sitting in the Forks area, and it _was _the perfect occupation for Jake. For a small daily fee, he'd come by your house, water your plants, bring in your mail, and take care of your critters. Jake was in heaven, because he could do all of these tasks while baked out of his mind. I just hoped he didn't forget to lock the clients' doors before he left.

As a self-proclaimed "family friend," he was doing it for free. That is, if letting him stay in my apartment for ten days ― with a stocked pantry ― could be considered free. I got back at him by asking Edward to take me grocery shopping, telling him it was for Jake, and having him help me fill the cart with the healthiest, most bland types of food he could recommend for a patient.

No Cheez-Its, Fun-Yuns, or heavenly Bugles for Jake this time ― his snacking options had been reduced to lettuce, broccoli, wheat germ, natural peanut butter, whole grain bread, and raw, unsalted almonds for him. _He'll be in munchie hell...perfect_.

"I think that's going to be it, Jake," I said, grabbing my overnight bag and heading for the door.

My real luggage was already packed and waiting at Edward's place, thanks to Buttercup and his listmaking / paranoia that we'd leave something behind. I don't think I could count on both hands the number of times I'd seen him fiddling with our stuff in the last couple days. It was annoying, actually ― it kept reminding me of things I wanted to wear but couldn't, since the soccer mom in him wouldn't let me touch the bags once they'd been packed.

"Rennie attacked and killed all my plants, so they won't need to be watered. I've already shown you where I keep her food, and she really likes to have her litterbox cleaned out once a day―"

"I've got it, Bells. This isn't my first gig," he said cockily. "Oh, hey, before you go, I brought you something." He reached into the huge pocket of his ratty cargo shorts and pulled out something colorful, tossing it at my face. It hit me in the nose before I managed to snag it.

"A lei? Um, thanks, Jake," I said with a grin. It was one of those plastic leis they handed out at cheesy luau-themed backyard barbeques, the ones that always made my neck itch like crazy. It still made me happy nonetheless. Maybe the little stoner was harmless after all.

"Hey, when else would I get a chance to 'lei' you?" he quipped, grinning at me like a lecherous old man ― the kind who wore basketball shorts from the seventies and watched little girls at the public swimming pool. _Right. Definitely not harmless._

_**Bella, we need to burn this lei, immediately. The dog-boy must not be allowed to "lei" us. Ever.**_

_But girls, burning plastic smells so awful! Maybe I can just punch him in the kidney?_

I heard nothing else, so I assumed they approved.

"Jake, repeat after me," I said between clenched teeth. "I. Will. Never. Get. To. 'Lei.' Bella. Got it?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes and I turned back to the door, shaking my head. "I can't wait to 'lei' Bella again," I heard him snicker as I left the apartment in a huff.

"If you molest my cat, I'm going to kill you," I yelled back at him while I headed for the elevator. Thankfully, the car arrived and the doors slid shut before I could hear his response. In some cases, ignorance was bliss...for me. For poor Rennie, however, I wasn't so sure. Did that make me a bad mother?

**w-W-w**

When I finally heard Edward's key in the lock late that night, his loft smelled of bacon, just as I'd planned. He'd need some sustenance after his last twelve-hour shift at the hospital. I was waiting at the breakfast table in my usual stolen pajamas and Jake's lei when Edward stumbled into the kitchen, looking exhausted.

"Bacon," he moaned, sticking his arms out like a zombie and heading for the little table. I held out a piece and he ate the whole thing in one bite before grabbing my hand and pulling me up for a hug.

"Hi, Buttercup, how was your day?" I asked, making him sigh heavily at the nickname.

"Long. Exhausting," he answered. I half-expected the girls to make a "that's what she said" joke, but I guess they were asleep at this hour, since they were silent. This new, quieter version of the girls was rather enjoyable. Okay, not exactly _enjoyable,_ but they were tolerable.

"Ready to begin your much-deserved vacation?" I slipped the lei off my neck and looped it around his, using it to pull him down for a kiss.

"You have no idea," he whispered when we parted, fingering the plastic flowers that now decorated him very nicely. "What's this?" He grinned, jiggling the necklace I held in my fist.

"Jake gave it to me before I left him with Rennie," I explained, loosening my grip and smoothing the lei over his chest. His eyebrows arched, and I could tell his thoughts were going straight into the gutter, just like Jake's had.

"I really don't appreciate the symbolism of his gift."

"Someone's mind is in the gutter. It's a token of good wishes and affection," I lectured primly.

"I think Jake's got too much 'affection' for you," Edward muttered.

"And you know all _my_ affection is for you." Because he was a spoiled, pouting brat and I was a complete pushover when it came to his crap, I waggled my eyebrows and grabbed the lei again, pulling him closer. "'Muka laka hiki, c'mon you wanna lei me. Pass the poi. Mahalo.'"

"You've been watching too much _Wayne's World_," he chuckled, and covered my mouth with his.

"'Mekka lekka hi, mekka hiney-ho,'" he said in a low, appreciative voice as he released me, grabbing another piece of bacon and heading for the bedroom to change out of his wrinkled clothes. "I'll be right back."

"That's from _Pee-Wee's Playhouse_, not _Wayne's World_," I laughed scornfully, watching his superb ass until he disappeared through the doorway.

He stuck his head back out and said, "I know, I just like to say it. But you still have to grant me one wish, because I said the magic words." Then his head was gone again, and I could hear his clothes as they hit the floor.

_Oh, I'll grant your wish...__  
__  
__**As long as his wish has something to do with a nice, long game of hide-and-seek with the Precious, we completely approve.**__  
__  
__I can only hope._

Every cell in my body was wired, excited for the trip tomorrow and almost vibrating with energy that needed to be expended before I'd even be able to think about sleeping. I knew just the way to work it off...but Sex Hair needed a little sustenance before I turned the mop on his head into Sex Hair about ten minutes of rearranging the pieces of bacon on his plate into different shapes, with no sign of Edward, I lost my patience.

"Aren't you going to come and eat?" I called, frowning when several moments went by with no response. Curious, I went to the bedroom, and the sight awaiting me made my heart clench, do flip-flops, cartwheels, and all the other girly things it always did when I saw him like this.

Edward was fast asleep on top of the covers in bed, sprawled out on his stomach in only a pair of boxers. The poor guy was still wearing the itchy plastic lei. It was a sight I could see daily for the rest of my life. He looked so young, his messy hair falling into his face, his lips parting on a little puff of air that I knew from experience was a precursor to the full-on snoring that would come later.

Devil Bella sat on one shoulder, whispering creative ways to wake him up, all involving my mouth and his bare skin.

_**We love you, Devil Bella.**_

Of course they would. Angel Bella picked that moment to reappear ― after what seemed like months of hiding ― and scolded me from the other shoulder, telling me that he needed his sleep. I was actually inclined to agree with her, which made the Devil and her two sidekicks very angry.

So instead of stripping off all my clothes and waking Edward with my tongue, I made sure the alarm was set and slid in next to him, sighing in contentment as he rolled onto his side and automatically pulled me into his chest without waking up.

I don't think I slept that much that night, but I really didn't mind. Any night spent in Edward's arms was win in my book.

...Even if I did have to listen to bitching ovaries berating the status of my "womanhood" all night.

_Shut it, girls. Like we don't get it enough to make women everywhere hate our guts._

**w-W-w**

"I still can't believe you brought your own travel blanket," I teased as we stood in line to deplane in Maui.

"Do you have any idea what people do with those airline blankets? Those things are so disgusting they could sicken an entire third world country."

"An entire country?" I asked with a smirk.

"Maybe a small principality. Or a registered territory," he conceded. I must not have looked convinced. "Someday, you'll thank God for that blanket," he said with a cryptic little growl as he grabbed my ass. I yelped and everyone stared at me; of course, we were packed on this plane so tightly that no one could see his wandering hands. It was hot and sticky in the cabin, all of us crowded into the tiny aisles, eager to stretch our legs after the long-ass flight.

"Stop that," I whispered harshly, but I really didn't mean it. I just had to keep up some semblance of decency, no matter how much I enjoyed his playful fondling.

"That's what you get for asking me 'are we there yet' so many damn times. And for making fun of my clean travel blanket, which is guaranteed free of any bodily fluids of dubious origin."

I just couldn't help it. He sounded so serious, and all I could do was giggle at his insistence. His chest was warm and solid as I leaned back against him and laughed, causing him to grunt and shift his weight in the aisle. I could tell he was moving around as he made sure his backpack was hitched over his shoulder, and then he slid an arm around my waist. Sweat was beading at the back of my neck from the humidity, and I wished I had something to tie my hair back. I still wasn't uncomfortable enough to want to lean away from him, though.

"You know only do it to annoy you," I said sweetly. "I'm sorry, Mr. Grouchy, but I'm excited, okay?" I gave him my best grin, really meaning it. I'd always wanted to go to Hawaii. Always. Craning my neck back to see him, I caught his dopey smile that made me all warm and girly inside. I puckered my lips, looking for a kiss, which he promptly gave.

"Me too. Though all I want to do right now is check into our room and lay down." The rough timbre to his voice let me know that sleeping might not be the first order of business. I loved it that my guy had priorities. "Now I remember why I hate sitting in the back of the plane," he complained, and I even found his whining sort of adorable. "I feel like we're never going to get out of here."

"Wonder what the penalty would be for opening the emergency exits? It would be fun to go down the air slides, but then we'd miss the leis when we get off the plane."

He laughed. "So eager to get 'lei'd."

_**Oh, yes, Edward. You're welcome to 'lei' us at your earliest convenience.**__  
__  
__Such polite little pervs, those girls.__  
_  
I pretended like his voice didn't make my very internal organs vibrate to his frequency. "Am I going to hear perverted little lei jokes like that this whole trip?" I let him see the small smile I wore just before I faced the front of the plane as the line began to move forward.

"I'm just talking about those flower necklace things."

"So was I! You're the one using that innuendo-filled sex voice on me. You know I'm talking about the leis we'll get when we get off the plane."

"I don't think they do that anymore, actually," he said, and I could hear that stupid smirk. _What? I don't get a lei? What the hell? All my childhood dreams of Hawaii have been tainted with untruth!__  
__  
_"You're kidding," I said flatly, looking back at him. "But...in all the movies, you get leis when you get off the plane. Haven't you ever seen that movie with Elvis in Hawaii? Elvis is always wearing a lei when he's not surfing or singing! Gidget got a lei when _she _went to Hawaii!" I felt like stomping my foot.

Edward lost it, dropping his forehead to my shoulder and laughing out loud.

"It's not funny." I was seriously fucking disappointed. I felt as if I'd been lied to my whole life by the Hawaii State Board of Tourism. All my fears came true when we stepped off the jetway and followed the rest of the crowd to baggage claim. Nowhere did I see any leis.

We caught up with the rest of our party at the claim. I was still sulking over my lei-lessness, and Emmett noticed immediately.

"What's wrong, Meat Girl? You look grouchier than a chihuahua living in Paris Hilton's purse!"

"We didn't get lei'd."

"What?" he chortled. "Does that mean you guys got caught trying to join the mile high club? You two are brave on a plane that full!"

Edward was less than amused at Emmett's less than inside voice. "No, idiot. She's talking about leis. You know, flowers? Aloha?" He knocked at his brother's skull, which was pointless, because while Emmett had a very intelligent brain, he kept it hidden most of the time.

"Sure, whatever, Bro. You know, you're going to be the last Cullen to join, if you know what I mean," he laughed, wiggling his eyebrows at Edward.

_Wait, what? Even Esme and Dr. Hoo-Ha? _

I had to put all thoughts of Dr. Hoo-Ha ― damn it, _Carlisle_ ― out of my head before the girls got wind of him. I'd never hear the end of it.

"Shut it, Emmett," Edward said, playfully punching Emmett on the arm.

"_You_ shut it, E. We both know you're too much of a prude to try it."

Oh, Lord. This was getting out of hand. I was almost ready to grab Edward by the hand and drag him back onto the nearest plane so we could prove Emmett wrong ― because he was definitely oh, so wrong. Sex Hair was a closet _non_-prude. I didn't know if I could go as far as to say he was a closet exhibitionist pervert, but he was pretty damn close.

_**There's always the "Family" restroom, Bella...you know, the one with **_**two**_** stick figures on the door?**_

"Thanks a lot for helping me with the luggage, Em," Rose snipped as she breathlessly joined us, lugging two huge suitcases behind her.

"Baby, I've gotta make sure my wife is strong enough to 'handle me,' if you know what I mean," he said to her, pulling her into his side with one big arm. I didn't think anyone but Rosalie was supposed to hear that comment, and it made me blush and grin to see Meat Sweats being such an ass, yet such a sweetheart at the same time.

Turning away to give them whatever privacy was available in an international airport, I put my hand at Edward's elbow, silently indicating that I wanted to step back out of the mass of oblivious tourists that surrounded the conveyor belt. When we reached the fringes of the crowd, he stopped and faced me. I linked my hands with his as we stood with a respectable distance between us to wait for most of the other passengers to disperse before we retrieved our own bags. Though everyone had arrived on the same flight, Edward had rented his own car to drive, probably because he had such a stick up his ass about driving _everywhere_.

No one had any plans for tonight, anyway. Thank goodness, since our flight had been delayed for six hours ― and that was all before we sat on the runway for forty-five minutes after landing here in Maui. There wasn't even any daylight left. We'd chased the sun all the way here, but it had set while we were still in the plane, sunset's rays streaming directly into the small windows and heating the cabin uncomfortably. All of us were sweaty, sticky, and probably a little bit grouchy from the long day of travel.

"So," I began, nudging him playfully with our joined hands. "We're going to have to prove Meat Sweats wrong, you know."

"Oh, God, I was hoping you'd say that," he returned with a wicked grin. "At least we'll have one thing to look forward to when it's time to leave."

"No talking about leaving! We just got here, and in spite of the fact that I haven't gotten a lei and so far all my dreams of Hawaii have taken a severe beating―" he kissed me quickly to stop the volcanic eruption of word vomit, laughing against my mouth. "―I'm really excited," I admitted in a hushed voice, fighting the urge to bounce on my toes. _My normal, cynical self would be ashamed, but damn it, I'm happy, and why should I block the happy?_ _I'm not going to be a happy-blocker._

Edward grinned down at me, releasing my hands to link his fingers low on my back. "I can see that," he said, laughing softly into my hair when I pressed my face into his shirt. Hugging me tightly, he led me closer to the baggage belt once again. "Come on, let's get our things and head for the car. It's about a twenty-five minute drive to the hotel."

"Lead on, El Capitan," I joked, playfully tugging on a belt-loop as he turned to snag our suitcases.

"Hey," he blurted as my tug sent him off balance, causing him to miss my lime-green luggage. I laughed as I went for it, grabbing it on my second swipe. "You're strange." He was scowling in that really annoying, adorable way as we headed toward the exits to wait for the rental car shuttle. Despite my pestering, Edward was ever the gentleman when the bus arrived, easily loading all our things and letting me take a seat first.

"What kind of car are we getting?" I asked as he sat beside me, curling an arm about my shoulders.

"I'm not sure exactly. There are a few different models in the class I reserved," he hedged, his mouth curving slightly as he looked out the window ― which was pointless, because it was full dark now, turning the panes of glass to glaring mirrors. Then I realized he was staring at me via the window, and it suddenly wasn't so annoying.

It was fun to watch each other without really looking directly at one another. "Oh, really? Do they have a 'Soccer Mom' class?" I asked smugly, curling even closer to his side.

"Why do you care? You won't be driving," he said smoothly, and I couldn't keep from rolling my eyes like a teenager.

I full-out laughed when he led me to the reserved car. There, in spot G-29, was a damn shiny, stupid, silver Volvo. "Don't you have one of these at home?"

"Nope, this one's a convertible."

_A convertible? In Hawaii? Score!_ The girls adjusted their coconut bras and grass skirts as they tried to Hula dance in celebration.

"Ooh! Nice! We're putting the top down," I demanded, running to the passenger side. I knew better than to even try to finagle driving privileges tonight. Within no time at all, we were on our way, the humid wind blowing my stupid hair everywhere. Convertibles and long hair do not mix when you're without a hat or a hair tie, evidently. I finally just held it all back in one fist as I craned my neck every which way, trying to take in as many sights as I could in the darkness.

Edward drove faster, and the breeze cooled us steadily as we navigated the two-lane road south to Wailea. I took a deep breath of tropical air, sucking it greedily into my lungs. A sweet, smoky bitterness lingered in my nose, and I couldn't quite decide if I liked the smell. As we drove closer to the southern coast, the salt breezes became stronger, fresher, and yes ― I _loved_ this smell. It was better than rising bread dough, mom's homemade cookies, Cinnabon stands at the airport on the way to a beach resort...you name it. Then again, whenever Renee had made cookies, she usually burned them, so that might explain why the slight scent of burnt sugar was nostalgic and pleasing to me. Maybe it was that in combination with the scent of the ocean...every time I experienced it, it was that same, briny _ocean_ smell, yet every place had its own special nuances.

_This might be the most olfactory-pleasing place in the world. It might even smell better than Buttercup over there..._

_**You are not a marine mammal, missy. Ignore the ocean pheromones. Start huffing on that fine specimen of **_**Homo sapiens sapiens **_**right next to you!**_

Apparently, the girls knew their taxonomy. Impressive.

My cheeks hurt from smiling and my bicep burned from holding my stupid hair back ― _that_ was going to be a bitch to comb out later ― but I wouldn't change a thing about this evening. The stars were enormously bright here, and the convertible was perfect for stargazing. It was dizzying and exhilarating, leaning back as Edward smoothly handled the car at speeds I didn't care to know, but no matter how far we went, the stars never seemed to move.

Every time we paused at a stoplight or sign, I'd look over at him, and sometimes I'd catch him watching me. No matter when I looked, he had a smile on his face. Our perma-grins matched, apparently. The rest of the drive passed quickly, and my view of the stars was obstructed by the portico that covered the circular drive of the hotel as we came to a stop.

"Welcome to the Four Seasons, Ma'am," said a very tall man in tan shorts and a very understated Hawaiian shirt in shades of khaki. But still...it was a Hawaiian shirt. Very few people can pull that one off in the actual islands, let alone on the mainland. Then my mind actually registered where we were staying. The Four _freaking_ Seasons...I was suddenly afraid my very simple Washington roots were showing. _Note to self: try to act like a lady, not an awkward, possibly offensive police chief's daughter, 'kay?_

I whipped my head to the left, gaping at Edward. "Holy shit," I mouthed. He grinned at me and popped the trunk before he got out of the car, tossing the keys to another valet ― a shorter, dark-skinned man with dreadlocks.

"Checking in ― last name is Cullen," he said easily, taking the little cardstock claim ticket the man whipped off the pad in his hand, handing over a folded bill at the same time.

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen," the valet gushed, and went straight to the trunk to unload our bags. _Wow. Must have been a nice tip_.

I was still gawping at my surroundings like the Clampetts chugging on into Beverly Hills for the first time as I climbed out of the car at the first man's behest. Throwing him a distracted smile, I took in the line of cars kept up front. _Holy crap...is that a Lamborghini? Wait...I don't even recognize that thing, but it looks like it belongs in the Jetsons! _

"My name is James, and if there's anything I can do to make your stay more pleasant, Mrs. Cullen, please do not hesitate to let one of your helpful hotel staff know," he said, and his speech was so rehearsed I almost didn't notice what he'd called me ― almost. My jaw dropped and my cheeks started flaming like a propane torch as I nervously looked in Edward's direction, but James was blocking my line of sight.

_**We've been waiting our whole lives to hear someone call us Mrs. Precious...**__  
__  
__Christ...I didn't even want to think of the logistics of that subject. Would that count as polygamy? __  
_  
"Um, yes...I...thanks," I finished weakly, just _knowing _Edward the gossip was eavesdropping right behind the huge valet attendant. "But I'm not―"

"Thanks, James, we'll let you know," Edward said smoothly, coming around from the other side of the car.

"Very good, Mr. Cullen. You two go ahead and check in, and I'll have your bags brought up to your room."

Edward wrapped an arm around my waist and headed for the open courtyard entrance to the lobby. As he led me to the front desk, I chanced a look at him, and instantly regretted it. It was like the tractor beam, only worse. It was one step up ― nothing less than a full on, 'now-make-nice-and-come-to-daddy' stare.

I gulped.

When we reached the check-in desk, I hung back a bit while Edward coordinated our reservation. The whole lobby was open to the outdoors, leading out into a beautiful courtyard lined with hedgerows of hibiscus and dotted with palms.

"Bella?" Edward called, and I whirled to face him. _Oh! _ I must have started wandering as I was gaping at the lush and very expensive-looking surroundings.

"Are we ready?" I asked distractedly, feeling the pull of the beach outside, even though it was dark.

He held out his hand to mine, and I held on as he lead the way to the elevator and through the different wings of the resort. I knew I'd need to pay better attention as we came and went on this vacation, or I'd end up hopelessly lost. His lips were set in a firm smile, and I knew I was caught.

"Yes, we're all set..._Mrs. Cullen._" Crap.

"I didn't know what to say! Shit. He just assumed...and I didn't want to have to correct him," I blurted, my cheeks probably turning red enough to light up the dimmed hallway.

"I'm not complaining," he said with a smirk and a short side glance. "It sounds pretty nice, don't you think?" A gentle elbow poked me in the ribs as he joked.

I was baffled, the snark and the romantic in me battling for control of my mouth as we reached our room.

"I don't know, I'll have to ask Rosalie tomorrow evening," I managed, spotting our luggage stacked neatly in the simple, yet elegant sitting area and noting the huge bed beyond. It was an oasis of white pillows and comforters, a plush cloud in the middle of a clear, Hawaiian sunset sky. I heard the door swing shut an instant before I heard the whoosh of the shower coming on.

"You're such a fibber," he murmured, pulling me into his arms. "You liked it, or you would have yelled at him."

He was right. I _was_ a fibber. And I _had_ liked it.

_**We like being Mrs. Precious...we like it a lot.**_

**w-W-w**

"Bella…wake up." The voice was far away, like I was hearing it through water or a thick plate of glass. Mumbling what I thought was a coherent response, I curled into the fetal position and took a deep breath, pulling the comforter over my head and enjoying the soft mattress under my body. I had begun to drift off when I felt soft, warm lips ghosting up my spine, butterfly kisses touching each vertebra, causing me to arch backwards at the ticklish sensation.

Edward slid one arm underneath me and the other over the curve of my waist, linking them together just under my breasts. I sighed and began to drift off again, but the sensation of lips that felt perfect on my jaw helped to rouse me a bit.

"Wake up, Bella," he murmured, his hot breath caressing my ear and sending chills all across my skin. "It's time to rise and shine."

_What? Who the hell _says_ that? Am I waking up in 1955?_

_**We want the Precious to rise and shine.**_

Throwing one hand behind me and over his hip, I patted him in hopes that he would settle in and be my human body pillow. "Sleep." Edward nuzzled his nose into the tender curve of my neck, chuckling softly. He held on to my shoulder and pulled me to my back. "Please, don't say 'rise and shine' ever again or I'll try to hit you," I mumbled.

He laughed. "Oh, come on, Bella, that's no way to rise and shine." I halfheartedly tried to elbow him, which he easily blocked, probably without even looking.

"You're lucky I didn't know you were this annoying when I agreed to go out with you." I was not coherent enough for a conversation yet, my brain clouded with sleep and quite a bit of residual, er...randiness from the great dream I'd been having. _'Randiness?' _ _What the hell, Austin Powers? Stay out of my internal monologue._

"Carlisle used to wake us up like that on the weekends. It's just as unbearably annoying now as it was back then," he explained.

_Take that, girls. Dr. Hoo-Ha is annoying._

"Carlisle used to climb under your covers? While you were naked?" I couldn't resist. I should have.

"No, Bella!" Edward whipped the bedclothes away in retaliation, and though the patio door was open to the warm breeze, I was still very naked and very cold.

"Why are you torturing me?" I whined, trying to wiggle away from him so I could grab the blanket and go back to sleep.

"Just seeing if it works. I might need to wake unruly teenagers myself one day."

"That's not even funny. You really think about being old enough to have teenagers?"

"Not regularly, no. But I do live to annoy you, and your temperament is much the same."

"Because I haven't had any caffeine this morning, I'm unable to whip your mental ass," I grumbled. "So I'll pretend you didn't just say that. Now let's shhh. Sleep."

"Bella, Emmett's getting married tonight. We can't hide in bed all day, no matter how much I know we'd both enjoy it." His voice was soft and warm, laced with gentle laughter.

I tried to work up a good scowl, I really did. When I opened my eyes, all I could see was his wild Einstein hair and deep, verdant eyes, the combination paralyzing my facial muscles. My vision was working just fine, however, and I was rewarded with the drool-inducing view of his bare torso, leading down to a pair of very low-riding board shorts.

Those board shorts were the best part of Hawaii, hands down. Screw the beach; screw the fucking coconuts and beautiful flowers, though I hadn't really seen anything yet, since it had been dark when we'd arrived. This...this was the best view in Hawaii. Edward in board shorts was my definition of heaven, and at the moment, all I could think about was getting him out of them.

Wow, it was definitely getting warmer in here. _Yes, it's very warm..._

_**You know, those shorts would look much better on the floor… or maybe just loosened enough to set the Precious free… **_

"I ordered us some breakfast, so you'd better get out of bed if you want any. The Belgian waffles are really good…" he trailed off. My stomach let out a loud growl at the mention of yummy, fluffy carbs.

"Belgian waffles?" The girls were threatening my stomach with their boxing gloves, but my gut was insisting that it was bigger, stronger, and farther up in the hierarchy than measly ovaries. I agreed with my stomach.

"Mmmhmm." He grinned at me, sitting up and pulling me with him. "They're going to be gone soon if you don't come and eat your share." I looked around the room; but when I saw no breakfast setup, I frowned.

"You just lured me out of bed with the promise of food, but I see no food," I said, bewildered.

"It's out on the balcony," he laughed. He got up and grabbed the lightweight short robe from the closet. "Put this on. No one gets to see those boobs but me," he added, arching an eyebrow.

I snorted, stuffing my arms through the sleeves and tying the knot. Like I was going to walk outside without any clothes on! Although I couldn't rule out being so distracted by the sight of Edward's naked back that I'd start following him like he had me on a lead line.

"Well, shit, Edward. I was planning on eating my breakfast in all my naked glory so some creepy dude next door can get an eyeful. Why do you have to go and ruin all my fun?" He scowled at me, coming closer and snaking his arms around my waist.

"That will never happen. Then I'd have to kill him, and I doubt you'd like visiting me in the slammer."

I patted his cheek and made a sympathetic face. "We really can't have that… you're way too pretty for jail. You'd be Nasty Nate's bitch within five minutes." He shuddered. "Maybe the Squirrel Master will be there to protect you?" I laughed as he buried his nose in my neck, his hair tickling my cheek. "So I guess joining the nudist colony is out, huh?"

He growled and nipped my shoulder, sliding his hands under my butt and walking to the balcony door.

"If you join, then I'd have to join," he growled playfully. "I wonder how you'd feel about a bunch of other naked women ogling me…"

_**Oh, hell no! Bring us the broken beer bottles and bar stools, because we're gonna throw down! **_

_First, the cringe-worthy 'curb-stomping' comment, and now this? The girls definitely need some serious anger management counseling, but how do I go about that without looking like a loon? 'Uh, hi… my ovaries talk, and they're very angry. I think they might need therapy…'_

"Okay, no nudist colony!" I said as he deposited me next to the patio table. I put my hands on either side of his scruffy face and patted his cheeks. "This is all mine. It's swords at dawn to anyone who dares to take you away from me." My English Regency accent was horrible, and he smirked at me.

"Come on, Bella. Haven't you seen any of those documentaries on nudists' colonies? Those people are...not the most attractive in the world," he hedged.

"You mean you're not interested in seeing some dude's shiny beer belly hanging over his twig and berries? Edward, how shallow you are. For shame."

Edward laughed. "You are so gross."

"You don't want to sit next to some old lady with pendulous breasts at dinner?" I asked wickedly, gesturing appropriately ― or inappropriately, rather ― to indicate some sagging knockers.

"You can seriously talk about this and eat at the same time?" he asked, pulling his chair over next to mine, and inside, it thrilled me. I loved all the little things he did that let me know just how much he cared.

It was still fairly early, so the air was balmy and light; the sweet scent of the Hawaiian ginger that grew over the wrought-iron railing filling the air. Vacation euphoria was setting in; that feeling of having absolutely no responsibilities other than to do exactly what I wanted, and in a beautiful place to boot. The morning was perfection, and I wanted to sing like a fricking Disney princess and talk to little cartoon birds that perched right on my finger. I sighed, shaking my head a little as I tried to bring myself out of my dumbass sugar-coated fantasy land.

He placed a covered dish in front of me and grinned. "I see you already got started," I pouted, pointing at his plate.

"At first, you looked too beautiful to wake," he replied, his voice low and rich as he leaned closer to me. I couldn't resist smiling as I removed the metal cover from my plate, my cheeks heating and my heart quickening. Christ, his cheese was turning me into a living, breathing, Mary Sue from a romance novel. "But then you started snoring loud enough to wake the dead, and I started worrying the people in the next room might complain, so I decided to wake you up." He turned around and started refilling his plate from the silver-covered plates on the table as if he hadn't just royally insulted me.

_Okay. Ridiculously sappy feelings cured._

I gave him The Look as he took his seat. "Ass."

Goddamn, sexy..._ass_. He reached over to steal a piece of sausage from my plate, but I slapped his hand away.

_**We do not snore, Bella. We are ladies.**_

I almost laughed out loud at that one. They weren't ladies, they were prepubescent teenage boys.

"At least I don't hog the bed _and_ snore," I retorted. He opened his mouth to defend his horrible bed-sharing etiquette, but I covered it with my palm before he could speak. "Don't deny it, Edward. You snore. You steal the covers, and you sleep sprawled out in the middle of the bed. You're just lucky I don't mind sprawling out on top of you." Popping a strawberry in my mouth as punctuation, I waited for his response, but he simply smirked at me (as usual). I stuck my tongue out at him and we both turned back our respective plates of yummy, fattening goodness.

I plopped into his lap after finishing breakfast, leaning against his chest in satiated culinary bliss.

"Took you long enough," he joked. "This is much better. I happen to prefer it when you're sprawled out on top of me…or under me…" he trailed off, opening his mouth just below my ear. I tilted my head to the side and let him work his witchcraft, because, really, what else could I do when I had Edward Cullen sucking on my neck?

"Kind of hard to eat that way," I babbled, my filter completely disengaged from my brain.

"I bet I can prove you wrong." His voice was a low hum, and the way he moved his lips over my skin, kissing and biting slowly, quickly stole my ability to follow the conversation. _What? Does he have a food fetish? He wants to eat while we do it?_

"What are you talking about?" I managed to ask, my lips heavy and nearly slurring because I couldn't wipe the damn smile off my face ― I was on carbohydrate and Edward overload, and it was making me lethargic with bliss. "I'm done eating."

He laughed softly at my vocal stream of consciousness. Why was the fool always laughing at me, and why did I always love it? He took his time working his way down my neck, one hand tugging aside the lapel of my robe as he rubbed his lips over my collar bone. His other hand was busy too, delving underneath the hem of the thin terrycloth and covering my thigh. Higher and higher he went, until he trailed a finger between my legs.

"I'm not," he whispered hotly, dragging his mouth up to mine as he suddenly held me to his chest and stood, walking quickly through the open glass door and to the bed. He didn't stop to shut the sliding glass panel, and he never stopped kissing me, the taste of his tongue sweetened even more with the trace of maple syrup from breakfast. The world sank as he sat on the bed with me in his lap.

His hands were everywhere, untying and pushing open my robe so it fell from my shoulders, the fabric catching at my elbows because I just couldn't bring myself to let go of him. Both palms covered my breasts, slightly rough against my stiffened nipples, fingers squeezing and pulling and pinching before sliding down to my hips. Just when I thought he was going to push those hot board shorts out of the way and fuck me like I needed him to, he backed away to lie in the center of the bed, sprawled out on his back, his hair blazing against the white of the pillows. He crooked one finger and I sprang forward, ready to devour him in just about any way I could.

Shaking his head, he smirked and stopped me, placing his palms on my thighs and guiding me until I knelt over his face, that wicked mouth disappearing as he swept one long lick over my lips. He nipped hard at my inner thigh as I watched, his eyes gleaming hotly as they ran up and down my body. When he did it again, I grabbed onto the headboard so I wouldn't fall forward into the wall.

"Open wider for me." It was low and rough and definitely not a request. He gripped my hips as I did what he asked, rewarding me with long fingers digging into the flesh of my ass, holding me immobile for his mouth.

This_ is what he meant by 'eating?' I am going to die. Die! Oh, God...I can't...this position is so embarrassing and awkwa_―_Oh, holy shit, it's fucking amazing!_

His lips were everywhere, his tongue hot and wet and soft against my clit, flicking over me gently at first, then faster and harder, until my thighs were trembling with the need for release.

"Oh, God, oh, God, please," I breathed, the words coming out like a sob. Soft lips and hard teeth tugged on my swollen lips as he pulled back, my flesh slipping from his mouth with a wet sound that I shouldn't have heard over the rushing of my breath. Hot green eyes blinked up at me as one hand rubbed over my ass, his fingers trailing down from my spine, all the way over too-sensitive flesh no one had ever touched, passing lightly but not stopping. He pushed two fingers inside me, closing his eyes as his brows drew together and he moaned softly.

I held onto the headboard with white-knuckled force as he started pumping his fingers slowly, deeply, his tongue once again flicking over me. He hummed, drawing my clit into his mouth and sucking gently, the heat and pressure winding tighter and tighter low in my belly. I reached down with one shaky hand to run my fingers through his hair, trying to press myself harder against his face. The blunt edge of his teeth slid over me and I exploded, all shaking legs and burning lungs, screaming his name. When I couldn't stay upright any longer, he let me slump to the side and sat up on one elbow, his eyes on mine as he deliberately licked his lips and wiped his mouth on his forearm.

"I think that might be my favorite way to eat," he said lowly, covering my body with his.

I knew two things: one, I think I might have had another orgasm just from that alone, and two, the sliding glass door was still wide open.

* * *

_A/N:__  
__  
__Sorry for slacking on the updates. I got a severe case of FF ADD and couldn't write anything but a story I'm not posting yet. Excuses, excuses, I know. I hope to have the next chapter out soon. Thanks for all the new favorites, alerts, and reviews, and thank you for reading! Just...thanks. I love writing this story, and it's great that you all enjoy it. _

_Work in Progress has been nominated for some Giggle-Snort Awards. Nominations aren't final yet, so if you'd like to see WiP or anything else I've written on the ballot, go check out the awards site to nominate. WiP is in the running for Best Bella and Best Overall._

http://gigglesnortawards(dot)mmmboptastic(dot)com/nominate(dot)php

_I'm a judge for the Austentatious Endeavours contest at PemberleyEstate on LiveJournal. It's a contest in memory of a much-missed fandom friend, LASMKE. Please visit the link for prompts and rules. Deadline for submission is May 18th._

http://community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/pemberleyestate/2830(dot)html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

_For something else to read, try_ _**Bite to Break Skin**__ by Jillian Landers - _There is a fate for Bella Swan that is beyond everyone's control-- even Edward Cullen's, unless he can agree to allow her to be changed. But will he concede before it's too late? OOC, AU

_All I can say is I can't wait for you to read the Dr. Lustward chapter...I died. Hilarious._

_You can find the link to this fic in my favorite stories. _


	33. 33: A Dubious Neck Injury

_I don't own Twilight, 1984, LOST, or Curb Your Enthusiasm. No copyright infringement intended._

_See you at the bottom, since I took so damn long with this chapter. Any errors are mine, as wifey is recovering from vacation at the moment, and I'm impatient._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 33:** **A Dubious Neck Injury**

Rosalie Hale was my favorite person on the planet. She didn't take any of Alice's shit. If Alice had gotten her way, Rose, Esme, and I would have been buffed, massaged, and seaweed wrapped to within an inch of our lives today. She made no secret of that fact ― all day long. She was already riled up about being denied her girls' night out last night, but Rose didn't want a bachelorette party, and the delayed flight shoved any other possibilities out the window. Since Rose was the bride, we didn't do anything she didn't want to do, because you don't fuck with the bride on her wedding day. It's dangerous ― like baiting a wild animal. I remembered Renee on her wedding day to Phil, and still had occasional nightmares. She'd been wound up tighter than a tangled yo-yo, and just thinking about it made me sort of twitchy.

Rose's pre-nuptial behavior was a thousand times better. She was surprisingly laid back about the day, accepting the massage appointments Alice the control freak had already scheduled, but canceling the rest of the scrubs, waxes, and God knew what else.

I was nervous about the massage - I'd never had one. Although, I had to admit...I _was _a little sore, and I could use a little relaxation. _But do I have to be naked? I don't think I want to be naked._

We were each led to our own private room, which surprised me. I don't know why I'd thought the four of us would be getting massages, side-by-side on the beach, by hot, blonde, Swedish men. I hate it when my Carrie Bradshaw bubble is burst and I'm reminded that my life isn't actually one long, never-ending chick flick.

Actually, I couldn't say I was disappointed in this turn of events. My massage therapist was a woman, which was only a tiny bit of a letdown, since I would pay money to see Edward's face if he thought I got a massage from a guy... _Hmm, will have to file that one away for later..._ We didn't talk beyond names and questions about any "problem" areas. I kept quiet about my most "problematic" area, which happened to be rather private, but I did mention a sore lower back.

From the long flight, of course.

The massage itself was quiet, unbelievably relaxing, and nearly put me to sleep. Even the girls were lulled, like the therapist was some sort of ovary snake charmer. Though, the suspicious side of me wondered if they weren't saving their best one-liners for later, when there was better opportunity for humiliation.

-w-

Rose did end up agreeing to pedicures, and that was how we all ended up in a row of comfy chairs with our feet in warm, bubbly-bath things. Everyone was appropriately boneless, massaged, and tenderized, and we all wore sleepy smiles.

_My Life: The Chick Flick makes a grand reappearance..._

I melted back into the chair as soon as my butt touched leather, too relaxed to even make an attempt to work the remote control. Was massage intoxication possible? If I didn't know better, I'd have sworn someone spiked the iced green tea we were all drinking. Yes...the whole scene was _that_ corny. As for the massage chair, anything mechanical wouldn't compare to the real thing now.

Unfortunately, my inner thighs were still quite sore, and I winced when I had to lift a foot out of the tub so the technician could begin. Alice was vigilant as a hawk and had the vision of one, too. She never missed anything.

Damn her.

"What's wrong, Bella? Did you pull a muscle? Jasper and I heard you and Edward working out this morning," she said nonchalantly, arching one perfectly waxed brow. _Bitch. Well, at least now Edward and I know Alice and Jasper's room is somewhere near ours. _We'd have to enter Stealth mode if we wanted to keep from getting cock-blocked.

I was very aware that Edward's mother was within five feet of me, and I certainly didn't want _her_ to know the real reason I was acting as if I'd been maxing out on the inner thigh machine at the gym.

"Yoga," I blurted. "Too much Frog that workout."

**Right, Bella, because thinking about yoga poses makes you blush.**

Okay, so add a little cowgirl...and God bless the showers in this fine establishment ― there was a bench! A _bench!_ I'd heard of hot yoga classes...though I didn't think that version was as X-rated. And not nearly as fun. Alice and Rose were snickering their little asses off, their sharp, beady little eyes missing nothing. _Yes, cackle while you can, you little magpies..._

"Oh, Carlisle rather enjoys it when he catches me in that pose," Esme said with a giggle.

Rose and Alice immediately snapped their mouths shut, their laughter stopping like someone scratching a record. Horror flashed across their faces, and I thought Alice might have thrown up in her mouth a little bit. The nail techs gave each other looks, all raised eyebrows and giggles.

"What? He says it shows I still have good bone density. It's important to maintain strength in your pelvis and hips. Strong bones and flexibility are both very important as you age," Esme said primly.

Then I saw it. She winked at me. Lord, the whole situation was uncomfortable, but I very much enjoyed watching Rose and Alice muddle their way through it. Eventually, though, I decided to rescue them...sort of.

"Hey Rose? Have you gotten any interesting wedding gifts yet?" I started with the intention of trying to begin a legitimate conversation. But I couldn't resist getting in a jab regarding Rose's crazy ex. "Anything from Couch-Jumper Cruise?"

"Wait," Alice said excitedly. "I know, he sent you two an autographed Blu-Ray of _Jerry Maguire_!"

I burst out laughing at Rose's expression. It was a glare straight out of a soap opera ― all righteous indignation and laser-guided death. I could just picture the close-up. Alice deserved a high-five for that gem of a one-liner.

"Nice one, Alice."

"Screw you two," Rose griped. "We _did_ get something from Tom and Katie, in fact. A week in the Maldives, where they honeymooned." _Wow. That did sound nice. Though..._

"Rose, do you think you'd get the same room?" I asked innocently, unable to keep myself from stirring the pot.

"Oh, please, Bella. Who cares? And they're not just 'rooms.' They're private huts on stilts in the ocean." She relaxed back into the headrest, obviously finished with the subject.

"Do the huts have air conditioning?" Alice asked with a frown. "How would they get electricity out in the water?"

"I hope they use bleach on those sheets," Esme muttered, turning back to her magazine. I grinned as she quickly became absorbed, her brows rising in appreciation as she came across a nice picture of some young, shirtless wonder.

Rose told everyone to shut up after that, and we did as we were told ― because you don't mess with the bride on her big day.

-w-

My toenails were fuchsia. Pink...hot pink. The sort of pink I'd never pick back at home, but it had a neat blue iridescent sheen that I really liked. It fit with the island somehow, and contrasted nicely with my lightly tanned toes.

We'd spent the rest of the afternoon in the sun, which turned out to be perfect for me. I actually looked healthy and had a tiny bit of color on my legs, back, and arms. Not my face, though ― I had bought a ridiculously expensive floppy hat at the hotel gift shop, but it was worth every penny in preventing future wrinkles. Plus, every time I didn't wear a hat outside, I ended up with a majorly burnt scalp wherever my hair had been parted that day. And let's just say it's not very attractive when that kind of sunburn gets to the peeling stage.

I was grinning ear to ear by the time we were waiting for the wedding to get started, and so was everyone else. I'd never heard of such a relaxing wedding day, but I was already a huge fan.

_This is what I want when I marry Edward._

_**Yes, Bella! When can we do this? Can it be soon?**_

_Oh, shit...shut up!_

Every time I peeked at Edward from behind the tall guy sitting in the front row, he was watching me. It was so obvious that my human shield turned around to smirk at me.

"I knew it was too good to be true!" he said in an effeminate voice. "I'm Dimitri, the Groom's second cousin."

"Hi, I'm Bella," I whispered back, because this guy was way too loud. "What's too good to be true?"

"For a minute there, I thought Edward ― that's the Best Man ― was giving me the sex eyes!" he said, wide eyed, and I swear to God, he made the jazz hands movement! "But he was looking at you, wasn't he?" He looked so dejected, and I had to cover my mouth to hide my smile for a second.

"He's my boyfriend," I answered, barely stifling a giggle...this guy was a riot. I could hear Jasper snickering beside me.

"Girl, let me tell you," Dimitri said, and I was disappointed when he didn't snap or anything, "you are one _lucky_ woman. That man is on fire."

"He's your cousin," I blurted with a little laugh. Really...it was just wrong.

"They're all adopted! Fair game. Ever heard of 'kissing cousins?" he said with a little smirk before turning to face the front. The music began and I gave Jasper a little side glance. Both of us were trying really hard not to laugh, because if Rose or Emmett caught us laughing it up like a couple of bored teens in church, we were dead meat.

During the wedding ceremony, I stared at my toenails as I sat in between Jasper and ancient Uncle Alastair in the second ― and last ― row of white wooden chairs on the private beach. I had to find something else to focus on other than the man standing up for his brother right in front of me, because any time I looked at him, the girls would start sighing about how that could be _us_ up there someday. Though I was afraid that "someday" might mean "next month" in Girlspeak.

_Oh, my God...did I just make up a language? Who do I think I am? George Orwell? My illusions of grandeur know no bounds. Now I'm comparing my life to _1984._ The girls are Big Brother... Where's my Victory Gin?_

As Rose and Emmett were pronounced man and wife, the sun finally dipped below the horizon, completing the picture perfect, brochure-worthy wedding scene. It was one of those sunsets that seemed to hang forever, the gloaming enveloping the whole beach in a muted glow that softened the colorful surroundings. The sun melted into the indigo sea in one brief blaze of red that bled into a sky of glowing orange and yellow.

The fading light lit up Edward's hair like a torch, illuminating him from behind like some sort of natural yet cheesy seraphic cinematography. The girls and I were completely entranced, and then the instant was over, the light gone, and I saw that Edward was watching me too as he led Alice away from the altar. I wanted to smack myself when I caught my thoughts turning soft and disgusting, dreaming of Edward and me standing in front of our own sunset..._wait a minute, is that a lei I'm wearing? And I'm barefoot? How trite and adorable..._

Fortunately, it was time to head back toward the hotel. Jasper pulled me out into the makeshift aisle as soon as the pastor passed, and we went straight to the torch-lit patio reserved for the small reception. Edward and Alice were waiting for us just behind a dance floor that looked entirely too shiny and slick to be safe.

"Thanks for keeping the natives away from her, Jas," Edward joked as the two men exchanged Alice and me like it was some sort of business transaction.

"The natives weren't the problem. Had a helluva time keeping your creepy uncle Alastair away from her," Jasper replied, egging him on.

"You be quiet, Jasper! He was very nice to me," I said, glaring at him.

"Bella, I hate to break it to you," Alice began, "but Uncle Alastair_ is_ a huge perv. He was probably trying to peek down your dress the whole time."

"He was," Jasper said flatly. "I saw. I haven't seen him so impressed with someone's rack since he met Rosalie." I just stared, my mouth open as I tried not to be proud that Uncle Alastair considered my 'rack' on par with Rose's.

The girls really didn't like all the attention my boobs got, and it was best not to get them riled up.

"They're much better than Rose's," Edward commented lowly, waggling his eyebrows at me.

"And how would you know?" I shot back with a quick smile, trying to keep my voice down.

"Well, I don't for sure, but I see the Twins all the time ― call it an educated guess. Motorboat buddies, remember?"

"Edward, you're not allowed to talk about the motorboat in public. We might have to sell it if people find out we have one," I said softly, so only he could hear. I made sure my tone was icier than one of those Hawaiian tropical snowcone things I was fond of. Raising an eyebrow, I pulled back with a smile. "And please, don't name them."

His only reply was one of those killer grins, and I knew we were both at the top of our game tonight.

-w-

Rose and Emmett didn't mess around when it came to getting the traditional wedding stuff out of the way, so it seemed like only seconds had passed before Edward was leaving my side to toast the newly married couple.

"For a kid who spent most of his formative years as an only child, ending up with Emmett as a big brother was quite a surprise," he started confidently, and I had to smile at his utter lack of fear at public speaking. It was just one of the many reasons he was amazing.

"You could have made it pretty hard on me back then, but you didn't. You could have beat the shit out of me daily―" everyone laughed at this, because they all knew Emmett could still beat the crap out of him, "―but you didn't. You watched my back and became not only my brother, but my best friend.

"So when Emmett brought Rose home to meet everyone, I knew right away she was the one for him. Why, you ask? Because the first time I ever laid eyes on our fair Rosalie, she was punching my giant brother in the gut, and he actually winced in pain."

"That's when I fell in love with her," Emmett interrupted, giving Rose a big, smacking kiss on the cheek and earning a round of laughter.

Edward continued, "Rose, thanks for agreeing to marry this ass, because you're the only one who can put up with him. I put the keys to his cage in your wedding gift." And then he was done, heading back toward me with a grin. He leaned in to kiss me as he returned, which turned into more than just a peck. Everyone was apparently still watching the doctor turned stand-up comedian, because there were several cat-calls and whistles. I swear one of them was from Uncle Alastair. Jasper was right!

Most of the official wedding events went quickly, toasts and cake cutting over before I knew it, and Rose and Emmett were taking the dance floor for the first time as a married couple.

Edward touched my hand on the table and leaned in. "I don't know about the you, but I'm starving." He held out his arm, making a big show, smirking all the while. "Shall we?"

"We shall," I answered, giving him a silly look as I rose and put my hand on his arm like we were some old-fashioned couple. "Such a gentleman. If they only knew how well you hide the pervert inside." I hit him with my hip as we walked, looking up at him with a little smile. He hooked an arm around my shoulders in response, keeping me from messing around as he came close and put his lips just above my ear.

"Takes one to know one, Biff," he murmured, grazing my cheek in a sweet kiss before he pulled away and started walking again, taking me with him. That deadly, beautiful smile was back, and it was just like feeling the effects of the tractor beam for the first time all over again. The undercurrents here were thick and dangerous, charged and entirely too tempting. I had to make myself look away before I made a sappy fool of myself and started crying happy tears and reciting dramatic poetry for him.

Thankfully, it wasn't too long before we reached the crowded end of the terrace, where a huge expanse of food and drink awaited the guests. Heavy hors d'oeuvres filled a long, curved table that was somehow shaped like a wavy line; the linen tablecloth studded with artsy plate after artsy plate, filled with all kinds of yummy things. Staff dressed in nondescript black moved about the patio, making sure everyone was taken care of and passing out additional goodies amongst the mingling guests.

"The wedding was sweet," I said, clearing my throat, trying to do anything I could to fight off the Edward fog.

"It _was_ nice, wasn't it? I think it turned out exactly like Rose and Emmett wanted."

"That's what's important... Rose was great today ― no nerves or anything. I think _I _was more nervous than she was." Because I couldn't keep from fidgeting, I grabbed a small plate and handed it to him before taking one of my own. He just watched me, following close behind, making his own selections and giving me some kind of imperceptible, evil, sexy, distracting look that made me either want to dump my food all over his head or kiss him silly.

"See something you want?" His tone was low and gravelly and we both knew he wasn't talking about the food. Too bad we couldn't just disappear and leave the rest of the guests to tie one on while Edward pulled every single thread _off_ of me... Again, I was alarmed that some of my more risque thoughts weren't coming from the girls tonight. A strong sense of doom hung over me when I realized that this was just one more confirmation that the girls and I were joining into one Edward-crazy, perverted hive-mind. I didn't answer him until we reached the end of the spread, and even then, it wasn't an answer to his question.

"Hey, wait a minute ― where's the poi? And shouldn't there be a roast pig somewhere? This _is_ Emmett's wedding reception."

Not missing a beat, Edward grinned, pointing toward the beach. "They probably haven't dug it up yet. Emmett wanted to help."

"You know, I can totally picture that," I said thoughtfully as he led me to one of the scattered high-top cocktail tables in one corner of the terrace.

He laughed. "Me too. I was kidding, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me if he really was out there digging up an entire roast pig."

"I didn't start calling him Meat Sweats for nothing..." I grinned at the warm feeling in my belly when Edward helped me get seated, only a little embarrassed that I totally got off on that gentlemanly crap. It did something for me, satisfied some inner Donna Reed that lurked deep inside and only existed to thwart the independent, modern girl that tried to control the show.

_**Bella, stop this thinking stuff. You're making us think you've got Kelly Clarkson and a Fifties housewife battling for control in here. **_

_Well, shit...when they put it that way, I sound like a complete nutjob. _

"So, tell me what you did today," I said, eager to hear how the male Cullens had spent their day.

He leaned forward over the table, which made me lean in, because I was really tired of resisting the tractor beam. We probably looked like two dogs sharing a piece of spaghetti. Except for the whole _dogs_ part. _Jesus...I really am insane._

"Well, after this morning―" the bastard licked his lips and smirked at me, and I suddenly felt the need to guzzle water in massive quantities "―I was pretty tired."

_Is it getting hot in here?_ My knuckles bumped carelessly against my glass as I reached for it, and Edward had to save me with his hot little hand, which I couldn't bring myself to release. I even went so far as to take my drink with the other hand, trying not to guzzle it like I'd been without water for days.

_Did I say 'hot little hand?'_ _ Yeah, the word 'little' was a mistake_.

"Everyone kicked my ass at golf. It sucked." He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, twisting his head around like he was trying to work out a kink.

"Awww, poor baby," I cooed, hooking a foot through the rungs underneath his seat. "Did you hurt yourself hitting the links?"

"Golf?" he laughed, giving me a smoldering look. It didn't quite fit with the conversation, in my mind, because golf isn't exactly the sexiest sport in the world. "No, golf doesn't make your neck hurt like this." He stopped his impromptu self massage and stretched one last time, looking like he felt a little bit better.

"Well, what does? Did you guys do anything else besides play? It takes a while, to go eighteen holes, right? And we didn't get going until after noon..."

Edward raised an eyebrow at me, tightening his fingers on mine. "There's only one thing that's worth getting a neck injury for," he said slyly, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand. It finally dawned upon me what he was insinuating.

"Oh, so it's _my_ fault? Are you kidding me? Do you think you're Larry David?"

"What? It's true!" he insisted, before lowering his voice. "My neck _does_ hurt, you know."

"_That_ doesn't cause neck injuries!" I whispered quickly, terrified someone was going to catch the wrong end of this conversation.

"'There are only two ways to injure your neck ― a car accident or cunnilingus,'" he teased, in a pretty good LD imitation. I was about ready to deny him that pleasure for the rest of his life, but then I'd just be punishing myself. "Hey, at least I'm not joking about the episode where he spent all day with the hair stuck in his throat."

"Please, no! No more! I can't even...just thinking of Larry David...doing _that..._it's disgusting."

"You're not supposed to be thinking about him doing it."

"Well, I can't think about _you_ doing it!"

"Why not?" he prodded, his eyes shining.

"Stop it!" I jumped up to stand in front of him, pinching his lips shut between my thumb and forefinger. He grinned under my fingers, and I let him go.

"Did you not like it?" he asked softly, laying it on a little thick, blinking those eyelashes and smirking at me in the way that made my legs want to melt out from underneath me. "I liked it." He stood, putting his whole frame in close contact with mine.

"So did I...that's why I can't think about it," I admitted sheepishly. "It uh...yeah, I really can't think about it in public."

His arms came around my back as he started backing me toward the dance floor, and it became apparent that Edward really shouldn't have been thinking about it in public, either.

"Okay, mister, if you're going to make me dance, let's keep it clean. This is a family gig."

"Don't worry; I won't make you dance for long. Though come to think of it, I doubt that dancing with you is going to help my situation."

I laughed, putting my arms around his neck as we reached the dance floor. "You'd better not let go. This floor looks practically oiled."

"That's not going to be a problem. Trust me," he said, and his voice was warm and happy as he smiled down at me.

-w-

He didn't let me go until Carlisle came to cut in sometime later. I was surprised to realize Edward had managed to keep me dancing for most of the night, and I didn't really even mind. My eyes followed him as he whirled away with Esme in his arms, feeling a little lost.

"You look very pretty tonight, Bella. I think the tropics agree with you," Carlisle said smoothly, and I literally felt the girls rear their tiny little heads, like cobras responding to a snake charmer's tune.

_Oh, no_. _Well, that takes care of the 'lost' feeling._ Actually, they still inspired a 'lost' feeling, but in the television _LOST_ kind of way. I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself ― I had to be on my toes, because the girls were close enough to Dr. Hoo-ha to smell him, and I was afraid.

_Show no weakness, Bella_. _Don't let them beat you._ "Thank you, Carlisle. You look very well tonight yourself." There! That was perfectly pleasant and normal.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" he asked, his voice completely different from Edward's, but there was a rhythm to his words that was familiar. Despite their lack of shared genes, Carlisle and Edward were very similar, both of them sharing the same strengths.

_**So polite, Dr. Hoo-Ha. Please, we'd love to have your babies.**__  
__  
__You'll have to settle for his grand-babies, you little twits. __  
__  
__Are they stupid? Carlisle and Esme don't have any biological children of their own._ One of them was shooting blanks, and it could have been Big Daddy C. himself.

"I am, thank you. It's so nice to be a part of something this much fun." Clamping my lips shut, I cast my eyes to where Edward and Esme were beaming at each other as they imitated Fred and Ginger on the other side of the room. "Do you know how to dance like that?"

"Shouldn't you be asking my son to teach you?" he teased, winking at me. The girls melted like molten lava, bowing to Pele in their Hula skirts.

"Oh, I'm not asking you to teach me," I rushed out, glad for the darkness so he couldn't see my tomato-face.

He laughed good-naturedly, and he really was so much like Edward. This man had been a very good influence in his life, and I was grateful for it. So much that when Carlisle asked the question I'd been dreading, I didn't hesitate to answer him honestly.

"I'm looking for another job. My hours have been cut way back, and I promise you, I'd never do anything to jeopardize Edward's sobriety.

"I have a job interview later this month. Writing copy for a website that sells geeky toys. I really think I have a good shot at getting it, and then I can quit bartending." Eventually, I quieted, since my word vomit didn't seem to be impressing him.

He was silent for a long time, his stare stern and icy blue. I felt more like I was being assessed than I ever had before.

"Bella," he said, his tone serious, but it was softened by his smile. "I trust my son's judgment. It's been a lot of work for him to reach his potential, but he's done it."

_That's a good thing, right?_ Confused, I took a breath to respond, but he cut me off. "However, the fact that you're willing to discuss this with me only reaffirms my belief that you're perfect for him."

Whatever I'd been planning to say just flew right out of my head. "Thanks?"

I think he could tell I was at a loss. "So, tell me about these geeky toys. I need some stuff for my office at work."

Oh, this was so much better. "Well, I do remember seeing plush toys shaped like the different organisms that cause STIs," I said, smirking at him.

Carlisle pretended to look shocked. "Why, Bella, that's the sort of thing you think I need on display in a place where I do patient consultations?"

"Think of it as a 'scared straight' sort of thing?"

He laughed loudly, and his smile was just a tiny bit knee-melting. The girls were in full swoon. "What are you going to offer me next, stuffed animal versions of sperm and eggs?"

_Oh, God...I'm positive one of the girls just died, and the other one had to use the defibrillator paddles to bring her back.__  
__  
_I was so busy worrying about the girls that I forgot to monitor what was coming out of my mouth. "Hey, I think outside the box."

_Shit. Fuck. Holy horrible pun, Batman. Please, kill me now._

Either Carlisle's mind didn't make the leap into the gutter or he decided to spare me, because he didn't comment further on that topic, other than dosing me with the smirk that was impossibly like his son's. Soon, Edward and Esme rejoined us and I was back in Edward's arms, somehow tricked into continuing to dance.

"I saw you cracking my dad up. What were you telling him?" The music changed to a slow, syncopated rhythm that seemed to set a darker, more intimate tone on the dance floor. Thank goodness the girls weren't near Carlisle for this song.

_**We'll just take the Precious, NOW, please.**_

_I wonder if it's socially acceptable to leave yet?__  
_  
"I was telling him about the stuffed microbes on ThinkGeek."

"Let me guess...the sexually transmitted infections?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I know both of you," he said, laughing at me. I was actually having a great time dancing ― the way he kept me talking, focusing all his attention on me, was really flattering.

"Well, I did make a comment about 'thinking outside the box.'"

Edward groaned and pulled me closer, resting his chin on the top of my head. "Enough of that talk. Stop flirting with my dad...you're mine."

"Oooga-booga, caveman. If you're going to talk the talk, you better be prepared to show me your club," I quipped as I grinned into his chest, knowing I was driving him nuts.

"I'll show you my club anytime," he retorted playfully, and I couldn't quite hide the snort that escaped me.

"Promises, promises," I teased, giggling when he pressed a hand low on my back.

"I always keep my promises," he said like the suave little shit he was, and of course, I ate it up. Why wouldn't I, when his club ― er, the Precious ― was so obvious through the thin fabric of my dress? And his pants, of course. _I _would_ like to get him naked..._

Though, he looked great in khaki. By khaki, I meant _everything._ The wedding had been surprisingly laid back, with only Emmett and Rose dressed in serious wedding-wear. Alice looked adorable in a dress she picked out herself, a pretty little strapless number in tiny red stripes that were indistinguishable from a distance.

Edward was delicious in his white linen shirt, and who gave a shit if linen wrinkled like a bitch, because it looked amazing draped over his shoulders and rolled up at his forearms. His boutonniere was a single red rose that matched Rose's bouquet. I wore a comfortable jersey sundress in a navy so dark it was black at this time of night.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?" he asked, pulling back to look at me.

I smiled. "Several times. But I could stand to hear it again."

Before I knew it, Mr. Smooth had danced me right off the floor and was steering me toward the darkness at the edge of the torchlights. We finally stopped in the courtyard, somewhere in the maze of hibiscus. The hotel was obviously conspiring against me by leaving convenient little benches throughout the gardens, which Edward took full advantage of. He found one hidden in an alcove of fragrant flowers and leaves and tugged me down sideways onto his lap.

It was all so perfect...sickening, really. I wanted to ridicule myself, but I was too busy being dazzled to bother.

"You know they're going to wonder where we are," I whispered. It just seemed like I shouldn't speak too loudly...it was so quiet here, and I could hear little above the quiet roar of the ocean. "You know they'll be looking for us when it's time to do that bouquet and garter shit."

"Let them wonder," he said with a wicked smile, leaning toward me.

"Come on, let's go somewhere where they can't get us." Now was the time to put my foot down concerning some of his risky, dangerous...fun...fucking sexy games... _What?_

"Let them find us." Now he was laughing.

"Stop it, Edward. Either we disappear altogether or we make ourselves go back in ten minutes."

"Fifteen." His thumbs were moving lightly at my waist and they were impairing my ability to think.

"Okay, fifteen," I sighed, giving in. He lowered his mouth to mine and I linked my hands behind his neck, parting my lips automatically. It was our first time truly alone since this morning, and we were both pretty desperate to reconnect. His familiar hum against my lips still sent chills down my spine just like always, making me fight to get closer to him as I met his tongue with mine.

After a few minutes, he pulled back with a smile. "When you kiss me like that, it really makes me want to put my hands up your dress," he admitted.

I laughed and rested my head on his shoulder. "Aww, Edward...when your words are so romantic, it makes me want to let you get your hands under there."

"Great." Immediately, he went for the knee-length hem while I squirmed on his lap, trying to keep him away. "Be quiet, Bella," he whispered. "Someone will hear." I had no idea it was possible to have such a smug whisper, but he did.

"You are _so_ hilarious," I said flatly, when we eventually settled down.

"I learned it from you." He blinked innocently and threw me a miniature version of my favorite smile.

I patted his cheek. "I must be a terrible teacher," I teased. He pinched my ass, which I secretly enjoyed. I couldn't deny him the requisite squeak, though. Nothing was worth missing that grin.

The quiet was so nice, and despite the humidity, the evening was very pleasant. I relaxed back against him for a while, but Edward was fidgety, messing around in his pockets. He couldn't seem to sit still.

"What are you looking for?" I asked curiously, because he was usually not the squirmy, jumpy type.

"Nothing," he replied instantly, and I knew something was off, but he didn't seem too perturbed, so I let it go. "Just have too much stuff in my pockets. Emmett kept giving me shit to keep for him all day long."

"Oooh, did he give you any money?"

He laughed, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "No, unfortunately not. Valet receipts, a golf score card, and one of those tiny pencils, yes."

"The little pencil could come in handy," I said. "You know, it's a pretty efficient small weapon."

"What?" He pulled back to look at me, his brows high in amusement. "You are so weird."

"My father is a police chief. How normal can you expect me to be?"

"Good point."

"Besides, you like me not normal," I pointed out.

"No, I don't like you not normal," he returned, and I frowned darkly at him, ready to go for a nipple twist or an elbow to the gut. "I _love_ you not normal. I love _you_."

"I love you, too," I said, smiling shakily. I still kind of wanted to smack him, but he was so damn sweet even while being an A-hole. "There you go saying those romantic things, Cullen. Still wanna put your hands up my dress?"

"Always." He grinned, waggling his eyebrows as he pulled me in for another kiss, and though I'd joked about his wandering hands, he kept it fairly PG-13.

"Are you ready to get up early tomorrow?" he asked, as we made our way back to the reception. "I have plans for us."

"Yeah?" I asked, excited just thinking about a chance to really get out and explore the island.

"We're going to drive about fifty miles up the coast, to a town called Hana. There are lots of stopping points on the way, so we can hike around," he said, grinning like a little kid. Hiking was not my friend, but it was nice to have Edward following me around and catching me all the time, so I could deal. Plus, this place was tropical. _Maui is covered in rainforest, and there might be waterfalls..._

_**And the Precious! And sex!**_

Oh, yes, there would be sex. Lots of it, I hoped.

I did not catch the bouquet ― much to everyone else's chagrin, and my humiliation. For the record, I wasn't trying to catch it. I was trying to avoid it at all costs, but everyone kept pushing me to the front. I was about to start elbowing and stomping feet when the bouquet hit me in the face.

All Edward did was laugh and say I was lucky it was the flower end, or I might have lost an eye.

_God, I love that jerk._

-w-_  
_

_

* * *

_

_A/N:__  
__  
__...waterfalls and the Precious and sex, oh, my! We're coming to the end, my friends...I'd say seven more chapters or less. _

_The 'sex neck injury' bit comes from Curb Your Enthusiasm ― Episode 8 of the 2009 season. None of it belongs to me, obviously. _

_WiP has been nominated for two Giggle Snort Awards - Best Bella and Best Overall...I don't want to lose. I REALLY don't want to lose. I really, really, REALLY don't want to lose. Show some love for the girls and their Precious? That's all I'm going to say. Voting ends June 4th...start creating your sock accounts, people. Yes, I expect you all to lie, cheat, and steal to get me what I want. No, I kid, I kid. (Did anyone else hear Triumph the Insult Comic Dog?)_

_Have I mentioned I REALLY don't want to lose? Come on...I'm up against some giants. Start a grassroots movement...paint some propaganda posters and shit. I'll do something for you guys if I win. At the moment I have nothing, but at least I'm up front about it, right? _

_So...go vote? Please? http:/gigglesnortawards(dot)mmmboptastic(dot)com/vote(dot)php_

_/ shameless begging. Sorry._

_Thanks to everyone who reads, PMs, or reviews. I'm incommunicado most of the time (because I'm lazy and read almost everything on my phone and it's a bitch to reply on that thing), but I love you all, as much as you love the Precious._

_P.S. - To the awesome person((s?) people?) who nominated me for those awards, let me know, so I can thank you!_


	34. Manbots and Making Out

_I don't own Twilight. Or Fembots._

_Well, hello there...another chapter so soon? Yes! You all seem to think Edward's got a ring in his pocket! What, can't he just be happy to see her?_

_Love, kisses, and yummy baked goods to my wifey, EchoesOfTwilight, for being my betafishy __and helping me pick out awesome titles._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 34 :** **Manbots and Making Out **

Late the next morning, Edward and I packed a huge sack full of towels, extra clothes, and various toiletries that my adorable neat freak tossed at me in Ziploc bags. I was afraid to check for labels. _Wasn't that what the chick in the first Austin Powers movie did? Vanessa, the one who ended up being a Fembot?_

The mental picture of a shirtless Edward with machine-gun nipples was just too much. I bit the inside of my cheek to suppress my grin as I adjusted the halter tie of my bathing suit underneath the cami I wore. After securing my hair in a low ponytail, I fixed my new hat in place, catching him smirking at me.

"What are you giving me the eye for?" I asked cautiously, because he looked far from innocent as he tossed a bottle of sunblock in the tote bag before grabbing it and holding out a hand to me as I grabbed our empty backpack and slung it over my shoulder. We'd fill it with what we needed when we reached the trailhead.

"I wanted to know what you were thinking about," he admitted, not moving toward the door. "You looked like something was entertaining you."

I laughed, squeezing his hand. "You really want to know?"

"Always."

"You and machine-gun boobs. Fembots." I even made a gun motion in front of my chest with my free hand.

_**Idiot.**_

_Yes, girls...I'm aware of the fact that I'm incredibly lame._

"What? Were you wishing you had them?" He laughed and finally started toward the door.

"No, I was imagining you as a...Manbot, I guess...because I wondered if you labeled your Ziploc bags as you were tossing them at me..." I rambled, trailing off because he was opening the door to our room, but for some reason, he felt the need to back me up against the entryway as he did so, chuckling right in my face. He smelled of toothpaste and coconut from the sunscreen we'd slathered on before getting ready.

_Mmmm. Tropical-flavored Edward. Nice._

"And that, my love, is why I'll always want to know what you're thinking." He dropped a quick kiss on my lips and tugged me out the door, forcing me to follow him down the hall to the bank of elevators.

"Did we remember the keycard? I can't find mine," I said, starting to pat every pocket I had, which happened to be quite a few, since I was wearing cargo shorts.

"Right here," he said easily, holding up the plastic card. It then went right back into his waterproof travel wallet that fit easily in one of his zippered pockets.

"Soccer mom," I taunted in a soft voice, bumping him with my hip. The elevator car arrived and I stepped inside, turning just in time to see him smirk and shake his head.

Outside, James brought our car around, giving me his best smile and angling for that tip. Edward eyed him dubiously as they exchanged keys, but the valet wouldn't stop looking at me as he brushed past and hurried to open my door.

"Where are you all headed today?" he asked with that megawatt, head-shot smile. "Can I offer you any directions?"

"No thanks," Edward said brusquely, leaning over me as he grabbed the door and shut it on the unsuspecting valet.

"In a hurry?" I laughed as he gunned the car, not even stopping to put the top down.

"That jerk was looking at the Twins," he muttered, taking a corner too fast and getting honked at by an elderly man driving a minivan.

"Edward, come on. You think I'd be interested in that creep? He's got a Ken doll smile. Plastic and fake."

_**And he parks cars for a living, Bella.**_

_Now girls, we shouldn't be judgmental. Maybe James has a degree, but took the job simply for the location. _

Really, who cared, when I had Edward?

After a few blocks, his driving had calmed, and so had his frame, his hands no longer clenching the wheel so tightly. He pulled over another few blocks later, where we put the top down and got a couple of waters from the picnic cooler the hotel had packed for us. Gratefully, I took the cold bottle, taking a long drink. This swanky shit was really something I could get used to.

I shifted in my seat as we got back on the road, cursing the combination of hot sun, greasy sunblock, shorts, and leather seats. Putting my hiking boot encased feet on the dash was the perfect solution to my problem, and I sighed in contentment as we cut across the island on the Mokulele Highway. I cracked an eye open, catching Edward scowling at my booted feet.

"Watch the road, Cullen."

"But, your feet―"

"It's a rental, Buttercup. At least they're clean right now. We haven't hiked yet."

He sighed. "Okay." His tone was grudging, and I could tell by that alone that he was pouting, but I was too relaxed to care. That was something, considering the anxiety I usually felt when Edward was driving. I gazed out at the pineapple fields, the vivid green blanketing the open land. Mount Haleakala loomed in the distance, adding even more beauty to the already postcard-perfect scene. Really, how many beautiful features of nature did you need in one place? Beaches, blue skies, rainforest, ocean waves, _and_ a mountain? It was overkill. Perfect, lovely, amazing overkill, and I was right in the middle of it...with Edward.

_My life is awesome._

-w-

What started out as a peaceful drive filled with beautiful scenery was actually a trip in a deathtrap on the road from Hades. The only thing that made the trip worth it was the aforementioned scenery ― and being with Edward, of course. The ocean was a rippled, glassy expanse of a million shades of green and blue, complimenting the bright sky that peeked through puffy cumulus clouds. The sun shone off and on, but it had yet to rain. The brochure from the hotel said to expect sudden showers, as we were driving through actual rainforest.

Edward had neglected to tell me that this "Hana Highway" ― notice that "Hana" and "Hell" both begin with the same letter and are four letter words ― had over 600 curves and fifty-four precarious-looking bridges. We were only about a third of the way there, and I was afraid I'd end up with permanent arthritis from white-knuckling it every time it was Edward's turn to drive.

_**Bella?**_

Christ, even the girls sounded sick.

_**Our eggs are getting scrambled down here. **_

Poor girls...with all the curves, I wondered when my stomach would start to feel unsettled. But so far, so good, and it was finally time to pull over and switch.

The only caveat was that switching meant hiking beforehand. My boots ― and legs, and arms ― were definitely getting a workout today. In spite of all the physical activity, I was having the time of my life. We were taking tons of pictures, even being silly and asking others to take pictures of us doing gawky, touristy things like posing and pointing at banana trees.

I loved hiking over the dirt trails with Edward, whose help made it easy to navigate the landscape. Maybe it was because it seemed like he used every excuse he got to touch me, whether it was helping me down from a large rock or lifting me over a slippery patch.I cannot tell a lie_, _his Bear Grylls-ness really turned me on.

"So you think we'll see some falls this time?" I asked, out of breath as we hiked up a pretty good incline. Edward kept a tight hold on my hand as we went, for which I was intensely thankful.

"I hope so. There's supposed to be a pool fed by a waterfall about a mile further down the trail," he said, looking at the map as he towed me along.

"Why are we taking the hard trails again?" _Crap...am I whining?_

_**Yes, you're whining, Bella. Stop it.**_

"Theoretically, harder trails mean less people," he answered as we reached a flat spot in the trail, just under the shade of some type of tropical tree. Stopping at the edge of the path, he pulled me close for a hug, making it even harder for me to catch my breath. One of his hands drifted down my back, stopping just _this_ short of blatantly resting his palm on my ass. The other tugged my hat back so he could get past the floppy brim.

_Oh, he wants to be alone...I'm very okay with this._

Despite my huffing and puffing, he covered my lips with his, nibbling at my mouth until I let him in. After a few moments of this, I was still panting, but it was for an entirely different reason and he was now just as out of breath as I was. He tasted so good, like cool, clean water, and the warm slide of his tongue against mine was heaven. His hand found its way under the hem of my shirt, and his fingertips played at my spine. I pulled back, laughing as he hit a ticklish spot.

"Don't! I'm all sweaty." I yelped.

"So?" he taunted, raising an eyebrow at me, refusing to let me go.

"And it tickles."

"That's what I thought."

I kissed that damn smirk right off his face, and then walked away, repositioning my hat as I went. I actually had to stop and turn around a few yards ahead on the trail.

"Are you coming?" I called, making sure my voice was full of innuendo. Devil Bella cackled as she perched on my shoulder, patting me on the back for a job well done.

"Just you wait, Bella," he threatened with a smile on his face. When he reached me, he proceeded to help me along the trail as if we hadn't just made out like a couple of teenagers a few minutes before. I couldn't help but grin as I followed, enjoying the way my lips still tingled...as did other places. _This hiking stuff is okay_, I thought to myself. _I just need the right_...incentive.

The trail was rough. I could feel almost every step in my nipples as we hiked the remaining mile, and Edward didn't fail to notice. His every touch let me know just how much he noticed ― and appreciated ― the view. We reached a good-sized stream that was about five feet wide, but fell in a short waterfall to a deep pool about twenty-five feet in diameter. The pool was clear and formed from a deep gouge in the volcanic rock.

I was in awe. The little swimming hole was dappled with sunlight that shone through the canopy, and the shadows of little fish flitted at the edges of the pool.

"Can we go down there?" I begged. "Please?" It was hot, I was tired, and I wanted nothing more than to strip down to my bikini and dive into that water with Edward.

"You want to go for a swim?" He gestured toward the pool. "Want me to see if it's deep enough for you to jump? It looks like it might be."

I blinked, looking over at the sheer rock that bordered the calm end of the pool. It would probably be easier to jump than climb down... Finally, I met his green eyes, that color that was echoed by the leaves all around us, and they glinted with a mischievous light.

"Chicken?" he teased. "Don't worry; I'll catch you." Then he was off, easily navigating the climb down, taking the backpack and his helping hands with him. _Crap! What have I gotten myself into? This is slightly terrifying. Then again, Edward will catch me..._

Score_._

In what seemed like no time, he was stripped down to his white board shorts with green and brown flowers, his shirt neatly folded in the sun on a large, flat rock next to our pack and his shoes. _Come to mama..._ The way the sunlight warmed his hair to russet and illuminated every cut of his lean form nearly made me drool as he waded out into the the water.

I made my way over to the lowest outcropping of rock and sat down carefully. "How's the water, Buttercup?" I asked as I removed my boots and socks. Hat, shirt and shorts were next, leaving me only in my rather modest lime-green bikini. I'd picked it out for the cool blue stitching at the seams and for the decent amount of coverage it offered. Who wants a butt-floss bikini when you're hiking in the rainforest?

Edward watched me with dazed eyes as I crept to the ledge, close to where he was treading water about eight feet below me. "Like bathwater," he shouted up at me. "Hang on for a second." He disappeared under the surface, and it seemed like forever before he came back up. "I couldn't touch the bottom," he gasped, out of breath. "So come on in!"

I hesitated, the height suddenly seeming quite a bit more intimidating. "Back up," I urged. "I don't want to land on you." Obediently, he backed up a couple of feet, remaining close enough to rescue me if Murphy's Law took effect.

"Bella," he called lightly, stretching his arms upward for a moment. Letting them down with a splash as I still waffled on the rock's edge, the jackass started to whistle the theme song to _Jeopardy. _

"Stop that," I laughed down at him, shooting a dirty look his way.

"Come down here and make me," he taunted, splashing the water in front of him.

_He knows me entirely too well._

I jumped, holding my nose like a weakling as I cannonballed off the ledge.

"Bathwater, my ass!" I sputtered as I surfaced, finding him only inches away, laughing in my face. It wasn't really _that _cold, but it certainly wasn't a bathing temperature I'd choose unless Edward got me all worked up and I needed to calm down...

"Had to help you take your mind off the fear, Bella. Since I wasn't close enough to use my favorite distraction..." He paused, taking me in his arms and swimming over to the rock wall. We found a place where he could stand, the water coming up to his chest, before he continued. "I figured poking at your competitive side would do the job nicely."

I snorted and tried to find the rock with my toes, but it was just out of my reach. "I wasn't scared."

"Right," he drawled, just watching me try to find my footing. "Oh, you can't touch? How convenient for me," he said lowly, tugging me higher and guiding my legs to wrap around his waist. I clung to his shoulders for balance, letting a little giggle escape when he ducked his face into the crook of my neck. I was pressed against him from torso to hip...and it seemed Edward had enjoyed the hike as much as I had.

"It's not so cold now," I whispered, running a hand through his wet hair.

"No, it's not." He lifted his head and set his mouth to mine, angling immediately to deepen the kiss. He was all over me, his tongue in my mouth and his hands roaming my back and thighs. I held on with all my might, clenching my hands in his hair and squeezing his waist with my legs. When I felt his fingertips flirting with the back tie of my halter, I bit at his lip in warning.

"I just want to feel your skin, Bella," he breathed, kissing his way down my neck. "I'll leave the top on." Then I felt my top loosen as the back ties fell away, but his chest kept the material pinned in place. His hand felt heavenly as he ran it unimpeded down my spine, up and down. Nervously, I looked around, grateful that I had a good full view of the pool. I knew there was no one else there, but I was still terrified someone else would hike by and see us.

"There...that's okay, isn't it?" His words felt like kisses on my shoulder, and then his hand was snaking around my ribs and underneath the loosened material of my suit. My nipples pebbled even harder as he covered my breast with his hand.

"Yes," I finally sighed, letting my head drop back and closing my eyes.

"Love?" he whispered, taking advantage of my exposed neck and kissing his way across to my other shoulder. His thumb and forefinger closed on my nipple, gently at first, and ending in a stinging pinch that felt so good I was shocked at myself.

"Mmmm..." was all the speech I was capable of at the moment.

"Take your hair down for me?"

My hands were at the elastic tie in seconds, fumbling at first, but eventually freeing my hair from the knot on the crown of my head. It felt good as the heavy weight of my hair fell away, the ends dangling in the water. Both of Edward's hands were under my top now, pushing my breasts up and playing with my nipples. Then his mouth was there, his teeth closing over the fabric briefly before he sucked me into his mouth. My hands dropped into his hair, clutching at the back of his head as I moaned out loud, grinding my hips against his abdomen and digging my heels into his ass. I couldn't resist watching him, and I finally gathered the strength to raise my head and look down at the sharp planes of his face as he gazed at the hair that floated around my shoulders.

"Bella? Show me," he whispered, releasing my breasts and bringing a hand outside of the swimsuit top, hooking a finger in the side and tugging gently. "It's just you and me, love. You're so pretty...show me, please." He looked up at me through his lashes, and suddenly I was placing my hand over his, helping him pull the material to the side and revealing my breast. "Oh, fuck, yes. I love how you're so pale here," he said, kissing over the swell gently.

His mouth was hot and wet, and he wasn't tentative, laving my nipple with the flat of his tongue and biting, closing his teeth over my skin and pulling it taut as I watched. I moaned louder when he licked the sting away, letting me see his tongue. I felt weightless as he backed into slightly shallower water, letting me drop lower as he stopped. The head of his erection felt scorching between my legs, even through two layers of fabric and a thin film of water.

"I want to touch you," I panted, my mouth open against his hair.

"Please," he returned almost immediately, tugging aside the other half of the halter top to nibble at my other breast. I was beyond caring about discovery ― beyond thinking, actually. Dragging one hand down his chest, I loosened the tie of his shorts and delved inside, wasting no time in closing my fist around his erection.

"It feels so hot," I said into his hair, slicking my palm over the head.

"You feel even hotter," he said, the last word ending in a quiet groan as I squeezed him. In a lightning-fast move, his lips were on mine again, his chest pressing hard against me and trapping my arm between us. I could feel the movement of my hand between my legs as I worked his length. Both of us groaned at the sensation of riding that edge, knowing that one wrong (or right) movement would send him surging inside me if not for our bathing suits.

He pulled away from our kiss, his eyes dark as they met mine. I could taste his breath he was so close. I knew his lips would be shiny if I could see them, but I wanted to feel them again even more. Letting him slip from my hand, I tugged the shorts just a bit lower on his hips, the waistband riding his hipbones. Boldly, I reached back inside and pulled him out, once again taking him in hand. In response, one large palm slid over my ass, hooking two fingers into the crotch of my bathing suit and tugging it to the side.

"Bella, love," he whispered, his other hand coming to steady my other thigh, fingertips digging into the sensitive crease where my thigh and bottom met. "I want to be inside you."

I was dazed and confused, lost in the rock walls of hot and cold. "Yeah...sounds good to me."

He laughed, planting his lips under my ear. "Put me there." It was so soft I almost thought I imagined it. Then he moved in my hand, the tip of his cock just touching the crease of my thigh. _One little shift to the left...oh, God._ Without giving myself time to think about it, I moved him that crucial distance to the left and took my hand away, sinking down, but I didn't make it very far. I hadn't accounted for the added buoyancy of the water. Edward was more than happy to make up for it, grabbing my hips and sinking the rest of the way inside me.

"Jesus...this is why I let you talk me into...stuff," I babbled, holding tight to the back of his neck.

"Shh." His lips were on my earlobe, his breath hot in my ear. "We have to go slow and be quiet. No movement above water," he instructed. Our hips began to move in a grinding motion that was perfection against my clit, and with my legs so wide against him, he went deep enough to make my eyes want to cross. His hands helped me move in a steady rhythm as I concentrated on keeping my body still above the water. I was helpless as he drove me toward a short, intense orgasm, biting my lip to keep from moaning as I came.

Even though I was still boneless with pleasure, I was disappointed as he pulled out of me, his cock hot and slick against my slit. He guided my hips in slow, wet slides along his length, breathing deep and ragged in my ear.

"I love you," I whispered, kissing his jaw and working my way to his mouth.

"Love you, too." Fuck, I loved it when I could feel his words on my lips, his tongue meeting mine eagerly, and I loved the way he groaned when I pushed my tongue into his mouth. He let me slip my hand between us, and I took over, stroking and squeezing until he was stiffening in my arms and coming all over my fingers and stomach under the surface.

_Holy shit...that was so good, I don't even feel sorry for the next people who get in this water._

_Though, it _is_ a river. _The little swimmers would end up in the ocean girls were really unhappy about that, worrying that their pals would end up in the belly of some fish from _Finding Nemo_.

It had been quick and without finesse, but the raw feelings and trust that had passed between us was a huge step in our relationship, in some strange, yet perverted way. Then again, it could just be the rush I got from my horny boyfriend and I getting off in public places.

-w-

Afterward, we dried out on one of the warm, flat rocks bordering the pool, lounging in each others arms in the sun. All our garments were properly straightened and nearly dry, and Edward and I were helping each other reapply sunblock. Actually, _I_ rubbed sunblock on his back while he rummaged through our pack, mumbling to himself. When his back was thoroughly protected from UV rays, I paced around, ready for the hike back, just waiting on his suddenly absentminded behind as he finally dressed. I stared at the aforementioned attribute as he bent to tie the laces on his boots.

_**But it's such a lovely behind, Bella. Surely we can forgive it.**_

_Right. Because Edward's ass is its own entity. Of course. _

Finally, he rose, his shoulders moving as he took a deep breath, opening his mouth to speak. A wasp picked that moment to land on the back of my calf, planting its stinger in my flesh before I could swat it away.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked worriedly, freezing as I sprang into motion.

"Oww!" I yelped, smacking at my leg and running away, trying to avoid the loose rocks. Edward caught up with me, sitting me down to inspect the already apparent welt. "I fucking hate insects!" This thing hurt so badly I'd kill a really pretty butterfly just for having six legs at the moment.

"Just hang on a second," he said calmly, cracking open a fresh bottle of water and cleaning his hands. He grabbed a small packet of baking soda from the backpack, and mixed some with a bit of bottled water, making a thick, chalky paste. Gently, he spread it on the stinging, red welt, and I actually thought it felt a little better with the cool paste covering the heated skin.

"Thanks," I said, smiling up at him as he returned from washing off the baking soda in the pool.

"Better?" I nodded, reaching up for his hand. He helped me up, strapping the pack on his shoulders and helping me climb back up to the trail. "You're not allergic to stings of any kind, are you?" he asked, tossing me a concerned glance as we reached the plateau.

"Not that I know of," I said, starting off to get the rest of my clothes.

"I'll get those. You sit here and rest, okay?" He kissed me quickly and started off, easily retrieving my things from the ledge. I pulled on my shorts and tank, and Edward attentively helped me put on my socks and boots. The last piece of the ensemble was my ridiculous hat, and when we were finished, the sting was a dull throb in my calf.

We took it easy on the hike back to the car, and it was my turn to drive for a bit. I had to assure Edward I was up for it ― in fact, focusing on driving the winding road would help take my mind off the pain. He let me drive for about another hour, which actually passed by pleasantly, while we listened to his iPod on shuffle and talked about the sights occasionally. I finally pulled over near a banana bread stand, the delicious aroma noticeable from the highway.

Reaching my palms overhead in a long stretch, I headed over to buy us thick slices of sweet, banana-scented heaven while Edward got the cooler from the trunk and headed for an empty picnic bench. He greeted me with my smile as I delivered our dessert and sat next to him, tucking myself under his arm.

He already had lunch set out, but despite our earlier rather strenuous activity, I wasn't starving. I did, however, try the water crackers and soft brie, which turned out to be delicious. There was also fresh pineapple, cut in slices so thin that one would fit in your mouth in a single bite that burst with sweet juice.

"Oh, you have to try this," I insisted, holding a slice of bright golden fruit to his lips. He took it happily, kissing my fingertips as he savored the pineapple. "It's so good, right?" This pineapple was _nothing _like any I'd eaten back on the mainland. It was sweet, with none of the acidity of its continental US sibling.

"Wow," he agreed, nodding and grabbing another piece. He then proceeded to pick up a large turkey sandwich and tuck into it with enthusiasm. I smiled knowingly, not-so-secretly pleased that I'd helped him work up that appetite.

"You know what I read somewhere?" He shook his head as he continued to eat. "Pineapple plants can produce three fruits in a season, each fruit smaller than the one before it. But the secret is that each pineapple contains the same amount of sugar as the others grown from the same plant.

"So, in return for all the Spam we sent them during WWII, Hawaiians send us all the huge, acidic pineapples, and keep the small, perfect, sweet ones for themselves." We both laughed and ate some more, taking in the small strip of beach just yards away from our picnic table. The rainforest grew right up to the ocean here, where the waves crashed against worn black volcanic rocks that were another few million years from becoming black sand. Vines laden with rounded, succulent-type leaves nearly kissed the water, giving the whole area a secluded, private feel, though we weren't the only people stopped here for lunch.

"I think I'm ruined for all other pineapple," he agreed, putting down his half-eaten sandwich and watching me intently. Leaning toward me, he kissed me on the temple and hugged me closer.

"Me too." I grinned and leaned into his side, taking a deep breath and basking in the scent of the warm skin at his neck. When I felt him do the same to me, tugging my hat off and nuzzling into my hair, I didn't think things could get any better.

"Love me?" He kissed my hair with a little laugh.

"Of course," I answered flippantly, linking my still sticky fingers behind his back and covertly wiping them on his shirt.

"Can't live without me?"

"Nope."

"Good. In that case..." he whispered, and he started to pull away. That's when a frisbee came out of nowhere and hit him right smack in the back of the head. "Fuck!" he shouted, a hand going to his head before he looked around contritely. I melted at the fact that my man was embarrassed for cursing in a family park.

"Sorry, mister!" A little blond-headed boy ran up and grabbed the frisbee, a young spotted dog in tow. They were both cuties and, strangely enough, both had bright blue eyes. "I guess he doesn't know how to fetch," the boy said. "He's a rental."

Edward and I both looked at each other with huge smiles, and I laughed aloud. Little kids really did say some cute stuff.

_**Just think of how verbose our little children will be when we make babies with Edward!**_

_Verbose? Wow. Nice vocab, girls._

"How did you rent a dog?" Edward asked, scratching the pup behind the ears and letting him gnaw on his arm a little.

"My mom picked him up from the shelter for a day out. Don't let him bite you! You might bleed!" the boy said, looking panicked for a second.

Edward handled the situation pretty well, gently prying the puppy's mouth from his wrist. It promptly started chewing on the frisbee, getting into a tug-of-war with the kid. "Don't worry, he was being gentle. And I can fix it if I bleed. I'm a doctor." Whatever parts left of me that weren't already melted joined the puddle underneath the bench seat.

The dog jerked the toy away from the boy's hands as he looked up at Edward with awe. "You are?"

"Yep," Edward said with a nod, and the little guy looked to me for confirmation, which made me giggle.

"I promise, he is," I insisted. I pointed to the white clump on my calf. "See? A wasp stung me and he fixed it."

"Looks messy," he frowned, leaning closer. "What's your name? You're pretty."

What a little charmer! I even blushed. "Well, thank you, young sir. My name is Bella, and this is Edward."

"I'm Gabriel," he stated, like he was decreeing himself king of the island.

"Nice to meet you, Gabriel," Edward and I both said, grinning at one another.

"Gabriel, get back here!" came a shout as a young woman ran up to us. She was obviously the boy's mother, as they shared the same blond hair and blue eyes. "I'm so sorry. They're like rockets at this age," she said, managing to take her son's hand and grab the puppy's leash at the same time. I was impressed.

"It's okay, my head kept his frisbee from going into the ocean," Edward said dryly, rubbing the back of his head for sympathy. _Ass_. I covered my mouth to hide my snort.

After Gabriel's mother took him to play at a safer distance, Edward and I packed up our things, gearing ourselves up for the last section of the deadly Hana Highway. He was silent, almost contemplative, and I could have sworn I heard him muttering to himself as he hefted the cooler on the way back to the car.

"Everything okay?" I asked, putting my hand on his arm as we finished loading up.

"What?" He blinked, and I could tell he was trying to think of something to say. "Oh, yeah, everything is fine. Just trying to figure out how much longer the drive will be."

I didn't buy it. Either he was confused, or he was up to something. It was probably the latter, and if that was the case, I really didn't want to know.

_Ignorance is bliss, right girls?_

-w-

Just outside of Hana, I was cursing this sleeker, sportier Volvo. After the relief of getting to drive the middle third of the way, this final stretch of the highway was more than my jumpy nerves could take.

I hated this car. The damn thing had no Oh Shit handle.

A fatal flaw of convertibles, this one was no different. This defect should have been listed right up there with the bigwigs, like exorbitant insurance premiums and possible decapitation in an accident… I took deep breaths as he whipped around curve after curve, passed a giant RV, sped around blind corners, and straight over solid lines. I knew we were going to die… but not before I vomited all over the rental car.

"Edward," I gasped, swallowing back the sudden influx of spit that I just knew signaled vomiting of epic proportions. "Pull over… NOW!" I clapped my hand over my mouth and prayed that I could get out of the car before I lost my lunch.

_**Bella, be strong, you pussy! You can't handle a few curves?**_

_Did they just call me a pussy? Why is that strange? Why am I thinking about this when I'm about to spew all over the rental car?_

"Oh, no," Edward muttered, whipping the car into one of the scenic overlook points. Thank fucking God this one was empty. I was out of the deathtrap in seconds, looking for a tree, rock, _anything_ that I could hide behind while I horked. I did _not_ want Edward watching as I threw up all of our wonderful picnic lunch. Alas, there was nothing to hide behind, and my crackers and brie were ready to make their grand reappearance.

I ended up leaning over the guardrail, hurling into the ocean yards below. Edward was right behind me, which was mortifying, but his gentle hand rubbing my back was sort of comforting. He was quiet until I sank back to my heels and pivoted, planting my butt on the ground and resting my back against the guardrail. He sat next to me and stroked my hair.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly. "I didn't know you got carsick." He tucked a loose strand of hair back into my ponytail and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I wanted to lean my head against him, but the rollercoaster in my stomach was still alive and well – and I certainly didn't want him to smell my vomit breath.

"Not since I was a kid," I muttered. "Maybe it's only when the driver thinks he's driving a Grand Prix course. We're in Maui, not Monaco."

"Hey," he said, cracking a little smile at my comment. "I'm sorry. Bella, the last thing I want is for you to feel sick." Another wave of nausea attacked me and I put my head between my bent knees, determined to breathe my way through it. Edward jumped up, ready to help me if I needed it… like always. Even as embarrassed as I was, I was still glad he was here.

"I'll be right back. We still have some cold water in the cooler."

I breathed deeply, the nausea beginning to pass with the influx of warm ocean breeze. Edward came up to sit beside me again, holding a fresh bottle of icy-cold water. I met his concerned gaze and tried to smile, but I was sure it looked more like a grimace.

"Thanks," I croaked, taking the cold bottle. "Close your eyes. You don't need to see me gargle and spit." I turned away, attempting to rid my mouth of the foul taste of terror, winding roads, and Edward's lead foot.

"It's all right, you know. I've seen lots of people vomit; I'm a doctor. I work with chemotherapy patients, for God's sake." Aww, his frustration was showing. I would have found it cute if I didn't feel like puking again. His large hand coasted up and down my back as I spat the water over the guardrail.

"I don't care," I whined. "I still want you to kiss me occasionally, and I know vomit is definitely _not _an aphrodisiac." Screwing the cap back on the bottle, I blindly handed it to him, sitting back down and laying my head on my knees. "My head hurts." _Lord, I sound like a child_...

"Bella," he whispered in my ear, "I will always want to kiss you, no matter what. I'm just so sorry you're not feeling well." Then he was silent, but I could feel the slight vibration of laughter against my side as he wrapped his arm around me. He dropped soft kisses on my hair and pulled me tightly against him.

I felt protected, safe, and loved. My feelings for him grew by the day, increasing exponentially with every sweet touch and gesture, every tease, and every smoldering or tender look.

"Can I drive? I think if I had something to focus on, I might not feel sick."

"First of all, I don't think we should go all the way back to Wailea tonight. The drive down here took a lot longer than I anticipated."

I nodded mutely, only wanting to be secluded somewhere with him, away from the damn car and the fucking curvy road.

"Why don't we spend the night in Hana and go back tomorrow," he suggested, pulling out his phone and thumbing through page after page of things I couldn't read. I tried to listen as he finally made a call, but my brain was too wired to make any sense of his conversation. He turned to me as he shoved the phone into his pocket.

"Hey, wait – you didn't agree to let me drive," I pointed out, turning into his side and wrapping my arms around his waist. His neck and jaw were too tempting, and I couldn't resist the urge to tuck my head under his chin.

He sighed and laughed a little, and I could feel it on my face where I snuggled against his throat. "Yes, Bella, you can drive."

"Thanks," I sniffed, suddenly trying to fight back tears. He'd given me the most unique, beautiful and fun day of my life, and I had to go and ruin it by nearly vomiting all over the rental car. "I'm sorry I puked all over our awesome day," I finished, a tear managing to make it past my tightly clenched eyelids.

"It's fine, Bella. Really, it fits, when you stop to think about it. Our history is filled with strange little events."

I laughed weakly. "I'll have to give you that one, Buttercup. It takes a special relationship to withstand poop-throwing monkeys, spiteful cats, and incidents involving bongs, guns, _and _fire."

"And there she is. I wondered where my favorite smart-ass went," he said teasingly, his voice warm and affectionate. "Are you feeling a little better?" He rubbed a gentle hand over my tummy and I closed my eyes, assessing the state of my jumbled insides. I nodded, taking a cautious sip of water. "Do you want to sit here for a minute, or maybe take a little walk and see how you feel?" I was beginning to feel better with him at my side, lazily stroking his fingers up and down my upper arm.

"I think I could walk for a little bit." He immediately hopped to his feet, reaching both hands down to pull me up. With me tucked under his arm, we walked slowly along the guardrail until we came to a tiny peninsula that jutted out over the ocean. The view was beautiful: one hundred-eighty degrees of azure blue ocean waves flanked by black and red sand beaches, with lush coconut palms and fat leaved Hawaiian ginger at the coastline. I'd never seen anything more beautiful in my life, except for Edward.

_Yes, I _am_ that sappy, and yes, he _is_ that beautiful to me. Don't judge me, inner bitch._

He looked at me mischievously, cocking his head toward the little patch of land.

"Wanna be dangerous and hop over the guardrail?" he asked, but he was already over the metal barrier. I couldn't resist following, because the view was simply too beautiful. He lifted me over the railing; his strong hands secure around my waist, and drew me to sit between his bent knees as we stared out at the calm waves. His arms curved around me and he rested his chin on my shoulder. I was completely surrounded by him, exactly how I liked to be.

"Edward, this is amazing," I breathed, my mind almost unable to process the beauty right before my eyes. "Thank you so much for asking me to come with you."

"You're welcome," he chuckled. "But just so you know, I would have made you come with me. I really didn't want to go without you." His voice was quiet and serious, sending a rush of warmth through me and causing me to lean back against him even harder. I reached backward and rested my hand on the nape of his neck, my fingers playing in his hair.

"I don't like being apart from you either."

"Bella," he murmured, pressing the lightest of butterfly kisses just below my ear. His arms tightened around my waist and he sighed deeply. "I love you, more than I thought I could ever love anyone."

"Edward, I love you, too. This place, this time together? It's something I'll never forget, and always cherish."

He hugged me closer in response and we both stared out at the vivid blue of the calming ocean waves, the muted crash of breaking surf serving as the perfect soundtrack for my thoughts. Edward shifted around a bit, one hand moving away from my body as he readjusted his position. I could feel him taking a deep breath, one so large that I noticeably rose and fell with its rhythm.

He touched his lips to my ear and breathed, "Be my wife, Bella. Live with me, love me, and share everything with me. Marry me, please?"

His hand nudged mine, and I looked down to see that he held a heart-attack inducing ring between his thumb and forefinger. It was beautiful – one large, oval-cut diamond on a slender band studded with tiny Pavé-style stones on either side. Every bit of breath pushed its way out of my lungs in one rush, and I was afraid my eyes might bug out of my head.

The girls did a double-take, and then jumped around in a little circle, holding hands and squealing.

_**We get to make some babies, we get to make some babies**_, they sang.

_No, no you don't! Not until I say, and right now, I say _never_, after seeing all the bratty kids at the resort and on the trails today! And jeez, it's the twenty-first fucking century. I don't have to be married to have a damn kid. Shit, I have to stop thinking about this!_

I'd known something like this was possible, but I hadn't done a damn thing to stop it. In fact, I'd encouraged it. I was an enabler!

Sitting up straight, I twisted around to look him in the eyes. It wasn't the proposal that scared me, but the fact that it didn't terrify me as much as it should have. I _wanted_ to be Edward's wife. Badly. But the urge to run like hell was just as strong. "Oh, no. Oh, no no no." _Oh, shit...that was out loud!_ I jumped up and hopped back over the guardrail, gnawing on my lip as I paced back and forth on the _safe_ side of the metal railing.

My parents' marriage had been a trainwreck. While I had absolutely no doubts about Edward, I was terrified of the mess I could potentially make of our relationship if we chose to get married. What was the rush? _We're so happy...that should be enough_.

Marriage would change_ everything_. What if I was too crazy for him? What if he found someone better? Someone smarter? Someone with a real, grown-up career? The uncertainties I had about myself were endless.

"Bella, wait!" He hopped over the railing, sprinting after me as I stalked aimlessly around the little gravel lot. He grabbed my wrist, forcing me to stop my frantic pacing. "I know I'm not perfect, but… God, Bella, I'd do anything for you," he said fervently, his expression tense and desperate. "I promise you, I'll be everything you need. I love you, respect you, _worship _you. I never thought I'd find someone like you… someone so free and easygoing and funny. I never even dared to _hope_ for it. _You're the one_," he said simply.

I couldn't control the tears that filled my eyes as I stared at him, his jewel-bright irises so sincere and desperate; so full of his love for me, of which I had no doubt.

The person I doubted was myself.

* * *

_A/N:_

_Chapter 35 is written, so don't kill me. I realize you probably want to right now, but believe me, this is much better than where I originally left it off. And I didn't plan that lemon, so you're welcome. It should have been an outtake, but I like you guys._

_There's still one more day to vote in the Giggle/Snort awards (voting ends June 4th). I still really want to win, JS. I know it's impossible, considering the competition, but humor my delusions, please. They bring you the girls. ;)_

_For voting, go here: http:/gigglesnortawards(dot)mmmboptastic(dot)com/vote(dot)php_

_Sometimes I visit that site just to look at all of Rob's facial expressions. I know, I'm sick._

_See you soon!  
_


	35. Island in the Sun

_I don't own Twilight._

_EchoesOfTwilight rocks my beta world._

_You're getting this early because I saw Weezer tonight and it's made me all soft and mushy and fuzzy. I was twenty-five feet away from Rivers Cuomo in all his nerdy glory, and it was wonderful. And yeah, the title is borrowed from the song of the same name._

_So, happy late Friday/early Saturday!_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 35: Island in the Sun**

"Oh, Edward!" It was all I could do to form words. "I… oh, my God!"

I felt like I couldn't get enough air, like in those dreams I'd had so often as a child: no matter how deeply or how fast I breathed, it was never enough. My stomach and head were spinning with the newfound knowledge that being handed my heart's desire on a silver platter was a little unnerving.

"I...I'm not saying no, but I don't want to ruin what we have. I love you so much," I forced out, my voice breaking with the intensity of my emotions. My chest hurt as his face fell before he caught himself and determination settled into his features.

"I love you, Bella, more than _anything_. Nothing is ever going to change that. Take a chance." I stared in shock as he gripped my left hand in his and slid the ring onto my fourth finger. As I flexed my fingers, I admired the light that seemed to be sucked in by the beautifully cut stone.

The ring itself was a perfect fit. Just like Edward and me. I knew that it was right; it was perfect. But I still worried about my little doubts and idiosyncrasies – and this was the most important decision I'd ever have to make. Edward would never hurt me, would never break my heart...right? Could I trust my own instincts?

_But, oh, God… I've only known him since May! This could be Charlie and Renee all over again!_

_**Bella, shut the fuck up and say yes! We need to make babies, and we need to make them NOW!**_

I dashed the tears from my cheeks and gazed at my left hand, which was trembling noticeably. My heart felt like it was ready to hop out of my chest and leap over the guardrail to oblivion. Taking rapid, shallow breaths, I backed away from Edward, trying to ignore the hurt look in his eyes. I knew he saw this as a rejection.

"Edward… oh, God… I'm so sorry," I gasped, my voice thick with tears. I saw the stark pain on his face just before he squeezed them shut and took a deep breath, standing slowly.

"It's okay, Bella," he said, his voice cracking, which caused my tears to flow even faster. How had I managed to thoroughly ruin this day, which had begun so perfectly?

_**Bella, **_**swear to God**_**, we're gonna kill you. Why are you fucking us over?**_

"I'm sorry, Bella… I know...it's too soon. I shouldn't have asked―"

"No, no, Edward, I'm not―" _God, why can't I form a coherent sentence?_ "I wouldn't be the one taking a chance! I can't believe you're willing to take the chance on _me!_ My parents didn't exactly present the best example of a good relationship." I twisted the ring on my finger nervously, finally slipping it off and clenching it in my fist. Chancing a look at his face, I found his eyes darkened with nerves and disappointment. I was hurting him – the very last thing I wanted to do. I simply didn't know how to express myself. "I don't want to fuck this up, Edward. Why fiddle with something that's already so great I can hardly believe it? Can't things just stay the way they are?" I finished.

"Bella, please. Please don't let your parents' mistakes dictate your life." He came closer and took my face in his hands, making me look directly at him. Those deep pools of evergreen forest were like home: comforting and familiar and safe. I wanted so badly to tell him I'd be with him forever, that I'd love him and be his wife, but I couldn't control the doubts I had about myself. I knew from Renee that she and Charlie had been madly in love once, but they'd also drifted apart fast. I didn't think I could handle it if that happened to me and Edward.

"I don't want to," I whispered, clenching my fists at my sides. I could feel the hard shape of the ring in my left hand, the cold diamond slowly warming to my body temperature. My ring finger literally tingled, as if it was telling me something vital was missing.

"Then don't," he said vehemently. "I love you, and I never want to be without you. You are the person I've waited for, waited for so long, yet I never knew I wanted. I'm not giving you up."

His eyes bored into mine as he showed me the raw depth of his feelings, and I was amazed. I'd seen it before, but now, at this moment, it all came rushing at me… and I _knew_. My lips curved into a watery smile and I took a deep breath through my nose. Edward lightly trailed his hands down through my hair, linking them behind my back and pressing his lips to my forehead for a long moment. When he pulled away, I met his eyes, a thrill shooting through me at the hope I saw shining there. I nodded slightly, my smile widening.

"Can we try this one more time?" he asked softly, and I nodded again. My breath stopped as he released me and dropped to one knee, taking the ring from my palm. He gazed at it for a second before looking up at me, every feeling plain on his face. "Bella, be my wife. Tease me, make fun of me, and keep me grounded. Marry me. Be my _life_," he murmured.

I said nothing, but went to my knees and wrapped my arms around his waist, because we needed to be on equal footing – we were partners. I buried my face in his neck and placed my lips at his ear, whispering, "Yes."

_**The Precious and Bella, sitting in a tree… F-U-C-K-I-N-G! Making babies! Making babies!**_

I completely ignored them. I did not want this moment to be ruined by my obnoxious, sex-crazed ovaries.

"Yes?" he said into my hair. He pulled back, his eyes searching mine. "Yes?"

I nodded, bringing my hands up to stroke through his hair. "Yes."

My favorite smile was prominent on his soft lips, and he captured my left hand once again, placing the ring in its rightful place. He raised my hand and kissed it, his lips leaving trails of fire along my fingers. I watched him, warmth radiating through my body, happiness and joy and love. He grabbed my head next and went for my mouth. I was ready for his kiss, but one thing stopped me. I covered my mouth and he frowned when his lips hit my fingers.

"Absolutely not. I just puked no more than thirty minutes ago. Get me to a toothbrush and toothpaste, and _then_ we can have the makeout session of our lives, but not one minute before then," I mumbled.

"Oh." He backed off quickly and grimaced. I didn't know if I should have been offended that he wasn't that intent on kissing me, but I smirked at him and put it out of my mind. His face brightened suddenly. "Would you believe I have both of those very things in the car? I've even got floss. You know, in case of any chunks," he teased.

"I believe it. You're completely anal and your planning is a terminal disease. And damn you for proposing while I have vomit breath!" He hugged me hard and ran back to the car, returning with another bottle of water, a travel-sized toothbrush, and tiny tube of toothpaste.

"Would you like to brush them for me?" I asked. "I mean, my tooth-brushing skills might not meet your post-vomit standards." He chuckled at me as I snatched the supplies from his hands and squirted entirely too much toothpaste onto the bristles, but hey, one could never have too much toothpaste after food has made an encore appearance.

I got annoyed with him constantly staring at me as I brushed, so I walked back to the little peninsula and hopped over the guardrail as I gargled with the bottled water. Unfortunately, the edge of my flip-flop caught on the top of the metal railing, pitching me forward.

_**Fuck, Bella! You're going to kill us! We're going to marry the precious and you're throwing us off of a cliff!**_

I dropped the toothbrush, throwing my hands out in front of me as water flew out of my mouth, but I was falling toward the narrow end of the little patch of land.

And I had no idea if I would be able to stop myself from toppling right over the edge.

"Bella!" Edward shouted from what seemed like far away as everything slowed to a crawl. I was still falling, but I could see every blade of grass below me, every shard of light that reflected off the ocean that surrounded me on all sides. The edge of the outcropping was clear and defined, and I was afraid my hands would slide right over the edge. My last coherent thought was to dig into the top of the guardrail with my toes to try to prevent some of my forward movement. I only prayed that the toes of one measly foot would have enough strength to combat gravity and inertia.

The girls were screaming profanities and crying hysterically, but I felt strangely removed from them as well.

My body buzzed as memories flitted through my brain; of Edward, Charlie, Renee, Angela…

The first moment I'd seen Edward in the restaurant. The darkness of the hallway at U-Dub when Edward had surprised me at graduation. The moment I'd realized that I loved him – sharing that tender gaze in his parents' kitchen.

_Oh, I am _so_ not gonna go out like this. This is _not_ what I meant when I thought about cliff-diving! _

I flexed my foot with all my might. My lifeline – my stupid foot – was the very same reason I was in this mess.

"Bella!" It was Edward again, and his voice was much closer this time. I still couldn't answer him ― I could barely do anything but tense my leg and lock my arms straight out in front of me. Dull pain throbbed in my wrists as my hands hit the ground, my eyes closing, the soft earth absorbing the brunt of the force and giving way beneath me. Pebbles and sticks cut into the fleshy part of my palms and tore at my nails, but I was relieved at the sting. If my hands were getting scraped up, there was still dirt underneath me.

_Are you really doing this to me, God? Seriously? You dangle the man of my dreams in front of me like a really delicious cookie, and now you're going to kill me?_

Then my chest hit the ground, knocking the wind right out of my lungs. My knees followed; rocks and dirt cutting into the thin skin in a burning swipe of friction that I wasn't sure would be enough to stop me from sliding right off the edge. _Shit, that hurts! _ Suddenly, a vise-like grip encircled my ankle. I didn't know what was happening, but I was yanked backwards with such force that my chin knocked against the dirt at the edge, causing me to bite my tongue. I was pulled back further, the crisp smell of crushed grass assaulting my nostrils as my cheek dragged over the wonderful, _wonderful_ ground. I'd kiss it if I could move. Hell, I'd probably eat it at this point.

Finally, everything was still, and I dared to open my dry eyes slowly, blinking as my vision slowly cleared. I was presented with a sideways view of azure-blue ocean waters, clipped green grass, and muddy ruts made by my hands. I laid there motionless, greedily sucking in air, my mind completely blank. My tongue, however, hurt like a bitch. In fact, so did my palms, knees, and elbows.

_I'm not dead? If I was dead, I wouldn't be in pain, right? Oh, crap, did Devil Bella drag me to hell with her?_

There was another option – I wasn't dead – which would be completely and perfectly awesome.

_**We're alive? We're alive!**_

"Bella, don't move until I say it's okay," Edward ordered, his voice cracking as his hands moved over my body capably, checking my spine and other fragile places for serious injury. I could taste the coppery tang of blood when I finally managed to swallow, but my tongue didn't hurt as badly as I'd first thought. _Good. I'd like to keep it. Glad I didn't bite it off._

_God... How hard did I hit my head?_

"Can you tell me if anything hurts?" he demanded, his tone clipped and rough. _Wow. _ I'd never seen this side of Dr. Cullen before. All of his smooth bedside manner was gone as he barked order after order at me. I followed his directions, flexing my fingers, then testing every other limb, one by one. Once I'd recovered my breath, I realized that I was fine, other than the immense adrenaline rush coursing through my body and the minor scrapes, cuts, and bruises. I still hadn't answered him, and he finally broke, sucking in a ragged breath before whispering, "Bella, please…baby, talk to me."

"I'm good," I forced out, incapable of forming more than two-word sentences at the moment. "I think."

_**We're really alive! Oh, Lord, praise the Precious…**__**  
**_

_Ignore them, please, God. They know not what they do._

I managed to turn over, meeting Edward's worried eyes. He yanked me up and into his arms, shoving his face into my neck and locking his arms around me. I concentrated on taking deep breaths, each lungful of his addictive scent helping to calm the storm raging through my veins. His shoulders shook with each shuddering breath he took, and I could feel his heart racing against mine.

"I lost your toothbrush," I blurted, suddenly remembering seeing it fly over the edge.

"I don't care about the fucking toothbrush, Bella," he snapped. I pulled back, taking his face in my hands. My breath froze in my lungs as I took in his dirt-streaked face. His eyes blazed green and bloodshot, and the lines of tension were back at his brow.

"Were you crying?" To my surprise, it came out as a laugh. _That's me, queen of awkward and inappropriate responses!_

"Are you_ laughing_ at me?" he asked right back, scowling. Then he started to chuckle himself. "You kicked dirt in my eye when I grabbed your leg." I hugged him harder and let him think I believed him.

Never once had I seen Edward cry. Not when he'd told me about his biological mother dying, and not when he'd confessed the sins of his youth. But those glassy, vivid green eyes did me in; my eyes stung with tears, which I worked hard to swallow back. We didn't speak; we simply held each other tighter, his rough, stubbly cheek pressing firmly to mine as he rocked me in his arms.

His shoulders still shook against the firm grip of my fingers, and I was trembling as the adrenaline slowly drained away. I felt his lips moving against my jaw, but it took me a moment to figure out what he was whispering so softly.

"Thank you, God… oh, thank you, God…"

I smiled against his skin, concentrating on my senses and trying not to think. I breathed in the scent of him, laced with the fresh, salty fragrance of the ocean waves and crisp essence of the grass we sat on.

"Thanks for saving me, Superman," I whispered against his neck. "I bet I looked like Lois Lane going over the rail at Niagara Falls."

"Bella?" He sounded weary.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up. I don't want to think about it."

I didn't know how long we stayed there, drinking each other in, before he sat me on the solid ground next to him and stood carefully, gently pulling me up beside him. His hands never left me for a second as we went back over the guardrail.

When we reached the Volvo, he stroked my cheek before opening the car door and helping me inside, assuming correctly that my earlier desire to drive was gone. He drove slowly, and I barely registered the passing miles. I think I was in shock, but there was really nothing I could do to bring myself out of it. Edward was pulling down the drive of the Hotel Hana-Maui in what seemed like seconds later.

"I'm going to go check us in. Will you be okay here, Biff? It will only take a minute. I arranged for most everything over the phone," he murmured, stroking the loose hair back from my temple.

I nodded, grumbling, "Don't call me Biff," just before he pressed a warm kiss to my lips and backed out of the car. He glanced back at me just before he passed through the double doors, worry creasing his face. To reassure him, I managed a small smile and wave, letting my hand fall listlessly to my lap. I stared at my left hand after I lost sight of him, drinking in the light that seemed to shine from the diamonds, trying to make sense of what had just happened in the last couple of hours.

The girls were silent, and I was ever-thankful. I hoped they'd remain in shock for several days. I could use the break.

He was back very quickly, kissing me again before he started the car and drove us to a cottage at the coastline. I was in a daze as he parked and came around to my side. He opened the door and pulled me into his arms, not even giving me the chance to walk. My ears barely registered the slam of the car door right before he headed for the front entrance of the cottage. After fumbling with the key-card, he finally got the heavy door open. He kicked the door shut behind him, heading straight for the bathroom.

I gasped when I got the first glimpse of myself in the mirror. Blood had trickled down my chin and dirt streaked my left cheek. The front of my tank was splotched with mud and green grass stains. I sucked in a shuddering breath as I remembered the instant I tripped. My knees buckled but, as always, Edward was there to catch me.

"Let's get you cleaned up," he said calmly, even though I knew this couldn't be much better for him. I was in tune with his every feeling and thought, and I could tell by the rigid set of his muscles just how hard he was trying to keep up his calm facade.

We showered together, sharing comforting, soul-cleansing touches as the water sluiced over our bodies. The sound of running water bounced off the tiled walls, providing soothing white noise. Nothing about it was sexual; we only soaked in the knowledge that we were both here, both alive, and together. We didn't linger in the shower, and soon we were drying each other gently with fluffy towels. Our eyes met and lingered as Edward gently rubbed the towel over my hair, being careful not to add any tangles.

"I think I have a comb in the car." The sound of my own voice startled me. I hadn't spoken since before we'd checked in.

"Don't worry. I'll go grab everything," he said, tossing the towels aside and grabbing one of the soft robes that hung from a hook on the back of the bathroom door. He helped me into the light waffle-weave cotton, kissing my shoulders before he covered them and came around to tie the sash.

I followed him out of the bathroom, taking in my surroundings for the first time. The place was huge. It was all open, with smooth bamboo floors, large ceiling fans, and comfortable-looking furniture. I stumbled toward a huge sectional couch next to a coffee table that looked like it had been carved out of a tree trunk. This place was...amazing. Paradise. And probably way too expensive for me to comprehend. All the energy drained out of me as I sunk into the plush sofa. I closed my eyes for a second, and then Edward was kneeling in front of me, dressed in his old clothes.

"I need to check out your scrapes, love," he said with a soft smile, and I couldn't even find the energy to try and doctor-block him.

"Okay," I sighed, sitting up and adjusting the robe so he could see better.

Of course, Edward had the full array of first aid supplies ― and some things regular, non-doctor people couldn't legally procure ― Boy Scout that he was. Gently, he inspected and disinfected my palms, leaving the minor scrapes unbandaged. It didn't escape my notice that he didn't make any of his usual attempts to charm me while working, and I didn't like his solemn demeanor. I wasn't sure what I could do about it, though, so I figured he needed time to process, just like I did. He worked quickly, intently cleaning and bandaging my knees and raw elbows before picking me up once again and taking me to the bed. Gently, he set me in the middle of the sheets, a ghost of his normal grin appearing as he tugged at the sash of my robe.

Shyly, though I had no idea why I was feeling so bashful, I slipped out of the robe as he stripped out of his dirty clothes. I rested on my side as he climbed in to face me, sliding one arm underneath my torso so he could hold me fully in his arms.

I scooted as close to him as possible, accepting his thigh when he insinuated it between my own. We were pressed against each other, hot, damp skin clinging together. Intertwining his fingers with mine, he brought them to his lips, kissing my hand and stroking them across his cheek. The sight of his ring adorning my finger lifted some of the fog from my brain, and I felt a tiny smile curve my lips.

"I love you… I wasn't ready to stop. I have so much more love to give you. Until we're old, crotchety, bickering, and senile octogenarians."

A ghost of his crooked smile crossed his lips before his face fell. "I love you so much. I can't even think about it, Bella. I thought I wouldn't make it in time. I've never been so scared in my life…not even in the aftermath of the accident," he said softly.

"Don't, Edward. It's okay now," I whispered, hating that he was hurting and scared. We held each other tightly, unmoving in the silence. The sun was low in the sky, soft evening light bathing the room in glowing shades of orange and deep pink. It caught the strands of golden, red, and deep brown that made up Edward's leonine hair, mesmerizing me. I stroked my fingers through the hair at his temples, loving the way he nearly purred as I gently scratched his scalp. I drank in every second until finally my eyes grew heavy. The last thing I remember hearing was the sound of his deep even breaths as he fell to sleep beside me.

-w-

"Bella..." My name was a tactile whisper of breath across my skin, an aural embodiment of Edward's lips as they trailed up my neck in soft, wet kisses. That was all it took for the veil of sleep to slip away.

"Mmm, Edward," I answered, pressing my lips to his and combing my fingers through his hair in the gesture I knew he loved. His lips crushed mine, his face pressing closer as he hitched my thigh over his hip with one big hand, the other digging into my ass, bringing me as close as possible. His tongue swept over the seam of my lips and I let him in, accepting his claim as he tasted the recesses of my mouth. He pulled back, rubbing his lips back and forth over my tingling mouth as he widened my legs around him. His cock was hot and hard against my hip, so close, and I could almost _feel_ him sliding inside...

"I need you, Bella. Please tell me you're ready for me," he begged. I bucked my hips against him in permission, even though I wasn't completely ready. I knew he needed this, and so did I. This wasn't only about pleasure; it was about comfort, reassurance, and reaffirmation.

I took his hand, sucking his index finger into my mouth and swirling my tongue all around, loving the tight look of pleasure that flitted across his beautiful features. His finger left my mouth with a soft, wet sound of suction, and I licked over his palm before guiding him to wrap his fist around his erection. He stroked himself, coating himself in the wetness from my mouth, before fitting the head of his cock to my slit and slowly pushing inside. I welcomed the burn as he stretched me, my body giving in to his, because it only reaffirmed my commitment to him. It was as if I was giving myself to him for the first time, and here, with Edward, he erased anyone there had ever been before. He remained still as I adjusted to the feeling of him inside me.

His mouth covered mine as his palms brushed over my erect nipples, our lips meshing and parting in hot, wet grazes. Chills broke out over my arms as his fingertips moved up my chest, over my shoulder, and down my back to finally rest at my hip. I pushed my hips back at him, letting him know I was ready. His fingers dug into my pliant skin before he pulled out slowly, a ragged groan escaping him as he moved.

His hair was silky and damp as I ran my fingers over his scalp, my hands clenching involuntarily as he inched his way back inside me. The slow, thick slide was much easier this time, his gentle touches and kisses readying me for him. He gripped my thigh and raised it higher against his side as he pushed all the way inside me, where he remained again, unmoving. His hand was scorching hot as it roamed up the back of my thigh, his fingertips stroking lightly at the very top of my leg.

I kissed my way across his jaw, pressing my cheek against his, unwilling to have one inch of my flesh separated from his. Trembling in his arms, I moved underneath him, bucking my hips into his and arching my back. He was still motionless within me as one hand slid up to cup the back of my neck and tangle in my hair. His other hand kept up that slow stroke at the top of my thigh, coming closer to where we were joined with each pass. I tensed against him as he kept going, my hips responding mindlessly to his fingers.

His lips touched the shell of my ear at the same time his fingers grazed the slick flesh that stretched around him. He moaned softly, his hot breath scorching me. Another slow retreat and advance, and the feeling of his fingertips playing gently around our connection drew a whimper from my throat.

"I want to stay here, like this, forever," he murmured, before taking my earlobe in his mouth and grazing his teeth over the plump flesh. "You feel so good..." My muscles clenched around him at his words; I loved it when he spoke to me during these moments. His voice was just as much of a turn-on as his wonderful touch. Breathing raggedly, he began a slow, torturous rhythm, his fingers spreading me open so he could go deeper than before. I clung to him, my nose pressed against his neck and my hands clenched in his hair as he began to pick up speed.

"Don't ever leave," I breathed into his neck. It was something I never wanted to voice; the irrational obsession I had with him that I didn't even allow myself to think about. He tugged my head back, his hand still twisted in my hair. I stared at him through blurry eyes, but I knew every feature of his handsome face, every angle, plane, and crease.

"I need you to look at me," he rasped as he kept up his long, deep thrusts. I couldn't remember another time when he'd been deeper inside me. His brilliant, wise eyes bored into mine and I was caught, pliant in his embrace, my body the perfect complement of his. "I belong to you. Completely. Forever." I felt his hand slide around my hip and slip between our bodies, his fingertips still slick with moisture from both of us. My eyes drifted closed on a moan as his fingers rubbed my clit in tiny, perfect circles.

"Open your eyes, Bella, please…" I did, barely, the sensations and emotions flooding through me nearly stealing my mind. I could see everything: the fear and desperation, the endearing humility, the confidence, and most of all…the love. I knew he was seeing the same in my eyes. I suddenly wanted to be more than the passive partner in this exchange; I wanted him to see how completely I belonged to him, just as he'd claimed he belonged to me. I tugged on his hair and pressed my weight into his chest as I brought my lips to his, rubbing them across his mouth in a soft caress.

"Lie back," I whispered, giving him a gentle smile when he immediately did as I asked. I kissed him once again, our mouths meeting in a lush exchange of soft lips and tongue. Pressing my hands to his chest, I sat astride him, continuing the slow, deep rhythm he'd begun. His hands wandered up to my breasts, palming them firmly, the warm, slightly callused skin teasing my erect nipples. I dragged my hands down his chest and over the firm ridges of his abdomen, letting my nails scrape gently across his skin. His abs flexed and pulled under my hands as his hips met mine.

"I love watching you ride me, watching you take me over and over again." His voice was hoarse with strain and his heavy breathing, and his eyes weren't on mine, but much lower. His jaw was set with tension, an expression I knew meant he was having a hard time holding back. "So fucking beautiful…"

The rest of his words were lost in a moan as I tightened around him, increasing the pace; coming so close to the edge, hovering, but unable to get that last bit of sensation I needed. Never breaking my gaze, I moved my hand from his abdomen to graze my clit with a fingertip, biting my lip to hold back a groan. Edward was the first to break, his eyes going to my hand as I timidly touched myself, gaining confidence when I could see how much he liked it.

"Shit," he breathed, licking his lips as the flush that rode high across his cheeks deepened. His hands slid down to grip my hips, guiding me to an even faster pace, and I could feel the heat building, swirling and gathering low in my belly. I cried out when Edward grasped my wrist and removed my hand, quickly replacing it with his own and resuming his perfect, amazing touch.

"You have no idea how fucking hot it is when you touch yourself for me," he said roughly. "But I _need _to do this tonight. I need to feel you squeeze me and know _I _did that for you." He thrust up harder, hitting that perfect spot deep inside me, and I had to brace my hands on his chest as I shattered, breathing his name. When I couldn't hold myself up any longer, I slumped against him, forcing my arms underneath his shoulders. I hugged him tightly as he gripped me harder, his fingers digging forcefully into my hips. "Oh, God, Bella," he moaned, his thrusts becoming erratic and forceful until he came inside me.

We lay there, wrapped in each other, and it was a while before we were both breathing easily.

I lifted my head from the haven of his neck, propping myself up on my elbow so I could see his face. "Love you," I whispered.

He opened his eyes, all lazy forest green. "Thank you, Bella."

I laughed softly as his lids drifted closed. "For what?"

"For saying yes," he said, regarding me once again with those sleepy sex eyes.

"Don't thank me yet...you may regret it," I warned teasingly. "You're going to have an embarrassing wife, I'm afraid."

"What was that?" he asked, hugging me to him and rolling so he pinned me on my back. "All I heard was _wife_..." Any response I might have come up with was lost as he kissed me, his lips gentle on mine, ever-mindful of my tender mouth. I smiled up at him when he pulled back, still finding it hard to believe that he was mine...forever.

_The good and the bad. The adorable and the annoying...shit. Must not think about that._

Swallowing back my less than blissful thoughts, I did what I do best ― I talked. "When we get around to telling the story of how we got engaged, can we do a little editing, please?"

He smiled that full, crooked grin that melted my heart every time. "You think I'm going to let you off for being so clumsy and ruining my cheesy moment?" he teased.

"You know, I'm just thinking of your protection, ass! Emmett's going to hear it and start cackling that I tried to jump off the cliff because you asked me to marry you!"

His expression was incredulous, as if he hadn't even entertained the thought. "Well, we can't have that, can we? I'm not sure my ego could take it."

I couldn't resist kissing him, loving the way his lips formed around mine softly, gently nibbling and licking at my mouth. When he lifted his head, I studied him at will, tracing my fingertips over his eyebrows and cheeks.

"Be right back," I murmured against his lips before urging him to the side so I could get up. His hands remained on my skin until I was out of reach, like he couldn't bear not to touch me as long as I was within arm's length. Cleaning up was easy since we'd showered before, and I was heading back to bed within minutes. Dawn was breaking, the sky lightening with shades of pastel pink and orange. It was a beautiful contrast to the misty lavender of the pre-dawn light.

As I neared, Edward opened his arms, and I climbed right in to snuggle against him. He traced a fingertip up and down my upper arm, the soft tingle of skin on skin and the steady thump of his heart lulling me nearly to sleep.

"Bella?" he whispered, his voice barely audible.

"Yeah?" I answered sleepily, wiggling in his arms as I tried to snuggle closer.

"I was thinking…after what happened today, we never really know what's going to happen."

"Edward, I promise, I will never hop a guardrail again. Girl Scout's honor."

"It's not just that," he huffed softly, tightening his arms around me. "I just think I – I think _we_ – should go for what we want now, instead of waiting for things to be perfect."

I lifted my head up off his chest in a snap, meeting his eyes and forcing back the stirrings of a major panic. "What are you saying, Edward?" _Holy crap, what the fuck does this mean?_

"Marry me, Bella," he said, his voice full of determined conviction as he watched me with unblinking eyes.

"Silly Edward, I already said yes." I grinned at him, pushing some of the stray hair away from his forehead with one hand. He was still silent, his brows drawing together slightly, and I wondered again what he was thinking. "Edward?"

"I mean, marry me, Bella… Today."

_**YES, PRECIOUS! YES!**_

_Oh, shit. _

* * *

_Hey, if Chris Weitz can do it, so can I, right? You can add your own trademarked KStew gasp if you want._

_So...oops, I did it again..._

_Have a little faith. Have I ever let you down before? Okay, don't answer that. I have a little over 1k done for the next chapter, and I'm working hard on it for you guys. Just try to keep your minds from jumping into the pit of angsty despair, okay?_

_Thanks for reading, reviewing, alerting, everything. Glad you're still on this failboat and haven't switched to the S.S. Flounce. :)_


	36. Playing Hardball

_I don't own _Twilight_. If I did, I think I'd have a fully equipped gym in my mansion - which I'd never use._

_Thanks to EchoesOfTwilight and Karentwilighted for the beta. I think your comments for this one were funnier than the chapter._

_So what's our Bella going to do, guys?_

* * *

**Chapter 36: Playing Hardball**

"Today," I repeated, rearing back to see him more clearly. "Today?" He nodded. "TODAY!"

_**Yes, Bella, today. T-O-D-A-Y. 'T-t-t-t-today, Junior!' **__**  
**__**  
**__Not even _Billy Madison_ quotes were funny when coming from the girls._

"Yes, today, Bella. Why wait? I know what I want, and that's you...forever."

"But Edward...it's so fast. So fast! And what about Charlie? He'll castrate you with his Desert Eagle!" I babbled, my thoughts racing faster than I could process.

_**Oh, GOD, NO! Not the Precious!**__**  
**__**  
**_I ignored them. Though I _was_ extremely fond of the Precious..._ No...not now, Bella! __  
__  
_"I already talked to Charlie about it," he said in that damn calm voice, which was starting to grate on my nerves.

_"What?"_ I literally shrieked. How embarrassing. I was now wide awake, and itching with the need to move. My legs were the worst ― damn restless leg syndrome really _does _exist ― so I sat up, belatedly realizing I was naked when the sheet fell to my lap. Quickly, I brought my knees up to my chest and crossed my arms over them. Edward sat up next to me, giving me a sleepy, knowing smile, and put his hand on my foot.

I felt as if my foot was suddenly a no-no place. He might as well have put his hand right between my legs.

"There's one thing I didn't tell you about my conversation with the Chief in July," he said, rubbing his thumb over my ankle. I could barely contain the shiver that itched at the base of my spine. "I also requested his permission to ask you to be my wife." _  
__  
__Oh, my Lord...how perfectly swoon-worthy and old-fashioned!_ I fell for him even more, which I hadn't thought was possible. Edward had been brave enough to ask the Chief for my hand...

I almost couldn't stand it. But thankfully, some part of my brain remained rational. Marrying here in Hawaii would be taking his blessing too far; I was sure of it.

"Edward, I really don't think he meant that it's okay for us to get married without him there! You know, he probably thought I'd come back with a pretty ring..." I looked down at my left hand. _It really _is_ pretty...__  
__  
__**So sparkly...**_

Jeez. They were like little ravens. Of course, I was just as bad.

"Bella? You all right, there?" he snickered, continuing his voodoo assault on my foot.

"You be quiet. I've got a lot to process here." I scowled at him. "Give you an inch, and you take a mile, Edward! Give a girl a bit of breathing room." Taking a moment, I tried to decipher my scrambled thoughts. "As I was saying, my father probably thinks he's going to get to walk me down the aisle somewhere. And Renee..." Renee would probably be the one person in the world who would get it. The question was, did I have enough of my mother in me to make that leap of faith? "Well, Renee would probably be the first to congratulate us ― after hitting on you just once more for old times' sake."

Edward laughed and put an arm around my shoulders. At least he wasn't molesting my foot anymore ― though I really missed his touch.

"We can always do another little ceremony when we get back. I wouldn't mind promising myself to you forever more than once," he said softly.

_Oh, my God...that might be the sweetest thing he's ever said to me..._

"Just give me one day, Bella. One day to convince you to marry me. If I can't do it, then you know I'll wait however long it takes. But I think this... I think _we_ will work, no matter when we make it official."

"Edward, I..." It was all I could get out, and I was so glad that he _knew_ me and, after today, he would know I was just trying to figure out how to explain. His eyes were so hypnotic, so intense, and I felt like he was literally offering me the world. How could I say no?

"I told you, I know what I want, and I'm trying my hardest to make it happen. I love you, Bella. You're always worried about everything between us being perfect, but why? What's the use? We're still the same Edward and Bella. I'm just your guy, and you're my girl.

"I have one more card to play." He got up and rummaged through his clothes, pulling out his wallet. When he produced a worn, folded piece of paper, I knew instantly what it was. "One date, no questions asked," he murmured, slinking back onto the bed with a smirk.

"Well, I really have no choice then, do I?" I asked with a grin. "I accept your..._proposal._"

"You do?" He was so adorable, and so full of eager excitement. Our families would forgive us, right?

"I do." His eyebrows rose in shock before his face relaxed. I laughed, not missing the significance of the phrase.

"I think you're a tease, Bella Swan." In an instant, I was flat on my back in the bed with his heavy body right on top of mine. "Soon to be Bella Cullen," he whispered, rubbing the tip of his nose along my cheek. I grinned, loving the way my flesh burned where it met his.

"Do I _have_ to change my name? It's such a hassle, you know, with credit cards and Social Secur―mmpf!" I couldn't finish my ribbing as he covered my lips with his, a frustrated growl vibrating against my mouth. "K-kidding," I managed to get out, between his biting kisses and my gasping laughs.

"I'll show you kidding," he threatened, his voice low and rumbly in all the right places. One of his knees pushed between mine, urging me to spread my legs wide. At the same time, a hand brushed slowly over my stomach, heading for the Promised Land.

Oh, yes...those fingers were definitely high on the list of reasons why I should marry this man; though _everything_ paled in comparison to one thing: knowing I owned his heart.

-w-

We both had a clean change of clothes thanks to Edward's terminal preparedness, so we were covered on that end. However, we'd need to go shopping if we wanted to stay here another night.

_Would we stay here another night? _ My stomach was almost ready to fly away with all the butterflies that came with the thought.

_We'd also need to go shopping because I just _might_ need a wedding dress...  
_  
_**We want to stay the night in the Honeymoon Suite...**_

I ignored them again and continued fretting in my head. _When is he going to call his family? Won't they be wondering where we are? Will Alice show up like the scorned wannabe wedding planner from hell and start screaming at me?_ These were all very important questions.

It was still early, and we were finishing breakfast in one of the hotel's restaurants. Edward had left almost five minutes ago, looking for the restroom. The longer he was gone, the more I kept thinking, and that was not a very good thing. I people watched, looked for animals, stared at the prisms my new accessory scattered across the tablecloth, anything I could do to keep from wondering if I'd wake up tomorrow as Mrs. Edward Cullen. The girls made an unidentifiable sound of joy, one that reminded me of fingernails raking down a chalkboard, or one of the velociraptors in _Jurassic Park_. I shivered.

The morning sun's rays shone brightly on the foliage that surrounded the deck. Palms and ferns gave the space a cozy, lush feel without impeding the ocean view beyond. It was all so beautiful, there was no doubt, but my legs bounced nervously as I waited alone at our table, picking at the remains of my fruit from breakfast and staring at the ring that weighed heavily on my finger.

_God damn...this ring is almost prettier than Sex Hair himself..._

"You're still here," Edward teased as he reappeared, startling me out of my ruminations. _Ruminations_, I laughed to myself. _Like my brain is a cow, chewing at the thoughts over and over and over..._

"Did you think I'd leave?"

"The thought crossed my mind, yes. But you know I'd catch you, so don't even try it," he mock-threatened, holding out his hand to help me up.

"You're probably right. I'm not a very fast mover after yesterday." I stretched after standing, my back cracking as if to emphasize my point.

He winced. "Are you still sore?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Why, are you planning another day of hiking?"

"No! Well, not unless you _want_ to go..." he trailed off, rubbing his thumb over my palm as we headed out of the restaurant.

_**Yes, Bella, let's go! Hiking means sex!**_

_It also means more walking and a sore ass, girls. _

"I don't know..." I said, frowning for effect. "I was thinking more along the lines of a morning at the beach." Biting the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning, I pretended to focus on where we were going, which appeared to be back to our cottage.

"We can do anything you want, Bella," he answered, sounding nervous. "I haven't really planned anything...I just want to spend the day making you happy."

Now I felt terrible for teasing him. "Edward," I began as we reached the front lanai, "being with you makes me happy." Suddenly feeling shy, I ducked my head, staring at my toes. It was strange how the simplest and most heartfelt admissions could make me feel so vulnerable. He stopped in front of the door, turning me to face him and looping his arms around my back. I finally got over my little mushy moment and looked up into his face. He was smiling and handsome and literally the best thing in my world.

"I'll spend every day making you happy, Bella, if you'll let me," he said softly. "Every day of forever."

Speechless in the face of his statement, all I could do was return his smile.

-w-

"Have I told you I really like you in this?" he whispered in my ear as he leaned over me. I was lying on my stomach, and we were baking in the sun on padded loungers placed too close to one another. He lightly snapped the back tie of my bathing suit, letting his hand rest there. I'd thought I was being silly when I packed the spare yesterday, as it was a little more frivolous than the practical one I'd worn on the hike. This one was black, strapless, and had too many ties. Edward usually had wandering hands, and measly tied bows at my hips and back would be too tempting for him to resist. We'd been out here for about forty-five minutes, and since the hour was so early, there were only three other people on the stretch of Hamoa Beach that was reserved for hotel guests.

"Three times, I think," I answered smugly. I was lying on my stomach, head resting on my folded arms and turned toward him. My eyes were closed to block out the sun which, I could tell by the sudden darkness behind my lids, was no longer necessary. I opened my eyes, only to find them falling closed again as his lips dropped to my jaw and his breath drifted over my skin in a chuckle. My lids rose again and, when my eyes adjusted, I admired the view of his bare chest and lower.

"You look gorgeous," was his only reply ― other than another slow, tingling kiss on my neck that might have appeared chaste, but felt so, so dirty, in a very good way. He backed away with a smile, mirroring my position. Our bodies were still only inches away from one another, and I could smell the scent of the sunblock rising from his skin again. Who knew SPF 120 could smell so good on a man?

"Thank you," I said coyly, playing along. I was ninety-nine percent sure what would come out of his mouth next, so I decided to call him on it. "And I'm not untying my top."

"You think I'd ask you to do that here?" he asked incredulously, pushing himself up on an elbow as he reached out to toy with the tie, his actions completely contradicting his words.

"Yes," I replied bluntly, laughing.

"Well, you wouldn't have any tan lines..." Another snap of the bathing suit followed his statement, and this time he was much closer to untying it then he had been the first time.

"Stop it!" Laughing harder, I tried to roll onto my back to get away, but his fingers caught one end and my own motion untied the top. My laugh turned to an embarrassingly loud yelp of surprise. Edward actually pouted when I managed to keep the top in place by some miracle of my usually slow and clumsy reflexes. I would have taken a swing at him, if my hands weren't keeping the Twins covered.

_**Those little hussies...always wanting to show off, **_the girls grumbled.

As if it wasn't enough that, thanks to Edward, I was now calling my boobs "the Twins," the girls were pretty snappy this morning.

"Ooops." His tone oozed smugness and that damn effortless charm, and if I wasn't so busy scanning the beach to make sure no one had seen, I would have really started in on him. I was relieved to find that no one was staring. Then again, it was a late response on my part, so they all had plenty of time to avert their eyes. Awkwardly rolling back onto my stomach, I finally turned my glare on him. The Tractor Beam was at full strength, but I refused to fall prey to his tricks.

"Tie it back," I huffed, turning my face away from him. When I didn't immediately feel his hands complying, I got a little angry. "Now, Buttercup!" I was a bit louder this time, and again I cursed myself for being so damn conspicuous.

"Fine," he pouted, making sure to graze my skin as much as possible as he did as I demanded. "Promise me you'll wear this if we go hiking again."

"No!"

"That would be even better," he said slyly, urging me to turn my head back toward him when he finished. "Just wear regular clothes. We'll skinny dip."

I turned red, and it wasn't just from the sun. "_You_, mister, have a one-track mind. Stop trying to get me to go on your sexy-time hikes."

"In that case, we could stay in..."

"Stop it with the voodoo, Edward." I braced my elbows underneath me so he wasn't looming overhead.

"What voodoo?"

"_The voodoo that you do," _I quoted, starting to laugh.

"You like it."

"So sure of yourself," I whispered, flicking at an imaginary grain of sand on my chaise.

He leaned closer. "I think I can prove it." I looked up at him, and my lips collided with his, my eyelids fluttering closed. He was gentler than I'd anticipated, and I could feel warmth bloom in my chest before it sank deep in my hips. His hand settled low on my back as his tongue stroked softly over my lower lip. I sighed, parting my lips, and he took full advantage, deepening the kiss. The soft little hum that I loved rumbled in the back of his throat, the sound going straight to all the right places, tingles prickling in its wake.

I pulled back, gasping when I realized I'd pushed him to his back and was lying half on top of him. "You're dangerous," I said, my voice actually a little hoarse. "And you're right. I sort of love your voodoo. I sort of love you, too."

"Only 'sort of?'" His hand shot up to my neck, pulling me down for another kiss that was quick and hot and wet.

"Okay, a lot," I sighed, resting my head on his chest and hiding my face. "A whole lot."

"How much?" He was laughing softly, and the vibrations against my cheek made me smile. "More than chocolate?"

"Definitely. No contest."

"More than coffee?" God, he was so cute.

"Of course," I laughed, sitting up. My reasons for doing so were twofold: one, being so close to him was making me just itch to climb all the way on top of him, other people be damned. Two, it was getting hot and sticky in the sun, and it wasn't very sexy when I was sweating all over him.

He grabbed my hand, playfully toying with my fingers. "More than gyros?"

I pretended to consider. "Oh, Edward, I don't know. I _really _love those."

He growled, scowling quite realistically, and I hopped backwards off of the chaise, my bare feet sinking into the hot sand.

"Remember what I said about running," he said darkly, and I grinned in response to his threat.

"Then catch me," I taunted, spinning around and taking off for the water.

He caught up with me just as I hit the water, which surprised me ― I lasted much longer than I thought. Bending low, his arms came around my hips like he was the freaking Hulk, doing very nice things for my lady parts.

_**Bella, he's squishing us!**__**  
**__**  
**__You can take it, girls. _I didn't care what they said because I was suddenly occupying space much higher than usual and he was bounding into the waves. My hands locked onto his forearms with all the strength I had, because some of those suckers looked _huge._ The water, however, was pleasant on my overheated skin, and I trusted Edward to look after me. I was almost embarrassed at admitting to myself that I needed a babysitter, but it was the awful truth. My name should have been Murphy. After Murphy's Law, not Murphy Brown.

When we reached the spot past the initial crash of waves, where they came in swells that dipped up and down, he let me slide down the front of his body.

"Caught you," he said in my ear.

I whirled around, both of us treading water as we faced each other. Water dripped onto my lips when I shoved stray hair back from my forehead, and I grimaced. No matter how many times I got in the ocean, I was never quite prepared for the bitter, salty flavor.

Without warning, Edward grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him. His lips met mine as he closed his fingers on my hip, encouraging me to wrap my legs about his waist. He held me close as we bobbed and floated on the ocean swells, kicking his feet lazily to keep us afloat and in the same spot. I shut my eyes and clenched my fingers at his shoulders, glad for my tight grip when I felt the light scrape of his teeth on my lip. Then he was licking at my mouth, and I opened to him just as the first of a large set of waves swelled underneath us. The dramatic change in height matched the dip my heart took as tongue played with mine and his fingers dug into my hips.

I was dizzy after the last wave passed, and not just because of the large swells. Edward finally pulled away, and I opened blurry eyes to find him licking his lips. They looked swollen, and held a hint of darker color similar to his sun-warmed cheeks and forehead.

"Salty," he said with a smirk, and I splashed him in the face. I admit, the splash was quite a bit bigger than I'd intended, and I tried not to smile through my apology as he sputtered in protest.

"Sorry!" I shrugged, as much as I could in the water, anyway. "Clumsy."

"Excuses, excuses," he sighed, holding me too close to splash him. He was pulling me in for another kiss, and as much as I'd enjoyed the previous one, we couldn't keep making out in public. The beachfront was growing more crowded, and I couldn't fully concentrate on Edward when I was afraid we were being watched.

I turned my head so his lips grazed my cheek as I spoke at his ear. "Stop it, I think there are kids here now." His groan was loud as he kissed his way over my cheek.

"Now do you see why it's better to hike to out of the way places?" he complained, diving right back in for my lips, and I let him kiss me. He kept it short, a sweet, tender press of lips, and I could feel his smile against mine. "But, we don't have to be alone to have fun."

"You are not doing anything to me out here!" I protested, and he laughed in my face.

"Stop thinking such dirty thoughts, my pretty little pervert. Let's swim!" I gasped as he tugged me closer to the shore, intent on riding a wave with me back to the sand.

_**He sure has you pegged.**__  
__  
__Me? He has ME pegged? You two are the perverts.__  
__  
__**We do live in your body, Bella. **__  
__  
__Oh, Mother of God...__  
__  
_I started to panic a little as we reached the rougher surf, well aware of the power behind the waves.

"It's okay, Bella," he said as he eyed a set of waves that were starting to take shape in the distance. "Pretend I'm your boogie board." He patted his back and smirked at me, the burst of heat I felt at his smile helping to bolster my courage. I hopped on his back, digging my fingers into his shoulders and pressing my face into his hair.

"I like breathing, Cullen," I said nervously, hoping he didn't notice the trembling in my voice. "Please keep us above water."

"We're going to be fine," he said confidently, and I sort of wanted to shake him. "You're going to help me. You see that set coming in?"

I looked back distractedly. "Yeah. It looks big."

"We're going to ride the last swell in."

"WHAT? No! It's too big. It's huge!" Edward snorted at that, and I snapped, "Don't you _dare_ make a 'that's what she said' joke."

He really started laughing then. "I'm not the one who went there," he said smugly. "Now, we're going to do this together. You tell me when to start swimming. I trust you."

"You have a death wish." Oh, God. This was going to end badly, I just knew it.

"Hurry, Bella," he just said with a smile. "And hang on tight."

"Shitshitshit," I muttered as I eyed the coming waves, my heart leaping into my throat as they neared and grew larger. "Okay, here's the first one!"

"How many?" he yelled back, keeping his eyes on the beach as we dipped up and down. _How the hell can he trust me with this?_

"Three!" I yelled, just as the second one reached us. "That's two! I think you should go!" I started to panic, digging my fingers into the swells of his shoulders. It was all I could do to remind myself that he needed air, and locking my arms around his neck would probably lead to both of us drowning. He started swimming like he was a freaking fish, and somehow, we timed it perfectly. I laughed loudly as we rode the top of the wave most of the way to the beach, only slowing by some miracle of God (or Edward) as it broke near the shore.

"You make a good boogie board, Buttercup."

"I told you we could do it," he said breathlessly as we drifted to shore in sand and fizzy foam. We _did_ do it! "We've just got to have a little faith in each other."

_How does he do it?_ I thought as he kissed me softly, pulling back to laugh. "Kissing in the breaking surf...how cheesy movie of us," he said, hopping to his feet and tugging me up with him.

"It really is," I agreed with a sly smile. "You're the Kraft Mac and Cheese of fiances."

"The Cheesiest?" he returned drolly, arching a brow at me.

"The one and only," I whispered.

"_Your_ one and only."

Blinking up at him, I let him see. "Yes."

I pointed back toward the waves. "That was so much fun. I wonder if that's what it's like to ride a dolphin," I said, more to myself than to him, but he responded anyway.

"Well, we'll have to do that someday, so you can compare. I'm sure that riding _me_ is much better, however." The last part was a growl in my ear, low and deep, as we headed back out to ride some more waves.

I was sure too. So were the girls.

We stayed in the water, playing in the surf until we were both tired and starting to feel a little pink in the cheeks, before we headed back to dry ourselves and gather our things. We were quiet as we drove back to the hotel. I was glad for the Volvo, as it was much better than riding a hotel shuttle bus packed with strangers.

My face was sore from smiling, and I still couldn't keep the goofy grin off my face. So I hid, staring out the window for long moments, and he let me. He knew exactly what I was doing. Around Edward, I didn't have to be anyone else. I didn't have to play the role of friendly chick who pours drinks, or be the good daughter who enjoyed her solitude and didn't want to disappoint her parents. Our silence was comfortable, natural, and easy. When we reached the lot at the cottage, he watched me with hooded, cloudy eyes as I grabbed the tote bag from the small back seat. I almost fell back inside the car, because that stare nearly knocked my knees right out from under me.

_He's not even going to need a full twenty-four hours to convince me at this rate..._

"Let's get inside and get the salt off of us," he said, hooking an arm around my shoulders. He gently rubbed his palm down my arm, and the tiny salt crystals that clung to me made my skin tingle as they scraped over me. As we walked through the dappled sunlight up to the door, the salty residue that stuck to both of us made our skin sparkle in the patches of light.

He yanked at the bag when we were still in the entryway, letting it fall to the tile floor with a thump as the door swung closed. His head bent swiftly, lips covering mine in a warm, wet second. Salt and sweat and Edward filled my mouth as he backed me to the bathroom, his hands guiding me with hard fingers at my hips. Of course, I caught a heel on an ottoman that I swear hadn't been there when we left, but he responded by swinging me up into his arms and stalking to the bedroom suite, heading straight for the shower. His mouth never left mine. He was in the air I breathed, the ground beneath me, in the sky above me. Most importantly, his arms were around me and he wasn't going anywhere. He claimed he wanted me forever, and I'd never wanted anything more in my life.

My damp shorts hit the floor seconds after he set me on my feet, even before he reached past me to turn on the water. I stripped my t-shirt off as he turned back to me, catching and reveling in the way his eyes flared when he saw me standing before him in my bathing suit. Both hands came up to hold my face, tipping my head up for his kiss. My skin pebbled with goose bumps as he drew one hand down the midline of my body, his tongue tracing the seam of my lips as he suddenly detoured to pull on the bow of thin black string at my hip. A similar tug at the other side, and the bottoms were gone. His hand moved to rest at the small of my back as he stepped closer, his tongue slipping into my mouth with a sureness that sent me reeling. Slowly, he explored every inch of my spine with his fingertips until he reached the tie between my shoulder blades. Taking his time, he toyed with the material, slipping his whole hand underneath and pulling it taut and away from my skin.

I clenched one hand in his hair and clung to his shoulder with the other, needing to hold myself up in the force of what he made me feel. Surely this was what people came together for, the type of love that people would lie, cheat, and steal for. And he was offering it to me forever.

That was the reason I stopped. As Edward tugged at the ties of my top, sending it falling to the floor, I stepped back, waiting for him to open his eyes.

"We should wait, Edward," I said, my voice almost swallowed by the rush of the shower.

"Why?" His response was equally as soft, his eyes warming and matching his tone.

"Can I tell you later? Just...let's wait, Edward," I hedged, begging him with my eyes to just drop it.

He smiled; a beautiful curve of his lips that was DaVinci-like in its mystery, and I couldn't help but smile nervously. I didn't know what he saw right then, but he obviously seemed pleased. "Anything for you, Bella."

-w-

Calling my father was inevitable, so I decided to just get it out of the way while Edward ordered us some lunch from room service. We were both showered, and not a little sexually frustrated. That situation wasn't going to get much better as the day went by, so I was better off with this behind me.

For some reason, I found it much easier to call the Chief than Renee. Maybe it was because I knew she would forgive me for eloping without telling her. Charlie, however, held a grudge like a dog with a bone, and he would gnaw away at it like a beaver with big, ugly yellow teeth. He'd never let Edward forget this if I didn't tell him.

Charlie was silent for much of the conversation, and I was truly terrified by the time he finally spoke. I couldn't even remember everything I'd told him, but I was well aware of my tendency to babble when nervous. My propensity for word vomit was a dangerous thing when it came to my father.

_"Bella..."_ he huffed, and it was one that told me he'd come to a decision. _"I meant what I said when I gave Edward my blessing."_ He paused, and I could just imagine his mustache twitching. _"You do what you have to do, Bells."_

"Oh, Dad. I don't know what to do." I made sure my voice was hushed, because I didn't want Edward to overhear in the next room.

_"Let me just say one thing."_

"Okay." My heart was beating out of control with the fact that Charlie just might be okay with this...

_"If you two come back here married...I'm going to give Edward some hell, and you're going to let me have my fun for a little while."_

"Dad! How long?" I demanded, my shock rising by the instant.

_"A couple months, at least."__  
__  
_"WHAT?" I shrieked, bringing Edward running to the door. I only heard him knock once before he popped his head in. I tried to smile reassuringly, waving him off and giving him the signal for five more minutes. He frowned and I could tell he wasn't happy, but finally he nodded and shut the door with a quiet click. "I'm sorry, Dad, did you say _two months?_ Let's get real here. Two days."

_"A month,"_ he bargained. Wow. He was really playing hardball. I didn't expect my dad to go all Chris Matthews on me.

"Dad," I whined. "I don't even know what I'm doing yet! I don't even think his family knows what he's planning. A week, Dad, tops."

_"Bells,"_ he said, laughing, _"Even _I_ think you want to marry your messy-haired boyfriend."_

"Fiance," I interrupted.

_"See? I knew it was coming, just not this fast. You're my daughter, and I know how much you stew about things ― you're like your old man in that way. I think you'll make the best decision for yourself, and I don't want you worrying about your mother and I. You've done too much of that in your life._

_"I like to think you're the best of both of us, Isabella Marie. Stop being afraid of what _might_ happen. I wasted too many years doing that, and I can tell you for sure it doesn't work."_

I couldn't remember a time when I'd heard Charlie utter so many words in a row. "Wow, Dad, I―"

_"But I repeat―" _he interrupted,_ "if you two come back married, I get two weeks to haze him. And that's final."_

Edward could handle a couple weeks of verbal jabs, Egbert incidents, and intimidation, right? Charlie wouldn't actually harm him...I hoped. Plus, we didn't even live in the same city. He'd have to harass Edward by phone.

_**As long as he leaves the Precious alone...**_

"One week, Dad. _IF_ we come back married." I wouldn't be Charlie's kid if I didn't try to haggle with him one more time.

_"Boy, you sure are my daughter, Bells. I'd be mad if I wasn't so proud that you paid attention when I took you to those swap meets with me when you were little."_ He paused for a long moment, and my mouth began to grow dry and I worried that my phone had dropped the call. _"Okay. One week...sure thing, Bells,"_ he laughed, and I knew that smug tone. It was Charlie's "know-it-all" chuckle. The one that made him sound like he should be asking for my license and registration while wearing a pair of mirrored cop sunglasses. 

_"You go have fun with your guy, and tell him I said he better take good care of you,"_ he said gruffly. Good thing Edward and I had decided not to tell anyone about the cliff incident. Charlie's head might explode if he knew. _"I love you, Bella."_

"I love you, too, Dad," I said, the words tight in my aching throat. It was hard to swallow as I ended the call, heading for the living area to find Edward.

_Holy crap. Am I really going to do this?_

I found him sprawled on the sectional, messing with his laptop that rested on the coffee table. I had no idea he'd even brought it ― the man really was prepared for everything. He looked up as I entered the room, frowning as he patted the leather next to him.

"Everything okay?" he asked, hugging me tightly as I sank into the couch. We both lay on our sides, my back against his chest, his chin resting on top of my head. As we settled, the opening words to _Spaceballs_ started scrolling across the screen of his computer, and I laughed.

"Yeah," I said softly. "It really is."

He was my Lone Starr, and I was his Princess Vespa. Why fight the inevitable? _  
_  
What would Yogurt do? Yogurt would tell me to look inside myself for the Schwartz. Did I have enough Schwartz in me to ask Edward to take me shopping for a dress...for a wedding?

_Am I seriously comparing myself to a character in a parody of _Star Wars?

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I think we should go shopping." He raised up behind me, pushing my shoulder down so he could see me.

"Shopping for what?" His voice was quiet, and a hopeful smile flirted with his lips.

I took a deep breath, stalling so I could gather my guts. "I think I need a dress."

* * *

_A/N: Aww, they're just so darn cute. Thanks to all who read, alert, favorite, and review. I am utter fail at replying, as always, but you can catch me on twitter sometimes. Same username: araeo. And if you've followed me but I don't follow you back, tweet me something (if you even tweet - I know some of you are lurkers to the core :) and I'll return the favor. I know, I'm so lazy, aren't I? __  
__  
__Are you all reading the entries for the There Will Be Blood contest? Vamps, blood, and sex...what's not to like? The name makes me think of Daniel Day-Lewis (you know, that oil movie) but not in that role...in _Last of the Mohicans_. Yum. __  
__  
__I'm working on chapter 37, so I'll try to keep this update thing somewhat regular. I can't be exact all the time...this IS a fic featuring ovaries. _


	37. Sybil Lives Here

_I don't own Twilight. I do own a short fuse and a full bottle of prosecco at the moment._

_Hi, all. Happy Eclipse day. This chapter brought to you by NYC, the Jersey Shore, and Grey Goose._

_Many thanks to karentwilighted and EchoesOfTwilight for beta work and advice._

_So...here you go._

_And, if anyone wants to meet us for the 3am showing of Eclipse at the AMC in Lincoln Square (NYC) tonight, close this window and get on the subway, get in your car, put on your running shoes...whatever. DO IT.  
_

* * *

**-Chapter 37: Sybil Lives Here-**

"Bella," he said, his voice cracking. "Does that mean what I think it does?" His eyes were intense, pinning me in place with a stare that was almost unnerving.

"Maybe?" _Please...don't make me say it out loud just yet_.

Evidently, he was satisfied, because he swiftly bent his head to cover my mouth with his. He settled against me, pushing me deeper into the cushions as he urged me to part my lips. I wrapped my arms around his waist, moaning into his mouth as he nudged his hips against my thigh. My fingers dug into the groove of his spine, and I had the fleeting thought that Hawaii was the best place in the world, because the climate allowed Edward to go shirtless much of the time. I wished Edward could be shirtless forever.

Forever...that's what he was asking me for. And here we were, making out like a couple of teenagers on the basement couch, when we needed to be having a serious discussion.

After a few more electrifying kisses, I managed to pry his mouth from mine. My hands were on either side of his cheeks, and I almost forgot my purpose when he raised his lids, revealing his hot green eyes.

"There are some things we should talk about if we're going to do this."

He smiled playfully at me. "Love, we've done_ this_ plenty of times. Though I'd be happy to give a simultaneous anatomical discussion," he trailed off, dipping his head to drag his lips across my jawline.

"I'm not talking about sex, Dr. Cullen," I returned, unable to help my smile at his persistence.

"Damn," he whispered, going limp above me for a few moments. Finally, he sat up, bringing me with him. We faced each other on the couch, and I grabbed his hand.

Swallowing past the huge knot in my throat, I barged on. "I'm not saying that you're definitely going to start..." I paused, unsure of my word choice. "If you ever start...drinking again, please don't hide it from me. I want us to be open with each other. If something like that ever happens, we can't turn away from one another." Blinking rapidly to cool my burning eyes, I scrubbed my free hand over my face, reeling at the events of the last twenty-four hours. I felt like I'd ridden the emotional roller-coaster a few too many times. My lips were still heated with sensitive tingles from his kisses, yet I was holding back tears and a good dose of fear.

"I'm not saying that I'll enable you... Oh, hell! I don't know what the fuck I'm saying." A couple tears fell and I dashed them away. "But don't be worried you'll lose me. If it happens. Not that it's going to. Ugh, I'll shut up now," I finished.

"I appreciate that you trust me enough to talk with me about this. While I _can_ tell you I have no plans of ever drinking again, I know I won't ever be completely 'cured.' But whatever happens, I'll always fight my hardest to keep what you and I have. You've given me so much, and I can't go back to the way I was before you. I don't want to.

"I remember being so damn scared that morning at the bakery," he said softly, looking down at our hands for a minute before continuing, raising his eyes back to mine. "That moment before I told you the truth was like the last moment of my life. There I was, hanging myself out there with plenty of rope, hoping you wouldn't run for the hills, and I almost couldn't do it. But you deserved honesty, and I needed to give it. You give me everything, Bella, and I'll stop at nothing to do the same for you.

"I know this disease has the potential to ruin my life...and yours, if you choose to spend it with me. But I also know this: I'm not going to let it. I'm going to hang on to what I have ― hang on to _you_ ― with everything I've got."

"It doesn't matter, anyway, does it? We'll work through it together. You never have to hide anything from me."

"Exactly."

I couldn't take much more of this heart-to-heart stuff. "Okay," I said, drawing out the word like an idiot. "Enough. Let's get out of here. I've got a purchase to make."

He smiled in relief, and I got the feeling that it would be better for both of us if we just tried not to think so hard.

-w-

"You've already seen me naked today ― more than once. You're not going to see this dress until later," I insisted in a low voice. I was trying to be firm as we stood on the narrow sidewalk outside one of the town's shops.

"What, you don't need someone to pick out your clothes for you?" he asked with a smirk.

"That's exactly right." I crossed my arms over my chest for effect. His eyes lit up with wicked glee, belatedly cluing me in to the view with which I'd inadvertently provided him. I moved my arms lower, closer to my waist. "When I shop, I don't screw around. I don't usually try stuff on, and I want to get away as fast as possible. I don't need any help."

"Thank God," he said, exaggerating his relief. "I'm so glad you don't need a sidekick like Alice does."

I laughed, reaching up on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek. "Go buy me something pretty. Or get something to eat. Whichever," I whispered in his ear.

"And the difficult decisions begin," he sighed. "Which one does she mean?" He was pretending to talk to himself. I was tempted to roll my eyes at his overly-dramatic goofiness, which I secretly found funny. There wasn't much about Edward that I didn't like.

"Give me an hour?"

"No problem...Biff." The last part was under his breath, but meant for me to hear.

"See you then, Buttercup," I said, smacking his butt as I breezed past him and into the air-conditioned bliss of the store.

Sixty minutes and about four hundred dollars on the Amex later, I had a few days' worth of new clothes and one very important dress. I was extremely happy with my find, and I hoped Edward would be as well. The only problem was the three packed sacks of impulse buys I now lugged with me. Damn salesperson...though I suppose I was an easy sale, since I really only had the clothes on my back with me, and that horrible, curvy road was between me and the rest of my vacation wardrobe.

Edward was standing against the Volvo on the other side of the street, his phone glued to his ear. I took a moment to observe him as I approached, really liking the way he looked in sunglasses. We had sunny days in Seattle, but not nearly enough to satisfy my need for eye-candy Edward in those shades. Finally, he looked up, catching sight of me. Quickly ending the call, he held out a hand for the sacks.

"Whoa," Edward said, giving me a knowing smile. "Maybe you _do_ need a babysitter."

"You be quiet. I started thinking about that road between me and my clothes, and I can rationalize staying here longer if I have more stuff to wear," I explained, not sure if I was trying to convince him or myself. I followed him to the trunk, laughing when I saw what was already inside.

"I know, I know," he said, shoving two equally-full bags to the side. "Pot, meet kettle." He quickly stuffed the bags in the trunk, which could literally hold nothing more, and I went around to lay the garment bag that held my dress in the back seat. "What's this?" he asked as we got in the car to begin the drive back to the cottage, jerking his thumb behind us.

"You know what it is, dork. And you're not seeing it until I put it on. I'd make you wait longer if I could, but flasher-style trenchcoats are in short supply in the rainforest."

"Does that mean it's short?" he asked hopefully, taking a sharp curve and testing the mettle of my seatbelt.

"Take it easy, Helio," I said nervously, grabbing the dashboard for balance. "And I'm not answering your question. You'll see it soon enough."

"Fine," he huffed, a little smile on his face.

When we got back to the hotel, he helped me carry everything inside, dropping all the bags off in the bedroom.

"I'll leave you to unpack all our bounty, woman," he said lowly, catching me around the waist in a warm hug. "I have a few more things to do. Meet me by the torches at sunset?"

He released me, and I caught sight of the clock on the nightstand. "Okay," I answered with a little grin. "Should I wear my dress?"

"Definitely." His face was eager and happy and wicked and I just wanted to kiss him and never stop. He started for the door, but I called him back.

"Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"What time is sunset?"

-w-

I didn't have much time to prepare myself, but truthfully, I preferred it that way. It gave me no time to think. I didn't have time to doubt, worry, or ruminate. Twilight was fast approaching, and I stood frozen just in the shadow of the spa's outbuilding. The sky was still blue in the seconds just after sundown, and the clouds were candied with lavender and pink that glowed against their darkening canvas. My hands shook so badly that I could actually hear the flowers vibrating in my MacGuyver-ed bouquet ― which consisted of my hairbrush, three real flower leis from the gift shop refrigerator case, and a lot of scotch tape and bobby pins. I was impressed with my efforts, which had yielded a very pretty fall of small plum and white orchids and bright yellow plumeria, but if I wasn't careful, I'd shake the damn thing apart.

I could see him, but he didn't know I was there yet. He stood close to where the four stone-columned torches met, talking with two people I didn't recognize. One, a stout woman with coffee-colored skin, wore robes the color of rich saffron, which was made even brighter with a white satin stole.

_**We're getting married by a girl? We approve of this, Bella.**_

Of course they did.

I thought I recognized the man that had been manning the front desk earlier, and his eyes flicked to mine in greeting, letting Edward know there was someone behind him. He turned with a smile, making my stomach join the girls in their gold medal worthy floor routine somewhere behind my intestines. My heart was still there ― the frantic thumping making a racket that drowned out everything else. I started forward and, for once in my life, I was graceful. It felt like I gravitated across the ground. Appropriate, perhaps, because he was definitely pulling me in. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the other two people go and stand where the two stone paths met, directly in front of the torches a few yards away. He took two big strides to meet me, reaching out to grasp my hands.

"You look..." he paused, letting out a huge sigh, and then he laughed, shaking his head. Then he was hugging me to his chest, his arms wrapping around my back as he pressed a soft kiss to my temple. "You look beautiful," he whispered.

"Thank you," I mumbled into his chest, a little embarrassed by his compliment, but enjoying it nonetheless. I took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of him in a bolstering little sniff. That's what he'd reduced me to...huffing Eau de Edward in little 'bumps' like I was an addict. "You look pretty, too," I finally said, pulling back to smile up at him. He was gorgeous as always, in another light-colored shirt rolled up over his forearms, and more khakis. These were cut in a slimmer fit than the others, and I certainly appreciated the view.

_Oh, yes, he's definitely intoxicating. He always breaks my filter... _

He snorted, making me giggle, and then we both looked like idiots. "Thanks," he said dryly, pushing a lock of hair back over my shoulder. His hand rested warmly on my bare skin, long enough to make my nerves hum with excitement, and then he trailed his fingers down my arm and linked them with mine, squeezing softly.

"I love you, you know." I squeezed back, lifting his hand and kissing it quickly.

"Good. Because I love you, too." He dropped a quick kiss on my lips, and it wasn't nearly long enough. I forced myself to look around, trying to keep my brain busy so I didn't drag him into the bushes.

_**No, Bella! We are making this legal, and we're doing it now!**__**  
**__**  
**_They really needed to stay out of this. Prudes.

Finally realizing no one from his family was here, I asked, "You didn't tell them?"

"I called my parents, but since Charlie can't be here, I thought we should do this alone... We can let this be just for the two of us ― exactly how we want it, without any interference from anyone else."

"Are they mad?" Oh, God, this could be really bad.

He laughed, pulling me into his side as we turned to walk toward the torches that stood taller than he did. "No, Bella. Though they did say I'm the one who has to break it to Alice."

"Oooh, ouch," I winced. "Better you than me."

"Thanks for the support," he said sarcastically.

"I'll help you tell Alice, if you help me tell Renee."

"I was _expecting _your help with that. Don't act like you're so magnanimous."

I froze in my tracks, jerking Edward to a stop. "Wait a minute."

"What?" His tone was anxious, though his face didn't show it.

"Did you just use the word 'magnanimous' in a sentence?"

"Yes?" he answered uncertainly. "Why?"

_Holy cow...his vocabulary...that voice...my lady parts... What was I saying?_

"Don't act like you don't know that big words are like porn to me," I whispered, in what I hoped was a voice no one else could hear.

"I seem to remember something about that," he admitted as we started walking again, heading to stand in front of the officiant. I caught the tail end of his smirk, and I couldn't resist smiling back. Every time I thought I couldn't love him any more, he proved me wrong.

Getting married involved lots of paperwork. This, I remembered. The actual wedding was a different story. It wasn't like I didn't _remember_ it, but it was blurry. I just remembered the nerves and the way it was so hard to speak above a whisper. I remembered being amazed that I wasn't crying, until I saw the little trembling at the corner of his mouth.

"Don't you do it," I'd mouthed at him, knowing if he cried, so would I, and he hated it when I cried. His hands had been stiff and a little clammy in mine, and I'd squeezed them in reassurance. But most of all, I remembered his smile when he'd leaned in to kiss me for the first time as my husband.

His face was so open, his smile so free and relaxed and joyful. He was the epitome of happiness, and in that moment, I was too. It felt very, very good to be Mrs. Cullen.

_**We're so proud of you, Bella. Now we won't have to birth bastard children.**_

Poor girls...they just didn't know when they were beaten. And while I couldn't rule out children in the future (the very, very distant future) on my own anymore, there would definitely be no babies for the next nine months at least. Because there was one more thing I'd remember about that night ― my period.

My brilliant idea to skip the placebo week of pills didn't quite work. Instead of my dream sex-filled honeymoon, I got a week more of hiking, swimming, and outdoorsy Edward things ― minus the usual illicit sex. We even rode bicycles down Mount Haleakala and posed for stupid, silly pictures on our bikes halfway down ― at the group leader's insistence that the "Honeymooners" needed some photo ops.

It wasn't nearly as fun. We laughed, and as usual, I had a great time because we were together, but there was only so much hiking I could do without the added...incentive. And it didn't escape my notice that Edward hadn't hesitated to call me his wife in front of the other tourists, but we still hadn't told Alice and Jasper. Though, the more I thought about it, I didn't exactly mind, since I really didn't want to deal with the fallout when Mount Alice blew her top.

Two days after the wedding ― two blissfully relaxing, incredibly sexually frustrating days ― we rejoined the rest of the Cullens, minus Meat Sweats and Rose, in Wailea. I drove the whole way, and managed to avoid getting sick. Edward complained and teased me for most of the drive, until I'd had enough and yelled at him about three-quarters of the way back. After that, we were both scowling, tense, and silent. I had a headache and needed the restroom, so a break from the road was our best option. We still had far enough to go that I didn't want to spend that much time fighting, but we were getting closer to Wailea, and the population increased as the land straightened out along the coast and the rainforest thinned. I pulled over at the next place that looked promising: a little trailhead and park with an air-conditioned store that had restrooms.

After taking care of our separate business, we met back up at one of two little picnic tables near the store. I sat on one of the long benches, smiling a little at all the carvings in the wood made smooth and shiny with time and...well...human butts. It reminded me of the parks of my childhood, when I'd always sort of wished a boy would carve my name on a picnic table ― as long as he wasn't calling me a slut or something bad like that.

The tables were covered with names, old and new, and they were decorated with lots and lots of hearts that enclosed what I assumed were lovers' names. Edward's shadow fell over me as he approached, and he held out a cold water bottle that was wet with condensation.

"Thanks," I said, squinting up at him through my sunglasses. He sat next to me, making it easier for me to see his face without the sun directly behind him. "I'm sorry I yelled."

"Uh...yeah. I'm sorry I wouldn't shut up. So, um...I accept?" he babbled sheepishly, and it reminded me of...me.

I grinned at him. "I accept, too. And I'll try not to do it again."

"Me too," he pledged. "Not _much,_ anyway." I laughed at him, playfully smacking his leg. He grabbed my hand, yanking me toward him and planting his mouth on mine. I'm sure we made a spectacle there on the bench, and I had to keep myself from crawling into his lap. We left about twenty minutes later...after Edward neatly carved our initials into a tiny bare spot in the wood.

I didn't even have to ask him to do it. That's how well he knew me.

So why was it still so hard to stop wondering what would happen once we got back to our real lives?

-w-

When we returned to Seattle a week later, both of us were tired, cranky, and more than a little frustrated with each other. Edward was pissy with me because we still hadn't had sex since we got married, and not without a lot of effort on his part. I was angry with him because he was mad at me. It was also an excuse to put off acknowledging the impulsive thing we'd done, despite how little a formality the actual consummation was ― considering the number of times we'd done the deed beforehand.

_**Don't call the Precious "little!"**_

God forbid. It wasn't true, anyway. Not that I'd ever measured it or anything. I knew it felt damn good, and that's all that mattered. I was pretty fucking happy with it. _Wait, why have we stopped having sex again?_ _Oh, yes, my goddamn period...and my own stupidity._

The coast had been clear for a couple of days, but I was acting too stupid to live. I kept putting him off, and bribing him with other sexual favors, enraging the girls in the process. They accused me of sharing the same view of sex as Bill Clinton.

_**Putting it in your mouth is sex too, Bella. You're still having "sexual relations" with that man, so you might as well "feel our pain," and get to the main event.**_

I didn't know why I was feeling so weird about married sex. Though, if I was honest with myself, it wasn't all about "married" sex...it was about making this whole thing _real_, in every way. And I was afraid.

The car was quiet as Edward paid the exorbitant fee for parking in the terminal garage, though I had to admit, being able to walk straight to the car without riding a series of packed buses to economy parking was very convenient. He didn't seem inclined to break our silence as he drove, and I was content to let him watch the road, since we'd brought rain to the Seattle area, apparently. Like any time I left the state, the sun had shined brightly every day I was gone.

It was dark and humid in the car, which only amplified my already frayed nerves. I was on my way to giving myself a stomachache, so I forced myself to close my eyes for the rest of the way. I hadn't slept much on the plane, and I really was exhausted from the long flight. A few times, I felt his eyes on me, but I never could catch him in the act. But I knew he was watching.

I was surprised to suddenly find Edward leaning over me to unbuckle my seatbelt. The car was already parked and he was pulling me from my seat, not really even giving me the option to walk. He left all our luggage in the trunk, only grabbing me and his keys. Too sleepy to argue, I relaxed and let him try to give himself a hernia. In the elevator, he adjusted me so I could wrap my legs around his waist and support myself a little. I kept my arms wrapped around his shoulders and rested my head in the crook of his neck.

He hadn't moved very far into the elevator car, and I could feel the cold doors behind my back. It wasn't obvious; he wasn't pressing me against them, but he was just letting me know he could. I wanted him to.

He shifted me slightly as the doors slid open on his floor, and I couldn't help squirming a little as he hitched me closer to his stomach. The only indication that he felt me, damp and hot low on his belly, was the way his breathing caught and his muscles tightened further, one arm holding my hips still, keeping me pressed firmly against him as he fumbled behind me with his keys. I heard the lock give way with a loud click, and the door swung open, but he didn't move forward until I looked up at him.

I knew what this moment was, and I smiled at him, because even though things were tense between us, he still wanted to have this. The new husband carrying his bride over the threshold, entering their new home for the first time as man and wife. It was very sweet of him...and when his eyes softened a little more and he returned my smile before stepping through the doorway, I was able to put my worries to the back of my mind. It was easy to just _be_ with him most of the time, and that's why we were together. We fit, without thought or effort. But maybe that was what was so hard for me.

Why did I always have so many questions about the good things in my life?

_Clearly, I'm a loon._

"Welcome home, wife," he said in a rough voice, startling me. Deep, dear green eyes pinned mine, and I was still smiling at him like some lovesick teenage girl. I think I kissed him first, but he certainly didn't appear to mind as he shoved the door shut with a bang, pinning me against the surface as he fumbled behind me to lock it. He moaned as he licked at my lips, and he smelled and tasted so good... Fisting my hands in his hair, I held him to me, becoming more aggressive than he'd been in the kiss.

Finally, the door was locked, and his hand was wandering across my back, drifting over my waist, and then closing over my breast. He pressed his palm hard against my chest, pushing up my breast. Sharp teeth closed gently over my lower lip as he pulled back, letting the slick, tingling flesh slip from his mouth. He ducked his head, trailing the tip of his nose over the cleavage he created, his lips following and burning a hot path up to my ear. The pad of his thumb circled my nipple; at the same time, he took my earlobe into his mouth, sucking gently.

"I love you," he whispered, sliding his hand up over my collarbone like he was trying to touch as much of me as he could reach. "Wife." The last part was lower and louder, and preceded a sudden lurch in my awareness as he yanked me away from the door and staggered to the bedroom. Then I was flat on my back, in the middle of the bed, and he was hovering over me, eyes dark.

"I love you, too...husband," I mumbled, suddenly feeling embarrassed, which only made both sets of cheeks blush.

"You're not gonna tell me "no" this time?" His lips curved just the slightest bit as I fidgeted nervously with his hair, which I was still yanking on from earlier. I didn't want to tell him no anymore, but I wasn't quite ready to give in yet. Knowing how much he liked it, I bit my lip uncertainly, letting my eyes fall to his mouth in time to see him swallow. He blinked, his eyes staying closed for a long time.

I waited for him to look at me again, and then I shook my head slightly, grinning. "Nope."

It took him forty-five minutes to get us both completely naked, though by that time, he'd given me two orgasms. He kept insisting he owed me for the previous week, and who was I to argue? It was hard to even breathe when his hand was between my legs, and his lips made it impossible. This was so much better than no sex. Thinking was very, very overrated.

-w-

I woke the next morning with a smile on my face, and I think it had been there all night, from the way my cheeks ached. The heavy arm draped across my waist let me know Edward was still sleeping. I was wide awake and knew there would be no more sleep for me this morning, so I decided to wiggle out from under his arm and root around for something to fix for breakfast.

In the pantry, I found some pancake mix that only required water and an unopened bottle of maple syrup. There was frozen orange juice concentrate in the freezer, and we had the perfect non-perishable, post-vacation meal. I smiled to myself, wondering how Edward would like some breakfast in bed. I wondered which smile I'd get, if it would be sweet and innocent or wicked and tempting... Of course, thoughts of bed led to thoughts of sex, and when my mind circled around to the maple syrup, I made myself think about something else. It wouldn't do to burn these pancakes. About fifteen minutes later, I was just finishing up with breakfast, when I looked up to see Edward standing in his bedroom doorway.

"This is like some kind of domesticated wet dream," he said, blinking sleepily at me. "I'm still sleeping, aren't I?" He turned around and shut the door, and then reappeared a few seconds later, wearing a white wife-beater along with his boxers. Holy shit. I had to swallow the drool that accumulated in my mouth at the sight of him. Some part of me was a dirty little girl, because no man should look so hot in a garment with such a name, but _Goddamn it_...I couldn't help myself. "Awesome. You're still there."

"Of course I'm still here," I said, gesturing to the stack of pancakes I had resting next to the cooling griddle. "I was just making you some food." He came up behind me, his lips tickling the back of my neck.

"What a good little wife you are," he praised, low and breathy. But as much as his tone turned me on, his words pissed off a tiny part of me even more. I did things like this for him because I loved him, not because I thought it was _expected_ of me. _I did stuff like this before we were marri―...before we went to Hawaii!_ "What's wrong?" Shit. I must have stiffened or something, letting him know I wasn't completely fine.

"Nothing," I said, slipping away from him to put the pancakes on the table. "Can you get the syrup?"

Warily, he did as I asked and grabbed it from the microwave, meeting me at the table as I dished him a plate full of pancakes. I waited for him to use half the container before I poured syrup on my own and shoved a huge bite into my mouth so I wouldn't have to speak.

"Come on, Bella," he said, in between stuffing his mouth with food. The Stepford Wife inside me smiled in triumph, and I wanted to punch her in the face. The girls offered her protection, if only she'd do them a favor someday, no questions asked... "Thank you for breakfast, by the way. It's really good," he added, throwing me a miniature version of my favorite grin.

_Damn! I can't even stay mad at him. His powers of persuasion are too great. I'm no match for Buttercup._

"You're welcome," I grumbled, my lips breaking into a reluctant smile. He looked too adorable eating huge chunks of pancake dripping with syrup and I had to try extra hard to keep my eyes on my plate. It was nearly impossible. But when he asked for seconds, I was done for.

-w-

Things were great for about a week after that...and then Charlie called. He wasn't too happy about the length of time that had passed between my return to the continental United States and its correspondence to my current lack of parental phone calls.

_"When are you bringing your hubby home for a visit?"_ he asked, sounding way too excited to be my father. _"Come on, don't make me start calling him Egbert again to get a response from you, kid."_

"How do you even know we got married, Dad?" I was stalling, and we both knew it.

_"Don't make me come to Seattle, Bella,"_ he threatened.

"Okay, okay, Dad! I'll find out when Edward has the time off. But I can't make any promises," I added, hoping I could put him off until he forgot about it.

_Fat chance, Bella._

I didn't tell Edward when he came back late that night. I didn't tell him the next day before he went to work, either.

I also didn't tell him that I went back to my apartment when he left for work both times. I didn't tell him how I panicked when I started packing my things to take to his place. I assumed that's where he wanted to live, and I would be the first person to admit his loft was a lot nicer than my place. But the more I tried, the more it seemed like packing all my stuff and moving in with Edward for good was my Kryptonite. Why I felt like I needed some sort of safety blanket, I still didn't know, but the longer I hid this from him, the worse it would become. I kept telling myself I'd talk with him about it the next time I saw him, but I never did. So I tried to ignore it, and he seemed content to do the same, in the meantime. I buried those feelings, and it worked, for the most part ― but I don't think they were forgotten by either of us.

* * *

_I know, I know... I didn't write the wedding._

_So if you don't want to kill me, I'm participating in the FGB Eclipse Edition auction, but it's a package deal in memory of LASMKE: For the Love of Lisa - it's seven authors, seven one-shots, and one photo from images without borders. All one-shots will be a minimum of 2500 words._

_This is my only endeavor into the FGB, so if you'd like to bid on something from me, then check out our auction page: http:/www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com/item(dot)php?id=288 ._

_Thanks for reading...and if you're pissed, just remember what story this is, okay? That's all I can say. :)_


	38. Confessions, Coercions, & Chicken Wings

_I don't own Twilight, SM does._

_Thanks to karentwilighted and EchoesOfTwilight for pre-reading. :)_

_

* * *

_

**-Chapter 38: Confessions, Coercions, and Chicken Wings-**

After putting it off as long as possible, I called to arrange a dinner date with Alice and Jasper. It was with some confidence that I finally did it, as a similar night with Esme and Dr. Hoo-Ha had been a success. They were thrilled for us, and the way we went about getting married didn't matter to them at all. Though I did get the impression that our presence was going to be requested at a lot of family dinners in the near future to make up for it. I didn't mind. It was always entertaining to hang out with Edward's family ― now _my_ family, too.

Still, no matter how confident I was, Edward had warned me that I shouldn't let my guard down when it came to Alice. That was why we chose a really posh restaurant ― because it was better to confront her in a public place, somewhere she wouldn't want to make a scene. While we didn't exactly expect it to be easy, we certainly didn't know Alice would react as quickly as she did.

"What are _those_?" she demanded as we took our seats, her voice rising in pitch as her eyes widened. Damn...she'd noticed within half a minute!

"What do you mean?" I stalled, shooting Edward a panicked glance. He looked bewildered, as if even _he_ hadn't expected her to react this fast.

"What. Are. Those. Rings," she all but growled, pointing at my ring finger. Jasper paled, I gasped, and Edward shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The silence was so thick I expected to hear crickets. The girls ducked for cover behind my kidneys.

"Wedding rings," I answered in a small voice, hoping I wouldn't have to repeat it. I kicked Edward's leg under the table, desperately looking for some kind of rescue.

"We got married," he added blandly, suddenly taking a huge interest in his menu. He couldn't have played the part of disinterested eye candy better, even if he'd started whistling a jolly tune. _Well, thank you, Captain Obvious. I just said that, you big dork. _But the way he held his menu blatantly displayed the brushed silver band he now wore on his ring finger.

Jasper was following Edward's lead, the coward. So I went with the majority, focusing on my menu, knowing we were doomed from the start. No matter how hard I concentrated on the heavy leather folder in my hands, I could still feel the power of her stare and all of the Cullen Pout she was throwing around the table. The server came to take our orders, and I just knew we were all looking at each other sideways, acting shifty-eyed and suspicious-looking. As a customer service veteran, I wondered what the help thought of our tense little quartet of denial. I know my mind would be going _wild_ if I walked up on a group like this at work.

We all tried to order in some semblance of normality, and though I really could have used a drink, I went with something extra-caffeinated and fluorescent yellow. Screw the calories. This was an extreme situation. After the server left, we sat there for a few minutes in silence, until I couldn't take it anymore. The whole time, Alice was looking around the table pitifully with her huge eyes and colorful scarf around part of her hair. A pair of gigantic Jackie-O glasses were perched on the crown of her head, and she looked cute in that ridiculous-yet-stylish way only Alice could pull off.

"Come on, Alice. We didn't even know we were going to do it until that day," I finally said in a huff.

"It's my fault," Edward jumped in. "I held her hostage in a car on a curvy road until she said yes. Once I got her to agree, I didn't want to give her the chance to get away. I talked her into it. Charmed the pants off her," he kept going, and all I could do was stare at him with my dead goldfish gape and flaming cheeks.

"Okay, seriously, Edward, you can shut up anytime now," I said hurriedly, kicking at him again under the table, this time using both feet. Jasper was chuckling behind one hand, while his lovely wife just glared at us with one of the best guilt-tripping faces I'd ever seen.

"Tried everything but knocking her up, did you?" Jasper drawled just as the server approached us, bearing our drinks. His eyes widened as he caught the tail-end of our conversation, and I knew his speculations would be out of control. Our little group was probably the talk of the back of the house.

Edward, oblivious man that he was, didn't wait quite long enough to keep his mouth shut, and started talking before the guy had walked far enough away. "I wouldn't say I haven't tried that, either...we practice a lot."

My gaze shot to his, and I wanted to sew his lips shut, Dee Snyder style. "Practice is going to be cancelled indefinitely if you don't zip it."

He held his hands up in surrender without saying anything, only grinning sneakily at me and shaking his head in unapologetic amusement. He was pretty confident in his seduction skills, and he had a right to be, where I was concerned. Resisting him took a little thing called willpower, and when it came to Edward, I had none.

I was still giving him the evil eye when I noticed something: Alice was no longer in full deprived-sister-of-the-groom mode ― and she was watching us with a soft smile. It was almost creepy, yet still better than the alternative tantrum of massive proportions.

"You two are perfect for each other," she finally sighed, clasping her hands together in front of her chest.

"Thanks―" Edward and I both began, but Alice held up her hand with a threatening little scowl.

"Now here's how it's going to work," she said in a scarily authoritative voice, and I suddenly got the picture of her in pink velcro rollers and a smoking jacket, looking like Samson. If she started calling me 'Cuban B,' I was outta there. Before I could help it, by mind had conjured up the police wire surveillance scene, and I was imagining Jasper and Edward dressed in man-catsuits, handing deadly little Alice weapon number Eight-Fourteen.

That little daydream morphed into one of me working Scarface's job at the burger joint. It ended with a fantasy of me standing up in the fancy-schmancy restaurant and saying, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..._you_ cool, fuck you, I'm out!" Then I could grab Edward and storm out. But we'd also need an extra two people at the table...

Alice was still speaking as I finally got my wandering mind under control. "...and finally, you two are going to let me throw your first anniversary party," she finished with a firm nod.

"Okay, fine," I said quickly. Anything to cover up the fact that I hadn't been listening to the last five minutes of the conversation.

Edward was watching me warily, his skin pale underneath the faded remnants of his Hawaii tan. "You're really okay with it?" he asked carefully, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Yes...why?" He blinked at me in confusion, and Jasper burst out laughing.

"You'd better hope I don't have any say in this, Edward," Jasper gasped in between embarrassingly loud laughter. "I'm gonna suggest 'Apple' or some shit."

"Why would you have a say?" I asked, really not understanding what the hell was going on.

"Bella," Edward started, shaking his head, "You not only gave Alice permission to throw us a huge anniversary party next year..."

"Yeah?" I interrupted, still not getting what had everyone so shocked.

"You also gave me permission to name your firstborn child!" Alice crowed, sending every head in the restaurant swiveling in our direction. "Weren't you listening to me? Hell, I should have made like Rumpelstiltskin and demanded your _actual_ first born!"

"Now, Alice," Jasper began, looking panicked. "You know babies are always cuter when you can give them back to their parents."

"Um..." Oh, holy shit..._holy shit!_ "I _do_ suck at naming things. I named the cat Renesmee," I blurted, deciding the panic wasn't worth it and giving up.

"You're right," Edward agreed. "This might work out better for the mental health of our future children." I scowled in his direction for a second, but as always, it never lasted for long. He smiled at me, and his hand grasped mine underneath the table. He was so funny and caring...and he was all mine. He _would_ be the father of any babies I had...and the thought wasn't so scary, as long as I had him to help me.

_**How about a round of practice makes perfect in the restroom? Time to make babies!**_

I could practically feel them bouncing. They felt a lot bigger than butterflies.

Besides, nothing was scarier than the girls. _If I can handle them, I can handle anything._

-w-

The next day found me looking for something to do. I decided to make Edward some dinner, since he'd be getting off work at dinnertime. That was why my kitchen looked like the aftermath of a mini-chicken massacre. Cutting up whole chicken wings sucked, but it was a good frustration-reliever. I was used to it. I worked on autopilot, arranging the wings on a baking sheet, seasoning them, and sliding them in the oven. Whole chicken wings were also cheap. Of course, chicken wings in general were cheap, but Renee had taught me how to save where I could, and if that meant manual labor and dismembering my own chicken parts, so be it. Though, as I looked around the kitchen in which I was currently cooking, I guessed I didn't need to save the extra few cents anymore. Edward obviously wasn't lacking for money.

I, on the other hand, was poor as the proverbial church mouse. Angela, my _supposed_ best friend, had fired me for no good reason. Oh, she thought she had one. According to her, the job at ThinkGeek was mine, never mind that my interview had come and gone and I had yet to hear anything. Of course, it had only been a week ago, and I knew I shouldn't be worried...I was pretty confident that I'd nailed it. I'd also discovered that as much as going on a business trip as a newlywed sucked, the reunion sex was even better. Edward had picked me up at the airport, and we almost got caught making out in the parking garage. I was pretty sure he was looking to have one of our little indecent excursions, but I vetoed that idea quickly. That night, I'd needed him too badly, and I didn't want to risk getting cock-blocked by a night in the clink.

Apparently, Angela thought I was too chicken to quit the restaurant, and I just needed a push in the right direction. This only intensified when I confessed that Edward and I had gotten married in Hawaii, and that was when she'd taken it upon herself to hire another bartender to work my shifts. When I'd gotten back from the interview, she'd had the nerve to tell me I'd be training my replacement during my last few days. _Joy._ I worked my last shift three nights ago, and ever since, I haven't known what to do with myself.

_Yet, I'm strangely happy.._.

That's why I knew that what Angela had done for me was a blessing. It would have been sacrilegious or something for me to remain bartending, being the wife of a recovering alcoholic and all. Sure, I was glib about it, but it was really the only way I knew how to deal with the sudden change in my life.

_**Bella, we hear sexual healing works wonders. It's a stress-reliever, it releases endorphins...**_

_Holy shit. They sound like they've been reading one of Edward's medical texts._ Of course, I guess they read everything I read... And that was where I just had to stop thinking about it.

"Holy shit, it smells good in here," Edward yelled from the doorway, startling me. I hadn't even heard him open the door. In seconds, it was slamming shut and he was there, grabbing me from behind, even though I had a very sharp chef's knife in one hand and and a bunch of celery in the other. "What's for dinner?" he asked, kissing my neck and looping his arms around my waist.

"Buffalo wings." I don't know why was nervous as I answered. I wanted to make him happy, yet I second-guessed myself at every turn. What to make for meals was a mystery. Would he get bored? Would we find ourselves in a food-rut? And if we found ourselves in a food rut, what other ruts were to come? Would we become one of _those_ couples, the ones that sat across from each other at dinner and struggled for something, _anything_ interesting to say?

"People actually make those at home?" Edward was asking, and I jerked in his arms at the sound of his voice. "I thought you could only get those in bars and restaurants."

As he spoke, his hands began wandering from my abdomen down to the waistband of my jeans. I was all too eager to abandon conversation for physical action. Letting the knife and celery drop to the cutting board with a clank, I leaned back against him and forced out a little laugh.

"Are there rules for chicken wings? 'Thou shalt not make Buffalo wings at home...' That one must not have made it onto Moses' tablets," I teased, wiggling back against him and smiling at the muffled groan I could feel against my neck.

"Rules? We don't need rules," he said, moving closer. "We break them all, remember?" I couldn't answer as his hands moved lower, over my hips and down the tops of my thighs. Long fingers tightened, digging into my legs as he pulled me more firmly to him.

"Right," I finally managed. I noticed he was backing away from the counter, and I was coming with him, since he'd apparently lifted my toes off the floor without my knowledge. Trying to get free, I squirmed in his hold uselessly. Fucker was stronger than he looked. All my movement only allowed him to get a better grip on my body, and with an arm bracketed around my hips and one right under my breasts, I knew I wasn't getting away.

"Stop moving, or I'll drop you," he threatened, letting me slip down a little in his arms.

"Do you want me to burn dinner?" I asked, trying not to laugh at his playfulness. Usually he was so tired when he came home from work, and today he seemed full of energy. I was really glad to see him looking so young and energized.

_**You know what energy is good for? Making babies. Everyone probably thinks you're knocked up already, so why not?**_

Edward saved me from another stupid internal argument just in time. "Wouldn't be the first time," he said teasingly, reminding me of the burned garlic bread on the night of his birthday.

"Excuse me?" I faked outrage, just to play along.

"You're not making garlic bread again, are you? I don't think that goes with wings." He was laughing. I could feel the vibrations against my back. We reached the bedroom and he tossed me on the mattress, which knocked a giggle from my chest. He stood over me with his arms crossed, wearing his smirky grin.

"For your information, garlic bread goes with _everything_. Even ice cream." Okay, so that was a bald-faced lie. Ice cream would be a bad, bad choice, but I couldn't back down now. "And weren't you supposed to be watching the garlic bread that night?" I arched a brow up at his upside-down face. Surely that should have made him ugly or something...but no. I suddenly wished for pouring rain and a Spider Man suit. Water, spandex, Edward, and me...yum.

_**Oh, yes...we want the Precious to be our Peter Parker. In fact, we want the Precious to 'park' his 'peter' somewhere special...**_

_We're getting there, girls...if you'll just shut up!_

"Was I? I can't remember. All I can think of is that shirt you wore and how I couldn't stop looking at your tits."

Giggles became full out laughter. "That's not very gentlemanly." He still wasn't moving to come closer, so I hooked a finger in the waistband of his pants and tugged. Today was one of his office consult days, so he was dressed nicely in business casual...and it was just as hot as the scrubs.

"I never said I was a gentleman," he returned smugly, refusing to budge. I snorted.

"Says the man who tried to turn down my awesome sexytime skills in the beginning..." I trailed off, giving up on pulling him to the bed and shoving him away instead. He hadn't expected that, which made it easy for me to slip past him and back into the kitchen.

"That doesn't mean I was a gentleman. It just means I was stupid," he called after me, making me laugh.

He joined me a few minutes later, barefoot and casual in a t-shirt and jeans. I grinned as I saw the screen print on the front ― it was his 'Smooth Operator' shirt ― one I'd bought for him. It had a cartoon of a doctor in a surgical cap and mask above the words, and I giggled each time I saw him wearing it.

_**We'd like him to 'operate' on us! **_

I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

_**Come and give us some of your medicine, Dr. Precious! **_

Thankfully, the timer for the wings saved me, the harsh beeping sound a welcome one in my very crowded brain. Edward went about setting the table as I mixed the sauce and dipped the wings, and we carried the food to the table together in a perfect tableau of domestic bliss.

_This is my life...and I'm happy. I really am. He makes me happy.._.

I smiled as he started eating quickly, his appetite more than making up for his silence. He ate with enthusiasm, and I knew he was pleased with my efforts. _I'm sort of a good wife...sometimes._ The longer I watched him, the more I realized that wings were not only cheap, they were evil. Sauce was on his fingers and lips. Wings were messy and led to a lot of lip-licking.

It was torture for my lady parts.

Meanwhile, he devoured three wing sections while I nibbled on a single drummette and poked at my baked potato and salad. Edward noticed how little I was eating and frowned.

"Bella, you made these, so you know how good they are," he said seriously. "Please eat more than that." He piled most of the good pieces on my plate, and I had to protest.

"Don't you want any of the good ones? I can't eat all these!"

"Good ones? The good ones are the wing pieces," he said with a smirk. Deliberately, he held my gaze while he licked sauce from his thumb, and my mouth went dry. I ate a huge bite of spicy wing and promptly choked from the heat burning my tongue. _There! Desert mouth problem solved...now bring me the drool bib._

"You okay?"

"Yeah," I answered, clearing my throat and taking a huge gulp of milk. When I finally felt safe to speak, I asked, "You don't like the drummettes?"

"Not really. You do?" He grinned slowly, watching me blush at his attention just like I had when we first met.

I nodded. "They're so much better than the part with two bones. One bone is enough for me," I added lowly with a small smile of my own.

"I don't know what that says about me," he said, starting to sound a little displeased. "You're making it impossible for me to eat chicken wings because you're comparing them to boners―"

"I didn't say 'boner,'" I laughed, interrupting him.

"You implied it," he insisted, nudging my feet with his underneath the table.

"It was a horrible joke. I apologize. Sometimes a pervert lives inside my head." _If he only knew...there are two._

"Just more proof we're perfect for each other," he said immediately. "I appreciate your juvenile humor. Plus, we'll never fight over chicken wings, and food won't go to waste." He spoke as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

Then again, maybe it was. We _were_ perfect for one another ― it had been obvious from the very beginning. We both had our issues, but we worked together. And that was why I needed to tell him about the apartment...soon, but not tonight. Right now, I needed this quiet time with him, and I was going to make the most of it.

-w-

"What's this?" Edward asked as he came into the bathroom later that evening, gesturing with a light green bottle of aromatherapy crap Alice had forced on me at the spa in Hawaii. As I eyed it, an idea began to form, because I was nothing, if not a rotten little pot stirrer. Scratch that ― I was a horny little pot-stirrer. Yes, I freely admitted it.

"That massage therapist back in Hawaii talked me into buying this stuff." I said, taking the bottle of sugar scrub from his hands. Surely Edward wouldn't mind my little white lie, because I'd make sure he was happy in the end. _Happy endings for all..._ "He said it was very good for relieving stress," I added, barely suppressing the need to grin. Just in case my weak facial muscles couldn't cut it, I pivoted quickly to turn on the shower.

_**Oooh, nice one, Bella! We like him riled up.**_

_That's the point, girls. Now, shut up._

Edward cleared his throat. "Did you say _he?"_ I could hear him coming up behind me, and if I wasn't mistaken, that was the sound of his shirt dropping to the floor..._oh, yes._

"What?" I asked absently, pretending to adjust the water temperature. When I turned around, he was shucking off his pants, and less than a foot away from me. "Oh, are you going to shower, too?"

"You know how I feel about water conservation," he said with a dark little smile before scowling at me. "You didn't tell me the massage therapist was a guy."

"Why, Dr. Cullen, _you_ of all people should know it's just a job. It was all very clinical and professional," I said innocently, stripping off my clothes and tossing them over the separate tub. I had to lean right in front of him to do it, and I could tell he wasn't unaffected by my little game. He _was_ naked, after all.

He sighed, letting a little growl of what I assumed was frustration escape. Finally naked myself, I slipped into the shower, leaving the glass door open as I stepped under the spray.

"You're not saying anything because you know I'm right." _Oooh, that sing-song quality in my voice is super annoying. Perfect._

He joined me, letting the door almost slam shut, enclosing us in the warm, humid space. The rush of steamy water was loud and the air was thick with tension and vapor. I couldn't resist one last jab...

"I mean, surely you have to see patients naked sometimes, right?"

"He saw you _naked?"_ he burst out, his voice almost painfully loud inside the tile and glass walls. I bit my lip so hard to keep from laughing that I actually tasted blood.

"Well, he kind of _had_ to when he gave me the butt massage." This time, I couldn't help it. I giggled. Thank God he couldn't see my face.

"Butt massage? There's no such thing as a butt massage!" Okay, _that_ was a yell. "Is there? Bella, please tell me this is you pulling my leg," he said, softer this time, but with no less intensity. He spun me to face him, his eyes fierce with vivid green determination, but even that couldn't stop my giggling.

_**We'd like to pull your **_**third**_** leg, Dr. Precious...**_

So would I.

Ignoring his plea, I took the bottle from his hand. "Edward, you seem awfully...tense." I squeezed out a good-sized dollop and snapped the lid shut, dropping the scrub to the floor with a loud clatter that made him jump.

"Do I? I wonder why?" he asked sarcastically, and it was gritty and low, sounding suspiciously like a growl._ Oh, goody._..

"You do," I assured with a smug little laugh, slipping around to his back so I could start spreading the gritty soap over his shoulders. "Good thing this scent is formulated for stress relief." With that, I dug my fingers into the swells of his shoulders, using the lather to help to soothe his knotted muscles. I had to stand on my toes to reach him, which made me more than a little unsteady. That was just fine by me, and every part of me was in agreement on that point. My nipples were especially pleased, because that sugar scrub was sort of tingly, and this was all on top of feeling them rub against his naked back every time I lost my balance.

I chanced a peek at his face, and his eyes were closed. Satisfied that he wasn't wincing in discomfort, I assumed I was doing okay. But damn, my hands were getting tired! Holy crap! I kept going, trying to work through the burn, but I wish I knew when to stop or what the heck to do. Should I do that karate-chop thing? Some kind of neck rub? Or should I go right for the money and rub my way down to the Promised Land, otherwise known as the best thing to ever happen to the back of a pair of button-fly jeans?

Edward groaned as I hit a sensitive spot just underneath his shoulder blade. "You can do it harder," he said, sighing as I dug my thumb into the same spot.

I snorted. _That's what she said!_ And then I wanted to groan at myself. _Oh, no...I'm turning into my mother...or the girls._

"What's so funny?" he slurred, which made me smile while giving myself a mental pat on the back. _Damn, I must be pretty good at this massage shit!_

"Oh, er...nothing, I just stifled a sneeze. This stuff sort of opens up your sinuses, doesn't it?" To distract him, I continued rubbing my way down his back, almost reaching the top of his ass, but then I chickened out, slicking my soapy, gritty, sugared hands back up to his shoulders ― which were, not so surprisingly, tense again. Moving around to his side, I put both hands on his bicep, my fingers kneading and digging, working down to his forearm. I could feel his gaze burning into me, but I didn't let myself meet his eyes ― I wasn't done playing, and the more frustrated he got, the better the payoff.

"Oh, I think I need some more scrubby stuff," I murmured carelessly, making sure he could hear. I thanked the gods of seducing your man in the shower that the bottle had landed in front of him as I bent to retrieve it.

He groaned loudly, and I'm positive it was because of the view. Savoring a self-congratulatory smile, I got a little bit more scrub and snapped the bottle closed, staying bent over the whole time. I saw his foot twitch as if he was going to step forward, so I rose quickly, wavering on my feet, but managing to keep my balance by grabbing on to him.

"You're awfully good at this," he observed as I started working on his other arm before taking the really scenic journey to his chest and abs, savoring the way I could see his stomach tense as I brushed the hair below his belly button. I think I heard him whimper when I made sure to avoid his erection, which was trapped between us and almost impossible to ignore. Almost. He was hot against the sensitive skin of my belly, but that was all the contact I would allow him for the moment. Most of the time, I let Edward take the lead, but he always went along when I decided it was my turn to be the boss ― and he was pretty damn enthusiastic about it.

"Thanks. I asked Hans for some good moves to try on my guy. He had me practice and everything!" I peeked up at him through my lashes, catching the flash of angry green sparks that usually signaled he was close to the red zone. _Whoa...yikes. Wait, not yikes..._yes! He let me push him farther back into the spray, and I concentrated on slicking the soap from his skin, leaving the scent of rosemary and spearmint behind. I inhaled deeply, a blissful smile forming on my lips. It wasn't flowery or female; it was neutral and invigorating all at once, and mixed perfectly with the scent of the man inches away from me. He let me rinse everything from his skin, which was more than I'd expected from him, to be honest.

When I finished, circling around to his chest, his arms shot out, pulling me against him. "_Hans? Practice?"_

The arch of my neck was uncomfortable as I looked up at him, trying to blink innocently. "Hans, the blond Swedish massage therapist with the really tight polo shirt. It had this little alligator on the chest..." I trailed my finger across his left pec to illustrate. "And practice..." I grinned up at him. "Practice makes perfect."

His eyes squeezed shut, and he took a deep breath, his chest expanding so forcefully against mine that it actually forced some of my breath away. "Bella," he growled, and I knew it was time to stop messing with him. I linked my hands at the small of his back, letting my fingers wander a little lower before settling.

"Edward, the therapist was a girl," I admitted, and from the way his jaw clenched, I could tell he thought I was still playing.

"What?"

"The massage therapist. _Her_ name was Hannah."

"Oh, thank fuck. You are so mean," he said in a rush of breath and a smile as all the remaining tension went out of him. "What about the practice? Did you try that, too?"

"No, I made that up, too...I'm shameful, don't you think?" I pressed my lips to his temple as he ducked his head and began planting tiny kisses on my shoulder. "I wonder how I could make it up to you?" I mused, kissing just over his heart and rubbing my fingertips up and down his sides.

"You _are_ shameful. Such a tease," he whispered against my skin, his tongue darting out in random patterns on my collarbone. I rubbed my nose along his neck, smelling Edward and clean, soapy steam.

"That stuff smells good on you." I was out of breath, giving up easily now that he was working his magic on me.

"I think _I _smell good on _you_."

"Oh?" I sort of squeaked as he bit down hard on the skin at the juncture of my neck and shoulder. Deciding I needed to pull out the big guns, I reached for him, palming the thick head and squeezing with teasing pressure, coating him with water and slick pre-cum before I slid my hand down his length.

"Fuck." The curse just flew out of his lips, and it made me smile. He rested his forehead against my shoulder and watched as I pumped him. I loved the way my knuckles grazed his hard belly, the contrast in between the soft skin of his cock and the rougher, hair-smattered flesh just under his belly button.

He was leaning heavily against me, inadvertently pushing me backwards into the bench. Suddenly struck with inspiration, I sank down, kissing in a straight line right down his abdomen until I sat on the cold marble...which was fucking torture on my overheated, erm..._lady parts_, but I was so hot for Edward the cold was forgotten in seconds. His cock would be right in front of my face if I leaned forward just a little bit, and this little piece of heaven enclosed in tile and glass officially joined the shower hall of fame. It deserved a fucking trophy.

He stepped a little closer, bumping my knees and bringing himself so close that he brushed against my cheek. "I know how you can make it up to me," he said lowly, threading a hand in my hair, tugging on the strands, and pushing his hips forward just the tiniest bit.

_Oh, Jesus...my inner bitch should feel so ashamed at how much this side of him turns me on..._

His tip brushed over my lips, and I opened them, taking him as far as I could before easing back, the wetness of the shower and the salty trace of pre-cum easing my way. He grunted softly and pushed back in, gently, but with just a hint of the strength I knew he had. It was enough to spur me on even more. I looked up at him, meeting his slitted green eyes through the misty, humid air.

"Good girl," he purred ― hell yes, it was a _purr!_ ― watching me with that burning look. I swear to God the girls exploded, the sound just like a bag of Orville Reddenbacher in the microwave, all in spite of their disdain for oral...pleasures.

Edward's fingers tightened in my hair, urging me forward. "You can take a little more of me, can't you?" Planting his other hand on the tile behind me, he nudged his hips again, and I sank down on him until my nose nearly brushed his pubic bone. "Fuck, you look so pretty, Bella." It wasn't exactly the easiest thing in the world, but I could handle it for a second or two at a time. It was easy to ignore when I could tell how much he liked what he saw, the trembling of his thighs underneath my hands leaving no doubt. I knew he wouldn't push me too hard, and he let me move back when I was ready.

But if he kept tugging on my hair like that and talking to me in that needy, gritty voice, I was going to pass out from want. I thought of telling him to put his hands behind his head if he wanted me to keep going, but I figured he deserved a reward for putting up with me when I gave him such a hard time earlier. I'd make this time about him, let him do what he wanted. Letting my eyes flutter closed, I gripped his base with one hand, squeezing and sucking hard as I tried to drive him crazy. I hoped this playing sex kitten shit worked, because it sure was turning me on. When I let the fingers of my other hand graze his balls, he stiffened, groaning and pulling on my hair almost to the point of pain. It only lasted a second before he realized his tight hold and loosened his grip.

"Mother fuck..." He was breathing hard as he brushed strands of hair back from my face. I kept playing him, listening to his sounds for clues. Then his hands were suddenly under my arms, pushing me off of him and raising me so my lips were level with his.

"I don't know what do to with you," he growled before attacking my mouth, licking and biting at my lips.

"I know something you can do _to _me," I laughed softly, getting a few words out around his lips and bucking my hips against his.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" _Oh, sweet baby Jesus, is he_ crooning?_ Mother of all that's holy...I should be making fun of it, not fawning all over him._

"Yes," I panted, nodding and grinning at him unrepentantly.

One hint of a cocky smirk later and he was turning me to face the wall, guiding one of my feet to the bench as he lined himself up behind me. "It's a good thing for you...I'm not feeling very patient right now."

I shivered at the low, rough velvet in my ear and pushed back against his hips in response. "You're usually not when it comes to sex."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Oh, God, no! No patience needed right now," I said hurriedly, not sure I could wait much longer either.

"That's what I thought." _Oh, you smug, sexy bastard... _

I didn't really care about his little jokes when one of his palms cupped my inner thigh, urging me to widen my stance. His lips dropped, hot and wet to the skin below my ear. "Arch your back for me," he murmured. I did as he asked, sighing when he thrust forward, and _glory, glory, hallelujah_, I didn't think _I _could even make any more jokes tonight.

"Like this?" I asked in a small voice. Judging from how amazing it felt, I was pretty sure I got it right, but I wanted him to keep talking to me in that low voice.

"Yeah." He was starting to sound a little out of breath. "Just like that." _Good, because I wouldn't dream of doing anything other than this. It's really working for me, too._

His left arm snaked under mine and grabbed my hand, bracing our elbows against the wall, making sure he took most of our weight before leaning in until his chest covered my shoulders. At my hip, his other hand kept me in place, and then he was moving, and it was so, so good. His fingers kept my hips canted at an angle that had him hitting places I didn't know I had.

He moaned low in his throat as his head hung next to mine. Each thrust was slow and deliberate, and soon his hand began to wander ― all the way up to my throat, his fingers encircling gently as he turned my head for a kiss, hot and wet and deep and way too short. Back down, over my breasts, pulling and gently squeezing at my nipples...straight down my torso, his wet fingers wasting no time in finding and pinching my clit.

My face flamed with the rush of oncoming climax, and I rested my forehead against the cool tile, gasping in pleasure at the added contrast on my hot skin. I could also see below to where Edward's legs flexed behind mine, the visual only adding to the throbbing pressure building low in my belly.

"Edward, please, just a little harder," I begged. So, so close...

"Like that, love?" _Oh, dear God, there's that little grunt..._ His hips slapped wetly against my ass as he thrust harder and began concentrating his attentions to tiny swirls over my wet, sensitive skin.

"Yes...yes," I managed through much-needed gulps of air.

"Bella, hurry, please." And he was begging, too..._I am never leaving this shower_. I could feel the sensations coiling, building, and his voice only drove me higher. "Please, hurry...I can't...you feel so fucking good." His fingers worked me steadily as he fastened his lips at my neck, and that was it. I was gone. I shook in his hold, coming harder than I could ever remember, and that was saying something since I'd met him.

It only got better when the ringing faded from my ears and I could hear his reaction. "Oh, yeah...fuck, there you go," he muttered breathlessly, increasing the pace and depth of his thrusts as his fingers kept rubbing gently, the sensitivity triggering another, smaller wave of pleasure. As soon as I moaned my second release, I could hear Edward groaning behind me, and three short thrusts later he stilled, tensing against me. When he relaxed, he slumped against my back, still somehow managing to keep from crushing me against the wall. After a few moments of heavy breathing, he secured me against his chest and pivoted so he sat on the bench with me in his lap.

I shuddered when he lifted my hips, rearranging me so I could settle more comfortably against him. I didn't know how much time went by, but I could feel myself beginning to doze, thoroughly drained from our activities. The water was getting lukewarm, and I couldn't even bring myself to care. A laugh bubbled out of me before I could stop it, causing Edward to grunt in surprise, as if he'd been nearly asleep as well.

"What's so funny, Mrs. Cullen?" he mumbled, tightening his arms around my waist. My stomach dipped at his question ― or rather, the whole "Mrs. Cullen" part.

_Yeah. I'm still getting used to that_..

_**How dare you, Bella! Shut up and bask in post-coital wedded bliss.**_

_How odd_. Usually I was the one telling _them_ to shut up. I put it out of my mind, concentrating on answering Edward before he noticed something different.

"I don't think we conserved any water today," I said, pointing at the water still streaming from the shower head.

Edward's laugh sounded really nice echoing against the walls of the shower. At that instant, my worries seemed to fade, and the only thing that remained was how right we felt. It was time to stop being afraid and definitely time to stop second-guessing us. It was time to make things right...I just wasn't sure how to go about it yet. At least now, I was officially on my way.

* * *

_One chapter left, and then the epi. I have a few outtakes and things planned as well, so don't be sad. All good things come to an end...or they become not so good things. ;) Chapter 39 is written...so what would you like? A really fast update, or are you fans of anticipation?_

_As always, thanks for reading and uber thanks for those who review in spite of my reply fail._

_Calling all plot bunnies! There's still time to enter the Plot Bunny contest. Details here: _http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2318066/Plot_Bunny_Contest


	39. Muffins,Misapprehensions&Making Promises

_I don't own Twilight._

_Thanks to EchoesOfTwilight and karentwilighted for pre-reading. Any errors are mine._

_So, I'm awake ridiculously early and most of you wanted the chapter ASAP. I figured I'd test out your willpower, for those of you in favor of anticipation. ;) Then again, FFN might be complete fail and you'll all have to wait. Anyway, here you go..._

_

* * *

_

**-Ch 39: Muffins, Misapprehensions, and Making Promises-**

The next morning, I wrote a disgustingly cute note on a post it and stuck it to my pillow in case Edward woke up before I returned. I then helped myself to his keys ― they were joint property now, anyway ― and stole his precious Volvo. My mission was simple: I was going to go get some of those cake-masquerading-as-health-food muffins from Macrina. I'd come home with coffee and muffins...and maybe a still-sleeping and naked Edward...

I almost ran a red light at that thought. While I finished my morning errand, I planned out how to tell Edward I'd been keeping things from him. I had to tell him his wife was a really big hypocrite. That was sobering enough to make sure I focused carefully on the remainder of the drive.

The trip took a good hour due to rush hour traffic, and I was really losing hope that Edward would still be sleeping. I came home to find that my instincts had been right ― Edward was definitely awake, and he looked furious.

"Hi," I said uncertainly, holding up breakfast as a peace offering. In response, he held up my phone. I hadn't even known I left without it.

"Your _landlord_ called. The bathroom is flooded, and they're sending maintenance to fix it between the hours of eight and five today," he returned icily.

_Oh, shit. Holy crap_. "Edward, I was going to tell you, I swear!" _Damn it! _Why couldn't I have had just a few more minutes to tell him?

"Really? When? It's been over a month, Bella!" I flinched, taken aback at the volume of his voice. He cursed and ran a hand carelessly through his hair as he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

"Well, you never asked me about it," I snapped, immediately going defensive. I still held the coffee and muffins in my hands, and I knew I had to find a place to stash them before they ended up on the floor. The closest stable surface was Edward's bedside table, which forced me to come very close to him. As soon as breakfast was safe, he grabbed my wrist, tugging me down to sit on the bed. He sat up against the headboard and released me as soon as he saw I wasn't moving, crossing his arms over his chest. I scowled at his body language, getting really irritated with his mercurial moods, though I suspected I was really more angry with myself for letting things go this long.

Rennie hopped up on the bed, letting loose with a series of meows that sounded like questions. Butting her head against Edward's hand, she purred loudly, as if to comfort him.

_**Look at that little hussy...that feline is such an attention whore.**_

I couldn't help but agree with them there. My husband wasn't scowling at our cat, but he sure was throwing the dirty looks my way.

"I didn't know what to do!" I scooted closer to him on the bed, bumping knees with him. "We never talked about it...we just sort of started living here, and I brought over my clothes a little bit at a time, and..." I trailed off, wishing I could see some sort of clue in his face, which was unreadable as ever. "My lease isn't up until December. There's a big fee to break it, so I was just going to tell them then that I wouldn't be renewing."

"Bella," he said with a sigh, "I know you well enough that I see through this bullshit. You don't care about money. You're ― you _were_ ― a bartender, and you were content to stay that way until Angela 'forced you into retirement,' as you put it to me this week." Silence hung heavy for a moment, and I tried to keep from boiling inside. Was he talking _down_ to me? Like I was dumb or lazy? Just because I wasn't a fucking _doctor_ didn't mean I wasn't intelligent.

I was just...floundering.

"Did you think you needed a safety net?" he asked, point blank. I was trapped in the verdant green of his eyes, but they had never looked so lifeless in the entire time I'd known him. It hurt more than I thought it would, and combined with the anger buzzing under the surface, I was more emotionally uncomfortable than I could remember feeling in a long time.

"I don't know," I hedged, because I really _had_ thought I needed one...for a while. But not any longer. He didn't really need to know, did he? It would only make him feel bad.

"You don't know," he repeated flatly. "Then tell me this: why did you talk to me about honesty on our wedding day if you didn't intend to honor the commitment yourself?" His face was hard and cold, and it made me feel empty inside.

"I didn't mean to! It was just easier to let things be...we've been happy, right? I was going to tell you today, actually―"

"Right, Bella. Keep trying, and maybe I'll believe you," he said coldly, getting up and stalking to the bathroom. The click of the lock behind him left me hollow inside.

I slumped down on the bed, hating the sting of tears that built behind my eyelids. All I heard was silence tempered by the hum of the shower in the background. Rennie pawed at my hair, flopping down and rolling around on top of it until we were both crackling with static. After a rather large shock, she settled her head on my shoulder and purred softly in a statement of feline sympathy. I closed my eyes, listing to the steady vibration, battling flashes of unease as I waited for Edward to exit the bathroom.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next time I opened my eyes, he was leaning over me, freshly-showered and smelling great and dressed in...scrubs? Oh, _fuck me_...

_**Yes, please!**_

Giving me a tight smile, he brushed at the dried tear tracks across one cheek. "I've got to go to work right now, but we'll talk later tonight, okay?" he promised. I nodded, sniffing experimentally to gauge my post crying-jag stuffiness.

"Take a muffin," I blurted, pointing at the nightstand. "They're Morning Glories, from Macrina Cafe." I offered him a tiny smile, hoping he couldn't see the way my mouth trembled.

_**Tell him to eat **_**your**_** muffin!**__  
__  
Oh, Jesus, please make them stop! I can't take them!_

Edward smiled at me so softly then, and then he was leaning forward to kiss me, tasting of toothpaste. His knees were on the bed in seconds as he stroked my lips with his tongue. Hovering over me, he pushed his way inside, thoroughly scrambling my thoughts with the heat of his mouth, and then he pulled away. I whimpered in disappointment.

"I've really got to go...we'll talk about this tonight," he said firmly, and then he was gone.

-w-

A good three and a half hours of frustration later, I pulled up in the Chief's driveway, crunching to a stop on the gravel behind his cruiser.

"He's worse than Alice," I muttered out loud as I spotted him right behind the screen door. Slamming the door of the rental behind me, I started for the porch. My father watched me tread carefully across the muddy lawn with a cocked eyebrow and a know-it-all smile.

"Where's my new son-in-law?" he asked from under his Old Spice man-stache.

"At work." I scowled at him. "Did you know I was coming? It sure looked like you were waiting for me."

"Well, when I didn't get a phone call on today, of all days, I thought you might be on your way," he confirmed with one of those small-town law enforcement authoritative nods. "I did get a call from your new sister, kid. She said you might be a little upset today." He didn't elaborate, but he didn't need to. One word explained everything: Alice. Oh, and Edward, her gossiping jerk of a brother.

_**Your **_**husband**_**...that is, if you haven't shot us into FUBAR territory.**_

Why did they suddenly sound like ex-Special Forces operatives?

"Why didn't you answer your phone, Bella? Are you joining that Oprah campaign to stop cell phone use in the car?" he asked, gesturing that I should precede him into the house.

"I didn't hear it ringing, Dad." _Wait a minute...Charlie watches Oprah?_ There was no way I could let that slide without at least a little teasing. "You watch Oprah?"

He paled behind his respect-my-authoritay-stache and started stuttering. "Er...no, I must have heard someone talking about it at the station."

"Oprah's a popular topic at the jailhouse, huh?"

"It was one of the deputies' wives," he shot back a little too quickly, hurrying to the kitchen. I wondered if he'd come back with beer or Coke.

"Sure," I said with a smirk, sinking into the couch in a boneless slump. Taking a minute to survey my surroundings, I noticed that the Chief's place looked suspiciously clean. If I wasn't mistaken, it almost looked like there was a woman's touch here and there around the living room. Tiny little clues started falling into place: the cleanliness of the bachelor pad, my father's curiously easy-going attitude about the wedding, Oprah...

They all pointed to one conclusion: the Chief had a girlfriend! How exciting!

It seemed like he took forever in the kitchen, and when he returned, I could see why. While he'd grabbed a beer for himself, he'd also taken the time to pour me a glass of soda. I guessed he knew I wouldn't be staying here tonight. I had to get back home, with Edward.

"Who are you dating?" I demanded with a grin, shocking the hell out of him.

"Who am I dating?" he blurted, and then his face changed to what I'd always called the Cop Face as a kid. "What makes you say that?"

Ah, the old answer-a-question-with-a-question routine. I began to list the reasons one by one, ticking them off on my fingers. He interrupted me halfway through.

"Hey, I'm not harassing you about Edward, okay? Give your old man some privacy, kid."

I let it go, knowing he'd tell me eventually. He was right ― the least I could do for him was return the same kindness he'd shown me. He was my father, and he'd be there for me no matter what.

"Thanks for that, Dad ― you know, for being so supportive."

"Bella, you don't have to thank me. It's what parents are supposed to do, I think."

_Oh, pragmatic, practical Charlie...  
_  
"I'm still going to thank you. And...can we talk for a minute?"

"You're not pregnant, are you?" he asked baldly.

"No! It's nothing like that!" _Wow, this is going to be even more embarrassing than I thought_. "We had a fight," I admitted, and with that, my shoulders slumped even more. I didn't think it was possible to even move from the couch at that point. Sam must have sensed an ambivalent lap was ripe for the taking and he hopped right up, curling into my legs and plopping his head on my thigh. Absently, I patted his head, trying not to think of myself as the quintessential villain in a James Bond movie, calmly stroking his cat or tiny dog as he confessed his misdeeds.

"When Edward and I came back from our trip, I never gave up my apartment. I was stupid and scared, and I didn't know how to talk to him about it. We never really discussed the living arrangements ― we just ended up at our new place―" I paused, shocked at my word choice. _Our new place..._ It _was_ ours. There were bits of me everywhere in the loft; there had been before we left for Hawaii, actually. And things were good...great, even.

"What's wrong, Bells?" Charlie asked, draining his beer and leaning forward in his recliner.

"I was scared, Dad. I didn't know if I made the right choice in marrying Edward so soon, but I've finally realized that I know I didn't. He's the one I want, no matter when I married him.

"But when it came to giving up the apartment...losing the one safety net I had...there was a tiny part of me that needed a backup plan in case one of us flaked out on the whole marriage thing." One of us, meaning _me. _"This morning, I was going to tell Edward everything. I was going to tell him all about being scared, and how I realized I don't have to be when I'm with him. He makes me feel safe, Dad," I finished, mortified that I was somehow crying.

"Kid, that's a great thing. What has you so upset?" he asked, and he now wore his Stern Dad Face. "Did he do something to you?" he demanded with a frown.

"No! No, Dad...it was all me. I left my phone at home when I went to get breakfast this morning. My landlord called about a maintenance problem, and Edward answered. Why couldn't I have had just another hour this morning! I was going to tell him...and then when he does find out, it's not from me.

"I know you know about his drinking problem. He and I discussed that before we went through with the ceremony, and I asked him to always be truthful with me. I told him if we were honest with each other, we could get through anything. And the first thing I do? I break that promise!" I was crying in earnest now, and Charlie looked extremely distressed. But he didn't hover or try to give me comfort I didn't want. The only person I wanted to hold me was Edward.

He left the room for a moment, and returned with two boxes. One was Kleenex, and the other one was wrapped with brightly colored paper.

"Dad, you remembered," I said warmly, pleased with the small size of the box.

"Like I'd forget my only daughter's birthday," he boasted, handing over the Kleenex first. "Even though I'm pretty damn late in mailing it. Good thing you showed up today."

"I think Edward forgot," I muttered quietly. And there it was: the one thing that bothered me most about today. But I still held out hope that he'd pull something grand out of his ass tonight.

_**That sounds so dirty, Bella. Almost fun...**_

___Get your mind out of the gutter, girls._

"He's still got tonight, doesn't he?" Charlie asked. I nodded. "So, open your present." He looked so young, grinning like that. Well, except for the CHiPs-stache. I half-expected him to rub his hands together like a little kid.

I tore into the paper and opened the box to reveal a sterling-silver picture frame, the metal cut into an intricate lace pattern. It had the patina of an aged, well cared-for heirloom, tarnish etched into the grooves and lines and flourishes, giving the frame the appearance of delicate metal lace.

"That was your Grandma Swan's. It was one of her wedding gifts. I..." he trailed off, as if he didn't know whether or not more details were necessary.

"It's beautiful, Dad. Thank you so much. I love it."

"I thought maybe you could put one of your wedding pictures in there," he said gruffly. "And maybe you could send me a copy or something."

"Of course! I will, I promise."

"I'm going to give you some advice...father to daughter. Talk with Edward. Don't shut him out. You know what that's like now, don't you?" He stopped long enough for me to nod.

"Yes, and I hate it," I answered.

"So talk with him about how you feel. I bet he's willing to be more than understanding where you're concerned." Now he looked uncomfortable, as if he'd said too much. I didn't press him for more. "And one more thing: I told your mother about your recent change in marital status. I don't think she believed me. You might want to call her about that."

I laughed, shaking my head. "One mountain at a time, Dad."

Strangely enough, I felt energized after our little chat. It was nearly time to head back, anyway, so I urged Sam off my lap, stood, and stretched before searching my bag for the phone ― which was nowhere to be found. I went out to search the rental car, noting the dark clouds heading right for us. Great. Late summer storms...how fun. The search in the car was unsuccessful as well, and I tried to remember the last place I'd seen my phone ― which would have been in Edward's hand this morning. _Shit. No phone._

It started pouring just as I got back to the porch, with a sharp flash of lightning and a crack of thunder.

"I think I left my phone in Seattle," I said when I was safely inside.

"You can use mine," Charlie said, already handing me his cell phone.

I called Edward's cell, but got voicemail. I told him where I was and that I would be home tonight, and I'd leave as soon as the storms passed...and that I loved him. I gave him Charlie's number to contact me. I even called my phone and left the same message, just in case he spotted it at home and got curious again.

There was nothing to do but wait out the storm, so Charlie switched on the television, getting lost in the baseball playoffs. I was not looking forward to the drive home. I just wanted to be curled in my bed ― the one I shared with Edward ― waiting for my husband to come home from work. Maybe we could take another shower together or...something.

The wind was growing worse and worse outside, the raindrops pelting the windows with a force that seemed too great for mere water droplets. Lightning flashed, so close I could smell the bite of ozone a second before the thunder struck, taking the lights out with it.

"That's a big one out there," Charlie commented uselessly. I tried not to panic about parking a rental car directly underneath the branch of the ancient tree in the front yard. With my luck... Nervously, I went to the window, peeking out at the drive. Like I'd had a fucking premonition, a heavy gust of wind blew through the yard, and the sky was illuminated for just a second by lightning.

I saw the branch crack, and then it went dark. That was when I heard the crunch of shattered glass and the groan of strained metal.

"Oh, fuck me!" I muttered, slapping my palm to my forehead. "The tree branch just fell on the car!"

"ISABELLA SWAN...er..._Isabella Cullen_..." He paused, looking at the glittering ring on my left hand before staring at the floor uncomfortably. "Ladies do not curse like that," he finished sternly.

"You do it!" I accused, pointing at him. It wasn't like he could see me in the dark, but I resisted the urge to give him the finger. More lightning would probably strike just as I flipped the Chief the bird, and he'd see. "How am I going to get home now?" I wondered out loud.

"Your Edward will come and get you," he said simply. "And you two will go home together...after I have a little chat with my new son-in-law."

Great. I only hoped that a conversation with the Chief wouldn't send him running for the court steps after the fiasco this morning. My worry grew worse with the storm outside, and Charlie finally gave up waiting for the lights to come back on and rustled around for some candles.

An hour later, the rain had tapered to a drizzle, and one of Charlie's buddies at the towing company was removing the limb from the smashed car so he could hitch it up to the truck. Pictures had been taken and a police report had been made for insurance purposes. On days like this, it was a very good thing to have family in law enforcement.

I still hadn't heard from Edward, and he wasn't answering his phone. I'd called until Charlie's cell battery was dead, and we had no way to recharge it until power was restored. Worry churned in my stomach, and my paranoia ran wild. Perfectly good excuses for Edward's unavailability, like getting held up at work, warred with other reasons ― like horrible accidents ― in my head, until Charlie told me to go lie down in my old room for a bit and get a hold of myself. My father hated it when I acted all girly, so I decided to take his advice and spare him my wifely angst. The electricity was still out, so I took one of the candles up to my room and set it carefully on the dresser. At least if I let it melt down to the bottom and accidentally set the place on fire, hopefully I'd wake up before it got close to me...though, my luck today hadn't been the best.

On second thought, I blew out the candle. Best not to tempt fate.

-w-

I woke from a terrible nightmare where Tanya turned into a really hot chick and Edward left me for her. I might have cried if it wasn't so ridiculous. There was still a bit of residual anger there, however. My wish for Edward to be here grew stronger, if only so I could give him a little kick in the shin in repayment for his dream-self's actions.

The clock on the nightstand flashed twelve a.m., letting me know the power was back on. I made no move to get up, however, because it was pitch-black outside, and it looked like I'd be stuck here for the remainder of the night. _But if the power is back on, I can call Edward from the house phone..._

Why hadn't he called? Maybe I slept through it if he did? I used to sleep through the house phone ringing all the time...

_What if he's not okay? Oh, God...I can't even let myself think about that...I can't lose him._

Or...what if he didn't want me anymore?

Suddenly, knocking and bumping around downstairs jarred me out of my Doomsday freakout. I scrambled out of bed, freezing at the top of the stairwell. Voices soared straight up the stairs, and one of them made my stomach flip and spurred the girls into full out Praise-Jesus mode.

"Put the Desert Eagle away, Chief," I heard him say, and it sounded like he was laughing...laughing!

"Cullen! Took you long enough," my dad said blandly, like he'd expected this from the beginning.

"'I've come for your daughter, Chuck'," Edward said, bringing a huge smile to my face. Charlie's guffaw floated up the stairs.

"You sure know her better than anyone...I hope she's up there eavesdropping on your _Beetlejuice_ quotes. Lord knows she's probably awake, what with all the racket you made." He lowered his voice, and the rest of what he said was lost. I blinked, rubbing at my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them, Edward was standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking rumpled and absolutely gorgeous in his wrinkled scrubs from this morning. His hands were stuffed in his pockets sheepishly, and he started up the stairs with a slow smile.

I was in his arms as soon as he reached the landing, burying my face in his neck. God, he smelled so good...

"You came," I breathed, hugging him tighter.

"I wasn't sure if you'd want me to," he admitted softly, walking with me to my bedroom. He left the door open, and I frowned, picking my head up to look at him. "I think your father wants the door left open. He did say I could sleep in here, though," he explained. "Since we're married."

"Why wouldn't I want you to come?" I laughed, wiggling out of his arms and going over to shut the door and flip on the overhead light. But when I turned back to him, what I saw made my heart clench.

"I thought you'd left me," he said quietly, his face creased in hurt.

"Oh...no, no, no...I wasn't leaving you! I promise, Edward! Didn't Charlie tell you? A huge tree limb fell on the rental car!" I rushed out, just wanting to take that look from his face. "I didn't even plan to come here today, but I just...I needed..." Shrugging, I let my explanation trail off. My feet seemed rooted to the floor. I wanted to go to him; I just couldn't. "I left you lots of messages..."

"I've started turning my phone off when I'm in the car. I have friends in the ER, and believe me, some horrible accidents are caused by inattentive drivers on their cell phones. And Oprah did a special on it."

I groaned. "Not you, too!"

"It's on in the break room at the hospital sometimes," he said in defense.

"I was worried," I admitted softly. "I was starting to think bad things."

"I think we just had some unfortunate near-misses," he said wryly, crooking a finger in my direction. "But everything's okay now. Promise."

"I owe you an apology," I whispered, averting my eyes as I returned to stand by his side.

"Bella," he said uncertainly, taking my hands in his. "I'd like to go first, if you wouldn't mind."

Oh, no...this is bad...he wants to let me down easy.

_**No! The Precious can't leave us! We'll ruin him! We know Glenn Close, and we can quote **_**Fatal Attraction!**

"Sure," I manage in a hoarse croak, trying valiantly to ignore the girls.

From his scrub pocket, he pulled out an oblong robin's egg blue box tied with a white ribbon. He urged me to sit back on the bed and followed, settling close beside me.

"Happy Birthday, Bella..._my_ Bella. I hope this is the first of many birthdays I get to spend with you. I'm sorry we had to leave things like that this morning. I meant to give you this then, but I was angry, and then you were sleeping..."

Speechless, I slowly untied the ribbon and pried the lid off the box. Inside was a sparkling silver bracelet adorned with several charms. A large, whole, glittering cut-crystal heart was the most prominent charm, but all of them sported polished metals and glinting gemstones that looked suspiciously real.

"Oh, Edward...I..." I looked up into his warm eyes, glowing green and loving, and I felt true joy ― one of those moments where I felt I could shoot rainbows and hearts straight out of my chest in my own version of the CareBear Stare. _Sickening, I know_. "Thank you. It's beautiful."

"Alice was the one who suggested the bracelet, but I picked out all the charms myself," he said proudly, watching me with my favorite grin curving his lips.

I turned my attention to the bracelet, shifting it this way and that in my hands, examining each individual charm. There was a bike, a jeweled flower, a tiny cat, a set of silver wedding bands and, strangest of all, a solid metal t-bone steak. A Schwartz logo studded with tiny, sparkling chips dangled next to the bike. It had to be custom-made. And those sparkly little stones...I refused to call them diamonds. I turned over the little disc, grinning as I read "Spaceballs: The Bracelet" inscribed on the back.

Right next to the crystal heart, there was a dangling napkin charm with the letters SH engraved on one side. No one had ever done anything so nice for me... This thing was too valuable for everyday wear, yet I wanted to put it on and never take it off. There was so much _thought_ here... And the spacing was perfect ― there, among the charms that represented our past ― was plenty of room left for the charms of our future.

I lunged in his direction before I realized I was moving. "It's perfect! I love it. I love you." I blurted.

"I love you, too, Bella. So much." He caught me, arranging me on his lap so he could fasten the delicate chain around my wrist. When he was finished, he pressed a warm kiss lightly on the inside of my arm and let my hand drop into my lap.

I appreciated his gesture, because he knew I needed a little bit of distance to say what I needed to say. His eyes were dark and hooded as I forced myself to make eye contact while I apologized. It was the least I could do.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I really _was_ going to tell you about the apartment this morning. For a while now, I've known that wherever you are is where I belong. I'm happy with you. Beyond happy...ecstatic. I'm ready to get rid of it all...this apartment, the fear, the weirdness, and I'm going to stop trying to convince myself that this is all a really great dream that I'm going to wake up from really soon. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," I said quietly, trying not to shake so hard that he noticed it. Which meant I pretty much had to keep myself from shaking at all, considering I was sitting on his lap. "You're my forever." It was that simple, and it was the complete truth.

"All day, I kept thinking about what you said...when you accused me of not keeping my end of the honesty commitment. You know, you're right about the honesty thing. I blew it, and I'm a huge hypocrite. I just hope you can give me another shot."

"You'll always get another shot from me, Bella. I love you...you're my life, and I couldn't be happier. It's why I knew I wanted to marry you, as quickly as possible, and start spending every waking moment being yours. But we've got to talk to each other. No more hiding," he finished firmly, kissing me on the nose.

"No hiding," I promised, watching as his lips slowly descended to mine.

That night, we came together slowly, gently, and in complete silence. Naked, Edward stretched out above me, pinning my wrists to the headboard in one of his hands. His lips never left mine, unless it was to fasten them around my nipples or between my legs. When I couldn't take it anymore, I bucked my hips up into his face, letting him know it was time to get busy. He dragged his wet mouth up my body, kissing me deeply as he rubbed one palm over my nipples, one at a time. I could feel his erection resting right in the wetness between my legs, and I knew we were just a moment away from...

Then his lips left mine for a moment, and a soft moan escaped me. When his mouth returned to me, he cupped my jaw, holding me in place.

"Quiet, now," he chided in a soft whisper. "I don't think I can stop...and we don't want an audience."

"You wouldn't stop?" I breathed, unable to resist asking.

"Never," he promised, sealing our mouths together in a hot, wet crush of lips and tongue. His hand left my jaw to reach between us, guiding himself into me in an easy slide. He muffled my sounds, kissing me deeply and without pause, his own occasional groans tickling my lips. I wrapped my legs around his waist, meeting him thrust for thrust as he began a rhythm that was sure to end us both in minutes. He held my wrists in one hand again, and I loved it. Tonight, I needed that feeling of being _his_ ― held in place for his pleasure ― primitive as it might have sounded. His thumb smoothed in small, steady circles against the peak of my sex as he kept his thrusts slow and measured. They weren't long, but deep, as if he couldn't bear to be too far away from me. It wasn't long before I was shuddering around him, pressing my lips to his with a force that surprised myself.

He followed me soon after, burying his face in my neck and breathing hard.

We went to sleep fast, too lazy to even move from each other. We simply adjusted ourselves until we were comfortable, still tangled together. As I drifted off, I made a mental note to strip the sheets first thing in the morning, because I did _not_ want Charlie to see any black-light sensitive substances on the sheets.

I'd do the laundry early and cook breakfast, which ought to distract my father from the washing machine. Laundry had been a chore of mine when I was younger, and I always did my own clothes as well as helped the Chief with his on occasion. _It just might work_, I thought...

"Bella!" Edward said as he gently gripped my shoulder. "Wake up...you're talking in your sleep again."

_Ooops_. I wondered how much I'd actually said. "Sorry."

"It's okay," he murmured, kissing my temple. Soon, he was breathing deep and regular again, and I started to join him in sleep. But just as I was about to drift off, I remembered something. My birth-control pills were back in Seattle. And I was one of those weird people who took them at night.

_**Oooh, you're such a gracious opponent, Bella...giving us a sporting chance...**_

I refused to listen after that. It was only one pill, and the odds were low.

As I finally went to sleep for the last time that night, I realized that this would probably be one of several brushes with procreation Edward and I would have as a married couple. It didn't scare me in the least. I trusted him to be right there with me, no matter what happened. Our life would always require some...editing, but that was the fun part about it. It was what had drawn us together in the first place, and it wouldn't fade away. We adapted well, and we did it better when we worked it out as partners.

I was going to work it out...with Edward.

_Sometimes it's when you think your manuscript is perfected that you get in trouble. A curve ball comes your way, and you've got to adapt...because life is a work in progress_.

* * *

_Okay, folks, we've reached the end of our little journey with these two, except for the epilogue. Give me a some time to write it, and I'll post it here. I've got a commitment for FGB that I need to work on first. :)_

_I do have outtakes I want to write (a couple are mostly written), which will probably be posted under Completed Work. I've also got a few stories planned out right now, so if you'd like to read stuff from me in the future, put me on author alert._

_Thank you all for reading, from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for sticking with me till the end, even though I delivered your fluff with a little bit of WTF. I told you I would make it all better, didn't I?_

_Last, but definitely not least, many thanks to anyone who's helped me with this story during this long ass time...I would try to name all of you, but I'm terrified I'll forget someone. Betas, prereaders, and friends, thank you so much. Why do I feel like this is some sort of acceptance speech?  
_

_And now I'm all verklempt. You're all like buttah. Thank you again._


	40. Smut Monday Outtake

**Title:** The Girls Earn Their Wings

**Pairing:** BxE

**Category:** AU/AH, Humor/Romance

**Standalone or From Story:** From _Work in Progress_

**Link to Author Profile:** .net/u/1777724/araeo

_A/N: This is a future-shot/outtake from my story, Work in Progress, though I think this one can stand alone. It takes place between the last chapter and the epilogue. Join Bella, Edward, and the girls for a little mile-high fun. For those of you not familiar with WiP, "the girls" are Bella's ovaries, and they're very opinionated ― and very possessive of their Precious._

_Thank you AmeryMarie and famouslyso for beta duties and extra eyes. Any errors are mine._

_Thanks to Hope/Manyafandom for letting me submit an entry for SM (no, SMeyer, that's not you!)._

_Disclaimer: SMeyer owns all things Twilight. I own the talking ovaries._

* * *

I hated flying.

Correction: I hated flying home from vacation.

Being packed like a sardine on a stuffy, tiny commuter jet was wearing my nerves to the final axon, and we had yet to leave the runway on our first leg back from Los Cabos. Someone's kid had been steadily kicking my chair ever since we boarded the plane, and I was afraid I'd be peeing blood for the next couple of days. The little bastard ought to be bottled and sold as birth control. He'd even managed to scare the girls into silence.

I did appreciate the reprieve, however. Ever since Alice and Jasper got pregnant, the girls had been worse than ever, and as little Charlotte Renee Whitlock's birthday approached (of course, Alice had pre-planned the names of her impending two to three children), the girls' chatter had become a little too active. I hadn't thought they could get any worse than when our nephew E.J. was born, but apparently helping Alice shop for little baby girl outfits was the equivalent of pure Colombian powder to my ovaries.

None of that mattered at the moment, however, as the demon spawn landed another perfectly placed kick. _Swear to God, that kid is going to sever my spine._

"I'm gonna kill him, Edward," I muttered, my knuckles turning white as I punished the armrest with a death-grip.

"Patience, Biff. He has to tire of it eventually," he said, unfolding my fingers from the armrest and taking my hand in his. "Do you want to switch seats so your poor kidneys can have a break?" I started to refuse, but he was already standing, making way so I could have his aisle seat.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is my son bothering you?" the kid's mother simpered, having caught sight of Edward as he stood. I snuck a look at her between the seats, wishing she would put as much energy into disciplining her kid as she did into messing with her phone or eye-fucking my husband. This was the first thing I'd heard her say regarding her child's awful behavior.

"No, no, we're just switching seats," he replied, flashing her a distracted smile. From the look on her face, I'd have thought she just found a hundred dollar bill in her seat back pocket. I looked at him in disbelief, and he shrugged. "I don't want to get into a long, drawn out discussion on child discipline."

"You're a chicken," I teased, covering my smile with my hand when the kid kicked him and he winced.

"No I'm not; I'm non-confrontational," he returned, pushing up the armrest and drawing me under his arm.

"Same difference." I gave in, sinking into his side and resting my head on his shoulder.

Once we were airborne, the kid pulled out his portable DVD player and proceeded to watch some horrible cartoon without headphones at maximum volume.

"We're on the plane to hell, aren't we?" I groaned. "Keep your eyes out for terrorists and snakes. And you might want to check the wings for little sabotaging monsters."

"Children are such a joy, aren't they?" Edward joked, laughing.

"Joy-_kill_, you mean."

"Now, now, wife...you don't want to bear _my_ offspring?"

"I didn't say that...you're the only one I'd make potential babies with."

_**Potential, our metaphorical asses! It's our duty to procreate with the Precious.**_

_Damn. I knew I couldn't hope to go without them__ for very long_...

"So you're ready to throw out your pills when we get home?"

I just stared at him, my mouth hanging open in shock. Was he serious? Did he really expect me to let him knock me up right after this? Once we took that step, we wouldn't get another peaceful vacation for a very long time. Bye bye exotic beaches, hello Mickey Mouse.

Gag me.

"Stop panicking, Bella, I'm kidding," he soothed, kissing my ear. "Relax."

"No," I pouted. "I'm not ready to go back yet. Let's run away. You can buy me a private island, name it after me, and we can live there like Tom Hanks in _Castaway. _I'll be Wilson."

He laughed, and I could feel the vibrations of the warm sound sink into my skin where our bodies touched.

"We wouldn't have to live like castaways. I'd build you a very sophisticated treehouse, at the very least," he assured.

"One of the many reasons I love you. You're so handy." I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder again and letting my eyes drift shut. The kid landed another kick, and I winced along with Edward. I rested a palm on his chest and patted lightly in commiseration.

"Many reasons?" he asked, slipping his fingertips under the hem of my shirt, touching the bare skin of my waist.

I gulped, trying to calm my suddenly racing heart. "Infinite," I managed in a scratchy whisper.

"Tell me some."

"You already know," I mumbled, heat filling my cheeks.

"Stroke my ego, then," he urged, his voice becoming deeper as he spoke directly into my ear, that soft, sexy tone melting my insides into one heavy coil of lust in my belly. "Tell me, love."

"Well...let's see...you've got a nice car." I snickered, pressing my cheek into his shoulder. He growled softly in the back of his throat, and the sound sent goose-bumps racing over my skin. "You play a game-controller guitar like no one's business."

He snorted.

"You've got a gigantic...brain." Edward shifted in his seat at that one, trying to discreetly readjust himself. "Looks like we shouldn't have put your precious blanket in the overhead bin," I teased.

"Don't knock the blanket. I'll make you appreciate it."

"Promises, promises, Edward. You've been making that one for a while."

"And I _will_ make good on it, believe me. Whenever you least expect."

"Right," I laughed, trying to cop a quick feel and getting caught almost immediately. He snatched my wrist away from his lap and brought my fingers to his lips for a kiss.

"Just wait," he said lowly, his mouth once again at my ear. He nipped my earlobe sharply, and I wasn't sure if my gasp was due to the slight pain or the hot slide of his tongue as he soothed the sting of his teeth.

"This behavior is very inappropriate for a public place, Edward," I managed breathlessly, trying to hide my red face from any onlookers. The rest of the world started dropping away, just like it always did when we were together.

"Since when has that stopped us?"

"It never stops _you_." I was really beginning to wish we had our own private jet ― with a bed or, at the very least, a chair that reclined 180 degrees.

"You want me to tell you what I'd like to do to you right now?" he asked, his voice getting softer, more intimate. It was _my_ voice, the one he only used for me. I could picture the way his lips would form the words, and it had me clenching my thighs together in excitement.

"Not here!" I whispered, knowing I was fighting a losing battle.

"Humor me. I switched seats with you. It will distract me from Pele back there." Between each sentence, he laid a soft kiss against my hair. _He does have__ a point.__  
__  
__**He certainly does, Bella. He's got a very...very nice**_** point**_**.**_

So that's what they were calling it.

"It's a long way to the next airport, and you need to help me pass the time," he murmured softly, and I could almost feel every word down low. I was a goner.

"So, what would you like me to do, Bella? If we were alone, would you like me to peel off your clothes, piece by piece?" As he spoke, his fingertips feathered over the curve of my waist in a rhythm that matched his speech. I could feel every stroke, each touch sending sizzling current to every erogenous zone in my body ― which was just about everywhere when he was concerned. His finger dipped into the groove of my spine, sliding just underneath the waistband of my skirt, and I know he felt the shiver it caused me.

"Edward, please stop." It sounded fake, even to me. We both knew I wanted him to keep going.

"I want to put my lips on every inch of you," he continued, and the heat of his breath at my ear triggered a flash of heat that left a mist of sweat on my forehead. "And what if I followed with my tongue?"

Holy. Shit. I was surprised my underwear didn't spontaneously combust.

"Mmmm," he sighed, and grazed my earlobe with the lightest brush of his tongue. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"You're going to kill me," I groaned under my breath. He'd triggered a full-body blush, and I was blazing from head to toe.

"Shh," he breathed, going still as he clamped me to his side. I wondered what was going on, but when I heard the clank of the beverage cart, my heart stopped. The girls had to run up and shock it back to life. "Don't move..."

_No chance of that!_ _And why do I feel guilty? We're not really doing anything!_

And that was the thing: though his touches were innocent, his words were anything but. They were sex, pure and simple; and combined with the Tractor Beam, how could I hope to resist?

Edward must have been pretending to be asleep too, since the flight attendant passed us without offering us our complimentary glass of flat soda. My body was stiff with tension as we waited, and it seemed to take forever. He ran a comforting hand up and down my back, nuzzling his nose in my hair, his chest rising as he took a deep breath.

"You're sniffing me again." I smiled against his chest, knowing what would come next.

"You smell good. I can't help it." He blatantly took another sniff. The seat creaked loudly as he shifted, widening his legs. I stiffened, thinking the sound would let everyone on the plane know what was going on in these two tiny seats near the front of the plane.

"Weirdo," I taunted softly, earning a soft laugh.

"You love me."

"I do." I pulled back to see his face. "So much." His smile was soft, crooked, and _mine,_ and I raised my lips to meet his halfway when he moved to close the distance between us. The feeling, the _rightness_ I felt when Edward kissed me hadn't lessened from that first day, it had only grown.

"I know," he answered smugly when he pulled away. "But I love you more."

I rolled my eyes at the sickening, familiar argument. If I was an eavesdropper on some of our conversations, I might be tempted to vomit at the cuteness. _I_ would if I witnessed anyone else acting that way.

"Not possible," was my standard response, and I smiled like an idiot while I said it.

Once again, he dipped his mouth to my ear. "Is that so?"

"Yes." It came out more as a sigh than a word.

"Do you love me enough to let me touch you?"

_Oh, fuck...I know that voice. He's going to talk me into something, I know it.__.._

"You _are_ touching me," I hedged, trying to keep myself from shaking in his hold.

His soft, wicked laughter was scorching in my ear, sending liquid tendrils of arousal coursing all through me. "Do you want me to keep touching you? To slide my fingers under that long skirt of yours and put my hands on your soft, smooth skin?"

I wanted to reply, I really did. It just wasn't possible.

"How high would you let me go?" His hand came to rest on my knee, the warmth of his palm seeping through the thin linen of my skirt. I could feel the slightly rough fabric brushing against my skin as he inched the hem up, until he could trace circles over the sensitive skin at the back of my knee.

I pushed my face into his shoulder, finally managing to make my hand obey my brain enough to pinch his side, earning a yelp ― but he still didn't withdraw his touch. "Now's really not the time to exercise your mad seduction skills," I told him shakily. We both knew I was putty in his amazing, pornographic hands. He'd stop when he wanted to, and not a minute before. And we'd both enjoy it ― if we didn't do something stupid, like get caught.

"Would you let me put my fingers inside you? Make you come?" He squeezed the muscle just above my knee as he spoke. "You would, wouldn't you? You always let me do whatever I want..." His hand wandered a few inches higher, daring me to stop him. When his wrist started to disappear underneath the bunched-up fabric of my skirt, I grabbed his forearm.

"Not. Here." I tried to be convincing, but the weak voice wasn't exactly working in my favor. I sounded like a palsied sheep. "The plane is full!"

"Don't worry, love. This is just the warm-up. As of this morning when I checked us in, our connecting flight to Seattle was almost empty," he murmured, lips brushing my ear. I let out a shuddering breath, wondering if he could feel my heart pounding where my chest was pressed against his side. "I'll make good on all my promises...and you'll let me, won't you?"

Who ever said married life was dull? They obviously didn't have a husband like Buttercup.

-x-

As we packed our things away in the overhead bin a few hours later, Edward made a big deal of eying all the empty space around us. The aircraft for our connecting flight was much bigger than the tiny regional jet we'd been on earlier. We had twice the space for the same amount of passengers, it seemed.

_**Lucky us.**__  
__  
_Yes. Lucky us, indeed.

I was buckling myself in when Edward jumped up to rifle through the bin. "Here it is," he said with a grin, snapping his red travel blanket open with a flourish. He held it to the side, reminding me of a matador.

_**Are we the bull? **_**Toro**_**, Bella.**_

With a flick of his wrist, he tossed it in my lap, and was seated next to me in seconds. He waggled his eyebrows, making me laugh at him.

"That's not a good look for you," I giggled.

"You're a liar. Everything's a good look for me," he said with a searing look and a half smile that dripped pure sex. _Didn't I know it_.

He'd been teasing the hell out of me since the word sex on the earlier flight, and I wasn't sure if I could take much more. As the plane had made its final approach into Houston, he'd backed off, but things had heated up again as we waited in line to deplane. His hands made direct contact with my ass more than once. So did the Precious. And when I felt that, I couldn't move away, could I? There were children present, and they didn't need to see that.

_Right._ That's_ why I let him do it_. It wasn't like I could have just elbowed him in the gut, or given him The Look instead. Because I really had no defenses when it came to my husband and his crazy, sexy, mostly orgasmic (and sometimes embarrassing) ways.

Since our first flight had arrived almost half an hour late, we had to sprint to our next gate. I was lucky Edward didn't end up having to carry me. My clumsiness, tractionless flip-flops, the smooth airport floor, and our high rate of speed was not the best combination. We were some of the last people to board the plane, and we were barely situated before the door was closing for pushback and we were taxiing over to the runway.

As the plane climbed into the sky, I stared at the blanket, which was splayed out over my lap like some kind of scarlet letter. A sex beacon. To me, it just screamed "_I can hide all sorts of inappropriate and delicious things!_"

Edward seemed content to let me stew for the moment. He was pretending to read the same hardback I knew he'd finished on the way down here, but I didn't call him on it. Two could play at this game. I made a big show of getting out my earbuds and finding something to drown out the hum of the jet engines. It grew colder the higher we climbed, and I put the blanket to good use, arranging it so I was covered from shoulder to toe. My eyelids grew heavy as I warmed up, and eventually it was too much effort just to keep them open.

When I opened them again, it was dark, and the cabin was quiet. My earbuds were gone, and I was resting my cheek on Edward's shoulder. The blanket covered both of us, and his fingers lightly stroked my forearm underneath the fabric.

"Are you trying to wake me up?" I asked, my voice scratchy from disuse.

"Yes," he whispered, dipping his head so he could get indecently close to my ear. "Is it working?"

"No, I'm talking to you in my sleep," I returned with a grin.

"Oh, even better. You'll be much more susceptible to my lewd advances in your semi-conscious state."

"'Lewd advances'? Nice one, Lord Byron."

He laughed, a warm huff of breath against my neck. "Be quiet and let me seduce you."

I didn't get a chance to make fun of his seduction comment, because his mouth was on mine in an instant. We wound our arms around each other until we both found perfection in my arms tossed around his neck and his wrapped around my back. One hand rested on my hip, his thumb moving slowly over the groove of my spine underneath my shirt. Chills swept over me in a short, full-body shudder, causing me to bite down on his lip. A soft grunt of pain escaped him at the same time as he grew more forceful, pushing his tongue into my mouth.

I sucked in a deep breath as his hand lightly trailed around my side, slipping fully underneath my shirt to trace the underside of my breast. Just as quickly, his thumb and forefinger closed over my nipple through the thin material of my bra, pinching lightly before letting go. He did it again, and again, harder each time, only stopping when I whimpered at the beginnings of pain.

His thumb began to rub gentle, maddeningly slow circles around my nipple as he dragged wet lips over to my ear.

"I wish I could see you. Taste you. I can't wait to feel you on my tongue." I knew no one else could hear him ― we were several rows away from any other passengers and the cabin lights were low ― but I was still afraid of being discovered. However, it was incredibly hot to know that under Edward's travel blanket, the one I'd been making fun of since our first trip together, his hands were touching me very inappropriately.

And it felt oh, so good. _I will never make fun of Edward's preparedness ever again._ I made a mental note to make the girls write that sentence fifty times, on a black chalkboard...later.

I bit back a strangled moan as his fingers traced up to push the strap of my bra off of my shoulder, giving him room to pull the lace away from my breast.

"Your skin is so soft," he breathed, covering me with his palm. "If we were alone, I'd take this off...then I could watch your nipples turn as red as your lips when I suck on them."

_Lord.__..the man is going to kill me with his words. His silver fucking tongue will be the death of me.__  
__  
_I clung to him for dear life as he kept whispering, dropping kisses along my ear and neck as he did so.

"When I get you alone, I want to see every inch of you. I can't fucking wait," he murmured roughly, dragging his mouth back to mine. Now we were both breathing hard, our kisses reduced to brief grazes of lips and breath. His fingers were at the drawstring of my skirt before I knew it, loosening the tie, then grazing just underneath the fabric, and again I found myself swept under Edward's spell.

Quickly, he positioned me on his lap as if he was going to hold me while I slept. I curled my head into his shoulder and neck, resting my lips against his strong pulse and immersing myself in his scent. He rearranged the blanket about my shoulders and resumed his touching ― the wandering, tickling, freaking _amazing_ touching ― watching through a gap in the fabric. We could both see his hand moving underneath my shirt as he roughly plucked my nipple one last time, leaving it pressing obviously at the thin cotton.

I buzzed with heat and excitement when his hand went lower, disappearing into the darkness of the blanket and fading from my sight. But his touch still seared me as he slipped his hand beneath the thin cotton underwear and dipped two fingers between my lips, dragging the wetness up higher until his thumb could slide slickly over my clit. He exhaled slowly as he sank them inside me, swiping the pad of his thumb over the swollen peak in a perfect counter rhythm.

"Edward, what are you doing to me?" I panted, unable to believe I was doing this ― again. One of these days, he was going to get us arrested. He pressed the side of his face to mine, and I pushed my lips against his skin because I knew I was getting too loud.

Chuckling into my hair, he said, "Relax, and let me make you come, Bella."

Those blunt words, husky and honest, were the sexiest words I'd ever heard. "Oh, God...please," I whispered, lifting my hips against his hand.

"Can I do it harder, baby?" he breathed into my ear, withdrawing his fingertips to tease the sensitive skin at my entrance.

"Yes, please, do it," I begged, squeezing my eyes shut when I felt him sinking back in, his fingers twisting together and plunging deep. I arched against him, grinding my ass into his erection as he pumped his fingers inside me.

"Fuck, you feel so good...I want to feel you come around me." Pleasure burned and built around his fingers, fueled by his words until it reached a desperate pitch. But instead of giving in, I just hung there, stretched out on the plateau between intense tension and the moment of most perfect bliss.

"Almost there," I whispered in a tiny voice, "More..." Still working me with his thumb, he withdrew, swirling his fingers over the hot, wet flash between my legs, and then he pushed inside again, adding a third finger.

"Like that?" he mouthed into my hair, moving faster, sliding deeper. "Shit, I want to be inside you..."

That low growl, almost inaudible beneath the hum of the jet engines, and the delicious stretch of his fingers set me off; the pressure coiled hotly and I exploded, lifting my hips against his hand as I rode out my orgasm.

I opened my eyes when he slowly pulled his fingers from me, but left his hand resting low on my abdomen. My hand ventured over near his hip, and I curved my palm around the thick head of him. I didn't know how, but I was going to return the favor, flight attendants and passengers be damned. He stopped me, lacing my fingers through his and resting them on my thigh with a strangled moan.

"You have no idea how close I am to making a mess in my shorts," he whispered tensely.

I reached for him again. "Well, let's loosen them up and see if we can't make a mess _outside_ of them," I suggested evilly, gripping him tightly over the khaki.

"Bella! Shit...you can't...oh, you can't...stop, please," he begged, grabbing at my hand beneath the blanket. But when he caught it, he didn't pull me away or urge me on. He was fighting with himself, and I knew he wanted this just as much as I did. What I didn't understand, however, was why he was fighting.

"You don't want me to make you come?" I asked in a small voice, rubbing my hand lightly up his length.

"That can wait," he said softly, pulling the blanket down so I couldn't be as blatant with my groping. His eyes flashed hot and dark with banked frustration. "Bella, you've got to stop making me want you so badly..."

"Who says you have to stop wanting me? Why stop, when you can _have_ me?" I whispered with a smile. A quick glance around told me that we were better off staying in the empty section of the dark plane, instead of calling potential attention to our activities by moving. He gasped in surprise when I hit the recline button, adjusting the seat just enough to give me a little leverage. I slowly swung one leg over his, leaving me straddling his hips. Jerking the blanket up over my shoulders so it draped over us, I leaned forward under the guise of resting my head on his shoulder.

My lips grazed his neck as I whispered, "Ready for a little air show, Doctor?" Taking his hands in mine, I put them on my thighs and guided them upward, dragging my skirt with them.

"Shouldn't we be doing this in the bathroom?"

I had to stifle a snort at his bewildered question. "Believe me, we have more room here," I laughed softly into his neck. "Don't worry, it still counts. I Googled it."

"You did?"

"You mean you _haven't?_ I don't believe you, Dr. Exhibitionist." I left his hands resting on my hips, and he kept pulling, bunching the fabric around my hips. This time, he didn't resist when I went for his fly. I could see his pulse beating at the side of his neck, and I had to put my lips there. Slowly, I popped the button and drew the zipper down, my heart racing when I felt like every click of metal against metal was audible throughout the whole cabin.

"I might have...but I still pictured it in the bathroom." He'd dropped his head over mine again, and when he whispered, I could feel it against my lips on his throat, in his breath as it blew over my ear.

I pushed lightly at his shorts and spread the fly open, my jaw dropping in shock when I felt nothing but hot, hard flesh beneath. _Oh, yes...I've decided to __thank God for Edward's ability to prepare for everything..._

"Are you going to be picky?" I teased, licking lightly along his rapid pulse. He didn't even answer, just shook his head against mine. I grinned internally, filing that one away for bragging rights. He was panting. _Panting!_ Gripping him firmly at the base, I slowly pulled him free of his khakis, pumping his length a few times because I couldn't resist. In response, he hooked two fingers beneath the wet scrap of cotton between my legs.

"I want to rip these off of you," he said lowly, pulling with real force.

I nodded mutely against his neck, hoping the ripping sound wouldn't give us away. He tugged for a few seconds, finally jerking back and using his shoulder, but he just couldn't get the leverage to rip the good old sturdy cotton. I started giggling softly, because I knew how frustrated he was at this development.

"Shut up," he growled playfully, smiling wickedly as he finally just tugged them to the side and yanked me over his lap. The searing heat of him pressed against my inner thigh, effectively silencing my giggles. "Goddamn granny panties..."

"They are not!"

"Next time we fly, we're both going commando," he declared.

"No!" I blurted a little too loudly. I looked around, praying no one had heard. "Edward, hurry. I don't want to get caught. We probably should be quick..."

"Believe me, 'quick' isn't going to be a problem." With that, he positioned his head at my slit and forcefully pushed my hips down, holding me in place when I squirmed in surprise at the burning stretch. As I grabbed onto his shoulders, I barely managed to hold back a moan, happy when I restricted it to a whimper that I muffled in the soft, hot fabric of his shirt and the salty skin at his neck.

He slouched a little in the seat, pulling at my knees so they came up against the seat back, the meager angle of tilt perfect for once. It was a good thing I was pretty flexible, though. The boy took a lot of this physics shit for granted.

Then, physics and flexibility were forgotten as he pulled my hips into his, forcing himself even deeper. _Oh. My. Fuck. Why haven't we tried this at home, where I can scream? Because, holy SHIT, I need to scream right now!_

Being quiet became my only focus, because if I even started to think about how good he felt, I wouldn't be able to hold it in. How had I gone from the position of power to at his complete mercy in the span of an instant? Edward whispered quiet encouragement, words of love and beauty interspersed with a few more colorful phrases that made me grin at the same time as they turned me on.

His fingers bit into my hips as he moved me over him, up and down. Somehow, he managed to avoid making any noise, though it was quite possible I just didn't hear it and didn't care. I was suddenly on my way to another orgasm ― which seemed likely to be the big O to end all Os everywhere ― when I noticed his breath becoming harsh as his hips faltered and he lost his rhythm. He was breathing harshly into my hair, using his nose to root through the strands until he could kiss the shell of my ear.

"So good...gonna come." Long fingers dug into my hips as he held me in place for a few final, hard thrusts and went rigid, holding his breath until he slumped against the seat bonelessly.

_No, wait! Wait! I'm almost there...__  
__  
...crap.__  
_  
I was a little proud, and a lot frustrated. I'd succeeded in blowing his mind at thirty-five thousand feet, but in doing so, I'd given myself a rather severe case of Blue Girls.

"You weren't kidding when you said 'quick,'" I teased, trying to hide my sour grapes. "Did that even last two minutes?"

"Hey, now, don't go insulting my stamina. This is a very..._stimulating_ situation," he defended, pouting adorably.

"Buttercup, don't get all mad at me and go off half-cocked ― wait, you already did!" I giggled, hiding my face in his neck.

"Very funny, Bella. All you need is a snare drum and high-hat and you can take this show on the road," he snarked right back.

_**Bella, he sounds a little bitchy. J**__**ust like us!**_

I didn't even dignify them with a response, since I was rather impressed with his much-improved back-talking ability. _We'd better not become parents. Any children of ours are sure to be rotten little smart-asses.__  
__  
_"Nah, I could never deal with life on the road," I said, kissing his chin. I started to move away, but he refused to let go of my hips. "Let's not push our luck, Sex Hair." My voice died as his thumb dipped down to lightly circle my clit.

"Just give me a couple more minutes," he coaxed. "I know you're all wound up. Let me make it better." I was still sensitive, and the slick, delicate, delicious friction was more than enough to have me bucking my hips into his.

"I can't have you leaving this plane unsatisfied. It's the least I can do."

"If you insist," I breathed, getting lost in the Edward haze again. He fastened his lips right at the curve of my jaw, grazing my skin with teeth and tongue.

"I really―" he nipped me, and I jumped, barely managing to stay quiet, "―really do."

"No one's coming, right?"

"No one but you."

He had to cover my mouth when I came, but not because I was screaming. I was laughing at his horrible line.

-x-

It wasn't until we were finally lying in our own bed later that night that I remembered Edward's comment about having kids. I still wasn't really sure how I felt about it. Having children was this huge, intimidating milestone that terrified me ― something that was a given in the future, but not..._now_. At the same time, when I pictured Edward holding a baby that we made together, my heart clenched and the girls started making comments about the sweet smell of victory.

He'd be such a great dad ― he was wonderful with E.J., who idolized his uncle Edward to the point of pissing off his father. Emmett was devastated that his three-year-old son thought being a doctor was cooler than being a wrestler on T.V. But little E.J. was definitely his father's son. He'd been a mini-Meat Sweats ever since Rose started him on solid food.

"I can practically hear your brain working," Edward suddenly whispered. I hadn't known he was awake. He gave me a tight hug, and then backed off so he could pull me flat on my back. My eyes were adjusted to the lack of light, the glow from the night light in the bathroom just enough for me to make out his sleepy face. "What's wrong, love?"

"Nothing, really," I assured him, and it was the truth. Nothing was wrong...I was just stewing, as usual.

"Something's off. You're stewing," he accused, like he could read my mind.

"Okay, you've got me. You know what you said earlier today? About kids...and us?" He nodded, sidling closer to me on the bed. "Did you mean it? Even a little part of you?"

His brows drew together in a tired little frown, and he took a little bit to respond. "Bella," he said gently, "I really was kidding. I don't want to pressure you. If you're happy, then I am, too." Another lengthy pause, and then, "But...I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them someday, with you. Whenever you want."

"Does that mean you're ready, then?" Why was I not scared?

"Are _you?_"

"I don't know," I whispered, still wondering why this conversation wasn't as terrifying as I'd imagined.

"You know, the trying can be lots of fun," he said suggestively, lowering his lips to my neck.

"You get to do that anyway!"

"But it would be _different_," he insisted.

"How so?"

I swear I saw him blush, no matter how dim it was in the room. "Well, if you stop taking your pills, my...er..._swimmers_ would have a job to do." Yep, he was definitely blushing. Who knew?

"Did you just call them 'swimmers'?" I laughed, earning a light shove.

_**Give us the swimmers! We'll ensure they get the job done. **_

Of course my ovaries would be the equivalent of my body's HR department. They were mostly useless and just as hard to deal with.

"Did you want the technical term?" he said darkly, scraping his teeth over my jaw. "I can do that." He laid a soft, wet kiss just below my ear.

"Edward, I thought you wanted to have a conversation," I panted. His mouth was driving me insane.

"I thought we were," he murmured, his hands beginning to wander.

"So, what if I wanted to try?" I blurted, and he froze at my question. The girls did a double take, and then fainted dead away. They always went down when it counted. Such delicate little flowers!

He blinked, his lips twitching at one corner. "You want to try to get pregnant?"

Well, damn. I really wished he hadn't put it in such plain terms. It sounded pretty fucking scary when I thought about it that way. Pregnancy meant birth...and birth meant squeezing a baby out of my hoo-ha. Not my idea of a great time.

"How about we _not_ try...to _not_ get pregnant?" I finally managed, because that was the only way I could get it out without my heart stopping.

His face softened, his lips forming my favorite smile. "I think we can do that," he said, bringing his mouth to mine. After a moment, he pulled away to ask, "Are you sure that kids in general don't scare you?"

"Oh, they do," I said immediately, earning a laugh. "But I think I could handle it, with your help. I know you'd be a great father, Edward." I was grinning like a sap, but he was the only person I ever let see me like this. In front of him, it was all okay ― he understood.

"You do?" he breathed, and I hadn't realized how much my compliment would touch him.

"Well, yeah! You're great with E.J. And whenever we see kids out somewhere, you don't seem to mind them. You seem so easy with them...and it makes my ovaries hurt. " _Crap! I d__idn't mean to say that last one aloud!_

"I make your ovaries hurt? Is that good or bad?"

"Neither. It's scary...but it's a good kind of scary, I guess. Roller-coaster scary."

"That's been my whole life with you."

"Hey!" I smacked him lightly, aiming for his chest but hitting the swell of his shoulder.

"Have I mentioned how much I _love_ roller-coasters?"

"Funny."

"I thought so."

"You would," I shot back, stifling a yawn. "I still love you, though."

"I love you, too, Bella." His tone was deeper, and his green eyes were hot with intensity. "The thought of making you pregnant is such a fucking turn on...I'm almost ashamed of myself," he finished with a wicked grin. Cavella woke up at his words, sensing a little Caveward coming out to play.

"You know, someone once told me that practice makes perfect," I supplied, rather helpfully in my opinion.

"He must have been a fucking genius," he muttered, yanking back the covers and covering my body with his.

I had to agree. He married me, after all.

* * *

_I know, it's not the epi, but this will tide you over for a bit, yes? I hope so, anyway. Thanks for reading, reviewing and all that other awesome stuff. Until next time!_


	41. Epilogue: The Precious Revealed

_I don't own_ Twilight, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, _or_ Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

_So here it is. _

_Thanks to AmeryMarie and Famouslyso for beta work and comments. _

_This takes place a couple years in the future - but only a few months after the Smut Monday outtake (posted as chapter 40).  
_

_More at the bottom if you care about that kind of stuff._

* * *

**-Epilogue: The Precious Revealed-**

Going off the pill was hell. I started sprouting acne like I was fifteen again, my mood swings rivaled Edward's in the beginning of our relationship, and since the doctor advised us to use protection for three months afterward―something about allowing the uterine lining to develop proper thickness―I discovered that I'd developed an allergy to latex in the three or so years since we'd last had to deal with condoms. And let me tell you, non-latex condoms aren't that easy to find at the spur of the moment. However, my terminally-prepared husband fixed that issue by ordering what must have been at least three gross of prophylactics that he'd deemed acceptable. Thank God for the Internet.

But the trials and tribulations of what I'd secretly named 'Operation: Turn Bella into a Perpetual Teenager' weren't over, not by a long shot. Edward went to town after we were finally given the okay to ditch the condoms. It turned out that agreeing to 'not avoid' getting pregnant didn't get me knocked up. It got me a UTI. Edward said he felt terrible about his part in it, but I had my suspicions his remorse was partially due to the fact that I was out of commission for a while as a result. _Horny, sexy jerk_. He wasn't the one who had to down enough cranberry juice to fill a kiddie pool, not to mention the horse pills they called antibiotics. Not only did they do a thorough job of killing the bacteria infecting my urinary tract, but they killed bacteria _everywhere._

You know what I mean. After _that_, not only was I ready to buy stock in Ocean Spray, I was considering investing in all the major yogurt companies as well. Add to that the stress of a full-time job, plus helping out Alice by watching our niece three days a week, and my body was officially a time-bomb of bad female ju-ju.

Edward was his usual nosy, overprotective, 'I-am-a-doctor-and-my-word-is-equivalent-to-the-Word-of-God' self throughout it all, and at one point, I started to fear that he was going to bring home some stirrups from the hospital and tell me to hop on up and relax. It had been the source of a lot of bickering lately, and he brought it up again as he was getting ready for work one morning.

"Edward, for God's sake, I don't need a hematologist to give me a pelvic exam!" He scowled at that, and I took a moment to appreciate how adorable he looked when he was irritated with me.

"It's been a month, Bella! Obviously that quack doesn't have a clue. He's barely out of his residency!"

"Edward, stop being such a doctor snob." I crossed my arms over my chest and stared him down. "Dr. Biers comes very highly recommended―by your father, in fact." The girls perked up like they always did at any mention of Dr. Hoo-Ha. "And you know that going off the pill threw my chemistry―_down there_―out of whack. Dr. Biers isn't doing anything wrong."

Edward rolled his eyes and snorted, and damn him, he was still hot, even with that ridiculous expression. "I don't know what Dad was thinking. I bet that kid barely passed his boards," he muttered.

"Would you rather I made an appointment with Carlisle?" I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing at the shock and revulsion that took over his face.

_**Do it! We'd love to see Dr. Hoo-Ha up close and personal!**__  
__  
__Oh, Lord. I've created monsters._ I wondered, were it to ever actually happen, if they'd jump out of my body and grab Carlisle like a face-hugging alien baby.

I almost hated to disappoint them by not following through. But just the thought of spreading my legs for a speculum wielded by my father-in-law was too weird, even for me―no matter how hot the girls and I thought he was. That made it worse, actually. I didn't care that he was the head of the OB-GYN program at the hospital and that he'd seen literally thousands of hoo-has. He wasn't seeing mine―and those were the next words out of Edward's mouth.

"W-w-what?" he sputtered, his eyes wide, shaking his head. Then the scowl was back. "Hell. No. You are _not_ going to let my father see your vagina!"

I smirked. Teasing him was still so much fun. "Not interested in keeping it in the family, huh?"

He raked a hand through his hair and let out an exasperated groan. "Christ, Bella. Do you ever stop?"

"No. Do you want me to?" I grinned playfully at him, thoroughly enjoying yanking his chain.

"Yes! I can't even...I mean...no! My dad is _not_ seeing what's mine!"

"What's _yours_?" _Well, hello, Caveward_. "Oh, so that's what this is about! You're pissed that Dr. Biers has seen more of my pussy than you have lately." I covered my mouth to mute my laughter.

He fixed me with a death glare. "Don't remind me." He was so cute when he got all pouty and jealous. Too bad I was under orders to keep the Precious out of the Promised Land until I got the all-clear.

"Well, it's not like I did this all by myself, you know." I raised an eyebrow in his direction and tried to look seductive, just to torment him.

"Don't remind me." This time, the words were a whine.

I took pity on him and stretched up to give him a soft peck on the lips, linking my hands behind his neck as I did so. "Don't be that way. You know I take care of you." I rested my head on his chest and sighed as his arms came around my waist.

He dipped his head to kiss my cheek and rubbed his nose along mine. "And while I thoroughly enjoy you 'taking care of me'," he lowered his voice, letting his lips caress my skin as he spoke, "I miss being inside you."

God, I missed it, too. My stomach melted into a knot, and the girls tried to convince me that surely one little conjugal visit with the Precious wouldn't hurt. It had been so long...

"You just want to knock me up," I sighed, letting my body sink into his.

I could feel his smile against my cheek. "I'm more interested in fucking my wife. Knocking you up is just a bonus at this point."

"You're so romantic."

"I try." He nudged his hips against me.

"Is that you asking for some more TLC? You didn't get enough in the shower this morning?"

"Enough? Of you? What's that?"

Aww, he was so sweet. Until he opened his big mouth again.

"Especially when your lips are otherwise occupied."

I shoved away from him with a disgruntled frown, pushing against his chest, but he wouldn't let me go far. "Don't you have to work today?"

He chuckled, tightening his arms and leaning forward in an attempt to kiss me. I turned my head away, so he hit my cheekbone. He kept right on kissing, leaving soft, hot kisses across my cheek and down my neck. I shivered under his attention, my traitorous body unable to withstand his Tractor Beamy ways. When he made his way back up to my lips, his mouth never leaving my skin, the girls waved the white flag, and I surrendered.

Needless to say, Edward was late for work that morning, and I had another case of blue girls by the time he left. The things I did for the love of my life.

-x-

A couple weeks later, I was once again "back in the saddle," so to speak.

"I'm not seeing any inflammation, and your color is back to normal. I think we're looking good, Mrs. Cullen," Dr. Biers said as he rolled away from me on the little stool, his (latex-free) gloves snapping as he shot them into the bio-hazard bin like they were rubber bands.

I shot him a side-eyed glance as he went to the sink and began washing his hands. Gynecologists were so weird sometimes. _Looking good?_ Surely that wasn't an appropriate phrase when examining a patient's lady parts. _Though I guess it's better than "It looks like your vagina is back to its old, ugly self. Oh, and I think your aesthetician missed a spot..."_

_**Does this mean we get to see the precious? Does it? DOES IT?**_

I ignored them, though Devil Bella _and_ Angel Bella were making the whole situation worse by dancing the tango across my shoulders, tossing off pieces of clothing as they went.

Dismissing my wayward thoughts, I sat up gingerly, eager to get the hell out of the goddamn paper sheet and put my jeans back on.

"So I'm...ah...good to go?"

Dr. Biers didn't look up from my chart, where he was busily scribbling hieroglyphics next to a generic diagram of some lady parts. When he finally finished, he looked up with a knowing smirk.

"Yes." The girls jumped up and down, screaming and giggling like tweens. They then had a pillow fight in their underwear, and I could almost feel the miniature down feathers floating everywhere... "But―"

_Crap. There's always a "but."_

"You might want to go easy on it at first." _Yeah, right. Try telling that to my husband._ "We've discussed this before, but remember that it's always best to urinate after sex, just to flush out any bacteria that might have been introduced into the urethra during intercourse."

Of course, I turned beet red. "Yes, I remember, Doctor. And after the last three months, I don't think I'm going to forget it."

He laughed as he headed toward the door. "I bet not. So, if you don't have any more questions for me, I'll leave you to get dressed. I've left you a new cycle chart with the discharge slip, in case you need one. The nurse will take you back up to the front desk, since I'm trying to avoid your husband at all costs. I think he hates me."

Edward tended to haunt the waiting area whenever I had an appointment. I wasn't sure how he always found the time, since he had a fairly full schedule in the BMT unit―which didn't even count his office hours and rounds―but he never missed one of these appointments. If I'd let him, he would have gone into the exam room with me.

I shrugged. "Well, you _have_ been cock-blocking him." _Oh, shit, did I just say that? _

Dr. Biers blinked in shock and laughed nervously, leaving the room before I could further humiliate myself. _Thank God._

I dressed quickly, hoping I wouldn't have to see another pair of stirrups for a long time. Edward was pacing by the front desk as I approached, looking like a nervous expectant father, even in his white coat and stethoscope. I rolled my eyes. If he was this bad now, what would he be like when I actually _got_ pregnant?

I handed my slip to the receptionist, shaking my head in commiseration as she covertly pointed to Edward and swirled her finger around her ear in the universal "that guy is nuts" gesture.

"Do you need to schedule another appointment, Mrs. Cullen?"

Edward stopped pacing immediately, his whole body freezing like a hunting dog that's finally caught the scent of prey. I just hoped he wasn't "pointing" in public.

"Nope," I answered with a smile, ignoring the palpable tension I could feel rolling from Edward's direction. "No offense, but I hope I don't see you guys for a long time."

We were just turning to leave when Dr. Biers came out of the office suite, waving a slip of paper at me. He visibly paled when he noticed Edward hovering at my side, but he sucked it up and bravely came forward.

"You forgot your cycle chart, Mrs. Cullen." Poor guy. Edward made him so nervous he sounded like an adolescent boy in the midst of a voice change.

"Oh, thanks, Dr. Biers. You really didn't have to do that. I can always have my _security_ here get one from Carlisle." My lips twitched with amusement as I took the slip of paper, almost feeling guilty for enjoying the show.

"Yes, thanks, _Riley_," Edward forced out, his jaw tight. _Oooh...denial of title...doctor _burn_!_ He turned to me. "Don't you have an app for that? Surely that's more reliable than a paper chart. I found and installed a good one the other day."

Filing that little tidbit away for the argument I was sure we were going to have later on―because tracking my periods on his phone was going a little too far―I sighed and stuffed the cycle chart in my pocket. "Sometimes I like paper," was all I said, raising an eyebrow in his direction. _Go ahead, Edward. You really want to get into this here? __  
__  
__**We hope he does. You know how we like provoking the Precious.**_ _**Make him mad enough, and we might get to act out "Love in an Elevator."**__**  
**_  
I knew I was in for it if the girls were concocting situations involving Aerosmith songs. I mentally reminded them that the hospital elevators were video-monitored. Wrong idea. They started making kissy-faces for an imaginary camera, winking and showing a little leg, trying to convince me there was nothing wrong with a little tasteful porn.

"I have lots of patients who find those tracker apps useful," Dr. Biers added, probably trying to get on Edward's good side. It wasn't going to work. Ever since my quip about the gyno seeing more of the Promised Land than he had, my husband had decided Dr. Biers was Cullen enemy number one.

"I'm sure you do," Edward said quickly, his voice cold and hard, like stone. _Jesus_. Enough was enough.

I not-so-covertly elbowed him in the side. "Don't you have patients to attend to?"

Turning to face Dr. Biers, I gave him an apologetic smile and thanked him again for bringing me the cycle slip. We both knew it was really a thank-you for putting up with my cranky and irrationally jealous husband.

I swear I heard his sigh of relief as I grabbed Edward's arm and started to tow him toward the elevator bank.

"You're going to get a bad reputation around here if you keep that up." It was probably too late, anyway. "You realize that if you run '_Riley'_ off, no one will want to treat me. And we both know what happens then."

"Dad is _not_ going to be your gynecologist," he snapped, punching the button. He cast a dirty look at Dr. Biers' back as he disappeared through the waiting room door. "Did he tell you to call him Riley?"

"No, I just did it because _you_ did. Don't think I didn't catch that little dig. He went to medical school, too! Probably spent a hundred grand for that title, just like you. Don't be petty, Edward. It's not very becoming."

The more I considered his behavior, the angrier I got. He usually did a pretty good job of keeping Caveward under wraps, and had even become friendly with Peter, my ex that worked in the morgue. But something about Dr. Biers really rubbed him the wrong way. Maybe it really _was_ that the younger doctor got to see the Promised Land...then again, so had Peter.

However, he had absolutely no reason to be jealous. "The grass is greener" saying didn't really apply when one was married to Edward Cullen.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I glared at him until the elevator arrived and walked in without another word. As soon as the doors slid shut, he was on me like superglue. The Tractor Beam was at full strength as he tried to pull me close.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I just...I don't like the way he looks at you. Like you're a piece of meat or something."

"Edward, Christ! I'm his _patient_! I probably hold all the interest of a piece of meat to a vegetarian! And you scare him half to death. Believe me, he's not going there."

"I still don't like it." The doors opened and people poured into the elevator, until Edward and I were shoved to the back. I glanced at the digital display and finally noticed that we were going up instead of down.

"Why are we going up? Last I checked, I didn't leave my car on the roof." I kept my voice hushed, because no matter how angry I was, I didn't want to broadcast our business to a packed elevator car.

"It's my lunch break. Want to go up to my office?"

"Like I have a choice." I gave him a half-smile and elbowed his side, since that was all I really had room to do in the sardine can this hospital called an elevator.

"You haven't been to see my new office since I made the move from the bowels of the hospital, you know," he whispered, resting his hand on the small of my back. His fingers started to wander, and I couldn't do anything to stop them without causing a scene. The doors opened and quite a few people stepped out, but just as many got on. I cursed hospital elevators and their fifteen minute rides from one floor to another.

I gave him a dull look. "What was that? All I heard was something about bowel movements."

He laughed, arching an eyebrow. "Very funny."

His hand wandered lower, and I bit my lip to keep from yelping...or moaning.

_Must. Resist. _I couldn't reward his childish, jealous behavior with sex. Lovely, hot, sweaty, delicious sex...

_**SEX! SEX! Yes, please. Now.**_ _**The time is right...we're ripe!**_

I suddenly had the mental picture of them dressed as old, medieval witches. Like the crone from _Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves_. At least, one of them was. The other would just have to be Latrine from _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_.

Finally, the elevator paused on our floor, and I almost ran out, with Edward close on my heels.

"So that's why you've been leaving for work ten minutes earlier. They've put you in the Ivory Tower, Princess."

"Don't call me 'Princess.'"

"I guess you'll just have to settle for Precious, then," I blurted without thinking.

"Are you _ever_ going to tell me what that means?" he demanded as we navigated the halls.

"Probably not," I returned as we reached his office.

"You know, I can always make you." He narrowed his eyes, slamming the door shut behind him and starting toward me, looking like a predator on the hunt.

The girls waved the red flag, and this time, it was the Precious who was the bull. They really enjoyed the role-playing...

"You can _try_."

"And I'll succeed. I have ways of making you talk."

Swallowing hard, I turned my back on him and sat in his desk chair, pretending to ignore his advances. Lifting my feet into the seat, I spun around.

"Wow, this place is nice. Much bigger," I offered in a nonchalant tone, my rotation gradually slowing to a stop.

He knelt in front of me and planted his hands on the arms of the chair, leaning forward and caging me in. I was already a little dizzy from the spinning, and his proximity didn't help. He still turned me upside-down and inside-out, even after being with him for almost four years. His effect on me never waned; it only grew stronger. Of course, the same went for all his little idiosyncrasies and flaws that drove me insane. However, at the end of the day, I'd endure them all for the many moments of levity, sweetness, and love his presence added to my life. And I had no doubt he felt the same way about me.

His lips landed on mine softly in a warm, affectionate kiss that almost made me forget that I was supposed to be angry with him. I pulled back, pushing at his shoulders to hold him at bay when he tried to follow me.

"You're in trouble." I tried to look sternly at him, but it was so damn hard when he looked so delicious... _No!_

_Damn you, girls...are you picking up Edward's Tractor Beamy mind-control shit?_

They whistled, looking away and buffing their tiny nails on their nonexistent lapels.

"Me? Why?" he asked, and damn it, he was pouting.

"You know why." I fixed him with The Look, which was enough to get him to back off―just a little bit. "You need to start playing nice with the other doctor children. Namely, Dr. Biers."

"But I try!" he protested, licking his pouty lips in what was an obvious attempt at distracting me. It almost worked.

"Do you not trust me?"

"What?" His brows drew together in a stricken look. "Of course I do."

"Then why do you feel the need to figuratively piss all over my leg in front of my doctor?"

He was silent, eyes probing mine, for a long while. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed nervously. "I...don't know?"

I laughed a little, but it wasn't in amusement. "You're _asking_ me?"

"No...I really don't...I mean, he's an attractive guy," he said, his cheeks turning red.

"_You have a man-crush on Dr. Biers?" _I started cackling, and he clapped his hand over my mouth, scowling at me.

"No!"

"You do so!"

Removing his hand, he kissed me, his lips landing on mine in a hot, wet crush. "Am I going to have to prove, right here, right now, that I don't have a _man-crush?_"

"I'd have to _let_ you prove it, and I'm still mad at you." _Stay strong, Bella!_

"But I thought you like it when I get a little jealous," he said, his brows drawing together in the puzzled look I so loved to cause.

Uh-oh. He was sort of right. Crap.

"You do!" He grinned, swooping in for another kiss. I managed to dodge him, planting my palms flat on his cheeks and laughing as he tried to slobber all over my face. Finally, he stopped, and I met his eyes, smiling at the deep green I loved so much.

"Caveward has his place," I conceded, "But...when you act like that, it makes me think you don't trust me. It sort of hurts my feelings. I love you, and I'd never betray you like that."

"Bella, I'm sorry. Hurting your feelings is the last thing I want. I'm just...frustrated, I guess, and I haven't handled it very well." He paused, I frowned, and he immediately went to reassure me. Placing a hand over mine on his face, he turned to kiss my palm. "That didn't come out right. I'm not frustrated with you, love. I couldn't love you more."

I gave him a shaky smile, extremely relieved. "Same here," I said in a wavering voice.

"The last few months haven't been the easiest for us. I've been working crappy hours; you've been running back and forth to the doctor all the time in addition to helping Alice with Char, _and_ working full time for ThinkGeek. When we decided to make a family together, I thought that would mean more time for us...and it didn't turn out that way." His eyes were so earnest, open, and loving.

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward. We'll get through it. I have faith, and I know you do, too." I laid a soft kiss on his nose, admiring the way his eyes fell shut, his lashes casting sooty shadows over his cheekbones. I couldn't resist his lips, and when he sighed against my mouth, I let him in. Our tongues meshed slowly, the kiss gaining force and intensity, driving most of the thoughts out of my head. Except for one.

"I love you," he whispered against my mouth. Sometimes I swore he could read my mind.

"So much," I finished, throwing my arms around his neck. The next minutes were a blur of hands and mouths, two people trying to get as close as possible. But no matter how physically near we were, it would never equal the connection we had inside. That was something nothing could break.

"Sure you want to do this here? Shouldn't we, I don't know, celebrate this occasion somewhere special?" I panted, shoving my hand down his pants, squeezing the silky hot skin of his erection.

He dragged his mouth down my chin, nipping the curve. "Fuck yes, I'm sure. It's been months. I'm not waiting another second to get inside you. And this _is_ special. We're christening my new office."

_He sure doesn't have to tell me twice.__  
__  
_"Then bring on the Precious," I muttered against his lips as he closed his mouth over mine once again. He froze, breaking the kiss to look at me with huge eyes.

_Oh, FUCK!_

"Wait, you said 'Precious' again! While touching my dick!"

I gasped, squeezing my eyes shut in embarrassment. _Oh, shit. _

"_THAT'S_ WHAT YOU CALL MY PENIS? 'PRECIOUS'?"

Oh, wow. That was _loud_. I hoped the walls around here were thick. Otherwise I wouldn't be the only one calling him Dr. Precious behind his back. I gave him a shaky, placating smile and in a small voice, said "Yes?"

"Precious." The mingled disbelief and disgust on his face was priceless. "That's so...girly!"

"It is not! It's like Gollum's Precious! You know, the thing I want most in the world! A powerful object that can be used for inexplicable evil..." I trailed off as his fingers skated up my ribs underneath my shirt. "Or the greatest good."

_Oh, Jesus. Is this really happening?_

"You only want me for my dick?" His voice was stern, but his eyes sparkled with the beginnings of mirth.

I arched a brow at him. "I would have thought the last few months made it pretty obvious I don't want you just for the Precious."

"Stop calling it that."

"Sorry, not going to happen. It's ingrained now."

"And you named it after the fucking _ring_ in _Lord of the Rings?_"

_Well...not me directly. But he never has to know that._

I nodded meekly, my cheeks flaming. He snorted, his lips twitching, and then he laughed. A full, gut-busting, fall-out-of-your-chair laugh.

"Of course I don't just want you for your little head―"

"It's not little." One of these days, I really _would_ kiss that smirk off his lips. Maybe later today. "Are you sure we can't come up with a more manly name?" He leaned closer, touching his mouth to my neck as he slid his hands behind my back and pulled me to the edge of the seat.

"Oh, and what would you suggest?" I was quickly becoming breathless at his attentions.

"I don't know...maybe Colossus? The Kraken?" The tip of his tongue slid down the column of my throat, and he bit me lightly where my neck and shoulder met. "Cyclops?" he whispered, the hot wash of his breath causing goose bumps to erupt in a wave over my body. "One-Eyed Willy?"

He kept going, and he had my top off and jeans unbuttoned before I knew it. "How about Mothra?" he asked as he slid the denim off my legs, taking my underwear with them.

"No way," I laughed, watching as he straightened to shuck off his pants, my favorite dirty, sexy smile curving his lips. He left his white doctor coat on. I tried not to drool all over him when he picked me up and sat me on his desk, spreading my legs wide. My eyes were fixed between his legs as he came closer, fitting himself to me and pushing forward, joining us for the first time in what seemed like forever. When I met his gaze, he was watching me, his eyes hot with lust, but banked with love and affection as he started to move.

My mind drowning in the wave of sensation he sent crashing over me, I managed to pant, "Forget the new names. It is, has always been, and ever shall be...the Precious."

It was my new mantra. I called it "Doxology of the Precious."

-?-

_**This is it. The time is right. This one is special. We've tutored, coddled, and coached this perfect specimen, and now it's time for her to shine...**__  
__  
__Where am I_? _It's so dark in this narrow space, and the walls are slimy_, she thinks. She wants to go back home, to the only place she's ever known.

_**Nope. Can't go back. The kitchen's closed. No refunds, returns or exchanges. All sales are final!**_

She knew those commanding voices too well. There was no hope but to move ahead.

Inching forward through the Tunnel of Terror, she wishes for a match or a flashlight. Then she wonders what those things even are. Suddenly, she can hear thousands―no, millions―of low voices. They sound nothing like what she's used to, but they make her want to roll over and let them rub her belly. _Are they coming for me?__  
_  
Louder and louder they get, but now she starts to get scared. There must be _so_ many of them! Surely, they'll tear her apart. Terrified, she stops her slow progress, only to find that the Tunnel of Terror is pushing her forward without her consent! _Save me!_ she begs.

There is no answer from the only mentors she's known in her short life. She's been abandoned!

The new voices grow even louder, and then she's able to pick out some of what they're saying.

**...I like 'em really round... ****  
****  
****...I hope she's a juicy one...****  
****  
****...Race you to the sweet spot!**

She cowers in a small crevice, and that seems to slow her progress. Maybe she can stay here forever...

Above the din of voices, she hears one that eases her fear a bit.

"Where are you?" he asks. "I know you're here somewhere!"

"Are you here to save me or eat me?"

Suddenly, she senses him hovering near her hiding place. She's given herself away!

"Come out of there, or I can't save you. But you have to hurry."

Briefly, she wonders if it's a trick, but the other voices are getting louder, and they scare her much more than this one. This one seems nice. Slowly, she rolls out of her hidey hole.

"I'm the fastest." His voice is proud. "If you let me in, they can't get you. But we have to hurry."

"Let you in?" What did he mean? "Like, _inside_ me?"

"Just the tip. That's all it takes, I swear," he answers quickly.

"Will it hurt?"

"Only for a second. But those other guys will try to rip you to shreds if you don't let me help you."

"Okay, I guess," she says uncertainly. In a split second, he's poking into her, breaking her little membrane, but as soon as it's done, she's energized all over. Her cell membrane is impenetrable now, and she feels so strong that nothing could tear her apart.

Well, nothing but the razor sharp teeth of a vampire. Briefly, she wonders why that thought would even occur to her, but it's forgotten just as quickly.

As the tail of her new friend finally disappears inside her, she feels them merging, until all their thoughts are one. They both laugh as the voices reach a fever pitch, knowing they've outsmarted the horde. The intruders sound just like zombies, some of them huffing and puffing like they just ran the New York Marathon by hopping on one leg―the whole way.  
**  
****How you doin'?** they ask as a unit.

Several of them hit the newly hardened membrane and bounce off, but it doesn't hurt her and her new friend.

**Aww, fuck. Speedy Gonzales got to her first!** All of them start to gripe and curse, some of them still trying to barge their way inside anyway. Eventually, the intruders fall by the wayside, and she and her new ally make their way down the Tunnel of Love (formerly known as the Tunnel of Terror).

It's only the beginning of their journey. They've got negotiations to make, genes to barter for, and lots of crossing over to do.

After all, a baby is a work in progress, too.

* * *

FIN. THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. AND ALICE NAMED THE BABY CHRYSANTHEMUM.

Kidding. OR AM I?

The last section was inspired by the movie _Look Who's Talking. _I ripped "How you doin'?" straight from Joey in _Friends.__  
_

.*.

I don't really know what to say here, other than thank you so much for taking an interest in my little story. If I made you laugh, then I'm happy.

I'm going to try my best to reply to any questions/comments I get, but it might take a while.

Thanks to all of you, friends, strangers and stalkers.

If you'd like, put me on author alert, because I just might write a couple more outtakes for these two. (They're so much fun - it's hard to let go of them.)

I do write some other stories, so feel free to check them out and peruse my profile.


	42. Outtake: A Thanksgiving in Progress

_Happy late Thanksgiving, everyone. Or happy Wednesday to those of you who don't give a fuck about American Thanksgiving. :) What can I say? Awkward family holidays inspire me. Enjoy this little glimpse into the lives of Bella and the Precious...and, of course, the girls!_

_Thanks to amerymarie, famouslyso and poppingpenguin for prereading._

_I don't own Twilight or Family Guy._

* * *

_**-A Thanksgiving in Progress-**_

"_Why_ did I agree to this again?" I was whining, but Edward was being gracious enough to ignore it. Turning to face him, arms akimbo to display my third soiled shirt of the morning, I gave him a sad face. There was a spray of bright fuchsia-colored cranberry right over my left boob. Damn things were getting in my way worse than my ever-thickening waistline.

And I was only about twenty weeks along. Edward was ecstatic—about the baby _and _the boobs.

"Because you're awesome?"

I rolled my eyes and dabbed at the stain, trying to pretend I wasn't thoroughly enjoying the exchange. There was something so sexy about cooking together—as long as he respected my kitchen space. He was wearing a worn-out Weezer tee that had to be at least twenty years old and a pair of dark jeans, the sight of his long, bare feet weirdly arousing. I hadn't known I harbored a tiny foot fetish.

More likely, I just had an _Edward_ fetish.

The only thing that I could have done without was his "baby beard"—which I thought was the most ridiculous thing ever. I knew he wasn't serious about growing a beard for the duration, but I was starting to wonder how long he was going to keep it up. It wasn't mountain-man ridiculous—yet—but it had left the prickly stage behind and had grown in thick, soft and shiny. I teased him relentlessly, including accusing him of using my deep conditioner for his face and telling him his reddish-brown beard was going to be prettier than my hair.

Then there was the fact that he complained about how much it itched—all the time. Of course, that usually led to him trying to rub his face on various parts of my body in an effort to relieve the itch. I didn't mind being his scratching post, most of the time.

He must have taken my prolonged inspection as some sort of challenge. Eyebrows canting like a villain from an old silent film, he said lowly, "Hey, hey, hey—I'm in charge of cleanup." He tossed his dishtowel onto the counter and took the few steps around the island to invade my space, something he always did well. Taking the rag from my hands, he basically pawed at my breast, copping a blatant feel in the name of cranberry stain removal. "We should get you out of that dirty shirt. I'd be glad to help you with that little problem."

I grinned. "Little? I feel like I'm growing a couple of small cantaloupes in here." Snatching the rag back, I started wiping down the counter, which was a mess from the latest round of mixing and chopping. Way too many pies and side-dishes were ready, salads were chilling, and the table linens were on proper display. We were hosting our first Thanksgiving dinner together, after being lucky enough to snag invites to other people's homes for the holidays for four straight years.

Clearly, my mind was gone, because it had been my idea. I've always been a little out there—I have conversations with my ovaries, for God's sake—but cooking a turkey for the first time was apparently too much for my nerves. Renee wasn't the Thanksgiving type, and we'd always celebrated the holiday with a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store when I was growing up. I'd always thought she didn't like turkey, but now I knew that when you were as high as she often was, grocery store roasted chicken probably tasted awesome.

Once I'd moved in with Charlie, I continued the Thanksgiving chicken tradition, except I was the one who cooked it—Forks' market was too small to carry the pre-roasted birds.

Edward put his hand on top of mine, lowering his head toward me. "You're going to rub a hole in the counter."

I looked up to see him smiling, smugly amused indulgence written all over his face. It sort of made me want to stomp on his toe. How come he wasn't nervous? The only thing that saved his bare foot was the new pair of rectangle-shaped, black-framed glasses he was wearing—they really did it for me.

"You need to relax, Biff. We're way ahead of schedule. Nothing's to be done for a couple hours."

"I can't relax...this whole thing freaks me out! What if I undercook the bird and we all get salmonella! What if I burn it? There's nothing worse than dry turkey—" My neurotic stream of consciousness worrying was cut off by his mouth as he leaned in, effectively silencing me.

"Mmmm," he hummed, smiling against my mouth once I relaxed and leaned toward his tall frame, letting my body melt into his. "That's much better."

"You're not really helping..." I mumbled, ducking my head to hide my smile.

"Love, don't worry. If the turkey's dry, that's what gravy is for."

That statement brought to mind a whole new set of cooking problems. "Oh, God...what if the gravy's lumpy?"

He let out a little amused sigh. "Bella...stop worrying. Everything will be fine." Moving his hand from mine, he pressed his palm flat to my abdomen, spreading out his fingers. He did this every day, and every day his grin grew wider; his hand was starting to cover less and less as our baby grew. Resting his forehead against my temple, he continued, "Let's get you off your feet for a bit."

"Off my feet? I've gotta tell you, I'm not sure I can get them up over your shoulders anymore."

He groaned playfully. "Woman, I'd love to prove you wrong, but we can't having you passing out in exhaustion afterward. There's a bird in the oven."

He got this glimmer in his eye, I swear, and I just knew what he was going to say next. Clapping my hand over his pretty, smirking mouth, I cut him off.

"Don't even say it. It's bad enough you're thinking it."

_**Just like our bun in the oven, Bella!**_

Jesus. I didn't need Edward to say it. My own ovaries were obnoxious enough.

His beard was tickling the palm of my hand, and I had to let him speak. "So now you're a mind reader?"

I smiled. "Edward, if you say _anything_ about 'buns in ovens,' I'm going to be very angry."

He shook his head, like he knew it was mostly an empty threat. "I would never call Edward Junior a 'bun'," he said with a serious expression.

"I told you, even _if_ it's a boy, we're _not_ naming him Edward Junior!"

"You wound me!" He grabbed my hand and tugged lightly, taking a couple steps toward the bedroom.

"You're so weird. We're not living in Regency England, you know."

He laughed, trying to get me to follow him out of the kitchen. When I wouldn't go, he said, "I'd hate to hurt myself carrying you to bed."

I gasped. _Was he insinuating...? Why, that asshole!_ My cheeks flushed hot, and it certainly wasn't due to arousal.

_**Is he calling us**_** fat?**

Oh, sure, they were mad now, but as soon as he flashed us the tractor beam or bent over in front of us, they'd be done for and begging for an up-close and personal meeting with the Precious.

"Junior sure likes his chocolate," he kept going, using his free hand to mime grabbing my ass. "Kidding, kidding!"

"You'd better be."

Very contritely, he swung me into his arms, nary a grunt or groan to be heard—until he reached the side of the bed and set me down. Then he acted like he'd thrown out his back.

Without a word, I slapped his shoulder, earning a sly smirk and a low laugh.

"I'll never get tired of the reactions I can get from you."

"Lucky me." I managed to hold a straight face for all of ten seconds. It was the complete truth, no matter how sarcastic my tone.

"Lucky _me,_" Edward returned softly, kissing my cheek once, but leaving his face close to mine. "You know I think you're beautiful, Bella. So sexy. That's my baby in there..." He put his hand on my stomach, rubbing once in a warm circle before sliding his fingers under the hem and gently pulling the shirt over my head. "Is it wrong to think that's extremely hot?"

I shook my head, smiling shyly up at him. I sort of felt the same way. Being pregnant was something I never really thought I'd enjoy, and while I couldn't say it wasn't exactly a walk in the park, there was something about knowing I was having his baby—_our_ baby—that made me feel... Well, it felt really fucking good.

He tossed my shirt in the direction of the hamper without bothering to look where it went. "Come on, take a little nap. I know you need it." His expression had suddenly become serious, and he was using his doctor voice on me. Too bad he was right.

"You're right, I'm pretty tired. Can you just snuggle here until I fall asleep?"

Dropping my pants, I climbed onto the mattress in only my bra and underwear. I got so damn hot when I slept lately, and I hated wearing much more. I also knew Edward wouldn't be able to resist the visual incentive, and I smiled when he settled himself behind me, lightly resting one arm over my stomach. He kissed my shoulder and then laid his head on the pillow behind mine.

"When would I ever turn down an invitation to lay in bed with you?" His sweet words were warm on the nape of my neck and sent tingling goose bumps rushing across the skin.

"You're just sucking up," I said halfheartedly, scooting my butt back against him, wiggling into the warm C-shape of his long frame.

"You know I love kissing your ass. I'll prove it." He groped one cheek, lightly digging in his fingertips as he rotated his palm, then stroked over my hip to begin a slow exploration of my stomach.

I snorted, giggling like silly girl. "You're supposed to be helping me relax, not wind me up."

His voice lowered, becoming that soft tone that was smoother and richer than dark honey. "You're right. I'll fix that right now." He pressed soft kisses along the side of my neck and began stroking his hand up and down the curve of my stomach, fingers reaching lower and lower. The soft, wiry texture of his beard tickled my throat and jaw, making me squirm in an effort to stop the torture.

"That's definitely not helping." I was short of breath, which made me sound an awful lot like I was panting.

"Just give me a few minutes. It will do wonders, I promise. There's nothing like the sleep of the sexually satisfied, love."

"My dad will be here soon," I offered, one last, halfhearted protest.

"Not for another two and a half hours. Relax."

"It's Thanksgiving morning and we have guests on the way and stuff to cook and a turkey to not burn—" He cut me off with his mouth in a quick kiss that might have included a little nip.

Nudging his hips against me, he spoke without pulling his lips from mine. "I see I'm going to have to pull out the big guns."

"Yeah?"

He went back to kissing my neck deliberately, using firmer lips and a hint of teeth, and that made all the difference. His laughter was hot on my skin when I moaned and went pliant against him; he'd known all along that the light touches would torture me and the blatant, possessive kisses were what I really needed. He pressed his hips into me, making sure I felt the length of him against my ass.

"It's time to bring out the Precious."

.  
-x-  
.

The turkey came out perfect. By "perfect," I meant Food Network worthy, golden brown, herb-studded _perfection._ Edward insisted that our turkey-baking sexytimes gave the turkey skin the perfect amount of time to morph from slimy and white to a crispy oven-toasted tan. I asked him what I was supposed to say when people asked me for the recipe.

_'Give turkey a generous rub-down with butter and herbs, season to taste. Roast until golden brown. After thoroughly washing all hands involved, the Sous Chef should give the Chef a generous rub-down...'_

Distractions aside, I didn't begrudge him the credit for our Thanksgiving Miracle. The man wielded a hell of a turkey baster.

_**Wonder if he gets that from Dr. Hoo-ha? **_

_No...mustn't think of Carlisle and a turkey baster...gross!_

Thankfully, I was knocked out of that train of thought by Emmett's arrival as he came barreling through the front door, a squirming EJ in his arms. Little EJ was the spitting image of his father and was currently throwing a fit worthy of Emmett's wrestling persona.

"I told you, kid, if you didn't behave I was taking you to the mountain man," Emmett threatened in a mock stern-father voice. He turned the boy in his arms, pointing him in Edward's direction. My husband played along, crossing his arms menacingly while a tiny smirk lay hidden beneath his silly beard. EJ immediately stopped crying in that way only kids can do—so completely and so quickly. It was comical the way he stared: wide eyed and wet-lipped, his cheeks tear-streaked.

"'S he really a mountain man, Aunt Bella?" he asked, never taking his eyes off Edward, who grunted a little and scratched his beard for effect.

"I went and got him out of the woods today," I said convincingly, nodding the whole time. "He was living in a cave."

"He was?" EJ's eyes went wide with wonder. "But I thought Uncle Edward lives wif you."

"She threw me out when I grew this beard, kid," Edward said in a gruff voice.

"Let that be a lesson to you, son," Emmett cautioned. "Women will always try to keep you from expressing your manliness in the form of a beard. We can't let them win."

Rosalie came up behind her two boys, a baby-carrier hooked on one arm. "What lies are you feeding my son?"

"Uncle Edward lives in a cave, Mommy!" EJ shouted, making us all laugh.

"He sure looks like it," Rose teased. "When are you going to make him shave that thing off, Bella?"

"I try every day," I said dryly, going to help Rose with baby Emily.

Edward shook his head. "Not doing it until the baby's born. It's my show of husbandly solidarity."

Rose laughed, startling the baby as she lifted her from the seat. "I'm sure Bella would much rather you show solidarity in some other, less unkempt way. If it gets any longer, sparrows could nest in there."

"Nice one, wife!" Emmett said with a smile.

"Stop comparing my husband to Peter Griffin," I complained, making a face. Not wanting to forget to put the casseroles in for warming, I gathered what I needed from the refrigerator with some difficulty—the kitchen was now rather crowded.

Edward caught the panicked look on my face and went to work. "Okay, everyone out, unless you want to get yelled at." Shooting me an unapologetic wink, he followed everyone out of the kitchen, carrying a tray full of cheese and crackers to occupy the guests.

I gave him a warm smile when he returned to the kitchen to help me fill the bottom oven with several casseroles. "Thanks."

"I've got your back, baby," he said flippantly, causing me to snort as he patted my belly and kissed me on the cheek before turning to start wiping down the counter once again. I just watched him, mouth curved in a dopey smile as I surveyed our little tableau of yuppie-tastic domestic bliss...thinking to myself that I wouldn't change a thing about our life.

.  
-x-  
.

"I still don't understand you, Bella," Alice was saying, shaking her shaggily stylish hair in disgust. "Do you and Edward have a money tree hidden somewhere? Do you not realize the amount of money you could save on baby stuff if you go shopping with me tomorrow?" She ran her mouth, not missing a beat, even as she poured gravy all over her turkey and mashed potatoes before calmly passing the gravy boat to Jasper.

Everyone was busily tucking into their food, and I smiled at the murmurs of appreciation I managed to catch when Alice took a moment to breathe. Meat Sweats was the most complimentary, even though he didn't actually say a thing. He'd grabbed an entire leg and thigh from the platter and was happily gnawing away, looking like some kind of Renaissance Fair wannabe, the sheen of turkey grease covering his lips and cheeks.

"Sorry, Alice. I have very important plans for tomorrow. The entire weekend, actually." I'd rather pay the extra money _plus_ any shipping fees if it got me out of a damn store. Black Friday was so twentieth century. Cyber Monday was the way of the future.

"And what, exactly, is more important than shopping for my new niece or nephew?" she demanded, only stopping to shove food in her mouth. "God, this is good."

"Thank you," Edward and I answered at the same time, grinning at one another.

"I could do without the porno stares, guys," Emmett said, mopping EJ's face with a napkin. "I've got a lot of eating to do, and you two better not ruin my appetite." His mission was a lost cause—his son had managed to coat himself and his booster seat in green bean casserole and mashed potatoes, preferring to eat only the turkey on his plate.

EJ was definitely a mini Meat Sweats.

"We're doing absolutely nothing tomorrow, Alice," Edward said, noticing his sister's impatient look.

"Good, then you can get Bella ready and I'll be by tomorrow morning at three-thirty—"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I burst out, slapping my hand over my mouth. Everyone but Alice—the adults, anyway—laughed aloud. EJ gasped, his little mouth hanging open in a perfect "O" of shock.

_I just said a derivative of "fuck" in front of my father, my parents-in-law, my impressionable mockingbird of a nephew, and my unborn child!_

Alice was the first to pick right back up where she'd been so rudely interrupted. "Oh, okay, Bella. I'll give you an extra half-hour and pick you up at four—"

"Hell. No," Edward all but growled.

"Language," I whispered sternly, giving him a Look, which still didn't work on him. "The baby." I looked down at my little bump meaningfully.

"You just said the f-word. At least you can say 'hell' on T.V."

_Well, score a point for that one, Cullen._

"What Edward means, Alice, is that our plans are to do exactly nothing. We're going to spend the day in our pajamas and take as many naps as we want," I explained, grinning at Edward. "And if you think I'm going to get up at the ass crack of dawn to stand in line at Babies R US, you're _insane._"

"I guess that means I'll be heading back to Forks early tomorrow morning," Charlie quipped with raised eyebrows. "Don't want to get in the way of you kids 'doing nothing'."

_Oh, God, my father just _air quoted. _He's definitely been spending too much time with Emmett._

"More like doing each other," Emmett muttered with a smirk. "You know, you can stop now, E. She's knocked up already."

"Emmett, that's my daughter you're talking about," Charlie warned, slipping easily into his Chief persona. Emmett paled and went back to cleaning up EJ's face.

Alice huffed, turning her attention elsewhere now that the conversation on this side of the table had devolved. "Rose? Esme? You in?"

"Oh, I'm too old for that sort of thing," Esme rushed out, earning a laugh from Carlisle. She barely managed to keep a straight face herself.

"Sorry, Alice, I don't want to leave Emily alone for that long," Rose said next, not looking apologetic in the least.

"Yeah, Alice, you need to stay home with Charlotte this year." Jasper came strolling back into the room, tossing an empty bottle onto the table in front of his seat.

"I've never stayed home on Black Friday...then again, I'm a mother now, and it's not all about me..." She sounded so torn.

"You'll survive, babe," Jasper offered with a grin, patting her shoulder gently.

"So, Edward, when are you going to shave that awful beard?" Carlisle asked suddenly. Esme smacked his hand, but smirked in our direction. It was no secret that she preferred her sons to be clean-shaven.

"Aunt Bella and Daddy says Uncle Edward lives in a cave 'cause of his beard," EJ piped up. "And women always try to take our beards away, but a man has to speak up." He nodded forcefully when he finished, looking to Emmett for confirmation.

"That's right, son. Don't let a woman take away your beard." Emmett spoke seriously, but his eyebrows waggled so much I thought they might fly off his face.

"You listen to your dad, EJ," Jasper added. "A beard is a rite of passage for a man."

"Oh, shut it," Alice interrupted. "You couldn't even grow a beard in _months!_ You try to grow a goatee and it looks like you've been eating dirt." Jasper gave her a mean look and scratched his scraggly chin, drawing attention to his pitiful attempt at facial hair.

"Haven't shaved in a couple days, huh, Jas?" Edward asked with a smirk. "Growing a little Thanksgiving break beard?"

"A couple days? It's been almost three weeks!" Alice giggled.

I laughed and looked down at my plate, glad it wasn't me playing the role of butt of the joke at the moment.

"All right, All right. Can we please get back to ridiculing Edward?" Jasper begged, his expression sour. "You just shut up, Alice. I'm sure you'll be thankful for my puny hairlessness when Bella's complaining to you about having to give Edward his monthly back-hair trim."

_**Gross. Not even the Precious is worth that...**_

Emmett and Rose burst out laughing, drowning out the girls' gagging sounds. _Sure, Rose...like you don't already give Emmett a monthly trim..._

Edward was indignant. "I don't have back hair! It all grows on my face, see?" He pointed to the small animal that was living on his cheeks. He smiled slyly and leaned in my direction, whispering loudly, "So that's where Jasper's beard grows—on his back."

Alice snickered, choosing not to defend her husband, which was pretty much an admission in itself. Jasper shot us a dirty look and tossed his fork down, looking like he was about to grab Edward's collar and start beating him.

That's when Esme decided to use her powers of motherly persuasion. "What do your patients think of your new look, Edward?"

"I don't know...does it matter?" He looked puzzled.

"It's probably less distracting for them," I said under my breath.

"Are you trying to say you find my beard unattractive?" Edward asked, puffing up his chest.

I coughed in embarrassment. "Um, no...Mountain Man."

"That's a yes, Edward," Rose laughed, pointing with her fork. "Plus, all that extra hair has got to be a little ticklish on the lady parts."

Esme choked on a piece of turkey, and Carlisle had to pound her on the back. Thankfully, she recovered on her own without spitting anything halfway across the table, and no one had to brush up on their Heimlich skills.

"Don't worry, Esme knows it's true," Carlisle offered with a smug grin. "I had a beard once, and she said 'never again'."

_**Ooh, Dr. Hoo-Ha had a beard once? Hmm...maybe we like them now.**_

Even after all these years, they still had a thing for my father-in-law. Would they ever learn?

A chorus of "Dad!" and "That's sick!" and "My ears!" went up around the table from all the Cullen children. I just laughed, enjoying everyone else's discomfort. After all, I was usually the awkward one, and moments like this just made me feel more at home. This afternoon was turning out much better than I'd expected. Insults, choking, and ridicule...nothing had changed. It was all par for the course for this family.

Just another Cullen family meal...

.  
-x-  
.

After Edward's family was gone and the cleanup was almost finished, I returned to the living room to find Charlie thoroughly encamped in Edward's man-chair, sleeping the sleep of a father ignorant to the amount of sexual activity that recliner had seen. He was sprawled out, mouth open wide, a worn-looking toothpick resting at the corner of his lips. And it was all framed by a still virile, black as night mustache. I was beginning to suspect my father was a firm believer in Just For Men Gel. Covering my mouth and snickering, I went back toward the kitchen, where Edward was being a good little husband and doing the dishes.

"You _have_ to see this," I said in a hush, not wanting to risk waking the butt of the joke. Without looking to see if Edward followed, I went back to the living room. Charlie was still sawing logs, some of them so loud the toothpick vibrated on the intake. His finger twitched on the remote in his hand, changing the channel from ESPN to some home shopping show. He even channel-surfed while sleeping.

Edward laughed quietly behind me. "He's going to choke, and we're laughing at him." He put his hands on top of my shoulders and pulled me back against him.

"Yep," I agreed. "Someone really should pull that toothpick out of his mouth."

"_You're_ his daughter. I'm not touching it."

"I don't want to touch it, either!" I whisper-yelled. Charlie let out a loud snort, making me jump.

"You'd better get it before he chokes."

"Please, go get me a napkin! I don't want to touch it for any longer than necessary."

He smirked. "As you wish, wife."

I waited a few moments and took a deep breath, my lip curling involuntarily in disgust. Carefully, I crept toward the chair and reached for the glorified splinter, trying to touch as little of it as possible. Keeping an eye out for Edward and the rescue napkin, I waited until the last second before reaching out and snagging the toothpick, immediately transferring it to my husband.

Charlie snorted again and we both ran back to the kitchen.

"Will he even notice it's gone?" Edward asked, holding his belly and laughing as he tossed the evidence in the trash.

"Probably not. How can he even fall asleep with a toothpick in his mouth?"

"Yeah, how do you _forget_ that? Who knew a toothpick was a potentially fatal obstruction disguised as an innocuous dental implement!"

"Ooh, talk science to me some more, Cullen."

"I'll do more than that," he said lowly, pulling me toward the bedroom. "I think it's time for an anatomy lesson."

"Another one?"

"You know how knowledge is...you've got to use it or lose it." He shut and locked the bedroom door behind us and gathered me close, leaning in to lay soft kisses across my cheek. It tickled, making me feel something close to butterflies. I loved him any way he looked, but I missed the line of his jaw and the raw appeal of his lips without the beard to detract from the view.

"I just want you to try one thing." I put one finger on his lips, ruffling the hair on his upper lip. "Shave the beard. For me?"

He pretended to consider for a moment. "Bella, I don't know. This beard is a commitment. It's a part of me." His lips twitched; he was having a hard time remaining serious.

"I'll make you a deal. You remember how I vetoed those photos you wanted?"

"I was mostly joking about the naked pregnancy ones, Bella, I swear—"

"No, the ones of us together. Clothed. In trite places like the park under a tree or on a wooden bridge, that sort of thing."

"For the record, I wanted to do the kind where you're naked and I'm holding your tits." He covered me with his hands and squeezed for effect.

"Edward, shut up," I laughed, kissing those smiling, sexy lips. "If you shave, I'll do some pictures. The kind appropriate for a Christmas card or something."

"No skin pics? Come on, Bella. The harpies still hit on me at work. I need a nice, racy picture of me molesting my pregnant wife to put on my desk. Better yet, we could take more than one—I could get a digital picture frame and fill it with the kind of photos that scream, 'we have sex and here's the proof'!"

I was giggling uncontrollably, face pressed against Edward's chest as he backed me toward the bed.

"Shave, then we'll talk," I finally managed, lying back against the turned-down covers. He slipped the shoes from my feet and began rubbing my sore soles, making me sigh in exhausted pleasure.

"Okay." He said it so softly I almost didn't hear.

"Okay?"

"Yeah, I was going to do it soon anyway. Damn thing is itchy."

"I'll be glad to see your pretty face again," I told him, trying not to moan as he hit a tight spot in my arch. He finished the quick foot rub—scoring major brownie-points with me—and stood, stretching his arms above his head. His shirt rode up high, letting me catch a glimpse of that dusting of hair beneath his navel. It was a bit lighter than his beard, but infinitely softer. My mouth watered.

He smirked, noticing my appreciation. "You trying to say I'm not pretty like this? Because you're looking at me like I'm a piece of meat."

"Well, I'm no Emmett, but you know I can't resist a hot piece of meat." I waggled my eyebrows at him in my best Meat Sweats imitation.

"Then you just hang out here and think of me, the hot piece of meat," he said with a corny wink to match my eyebrow waggling. "I'll be back when the deed's done."

I smiled and closed my eyes as he left, my grin growing wider as I heard the sound of his electric trimmer. Linking my hands together over my belly, I sank back into the bedding, relishing just being able to lie down and do nothing after the long day. I must have fallen asleep, because Edward was leaning over me in what seemed like minutes, smelling of his clean, woodsy aftershave.

"Bella...wake up, sleepy. Don't you want to see?"

Eyes still closed, I smiled up at him, yawning. "Eh, I think I'll wait 'till morning. So tired." I tried to roll over, but he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, no. I shaved off my symbol of manliness for you; the least you can do is admire the results." He crawled over me, straddling my hips and leaning forward to rub his cheek along mine. It was heavenly soft and he smelled so good...

Slowly opening my eyes, I blinked to find him so close I could feel his breath on my face. Everything was perfect—until I got to his upper lip.

Then I started screaming like I was being eaten alive by zombies.

"Oh, God, my eyes! I'll never... Oh, I'm going to be sick... Charlie..." I actually gagged at the last one. My husband—my perfectly sexy, Tractor Beam wielding, smooth operator husband—was sporting a Charlie-stache.

The girls shriveled up like the California Raisins.

"Shave it off, _now,_ or you're never getting any _ever_ again." I clutched at my eyes, fighting the strong impulse to claw them out with my blunt nails.

"Jesus, Bella, it was just a joke. I'm going, I'm going!" Edward trudged back into the bathroom to get rid of the offending facial hair, sighing loudly, while I concentrated on blanking my mind—because if I didn't, I feared for the health of my lady parts.

.  
-x-  
.

The next morning, watery morning light streamed through the curtains, warming the sheets that pooled over our legs. Since I'd become pregnant, I'd taken to sleeping spread-eagled, flat on my back, and Edward was the one who had to contort himself around my sleeping form. My, how things had changed. I smiled, thinking of my husband's newly shaven (and still extremely pretty) face, remembering the enthusiastic reward I'd been ready to give him.

The Mustache Incident hovered at the edges of my thoughts, but I was well on my way to blocking it out. Otherwise, Edward wouldn't be getting any more sex and our baby would definitely have no siblings.

_**Ah, yes...sex. Something we would have had last night, if you hadn't been such a fucking Rip van Winkle...**_

But wait...I fell _asleep?_ Edward had shaved off his beard, proceeded to lick me to a fan-fucking-tastic orgasm, and I fell _asleep_ on him? Oh, the joys of pregnancy. I was pretty sure I was developing a pretty convincing case of gestational narcolepsy.

Poor Edward...I wished I could have seen his expression when he realized I was down for the count. Oh, well...I'd just have to make it up to him.

My laughter woke him, and he burrowed his nose deeper into the curve of my neck. I turned in his arms, scooting down lower on the bed until we faced each other, lying on our sides. Letting my lips graze down the midline of his abdomen, I tugged at the waistband of his boxers, snapping it against his skin.

"What are you doing?" His voice came out garbled and rough, deep from disuse.

"What do you think?" I breathed, letting my words sink through the black cotton that stretched over the heated shape of him.

"I think I'm getting the most fantastic wake-up call ever." He wound one hand into my hair and pulled himself free from his boxers with the other, brushing the silky head over my lips. I teased him at first, just licking lightly, savoring the slightly salty, warm flavor of him.

Slipping my fingers underneath the elastic band, I pulled his boxers down farther, letting him feel my nails on his hipbones and thighs as I dragged the cotton past his knees. He kicked them off beneath the blankets and tightened his fingers in my hair, gently trying to guide my mouth where he wanted it most, but not being overly forceful. I knew he was content to let me play, if that's what I wanted. Luckily for him, I was in a very giving mood this morning. Opening my mouth, I let him push himself between my lips, running the flat of my tongue along the underside of his shaft.

"Fuck," he groaned, arching his back. I pulled away quickly, shaking my head.

"Quiet. Charlie's out on the couch." Putting one finger over my lips, I smiled coyly up at him and lowered my head again, holding his gaze as I grasped his shaft and went back to work. His eyelids fell shut soon after and his head lolled back on the pillow as he rolled fully to his back. Closing my eyes, I got more comfortable, getting up on my knees so I wasn't resting directly on the baby.

Edward began running his hand up and down my back slowly, palming my ass and then dipping two long fingers inside me. I moaned with him deep in my throat, earning an answering groan as he pumped his fingers deeper, his hips moving in time.

"Fucking beautiful sight," he mumbled, and I opened my eyes to find his gaze flitting between his dick in my mouth and the hand that disappeared between my legs. I swallowed him deep once and then backed off, wrapping my hand around the base of his shaft as I pulled away. His hand fell from me, trailing hot and slick down my inner thigh, leaving me feeling empty. Coming to my knees above him, I swung one leg over his lap, watching his face as I slowly pumped him, rubbing the head against the slick moisture gathered around my opening.

"I need to feel you," he pleaded, breath heavy with want. "Let me. Please."

Biting my lip, I held him in place and sank down his shaft, loving the way his hands gripped my hips almost painfully, fingertips digging into the curves of my ass. His thumb immediately found my clit, slick with moisture and need, his fingers stretching up to cup the new curve of my stomach. He held my hips in place with his other hand, moving beneath me in short, slow strokes, building the delicious pressure to a burning need in no time.

I planted my hands flat on his chest and let it take me, knees and elbows growing weak and shaky. "Oh, God." It was all I could do to catch my breath.

Nudging his hips against me, still hard, he laughed. "I've reached deity status, have I?"

"You're so going to go to hell." I was only barely wheezing now.

"Might as well break all the rules, then," he said quietly, darkly. Suddenly, he lifted me off his lap and pulled me toward the side of the bed, leaving my legs hanging off the edge as he stood before me. I knew he hadn't come yet, but I had no idea what he had planned for me. "Now, I believe you said I couldn't get your ankles up over my shoulders?"

I had no words when he placed my feet on either side of his head and tugged my hips off the edge of the bed, cradling my ass in his hands as he sank inside me again. I thanked God that I was still relatively small enough that he could man-handle me, because Jesus Christ, it was hot. I'd really miss it when I was big as a house and too large to be picked up and fucked like this. He was gentle, yet his movements still held that element of primal wildness, there in the tic of his jaw or the slant of his eyebrow, or the way he licked his lips. I fisted my hands in the sheets and focused on taking in the whole picture as he thrust into me so deeply I could feel his balls slapping against my behind. My breasts bounced with each forward push, nipples tight and burning, needing attention.

Catching his stare, I brought one hand up to pinch my tingling flesh, gently pulling, enjoying his reaction almost as much as the pleasure the stimulation brought me.

"Fuck...touch those pretty nipples for me. Use both hands."

I did as he asked, my eyelids drifting shut as he increased his pace and pressure, rolling his hips smoothly against mine. Turning his head to the side, he rubbed his lips over my ankle, grazing the smooth edge of his jaw over the top of my foot, and then guided it down and helped me wrap it around his waist. I felt the thick head of him slip even deeper inside, filling me perfectly. Arching my back, I contracted my inner muscles around him, wanting to overwhelm him with sensation.

Low, rough sounds rumbled in his chest as he tried to keep quiet, leaning forward and putting all his weight on one hand near my shoulder. The new angle pushed his pelvic bone right against my clit on every downstroke, adding a delicious bit of extra friction. I squeezed harder, meeting each stroke of his hips with one of mine.

"Come on, Edward. Do it," I coaxed, digging my heel into his ass.

Breathing harsh and heavy, he said, "You feel so good, love." He brought one knee up onto the bed, his thrusts hard enough to push me across the mattress. "Fuck..."

I opened my eyes just in time to watch him find release, my breath catching as his features went slack in pleasure. He sank down on top of me, careless yet still gentle, resting most of his weight on his elbows. His chest worked against mine like he'd just climbed a mountain on his bike.

Thoughts of Edward's bike went straight to thoughts of his ass in those bike shorts, which shot some kind of electric command to my lady parts, who were suddenly very vocal about the fact that they could have used another turn on the merry-go-round. While I daydreamed of spandex pants and the Precious, Edward regained his breath and pulled out, making sure I didn't slide off the side of the bed.

"Be right back."

When he hadn't returned in what seemed like _at least_ fifteen minutes later, I called, "Hey, are you pumping the water yourself in there?"

He came back in laughing. "Bella, I was waiting for the water to warm up. I was gone for like two minutes."

Any response I might have come up with was smothered by my gasp as he cleaned me with the heated cloth, his fingers gentle but knowing. It was an explicit display of frank ownership; he knew just how to touch me, knew the places that made me shiver with the lightest contact.

When he was finished, he balled up the washcloth and acted like he was going to toss it into the laundry basket, free-throw style.

"Stop! What if you miss? I'm not cleaning it up." Damn, it was hard to sound threatening while whispering.

He smirked. "I never miss."

I rolled my eyes, and he took that opportunity to toss the rag. He didn't miss...but he did manage to use our newly painted bedroom wall as a backboard. It hit with a sickening splat and dropped into the basket.

"Well...I didn't miss," he snickered.

"I'm not cleaning it up, Edward."

"It will give you practice for when Edward Junior starts writing on the walls."

"Jesus, I hope he doesn't write on the walls with _that..."_

"You're disgusting. I meant with crayons or pens or some shit."

We both started laughing, covering our mouths to try and be quiet. I was suddenly hit with one of my now frequent urges to pee and I headed for the bathroom, adding, "We're also not naming our kid _Edward Junior_."

_And so the argument continues...because we sure as hell aren't going to let Alice name our kid. _

_

* * *

_

_So, I wasn't really sure where to post this, but I figured since the original story has more alerts, I'd put it here so everyone could read. The OCD side of my brain is freaking out, since I have a place for WiP outtakes, but I'm not sure if everyone knows...and I REFUSE to post an AN chapter just for that. So here it is. _

_I hope you enjoyed! It was fun to channel these guys again. _

_As always, reviews are appreciated (and often fawned over). Thank you for reading!_


	43. A WiP Extra Sample Size IS Important

_Hi all! Long time, no see. This is a somewhat sizable tidbit I couldn't get out of my head. I know it's not BPOV, but since most of you only have this story on alert and not the EPOV extras, I thought I'd post it here first. It will stay here for a while, and then I'll move it over to the Flipside set where it belongs. _

_It's also out of sequence - this takes place before the "Thanksgiving in Progress" outtake.  
_

_Thanks to famouslyso and tragicallyepic for prereading. Caipirinhas and steaks to you both. ;)  
_

* * *

**A Work in Progress Extra: Sample Size (IS) Important...**

**~.~  
**

"_Of __course__, __we__ prefer__ the __collection __to __be __as __fresh __as __possible__. __You__ can __collect __it __at __home__, __but__ you__ must__ return __the __sample__ within __two __hours__. __Ideally__, __we__ prefer__ on__-__site__ collections__, __as __they __provide __us __with __the __freshest __specimen __and __deliver__ the __most __accurate __results__," _the nurse intoned, completely rote in her delivery. Her voice was nasal and flat; it made me wonder how many times a day she scheduled appointments for men to essentially jerk off before handing over a collection container painted white on the inside. Considering I was a physician on the same hospital campus, I had it on pretty good authority that it was pretty damn often. _"__You__'__ll __also__ need__ to __abstain __from __sexual __activity __for __seventy__-__two __hours __prior __to __collection__."_

Well, that sucked. Maybe Bella was due for her period soon; I made a mental note to check her cycle on that phone application I'd downloaded. I'd finally be able to justify the five bucks I'd spent on that "Red Alert" app.

"_You__ should __also __be__ aware__ that __use __of __any __water __or __oil__-__based__ lubrication__, __including __saliva__, __is __not __allowed__. __It __compromises __the __integrity __of __the __sample__. __If __you __find__ that __it __is __needed__, __you __can__ obtain __a__ packet __of __specialized__ lubrication __from __your __ordering __physician__."_

Wait, what? No lube? And there was no way I was going to ask that douchebag Biers for help in that department. I knew he was just waiting for my swimmers to show up defunct. The bastard probably wanted to step in and supply his own baby batter, sans turkey baster. I wasn't blind; I saw the way he looked at my wife.

Okay, so I was probably overreacting, but the man had seen way too much of Bella's lady parts, and those were for my eyes only. It was only natural to want to rip off the guy's balls, right?

So, asking the asshole for this "special lube" was out of the question, which meant I only had one other place to turn … my father.

I was _really_ looking forward to that.

I couldn't believe it. How was it possible that I didn't know about this crap? I was a physician, for Christ's sake. Though, why I expected myself to know about sperm-safe lubricants as a hematologist, I had no idea. It wasn't exactly something I needed to know, but I liked to tell myself I knew everything, even when it was obvious I didn't. So, it looked like I'd be asking Carlisle. I couldn't wait.

After I concluded the call, I entered the date and time of my collection appointment in my phone, making sure to set two alarms to remind myself. Not like I'd need the extra help (come on, I'd be cock-blocking myself for three days in order to give the perfect sample), but these things were just ingrained in me. I had so much going on with work that Bella hated it when I forgot the personal stuff. Of course, she always forgave me, but I hated disappointing her. Anything I could do to keep myself in her good graces was beneficial to the both of us. Me especially.

To be honest, I was worried that we still weren't pregnant. Bella had been through the wringer lately with tests and analyses, with nothing to show for it. Things were completely normal on her end. Which only left me. I'd be lying if I said the idea of getting this test didn't leave me a little worried. I didn't mind the thought of adoption, since I'd been adopted myself; in fact, I'd even entertained the idea of asking Bella if she'd like to do it anyway after we had our own biological children. But like any red-blooded man, I had the intense desire to impregnate my wife. Call me a cave-man, but the idea of knocking up my woman gave me a boner every damn time.

I wanted to see her big with my baby, to lay my head on her stomach and feel our child kick. I wanted to tell him or her funny stories about strange things her Mommy does, like when she talks to herself. Rubbing Bella's swollen feet even sounded nice, and giving her shoulder massages sounded even better, as long as she let me have a "happy ending" afterward. I even looked forward to running out at midnight to buy her a ten-piece bucket of KFC with a side of biscuits and mayonnaise or something. Well, maybe that was going too far. I didn't want my wife to die of a heart attack before she could give birth to my progeny. No matter what happened in the long run, I knew we'd be happy. I had my soul mate, and she was all I needed. If we had our own biological children, it would be great, but my life would be full and complete even without them.

.

-x-

.

I've never felt more awkward than I did when I slunk into Carlisle's office that afternoon. He welcomed me inside with all his usual warmth and congeniality. Trying to gather the courage to broach the über-embarrassing subject, I farted around with the usual small talk and tried to keep from fidgeting, but his eyes missed nothing, fixating on the way I nervously raked my hand through my hair.

"What's up, Edward? I take it you're not here to shoot the shit," he said, plopping gracelessly into his chair, which groaned loudly. Huh. Was Carlisle putting on a few pounds? I bit back a smirk at the notion—maybe if he had, Bella wouldn't think he was so damn hot.

"I … Well, I … Jesus, I can't even fucking say it," I stammered, unable to look him in the eye. I was pretty sure my cheeks and ears were flaming red, from the way they felt like they were on fire. I couldn't remember a time when I'd felt more uncomfortable, and that was saying something, since that included the days after I woke up from wrapping his brand-new Mercedes around an eighty-year-old tree.

"Come on, Edward. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

_Oh__, __yes__, __it_ can _be__, __Dad__. _

But no matter how embarrassing this would be, making sure everything was fine for Bella and me was more important. Squeezing my eyes shut, I went for it.

"I have to get a semen analysis. The nurse told me I'm not allowed to use … uh …" I cleared my throat, all ability to speak stopping right there, because I wasn't sure I could even utter the word 'lube' to my father, let alone to his face. Things would have been so much better had I just called him to ask for this shit instead of stopping by his office. I cracked an eye open to gauge his reaction.

"You can't use lubrication?" he supplied easily, like it was no big deal. Though, to Carlisle, it probably wasn't. I bet he discussed this embarrassing shit all the time with his patients. I just didn't want him to be discussing it with me. But I'd do anything for my Bella, including enduring completely mortifying conversations with my father.

"Yeah. Nothing."

"I suppose you're wanting a sample supply of HisSeed," he offered.

"Uh … what the hell is 'his seed'?"

"It's the only lubrication you can use for manual stimulation if you're going to give a viable semen sample."

My eyes went wide, almost popping out of my head. "Jesus, Dad … can you not phrase it like that?"

"Well, how the hell am I suppose to phrase it? 'The only lube you can use to whack it—'"

"Fuck, just stop it, please!" I shouted, covering my eyes with my hands and hanging my head.

"Seriously, just use it, kid. Unless you like using the old 'Desert Sleeping Bag'."

"What the—what's a 'Desert Sleeping Bag'?" I didn't know why, but I was looking at him again, eyes wide in horror.

"You know...dry, rough and gritty? Like your palm without any spit?"

Fuck help me, but Carlisle made the motion. The one where he pretended to wank off.

I wanted to puke. I settled for looking at the floor.

"Okay, I'll take it. Gotta be better than nothing," I muttered. _'__Desert__ Sleeping __Bag__' __my __ass__ … __and __where__ the __hell __did __Carlisle__ hear__ that __term__? _

It had to be Emmett—and that was where the mental detective work had to stop. Thinking about both my brother _and_ father—and masturbation—in the same train of thought was going to render me permanently impotent if I wasn't careful.

Carlisle watched me calmly with a smirk that rivaled my own. He just loved raking me over the coals. "Was that all?"

"I guess." I still couldn't look at him. I felt almost as weirded-out as I had when he walked in on me whacking it to the _Playboys_ I'd stolen from his office when I was fifteen.

"You really shouldn't worry, Edward. This sort of thing happens all the time. You're not doing yourself any favors by worrying so much. Let it happen. You're both healthy—you're just trying too hard."

I shrugged and ran my hand through my hair again. "I just remember spending my college years being desperately afraid of getting someone pregnant. Then when I actually want to knock Bella up, it's a lot fucking harder than we thought!"

"Just relax. It will happen," he insisted, and I finally pried my lids open, finding him regarding me with a sympathetic look.

"I can't stand Dr. Biers," I blurted suddenly, unable to contain my irrational jealousy any longer. "You should see the way he looks at Bella."

He rolled his eyes. My father actually rolled his eyes! "Edward, come on."

"I can't help it! He's probably going to misread my sample just to spite me! I'm pretty sure he'd like to be supplying the baby batter, if you know what I mean." I was a moron. Could I give my father any more ammunition to make fun of me?

"In that case, do you want me to analyze your sample?" He raised one brow in that annoying, 'I'm completely calling your bluff' way.

_Fuck__. __That__'__s__ just__ … __wrong__. __Really __wrong__._

"Dad, I don't know how to say this, but …" I took a deep breath and just forced it out. "I really don't want you analyzing my sperm. No offense," I added quickly, feeling the blood flood my cheeks in embarrassment.

Carlisle laughed so loudly I had to look behind me in panic just to make sure he wasn't drawing any attention to us through the open door of his office. "Okay, Son, I get it." He paused, and I just knew I was going to hear something horrible. "In that case...maybe I should give Bella a pelvic exam? I'm not sure Dr. Biers is up to snuff, if he's as incompetent as you say."

"Wait a minute; you recommended that asshole!" I shouted, immediately seeing red. "Haven't you seen enough pussy?"

"Edward, calm down; it was a joke!" I could barely separate the words from his laughter. "You're way too easy sometimes."

"It's never funny when my father's talking about looking at my wife's private parts."

"But I'm a specialist, Edward. It's only in her best interests." God, I hated it when he was so smug. I knew he was just messing with me, but damn it, it was working!

"I don't give a shit if you're the best gyno on the planet. I don't care if you've seen a million pussies; you're not seeing mine!" I shouted.

"_Yours__?"_ he taunted, and I realized my mistake.

"My wife's," I corrected quickly, hoping he didn't notice the weak embarrassment in my voice.

"I always wondered why Emmett thought you were so effeminate …" he mused, almost concealing his laughter.

"Shut up, Dad," I growled, just glad he couldn't see my flaming face. Sometimes I cursed having such a pale complexion, and this was definitely one of those times.

"You know I'm kidding, Edward."

"Yeah, whatever. I'd rather have that kid Biers examining her than you. She'd probably run off with you if she had the chance. She thinks I don't know about her little crush on you, but I do."

"I think you're mistaken, Son. But I'll accept that for the compliment it is and move on," he said, looking a little too pleased with himself for my liking.

I scowled at him. "You'd better move on. You can take your Lolita fantasies and leave my wife alone."

"Edward, calm down." He paused, smirking up at me from his desk. "I save all my Lolita fantasies for your mother. She's eight years younger than me, you know," he said, waggling his eyebrows. "Esme always did look delicious in one of those plaid schoolgirl skirts."

Clapping a hand over my mouth, I fought back the remains of my breakfast. "That's disgusting … I don't want to even … oh, God."

Carlisle barked out a laugh as he rose, coming to slap me on the back as he directed me toward the door. "Stop gagging and follow me. And then we'll get you some of that lube you need."

Yeah, I was probably going to puke before this day was over.

.

-x-

.

"What? You can't use lube?" Bella wore the cutest expression of surprise as she stood in front of the dresser, her hands perched on her hips. "You can't even spit on it before you...you know?"

God help me, she actually made a motion with her hands. It was so much hotter when Bella did it, but I had to quickly squelch the image of my father doing the same thing. I didn't know whether to cringe, laugh, or jump on her. I settled for a muffled snicker before I said, "Nope."

She let out out one of her trademark snorts. How she still managed to turn me on while making that sound, I'd never know. "You'll never make it."

"Is that a challenge?" I couldn't let on that I was afraid she was right.

"More like a fact." She casually pulled a lacy bit of underwear from the drawer and dropped the scrap of towel that had been tucked around her torso to the floor. I surreptitiously checked myself for drool as she stepped into them, my eyes raking up the endless length of her legs to fixate on the curve of her ass.

Yeah, she was probably right. I wasn't sure if I'd make it. But I could do it for our future children.

"You know, I have to save up my swimmers for three days before I 'donate'," I found myself croaking out. My voice actually cracked as she bent over to pick up the towel. There was something about seeing my wife in lacy black underwear (and nothing else) that never failed to get me hard as a rock.

"Really?" In my mind, she didn't sound interested enough as she sauntered slowly back into the bathroom, leaving the door open. Through the reflection in the mirror, I saw her smirk as she tossed the towel in the hamper. _Ahh__, __so__ she__'__s__ messing __with__ me__. __God__, __I__ love__ this__ woman__._

"Really," I called, leaning back on my elbows as I eased fully onto the bed. "My appointment is in three days." That failed to get a rise out of her, and I began to get a little irritated. "Yep. Three days without your Precious," I said loudly, and sat back to wait, unable to stop the gigantic grin that took over my face. As I'd expected, she came storming out of the bathroom, and I couldn't resist lifting my head up just so I could see the way her tits jiggled as she came toward the bed. She was so fucking hot when I made her mad.

"Stop making fun of me! That should have been a compliment! Are you ever going to let me live it down?" Her little hands fisted at her sides, and her chest rose and fell with her irritated breaths. She was glorious. The Precious definitely appreciated the sight.

It was slightly (okay, _very_) emasculating, calling my dick that, but it had stuck ever since she'd let that one slip. When my suggestions failed to take hold (and I was really disappointed that she didn't go for The Kraken), I gave in. What was done was done, and my junk was forever named after Gollum's most prized possession. What did I care? I had the best woman in the world already; she could call my penis whatever she wanted as long as she put it in that pretty mouth on occasion.

"I doubt it," I admitted truthfully, pushing myself to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. I crooked a finger at her. "C'mere, Biff." She just stood there, cocking out one hip, pointing her gorgeous breasts right at me. It was about to make me nuts. "Bella, come on." I hoped I didn't sound too desperate.

Finally, she came toward me, stopping when her thighs met the mattress. She stood between my legs, nose still up in the air as she tried not to look at me.

"What do you want?"

"Why do I have to be wanting anything?"

She hit me with the laser eyes, but there was no hiding the grin that pulled at the corner of her mouth. "Because you've always got an ulterior motive, Buttercup."

God, would she never stop it with that nickname? The emasculation was now complete. I swore my estrogen spiked every time she called me that. I sighed, knowing there was no use in complaining. It would only encourage her. "You have no faith in your husband."

"Oh, I have faith—that you'll find the most perverted ulterior motive on the planet."

"You know me so well, love. Now, will you let me peel off your underwear with my teeth?" There. Just voicing those perverted ideas made me feel better. I could always rely on the inner porno reel for a boost in confidence. And testosterone.

"You do realize that I'm not supposed to ovulate for a few days," she said, inching closer in spite of her unenthusiastic sounding words. Now she was just reaching. But she wouldn't be my Bella if she didn't put up any resistance or try her best to irritate me. It was all part of our antagonistic mating dance, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

"You really think I give a fuck about that? I just want to be inside you." To make it more difficult for her to resist, I leveled her with my tractor-beam stare. It never failed, and when I coupled it with putting my hands on her, she always crumbled faster than a rickety Jenga tower.

"Oh, okay," she said, and it was more like a whimper than actual words. _That__'__s m__y __girl__._

I settled my palms on the swell of her hips, fingertips digging into her soft, pliable flesh. The bare swath of skin between her breasts looked lonely, and I couldn't help but plant my lips right there, flicking my tongue out to taste her. She tasted sweet, with a hint of salt that betrayed her arousal. Of course, I didn't doubt that she'd succumb to me—she always did. Just as I was always putty in her ever-capable hands.

As my rock-hard dick could attest. I felt like I was about to bust the seam on my boxers.

Her fingers threaded through my hair, pulling hard, just like I liked it. I knew she was trying to pull my mouth to her nipple, but I wasn't quite ready to give her what we both wanted. The anticipation made everything that much sweeter. Lower, I hooked my fingers in the sides of her silky, flimsy underwear and pulled them down over the slope of her hipbones, dragging them down slowly.

"This is just for us," I told her, looking up into her rich, brown eyes as she gazed down at me. Deliberately, I licked a trail down the midline of her body, never breaking that tenuous line of eye contact as I went. "This just because I want you." I pushed the scrap of fabric past her knees, pressing my forehead against the flat expanse of her lower stomach as I watched it fall to the floor. She stepped out of her underwear, steadying herself with her feet placed shoulder-width apart, fingers digging almost painfully into my scalp.

"I want you, too," she pretty much gasped, pulling me closer, tugging my head up by the hair and shoving her chest into my face. I loved it, how I could make her breathless just by touching her skin. Her nipples were hard, needy points right in front of me, begging for my tongue. Who was I to keep them deprived when they tasted so fucking good? Taking one into my mouth, I licked and sucked, savoring the texture of her engorged flesh, lapping up the sweetness of her skin. The sounds that slipped from her lips sent spears of pleasure straight through me, encouraging all the rough, possessive groans and moans I made. Tension built all through my body as my cock strained almost painfully beneath the thin cotton of my boxers. I _wanted__; _I _needed__._ Getting inside her, feeling her wet heat all around me became my entire focus. I kissed, licked, and bit my way across her chest, making sure each side was given equal attention. Only when she was arching against me, begging for release, did I move lower.

Twisting two fingers together, I circled her entrance, teasing with the barest taste of penetration. "This is just because you're fucking beautiful. Just because I have to have you." Tossing aside all pretense of gentleness, I pushed past the slick lips of her pussy and slid my fingers inside, groaning at the hot, wet, feel of my wife. My Bella.

I smiled when she groaned, probably trying to form words. Her knees buckled in response to my touch, and instead of trying to hold her up, I reversed our positions, turning so I could guide her to her back on the bed. Kneeling, I spread her legs wide and kept them wedged open with my shoulders. Her fingers knotted in my hair, pulling me down toward her. I knew what she wanted—she wanted me to lick her, to make her come. I wanted the same thing. Salt and heat and softness met my tongue as I licked lightly at her clit, moaning at the taste of her. I kept up a steady rhythm, fucking her with my fingers as I concentrated on making her feel good. God, nothing turned me on more than driving Bella past all thought or reason. When I raised my eyes to meet hers, green locked with brown, I grazed my teeth gently over her clit and pulled back.

"This is just because you're mine." And because I was completely hers. Her eyes dropped closed, sooty lashes sweeping thick shadows above her cheekbones. So fucking beautiful.

Planting my free hand firmly on her lower stomach, just above her pubic bone, I bent my head to her again, curling my fingers upward with each thrust, timing my movements with the flick of my tongue. It wasn't long before she was clamping down on my fingers and shoving her hips up into my face, her hand fisted in my hair so tightly it hurt.

"Oh, my God, that was so fucking good," she panted, urging me up to her face. Shucking my boxer shorts, I crawled up her body until I hovered over her, feet firmly planted on the floor, placing my hands on either side of her shoulders, tormenting her with my closeness.

I couldn't help the smirk that curved my lips. "Did you expect anything less?"

"You arrogant fucker." She was still out of breath as she yanked my face down to hers, our noses touching. So close, her features blurred into barely recognizable shapes, but I'd know that beautiful shade of her eyes anywhere.

"Did you expect anything less?" I repeated, brushing my lips over hers, letting her taste herself on my mouth. She licked at me with a blatant eroticism that made me even harder, and I let my hips drop between her legs. Bella raked her nails down my back and clutched at my flanks, urging me closer. My cock brushed against wet heat, searing and slick, and it was all I could do to keep from thrusting inside and pounding her into the fucking mattress.

But then … then I thought about how I'd be able to do this for the rest of my life...I thought about how I'd always have her with me … next to me … naked … under me.

Bella was paradise.

And she was all mine.

It was only those thoughts that allowed me to relax and kept me from falling on her in desperation. Feeling more in control of myself, I lowered my whole body atop her, threading my hands under her shoulder blades, caging her in my arms. I forced myself to ignore the way her hips bucked up into mine, just resting my erection against the slick heat of her pussy as I focused on her mouth. Angling my head to the side, I nipped gently at her lips, teasing her with the idea of deep, slow kisses, but never following through. She whimpered, her hands leaving my hips to coast up and down my back, leaving me covered in contrasting heat and goose bumps. It was impossible to keep from grinding against her, and before long I was coated in her wetness, my dick sliding easily up and down between her lips.

"Edward. Stop teasing." Her voice was high-pitched, breathy, and I knew that tone. I loved hearing it and I especially enjoyed coaxing it out of her. It meant she was putty in my very capable hands—which was only fair, since I was always putty in hers. I shoved her to the center of the bed, climbing atop her, foregoing the extra leverage in favor of being able to press the entire length of my body against hers, pinning her down into the mattress.

"Love, you know I don't tease," I promised, reaching down to position myself to enter her. Those beautiful brown eyes rolled back in her head as I pushed inside, letting my own lids drop closed as I took in the feel of her hot, wet pussy stretching around my dick. Blindly, I searched for her lips, pressing my mouth to hers, licking at the smooth inner faces of her lips before letting our tongues dance together. She wound her legs around my hips, leaving me little range of motion, which I made up for with the strength of my thrusts. Being inside Bella was pure, unadulterated heaven. I could fuck her for hours, days...and she'd let me.

Grabbing her hands, I guided them up to the headboard, fitting her fingers around the slats before rearing back so I knelt between her legs. Immediately, she wrapped her calves around my hips, her knees hugging my sides. From this position, I could easily admire the delicious pink flush that spread from her cheeks all the way down to her chest. I could see the way her lovely breasts swayed with each movement of our hips. I could lose myself in the sight of my cock, wet and shining with her arousal, as I thrust in and out of her. I wasn't gentle as I pounded into her, gripping her hip so hard the flesh underneath my fingers went white and bloodless.

"Fuck, yes. God, you feel so good." The words tumbled from my lips in an endless stream; curses and promises and compliments, every single one of them my absolute truth. This woman was my world, my life, my love. Pressing my fingers into her hips, I lifted her ass to meet my thrusts, tilting her to just the right angle. Our skin met with satisfying slaps of sound, faster and faster, until I was on the verge of losing it. Heat boiled along the column of my spine, building, consuming, setting me ablaze with the wonder of being inside her.

So much of our coupling lately had been about making a baby. Of course, it was far from businesslike; when we came together it was always intense, but it seemed like something was missing. It was never just fucking for the sake of fucking; there was always a purpose. Not so this time, unless the purpose was getting my wife off before exploding in a mind-blowing orgasm.

This time, it was just about how good we could make each other feel. About what we wanted, not the end result. And I wanted to come all over her, to mark her with the evidence of the pleasure she gave me.

"Shit, Edward … right there," Bella begged, too breathless to scream anymore. I pressed my palm flat on her belly, pushing down, knowing it would only make the angle more intense.

"Yeah?" I encouraged, adding a hard roll of my hips at the end of each thrust. If I could just hold off for a little longer, maybe I could make her come again. Reaching down, I brushed my thumb over her swollen little clit, making tiny, steady circles. She peered up at me through hooded lids, biting her bottom lip, her face tense with pleasure. If there was one thing I knew, it was how to make my wife come; and fuck, did I love doing it.

"Yes … oh, God …" Her back arched as her heels dug into my ass and her eyes slammed shut. I had to do the same thing, because the sight of her was almost enough to make me explode. And I really wanted to wait for her.

But _fuck_, she felt so damn good...

"Can you come again? Please, Bella …" It was my turn to beg now, the words barely making it through my clenched teeth as I fought off the waves of sensation threatening to swallow me under. I got my answer when I felt her pussy contract around me. "Oh, fuck, yes," I hissed, trying to keep my rhythm steady through her climax, forcing my eyes open so I could see her fall apart. When I knew she was finished, I pulled out of her, wrapping my hand tightly around my erection and spilling all over her belly, nearly falling over in the force of my orgasm. Goddamn, that was hot. I nearly blacked out. After I steadied myself, I found her watching me with one brow raised, her lips curved in a small smile.

"What was that all about?" she asked, soft and breathless and amused.

I couldn't contain the grin that spread across my face at the satisfied purr in her voice. It was a little lower, husky from screaming out my name. Okay, so maybe that was all in my head, but damn, I couldn't help myself.

"Hey, it's the last time my swimmers can be lazy. They just want to hang out all over your soft skin." I couldn't look away from the length of her naked body, spread out for me like the most delicious buffet. I barely held back the groan that rumbled up from my chest as I took in the way my come glistened against her lower belly. Call me a caveman, but that was fucking hot.

She laughed, lazily closing her eyes as she stretched. "Well, they'd better enjoy it, because they're gonna get wiped off and flushed in about fifteen seconds. Just as soon as you get up and get something for me to clean up with."

"Aw, baby, you can't waste them like that."

Cracking open one eye, she said, "I'm not the one who decided to go all porno with the money shot. You're the one that wasted them."

I was laughing before I remembered I was trying to give her a hard time. Trying to flatten my grin into a frown, I wiped a hand over my mouth. "I won't even dignify that one with a response." There, Bella. I'm taking one out of your book.

"I believe you just did," she shot back, softening her words with one of her beautiful smiles. "Now seriously, get me a rag or something. This shit is a bitch when it dries." She made a shooing motion toward the bathroom.

I raised a brow, seizing another chance to fuck with her. "Oh, really? Have a lot of experience with dried jizz, do you?"

She snorted. "Yeah, thanks to you. Remember that time in the shower when we didn't get it all off my back? I thought something was biting me every time my clothes rubbed against it!"

Shit, she was right...damn, that was funny. I grabbed her hand and tugged her to her feet before she could protest. "Come on, we'll wash it off."

"Umm, didn't we just discuss your jizz-cleaning failure?"

"I promise to be extra thorough."

"Yeah. If 'extra thorough' means keeping me in there until we're all pruny, or you can get it up again. Whichever comes first."

"Oh, there will be _coming_," I promised. She only rolled her eyes and laughed. "Woman, are you doubting my prowess?" I leveled her with a scowl and grabbed her around the waist, carting her into the bathroom, jizz be damned.

After all, I only had a few more hours left, and I planned to make the most of them.

_If_ I could get it up again. I wasn't a machine, after all.

.

-x-

.

Three days later, I stepped into the little white bathroom to give my "sample" and looked around in disbelief.

_The __fuck __is __this__?_

I locked the door behind me, staring at the lone stall which I just knew would house an industrial-style toilet that was halfway along its journey to being a disgusting, pockmarked throne of death. What was the fucking point of having a stall when there was only one goddamn toilet in the room?

You know those scenes in all the movies, where the dude goes to give his sperm sample and there's a somewhat tastefully decorated room full of porn magazines, fully equipped with a television stocked with porno videos and a comfy chair? The ones with slightly dusty fake ficus trees in strategic corners, encased in calming beige walls and generic paintings, tricked out like a dentist's office, except they catered to those with sexytimes on the mind?

Lies. All of it.

Come on, even that moron Stiffler got to sit in a fucking easy chair and peruse a few _Hustlers_ before the nurse came in and gave him the old anal probe.

And here I was—perfectly prepared to give my 'contribution' without any backdoor probing—and I was expected to sacrifice a serving of my swimmers in the same bathroom probationers used to prove they weren't still using meth or coke. That's right: I was supposed to masturbate in the same room where people pissed for their drug tests.

With no porn.

And special lube I got from my father, the gynecologist.

Talk about Mission: Impossible.

I whipped out my phone—believe me, not the weapon of choice I'd expected to be molesting in this situation—and sent a quick text to Bella.

**The ****movies ****really ****let ****me**** down**** here****. ****I ****don****'****t ****think**** I ****can ****do ****this****.**

It took a minute before she responded. Briefly, I wondered what she was doing, and if she was naked. Though unrealistic at three in the afternoon, it was always my first thought. Hey, it was possible, right? She worked from home, after all. Plus, Naked Bella was one of my favorite Bellas, second only to Smiling Bella.

_**What **__**can**__**'**__**t **__**you**__** do**__**? **__**And **__**why **__**are**__** you **__**complaining**__** about **__**movies**__**?**_

How the hell did I explain what was going on here?

**There****'****s**** no ****way ****I ****can**** … ****er**** … ****make ****my**** … "****contribution****" ****here****.**

I quickly snapped a picture of my surroundings and attached it to the text. Surely that should explain my performance problems.

_**No way! Is that really where you are? Aren't they supposed to have comfy chairs and porn magazines?**_

God, we really were made for each other. Not that I'd had any doubt since the day I met her.

**That****'****s**** what ****I ****thought****! ****This**** place**** is ****a**** nightmare****. ****I ****can****'****t ****do ****this****.**

Yeah, I was repeating myself, but what the fuck was I supposed to do? Bella didn't have many helpful suggestions, either.

_**Ummm**__**...**__**concentrate**__** really **__**hard**__**?**_

**Thanks****, ****Biff****. ****You****'****re ****a ****great ****help****. **

_**Should**__** I **__**send**__** you **__**some**__**...**__**inspiration**__**?**_

**Inspiration****? ****Please**** elaborate****.**

_And __please __let__ '__inspiration__' __mean __naked __pictures__. __Please__._

_**Well**__**, **__**shit**__**. **__**I**__** was **__**hoping **__**you**__**'**__**d **__**say **__**you**__** didn**__**'**__**t **__**need**__** any**__**.**_

**What ****the ****fuck ****would ****make ****you ****think ****that****?**

_**Umm**__**...**__**women**__**'**__**s **__**intuition**__**?**_

**More ****proof ****that ****intuition ****crap ****is ****just ****bullshit****.**

_**I**__**'**__**ll**__** pretend**__** I**__** didn**__**'**__**t **__**read **__**that **__**and **__**think**__** about **__**sending**__** you **__**pictures **__**of **__**my**__** boobs**__**, **__**then**__**.**_

Oh, fuck yes. Pictures of the Twins would be _awesome_.

Wait...was that...?

_Yes__, __I __felt __a__ twitch __down __there__! __The __Precious __is __alive__!_

**Please ****and ****thank ****you ****in ****advance****.**

I barely managed to type that out, with the way my fingers were shaking at the very thought. Why the fuck didn't I drag Bella here to help out with this?

_**I **__**don**__**'**__**t **__**know**__**...**__**the **__**internet **__**isn**__**'**__**t **__**written **__**in **__**pencil**__**, **__**you**__** know**__**.**_

**Oh****, ****come ****on****. ****Like ****I****'****d ****show**** anyone****. ****I****'****d**** kill ****anyone ****who**** saw ****them****.**

_**You**__** never **__**know**__** what**__**'**__**s **__**going **__**to **__**get **__**out**__**. **__**What**__** if **__**someone **__**steals **__**your **__**phone**__**?**_

**We****'****re**** not ****living ****in**** a**** soap ****opera****, ****Bella****. ****No**** one****'****s ****going ****to ****steal ****my ****phone****.**

_**You **__**don**__**'**__**t **__**know**__** that**__**! **__**Maybe **__**you **__**have **__**some **__**disgruntled**__** ex**__**-**__**girlfriend**__** just **__**waiting **__**to **__**plaster **__**my**__** naked **__**pictures **__**all **__**over **__**the **__**interwebs**__**!**_

Jesus Christ. I'd never understand the minds of women. Good thing I only ever wanted to be with one of them. It was just my luck that she happened to be the most confusing member of the species that had ever existed.

Then again, she was also the funniest, most sincere, most endearing...

_Shit__, __she__'__s __turning __me __into __one __of __them__! _

**That****'****s**** ridiculous****. ****And ****who ****the ****fuck ****cares****? ****You****'****re ****gorgeous****. ****The ****hottest ****woman**** I****'****ve ****ever ****had****. ****It ****wouldn****'****t ****make ****a ****difference****.**

_**So **__**you**__**'**__**d **__**be **__**okay**__** with **__**pictures **__**of **__**my**__** "**__**gorgeous**__**" **__**body**__** floating **__**out **__**there **__**for **__**every **__**pervert **__**to **__**wank**__** over**__**?**_

**Fuck****, ****no****!**

No one would be wanking to pictures of my wife but me, damn it!

_**That**__**'**__**s**__** what **__**I **__**thought**__**.**_

**I**** see ****what ****you****'****re**** doing****. ****Stop**** trying ****to ****mess ****with ****me ****and ****send ****some ****damn ****naked ****pictures****.**

_**I**__** love **__**it **__**when **__**you **__**get **__**all **__**bossy**__**.**_

There was an attachment with the last message, which I eagerly tapped, awaiting the glorious sight that was surely waiting for me. Slowly, an expanse of her naked skin was revealed, making my mouth water. When it was fully downloaded, I blinked.

What the fuck? Was that her...bellybutton? I was strangely turned on, but there was no way I could let her know.

**I ****said ****NAKED ****pictures****, ****Bella****!**

_**There **__**are **__**no **__**clothes **__**in **__**that **__**picture**__**, **__**Buttercup**__**. **__**That**__** counts **__**as **__**naked**__**.**_

**That****'****s**** your ****belly button****!**

_**You**__** didn**__**'**__**t **__**specify**__**.**_

**Send**** me**** a ****picture ****of ****your ****tits****, ****damn****it****!**

_**So **__**vulgar**__**. **__**I **__**don**__**'**__**t **__**even **__**know**__** who **__**you **__**are **__**anymore**__**.**_

**? **

_**Aww**__**, **__**you**__**'**__**re**__** speechless**__**.**_

To my utter amazement, I felt the beginnings on an erection stirring beneath my scrubs. Bella always could turn me on just by antagonizing me. And just in time, the phone buzzed with another arrival. This time, there was no text, just a close-up glimpse of one blush-pink tip surrounded by milky-white flesh.

Oh, fuck. There was no longer just a stirring beneath my scrubs, but a full-on boner. I didn't know how I managed to send out the next text.

_**Fucking**__** beautiful**__**. **__**Show**__** me**__** more**__**.**_

With my other hand, I palmed my length roughly, unable to stop myself.

Another buzz brought a soft-blurred glimpse of her skin; the barely recognizable curve of her hip. Shit. She _was_ naked.

The Precious started begging for mercy.

Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.

* * *

_.  
_

_._

_.  
_

_"The internet isn't written in pencil" doesn't belong to me. We all know this. _

_So, I've got an ulterior motive ... WiP was nominated for some 2011 Gigglesnort awards (Best Adult - Big Fish, and Best All Human, Big Fish), and of course I'd love it if you'd vote for me. Considering the awesome (and more recently written/updated) competition, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell, but go read and vote anyway. Oh, and voting ends tomorrow. Yeah, that's some procrastination mastery right there, isn't it? Especially considering this piece has been written for about a month. Sigh. _

_If you're so inclined to vote - http:/kwiksurveys (dot) com/online-survey (dot) php?surveyID=NIENLF_c4ce1cee_

_To see the nominees - http:/awards (dot) gigglesnort (dot net/ viewpage (dot) php?page_id=7  
_

_Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans! *holds up Nixon peace signs*_

_Oh ... and to those of you still reading Chain Reaction, I'm working on the update. Sorry I suck so much, but I'm trying. :)_


End file.
